Reliable Cycles of Fighting

[Oncebitten]

Ok I want to know if anyone else has run into this... .every two weeks or so my suspected BPD gf picks a fight... .it doesn't matter what the situation is, she will find something to be mad at me about... .this usually lasts a couple of days. Once she is done punishing me for whatever perceived slight, we kiss and make up.   I have tried validation, with her and that seems to help if I validate her feelings and then apologize for making her feel the way she did.  

Is there no way to avoid these fights?  And why is the cycle so consistent?   Can she only take two weeks of happiness at a time?  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jrharvey]

Ok I want to know if anyone else has run into this... .every two weeks or so my suspected BPD gf picks a fight... .it doesn't matter what the situation is, she will find something to be mad at me about... .this usually lasts a couple of days. Once she is done punishing me for whatever perceived slight, we kiss and make up.   I have tried validation, with her and that seems to help if I validate her feelings and then apologize for making her feel the way she did.  

Is there no way to avoid these fights?  And why is the cycle so consistent?   Can she only take two weeks of happiness at a time?  

I think its quite normal. Its as if its on a clock and you can time it. I can always tell when its coming. Her tone of voice changes and the things she says in her texts change throughout the day and I can just tell she is going to start something that night. It could be about anything but 95% of the time with me its her insecurity about other girls that dont exist. My GF picks a fight ever 3-4 days. She always wants to make up and forget about the incident no matter how bad. No matter how bad of a fight it was she is fine the next day like nothing happened.

She never actually starts a fight over something I did wrong with these fantasy girls she has in her head. Usually she accuses me of doing something and then gets extremely angry with my reaction to her accusations. Ive tried every type of reaction possible. Validation helps a lot. Its the only thing that works. However, sometimes its difficult to validate her feelings because lately she has been hiding her true feelings and just going off about something unrelated and making it difficult to find what the problem is. Like the other day she got really pissed when she got out of the shower and I was on the couch reading some news. Hard to validate when she is flipping out because of that and she doesnt tell you why she is upset. After 4 hours of yelling and screaming over nothing she confesses she was upset because apparently my ex has a picture on her Facebook with my dog. I just thought WOW. And its still nothing really. I cannot control that but it really upsets her.

[Oncebitten]

jrharvey

well glad to see Im not the only one... .with my gf its almost every two weeks... .the subject can be just about anything... .always seems to do with abandonment in some form... .I have tried validation and that does seem to help... .its just tough because it seems to come out of nowhere... .one day something far worse could happen and she brushes it off and moves on as if nothing happened... then all of the sudden something minor can really set her off... .like I actually went out of my way to upset her... .often times I can see how she got offended, even if she shouldn't have... .this time she told me she was going to the dr and that she would text me when she got back... .i said ok told her I loved her, text me when you get done... .I waited to hear from her all day... .when I did she was mad because I hadn't texted her all day to check on her.   This is after two days ago when she informed me that if she didn't respond to my texts right away to not worry... .that she would reply when she had time.    

[jrharvey]

i said ok told her I loved her, text me when you get done... .I waited to hear from her all day... .when I did she was mad because I hadn't texted her all day to check on her.

Oh this story is too familiar for me. It happens all the time.

This happens a lot. She can be at work and real busy and tell me she is busy. Then not text me for 4 hours. Then gets really mad that I didnt text her random stuff throughout the day. I tell her I am busy at work too and cant just text random things but she never understands. She thinks it means I dont love her. Ironically she doesnt do these things but she expects me to. I have never given in and blew up her phone with text while she is busy. Its not normal.

She also has another bad habit. Months ago I visited my family and Didnt text her much. She didnt respond when I said good morning or have a good day so I just didnt send anything else. Then that night she basically blew up on me saying she was waiting for me. She made it sound like she was just sitting around doing nothing but awaiting my text like it was the best thing in the world and she missed me so much and couldnt handle it. To me this was absurd. I texted you in the morning and got no response. If you really miss me then text me yourself. Dont wait for me to do everything. I refuse to give in to that kind of treatment even if she gets mad at me. I dont even care at that point. Thats a trigger for me honestly. I hate people that dont lift a finger to put in any effort but rage on you for not putting enough effort in when your already doing more than them.

