What if the pw/ BPD recovered tomorrow?

[Randi Kreger]

What would you do if your BP recovered tomorrow?

We've talked about how much we wish things could change. But what exactly would be different?

• Would you need to renegotiate your relationship in general?



• How would your trust need to be repaired?



• Would you do things you have put off, not had the time or heart for? School, friends, going to the Zoo? Going to Paris? Sleeping for 48 hours straight?



• Other than your relationship with your family member, how would your life change; how would your family change? Would other family members get more attention? Your kids?

I am asking this partly because of the upcoming book, and also because I thought it would be an interesting topic.

If OK, I would like to use it in the book ANONYMOUSLY. I will assume this is OK unless you say so otherwise.

Randi

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oy-vey!]

If the BPD recovered tomorrow it is obviously getting awfully cold in hades.

Seriously - there is nothing I would do differently except celebrate that S.O.'s kids will have a better chance at a normal life.  That is something to celebrate.

Oh - and get married to S.O. since BPDxW would no longer be a problem, legal or otherwise.

And then live peacefully ever after.

[Almost_Nobody]

         Sleeping for 48 hours straight? The best thing.Ya i cannot sleep from my teenage .I havent slept straight 8 hours normally without pill in last 17 years.

:D     I'll sell our house and lands and shift to a new city. I'll try to reform my family business. I'll give up relations with some odd people who strongly believes I am a big idiot and naive person as my father have made them understand fabricated lies.

        Ill go to my dentist to treat some of my tooth problems which i am postponing for years. Ill probably give up smoking. Ill try to take new Yoga courses.

      I'll try to rebuild some relations which has gone down.


      I'll try to write a novel on human relations.I am trying to write it for last 10 years. Started in various new ways and never finished it more or less  20 times.


What i'll do is not the trule and ultimate thing (as man always thinks they can do such snd such things if such and such things happen to them ) the better idea could have been "what will happen to you if your BPD gets well ?"

If i become idle to do absolutely nothing even my BP revives some sure effects will probably come to my life.

eg :

My health will imporve dramatically.

My apetite will improve.

I will eat something which i am afraid to try nowadays like Junk foods.

My mental peace and personality will improve and get balanced.

Lot' s of supressed dimensions of my life like watching classic films, and reading classic books will come back. 

[methinkso]

Fleetingly, I have wondered how things would change if mother became healthy.

Being near my twilight years, my feelings are most likely different now, than if I were still in my twenties or thirties.

Besides the obvious, that my life would be much less stressful, I don't see my relationship changing for the better with her. It's been too many years and too much hurt and damage. It's not that I couldn't forgive her, it's that I don't care to reach another plateau with her, in any form. I would still see her as she is now ~ I couldn't turn into a gushy loving daughter. So I guess that might imply I'd have to change too ~ that's too late. I have no desire to create with her what I most likely yearned for when I was a mere child.

Her becoming healthy would also not motivate me to make strides to change in my personal life. I'm quite content in where I am academically and financially. I do imagine there would be slight changes in my social life, with no longer being burdened with trying to maintain a tiny semblance of a relationship with her, which in a way is similar to dealing with any type of person who is low functioning. I could breathe much better and that would free me up to focus on me and my marriage in a way I have not had the luxury of doing ~ maybe ever, since she made herself a burden by the time I was married 3 weeks.

To put it bluntly, if she were to recover tomorrow, my feelings about her would be: "That is fantastic. Now, get on with your life. I love you, I wish you good health and happiness". I would have no interest for hanging around for the last chapter, if you will.

I would expect that I would show much less tension in my face. Feel less tension. Relax in a way that might astound me.

And I would think to myself, how sad to waste a life and damage others for selfishness and an unwillingness to not care enough to seek help when it would have been so much more advantageous for all concerned.

How would I expect other family members to change or react? I'd bet that my brothers would feel the same as I, and enmeshed sis would be forced to change, or simply act out. If mother were recovered, then I'd assume she would help sis, or hold her responsible to become recovered too.

[wish_2_have]

Sorry to say this but I feel like saying it anyway... Pigs might fly.

There has been to much damage done between my mother and I. She had made all the emotional feelings that a daughter should have for her mother gone numb and hard.

I would hate anything to happen to her but I am really sick of all the abuse she gave me.

