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Author Topic: PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship  (Read 53451 times)
JoannaK
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« Reply #30 on: August 13, 2009, 03:39:25 PM »

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Do  accept that she’s doing the best she can with limited capabilities

Perhaps...  if she has acknowledged her issues and is in/considering recovery.  But some with bpd will at times actually want to hurt the non intentionally... they may want to "get back".
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HeartOfaBuddha
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« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2009, 08:57:28 AM »

You know - it's good to see someone with experience say this.  I think sometimes on the staying board we be too inclined to excuse deliberate behavior with  "they can't help it"  and maybe sometimes they can?  I wonder what the line is?  How can we tell? I honestly don't think things can get to a healthy point unless the BPD person does acknowledge the issue.
Peace & Metta
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JoannaK
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« Reply #32 on: August 15, 2009, 10:05:29 AM »

Well, in a way "they can't help it" because their brains are not wired in a correct, healthy way.  But that doesn't always mean that there isn't negative intent.  My exh said to me at one time that he spent all of our money because he knew that would hurt me.  So the miswired part of his brain needed to get back at me (for no particular reason), but he did know what he was doing... There was intent in that he wanted to hurt me.

Someone with bpd may be doing things to hurt the partner...  because they are sure that the partner deserves the hurt.  That's where boundaries come in... no matter what the intentions of the bpd person, we can't allow our boundaries to be violated.  In my case, I should have been more careful with access to money so that he didn't spend all of it.
 
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Ice Man
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« Reply #33 on: December 25, 2009, 09:15:40 AM »

but if they're beating themselves up emotionally, what do you do- agree? Say, no you're not? I tried just about every reaction.


In my experience, there wasn't any magic pill.  Finding closure, or meeting of the minds in real time, oftyen just couldn't be reached.  Things could only be left in some state of chaos... edgey.

Maybe the only relief is within you and your ability to disengage and step away from it.  Accept the chaos and the edgey-ness and the way thing must be and learn how not to worry about it - find emotional relief some other way - with someone else. 

When HE finally wants to talk about it, there is always Randi Kreger's formula; Puvas

• Pay attention
• Understand fully
• Validate emotions
• Assert yourself
• Shift stuff where it belongs

I found this very helpful.

Emotionally satisfying? No.  A sign of a healthy relationship?  No,   just life with a BPD partner.  And if (or when) you can't find it in yourself to accept this anymore -  you probably need to get out of the relationship.

Just some thoughts - although, my relationship ended, so these are like golf tips from the worst player on the course  smiley

Skippy

Hi Skippy, just have a question for you. I'm sure I'm a worse golfer than you are. Question is:

1. What if she comes back to you and there's something telling you that things might just work out this time after a long time battling this, you and her..? Will you revive it?

*I wonder since you're initiator of this Site and sound really compassionate and helpful, after all this work, . . don't you want to achieve something ?
and also there profile of yours don't say much about the whole story, and how it is ending, is she living alone now?

Thanks for this Site.
and Merry Christmas !       
john.
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united for now
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« Reply #34 on: July 09, 2010, 09:46:59 AM »

Change isn't easy. The way you feel about them ( RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ), the way you listen to them ( EMPATHETIC LISTENING ), the way you comm with them ( VALIDATION ), the way you respond to them ( BOUNDARIES ), all of these are tools that we use to stop making things worse so that we can begin to make them better.

It takes time and a lot of practice, but as you change - they are forced to change too.

If we stop following and instead take the lead we will see a difference   messenger3
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Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes


unicorn2014
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« Reply #35 on: February 01, 2014, 03:01:04 AM »

if you stay...  to make your self healthier.. be prepared to change yourself...  

you cant be afraid of confrontation...  

your boundaries must be established.. you need to be you...  or be the person you were before...  and grow...  

you are not commiting to stay and continue miserable...  your staying because you believe there is going to be an improved realationship..
I agree with this. My dBP fiancé made his second suicide breakup attempt within a year and I'm really having to sort through my feelings. Yes, I am in therapy. I'm really glad this board is here because I don't feel so alone anymore. After his last outburst some of my friends discouraged me from continuing the relationship. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had to sort through these feelings.
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