FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

[BPDFamily]

Frequently Asked Questions
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• What is Borderline Personality Disorder
~ Clinical Overview? (Article/Video)
~ The Symptoms and Diagnosis (Article/Video)
~ How can I tell? (Workshop Discussion)
~ BPD Behaviors: Poor executive control (Workshop Discussion)
~ High functioning / low functioning - what does this mean? (Article)
~ PTSD vs BPD? (Workshop Discussion)

• What are the Dos and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship  (Workshop Discussion)

* TOOLS: For those who wish to stay and are willing to make changes
~ Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship (Article/Video)
~ SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN - Communication tools (Workshop Discussion)
~ Supporting a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder (Article/)
~ How to validate (Workshop Discussion)
~ How you invalidate your loved one (Workshop Discussion)
~ Arguing - don't engage (Workshop Discussion)
~ How to take a time out (Workshop Discussion)
~ How to communicate with your loved one (Workshop Discussion)
~ Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement (Workshop Discussion)
~ Intermittent reinforcement and the extinction burst cycle -(Workshop Discussion)
~ Believing in yourself (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Boundaries  
~ Planning for Boundaries(Workshop Discussion)
~ Why? How do you set them? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Establishing boundaries and sticking with them (Board Discussion Paper)
~ How to handle jealousy (Workshop Discussion)
~ Includes "putting yourself first doesn't mean abusing your family"
~ Includes "how do you care for yourself without sacrificing the relationship"

• BPD What's in the head of someone with BPD?(Workshop Discussion)
~ Mirroring (Workshop Discussion)
~ Splitting (Workshop Discussion)
~ Object Consistency (Workshop Discussion)
~ Projection (Workshop Discussion)
~ Disassociation and Dysphoria (Workshop Discussion)
~ Re-engaging (Workshop Discussion)
~ Fear of Intimacy (Workshop Discussion)
~ BPD Behaviors: Objectifying the Non-partner (Workshop Discussion)

• BPD: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch Mother (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Not my parents keeper
~ Our Dysfunctional Relationships with Others (Workshop Discussion)
~ Respecting our anger  (Workshop Discussion)
~ How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Effects Her Children  (Article)
~ How a dysfunctional childhood affects our development  (Workshop Discussion)
~ How do we know if we love our BPD parents?  (Workshop Discussion)
~ Includes healing the adult child of pd parenting
~ Includes what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

• BPD: Common Abusive Behaviors
~ What are the different forms of abuse? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Silent Treatment (Workshop Discussion)
~ Gaslighting (Workshop Discussion)
~ Smear Campaigns - What they are, how to handle them.

• TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts (Workshop Discussion)

• US: What it means to be in the “FOG”  (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: No Contact - What does it mean?  Dos & Don'ts (Workshop Discussion)

• US: What is a Healthy Romantic Relationship? (Website Article)

• US: Why we were attracted to a BP? (Workshop Discussion)
~ Codependency and the BPD Attraction  (Article/)
~ NPD and the BPD Attraction
~ Why we stay in BP relationships? (romantic) (Workshop Discussion)
~ Relationship Red flags - what are they? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: The Dysfunctional Dance  "Being a Victim of our own hands"(Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS:
~ Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (Article/Video)
~ How do you leave a BPD relationship?   (Board Discussion Paper)
~ How do you leave a BPD relationship?  (Article/Video)
~ What are the Stages of Recovery? (Board Discussion Paper)
~ Includes aftermath of a broken romantic relationship

• SUCCESS STORIES: How I gained control of my life  (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Treatment of Depression / PTSD
~ Depression: What is it - Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts  (Article/Video)
~ CBT - What is it and How it Works
~ CBT – Online Program  (Article/Video)
~ EMDR - What is it and How it Works (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Did she ever love me?  Does she miss me now?(Workshop Discussion)

• US: Can you hold the mentally ill responsible for what they do? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Domestic abuse: Poll and discussion on domestic abuse (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Is the sex really better in a BP relationship?
~ Includes toxic sexual addiction  (Article/Video)

• US: The Stages of Grief (Kubler Ross)

• US: Suicidal Feelings - What should I do? (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Why and Why not enter Marital therapy

• US: Domestic Violence
~ Against Women (Workshop Discussion)
~ Against Men (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: When are children of a BPD parent at risk? How to tell? What can you do? (Workshop Discussion)

• BPD: How a borderline "parents" / how you can help the child? (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: What do I need to know about Family Court?   (Board Discussion Paper)

• TOOLS: Shared Parenting
~ Things to cover in a parenting plan (Workshop Discussion)
~ Shared Parenting (Workshop Discussion)
~ From spouse to divorcee & shared parenting (Workshop Discussion)
~ The complex issue of alienated children   (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
~ Overview (Article/Video)
~ Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment (Article/Video)
~ Mentalization-Based Treatment  (MBT) - What is it and How it Works
~ Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP) - What is it and How it Works
~ Schema-Based Therapy (SBT) - What is it and How it Works
~ BPD: What Medications are usually used for bpd what their side effects?   (Workshop Discussion)

• TOOLS: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(DBT)
~ Radical Acceptance (Workshop Discussion)
~ Mindfulness (Workshop Discussion)
~ Radical Acceptance for nons -   (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Coaching others - do you find it frustrating sometimes? (Workshop Discussion)

• US: Forgiveness (Workshop Discussion)

[Skip]

The 'workshops" are a new venue for assembling the collective wisdom of the senior members.  35,000 members have passed through these halls and many are yet to come - each with different and valuable perspectives on the healing process.  