When I was sick, she cared for me so well. I appreciated that and I needed her. But when I got better... .she was straight back to her usual selfwish way. I have had it and I dont take and put up with it anymore.

So, what does she do... .she splits me black and we have no contact once again.

It will never be normal.

Thanks to her (not really) I attract these kind of people in my life and I am sick of it.

I want to be happy and loved again.

w2h

[lollie1016]

My BPD father will never get better as has not gotten treatment and he believes that he does not have a problem.

If, by the stoke of some magic wand, he no longer had BPD, I would still have a difficult time establishing a new relationship with him. There's been too much damage done over the years. His being rid of BPD would not magically transform me into a healthy and whole person. I would still struggle every day with my issues: the damaged trust that permeates every relationship I have, the feeling that I need to be perfect in every way, the shame and conviction that I am seriously defective, the low-grade chronic depression, the need to hide all of these feelings behind a facade of happiness and competency. In other words, it wouldn't change ME. I will be working to heal for a long, long time whether he is healed or not.

Perhaps I would worry less about his threats to commit suicide, perhaps I would let him see his granddaughter, perhaps I would even invite him to our house for dinner. Perhaps not.

[Mollyd]

. . . . bitter retort coming . . . . w2h makes a good point . . . .

pigs fly in dreams, not on this earth

My stepmother would have to be resurrected from the dead, to be "recovered", and my bio mom is now age 66.  How does one truly amend 66 years of abandonment, and emotional abuse?  For the time she has left on this earth, if bio mom "recovered", I would be open to true amends, nothing less.  I would make time in my life to receive amends and work on forgiveness.  Otherwise, I would change nothing.  That's it.  Pfffffff.

I won't be holding my breath.

m.

[salveregina]

If my ensis recovered tomorrow, I don't think all that much would actually change in my life. 

I know that I wouldn't be No Contact. I think I would have a "normal" sisterly relationship, whatever the heck that means but one where we could tolerate being in each other's presence even if we are such polar opposites. 

Because we handle our needs so differently,and our world view is so drastically different from each, we probably wouldn't be the best of friends but at the very least a holiday together could be tolerable.

And of course if she were "recovered", her behavior toward me would not be so passive aggressive (who put the passive in passive aggressive?  )

I am not bitter about it so much anymore because I have adjusted MY expectations of her.  I'm not even mad at her anymore.  I just know that if given the chance she will cut me to shreds and rip my heart out emotionally... .hence the no contact - purely a protective measure.  I think she must feel relief with the no contact also - she doesn't have to feel so intimidated and inadequate around me anymore (HER feelings, not mine).

I would be overjoyed at her recovery so that we could be in contact but also because of what it would mean for her - a fuller life, less anxiety, less dependency, less victimization, less hysteria, more reasoning and critical thinking.  She would be able to make a decision without having to poll 5 people.  And most of all if she were more secure in herself, her own person, and she wouldn't be so intimidated by me. She would be able to do a little self-analysis and that after all is the key to the recovery - getting beyond the tip of her own nose - the narcissism.

Also Randi, it occurs to me that in order to get some really "true" results, you should do this stricly by PM'ing and I'm sorry that I didn't PM this to you and of course now I'm to rushed to re-type this.  I'm only saying this because I have noticed that occasionally there can be a domino or gang effect when people answer posts.  What I mean by this is that someone can pose a question in a post and a number of people all answer along the same line and then somebody else comes along who posts an answer along another line and then people respond to the new answer - a kind of running from one side of the boat to the other, if you understand what I mean... .I guess we all pick up on each other's thoughts and I'm just thinking that to get pure results, it should be done privately.

Anyway it's just a thought, good luck with it,

Salveregina

[Deb]

IF my sister got better tomorrow, was cured, or made signifigant progress, I know I would try and reestablish a relationship with her.Both her older daughters, too. THey have said as much. I would take it slow, like a long lost relative that I did not know.

I have often thought about doing things different but then, I would not be who I am, married to the wonderful man I married 24 years ago. No, I wouldn't go back, just forward.

[sadbunny]

If he recovered tomorrow, I doubt he would come back.  BP's after they recover, experience something that is profound in terms of humiliation for past behaviors.  I do not think he would be able to look me in the eye again.

Could I sleep better knowing he were healthy?  I doubt it, because the memories of his abuse would still be there- the uselessness of so much suffering would still be a curse.

