BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

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[jdtm]

I want to use this opportunity to establish some limits if possible and at the very least not reward his behaviour.

Seriously, I don't think you can do this.  He already has "established the limits" - don't do as I want and I don't speak to you.  The only boundary you have is to "get on with your life".  He will not or cannot "get" that you have feelings and you matter.  It's all about him.  As for how he expects you to react - I doubt very much if he has even considered this or even cares; after all, it's all about him. 

I want to change whatever dynamic between us is reinforcing this behaviour.

As I said, I don't think you can do this.  The dynamic between the two of you is called "borderline personality disorder".  It is what it is.  Without proper therapy, I just don't see any other solution (but maybe someone else "out there" with more experience might be more hopeful).

I really believe BPDs are very emotionally immature and to expect an adult response from a child is irrational.  You're not married to the guy and I'm assuming there are no children (if so, you're lucky).  Sorry to be so negative but that's how I feel ...

[confused and battered]

Ok so question. When does it go from being the silent treatment to - it's all over, done and dusted and they have moved on. Because they will not speak to you how do we know? My exBF? Walked out nearly 5 weeks ago after I had questioned him about what was going on. We had rowed a few times recently and he told me he was not travelling to see me again if we were only going to row (He works away). But would then continue with his upsetting behaviour again the following week. So how do I know it has finished or if he is still doing the silent treatment, he is very practised at this but never for as long before. I know he has been in the area several times but not contacted me, I have text him saying if it is over I want to leave it on better terms, this would help my closure, but nothing. I know that he is in the area this coming weekend and that if he does not contact me I am going to be deeply upset. I would be very grateful for some comments on this to help me feel stronger for the weekend. This silent treatment is the most cruel type of punishment in my opinion, I hope i never have the capacity to make anyone feel like I am feeling now.

Thanks guys

[ForeverDad]

I have text him saying if it is over I want to leave it on better terms, this would help my closure, but nothing. I know that he is in the area this coming weekend and that if he does not contact me I am going to be deeply upset.

Closure - if you do a search on this word you will find many theads discussing it.  The consensus is that we just don't get the sort of closure we crave from them.  Your closure will have to be about YOU.  Not fair, but that's what we face when dealing with people who are more than "not quite normal".

Don't let his actions - or inactions - control you.  That's not healthy nor good.  Let him go, let it go.  As some have written, shift that burden to someone who can handle the things that are too much for us, "Let go and Let God."

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question. Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board. You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

[O'Maria]

I was confused about my ex's behavior when he acted out, yelled, used bad language, gave me nasty comments, and then COMPLETE silence or started talking about some material things like his car or his looks. There was no apology, even after he called me a dumb b___ who can go to hell. He appeared very cold and distant.

I called it Bad Communication but I think it can be classified as Silent Treatment. Looked like it was him way to control me, and I had to walk away, isolate myself to avoid further arguments. I told him "We need to talk" three times, he responded with attacks or silent treatment. He came from an emotionally and physically very abusive family and his dad was a raging alcoholic. 

[doubleAries]

!
Yowza!
My H is not a BPD (but he is a recovering schizophrenic), and this basically describes our entire 16 year marriage!

I know he has self esteem issues over the schizophrenia (his treatment is actually exceptional and works better than "really well"), but he doesn't like to take personal responsibility for that--instead, it's easier to blame it on me. It's my property/home (had it before I met him) so therefore I'm "lording over him", and the "rug could be pulled out from under him at any moment" (though he's lived here almost 18 years now), etc.

But there is NO intimacy in our relationship. Over the years, it has gotten worse and worse--we basically coexist devoid of communication (or sex). He purposefully ignores me, while being pleasant to others, picks up and reads the newspaper when I try to talk to him about anything personal in nature, or simply walks out of the room or house, has empathy for others but not me, is stiff and formal about impersonal conversation, and when I say "clearly you don't want to have a relationship with me--why are you here?" he gets indignant and says "I DO want a relationship--but obviously you don't". He pushes me away in all aspects of his life, but claims he wants a relationship.

It's been beyond difficult, as we own a business together, and everytime we go through the motions of attempting to split up, it's a mess--the business we both love would probably die. I've tried to approach him about just being business partners, but he balks--says if there's no relationship, then he wouldn't want to work with me either. I point out there already is no relationship--why is he here?

