New here - Here's my story..

[Think About It....]

Hello - I'm new here and desperately looking for a place to vent and seek advice as I feel that I am in way over my head!  Here's my story, it's a long one sorry! I am the step-mom to a 12 year old whose mother has recently been diagnosed as having BPD.  I have been in her life for 8 years and have been watching this for all of these years.  I met my husband when he was 1 year into his divorce.  He had gotten her pregnant a few years earlier and eventually married her when his daughter was 2.  Their marriage lasted less than 2 years.  They were having problems and moved to another state to start fresh.  Within a few months his ex was doing drugs and having an affair.  My DH realized that this was going on and encouraged her to go to CA (cocaine anonymous), she agreed or so he thought.  It ended when she just didn't come home one weekend - he got a call that DD was at daycare and he needed to come get her - he was in school at the time - his ex just didn't pick up their daughter from daycare.  His ex was unreachable all weekend, he filed a missing person's report, changed the locks, and contacted an attorney the following monday to file.  She of course called him on Monday and acted like nothing was wrong.  He informed her that she didn't live there anymore and that if she wanted to see DD that she would need to attend a rehab.  She did, the divorce began. 

She finished a 2 week re-hab, he filed for custody, she didn't fight it - she moved in with the guy she was having the affair with.  DH then discovered that the mortgage, car payment, utilities, etc had not been paid in 3 months.  Apparently it all went up her nose.  And so the battle began.  The divorce raged on for 2 years, and consisted of accusations, threats, and just general misery.  When I met and fell in love with DH I told him that it was his ordeal and I was staying out of it.  Due to his financial situation, I moved in and helped him pay his mortgage after we'd been together for 6 months, you can imagine how that went over with his ex.  His ex accused DD's day care provider of sexual abuse and me of neglect.  She filed papers stating that DD was not allowed to bathe or eat after I moved in to the home.  The judge dismissed the claims, they were ridiculous and everyone knew it. 

By the time the divorce was finalized, DH's legal fees topped $27K because of all of the allegations and ridiculous claims.  But, he did finally get the divorce.  His ex was allowed 40% of the parenting time, and he was in charge of parental decisions.  At the time, I just really had chalked the whole thing up to the fact that she was clearly bitter, and extremely mean.  I had no idea just how bad it could get.  Over time, there were times where things were calm for months and everyone was doing well, but the bad times were just miserable.  I'll give you an example - DD was 5 years old and her mom called to tell her that she was pregnant and that the baby had died, she was having surgery (it was apparently a tubal pregnancy) and that sometimes "mommies don't wake up when they have surgery".  DD was hysterical thinking that her mom was going to die - can I just say again - DD WAS 5!  A five year old doesn't need to know anything about it!

Over the years things became pretty stable.  There were parenting time disputes and she refused to pay child support which resulted in her eventually going to jail for 30 days.  But other than that it was not too bad.  The schedule sucked though because the judge didn't want his ex to have her on the weekdays, as she was unpredictable about getting her to school on time.  Because of that DD spent mostly weekdays with DH and weekends with her mom - and DH works full time.  He wanted more weekend time.  He started taking DD to counseling to help her to deal with all that had happened and to discuss the parenting time agreement to get some recommendations about the schedule.  That counselor basically told DH that the 50/50 schedule with DD being with him one week and her mom the next, would be the best schedule for DD.  DD wanted this schedule too so DH agreed.  She was 10 years old at the time.  Things continued to go pretty smoothly.

About 6 months into the new schedule DH got a call from his ex stating that she had a family emergency (DD was with her) and asked him to pick DD up from school so that she could go out of state.  He agreed.  About 2 hours later the school called me asking where DD was.  She was never taken to school that day.  DH called and called but got no answer from ex.  He had the sheriff do a well check on DD and was told that his ex had been arrested that morning for domestic violence and was in jail.  The sheriff went to her house and found DD with her "step dad".  Let's talk about "step-dad" (they aren't married, just common-law) for a minute - he was the one who ex had the affair with, about 6 months into their relationship there was a domestic violence issue that resulted in the ex and the "step-dad" being arrested.  DH had to pick up DD at 4 am because they were being hauled off to jail - so we knew that there was some history of this, but it had been years since this happened and we thought it was a one time event. 

