Sadism

[Think About It...]

I'm sorry for asking so many questions, I just cannot get over how sick my situation, and everyone else's situations are.  I feel like when I am split to bad my ex derives a sense of satisfaction when he knows he has hurt me.  I don't understand what he gets our of doing that (any insight here would be much appreciated).  Is this a "normal" feature of this disease?

[crazylady]

I'm sorry for asking so many questions, I just cannot get over how sick my situation, and everyone else's situations are.  I feel like when I am split to bad my ex derives a sense of satisfaction when he knows he has hurt me.  I don't understand what he gets our of doing that (any insight here would be much appreciated).  Is this a "normal" feature of this disease?

[Chili]

My uBPDh is a self proclaimed sadist. He enjoyed BDSM aspects to our sex life. But he also got great enjoyment out of hurting me emotionally. One of the main things he liked to do was criticize my mothering/parenting. It brought him great satisfaction to make me second guess my decisions about my children. Fortunately, that didn't last too long. My friends and my children reminded me that I had raised three intelligent, well behaved, and mentally healthy children. So I started ignoring his comments about my parenting. Then he started in on other things. He wanted to make me cry and was only completely satisfied when the tears fell.

Chili

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nonyberg]

Crazylady, I swear we dated the same person. Mine loved to hurt me emotionally. My tears were like fuel for him. If I cried he got meaner and meaner. And then he would claim I was just faking it to manipulate him. He loved my pain. He he would wait to criticize me until a later date. But he would make sure I was happy and doing well and secure in our relationship and the he would spew his poison. that was the only way I could describe it. And like I said I would cry and be hurt and he would love it! control! I would be a basketcase, no good to my daughter no good to me no good to myfamily and friends, and then the best, I would aplogize for what happened.? This is why I thought I was going crazy.

[macman]

My wife did / does the same thing.  I would be in tears and she would pour it on even more.  I get very upset when she does the same thing to my kids.  A couple of times I almost smacked her; she got such an almost smug / evil look on her face when she had them crying.

She loves the kids, and would do anything for them.  When she is in the BPD zone though, its all about her emotional fullfillment.

[kalsud]

Hi,
My uBpdh is a usadist.
He starts the blame game ,makes me cry and cry and make me emotionally weak, then he would feel gr8,then he would try to make, and would **** and next instant go to sleep.And I would be awakw whole night. This had been going on for 6 yrs every two-three months. Then i talked to my T and she told me to break cycle so i have stopped being weak in front of him..so now he claims that he wont get a erection...but without showdown also he has performed well(half heartedly) S
Kalsud

[moving_forward]

I'm not entirely sure that I agree that they enjoy hurting us.

I think it's more that they can't stop themselves. In a round about way, it sort of validates their feelings. When they feel guilty they hurt. So if we are hurting we, in their disordered minds, must be feeling guilty about something.

That's how I understand it.

It is tempting to almost view it as a hobby to them. They are so wonderfully adept at it. But I don't think it's entirely accurate to say they enjoy it.

[bpdlover]

Yes it is a feature of these relationships, however as we all know, the perceptions are skewed. I'm not certain that they enjoy hurting us. Probably depends on what tapes they replay from the past. Love = longing or whatever. They are hurt and afraid and they ride that train from station to station trying to avoid the very thing they create. My ex broke up with me and was in bed with another guy in a matter of days. Do I think she enjoyed me calling her that morning, heart pounding, questioning her morals? In some way, yes. It gave her a hit of power and attention. Did this situation develop because she had a master plan? I don't believe so. She did however invent the conflict as an excuse to road test another object. Boundaries are just not present. From our point of view, it is sadistic to stay, yes.

[wrangler1217]

I think they believe instinctively, their survival depends on their impact on other people's lives.  I used to think my exBPDgf derived some sort of satisfaction from hurting me, but I don't think its the case.

They live through other people many times because they have such a lack of identity - which is where they place their value/self-worth.  If they feel that their worth is threatened in any way...they "validate" it by trying to see what impact they have on people close to them...and usually (and unfortunately), its in the form of emotional pain.  I try to see it more of a survival instinct, and not really of bad intentions.

[bpdlover]

Well put.

[Rise]

I can't say I can ever recall one time my ex taking any sort of glee in causing me pain. I don't think it means others don't though. I think we forget that just because a person has BPD doesn't mean they don't have their own unique personality. No two people are the same, even if they have the same illness.

I think some people are just jerks. I also think that some jerks have BPD. I think when this happens you end up with a real peach of a  person, whom not only is emotionally unstable, but likes to hurt others as well.