We filed for Divorce last December, started going to counseling (seperately) in early March, and decided to call off the divorce at least temporarily until we could give counseling a chance. Then in counseling, I finally learned about BPD (my mom--uBPD predominantly witch, NC with her for 22 years--have come a long, long way, but obviously have a long, long way to go) and frankly, I've been focusing on that for a couple of months. And between whatever he and our counselor talk about and his fear of losing his grip on me (regardless of how nonchalant and aloof he appears towards me), I have seen some tenative changes.

This article explains a LOT--thanks for posting it!

[GreenMango]

Unfortunately the silent treatment isn't a behavior reserved to people with BPD only.  It can be exhibited in a variety of mental illnesses from severe to run of the mill poor coping/communication skills.

The silent treatment, if it isn't a situation where a person needs a break to get their emotions under control and to think, can be very destructive to relationships.  It's punitive and hurtful.

It's a form of ostracism, bullying, and a social injury.  Psychological studies ostracizing can cause cognition deficits and emotional regulation problems.  So basically, when someone gives us the cold shoulder it messes with our thinking and emotions.

[zacc]

I am still confused about this...
During initial period of marriage, we used to have fights over trivial issues and I used to become crazy while explaining my exbpdw that I am not hurting her. After initial fights I became short tempered and started getting annoyed over minor issues. To make her realize my point of view I became silent and she used come to me to say sorry or try to seduce me...was that a silent treatment from me or just a reaction?
But when she used to stop talking to me ...she never showed others that she is really angry because she used to talk to every other person very happily to make me more angry.
Then we had long distance relationship and generally she used to call me after finishing her work. We had huge fight over not giving enough time to me but she never bothered to listened to my feelings by saying that you are very needy. So whenever she did not call me I generally did not try to call her assuming that she does not want to talk me. But, After some days she used to accuse me that I was giving her silent treatment (If she did not call me then I should have called her...her argument)
   After our deciding fight, she again started the silent treatment by not talking to me or giving me monosyllabic answers to show me that she does not care about me and she does not need me. Once I understood her traits (she had other traits also...lying, accusing, projecting etc), I started keeping no contact..but hoping she will understand that she has hurt me...Is no contact is silent treatment?

Who was really giving silent treatment?  I am just getting out of the relationship with my BPD wife (hinted by psychiatrist) , sometimes I feel that I have BPD and not her...so was I giving her silent treatment to hurt her...or is this other way round?

[ForeverDad]

Consider the 'why'... why it is done.  If the silent treatment was done to punish, retaliate, control, hurt, or create continuing chaos to keep the other off balance and sabotage the other's reasonable boundaries, then whoever did that went too far.  On the other hand, sometimes the silent treatment is to withdraw, shut down, not the best coping solution.

Generally it isn't 100% vs 0%, it's somewhere in between.  Likely, yours was more of the withdrawing rather than punishing sort, often the acting-out disordered persons are more the punishing or controlling sort.

[ImTheHusband]

Verbal/Emotional Abuse - Silent Treatment

... but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

There needs to be more than an exchange of information. Healthy relationships require intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.

This so completely defines my wife.

I do not have an emotional relationship with my wife: never tells me what's up, how she's feeling good or bad. I can tell, by looking at her "where she is" but she won't tell me. When she's obviously in a down place, but in a calm way that I can still approach her, she won't tell me what's bothering her.

Any/all fights she retreats, deep somewhere. Complete silence. I don't think I've ever learned what was bothering her. (But I do know what can set it off: she's hot, cold, hungry, ate too much, ate too late, alergies eyes/ears/nose, tired, just woke up...anything.

I've told her we only engage, or relate, on a physical and intellectual level -- not emotional. Zero, nothing ever is what she'll do when she's angry or just shuts down. Even when she's fine, she buries her head in books, reads constantly, in the car, out to dinner, soon as she gets  home -- which I think is a way of her not having to engage or talk or relate.

While there's a lot I can't or shouldn't complain about regarding the physical level...it could be better. She won't talk to me about what she likes, what works, etc. Sorry how this sounds, but I'm not bad in this department. I can't talk to her about it after 25 years together, when it's working or not she won't tell me what's good, what works, what she needs, what I can do, etc. (There are aspects to our physical life that are honestly, quite good for me, but I, perhaps wrongly, attribute it to her feeling bad or trying to make up for something. She knows I get treated badly. I'd give up some of that just to be closer, know what's going on in her head. After 25 years I still have no idea.

