Is he still in there?

[dillpickles]

My husband has BPD. We have been together 10 years now, married for 2. I've lived through 8 years of his BPD.

We've been together since we were just out of high school. I noticed things about him from the beginning, especially his drug (weed) use and his lack of ambition to go to school, get a good job etc. But we were young and I thought he'd grow up eventually. We fell in love fast and had so much fun together. He gave me strength and we really grew together.

At around 2 years when we got our first apartment (with no roommates) is when I started noticing strong anger issues. He would start fighting me over nothing or punching holes in the walls. It wasn't very frequent so I looked past it. He was always spending his money on snacks and drugs and very foolish about saving, while I had to take on the grownup responsibilities and make sure our bills were paid and do all the chores/errands.

At 4 years we bought a house together. I still remember I spend the first night in our new house with us fighting and sleeping in separate rooms. It was a few months in that he decided without discussing with me to quit his job out of no where. It was up to me to support our family now. I finally got him to go to college and he got a degree. I continued to support him for the two years and hoped things would get better once he graduated.

He worked unsteadily for 3 years, jumping from job to job, lying to me saying he had no work that day or that he got layed off when he really quit. Then he started taking money from our account to buy drugs and lied to me about that. He was having more episodes of anger that would turn very violent (never physical at me) by throwing things around the house, breaking furniture, storming out, punching walls. We would make plans with friends and he would back out at the last minute and I would have to make excuses. I tried everything I could do to help. We got him into therapy but he never opened up with them.

Eventually about 3 or 4 years ago he had a complete breakdown and started crying and admitted to be that he was depressed, and had been since high-school. He admitted he tried/thought about taking his life a few times, including since we've been together.

We went to a doctor and got him on anti-depressants. He would take them for a while, then stop. He'd go to therapy, then stop. It was good he was open with me but he didn't have the initiative to actually work at getting better. It kept spiraling and spiraling to the point that we were living together, but not really a couple. I would go out with friends and he'd just sit in the house. We wouldn't be intimate, and there were frequent outbursts of anger.

It all broke down 2 years ago. He cheated on me. I kicked him out instantly. What I don't get is that he said he's not attracted to this person at all. How could he hurt me so much after everything I did for him for someone he didn't even want to be with? The separation lasted a few days. He begged me to come back, that he would change, he'd quit drugs, he'd get a job, he'd stick with the medicine. I gave him another chance. And a few months later we decided to get married. I knew we should wait, and I was unsure about it, but he said he felt it would help him get his life on track and show commitment to us.

Things were slightly better for a little bit. He did get a job and stay on medicine (for a few months), but then he started slipping again. I tried to continue to be supportive and do whatever I could do to help but he kept lashing out. It turned into a parent-child relationship instead of a marriage. I supported us, I did all the grownup things, he continued to lie and blame me for all his anger and problems in his life.

We spent our first marriage anniversary apart. It was a build up to that moment with more frequent aggression and paranoid moments. He started showing his bad side around my parents as well (he used to snap out of it instantly when people were around). There was one time we were driving back from his grandma's birthday and he was driving 140-150km in a 80 and I asked him to slow down or if I could drive and it turned into him pulling over, throwing his cellphone and running into the woods yelling at me. I had enough. I was going to leave him there but my mother was with us in the car and this was the first time she saw his other side. She talked him down after a while. A month later I found out he cheated on me again. This time with a girl on the internet so it wasn't physical but extremely emotional. He thought he loved her and made plans to move across the country to be with her. I kicked him out for a month. I couldn't do it anymore. He stayed with his mother and the entire month was a rollercoaster of emotions. First he would try to blame me for all his actions and got paranoid thinking I was playing games with him and that I'm the one that let this relationship fail. He was so verbally abusive to me, and I have to admit, I fell victim to it after all these years and did want him back no matter how bad he treated me. But I tried to stay strong. I could see past the anger and knew it was a messed up cry for help so I continued talking to him daily trying to help him. It got to the point where he'd only apologize and be nice to me if he wanted me to give him money. He cheated on me twice, he was abusive to me for 7 years, and he expected me to still support him! When he told me to pay his cellphone bill (so he could text with his internet girlfriend) that was a new low. Each day I wouldn't know which personality of my husband I would be talking to. He would get angry and blame me, I would say I'm not putting up with this anymore and stop talking to him. Then the next day he'd start crying that he didn't want me to leave him, so I would try to work things out with him, then he'd say I'm pushing too much and go back to anger. I think he realized the day that I finally had enough and he "snapped out of it". 3 days later he asked to come home.

He's been home 8 months and I do have to praise him for changing. We had him on constant therapy (just recently pausing as I can't afford it), he's been on medication, talking to doctors, he's being completely open with me and there are no lies or secrets. I had to change my ways a little too and be more open to the fact he has a mental illness and not to take his actions to heart. In January of this year he was diagnosed BPD. His psychiatrist put him on an anti psychotic pill that does wonders for his outbursts. In January he had a very bad episode resulting in 4 calls to the police and 3 trips to the hospital and him being arrested all in one night. But the mental health system here is so ridiculous, he spends a few hours at emergency and they send him home. He had a few little angry moments since but nothing so drastic. Last week I had to call the cops on him again. I've been seeing since april that he is starting to spiral into depression again. He's losing ambition and sleeping all day or sitting in the dark. He still doesn't work, hasn't for 2 years. I work 2 jobs to support us, I come home and make him supper, take care of the animals, clean the house and then he gets angry that "I don't do anything for him" because I suggest he goes to the store and gets a snack to get him out of the house for a few minutes. He says I should know to bring him treats every day and because I don't "surprise" him, I don't care for him.

We've fallen back into the parent-child relationship. I can't go a day without him either crying or yelling. I can't go a week without him threatening to kill himself. We go months without having sex. He has no interest in anything. My typical evening is coming home to him just sitting there, unresponsive and eventually he goes to bed early (like 6 or 7) and I'm all alone.

He is still taking medicine but he doesn't do much else. He just gets stuck and won't do anything to get better. I suggest support groups, his doctors suggest different types of therapy to do at home (yoga, diary, exercise etc). He won't make any effort to try to get better.

I want my husband back. I stay with him because I know he's sick, I know this isn't him. I want to have fun with him again and feel like we're in a relationship. I'm almost 30. I want to start a family, I want to have the type of supportive relationship I see my friends having. But I start to wonder. It's been 8 years of this. Is he even in there anymore?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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