BPD BEHAVIORS: Problematic parenting

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question. Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board. You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

[Randi Kreger]

I have a blog at the Psychology Today website
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells.

Recently I published a guest blog by Dr. Margaret Cochran about why BPs have problems being parents. She says:
……………………………………………………………………………………….

Bottom line; the needs are the same for BPD children as for non-disordered children. They both require the following:
1. Patience
2. Emotional consistency
3. Calm, even handed behavioral correction techniques
4. Age appropriate boundaries, limits and expectations
5. Age appropriate verbal and physical support
6. Age appropriate nurturing
7. Age appropriate intellectual stimulation and play
8. And more patience, patience, patience.
Looking at this list and thinking about the characteristics of BPD adults one can clearly see some potential problems.
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She also gives some links to studies. I’d like to do a follow-up with her on more specific suggestions for tips for the non-disordered parent.


See http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201005/challenges-and-solutions-the-bpd-parent

[Vivgood]

Unfortunately, however, there are still some therapists who insist it is a bad idea to tell someone with BPD that they have it. This needs to change so that those with BPD and their families can take advantage of the tremendous amount of psychological information currently available.

Very glad to see THIS! Thanks for posting.

vivgood

[MindfulJavaJoe]

JoannaK

I had a real OMG moment when your post at the top of this thread describes my wifes parenting style in vivid detail.
She does each and every thing on your list.

How do I bring this to the attention of a parental assessor without coming over as being a complete nutcase?

I really want the best for my children but they are not her pets, slaves, minions or comforters.

In addition she alternates from being the perfect mother to not being abkle to cope at all.

Excellent post many thanks

Joe

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question. Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board. You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

[andywho]

BPD was a step parent (which I think further complicated matters)

These were the toughest things...

Overreaction to "normal" kid behavior ...the rages over everything - things as simple as not unloading the dishwasher was met with a rage...a full blown bpd rage...

Constant Criticism - kids who are forced to grow up in this kind of atmostphere are bound to have some major difficulties.

Invasion of Privacy - the need to control had him searching the kids room, reading journals, etc... without any cause

the teen years - As the kids become more independant the bpd tends to become even more controlling/critical of everything they do, don't do, may do...bpd had intricate scenarios all played out in his head as to what the kids were doing...he believed it although it had little or no basis in fact and would react to the kids as if it was fact.

I worry about the long term effects his behavior will have had on my kids...I can only hope my parenting offsets it.

This makes me feel bad as i recognise these behaviours in my GF who is my daughters stepmam. Always "stalking" my daugher on facebook and meddles with stuff my daughter write there and what her friends write and comment.

Always thinking the worst of what my daughter is doing.

Andy

[GreenMango]

BPD was a step parent (which I think further complicated matters)

These were the toughest things...

Overreaction to "normal" kid behavior ...the rages over everything - things as simple as not unloading the dishwasher was met with a rage...a full blown bpd rage...

Constant Criticism - kids who are forced to grow up in this kind of atmostphere are bound to have some major difficulties.

Invasion of Privacy - the need to control had him searching the kids room, reading journals, etc... without any cause

the teen years - As the kids become more independant the bpd tends to become even more controlling/critical of everything they do, don't do, may do...bpd had intricate scenarios all played out in his head as to what the kids were doing...he believed it although it had little or no basis in fact and would react to the kids as if it was fact.

I worry about the long term effects his behavior will have had on my kids...I can only hope my parenting offsets it.

This makes me feel bad as i recognise these behaviours in my GF who is my daughters stepmam. Always "stalking" my daugher on facebook and meddles with stuff my daughter write there and what her friends write and comment.

Always thinking the worst of what my daughter is doing.

Andy

Hi Andywho,

You are welcome to post on the [L4] Raising a child when one parent has BPD board.  You mentioned that it was your partner and for all intents and purposes plays an active role in the parenting.

The parents over on that board are varied from "non" stepparents to divorced parents.  Many of the issues you were concerned about are tackled frequently by members and the feedback can be very helpful.

-GM

[Major_Dad]

JoannaK

I had a real OMG moment when your post at the top of this thread describes my wifes parenting style in vivid detail.
She does each and every thing on your list.

How do I bring this to the attention of a parental assessor without coming over as being a complete nutcase?

I really want the best for my children but they are not her pets, slaves, minions or comforters.

In addition she alternates from being the perfect mother to not being abkle to cope at all.

Excellent post many thanks

Joe

Check with a L, but depending on your local laws you may be able to surreptitiously audio/video record her. My L says this is the best way to expose hidden BPD emotional abuse.

[andywho]

BPD was a step parent (which I think further complicated matters)

These were the toughest things...

Overreaction to "normal" kid behavior ...the rages over everything - things as simple as not unloading the dishwasher was met with a rage...a full blown bpd rage...

Constant Criticism - kids who are forced to grow up in this kind of atmostphere are bound to have some major difficulties.

Invasion of Privacy - the need to control had him searching the kids room, reading journals, etc... without any cause

the teen years - As the kids become more independant the bpd tends to become even more controlling/critical of everything they do, don't do, may do...bpd had intricate scenarios all played out in his head as to what the kids were doing...he believed it although it had little or no basis in fact and would react to the kids as if it was fact.

I worry about the long term effects his behavior will have had on my kids...I can only hope my parenting offsets it.

This makes me feel bad as i recognise these behaviours in my GF who is my daughters stepmam. Always "stalking" my daugher on facebook and meddles with stuff my daughter write there and what her friends write and comment.

Always thinking the worst of what my daughter is doing.

Andy

Hi Andywho,

You are welcome to post on the [L4] Raising a child when one parent has BPD board.  You mentioned that it was your partner and for all intents and purposes plays an active role in the parenting.

The parents over on that board are varied from "non" stepparents to divorced parents.  Many of the issues you were concerned about are tackled frequently by members and the feedback can be very helpful.

-GM

Thank you GM. Have alredy once posted there and asking for people with experience with BPD stepparents. Did get some responses, but only a few. Surprisingly few.

This is one of  the most important issue in my RS as i myself can work with me og getting better and doing my part in the RS. But... if my daughter and me and my RS to my daughter suffer... i dont know if i can stay.

Andy