His recovery can not take my nightmares away, or heal my broken heart.  The memories will always be there.

I don't have any idea who he would be without the disorder- he might be someone I like even less.

Happybunny

[lost_ethel]

If my BPD sister were to recover tomorrow, I could go back to feeling that someone loved me.  The "fantasy" that she loved me was the hardest thing to lose when we quit having a relationship.  I am 56, and got divorced three years ago from an abusive marriage I stayed in for 32 years.  I reconciled myself to my BPD mother not loving me, then my ex-husband not loving me, but thought my sister and I would have a lasting bond.  (We had been estranged for decades.) 

This may sound very selfish, but I don't care.  I am human and humans want to feel loved.  My dog and cat will have to suffice.

Ethel

[screamingfire]

Ethel!   ((ethel))   I feel the some way with Luna C. If she ever got better first of all G-d himself will have to come down and tell me. To be completely honest and I feel a little slilly putting this here but anyway-I would want her all for myself. My sibs are very belssed in the fact that they have surrogate parent type people in their life. I was not so blessed in that area. I would want her love, to FEEL her love, and be able to believe in it. I would also want her to go back to every person she lied about me to and badmouthed me to and tell them she was wrong. In the small community I live in and have to live in for a while yet, her smear campaign has been pretty effective.

[standsalone]

I hope I would find a way to feel safe again.

I think I would wish her peace and joy.

I can't imagine what recovered means re: mother.  Does that mean that the behavior that is so distorted and intrudes into every life that she touches would vanish? Would there be any lingering behavioral problems or would they magically vanish?  I suppose my question is what would she do? Would she acknowledge how much pain she's caused? Would she be sorry? The truth is I wouldn't know because after all that she's done to hurt me, there is no more contact. I can't imagine changing that.

When I first had my first who children (only 18 months apart), I would have done anything to give them the kind of grandmother I had. I wanted to spend these glorious years rediscovering things with my children and for that to span through 3 generations. I would have loved to have shared meals, holidays, shopping excursions with my mother. I would have loved to have a mother who wanted to see my children react to the beach for the first time (and each time thereafter), who wanted to take them to the movies with me, read to them, bake for them, teach them to cook. I would have liked to have had a mother who taught me to cook - or did any of those things with me.  I would have liked to have had the mother I never had but always dreamed of.  I don't dream of that any more. I only want peace away from her. I only want to be left alone. I would (and do) hope that she finds some happiness, some pure joy - if only for an instant. I would want her to be loved and to be able to love - just someone else. I would want her to understand that she's caused too much pain to be a part of my life.  My children will never know such pain - they won't even remember her.

[Reid]

I think that if my uBPD mother really recovered, I would like to learn to know the real her. It gets so difficult to learn to know someone who constantly lives her life through other people. I would really like to know where she begins and ends, so to speak.

To me it would mean a lot less stress if she recovered. It would mean that I wouldn't have to constantly watch my back with her and expect to get stabbed, used or painted black for whatever reason. The constant stress has been a real terror for me.

Reid

[SueH.]

Dear Randi,

Interesting thread/question.

If my BPD daughter recovered tomorrow, I would resume the "normal" life I had always envisioned for myself but which has been seriously derailed in the past few years.

In spite of my daughter having BPD dxed by several psychiatrists, she and I have a good relationship.  She has never been prone to rages, she turns it all inside and gets depressed and suicidal.  But she is very "high maintenance" in terms of demanding attention and care.  Our world often seems to revolve around her and what would make her happy and what would "work" for her.

The main difference in my life would be that I would no longer have to worry constantly about whether she is going to be okay or not.  I would just know!  I wouldn't have constant anxiety about whether she's going to end up in the psych hospital again and/or try to commit suicide again.  I wouldn't have constant anxiety about whether she's going to need my full financial support in the future; I would be able to assume that like any other intelligent, able-bodied person she would be able to take care of herself and get along in society.  Also, I would save thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical/psychiatric care for her!  I don't know what I would do with that but it would help me to feel more secure about my future retirement as well as about her future inheritance!

