Guilt about possible NC

[chillamom]

Hello, all... .like many of you now and previously, I am really struggling with the issue if going NC with my dBPDexbf.  At the suggestion of my T, I had been doing LC with him, mostly to assuage my own guilt and also because of the tremendous emotional firestorm that he was experiencing and barraging me with.  I am ashamed to admit it, but he DID pull me back in.  It felt almost inevitable that this would happen, and now I KNOW the only way I can personally deal with this is to go completely NC. I am feeling tremendously bad about this prospect.  He literally has no friends, is at the end stage of several summer classes that he is struggling with, and of course would blame me for any failures that resulted from the NC behavior (and would somehow find a way to let me know).
I feel that NC is pretty drastic.  I certainly never needed to use this when I divorced my husband in 2012 after a 30 year marriage!  He and I are quite amicable and can have enjoyable conversations and help each other when needed (of course, ex-husband did not have a PD of any type).  I want to be friendly!  I want to do the right thing!  I want to heal, but I don't want to hurt this man, who despite all of his difficulties, has a good heart and wants to do the right thing.

One thing I found comforting that I wanted to share - it MAY help me gain perspective and it may help someone else - I shared this with a friend who is a former priest last night, and he essentially told me "God wants me to step out of the way so HE can do his work with (ex's name)."  Friend told me that I am NOT being an evil witch for going NC, and that it is needed for (ex) to do the work he needs to do on himself.  I found this comforting because of my religious background.

Anyway, thank you for listening.  My main problem here is NOT wanting to hurt the man with BPD but at the same time REALLY needing to do NC.  This past week has proven this to me beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Is NC ever really justified, or is it just cruel and unusual?  Is it something that some of you have found can be "lifted" after time? 

NC in some ways seems tantamount to the dreaded "silent treatment" that many have experienced.  What's the difference, or is there a difference?  I'm really struggling with this and any shared stories or insights are much appreciated.  Thank you!

[pjstock42]

From my research, NC is definitely not akin tot he 'silent treatment' and is a necessary step in healing. The BPD/narc is the person who has inflicted abuse on you, it is often done covertly and also often counterbalanced by the "good times" of love-bombing and idealization which make it easy to get sucked back in.

My situation was maybe different than others to the extent that I reached out to my ex BPD gf in an attempt to receive some kind of closure after her sudden discard of me. The email chain went back and forth a few times before I realized that it only served the purpose of her painting me to black and I forcefully instated NC from there on out as the communication was getting me nowhere. She said over and over again how we should stay in contact and how she could "help me get through this" but I knew that any form of communication with her would only serve the purpose of her justifying her horrific actions while also trying to make me feel guilty and give me false hope that it was possible to go back to what we had.

I'm really only about a week in to full on NC so I'm clearly no expert on this but just wanted to share my thoughts.

[drained1996]

 My main problem here is NOT wanting to hurt the man with BPD but at the same time REALLY needing to do NC.

Those are very conflicting emotions to have I can say through much experience of my own.  I literally had years of those feelings, and many push/pull and recycle events over that time.  Looking back, my inability to do what I knew I had to do caused us both more pain and suffering.  It's really up to us to set boundaries that our borderlines are incapable of doing.  For us non's it's self protection and the first step to getting out of the FOG so we can even begin to evaluate where we are in life.
My experience tells me, you may put this off as long as you choose, but it's the only inevitable answer to the problems you face.  I'm so sorry chillamom, I understand, I still love my exBPD as she has so much good inside her.  But I know that her dark illness consumed me as well and that's no way to live life for anyone... .I deserve better... .and so do you.

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,



I think that what the priest is saying is "let go and let god" I removed myself from my exBPDw circle because I didn't want to be an enabler and be a part of her dysfunction, the less people that enable, I believe the better the chance that she'll hit her rock bottom and that may be the catalyst for her to get help.

BPD is not something that I can fix, I let her go and put my faith in a higher power. I needed to take care of myself so that I could take of our children and to compensate for her shortcomings. I'd like to touch on what drained1996 said about boundaries, boundaries is self compassion and self love, it's not selfish to take of ourselves.

How does someone heal that doesn't want to get healed? If your ex is not self aware of his behaviors and isn't ready to get help, I strongly suggest to self protect and take care of you. I've said this many times on this board that NC is not a fast and hard rule, it's malleable but you need to heal first and be really strong to resume contact. Take really good care of yourself.

[hurting300]

 Their is a difference between No Contact and Silent treatment. If you express to him the relationship is over and you wish to move forward then how can he make you feel guilty? A lot of people here mistake how No Contact works. If you simply stop contact without being respectful enough to tell him, then it doesn't matter what it's called. You shouldn't have guilt if you ended it the right way.