DH called his attorney, and was told to document it and see if it progressed.  Things got quiet again for a while.  About 18 months later, DD came to me and told me that her mom and step dad were fighting all of the time and that he drinks alot.  She told me that she didn't feel safe (she was 11 by now).  I told her to talk to DH about it, and he called the attorney who said that without specifics we couldn't do much about it.  So, we got her a cell phone and told her to call us whenever anything happened.  It occured to us then that things were bad over there and that she had been told for years not to talk to her dad about it.  DH went to the police station and had them run a report about any issues with his ex and her boyfriend.  The following week DD came home and said that her step-dad had been arrested for hitting her mom and that she didn't want to go back there.  DH got a copy of the report, and by then the police department had finished pulling their reports.  There were 8 reported domestic violence issues reported in their home over the course of 6 years.  WE HAD NO IDEA!  DH's attorney filed an emergency motion to restict her parenting time.

They went to court 4 weeks later and the judge actually said that there wasn't enough evidence to restrict her parenting time and returned DD to the 50/50 schedule.  WHAT THE HELL!  The kid was terrified.  The judge did agree that there was reason to be concerned and assigned a guardian ad litum and scheduled a court date for 3 months later.  There was a restraining order against the step dad, and the judge insisted that it be followed by ex.  Yah right!  That night when DD went to her mom's - the first thing her mom did was take her to visit step dad at the hotel that he was supposedly staying at.  DD had to face the man that she was terrified of within 15 minutes of returning.  Nice huh?

Things calmed down and eventually DD fell back into her routine.  The guardian ad litum did his investigation and was impressed that step dad was staying clean - court ordered UA's were all clean.  But, he was very concerned about the ex's status - she showed signs of blaming everyone else for her problems, and took no responsibility.  She claimed to be bi-polar.  She gave him permission to contact her counselor who told him that she knew nothing about the domestic violence issues, and that she believed ex to be a Borderline, not bi-polar.  They went back to court and the schedule was altered to an 80/20 schedule.  DD only saw her mom every other weekend.  And another hearing was scheduled pending the step-dad's jury trial - it was his 3rd offense and he was on probation.  They didn't want to make a permanent schedule until that was over.  The jury trial date came and the DA dropped all charges.  DD's mom was refusing to testify and with no victim, there is no case.

Things had calmed down and DD started saying that she wanted to go back to the 50/50 schedule and asked her dad to drop it all.  DH told her that he was continuing down the path of changing the schedule permanently, DD was furious with him.  I think that DD is in a role of parenting her mother and she worries about her all of the time, so she wants to be there.  Well, here we are a few weeks later and another domestic has occured.  Step dad is back in jail for getting drunk pulling out a gun and threatening to kill DD's mom.  DD witnessed the whole thing and was actually interviewed by the police. 

So, now the ex is saying that she is the victim in all of this and is alluding to the fact that she needs us to give her money so that she can leave step dad.  No way!  Step dad got bailed out of jail, and I'm pretty sure that they are back together.  So, the court battle will rage on - of course, I'm pretty sure that she has sealed her fate with the courts.  There is no way in hell that she will ever get joint custody and for the foreseeable future will not get overnight visits. 

So, this is my life.  I used to think that she was just mean, now I realize that she is crazy, and it looks like there is no end in sight.  Any advice, support, really anything is appreciated.  No one in my real life has ever dealt with this, and there comes a point where you just start to feel like you are losing your mind.  This woman has no accountability, nothing is ever her fault, she is destroying her daughter, and half the time acts like none of this has ever happened.  It's a crazy deal!   

[goofygirl]

Hello - I'm new here and desperately looking for a place to vent and seek advice as I feel that I am in way over my head!  Here's my story, it's a long one sorry! I am the step-mom to a 12 year old whose mother has recently been diagnosed as having BPD.  I have been in her life for 8 years and have been watching this for all of these years.  I met my husband when he was 1 year into his divorce.  He had gotten her pregnant a few years earlier and eventually married her when his daughter was 2.  Their marriage lasted less than 2 years.  They were having problems and moved to another state to start fresh.  Within a few months his ex was doing drugs and having an affair.  My DH realized that this was going on and encouraged her to go to CA (cocaine anonymous), she agreed or so he thought.  It ended when she just didn't come home one weekend - he got a call that DD was at daycare and he needed to come get her - he was in school at the time - his ex just didn't pick up their daughter from daycare.  His ex was unreachable all weekend, he filed a missing person's report, changed the locks, and contacted an attorney the following monday to file.  She of course called him on Monday and acted like nothing was wrong.  He informed her that she didn't live there anymore and that if she wanted to see DD that she would need to attend a rehab.  She did, the divorce began. 

She finished a 2 week re-hab, he filed for custody, she didn't fight it - she moved in with the guy she was having the affair with.  DH then discovered that the mortgage, car payment, utilities, etc had not been paid in 3 months.  Apparently it all went up her nose.  And so the battle began.  The divorce raged on for 2 years, and consisted of accusations, threats, and just general misery.  When I met and fell in love with DH I told him that it was his ordeal and I was staying out of it.  Due to his financial situation, I moved in and helped him pay his mortgage after we'd been together for 6 months, you can imagine how that went over with his ex.  His ex accused DD's day care provider of sexual abuse and me of neglect.  She filed papers stating that DD was not allowed to bathe or eat after I moved in to the home.  The judge dismissed the claims, they were ridiculous and everyone knew it. 