If you would like to participate (senior members) or suggest a Workshop Topic (anyone), please post your title/description or question in this thread.

This board has a minimum post count requirement and all discussions should be subject related (e.g., no discussions about our loved ones).

It will be interesting to see how this develops.

Thanks all!

Skippy

[JoannaK]

O.K., here is my poorly formatted list, just for pondering purposes.

As some of these topics cross with those above, I will come back and modify.

• What are fleas?
• But she's a good mother!
• How do I get her into therapy?
• Can a non re-engagement also?
• What is the Dysfunctional Dance?
• He/she's threatening self-harm.
• How nons enable their bpd partners.
• What it means to have a bpd partner (a patient vs. a partner), etc.
• What No Contact means, why you might not want to go to No Contact.
• Cognitive issues of bpd...  warped perceptions, problems with memory, etc.
• Dissasociation and dysphoria
• Physical ailments/hypochondria
• The "rescuing" "fixing" "Knight on the White Horse" phenomenon.
• Insanity vs. mental illness vs. personality disorder...  Is he/she insane?
• Narcissism...  Both comorbidity with bpd and in many nons
• Alcoholism..  Comorbidity with bpd, physical effects of alcoholism that complicate the issue
• The "drug/drinking" analogy...  a bpdso and the heroin or the booze effect

[JoannaK]

What if he/she had cancer?  (I would stay with him/her in that case.) 

[NewLifeforHGG]

Practicing Detachment

I think this is a topic relevant to all of the boards. We would discuss what it means to detach and the benefits of doing it. Maybe people could use examples from their lives but it isn't about their personal stories it is about the benefit of detaching.

[meryl]

I know you alluded to it already but the word Codependency...gotta be in there!

[meryl]

oh, amen- excellent first thread!

I have noticed some violent reactions to pd behaviors, especially where coparenting occurs.

I think tools, techniques, or ideas for accomplishing this would be great!

[bewildered2]

I've thought that it would be nice to access some info, or a guide, to the process of dealing with the aftermath of a broken romantic relationship with a bpd.

It can be a devastating experience, in the severity of the pain and the longevity of that pain.

It might be a good idea to help people thru that pain by educating them about the process.

I believe that Lynn Melville is doing some work in this area. Is there anything we have currently available?

b2 

[meryl]

You know, I am so past the enamored stage with my pd- more like shock and awe that I ever engaged. Anywho, my point being that my focus now is almost exclusively on me- the non.

That 'White Knight' syndrome for the men; for women maybe it's that smothering, nurturing, enabling, rescuing, CONTROLLING behavior [typical codependency stuff]- and that to me is such a worthwhile focus for nons: their contribution to the dysfunctional dance.

The question being: how come I got involved with a pd whereas others would have walked away?

Maybe redundant, maybe less useful when you're still trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with your partner. But for those who linger at this site [like I did for soooo  many years- and immobilized at that!] I'd like to push those folks hard to take a look.

Not sure what would've helped me overcome my terror at moving on- but I see so many *lather, rinse, repeat* that I consider it a worthwhile challenge to see if we can come up with tools for focusing on non's "stuckness".

My .02 for the day...

[NewLifeforHGG]

I agree with both topics above.

I am now at the 'now what do I do with myself' stage.
It is a very different place.

Maybe a rebuilding your life workshop. Focusing on the non helping the non deal with the aftermath once they have decided to move on for good. This may help retain some of the old timers who feel that they have moved on and the board no longer serves them.
A life after the relationship type of thing.

[Oy-vey!]

This is a great topic and one I've thought about at length - along the lines of "I'm out, so NOW WHAT?"

What does Healthy Living look like?
How does someone care for one's self without sacrificing relationships?
Just because you put yourself first doesn't mean you are abusing your family & friends.

Soooooo.  How does this work Skip to actually start a workshop?

[elphaba]

HEAL THYSELF

would be my choice for topics, seperate from all the bpd, why me, etc...stuff, just healing...all of us could spend forever talking about how we were wronged, why, etc...

[TonyC]

topics

i would like to see  diagnosed and undiagnosed...sections...

and maybe "i dont know what i want" as many dont...
a place to learn.. with others that are not up to the choice and dont want to be labeled...
                           