[Oncebitten]

jharvey,

I know right... ."you told me you didnt feel well you were going to try and get some sleep then go to the dr... .and text me later... ."  I am worried about you but rather than pester you with my texts all morning and interrupt your sleep I decide to do as asked and wait for you to text me... .but somehow doing what was asked of me has landed me in hot water.

[jrharvey]

I have found that SET communication works like a charm. The problem is that you have to CHOOSE to use it. Sometimes you are so mad, so angry and so frustrated you dont want to make things better. You want to attack her back the way she attacked you. Always visualize her attacks as the BPD and not her. Then you can use SET to bring this girl back to life. It works well for me when I am strong enough to do it. Its hard though.

[Oncebitten]

jharvey

I have already told her that I understood how she felt that I wasn't worried about her because I didn't follow up with any text about her though out the day (in an attempt to validate her feelings... .she has abandonment issues so I assume thats where this is all coming from)

if you dont mind how would I go about using SET in this scenario?

[Oncebitten]

I also reassured her that I did care and still do as to how she is feeling... .I also reminded her as to why I didnt text through out the day... .simply trying to let her rest and wait to hear from her... .she really isnt talking to me at the moment but she is sporadically answering my texts... .

I have yet to get mad, or even frustrated with her... .kind of numb about the whole thing at the moment, which i think is the best I can manage... .to insinuate that i dont care is laughable or very hurtful so I think numb is my best option... .I know that in a day or two she will be fine again... .and honestly I don't expect her to be happy with me all the time... .just wish she would reserve her anger for those time when I am insensitive and actually do something wrong rather than make up stuff to get mad about.

[jrharvey]

just wish she would reserve her anger for those time when I am insensitive and actually do something wrong rather than make up stuff to get mad about.

The problem is she works backwards. The "normal" person sees and action and has a bad feeling about it. Its not working like that for her. She has a bad feeling and maybe its even about herself. Then she looks for reasons she feels bad and notices you havent texted her and thinks she must feel bad because you havent texted her. Your action didnt cause this. Her feeling caused her to look for a reason she feels that way and she found you. Hard to wrap your head around.

I once cooked a steak and bagel breakfast for my GF and she was upset and kind of angry because I didnt make eggs LOL. I wasnt wrong for not making eggs. She felt bad and was desperately thinking of some reason for feeling bad.

[Oncebitten]

jharvey

I am sure of that... .she is upset with herself about something but it can't possibly be her fault so she is going to take it out on the guy she love more than anything... .I can actually wrap my head around that part... .we tend to hurt those we are closest too... .especcially in her case she knows she can get mad at me and Im not going anywhere... .I guess thats the hard part... .I can't read her mind... .so I have no idea what she is upset about, I know that deep down its not me... .its something else... .I can speculate but I will never know the whole truth... .which means I can't address it or fix it... .which is hard to do when you are the fixer type... I guess I simply sit back and wait for her to cool her jets and then in a day she can talk to me like nothing was ever wrong

[jrharvey]

which means I can't address it or fix it... .which is hard to do when you are the fixer type...

This is something I struggled with forever. I am the fix it type too. Most guys are. We are fixers. It helped me a lot to realize that BPD cant be just fixed by you or me. Theres no reasonable changes to our actions that will stop her from being upset so stop trying. I realized this and it was a huge relief. I was doing everything in my power to do what she said she wanted and make her happy. I just kept changing and changing and changing. Then it was never enough. No matter what you are doing it will be wrong to her and she will be unhappy with it. Just go back to living your life and just give up on trying to please her.

