Hi Edgecumbe,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, to be split from your family and so far away must be so difficult. How are the kids doing with the arrangement? Do you have opportunities to see them?
Here in the US, there are dual-diagnosis programs, with the understanding that if a mental illness causes the substance abuse issues, then the mental illness must be addressed at the same time. Often, these are longer programs. In Europe, drug and alcohol treatment can be different depending on which country. In Sweden (Switzerland)? I believe they are using medication to treat addiction more than the model here, which tends to focus on group and talk therapy, often with strict rules for compliance, many based on Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program. The dual-diagnosis programs tend to be a notch above because they treat underlying mental illness, not just the substance abuse.
This:
I love her lots ... .,more than my very self ... .And I fear for my children with her .
... .is something you must address. People with BPD need partners who know how to take care of themselves. That means not allowing you or the kids to be abused. Letting her kick you is only going to teach her that she can kick you. And the kids.
The successful stories involve partners (us) who learn to love ourselves first. If we do not take that first step, then we are dragged down to the lowest skill levels in the relationship, instead of learning to raise the skill level to something much more powerful than what you have been used to.
Use this time now to build strength and if possible, find a therapist who understands BPD, or other personality disorders. Be explicit that your goal is to stay with your wife, and that you are looking for skills to help manage distress and stress, for yourself first and foremost. Even though your wife may not like her current conditions and you are missing her and being together as a family, this is a lucky break, a time to reflect and focus on what kind of life you will allow for you, and for the kids. Those values lead to boundaries that you can teach to your wife, to help her stay safe too.