My daughter and her sister might finally be able to get along and understand each other.  My daughter's father (my ex-h) and she might finally be able to get along and understand each other.  As it is now, both of them (other daughter and ex-h) are both too scared to understand my BPD daughter, and too dismissive of her as not being able to just change herself and get better.  We might even be able to get along seamlessly as I always hoped we would be able to.  My other daughter may even feel like she doesn't have to stay so "perfect" anymore to make up for the trials and tribulations her BPD sister causes in the family.

My psychic load as Mother would be a lot, lot lighter and my life would have a lot more joy in it if my daughter was cured tomorrow.  As it is now, I'm a fairly happy person and fairly "well-adjusted;" but my life has a deep undercurrent of sadness because my daughter is unhappy at her lot in life which she definitely perceives as a biological/genetic travesty.  She does not blame me or anyone in the family for her condition.  In fact her PGM and P-uncle have similar traits that again seem biologically based, and she is aware that she inherited extreme emotional sensitivity.  She is just so frustrated that it causes her so many problems in her social interactions and it all adds up to her having a great deal of difficulty liking herself.  It's so hard to watch your child suffer in spite of making every possible resource available to get them the help that they need and want.

So life would be better... .I would travel more (many plans have gotten cancelled at the last minute... .), develop more of my own social life, things I am working on doing anyway but there's always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind like, Am I really going to be able to do this or is something going to happen, is my daughter going to crash right at the moment I get ready to do what I want to do.

I am always thankful for all the good in my life and for the fact that my daughter is still alive and still fighting her battle with BPD.  But I would take great joy in a cure.  I hope some day there will be one based in the biochemistry of the disease.

SueH.

[gettinthere]

I think Oy-vey hit it right on the head,

stbxbpw was supposed to call the boys every other night. Haven't heard from her in 4 days, Ican't imagine what is going through the boys heads.     

[RTTCB]

Hi Randi,

Good question!

The BP in my life is a friend - so we are not connected romantically so to speak. But then friendships are relationships too, and this one is of course fairly intense and demanding. In fact I don't think it can be defined as a friendship at present, more a caretaking role.

I think for myself, after reading your eggshells text, and realising what a BPD goes through in their own mind on a daily basis I would have to say that if she recovered I would be rapt for her. To remove that daily torture and allow her to lead a relatively normal life - to give love and receive it - to TRUST people etc - this would be magic! Additionally if I was able to share that recovery in a great friendship - well bonus!

She is really a tortured soul - and yes as a result she treats me and everyone else in her life that way - but your text taught me one very important thing (Well many actually!) - none of it is personal - so i don't take it that way.

I would not want to live her life - so sincerely hope that she does sustain some kind of recovery.

Hope this helps Randi.

[Mikki]

In the last couple of years my daughter has had two very good periods of time that have been of quite some length.

The first one lasted over a year and came to an end when she was under a good deal of stress. What we had thought would be a wonderful employment opportunity with my brother plunged her back into her old behaviors. Even though she was making much better money that she ever had, she could not deal with the stress of the move and the erratic nature of her schedule. Her frequent rages, suspicion of everyone and shortness with her children returned. One of her brothers was again painted black as was I.

When my brother told her this spring that she needed to find new work by summer she was very angry, but you could also see the relief.

Her last rage was in May, on her 30th birthday, at my house. She was furious that the afore-mentioned brother would only give her son some of he old baseball card collection and save the rest for his two sons. Mind you, her son certainly understood and was appreciative, but she threw a rage and left with the kids. We had just babysat for a week and as she was leaving she was telling the kids they weren't going to be coming back for a long, long time.

By June she was getting her act together in a way that I have never seen. Over the next few months she took on two jobs, arranged summer daycare for the kids, autumn pre-school and speech therapy for her daughter.She works at a pre-school during the week and picks up weekend hours at a gym daycare. She was thinking of moving back but realized that she needed to stay until the end of her lease and that the kids are doing well in the situation they are in now. She is carefully weighing the pros and cons of how this will impact the kids. None of this would have happened before.She would have decided she wanted to move back and be packed the next day. She would have found the lease to be irrelavant and justified moving the kids on short notice somehow. She is working three double shifts  in November to help pay for Christmas. She had three tickets that dropped of her record this month. She called her car insurance to see if her rates would go down. When they said no, she called around and found a company that is saving her $200 a month. Never before would she have done that sort of follow up. She would have just figured the universe was against her and let it go. We had a family vacation this summer and there were no scenes. Situations that I was expecting that she might react to, she stayed calm.

