COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

[Skip]

COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

Validation of feelings is vital to connecting with others. The mutual validation of feelings is important in all phases of relationship; including building, maintaining, repairing, and improving them.

So what happens when this dynamic breaks down.  One partner has very high validation needs, or one partner is invalidating, or both partners have high validation needs, or both are invalidating?

Often, unidentified or unrecognized and unvalidated feelings are at the heart of relationship issues and problems. Understanding the fate of unvalidated feeling/experience is eye opening and can be an significant motivator to investing in validation.  

The fact is that problems in relationships are often a result of what individuals do with unvalidated feelings.

• Dissociation - they can keep them out-of-awareness, a part of not-me, hidden.

• Projection - another option is to get rid of them, discard them, put them into someone else, project them.  

Unfortunately hiding (dissociating) or getting rid of (projecting) feelings is never the last of it. Unvalidated feelings have a way of coming back to haunt the relationship over a over.   This is not an issue unique to BPD - this happens in all types of relationship - and we often do it, too.

So what should I do?  

The simple answer is become more empathetic and more validating - and recognize that this is not a simple "you look nice today" understanding.  Even though we know that listening carefully is important in relationships - it can be very difficult to recognize when we aren't succeeding at it. We are often more aware of not being listened to (heard) than of our own shortfalls of empathy and of not listening to our partner.  We may be reacting and resentful ourselves to a lack of being validated.  Self-awareness is key.

People with BPD have high validation needs - often very high.  People with BPD are also very erratic in their validation of others - they can be extremely validating (over validating) and flip over and become very invalidating -  sometimes resentful of the validation that is being sought or that they previously expressed.  And pwBPD can get extreme in the use of dissociation and projection.

We often have our own "above average" validation needs.  Let's face it, we were attracted to the uber-validation that was showered on us early in the relationship - it was a significant part of the attraction.   As a result, we often have our own struggles when we don't get what we feel we need and we then process it in unhealthy ways too.  It's human nature all around.

In a "BPD relationship" there are going to be validation issues.  As the healthier partner, it falls to us to try to achieve some level of working validation in the relationship - to lead.

• That often means that we need to be very conscious of the pwBPD high validation needs and try to provide for them in a healthy and constructive way

• It also often means that we have reacted in unhealthy ways to feeling invalidated by the pwBPD. We need to fix ourself (the pwBPD isn't going to fix us) and we need to disengage a bit from the push/pull validation habits common to pwBPD

This workshop is about the power of validation!

Thanks for participating!

[united for now]

I'll start!  Validating is a full time responsibility.  We all tend to validate in positive situations - but we can get very lax in neutral situations and downright defiant in negative situations.  It is often the lack of validation in neutral situations and negative that drives extreme relationship dysfunction as Skip points out.  

Before we go too far, we want to be careful not to oversell this tool.  Validation will not cure BPD (obviously).  It will help you create an environment where the BPD related struggles can be reduced.  A person with this disorder will have interpersonal struggles from time to time, no matter how well we do.

Anyway, back to my point, when this happens, we are confronted with things like this to validate:

#1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."

#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your pwBPD is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"

#4  "I'm the only one who does anything around here. Everyone else treats me like a maid. No one offers to help me without me having to yell and scream at them. Why won't people help me?"

#5  "You were really talking a lot to that other guy at the party tonight. I noticed how you were looking at him. Do you guys spend a lot of time together behind my back? I bet you and he are sleeping together, aren't you? I can tell by the way you spoke with each other, that there is more than just a "friendship" between you two."

#6  "Didn't I ask you to not do that anymore? I know that I did. We spoke of that last week, and I specifically told you not to do that to me anymore, but I guess you just don't listen, cause you went and did it again. I hate when you do that, don't listen. I feel like I'm just wasting my time here, since you never listen or do as I ask you to."

What Can We Do

The basic are - use words that focus on:

• emotions
• wants and desires
• beliefs and opinions
• actions
• suffering

Letting your partner clearly know that:

• you understand them.
• you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.
• it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.
• you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).
• there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.
• they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

[HanginIn]

Good thread. Interesting examples.

But first, can you explain why this isn't rewarding the BP for her behavior of dumping and blaming it all on us?

Wouldn't this encourage similar outbursts in the future?

I always wonder about that.

[united for now]

The reality is that we deal with our friends and loved ones issues all the time anyways, and since the thing most people are searching for is acceptance (healthy or mentally ill), then by offering them understanding, over time you will be lowering their defenses.