By the time the divorce was finalized, DH's legal fees topped $27K because of all of the allegations and ridiculous claims.  But, he did finally get the divorce.  His ex was allowed 40% of the parenting time, and he was in charge of parental decisions.  At the time, I just really had chalked the whole thing up to the fact that she was clearly bitter, and extremely mean.  I had no idea just how bad it could get.  Over time, there were times where things were calm for months and everyone was doing well, but the bad times were just miserable.  I'll give you an example - DD was 5 years old and her mom called to tell her that she was pregnant and that the baby had died, she was having surgery (it was apparently a tubal pregnancy) and that sometimes "mommies don't wake up when they have surgery".  DD was hysterical thinking that her mom was going to die - can I just say again - DD WAS 5!  A five year old doesn't need to know anything about it!

Over the years things became pretty stable.  There were parenting time disputes and she refused to pay child support which resulted in her eventually going to jail for 30 days.  But other than that it was not too bad.  The schedule sucked though because the judge didn't want his ex to have her on the weekdays, as she was unpredictable about getting her to school on time.  Because of that DD spent mostly weekdays with DH and weekends with her mom - and DH works full time.  He wanted more weekend time.  He started taking DD to counseling to help her to deal with all that had happened and to discuss the parenting time agreement to get some recommendations about the schedule.  That counselor basically told DH that the 50/50 schedule with DD being with him one week and her mom the next, would be the best schedule for DD.  DD wanted this schedule too so DH agreed.  She was 10 years old at the time.  Things continued to go pretty smoothly.

About 6 months into the new schedule DH got a call from his ex stating that she had a family emergency (DD was with her) and asked him to pick DD up from school so that she could go out of state.  He agreed.  About 2 hours later the school called me asking where DD was.  She was never taken to school that day.  DH called and called but got no answer from ex.  He had the sheriff do a well check on DD and was told that his ex had been arrested that morning for domestic violence and was in jail.  The sheriff went to her house and found DD with her "step dad".  Let's talk about "step-dad" (they aren't married, just common-law) for a minute - he was the one who ex had the affair with, about 6 months into their relationship there was a domestic violence issue that resulted in the ex and the "step-dad" being arrested.  DH had to pick up DD at 4 am because they were being hauled off to jail - so we knew that there was some history of this, but it had been years since this happened and we thought it was a one time event. 

DH called his attorney, and was told to document it and see if it progressed.  Things got quiet again for a while.  About 18 months later, DD came to me and told me that her mom and step dad were fighting all of the time and that he drinks alot.  She told me that she didn't feel safe (she was 11 by now).  I told her to talk to DH about it, and he called the attorney who said that without specifics we couldn't do much about it.  So, we got her a cell phone and told her to call us whenever anything happened.  It occured to us then that things were bad over there and that she had been told for years not to talk to her dad about it.  DH went to the police station and had them run a report about any issues with his ex and her boyfriend.  The following week DD came home and said that her step-dad had been arrested for hitting her mom and that she didn't want to go back there.  DH got a copy of the report, and by then the police department had finished pulling their reports.  There were 8 reported domestic violence issues reported in their home over the course of 6 years.  WE HAD NO IDEA!  DH's attorney filed an emergency motion to restict her parenting time.

They went to court 4 weeks later and the judge actually said that there wasn't enough evidence to restrict her parenting time and returned DD to the 50/50 schedule.  WHAT THE HELL!  The kid was terrified.  The judge did agree that there was reason to be concerned and assigned a guardian ad litum and scheduled a court date for 3 months later.  There was a restraining order against the step dad, and the judge insisted that it be followed by ex.  Yah right!  That night when DD went to her mom's - the first thing her mom did was take her to visit step dad at the hotel that he was supposedly staying at.  DD had to face the man that she was terrified of within 15 minutes of returning.  Nice huh?

Things calmed down and eventually DD fell back into her routine.  The guardian ad litum did his investigation and was impressed that step dad was staying clean - court ordered UA's were all clean.  But, he was very concerned about the ex's status - she showed signs of blaming everyone else for her problems, and took no responsibility.  She claimed to be bi-polar.  She gave him permission to contact her counselor who told him that she knew nothing about the domestic violence issues, and that she believed ex to be a Borderline, not bi-polar.  They went back to court and the schedule was altered to an 80/20 schedule.  DD only saw her mom every other weekend.  And another hearing was scheduled pending the step-dad's jury trial - it was his 3rd offense and he was on probation.  They didn't want to make a permanent schedule until that was over.  The jury trial date came and the DA dropped all charges.  DD's mom was refusing to testify and with no victim, there is no case.

