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ok, so who actually enjoyed there relationship with there BPD? were you actually happy?

i know there were happy moments, but i was pretty much misrable for the majority of the relationship. id say i was about 25% happy.   and then once i actually did start to really enjoy it, she broke up with me.

Woah, that's actually a very complex question.  I wasn't actually happy, but I put a lot of effort into convincing myself I was happy because I felt an obligation to remain in the relationship.  Or something... .  Hmmm... .

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

If I hadn't already quit my job at that point, I suspect I would have been fired.

Good times?  Maybe 20% - 25%, as you said ... .but it was enough to keep me hoping for more.   I was so lonely and so desperately wanted to be "normal" in the sense that every other adult seemed to have a partner, and I had been alone for SO long.

I don't think I'd want to try to put things in terms of a percentage, but there were many wonderful times. She's a very decent individual. Nonetheless though, she's a borderline, and in the end, my mental and physical health were being compromised. I'm actually about to invite her daughter and grandchild to lunch, as I know she's out of town. She's worthy of my love, and she'll always have it to some degree, but from a distance, and with defined boundaries.

I looked up the word "happy" in the dictionary, and I found: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

I think contentment and joy better describes it, because happiness is a state of mind, like being content and joyful. Pleasure is a temporary feeling. So, No, I have never been happy during my 21 year marriage.

I think the wonderful times need to be really wonderful to keep us in the game. I have used the golf analogy a few times. I don't play anymore, but when I reflect back, the fun times come to mind. Thinking deeper, I know why I quit playing. It was 90% agony. It was that elation I felt making those rare "pro" shots that kept me playing. I was always hopeful my game would turn the corner and would see improvement, which never came.

yes yes yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

when the no's outweighed the yes's  it was time...

these realtionships are feast or famine... .

my ex made me the happiest... of all of them... but also made me the most miserable...

Reading some responses makes me qusetion if my ex is really BPD, but then again I could be minimizing which I tend to do as I'm sure many non's do.  so our relationship was good for just over a year.  Then My event with the ring set her off and fro then on she was distant then close.  Finally she ended it. 

LH

Honestly, the first six months where the happiest (Mar'07-Sep'07)... . I guess that was our honeymoon stage... . as soon as I told her that I fell in love with her she did a 180 and the relationship went straight down the hill from there on... . crash and burn... .the emotional quagmire lasted way too long (Sep'07-Dec'09)... .glad it's finally behind me!  

- Ciao

Amen! I don't know what it is but I just genuinely liked being with my soon to be ex. I just hated her rages and the dumb sh*& she would start with me. Looking back, I probably wasn't as happy as I should have been but I was definitely dependent. My whole last three plus years of therapy have been about how miserable she makes me and that she is never happy. I even switched to a career coach/therapist to work on career issues and all we talked about was my miserable wife. Dang, I think I just answered your question.

Oddly, it was very happy times for me for about half the time. But even early on when things were 'good', I found that I had a very strange lonely feeling.  I didn't understand why at the time - I do now.

Yes Dang, good way to put it. I also had that lonely feeling. It's as though she depended upon me for so much, but I could depend on her for little, beyond a hard time. The good stuff was there, but it was so horribly unpredictable. I felt lonely, or I think more like just "alone."

This pretty much sums it up for me.  I have reflected a lot on this.  My reflections end up being a "no," I wasn't happy.  I became a mess being with him.  I lost myself.  I almost lost my job.  I tried very hard to make sure he was ok, and forgot to make sure that myself and my son were.

Did we have "some" good times?  Yes.  If the stars were aligned, his mood was ok, and a recent rage had left him with no immediate desire to fight with anyone, and anyone around him was agreeing with his opinions or whatever, then the evening may be good.  I can probably count those nice times on one hand over 18 months.  That is pitiful. 

I don't believe that if anyone is in a r'ship with someone who may have BPD that it will ever be about them or anything else.  It will always be about the person with BPD.  And that cannot make anyone happy.

After twenty years with her, I may have been happy at times.  But the abuse was so intense and I am happy that it is over.

I have been happy at times... .especially the beginning... .but that is typical. Even since... there are still some happy moments and we still laugh a lot and enjoy doing things together. We still have sex though it is still ALWAYS on her schedule, not mine. I still have fun times with her. the flip side is that the bad times are outweighing the good ones and my kids and I don't deserve that.

I think that I would be willing to stay longer if it weren't for my kids, but I know for sure that I would not be willing to stay forever. Its been very hard to come to the realization that even if she manages to learn to control her behaviors, I still don't want to spend my life with her. I wish her the best in her efforts to get healthy, and if possible I will maintain a friendship with strict boundaries... .but I will not be her partner anymore.

I've found that the definition of "happiness" changes over time when you're in a relationship with a BPD.  In the beginning "happiness" may be that awesome high feeling you get when someone idolizes you and places you on a pedestal. After many years of dealing with crazy BPD behaviors, I defined "happiness" as those brief periods, few and far between, when BPD husband focused his attention on something other than my faults as a human being.