It is an integral part of human nature to find others who can accept and understand us. We need it for survival, to work together. A person who is BPD has been invalidated (even if it is just in their minds) their whole lives, so they are very defensive and easily triggered. Offering them the concept that you aren't fighting and arguing with them anymore - that you support them - that you believe them - can be a very healing and loving thing.

You can work against them, by trying to prove your point (most of us have tried that and we can easily say - it doesn't work) Or, you can work with them and see what happens.

Will it increase their dumping or reduce it?

The experts say it will reduce it. I'm willing to give it a try.

[Home at last]

Wow, that was harder than I thought it would be.  I did have a cheat-sht: http://bpd.about.com/od/forfriendsandfamily/a/SET.htm   

I also must say that it feels a bit phony to say these things here - and maybe that's ok - because in practice I was always so caught off guard that I pretty much clammed up or tried to 'reason' with her without first validating her feelings. 

My sense is that this 3-step process takes some time and practice, but once it becomes second nature, it should help a lot (right?).  Let me know how I did. 

My attempts...

#1  "you're always working. Why are you always working? Don't you realize that I need help around here too? If you were home more often you would see that I have a hard time handling things here by myself."

My response: "I love you, hon, and want you to be happy.  I can see that my working so much is leaving too much work around here in your hands and it is getting overwhelming.  If we are going to afford this house and our other expenses, I need to put in these hours right now."


#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your BP is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

Me: "I hear you, darling.  I'm pretty shaken up too and would be even more so if I were driving when he did that.  Let's just get home and be glad not every driver on the road is as reckless as he is."


#3  "That kid is so lazy. Look at her room!  Stuff is just tossed everywhere. Why can't she learn to pick up her stuff? Why is it so hard for her to do the right thing?"

Me: "I see that your not too happy with her.  This place is a mess and it doesn't really need to be, and I would be frustrated too.  Let's talk to her after school to see if she is doing okay and if she can't keep things a bit tidier around here."


#4  "I'm the only one who does anything around here. Everyone else treats me like a maid. No one offers to help me without me having to yell and scream at them. Why won't people help me?"

Me: "I love you and want you to be happy (no points for creativity here).  You do work a whole lot around here, and I can see where it gets tiring.  We can all try to pitch in on Saturdays if that would ease your load during the week."


#5  "You were really talking a lot to that other guy/girl at the party tonight. I noticed how you were looking at him/her. Do you guys spend a lot of time together behind my back? I bet you and s/he are sleeping together, aren't you? I can tell by the way you spoke with each other, that there is more than just a "friendship" between you two."

Me: "I love you and cherish you as the one woman in my life, darling.  You seem worried about losing me to this other woman.   The fact is that I knew her through work a couple years ago and she is friends with some of my buddies and we haven't seen each other all this time.  If you'd like I can introduce her to you.  Trust me, she is not a threat."


#6  "Didn't I ask you to not do that anymore? I know that I did. We spoke of that last week, and I specifically told you not to do that to me anymore, but I guess you just don't listen, cause you went and did it again. I hate when you do that, don't listen. I feel like I'm just wasting my time here, since you never listen or do as I ask you to."

Me: "I want to see you happy.  I can see that I've done something to upset you; I have forgotten our conversation from last week and I know how frustrating that can be.  Tell me again what you don't want me to do and I will make a clear effort not to do it again."

[united for now]

Just remember, our goal isn't to defend a value /boundary or convey our own intentions, it is simply to relate to and calm the pwBPD down. Validation is to soothe and form a connection of trust and respect between the two of you.

Save "SET" and "Truth" for a later moment when you see that your validation and empathy are having an effect.

Yes, it does seem awkward and stiff putting it down here in words, but when you speak them out loud and use the correct inflection in your voice and some direct eye contact it can really come across as being sincere - which it should be anyways.

Practice makes perfect.

[HanginIn]

I don't know if this will work. But it's worth a try. If I understand you correctly, the idea is to validate her feelings at the time in the hope of lowering her defenses and building trust long term. Not necessarily to respond immediately with a solution to the problem. Right?

#2  "That driver just cut me off! What an idiot! Some people shouldn't have drivers licenses! Let's see how he likes it when I do it to him!" Your BP is very angry and becoming an aggressive driver, scaring you.

Ok, this is easy. No reason to get defensive. This is not attacking me.

"Wow. There are a lot of crazy drivers out there. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Just stay out of his way, honey."


#4  "I'm the only one who does anything around here. Everyone else treats me like a maid. No one offers to help me without me having to yell and scream at them. Why won't people help me?"