Things had calmed down and DD started saying that she wanted to go back to the 50/50 schedule and asked her dad to drop it all.  DH told her that he was continuing down the path of changing the schedule permanently, DD was furious with him.  I think that DD is in a role of parenting her mother and she worries about her all of the time, so she wants to be there.  Well, here we are a few weeks later and another domestic has occured.  Step dad is back in jail for getting drunk pulling out a gun and threatening to kill DD's mom.  DD witnessed the whole thing and was actually interviewed by the police. 

So, now the ex is saying that she is the victim in all of this and is alluding to the fact that she needs us to give her money so that she can leave step dad.  No way!  Step dad got bailed out of jail, and I'm pretty sure that they are back together.  So, the court battle will rage on - of course, I'm pretty sure that she has sealed her fate with the courts.  There is no way in hell that she will ever get joint custody and for the foreseeable future will not get overnight visits. 

So, this is my life.  I used to think that she was just mean, now I realize that she is crazy, and it looks like there is no end in sight.  Any advice, support, really anything is appreciated.  No one in my real life has ever dealt with this, and there comes a point where you just start to feel like you are losing your mind.  This woman has no accountability, nothing is ever her fault, she is destroying her daughter, and half the time acts like none of this has ever happened.  It's a crazy deal!   

[ForeverDad]

Wow, you would not believe how many people here report that their divorces took 2 years!  While I was separated for a few months before I filed, from my filing date to my divorce decree was only 2 weeks shy of 2 years!  My lawyer had at first told me divorces with children usually took only 7-9 months.  I remember telling him, Oh no it won't!  And it didn't.

There is so much in your story, I can only comment on a few parts.  First I want to commend both you and your husband for the fine job you've done with parenting.  Stand firm for what you believe is right.  Yes, DD is undoubtedly trying to help her mother, no one can blame her for that, but yes she should not have to be her mother's caregiver.  And especially not if her mother keeps choosing to go back to live with Mr. Gutter Trash.

Does DD have a good therapist?  She needs one if she's lived so much of her childhood with a seriously disordered mother.

Advise?  Keep reading, asking, sharing and learning.  As you get more educated and find out what others have done and what works and what doesn't, then you'll be able to make more confident decisions.

[goofygirl]

Thanks for the response.  She does have a therapist.  My DH had her start seeing him when he found out about the domestic violence.  He's awesome with her.  One of the hardest parts about all of this is watching her go through this.  Sometimes I find myself praying for the day that DD turns 18 and we no longer have deal with her mom and the custody nightmares, but then I realize that DD will be dealing with her mom for the rest of her life and that breaks my heart!  I just think that all we can do is to try to provide stability and guidance and hopefully through that she will learn to be strong enough to deal with it.  This is truly one of the most heartbreaking thing I've seen a child go through. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[salt]

 

You are in the right place.  I read your entire story and find myself once again highly aggravated at the "system" and how much dysfunction and damage they permit to occur before they ever take action, IF they ever take action.  Your DD's life with her mother sounds like a bad made-for-TV movie.  Like so many other BPDs. 

You describe the borderline's ability to act "as if" nothing happened.  That is one of the most creepy things about BPD, in my experience.  A friend of mine called it "etch-a-sketch" brain -- it's as if they just shake their little heads and are able to "erase" memories of previous behaviors and incidents.  I've also heard it called BPD amnesia.  Sometimes mocking the behaviors and getting a laugh out of it is the only thing we can do to stop ourselves from being made crazy by them. 

I'm glad your DD has a father and stepmother who care enough about her to protect her as much as possible from her mother.  yes, she will always be her mother, but your DD can (and with the proper support and education) WILL eventually be able to cope better and not feel responsible for her mother.   

[ForeverDad]

I have a friend who married a Hispanic woman like I did.  We each have one son.  He got temporary custody during his 2.5 year divorce, but lost it to his ex at the end of his divorce and now has EOW, every other weekend.  I didn't get temporary custody during my divorce but at the end of my divorce I got 50%.  I mention this because of your statement "I used to think that she was just mean, now I realize that she is crazy".  While our cases were both ongoing he told me more than once, "FD, your wife is crazy, but mine is just plain mean!" 

[mrbluesky]

Welcome Goofygirl.  That is quite a post and right down our alley here.  All of us live similar horrors.  Stay here and we'll help as best we can.  The other folks here don't know how much they've pulled me thru.

Foreverdad, I got the best of both worlds crazy and mean!