Im definitely no expert because i am new to all of this and learning a lot. It seems to me like one thing we can improve is our reactions to their behavior and our communication skills. We cant really stop the behavior I dont think but we can change how we think about it and react to it.

[Oncebitten]

and there in lies the problem... .a problem which can't be solved... .something broken that can't be fixed.  I have gotten a lot better at it as well. I just remind myself its not her its the disease, I don't get angry and blow up any more... .I just try to validate her feelings, reassure her that I lover her and I am not going anywhere and wait for her to cool down... .this last fight is a pretty minor one really... .just aggravating because for once I tried to do as she asked... .just let her be wait for her to contact me and it backfired... .she says she hates it when I worry about her but i think the opposite is the case... .she likes me worrying and texting her to check on her... .oh well lesson learned... .like i said the last couple weeks have been peaceful so she was bound to pick a fight about something... .if not this it would have been some other unforeseen iss

[Oncebitten]

Now she is deliberately trying to provoke me... .she got mad and attempted to start a fight... .I haven't given into it... .she sends me hateful texts... .just begging me to get mad... .I haven't is this my best course of action... .just let her be mad and vent until she calms back down?  Let her call me names and talk about how awful I am?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Now she is deliberately trying to provoke me... .she got mad and attempted to start a fight... .I haven't given into it... .she sends me hateful texts... .just begging me to get mad... .I haven't is this my best course of action... .just let her be mad and vent until she calms back down?  Let her call me names and talk about how awful I am?

Being called names for most people is hard to take and I get that.  The reality is that being called a name only really bothers us if we believe it to be true.  Regardless of what she calls you or those dreaded nasty texts, at the end of the day it really doesn't matter.  Borderlines do that to unload some of their own self-hate issues like a defense mechanism to to help with the extreme emotions they feel inside.  You don't have to let her call you names, you could leave the room.  I started a "no nasty text" policy awhile back where I simply don't respond to rude or manipulative texts.  It is a balance however because ignoring texts can be invalidating so I pick and choose my battles. 

[Oncebitten]

Bestversion

The name calling doesn't bother me... .nor do the hateful texts... .she does get to me when she says that I don't care... .don't really love her etc... .and she knows it... .I guess that's why she does it... .because simply calling me names has no effect... .I guess I just need to know what to do when she gets like this... .it always runs its course a day or two and then she comes back to baseline... .I have tried to validate her feelings which seems to help... .but just seems like there should be something more I can do or try.

[Oncebitten]

I guess I will just keep trying to talk to her... .hope that she will be receptive and  have a normal conversation

[BestVersionOfMe]

Bestversion

The name calling doesn't bother me... .nor do the hateful texts... .she does get to me when she says that I don't care... .don't really love her etc... .and she knows it... .I guess that's why she does it... .because simply calling me names has no effect... .I guess I just need to know what to do when she gets like this... .it always runs its course a day or two and then she comes back to baseline... .I have tried to validate her feelings which seems to help... .but just seems like there should be something more I can do or try.

So what you are saying is that the I don't care sets back the relationship and makes it harder and more difficult?  I'd say, just get to the point where you accept that this is the relationship you have and it may never improve.  Big million dollar question for you.  Do you care?  Why does that trigger you so hard?

[Oncebitten]

what I am say is that when she says that "I don't care" it hurts... .I do care... .the name calling doesn't bother me... .everyone is capable of that when they get mad... .it just cuts to my core that she would say that I don't care or that I don't love her... .nothing could be further from the truth... .I try so hard everyday to make sure she knows that I love her and that I care... .everything I can so that she feels safe and secure with me... .I know she has these problems, I know its a disease... .I lover her just the same... .I guess deep down I feel like after all this time she would know that, feel that, and not question it.  When she gets mad and tells me she hates me... .does it sting, a little, but I know that she loves me, I don't doubt it.  I would never accuse her of not loving me or not caring... .thats all

[storagecold]

Ok I want to know if anyone else has run into this... .every two weeks or so my suspected BPD gf picks a fight

Is there a specific event/time/happening that you found sets her off? Do you have to be present for the fight to be picked (sounds silly, but if my uBPDw can reach me -- phone, text, etc. -- she will pick a fight)?