I had seen this once before, during that other good period of time. I had been so worried that she would ruin her brother's (the one she splits black) wedding, but she didn't.

This weekend all the kids and grandkids were here to go to the Pumpkin Patch. She invited her son's dad to join us, she was mellow, she wasn't short with the kids and we all had a great time!

Is she recovered? I don't know. She has never gone to counseling. She is on amitryptalin (sp?) for fibro-myalgia (sp?) and that could account for the changes. I don't think she sees the connection if that is what is accounting for the changes. And she was already on the same medication during the time she had gone back to the rages and other BP behaviors.

For my part, I try to do a lot of validating and praise for the great job she is doing. I have to be careful not to go overboard. Keeping it low key seems to be better. I try to react to her choices like I do my other adult children. I no longer assume that a statement of an expense incurred is a prelude to a plea for money. If I keep the conversation at a "matter-of-fact" sort of level, it helps. 

It is hard to fully trust her or to quit feeling like it could all change in an instant. I know it will take a long time for her brother to trust her. Her sisters, who would never think of letting her babysit for them before,  have actually asked her to do so a few times. I think it makes her feel good that she is able to finally reciprocate.  She doesn't verbalize it, but I sense she is really happy that they trust her because she is aware that they are very conscientious parents.

She comes home with stories about the kids she is watching at the pre-school she works at. She really cares about and seems to have a good rapport with them. When offered a job at the daycare her kids go to, she thought it through and turned it down. Even though it would be more convenient, she thought it might be hard to teach your own kids and add to some complications at work. I thought that was very wise. She has a timed and structured cirriculum that she needs to follow and I think that works well for her personality.

While she hasn't ruled out moving back down, she is taking things slow and carefully considering which offers the best options for the kids. I think she would like to eventually be back down her for her son's dad to be able to more regularly go to school functions and sports. I sure can't fault her for that. He does a great job of finding time to travel up for certain events, but it is not very convenient. I am just so pleased that she is taking her time and not moving on her first impulse. Did I mention this would never, never, never have happened in that past?

I am sorry for the length of this post. I just felt like I needed to provide a little background and perspective for it to make sense.

[downnout]

That's difficult to answer. Almost 'magical thinking'.

Honestly, I don't think my wife and I could reunite. As much as I would like to and have our lives return to the days when things were what they seemed to be, I just honestly don't see the possibility. With the breach of trust at the level I experienced, the put downs, smear campagnes, crazymaking activities in an attempt to make me question my own santity, the deceptiveness, and heartache couldn't be overwritten in a simple diagnosis as 'recovered'. Too much damage is done. The effort and means necessary to rebuild a relationship and rebuild the trust would be a burden too heavy for my SO to handle and not something I would want to undertake managing myself.

As sad as all of this is and was, it just plain wouldn't work.

[Bob58]

In the case of a Chosen relationship... .

I think that, if you accept the premise that you've never known your S.O. when they didn't have BPD, you have to consider the fact that if they, suddenly miraculously didn't have BPD, you wouldn't really know them at all.

It couldn't be a case of "getting the person you loved back".

You'd be left with either:

Your Non-ish, codependent self, trying to have a "new" relationship with a emotionally healthy person who simply isn't the person you "loved so much" anymore.

or

Your healed, and no longer seriously codependent self, who just isn't interested in getting to know that new person because there was so much water under the bridge.  I don't think a Non whose healed and grown would ever be willing to risk going back to situation.  Best case, in their own mind, they'd be reminded every day of how bad things used to be.

[elphaba]

Wow Randi - That's one heck of a topic to start!

If my H recovered tomorrow, if he was completely healthy mentally - I would be beyond happy to see him healthy, to see him be able to enjoy life and not feel the pain he has his whole life.  His mother once told me in confidence that she wished he'd never been born had she known that he would live life in such utter misery.  It would give me absolute joy to see him not feeling and behaving the way that he has.

It's not like I think life would suddenly become problem free, every life, every relationship has it's bumps in the "yellow brick road" but, if I am to be honest with myself,  I would probably fall in love all over again... .and even if we were never able to get back what we had, I wouldn't feel like it was just a dream, just an illusion... .I think that everyone is brought into our lives for a reason, I have learned from him, I have loved him and if he did not feel so empty inside... .maybe we'd have a real chance.

