The ex got diagnosed today - and I'm in a weird place with it

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDexgf got diagnosed today - so it's official she has BPD, but she also was told she's "too high functioning" for them (the NHS) to help her.  I'm fairly certain she didn't reveal everything she should have, but she's definitely not a raging sort nor suicidal (yet) so perhaps that's the line in the sand for socialized medicine to actually treat her.  The psychiatrist said some other things to her that I thought were way out of line, but that's not so important to this.  All that matters is that in the end they're not going to medicate her or provide her actual therapy.  They said they'd look into giving her CAT therapy via doctors "in training" or something of that nature. So, she's got her diagnosis and no way forward.

I'm sort of in a weird place about it because it's so incredibly hard not to keep trying to help her.  I've been trying to let go of so many of the co-dependent impulses I have, and it's really a lot harder than I could have imagined.  I do catch myself mid-impulse, so that's helpful, but she's still doing her BPD thing and I sincerely don't want to be effected by it anymore.

I've told her I cannot continue to do the same behaviors and interactions that got us to this place where there's really nothing left - and that I won't continue it.  Somehow she's taking this to mean that it's totally okay for her to be in contact until she figures out if she wants to be in contact. I really don't know how to be more clear about it - that I'd welcome a friendship that isn't like what we've been through these past years, and that I simply will not allow the same cycle to keep repeating.  That something has to change - and I'm changing me whether or not she changes her.

It's like she cannot comprehend what I'm saying, and I don't know how to be clearer about it.  She told me she's hit a place where she doesn't want to talk to me anymore but she's fighting it - I told her not to fight it, that's it's okay to feel that way, and it's okay for us to go our separate ways.  That I'm more than okay with that if it means its the only way we get out of this toxicity.  Somehow she took that in the exact opposite way in which I meant it. 

I really don't know how to proceed from here.  I've left it in her hands to get the help she needs - and I'm not trying to direct what that help is, or how she gets that help. 

I really hate to go a co-dependent route by just ending all contact of all kinds, but I'm starting to think that may be the only option... .I think standing up for myself and setting boundaries is having a bizarre effect on the interactions, and I really don't know how to proceed with removing myself from the recycle attempts.

[eprogeny]

My BPDexgf got diagnosed today - so it's official she has BPD, but she also was told she's "too high functioning" for them (the NHS) to help her.  I'm fairly certain she didn't reveal everything she should have, but she's definitely not a raging sort nor suicidal (yet) so perhaps that's the line in the sand for socialized medicine to actually treat her.  The psychiatrist said some other things to her that I thought were way out of line, but that's not so important to this.  All that matters is that in the end they're not going to medicate her or provide her actual therapy.  They said they'd look into giving her CAT therapy via doctors "in training" or something of that nature. So, she's got her diagnosis and no way forward.

I'm sort of in a weird place about it because it's so incredibly hard not to keep trying to help her.  I've been trying to let go of so many of the co-dependent impulses I have, and it's really a lot harder than I could have imagined.  I do catch myself mid-impulse, so that's helpful, but she's still doing her BPD thing and I sincerely don't want to be effected by it anymore.

I've told her I cannot continue to do the same behaviors and interactions that got us to this place where there's really nothing left - and that I won't continue it.  Somehow she's taking this to mean that it's totally okay for her to be in contact until she figures out if she wants to be in contact. I really don't know how to be more clear about it - that I'd welcome a friendship that isn't like what we've been through these past years, and that I simply will not allow the same cycle to keep repeating.  That something has to change - and I'm changing me whether or not she changes her.

It's like she cannot comprehend what I'm saying, and I don't know how to be clearer about it.  She told me she's hit a place where she doesn't want to talk to me anymore but she's fighting it - I told her not to fight it, that's it's okay to feel that way, and it's okay for us to go our separate ways.  That I'm more than okay with that if it means its the only way we get out of this toxicity.  Somehow she took that in the exact opposite way in which I meant it. 

I really don't know how to proceed from here.  I've left it in her hands to get the help she needs - and I'm not trying to direct what that help is, or how she gets that help. 

I really hate to go a co-dependent route by just ending all contact of all kinds, but I'm starting to think that may be the only option... .I think standing up for myself and setting boundaries is having a bizarre effect on the interactions, and I really don't know how to proceed with removing myself from the recycle attempts.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey epro-

Interesting that the NHS would just blurt out a diagnosis of a personality disorder without offering ongoing treatment, but maybe they have their reasons.  That may be good too, now she's got something "official" to go with on her own, although that really depends on what she makes it mean and what she does with it.