Now this is directed at me. Actually she is very bad at delegating. I offer many times "How can I help?" and her response usually is "I don't know. You figure it out." When I or the kids do help she usually ends up criticizing how it was done "Don't you know the milk always goes here? Why do you always put things in the wrong place?"  

This is a tough one.  I'll try ...

I can see that you work really hard at keeping everything organized at home and I appreciate it. You really do a great job (which she does!). I hate to see you frustated. I wish there is something more I can do to help. Is there something specific you can give me to do?

[united for now]

As Skip pointed out,  we all need validation. People with BPD just need more validation than others. Validation is not an easy concept to master, as it goes beyond saying “I understand”.  In truth very few of us really “understand” what another person is feeling. When it comes to the extreme emotional reactions of a person with BPD, saying “I understand” when we truly don’t is invalidating.  

According to Shari Y. Manning, PhD (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder), validation needs to occurs on several levels.  From her book, Six levels of validation...

One of the most basic human needs after food and shelter is the need to feel like you belong and to feel understood.

Validation is a key concept that has the power to really transform and improve relationships.  It does this by adding in a few missing ingredients - acceptance, understanding, and empathy. When a relationship is dysfunctional, typically there is a lack of validation (understanding) going on and lots of invalidation (misunderstanding) happening. These misunderstanding make it difficult, if not impossible for communication to happen. It is pretty easy to validate someone who is not upset. Validating a person who is emotionally upset (dysregulated) is a skill.

To help with visualizing how to properly use validation, Marsha Linehan, PhD (the developer of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) has broken validation into levels.

 Level 1 - Stay Awake
At its most basic, all you really have to do is listen and nod.
Staying awake requires you to pay attention and ask objective, probing questions - basically that you demonstrate that you're paying attention to the person who is talking. Lean forward, nod your head, ask questions, and show you are paying attention.

** warning ** It's critical not to be judgmental about what the person is saying to you. Judgements are forms of criticism, that you view something as "wrong" or "bad". A pwBPD can often see the changes in our faces when we have judgmental thoughts. To avoid judgements you need to pay complete attention to what they are saying. It's called being mindful. Pay attention to facts to help prevent you from forming an opinion or evaluating (judging).

Level 2 - Accurate Reflection
Accurate reflection requires you to communicate that you've heard the person accurately. This can be done by repeating what the person said, though it can be better to paraphrase so you don't sound like a parrot. This communicates to the person that what he is experiencing is universal enough for you "to get it", a critical part since most pwBPD feel so misunderstood by others. It shows that you are listening to what they are saying.

Level 3 - Stating the Unarticulated
This is a form of mind reading. It requires you to create a hypothesis about what you believe the person is "not" telling you. The emotions driving a persons words or actions.  The hidden message.
You do this by asking a question, essentially guessing if "blank" is accurate.

ex: This works especially when the person is dysregulated and not expressing themselves clearly. You have to be willing to be wrong though, which shows that you haven't quite got it yet, so then ask more questions to reach understanding.

Level 4 - Validating in Terms of Personal History or Biology
We are what's happened in our lives. On some level, based on our history, our actions make sense. If you ever lived through a tornado, you would have a higher response to the warning sirens than others, based on your history. Letting a person know that their behavior makes sense based on their past experiences shows understanding.

Our physical problems also impact (thus explain) how we behave. A person who has a bad back has difficulty sitting for long periods of time. Making reference to their limitations shows understanding and empathy.

Level 5 - Normalizing
One of the most important levels is to communicate that others (those without BPD) would have the same response. People with BPD have the ongoing experience of being different - outsiders in their own worlds. When you normalize  what they are feeling you find a way to communicate that what is going on for the pwBPD is the experience of being human, that anyone in the same situation would feel the same way. This is powerful. Some key phrases that can be used are:

"We all have moments when we feel that way"
"Of course you think that: anyone would in your situation"
"I would feel that way too"
"You know that is such a normal reaction"
"It makes sense that you did that. We all have those moments"

Of course, there are some things you can't normalize, such as suicidal behavior. Don't normalize behavior that is not normal - that's validating the invalid.

Level 6 - Radical Genuineness
The key to all validation is to be genuine. To be radically genuine is to ensure that you don't "fragilize", condescend, or talk down to the person you are trying to validate. You don't want to treat them any differently than you would anyone else in a similar situation. They aren't fragile, and to treat them as such can be seen as condescending.

[HanginIn]

You know, I am always a solutions oriented kind of guy. When I hear her complaints what I hear is a demand for a solution.

