dysregulated parenting and trying to step in

[Everglow]

My spouse wBPD has never been a parent. I have two teenage children so have already done the preschool age parenting.  We have twin 4 year old daughters together. One is very "spirited" with lack of impulse control. At times will hurt her sister.  Dad wBPD attempts to make sense of it - tries to find appropriate punishments. Tonite had calm conversation w spirited child after second episode of hurting sister and told her she needed to stay in room to cool down ( 15 min) with me there. No prob w that. But after this he was still pissed off about it . Always lies on one of their beds at night - takes turns. It was spirited child's turn tonite. He decided he was still mad at her so made an excuse not to lie on her bed.  She's very sensitive so looked as if she is thinking about it as rejection , although he still gave  her a hug and said he loved her ... .She is different from her twin because has huge birth mark, multiple previous operations, so of course dad and I have discussed many times need to ensure positive self esteem for her.

Tried to bring up idea of withdrawing affection as inappropriate behaviour but not saying this. Talked about spirited kid Lessing our buttons and saying we always love you but don't like what you do sometimes.   .  Now I realize reading some other posts my attempts at reasoning about parenting issues will be interpreted as " you think you know more than me" . Got typical aggressive response .  It's so discouraging.  Always have to be thinking about the right time and the right way to say things. Trying to protect your own kid.  I am sure part of this too is from the fact that he has withheld affection from me when he is angry at me in past.  Yuck.

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