[LAPDR]

Pat,

I like the idea on the Stages of Grief, I see a lot of people here (especially men) who have a very difficult time getting out from under the shadow of their relationship and even for the ones that appear to be in sucessful NC. There appears to be an extension of the acceptance stage for many that continues on for a long time.

LA

[blondie]

Another subject that might be good is the decision to have a baby to help the troubled or failing marriage with a BPD.

The expected elevation of BPD actions while pregnant, post partum problems, then the poor parenting as the child forms lifetime patterns and finally matures.

Thanks, lapd. The stages include a lot of backsliding and getting stuck in one area. I think we need to bring that out.

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi

I'm not sure I can get enough oxygen up here, such a rarefied atmosphere & all!  Thank you for including me!

Long run, I will be in better shape for this, though right now I am ...so touchy & damaged dealing with the impact of my divorce & settlement & breathing all the dust I stirred up...and I have to do it all without cussing or even digressing! hahahh!

Just lately I wrote a couple of posts & chickened out on posting them.  So first, for us ... maybe to run something touchy, or not so "PC", by y'all might be a good thing.  We should consider keeping it separate for editing purposes before the initial post.  Or did you say that?

For example, what I had to say, that I dropped, involved issues we should cover...

My thoughts started with the Ava Maria/SO get well card...& it not being the right place to criticize or fix her...true.  Then we heard from...Momof3, & that was not as clear cut by any stretch...She was talking about DV & basically said...look I did it & it turned out wonderful...It was very easy to read it that way. 

And though she qualified it otherwise, it really was not enough to counteract any potential damage...so a gentle disclaimer/reminder was surely called for.  It was a newbie who spoke up & I had already thought...sheesh...someone could get the WRONG message here.  When Momof3 didn't like the comment, she not only said so, she used some incredibly vulgar insults to get her point across...in the initial protest post...not 2nd or 3rd, the very first response!  TelaCUMdiva!

So the issue of asking someone to leave a thread was brought up & well covered.  That is not the point (see I do get distracted by the process & can't focus on the particulars...that darn PTSD!). 

There are certain subjects we are obligated to be very careful with.  People coming here in serious pain, depression & vulnerable to suggestion...this is a good time to define some of them...DV as mentioned by Momof3.  She was really making it sound like it could pay off, when the reality was, she was lucky the man involved was not more like HER!  She proved her abusiveness with her comments to Diva!

My thought is there should be serious discussion of

Suicide...& threats of...

DV...I know I had more in mind...

the escape plan...

battered men

...false accusations...

PTSD & Stockholm Syndrom

Therapy, & not getting what you ask for from the T...

& my horse trainer always wants to end with a positive...

SEX

It also seems & I don't know where to take this...though women are supposed to be 75% of BPDs, there are far more women posting on a regular basis.  We need to level that out so us domineering btchy types don't overwhelm...where's PDQ when ya need him?

Turtle & Cyndi, you said you don't feel comfortable on the FOO boards, not that I do..  I post to some when the subject catches my eye.  Some of my best insights were brought about in those discussions.  One difference between us (Turtle) though, I raised children, & feel I can speak for them to a lesser extent...

My best moments this year, have been when people spoke up & directly thanked me for changing the way the saw things.  For a little while, it happened every few days, & it seemed to be all that kept me going.  I am glad you are here & speaking to these people has be a godsend in my evolution.  Thanks again, you are a great bunch!

Silas

[Cyndi]

Identifying different forms of abuse that are some times not as apparent and are sometimes misunderstood such as gaslighting.

I like the idea of life after the realtionship.  Especially for those who have been in the relationship for many years

[LAPDR]

I'm not sure what the stats really are but one theme I see is BP partner has lots of affairs or has none at all. Having one that does jump from affair to affair appears to make the pain feel so much deeper and wonder if this would benifit members in dealing with a SO that repeats this behavior.

LA

[Mollyd]

I agree a full discussion of codependency is needed - maybe multiple facets of this issue

Also, I'd like to have the Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch explainations - with the corresponding Hunter, King etc. partners.

"recovery" - what it looks like, vs. intermittent reinforcement

thorough discussion of dbt - what is it and why it is viewed to be an effective tool in recovery efforts

differences between npd, apd, bpd - beyond the clinical criteria - what it looks like in real life

bpd and addiction - what if there is both?  what is addiction and how it is different/similar to pd issues

what kids need who have a mentally ill parent

healing the adult child of pd parenting  (too clinical?)

therapy, therapy, therapy, what is it?  why and why not do Marital therapy, what to expect, and how to know if it's the right "fit"

[Joshua]

LC, NC- which is right for YOU?"-type workshop would be a good idea. It seems like the battle cry of a lot of posters is "NO CONTACT EVER!", while disregarding specific relationship dynamics. I would never establish contact with either of my abusive exes, but that's a pretty personal decision. NC just isn't the be-all and end-all. It could be darn well close to that, but it isn't.