And even on the intellectual level, it's on a very superficial level, things we "have" to talk about like the house, or planning a vacation, or what to do with the kids, or... etc. But even those things present dangerous roads to go down. It's only possible if she is willing or interested. If not, she shuts down, to the point of going to her deep place of total silence if not anger before the silence. If she's not in a mental place to be engaged, forget it.

One of the biggest things that bothers me is I don't have anyone to talk to. I often joke to myself I could use a mistress: someone I can spend time with who I can talk to -- I don't have anyone to talk to.

[warhar]

whoa, now I'm confused because I've been using the silent treatment to disengage when my BPD goes off the rails. Shouting at her doesn't help - it only leads to more shouting, reasoning doesn't work because its just too logical, explanations seem like apologies.
As for not sharing ideas, hopes and ambitions - I learned long ago that if I share an ambition, dream or whatever I'm giving her the go-ahead to start a campaign to carefully hinder and dismantle that project - and I've given up on some really good (business) ideas due to being convinced that they would never work (and now see same ideas being successfully implemented at half my capacity).
I always thought that silence was an effective tool for restoring the peace on a win-win basis - now I'm told that its manipulative?

[GreenMango]

I'm noticing a lot of misunderstandings about the Silent Treatment and the difference between a boundary of not communicating when someone is being abusive or taking a time out and the Silent Treatment.

If you are concerned about the difference it may be a good idea to look at your motivations in this instance.

If you value open respectful communication and the boundary to this is that you will take yourself out of a situation where the communication has broken down to the point of conflict or abuse this is a value/boundary not the silent treatment.  Communicating that you are happy to have the conversation when it is respectful of each other and open to revisiting it then is "good communication" and mature interpersonal relationship skills.

My experience was the silent treatment was a passive aggressive, or "covertly aggressive", way to punish another, to communicate dissatisfaction, or to leverage getting your way by not communicating (essentially deprivation) thus thrusting the dynamic into a non-verbal power struggle over of who caves first, or a win-lose.  This is really dysfunctional for any relationship and very immature.  

This isn't to say we as partners or ex-partners have not engaged or stooped to this level in dysfunctional dance to lash out or to express our hurt.  Who would we be if we didn't look at our own behavior too?

[GreenMango]

It sounds like Warhar that you are using silence as a disengaging tool across the board to reduce conflict.  This isn't a judgment, when our partners are heavily triggered and we are regularly in a conflict cycle it can feel like walking on eggshells all the time.  It seems important, from your post, that you've become accustomed to keeping yourself quiet in order to not rock the boat in everyday situations thus silencing yourself unduly.

Learning the tools of SET and validation to communicate can definitely help you to express your needs and when silence (as acute conflict reduction aka taking a time out) is best.

This would be a great topic to explore on the staying board.

Hope you are doing better,
GM

[flatspin]

I had read this article and bookmarked it. A year ago my ex walked out after 2 years of living together on me all the while spewing verbal abuse, and once he was gone, I have only gotten silence. He gave me no real reason before leaving and it was unexpected and sudden. I have even asked for more closure. I am starting to realize he was controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive the entire relationship. It is hard to break free of him mentally because I don't have a logical reason on what happened between us and I really loved him. It's cruel, and holds my heart hostage, and I'm trying so hard to break free of it.

That's the key problem to me. Weeks of silence or rages triggered by trivial reasons...

Why ? What did I do to deserve such a contempt and such reactions ?

Before knowing about BPD, it would hurt me deeply. But even now that I know, it keeps hurting but at least, I know that I must put things into perspectives and wait... patiently... for days... for weeks... for months... hoping to know one day why it all happened.