[married21years]

once you go NC you never look back! 

[Ahoy]

once you go NC you never look back! 

Yep it was the only way I detached. My NC was not by choice tho, still thankful

I was conflicted too, my ex has lovely qualities when she is not dysregulated, but friendship with a BPD is usually one sided and all about them. With their raging emotions, it's often all they can focus on

I think you have a good heart. I agree with Mutt, your helping is really just enabling and will likely just pull you back into the drama and chaos.

[married21years]

once you go NC you never look back! 

Yep it was the only way I detached. My NC was not by choice tho, still thankful

I was conflicted too, my ex has lovely qualities when she is not dysregulated, but friendship with a BPD is usually one sided and all about them. With their raging emotions, it's often all they can focus on

I think you have a good heart. I agree with Mutt, your helping is really just enabling and will likely just pull you back into the drama and chaos.

we cannot fix them or help them

place a boundary as i did

come clean get help or it over

forced them to make a decision

then stick to that decision, i am strong and it has not been easy and they are pissed at NC but the only way

they move on and paint you black ASAP

you move on and they  realize just how amazing you are!

divorce is in the courts!

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom,

I empathize with your feelings; it's hard to let go. It was for me, too.  

I agree with the other members on this thread: NC is not the same as the silent treatment. When we communicate to our partners that we need a time out from contact in order to let go of the relationship and heal, and then back it up with action, in my opinion, that is a self- (and other-) respecting course to take. It's called taking care of yourself, and of course you can resume contact at a later date when you feel detached and ready (I would caution, however, to wait much longer than just when the pain subsides to think about LC, but that comes from my own experience and may not reflect yours).

Also, adding to what Mutt wrote about enabling: I do think that many of us have bought into the belief that pwBPD (or anyone else for that matter) is helpless without us. It makes sense, as many of our partners have said as much, and even their actions might back up that theory, but I think this can be a "co-dependent trap" that keeps us from taking responsibility for our own wellbeing. At least that is what I saw in myself, and I hope that statement doesn't read like me advocating a lack of compassion; I just feel that sometimes we have to call ourselves out on these ideas that we, the "nons," are so dang important to the fate of our partners' ability to function.

I admire your honesty working through this, chillamom. You are obviously a very caring person. How does it feel to you to trust that your ex will be okay if you take a break?

heartandwhole

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Just like your situation I have been pulled back in any time she comes around.  Right now she isn't responsive and isn't initiating anything so it makes it much easier.  The only advice I can give is that the more you do it the easier it will become.  I know if my exBPDgf cycles back through I'll have to do the most painful thing I can imagine, ignore her.  Hang in there and do your best, if you fall short learn to forgive yourself.

[ICantFixHer]

Drained1996 wrote:

"Looking back, my inability to do what I knew I had to do caused us both more pain and suffering."

This is so, so important, this cuts to the heart of the matter: we, the NONs, f'd up by not enforcing our boundaries and literally handing our self-respect over to our exBPDs. Talking this over with my T helps tremendously.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This is so, so important, this cuts to the heart of the matter: we, the NONs, f'd up by not enforcing our boundaries and literally handing our self-respect over to our exBPDs.

SO AB-SO-LUTELY FREAKING TRUE!

[drained1996]

"Looking back, my inability to do what I knew I had to do caused us both more pain and suffering."


While I found that true in retrospect with my experience... .we all must travel at our own pace, mine was slow, others are at medium speed, and some are lightening quick at reacting to the red flags.  I probably would have ended it long before I did, if I didn't know about the diagnosis... .this gave it a name... .it gave her a reason to be that way... .that it wasn't her fault... .an excuse so to speak... .and a hope for at least improving since she was actually in counseling... .and even after... .when she wasn't... .
I will say the longer it drug along the more drained I became, the FOG made my decisions, and not the real me.  The FOG can get so thick it can cushion you from hitting the bottom.  Somewhere in my journey I think I had to get out of the fetal position because I hurt so bad, and put my feet down... .and they touched something and... .my long journey to finding me again began... .and through pitfalls and triumphs almost two years later I'm still on that road.  But I'm well on my way to being a better me!

[married21years]

we must not punish ourselves with the benefit of hind sight

if we made the right decision at the time with the info we had we did nothing wrong! 

[pjstock42]

we must not punish ourselves with the benefit of hind sight

if we made the right decision at the time with the info we had we did nothing wrong!  

This is something that I try to remind myself of every day. I made the decisions that felt right based on the info that was provided to me with the assumption that said info was truthful.

