Hi :-) I need your help. Thanks in advance

[UnforgivenII]

Hi. It is difficult to choose between "significant other has BPD" or "ex significant other", as I never know where I stand. And the craziness of it all is the Yesterday evening I met his parents (he never asked for my opinion about it, by the way... .I am 48yrs old and divorced and we are in a relationship since April so it is TOO EARLY but... .I did not dare to offend him.) and his parents liked me a lot. Maybe much more than him, anyway.
So... .where do I start? I am committed to stay. But I am already at the point where all my best freinds, my pastor and my son told me clearly to avoid him like the plague. But I cannot. There is this wrecking tenderness I feel for him. All the time. But I sense his rejection in such a painful way. Even sexually. I think he does not like me at all. I do not understand all his crazy efforts to win me back. Please help me to understand how to help him and me. I am already in therapy. BTW, my therapist advised me I will become his doormat unless I leave immediately.
I have seen glimpses of hell. But inside me there is this bond. What can I do.
PS(the diagnosis was made both from my therapist and he knows already but he says he can cope. He clearly cannot. Examples: he jumped out from my car when I was driving. He could die and I could have a heart attack. My son is shocked. He broke his mobile throwing it on the floor (guess who paid for the new one. And I am a single mum). Loads of female friends (this is really my limit).

Sorry for bothering you. Thank you for your help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi UnforgivenII,



You're getting a lot of advice mp from people who sound like they care about you.  It's probably hard for them to understand how you feel.  Our hearts can pull us places where others might not understand.  Is he in treatment for BPD?

If you're committed,  then it's worth it to you to understand the disorder and also to understand how to reduce conflict in your side.  Take a look at the lessons to the right off the board. 

That being said,  his behaviors do sound extreme.  Do you feel safe around him?

Turkish

[motherhen]

How is your son coping with this new relationship? I'm glad you are seeing a therapist already. BPD relationships tend to move very fast, getting in deep in a short period of time. I would be concerned that you don't have good boundaries if you are paying for a phone he broke 2 months into the relationship. Good boundaries are a must for a successful relationship with a BPDso.

[Turkish]

I came home to an empty house and her cell phone in pieces down the hallway, indicating that she had thrown it.  I had left with our baby to go get groceries.  She had retreated to the bedroom to sleep through depression.  I failed to validate,  and didn't handle it well.

Another time,  I had let our baby son fall asleep before his bath time.  She got so angry that she slammed the refrigerator door hard enough to spill the door contents into the floor,  breaking several items and making a big mess.  I was shocked.  In put our baby in his crib and then was on my hands and knees cleaning up the mess while she chew angrily at the take. 

In the first incident,  I could see how I triggered her abandonment fears. In the second,  however,  she was 100% responsible.  Where I didn't do well in the second was by not saying anything (truthfully I was a little scared}, I signaled that I would enable her bad behavior by cleaning up.  I didn't make the mess;  it wasn't mine to clean up.

motherhen referred to boundaries. Here are some discussions.  Let us know what you think. 

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

From the second link:

Value:   Important aspect of life that I commit to live fully.
Boundary:   Defining what falls outside of my value, what is unacceptable.
Action:   One of the options I have when a boundary is threatened.

Can you incorporate this into your current situation? 

[UnforgivenII]

Thanks a lot motherhen and Turkish. I will read all the articles and the books. Motherhen is right and I am determined to never pay anything for him again. He just "forgot" to give me back the money but I will never allow him something like this anymore. This morning I go to my therapist and I want to make a list of what I can stand and what I cannot, and what to do if he violates my boundaries. No, Turkish, I feel safe around him. Physically I mean, not emotionally. When we got back together we talked for more than four hours and we agreed on communicating in a certsin way. If he gets angry I will go away and we will talk again when we are both calmed down. He promised "I will not get angry anymore" and at this point I watched him and we could not help but laughing like crazy. Anyway . I have noticed he has lied to me on two very minor things. Why? He also seems to forget what he did to a certain extent. How is it possible? And then... .sorry I have to ask. Why he makes love DRESSED? It is so weird. I know he wants me-sometimes- but he looks so stressed, he seems to notice every little stupid thing going on and it bothers him to no end.  He is too concentrated on everything but himself. How can you enjoy sex in this way? Has it anything to do with Bpd? How can I help? Sorry... .but I have noone else to ask. Thank so much in advance.

[living in the past]

Hi,  I hope you stick to your deadline at least for your son, also I don't want to read here your problems getting worse, you seem to have fallen right smack in the middle of his BPD illness , I know its hard to leave, but I give you credit for leaning that way, good luck to you.

[Riverrat]

Lol! had to laugh a bit at the made love dressed part. My dBPD gf cannot take her top off for anything.  Even in the dark, she is totally ashamed of her chest, which is very nice and normal, I might add. I can touch her under her shirt, but if I take it off she pushes me away and gets very uncomfortable.
Something from her childhood I guess, or from a previous boyfriend.