Home fewer than 24 hours and I'm sick from the stress.

[Modron]

I was away at a conference for a few days. It was great. Being away helped me get a break from being sick from the stress here at home. Fewer than 24 hours home and I'm sick with a migraine, body aches, and nausea. I've been raged at over how many laps we walked on the track at the gym, because that was something that couldn't be handled with a simple conversation.

I can't think of a solution other than divorce. I'm, actually, kind of excited about it. Previously, I felt I was at radical acceptance. Radical acceptance of the rages, complaining, spending... .I'm not sure I wasn't. I have begun to realize while I accept that's the way it is, it's not the way I want to live. It's interesting that the good times and the fun we had when we first got together are, actually, what's motivating my thoughts about divorce. I'd like to enjoy that part of life. But, it's not going to happen with my wife. She hates herself too much.

So far, I'm looking for a psychologist to go to to help me be strong and deal with all the conflict we'll have as we move toward divorce. And, to help me return to being happy. After being raged at over walking laps I felt like dying had to be better than living like this. I'm not considering  doing myself any harm. It's just that when what you experience is that bad it's time for a change. I'm so beaten down that I need someone to help me get back up again. Also,

I want to be happy. I'm not sure I've ever in my life wanted happiness so much. This miserable life with someone who hates herself isn't what I want. And, it's never going to get better. But, I want to be happy.

I also started looking for divorce lawyers.

So, I feel like not doing something "right now" puts me in the ":)eciding or Conflicted" category, but only until I'm strong enough and have learned skills to manage the break up.

[formflier]

Whew... .hang in there.  Raging about lap walking it tough...   Really raging about anything is tough to take.

 

I would suggest a two pronged strategy.


1.  Proceed forward with a divorce lawyer.  Yes, actually interview, but likely don't retain anyone.  Goal is to figure out a realistic picture of what divorce will look like.  You will need this picture to compare to the second prong.

2.  Proceed forward with learning about tools and using them CONSISTENTLY.   Boundaries especially.

Once you and your P and people on this board all seem to be in agreement that you are using tools well, then you should have a good idea of what life is like there.

Compare the two and decide your future.

Last question:  How do you know what he was raging about?    How long did you participate in his rage before you decided that you no longer wanted to expose yourself to that?

OK... I guess that was two questions!

Take deep breath... .focus on self care.  Think through the questions in this post.  I bet we can point you in the right direction.

FF

[Modron]

Hi FF. Thanks for you response. It's given me something to think about. My current response is: I want a chance at happiness, and that's never going to happen with the person I'm with. I can't love the tools I implement to cope with the BPD. They can't embrace me, or carry on a conversation with me, or share in a past time with me or any of a number of things that happy people together can do. And she, frankly, has no interest in any kind of mutual engagement in a life together, as she made clear to me, her lesbian wife, when she described to me in detail how wonderful it is to perform oral sex on a man.

Looking back I realize she made it abundantly clear to me many years ago that she loved rejecting me and hurting me in process. When we were young, she was on a downward spiral of alcohol, promiscuity, and rages that she, essentially, abused herself with. It ended the possibilty of having the career she wanted. It, for a time, destroyed her relationship with her family. And, she wound up in a previous marriage to a narcissistic drug addict who was perfect for her, complete with all the drama and mutual reviling she could ever desire. She had the opportunity to be really screwed up and still look like the healthy one. Nice deal if you're BPD and you can get it.

She tries to recreate it with me, like the rage over walking laps. How I know what she was raging about was that she did it on the track and in front of the gym and in the car on the drive home. And, honestly, I still have a pretty good imagination for what it would be like not to have been raged at. To be with someone who could talk about it, or laugh about it, or realize it's not that big a deal. Or, I have a pretty good imagination for what it woul be like to just be me with myself.

One thing I've learned since being with her was how happy I was without her. I just didn't know. Now that I have a basis of comparison of what misery really is, I realize all those years I thought were so unhappy were really joyous. And,  I'm a little upset with myself that I didn't treat them with more respect. I mean, as miserable as I thought I was then, I was in Heaven compared to what life is with my BPDW.

That being the case, I just don't want to be with her. I should never have wanted to be with her. The dream of rekindling feelings that should have died decades ago somehow over wrote the reality of what a nightmare that time was, what a nightmare she is.