[bb12]

I have been given the silent treatment now for 9 months - and it still hurts.
I don't care whether they do it like an infant sulks; whether it is a defence mechanism and not a deliberate act...
The bottom line is that this is the single cruellest thing that can ever happen to a person.
It goes beyond devaluation and discard - and instead goes a step further to 'emotional murder', as much of the reading calls it.
I have worked so hard on myself in the past year and completely understand how, on a subconscious level, I invited my exBPD into my life to force me to reassess my choices.
By completely decimating me and hurting me to my very soul, I was forced to look at the partners I have chosen - and how I could fix, rescue, help them all as a means to controlling them.
I get all of that. And I won't do it again
But coping with the silent treatment from someone you loved very deeply, is mutually exclusive of addressing our own FOO issues.
I am largely healed and have moments of Creativity and Personal Freedom...the final stages of our recovery.
But every now and again, I can have a weak day that sends me reeling and my chest aches and I am detached again... a foot back in my head like post tramatic stress disorder.
Nothing can prepare a human being for silent treatment doled out by someone we love. It goes to fundamental survival strageties and stimulates our minds and bodies into a perpetual state of fight or flight. We feel socially isolated, and suffer core damage to iD, ego, and all sense of self.
I am a positive person and have addressed and remedied my own issues to their natural conclusions, but I am not sure I will ever lose this pain. And that makes me very sad
BB12  ?

[melsold]

I never realized until recently that the Silent Treatment is considered verbal abuse.  My mom is giving my daughters and me the silent treatment (which I mean she has not contacted us after stomping off at my daughter's softball game 2 weeks ago).   When this happened before, I would usually contact my mother either by phone or email because I couldn't stand the stone-cold silence.  I am not sure what to expect this time.  I am trying to stay strong and not contact her at all.  But I am concerned because there is a family party in a few weeks.  Not sure what will happen then if we are still not communicating.  This is killing me.  But I am trying to stay strong for me and my kids.  They don't deserve a dysfunctional grandmother who guilts them into loving her.  I am full of so many different emotions right now.  We used to talk everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  Now NOTHING.

[ForeverDad]

This would be a good time to Let Go and step back to regain your perspective.  She's probably trained you well to come running to apologize or fix the problems she's caused.  She will do what she will do, no matter what you do or say.  Recognizing that, let her be herself, you be strong and keep firm boundaries for proper behavior.  As you become accustomed to your new-found strengths, that nervousness, yes that guilt and the need to be the fixer or appeaser will fade into the background.

[the new kid]

I was subjected to the silent treatment the minute i left my ex to go on a brief holiday (booked long before we'd met), happened as soon as i left the country, lasted for 3 days, and when i do finally hear from her upon my return it's to tell me it's over and she doesn't want to see me again, without real reason. BPD and their fear of abandonment in a nutshell?

[Jane111]

My mother can go YEARS even a lifetime with her silent treatment. I have never seen anything like it. If someone ever said something to her she didn't like, that was it! She literally would give them the silent treatment for the REST of their lives. Friends, relatives and then her OWN children. One minute you were in a relationship with her and then the next, you ceased to exist. I've had to watch her relatives try to contact her and then die, one by one from old age. I've had all of my siblings thrown out and now they don't contact me anymore either. It is a trail of destruction... With an incredible amount of pain for anyone involved in the relationships that get cut off.

The best one? She read the diary of her sister in law who was staying with her. She found a comment about her that she didn't like and then THREW this lady out of her home and NEVER spoke to her again.

I miss my family. It got obliterated by a woman who has no sense of the strength of her own insanity. The silent treatment is like a slow form of torture. Every day, the weight of it gets stronger and stronger until you get crushed into nothing... You cease to be in the eyes of someone who is supposed to be looking out for you.

[bb12]

As you become accustomed to your new-found strengths, that nervousness, yes that guilt and the need to be the fixer or appeaser will fade into the background.

Very true.
I had never encountered the silent treatment before, and have been confused because so much of the reading describes Borderlines who come running back when they are out of supply.
Mine never has. 12 months coming up, and it was I who grovelled and rang and begged in the first few months after the silent treatment was administered. I stopped all that in May, but my exBPD has still never communicated in any way. And it does take a level of strength (new found) to tolerate the pain of being 'emotionally murdered'. For me, I still shake my head twice a week (at least) that I went from being the most important person in his life to absolutely nothing. OMG, who does that? But as my fixer tendencies have diminished and my resolve to never appease again strengthens, I see the illness for what it is. And I know on a deep level, not to take it personally. The waste does tend to sit with me though...both the waste of time (2 years of the r/s) and the knowledge that I am a very good friend and could have been a 'constant object' if he'd allowed it. Sad. But his loss.
BB12