First Post here...looking to feel less alone and find some answers.

[N0Angel]

I'm new here. Hi. I just joined this board because... .well... .I feel really alone right now. I feel like my partner with BPD doesn't even understand what I'm trying to express, and I'm hoping others have better methods of communication than I have been attempting to use. I'm really at the end of my own knowledge and research, and in need of help.

The whole tale is a long one, so I will give the condensed version. I have been with my BPD partner for almost a year now. We live together, and neither of us has the financial means to change that, even if we wanted to. That being said, I don't want to. I understand that this is never going to be an easy relationship with smooth sailing all the time. I accept that.

Right now, however, we are on what feels like a whole lot more than just rough seas. We are in this awful pattern where he expresses something he isn't happy with, and I try to gently explain to him what parts of his statement are true, and what parts only seem true because of his perspective. For example: >>>When he says he can't trust me, because I mistakenly set my phone alarm for am instead of pm one time, months ago, and he had to wait 30 minutes to be picked up from work. I explain to him that it is true, I'm not perfect, and I made a mistake. One that unfortunately triggered his fears of abandonment. I have apologized profusely for the accidental oversight, and have expressed at great length how badly I feel for having scared him. However, for him to say that I'm not trustworthy because of an accident anyone could make, is not correct. He is perceiving it that way because in his mind, he trusted me to be there, and I wasn't, so, in order to avoid being hurt in the future he should just not trust me anymore. When in reality, breaking someone's trust generally involves an intentional act. It involves intentionally doing something you know will break that person's trust. That is the difference between an honest mistake, and a breaking of trust.<<< Of course generally while explaining this, he picks up on the fact that I'm agitated/upset/not happy, which then means all he can focus on is how much he hates himself for upsetting me.

This cycle seems never ending. I'm upset, he figures out I'm upset, he gets mad at himself, hates himself, resorts to self-destructive or self-harming practices, and/or threatens suicide. The issue that was causing me distress then gets pushed aside, and it all becomes about making him feel better, and helping him cope, and my issue is never validated, discussed, or addressed. I am beginning to feel more like he sees me as a measuring stick for how much or how little he should hate himself rather than an actual person with actual emotions and feelings.

How do we develop effective communication? How do I stop the self-depreciating spiral that puts the focus back on him? How do I help him develop better coping techniques. As a side note, he is very open and eager to learn ways to control his BPD behaviors.

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ysabel]

I'm new here. Hi. I just joined this board because... .well... .I feel really alone right now. I feel like my partner with BPD doesn't even understand what I'm trying to express, and I'm hoping others have better methods of communication than I have been attempting to use. I'm really at the end of my own knowledge and research, and in need of help.

The whole tale is a long one, so I will give the condensed version. I have been with my BPD partner for almost a year now. We live together, and neither of us has the financial means to change that, even if we wanted to. That being said, I don't want to. I understand that this is never going to be an easy relationship with smooth sailing all the time. I accept that.

Right now, however, we are on what feels like a whole lot more than just rough seas. We are in this awful pattern where he expresses something he isn't happy with, and I try to gently explain to him what parts of his statement are true, and what parts only seem true because of his perspective. For example: >>>When he says he can't trust me, because I mistakenly set my phone alarm for am instead of pm one time, months ago, and he had to wait 30 minutes to be picked up from work. I explain to him that it is true, I'm not perfect, and I made a mistake. One that unfortunately triggered his fears of abandonment. I have apologized profusely for the accidental oversight, and have expressed at great length how badly I feel for having scared him. However, for him to say that I'm not trustworthy because of an accident anyone could make, is not correct. He is perceiving it that way because in his mind, he trusted me to be there, and I wasn't, so, in order to avoid being hurt in the future he should just not trust me anymore. When in reality, breaking someone's trust generally involves an intentional act. It involves intentionally doing something you know will break that person's trust. That is the difference between an honest mistake, and a breaking of trust.<<< Of course generally while explaining this, he picks up on the fact that I'm agitated/upset/not happy, which then means all he can focus on is how much he hates himself for upsetting me.

This cycle seems never ending. I'm upset, he figures out I'm upset, he gets mad at himself, hates himself, resorts to self-destructive or self-harming practices, and/or threatens suicide. The issue that was causing me distress then gets pushed aside, and it all becomes about making him feel better, and helping him cope, and my issue is never validated, discussed, or addressed. I am beginning to feel more like he sees me as a measuring stick for how much or how little he should hate himself rather than an actual person with actual emotions and feelings.

How do we develop effective communication? How do I stop the self-depreciating spiral that puts the focus back on him? How do I help him develop better coping techniques. As a side note, he is very open and eager to learn ways to control his BPD behaviors.

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.