I'd say my choices long ago when we were in our teens and twenties were a lot better than my recent ones, because I walked away. At this point, I'm thankful I had experienced life without her, so that now I can get out, cut my losses, and with the years I have left try to either find some real happiness, or at least not be so miserable.

I have taken inventory of what's kept me in the relationship: idealized memories of the past, needing to be the white knight who saves her from her horrible marriage, the relief her family conveys that she's finally with someone who will take care of her (aren't I great!), having not only a failed marriage -but a failed "gay" marriage, tossing out someone who clearly cannot make a life for herself.

I'm physically sick and in pain all the time. I'm horribly unhappy. I know that she could cost me everything I've ever worked for. I have to leave to, if not save my life, then to salvage whatever happiness I can for however long or short a time I have left.

The only reason she or her illness matter to me is because they are ruining my life and happiness. We both deserve better. Maybe she will find someone who can use all the tools consistently. I am not that person.

The only approach I see is get therapy so I can be strong enough to deal with the process of getting the divorce which is going to make life worse than it is now. And, get the divorce.

[formflier]

  and that's never going to happen with the person I'm with. 

Without "intervention" or treatment from a healthier person with knowledge of how to properly "deal with" pwBPD traits, I would agree with this statement.

There is no way to know how she will respond to healthy boundaries, healthy conversation styles... .etc etc until they have been tried consistently over a long period of time. 

This applies both ways.  Boundaries apply both ways.  If it is important to you that you not be raged at (and it should be... .IMO), then it is important that YOU honor the boundary.  People rarely honor boundaries that we don't honor ourselves.

Deep breath:  I'm not saying any of this is your fault.  I am saying that you are responsible for your boundaries.

Listen:   If you are convinced that you are ready to divorce, and you have been solid with that for weeks/months, then perhaps that is the path. 

Full disclosure:   I'm a stayer at heart.   I know plenty of people that have divorced, and that is a distinct possibility with me.  I want to know for me that I understood, lived and respected my values.  My wife has her own choices to make.

I would suggest putting some focus on how you could uphold boundaries better.  It applies to life, not just this r/s.

FF

[babyducks]

Hi Modron,

Being away helped me get a break from being sick from the stress here at home. Fewer than 24 hours home and I'm sick with a migraine, body aches, and nausea.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.   It has to be difficult to be at home and not be able to be comfortable, to have the space and place to relax.   I understand what it feels like to live in a pressure cooker.   And I think you are 100% correct, it takes a toll on physical health as well as mental health.

I can't think of a solution other than divorce. I'm, actually, kind of excited about it. Previously, I felt I was at radical acceptance. Radical acceptance of the rages, complaining, spending... .I'm not sure I wasn't. I have begun to realize while I accept that's the way it is, it's not the way I want to live.

Wow Modron there is a lot of insight and processing in those 5 sentences.         It makes a great deal of sense to me, what you wrote.    There are certainly times when enough is enough.   When you have reached the end of your endurance and limits through no fault of your own and after earnestly trying.  When at the same time the slow creeping realization of 'I'm not the same person I was 12 months ago, I'm not operating with the same understandings or feelings about things that I had 12 months ago, I've changed' pops up.   That feels like a break through moment doesn't it?

A relationship with a person who is mentally ill is so challenging.   Living with migraines and nausea is no way to live.   Changing that so you feel better and feel healthier is job one.     I often misquote some one and use the phrase living with a person who is mentally unwell is like living inside a Coke bottle that is being constantly shaken.   When the pressure is building you just want to release the cap.   Let me out !    And if you do, I will admit freely it does feel better.  For a while.   Until you realize you are sitting in a puddle of flat Coca Cola.   What's usually better is to slowly release the pressure on the Coke bottle, letting a little air out and then screwing the top back down.  A slow careful approach.   That is tough to do.   Hard on a person's nerves in a way.

So far, I'm looking for a psychologist to go to help me be strong and deal with all the conflict we'll have as we move toward divorce. And, to help me return to being happy.

I think this is a good idea.   I think it's important to have someone in our corner who gets it.     Who understands that this is not a normal relationship and who can advocate and support us.   I have a psychologist who knows the details of my personal situation in and out.  Who has been with me now for a couple of years and knows me really well.   It's a good investment.    

My current response is: I want a chance at happiness, and that's never going to happen with the person I'm with.