I really hate to go a co-dependent route by just ending all contact of all kinds, but I'm starting to think that may be the only option... .I think standing up for myself and setting boundaries is having a bizarre effect on the interactions, and I really don't know how to proceed with removing myself from the recycle attempts.

Why do you think stopping communicating with her is a "co-dependent route"?

[Herodias]

First of all... .who told you the therapist said that she couldn't be helped? Her or the therapist? I am only asking because mine told me that is what he was told too- that he couldn't be helped and that was not the case at all after I talked with the therapists. Keep your boundaries... .thats' all you can do... .sorry your going through this. You have to do what is best for you... You cannot save someone else.

[enlighten me]

In the UK the NHS is stretched to breaking point. Mental health is terribly underfunded so they prioritise. If someone isnt a threat to others or themselves then they arent a priority.  The county where I live only has 8 DBT places a year.

Its a sad reality.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eprogeny, You have the power to control your contact w/BPDxGF.  What keeps you hanging on?  Presumably you get something out of it.  What is it?  Perhaps you could start by going LC (limited contact)?  LuckyJim

[eprogeny]

Why do you think stopping communicating with her is a "co-dependent route"?

I was reading up on codependency and how NOT to end a co-dependent relationship - the route of NC out of fear, anger, or other negative emotions was considered a co-dependent ending rather than a healthy one.  That said, my therapist has recommended NC without explanation simply because of the tendency for my BPDexgf to trigger my PTSD.  I can't say I disagree.  

First of all... .who told you the therapist said that she couldn't be helped? Her or the therapist?

The BPDexgf told me.  Her psychiatrist diagnosed her and then said she was too high functioning to get medication or DBT through the NHS.  Apparently they reserve their treatments for the lower functioning cases, which I can understand... .but I find it appalling they can know she has an actual personality disorder and expect her to fend for herself.  That said, if she wants help there are plenty of ways she can get it even if it won't be handed to her on a silver platter.

]What keeps you hanging on?  Presumably you get something out of it.  What is it?  Perhaps you could start by going LC (limited contact)?

What keeps me hanging on?  The slight hope, which has been fading for a while, that we can become healthier people and be able to have a healthy friendship.  I think I've arrived at understanding she and I can probably never have a meaningful healthy friendship - no matter how healthy we become as individuals.  

It's just always going to be too easy for us to be a train wreck, I think.  As much as I hate to have to do it, I think I'm going to have no choice but to go permanent NC.

I think it's childish and immature to just cut someone off - it's not like it's all their fault.  Heck, I'm not sure any of it really their fault - they didn't choose to have their disorder anymore than we chose how our own wounds manifested.  Cutting them out of our lives without ending it peacefully just because we can't handle them isn't "fair" in my book.

Every relationship I've had was always left with a mutual friendliness.  I don't keep in active contact with most of them, but there's always the option for them to ring me or me them and to pop out for dinner together if we're in the same area.  I would much prefer to do that with this one, too, but I do not think I can... .it's just way too difficult to deal with the BPD behaviors for me at this point.

I have a lot of healing to do from my own wounds before I can even think of doing that, and I imagine by the time I can do it I really won't want to anymore.  It's hard enough dealing with my BPD parent right now - I don't think I need more than one untreated BPD person in my life.

[fromheeltoheal]

Why do you think stopping communicating with her is a "co-dependent route"?

I was reading up on codependency and how NOT to end a co-dependent relationship - the route of NC out of fear, anger, or other negative emotions was considered a co-dependent ending rather than a healthy one.  That said, my therapist has recommended NC without explanation simply because of the tendency for my BPDexgf to trigger my PTSD.  I can't say I disagree.

So I'm curious, was what you were reading about codependency in a "normal" relationship?  I can see how that would apply there, although I contend it's different when you're in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, have been or are being subjected to narcissistic abuse, and have a dysfunctional bond; the most efficient and complete way to sever that bond is by entirely removing the partner from your life, and it's ultimately the healthiest in the sense of self preservation.  Some say it's more holistic to back out in stages, communication that gets more and more infrequent until it stops all together, and it's up to each of us to decide if we can stay strong and centered enough to navigate that; me, no way, I was and had to be gone, gone, gone.