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Author Topic: TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]  (Read 37302 times)
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Gender: Female
Posts: 110

« Reply #60 on: February 21, 2012, 04:41:49 PM »

On the Dr. Phil show today (3/21) they had a woman that was in a very abusive relationship. They had plans, on Dr. Phil's webiste, for SAFE exit strategies...web address is below:

 An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

 After Leaving the Abusive Relationship:

     If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving

     If you leave: 


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
Henry David Thoreau

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Posts: 826

« Reply #61 on: June 26, 2013, 08:01:51 PM »

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this posting.  

This afternoon my husband came home and threatened me.  Because I had read this posting, I knew that I had to get out immediately before the situation became worse.  I am now sitting in a domestic violence shelter in a dark room and my son is asleep in the crib in here.

My husband is sending message after message that if I don't come home with his son (our son).  He will call the police and report that I have kidnapped him.  I responded that we would both be home soon but that I did not feel safe at home right now (true).  

I don't know what will come out of this situation but I know that this posting probably saved my bacon today.   rolleyes
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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 13036

You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...

« Reply #62 on: June 26, 2013, 11:00:01 PM »

My husband is sending message after message that if I don't come home with his son (our son).  He will call the police and report that I have kidnapped him.

Reality check...    He's huffing and puffing as far as the legal consequences so it's mostly hot air, his sense of emotional entitlement and need to demand and control.  As your DV shelter counselors and even the police would probably tell you, as parents and as husband and wife, you both have equal but unspecified rights as parents.  The police won't force you to go back.  The police won't force an exchange since there is no court order specifying a parenting time schedule or exchange times and locations.  The police won't declare an Amber Alert on you, not without reasonable cause.  Yes, if he calls them, they may try to do a 'welfare check' on the children to make sure the children are okay, but most likely that's it.  Yes, it could become very sticky and complicated if your spouse starts making false (legally: unsubstantiated) allegations.

If your spouse is willing to start meaningful therapy, make meaningful improvements and walk that path toward recovery, there is hope for the marriage.  If not...  then it's time to investigate your legal options.  You not only need to feel safe for yourself, but also ensure the children are as safe as circumstances allow.  If you don't feel safe, even part of the time, then you need to protect yourself - and the children - with long term solutions.


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Posts: 826

« Reply #63 on: June 27, 2013, 09:14:56 AM »

Thanks SO MUCH ForeverDad,

Right now my husband is doing everything in the book to try to control me back. 

I won't do it.  I am a good mother with nothing on my record, no drug or alcohol issues, work full time and support my family.  I am the primary care giver.  My husband is a good father (other than the inconsistencies caused by BPD).  He has every right to access to our son.  While I am taking this timeout at the DV shelter I have let him know that our baby is at daycare all day today.  He responded that he will be picking him up.  I responded thanking him for letting me know and with the daycare provider's phone number.  I also let our daycare lady know that my husband may pick him up today.

I firmly believe that by being calm, loving and collected - but by leaving before things escalate - that I can do the right thing for all of us (my husband, me, and my son).  There is no question that my husband needs help.  I can ask but not force.  I will do what I need to do to protect all of us.

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Posts: 23

« Reply #64 on: July 11, 2013, 08:52:02 PM »

Why did I stay in my verbally/emotionally abusive marriage to BPD?  Still working that one out...  tough stuff.  It took me a very long time to see what was happening as abuse, then a bit longer to be willing to break through the denial and admit it, to use the word "abuse."  Lots of shame.  The hardest part is thinking that a part of me thought I deserved it, or at least didn't deserve better.
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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 71

« Reply #65 on: April 10, 2014, 03:28:06 PM »

To "ritual abuse" I would add a few things such as:

* attempting to use magic/the occult/etc to monitor or control someone else (whether you believe this can literally happen or not, it still constitutes 
* being subjected to torture or forced/pressured to torture others.
* partner purposefully depriving you of food and sleep to prime you for a "lecture" or "interrogation" meant to change the way you think.
* partner subjecting you to lengthy "interrogations" or "lectures" during which you have recently been physically abused or are being physically abused.   
   These go beyond the accusations of cheating that happen in emotional abuse, and involve the person trying to find out literally everything about you and
   your deepest fears so they can exploit you/not letting you leave until they somehow convince you the abuse didn't happen/not letting you leave until
   you believe that you are bad at sex, not worthy, shouldn't have a job, etc.
* using MC/programming cues and triggers from past ritual abuse in childhood against you.
* contacting people who abused you as a child with updates about what you do and do not remember.
* actively trying to control what you do and don't remember.
* being denied medical care for serious injuries ie: if you go to the hospital for hypothermia the doctor might wonder why you're freezing.
* using a survivor of RA's past abuse against him or her, encouraging her to question everyone close to them including supportive people as "cult members."
* if you have DID from childhood abuse, purposefully encouraging you to switch and harming alters/system members.
* subjecting you to strange religious ultimatums ie: "you will never escape this pain without God" or "you need to abandon your religion because it's toxic."
* claiming a supernatural or paranormal connection to you that mandates your relationship ie: God predestined our love/we are predestined/etc.

My ex with BPD actually knew someone from the cult that was involved in my childhood ritual abuse and was actually sent to pose as that perfect romantic partner for me so that I would essentially get re-engaged in the group. It took me a long time to figure out this was happening and it was terrible.
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