The struggle for me comes in during this hindsight period where the ego has so much confusion and doesn't want to admit to being wrong. It's not that I was "wrong" during those times because I was being lied to but it still left me in the same position and that mental reconciliation is what keeps my mind spinning in circles all day. I thought I did the right thing, I thought everything was as it should be and then it all disappeared and through this trauma, I found out that I really was wrong but for reasons outside of my control.

[chillamom]

Hello,

Haven't posted in about a week because I've just been too emotionally wrung out from my whole recycled dBPDbf situation.  I want to thank those of you who responded to my queries about feeling guilty for considering NC.  I'm still feeling guilty, and I'm still stuck, but I'm comforted that so many of you can relate to these feelings.  So thanks to pjstock42, drained1996, the wonderful Ambassadors Mutt, Ahoy and HeartandWhole, SheAskedForABreak, Hurting300, and married21years.

I'm still sitting on the horns of this dilemma, and my T has once again expressed that LC might be better because total NC might enrage him to the point where he becomes physical.  I am especially concerned because my 18 year old twin daughters could easily be the focus of any rage he has, given that he blames the failure of the relationship on their inability accept to accept him.  Trust me, this is one of many, many reasons, but it may be the one he focuses on if I do go NC and that is a scary prospect.

So, I continue to walk the line between placating him, trying to emotionally detach while still being involved with him, and wanting to go total NC and just forget the whole thing ever happened (THAT'S not likely).

Has anyone ever been afraid of how their ex partner might "take revenge" upon family members, and did that impact upon your decision making?

Thanks, and I draw a great deal of strength every day from this board, as I know many others do as well.

[married21years]

you cannot adjust your strategy for healing to accommodate him

when we do this we invite problems, if we leave the door ajar we invite them in and give them false hope.

you must have strong boundaries and violence must be flagged to the authorities or it will flourish as a means of getting what he wants

the first time i was hit, i stood there and said do you really want to play that game.

this was a boundary that was enforced and she didn't hit me again for 23 years

i should have walked away that day, a normal person would have a co dependent didn't

[chillamom]

married21years,

Thank you, I do appreciate your comment that I should not try to adjust my healing needs/schedule to accommodate him... .and indeed I have been adjusting my entire life over the past 8 years to accommodate him.  I'm starting to finally see just how damaging this has been (CoDA meetings and my T have helped) but the tendency to put him first is very strong and I'm JUST starting to break that grip. 

It's a very fine line between caring for yourself and trying your best not to hurt the other person, and when you're so used to putting their needs before your's it's a tough adjustment! 

Thanks for your thoughts!

[married21years]

i am the same

its a transition for caring for them to caring for yourself

once you have made it things get better and they want nothing more to do with you as you learn how to defend yourself and not accept the abuse

i see a T and i am in Coda

it helps completed codependency no more

you will take this journey at your own speed, and you will get there, there should be no guilt this is perceived guilt that isnt real

this is guilt that you have placed on yourself, you have not earnt this

you are not responsible for his condition, his actions or his future.

you need to move on and take care of yourself 

[drained1996]

"Haven't posted in about a week because I've just been too emotionally wrung out from my whole recycled dBPDbf situation"

Chillamom, again your own words show you your path.  I empathize as I was unable to clearly see my own words and thoughts while encompassed in the FOG.  I hear your worries about possible physical abuse or attack on you or your children... .but there are remedies for that. 
I'll ask, what good is LC with your pwBPD?
What is that accomplishing?
What problems might it be solving?
What means to and end does it serve?
How is it making YOU better?... .'cause it certainly seems it isn't... .

[chillamom]

@married21years:  I hope that you are finding CODA meetings helpful; I am just dipping in to them and am reading the various Melodie Beatty books, I am finding "my voice" a little bit because of all of this (and my T), but I find that scratching the surface of all this mess is turning me into someone who has a lot of anger that I was previously unaware of.  Maybe that's healthy to a point and I'll find a balance, but I've never been an angry person and it's unfamiliar!

@drained1996: thank you for your kind words, once again... .I find that when I re-read my own posts and think logically for a moment, I can see the answer very clearly, but implementing it is (as you know) very difficult.  The answer is LC is getting me nothing except depression and insomnia, but it's giving him something, and taking care of myself to a greater extent is a lesson I need to learn.  It will be a new phenomenon for me after a lifetime of caring for my (ex)husband, my 3 kids, and now my exBPD.  I think maybe the selflessness that women are expected to maintain to be "good females" in our culture might be an aspect of it too... .it's a tough time for sure.  Thanks for responding, both of you!

[married21years]

  chillamom

hi i have read co dependency no more there is a bit in the back with explains the use of coda very well

i am now exploring my CPTSD

and i think my daughter is now co dependent

will this work never end