My experience was/is that my partner is chronically unable to be happy.  She is most comfortable when actively destroying things and will frequently use me as a way to self harm.   That's the honest unemotional understanding that Lesson 4 talks about.    If I want to live with that in my life is my own decision.  No one here can tell you to stay or go.    You know what's best for you.   Either way we can support you.

Here are a couple of thoughts that I had while reading your posts.    Is there a way you can minimize contact right now to give yourself some breathing room and to get out of the conflict?   Develop a sudden burning passion for a solitary hobby?   Something like fishing?   Can you take a night course?   Something that gets you out of the house for a while?   Whether you actually go to the course or not is up to you but if you sign up  it offers you opportunities to put a little space in your togetherness.

Interview psychologist carefully.  :)on't be afraid to ask what their therapeutic goals would be.   Make sure you are on the same page.    Protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially.   AVOID DRAMA at all costs.   Be careful of what you share, especially when you are not feeling well.    Adopt a Brief, Informative, Factually and Friendly approach to communications.   I am going here.   I will be doing this.   I am taking a nap.    Visit the legal board.   Divorcing a high conflict person requires special skills and attitudes.   Do what is best for you.    

I'm sorry for your loss Modron.   And what you are describing is multiple losses, health, hope, security, happiness.   Be canny and careful as you move forward.

'ducks

[SoMuchPain]

There is no way to know how she will respond to healthy boundaries, healthy conversation styles... .etc etc until they have been tried consistently over a long period of time. 

Right ... .but OP has stated that she doesn't want to spend her life using "the tools".  That she's not the person for that job.  And OP, I don't blame you.  AT. ALL.

I was in a lesbian relationship as well, and though while not married, I completely understand your wanting happiness so much, that even recognizing at this point that being alone would bring more happiness than the current situation.  I was there about a month ago when I finally ended it. 

Since I've kicked her out, I need to continually remind myself why I did it, but your post actually reminded me.  I was feeling just like you were.  I can very much liken your "walking lap" rages to the "dog park" rages I was receiving (I don't even think explanation is needed in these situations ... .they are that ridiculous that leaving them at this is just more apropos). 

If I have to be completely honest, I almost envy your position right now, just because I am wanting that reminder.  A month removed and I am starting to forget how bad it was (my relationship was not very long, so in no way comparable to yours, but definitely could have been had I let it go on).  But anyway, although awful, it was helpful to be living in those moments of ridiculous rages to remember how much I was craving being alone (now that I am alone ).  So thank you for that reminder, in a way, because I've been feeling very lonely today and idealizing the good times, especially since I am still conflicted on maintaining a friendship with her, but I must remind myself constantly why I'm not with her.   

[formflier]

2 more comments to add.

Yep... .OP doesn't want to use tools for entire life... .BUT... .   

There's always a but... .

Many of the tools and skills we learn, are things that we really have a deficit in... .and need to learn anyway.

The "boundary mindset" is a good one to adopt, especially if you start using boundaries to keep yourself out of other peoples business.

Really... .in life... .there is "your business" , "someone else's business" and "God's business".  If you are trying to affect the 2 that "don't belong" to you.  That's not going to go very well for you.

So, there is a benefit to using and mastering tools, even it you ultimately end a r/s with a pwBPD.

Babyducks comment about a good Psychologist is perhaps more important than tools.

Over the years I have benefited greatly from relationships with PhD level Psychologists.  Yes they helped me with my wife, but they also got me to see things about myself, that I had been ignoring.

FF

[SoMuchPain]

After being raged at over walking laps I felt like dying had to be better than living like this. I'm not considering  doing myself any harm. It's just that when what you experience is that bad it's time for a change. I'm so beaten down that I need someone to help me get back up again. Also,

I want to be happy. I'm not sure I've ever in my life wanted happiness so much. This miserable life with someone who hates herself isn't what I want. And, it's never going to get better. But, I want to be happy.

Also, on this front, you again perfectly state what I was feeling.  There was a point where I would go down to the senior center in my community and play cards with the older folk, and look at each and every one of their smiling faces and think "I NEED positivity in my life, like, especially in the long run."  I felt like being in her presence sometimes was like that of being in a black hole.  Even her affect was flat at most times.  I feel like we were involved with a very similar woman.