I understand from what you're saying to change my thinking and therefore my response.

Validating is much more important than solving. Is that right? I'm trying to learn.

You are really giving me food for thought. Thanks.

[Jnah2004]

I have done the validation routine over and over, sometimes it works about 30% of the time
the rest of the time my BPD wife seems to get locked in on what she is angry about and
no validating seems to work its if she has made up her mind that she is going to blame me and trash me until she begins to feel better.

[united for now]

I have done the validation routine over and over, sometimes it works about 30% of the time
the rest of the time my BPD wife seems to get locked in on what she is angry about and
no validating seems to work its if she has made up her mind that she is going to blame me and trash me until she begins to feel better.

Never try to validate a rage or abuse.  When someone becomes abusive and controlling, then safety is important and its best to take a time out.

Validation is best used early in the communication process. It isn't a magic wand.  It doesn't calm the BPD person down instantly or even every time you use it.  What it  can do is not escalate things and allows them the chance to see that we aren't the enemy so that our message can get through to them. They need time and space to allow the process to work.  That is why taking a time out  is a healthy thing to do. Arguing with an angry BP is like throwing fuel on a fire - it only makes things worse. Time and distance are what is needed. The only thing that can calm an angry person down is themselves.

[dea0328]

What if I try validating and he says I'm patronizing.

No matter how many times I repeated I was really sorry ____ happened and that I understand he's hurting and mad he seemed to get angrier at the fact that I was "patronizing" him.

I finally had to just say goodbye and hang up because we were getting nowhere.

[united for now]

Validating isn't apologizing. They don't want to hear how YOU feel. They want to know that you understand how THEY feel. Don't tie the two together.

Validation is strictly about them and their issues and their needs and their feelings and their emotions.

"I understand how you feel"

"That must be tough to feel that way"

"Knowing what happened to you before, I can see how that would bother you"

"I feel the same way at times"

Stay away from the word "mad" since it has negative connotations, use "upset" or "disturbed" instead.

[GodHelpMe]

Validating isn't apologizing. They don't want to hear how YOU feel. They want to know that you understand how THEY feel. Don't tie the two together.

Quote of the year!  May I have your permission to frame this?

[Auspicious]

They don't want to hear how YOU feel. They want to know that you understand how THEY feel.

Boy, when you put it that way, my initial reaction is "well, bully for them!"

(OK, that wasn't my initial reaction, which was much more colorful.)

[Wanda]

Okay i know this works and has worked for me...

but hard to get into the routine and stay in it, and to make sure you don't apologize instead validate.

I started doing this this past summer and i noticed his reaction so much different as i was validating him.

But if i slipped -- mostly because i am tired of validating him what about me -- then yes see a huge difference.

I have to remember if i validate i am in return helping me and not dealing with the rages... that will accrue .

[dea0328]

Ok that makes sense.

This whole validation thing is harder than it sounds. And because I'm sooo defensive now because I've been hurt one too many times I'm always on guard which makes it harder to validate. T

I will work on it. I'm sure I'll slip sometimes like you wanda...but hey we're only human.

[united for now]

You always have a choice in things  

You can react like you always have, and you will continue to be the focus of intense rages, twisted logic, irrational accusations, and unthankful demands - OR - you can try to repair things and stop making things worse by trying a new tactic that over time will increase trust and intimacy and make your life more peaceful.

But if you really wish for change, you can find your way to the nearest exit and start over again, hopefully with someone who is not mentally ill, but, since you haven't figured out how or why you ended up here in the first place, the chances are pretty high that you'll wind up with a similar situation, just with different outward appearances.

Nothing changes without changes...

[Auspicious]

You can react like you always have, and you will continue to be the focus of intense rages, twisted logic, irrational accusations, and unthankful demands - OR - you can try to repair things and stop making things worse by trying a new tactic that over time will increase trust and intimacy and make your life more peaceful.

Oh, I'm all for it, and I've seen the power of it.

Seeing your description of what they want did give me a private laugh, though It just underscores how disordered and unbalanced the relationship is.  "Well of course they don't care what you feel, silly!"

[StayingAfloat]

I will try it and see what happens.

I am fully expecting her to get to the point where she just says "STOP!"

I hate that.  It's the worst.  It pretty much forces us to stay right where we are in the conversation, while she spirals down awfully on her own... because if I say ANYTHING, the response I get is an even louder "STOP!" the second I try to talk.  I guess that's where, as Steph would say, it's beyond help and I need to give her space...

Ok.  I'll try.