After many years of dealing with it with uBPDw, I've figured it out. In my case, the explosions revolve around her period, and specific times of the year. For a week or two after her period, she's generally OK. The week before, her brain goes into BPD mode: picks fights, threatens me with divorce, blames me for everything wrong with her life, etc. I have gotten adept at letting it bounce off or diffusing it altogether, but there are some times.

I would suggest to you starting a simple logbook of good times/bad times. For me, I just mark on my desk calendar: and "X" for a "bad" day, "O" for good days. It really helps you prepare for the pattern.

[Oncebitten]

It can be anything that triggers her, the worst fight are always over anything perceived to be me abandoning her.  And they don't have to be in person, they can start on the phone, text, email, FB doesnt matter... .still in the dog house now after almost 3 days... .she is speaking to me thought which is an improvement over the last couple

[BestVersionOfMe]

Ok so this is not something that I deal with so bear with me.  So the main issue with the relationship is triggered from her abandonment issues.  So to her these feelings are very real.  I'll have to take your word for it that you don't do anything now or have in the past to inflame that right?  So you want to remain in this relationship and the abandonment triggers are the main issue, so how can you take the edge off those concerns?  Maybe we can change the background a bit.  Imagine you had a small 5 year old boy that you were shopping with at the grocery store.  Maybe he got distracted and went down another isle than you and got scared.  By the time you find him he is in a frenzy and freaking out.  What would you do with that boy?  Would you scold him for not paying attention or hug him and love him and make sure that his fears were addressed?  I see your girlfriend as that little boy.  Embrace her and love her with compassion instead of resent and see if she changes her behavior.

[Oncebitten]

Yes the feeling of abandonment is always what causes the big serious fights... .we have others but those are always quickly resolved... .within an hr or two... .but anything that she precieves as abandonment causes her to be very hurt and very angry.  I am aware of this and try to always reassure her... .but sometimes things happen out of our control and I don't think about her seeing that way until its too late.  At times when she gets upset and will still talk to me I do treat her like a lost child... and that helps tremendously.  But we have these times where that fear is so strong she gets angry... .and its always the ones that I don't see coming.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Yes the feeling of abandonment is always what causes the big serious fights... .we have others but those are always quickly resolved... .within an hr or two... .but anything that she precieves as abandonment causes her to be very hurt and very angry.  I am aware of this and try to always reassure her... .but sometimes things happen out of our control and I don't think about her seeing that way until its too late.  At times when she gets upset and will still talk to me I do treat her like a lost child... and that helps tremendously.  But we have these times where that fear is so strong she gets angry... .and its always the ones that I don't see coming.

Ok so when she blindsides you with anger, what is the most common context of those triggers?  Identifying triggers isn't as easy as it seems at first glance.  In fact as a society, identifying what the real problem in most situations isn't something that we do well, and identifying triggers is like that.  The devil is in the details, so could you explain some common things that happen, what days, what times, while you are away at work, after she speaks with a particular person, watches a particular tv show? 

Here is an example of a trigger that I discovered in my own life.  We have multiple bank accounts for business, personal, savings, etc.  The business account goes up and down depending on cash flow, etc and the relationship I have with my bank allows me to go negative and still get transactions paid, which is a pretty common thing today.  I had setup awhile back email notifications of the daily balances of all of our accounts that go to both my wife and to me.  So she would just pick fights randomly out of nowhere when we were doing really well and I had no idea.  This happened for years and I didn't know why.  It occurred to me after researching that the days where we had notifications that our business account balance went negative triggered her.  I removed the notifications to the business account and now that doesn't happen anymore.  That would be the goal for you is to identify the real reason the heavy abandonment happens and see if you could neutralize it before it happens.