Absolutely TRUST would be the main recovery point of even a friendship with him, because he has absolutely violated my trust... .and I don't know if all of it can ever be completely forgiven.  I am guarded now, detached, because it is the only way to save myself.  For me right now it is about my recovery as a non.

but, GOD, to see him happy... .healthy... .I'd gladly forfit my dream... .if that meant we were never ever together again... .it would still be worth it to see him smile and not see emptiness or pain in his eyes.

- Elphie

[JoannaK]

Recovered tomorrow?  Well, maybe we could have a reasonable conversation about college expenses for our son... .and he would magically remember some of the terms of our divorce decree pertaining to responsibility for these expenses.

[Carol]

How could I ever trust my daughter again?  She has slowly and methodically whittled away at any love I felt for her. She is a "blood stranger" to me now and needs to come with a warning label on her chest:  Warning, this person may be hazardous to your physical and mental health."

[tigereyes]

Here's a shortlist of what BPD momster did while sick:

Prevented me from finishing college (long story)

Smeared me to hundreds of relatives and friends, saying I'm mentally ill and abused her

Did major damage to my career and earning potential

Did major damage to my reputation

While I was a dependent, refused adequate medical care, clothing, and education

Repeatedly threatened my safety

Destroyed all my personal property, including professional references, prior to 2001

Told me that if I succeeded I was killing her

Raged at me for getting good grades, being athletic, being a community service person, and otherwise becoming an independent adult

Ordered my father to abandon me and he obeyed her

I don't care if she's recovered tomorrow. Just her face and voice are traumatizing. I want her GONE.

[Rural_Problems]

Tigereyes

I don't care if she's recovered tomorrow. Just her face and voice are traumatizing. I want her GONE.

I'm afraid I've reached that point as well.  Luckily, my self esteem only took a small hit (I'm pretty introspective, and I KNOW I'm a decent (too decent) person).  But my boys - I don't know that they will every fully recover.

What's sad is that I'm so non-confrontational that she probably doesn't even know that I feel this way.  I just leave when she slips into the negative side of BPD mode.   

[BlackElf]

What would I do, Randi?  That is an interesting premise.  You see, I don't have just one BP person in my life, I have TWO.

Both were chosen relationships, my wife and her daughter.  Neither were as bad when I'd first chosen the relationship

as they got as I got close to them as is typical with people afflicted with BPD.  Some of the people have replied with... .well,

what is actually understandable and natural for people that have put up with BP SO's and children.  They want nothing to

do with the person ever again- because of all the pain within them.  I do not place blame on them, nor do I expect guilt

from them for this.  I daresay that most people would find no faults and would be amazed at what they'd put up with and

why they didn't leave sooner.  Me, I'd draw upon the inner strength that has kept me going with all of this in spite of the

pain I've been made to endure this last nine and a half years and I'd at least try to reach out to them and forgive what

was done to me.

What would I do for my Stepdaughter?  If she wanted to go to a technical school or college- I'd pay for it and work however

hard it'd take to get her situated in her first real job ever.  I want her to flourish above all else and it hurts to the very core

of my being that I can't help her do that because of the illness.  If she were well, I could at least give her a fighting chance

in this world.  I'm not so sure she has that right now with her illness.

What would I do for my wife?  I'd hug her and not let go of her for quite a bit... .  Not some short hug; it'd be a long lingering

hug, probably with a lot of crying involved.  You see, while she's a BP, she's still in there- and the person I married is

still in there, it's just twisted and corrupted by a mental problem that won't let her think straight or seek the help she needs.

Then I'd try and save up money to spend a month or two back over in Scotland for a third honeymoon.  Instead of the whistlestop

tour we did on our second one over there, I'd take it at a liesurly pace, making sure to visit both our ancestral homes (Her heritage

is from out of Clan Gunn and mine is from out of Clan MacDonald... .) and to do a much more thorough visit of the isle.  From

there, I'd work on building the Horse Farm we'd started with one of our friends to be more than the 5 horses we have and doing

some trip of a lifetime every 2-3 years.  We'd have the money then instead of her having spent it on Dollar Store trips and the

like.  I'd try to retake my, no, OUR life before the problem really became apparent.

[SoldierOn]

Hi Randi,

I'm sorry if this sounds like a non-response or even a rude response to your question.  The written medium is a difficult one to translate into what we would get if we had a face to face conversation.  Hopefully you'll be able to pick up what I'm saying here as being from the heart and from the experience as a child of a severely afflicted parent with borderline personality disorder.

I'll be honest and say that I wouldn't change a thing if my BPD mother miraculously recovered from her mental illness.  Nothing.  Her miraculous recovery would be undoubtedly false, flawed and x-x-x-xed up.  I know because she has claimed for the last 20 years that god gave her mental health.  He did not.

Your other questions seem to intimate that the BPD's "recovery" would somehow set others free to live their own lives.  Speaking as a child of a diagnosed BPD mother, I can say that I have had to work very hard to be free to live my own life and, most importantly, to realize that my mother will NEVER "recover" from her borderline personality disorder.  For me to even consider otherwise would be stupid folly and worthless dreaming for something that will never happen.

Trust me when I say that I did try, many times, to believe she was recovered.  I tried, many times, to "do things differently" based on her "recovery."  I even moved to many different states here in America in hopes of creating the distance I thought would give me freedom.  Those moves did not give me freedom.  Primarily because I did not choose to see that the mother I had was an empty well and that no distance could ever control her behavior of forever trying to suck me back into her sick world for her own sick needs.

I suppose I'm in the minority of your responders here.  I just cannot and will not allow myself to fantasize about a BPD mother ever recovering.  Its not going to happen, and honestly, as you are the author of "The Book" on BPD, I just don't understand why you would pose this question.  Perhaps your writing is taking a broader approach... .I don't know. 

I can honestly and assuredly say, as a 39 year old child of a mother diagnosed with BPD many times in her life, that nothing would be different in my life if my mother "recovered."  This is because I spent many years of my life (and my teenage daughter's life) trying to build a relationship with a mother that claimed god healed her from BPD.  I wanted to believe it and I worked my ass off to make a healthy relationship with my mother.  It did not work.  My mother constantly treated me horribly, with BPD tendencies in relationships, and I finally realized that I just didn't have a strong enough spine to stand up to her crazymaking.  I reached a point, repeatedly, of asking myself what was wrong with me that I couldn't build a healthy relationship with my mother.  Granted, she left me alone with HER abuser who became MY abuser in every way possible.  But I STILL TRIED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIPS WITH HER.  Until she stole my child.  That sad event showed me a reality I had overlooked for many years.

Since then, I haven't based my life options upon her recovery.  Instead, I've had to base them on the cold hard reality that my mother will NEVER recover, heal or be normal.  THAT is a shtty lot in life to accept, and is the hardest obstacle to overcome in an "unchosen relationship" with a BPD.  Every child (and then adult when they grow into one) deserves, needs and is worth a loving parent.  BPDs cannot give this because they are completely and irrevocably incapable of this task. 

The mere suggestion that I would live my life differently if my BPD mother "recovered" is laughable.  Its pure folly to think that recovery would change the painful, lonely, and terribly hard work required of a child seeking to live a healthy life after they've been cursed with a BPD parent.  It won't happen, so why ask the question?

I hope that you are able and willing to address some of the questions I've raised, because honestly I'd like to have more information to help me build a healthy and whole life apart from my BPD momster who is a true monster.

Soldier

[Healed18]

I would have to say... .I need to work on myself now, after neglecting me for so long.  Crappy thing is, I have to do it alone. So I couldn't be with her anyway.

[bewildered2]

Randi,

After what she has put me through I could never go back and risk it all again.

Anyay, she would be a different person, and now, so am I.

B2

[Kekepania]

"I think that if my uBPD mother really recovered, I would like to learn to know the real her. It gets so difficult to learn to know someone who constantly lives her life through other people. I would really like to know where she begins and ends, so to speak.

To me it would mean a lot less stress if she recovered. It would mean that I wouldn't have to constantly watch my back with her and expect to get stabbed, used or painted black for whatever reason. The constant stress has been a real terror for me."

What Reid said.  I think if Mom "recovered",  I'd be willing to work on improving our relationship, provided Mom acknowledged her mistakes, and made genuine amends for them.  But I'd be tentative, without any gushiness.

But I wonder what that would be like, to feel relaxed around my mom, instead of either on edge or disengaged?  Oh well--guess I'll never know!