Looking back, the only true happiness I felt during my marriage was when I spent time with my two children.   

In the beginning I was happier than I have ever been in my life and I'm over 40... .my life FINALLY made sense.  So many people even commented that I seemed happier than I had ever been and I was a very gregarious person to start with.

Looking back at about month 4 or 5 the wheels started to come off though.  Sure there were SO many red flags early but she was abused as a child, was 100% NC with her family, had a stalker and a train wreck of relationships behind her so I chalked it up to her just being hurt... .after all I was saving her, I was her soulmate and she had finally found someone 'strong enough to be her man'... . 

If I'm honest with myself though I began to walk on eggshells in many ways as early as month 1, but again I chalked this up to her past and hell I was having such an incredible time during that honeymoon faze.  Maybe it was harder to see as my BPDexgf was not a true 'rager' in the sense of what I read in many accounts here... .she was much more insidious... .she knew me at my core and was constantly playing me against my own emotions... .I was always looking to please her, to get back to that honeymoon faze, but the harder I tried the more she pushed me away.  In the end I was like a toy and she did as she pleased and when I look back I'm embarrased and ashamed at what I put up with... .

I find it so hard to fathom how I still miss her so much at times... .the high's we SO incredibly high I guess... .unrealistically high is my best guess... .which is maybe what leaves me with this nagging feeling that I will NEVER again find 'that' feeling again... .

Newstart,

This sounds a lot like my story too.

The first months felt great, but there were a lot of red flags i ignored.

I always wanted to get back to the great times we had at the start, but i guess realized they were never coming back.

Now when i think back, the great times are fading, and all i can think of is the bad bits... .oh and they were pretty bad.

I read a book, that this re-writing of your mental history about the relationship means you are moving on. I dont really think i even miss her now, and you WILL find that feeling again, but it will be REAL the next time... .trust me... this is happening to me now, and it feels SOO much better thatn all the BPD drama crap.

Thanks 997s... .

I would call it a "pseudo-happiness". There is no substance to it at the end of the day. It's an inexplicable, unparalleled rush induced by a very complex drug (what I'm coming to see uBPDxgf as). Then it's followed by a major crash. As time wore on, the rush became duller and duller and I became more of a fiend.

So to answer your question - I was "pseudo-happy" and quite confused (my goodness! that must've been a  my-issues   lol).

In solidarity,

LB

Nothing pseudo about the depression that I sometimes feel, though!

Although I must admit that two weeks into the semester, with my new sleeping patterns firmly established, I feel relatively ok most of the time.  There's no joy, no comfort, but I'm not tasting the gun oil, either.

Perhaps happiness is not a realistic goal for some of us, and we should be satisfied simply with relative peace of mind. 

Relationships can destroy peace of mind, but we shouldn't rely on them to create it.  Human lives and destinies are far too fragile for that.

That's a really good topic.  When we are together, it's great.  Love being with him because that's the man I married and I can see that he's still in there somewhere.  But then he'll go BPD on me and I kick myself for being sucked in again, and again, and again.  If he could get rid of the BPD and be the real man inside, then I would be truly happy.  The good times are really good, but the bad are really bad.

Wow, I see a lot of you posting numbers like 25% good times 75% bad times... .that must of sucked.

My relationship was more like 75% good 20% nuetral and 5% absolutely awful.

But, the things that happened in the 5% should have definitely been enough to get me to leave.

I think that was the hardest thing for me to give up this relationship, the vast majority of the time, it was bliss, and I thought I could endure the 5%. But, NO ONE should have to endure emotional/physical abuse, infidelities, lies, etc. What made my head spin so much is how fast things could turn sour... .and then how fast they could turn back to bliss. I remember having good weeks, then something would trigger her, we would fight for an hour or so... .she would call me names, do mean things, break up with me, etc... .and then 1 hour later we would be having the best make-up sex of our lives, buying each other gifts and promising the world too each other. These moments were much more common than any long periods of separation or anger towards each other. It made me think we could really overcome any situation.

One of my most miserable days with her, where she caught me and my friend watching the dreaded YouTube  , she became physically abusive, threatened suicide, and ended up in the hospital. At 2 AM, my friend and I went to go pick her up, I remember holding her real close to me in the ER, kissing her and telling her everything will be ok, with her looking at me with those puppy dog eyes, profusely appologizing and telling me how much I meant to her. That night, we ended up all going out together for Pizza and beer at a real fun joint that stays open all night, and playing the night away laughing, joking and having a grand time. It seemed almost every bad experience was quickly followed up by amazing, memorable times. I think she was aware of this and was actually addicted to the push/pull drama. Still, it wasn't worth it to me, it was soo damaging to my heart and definitely not worth the tears. Maybe the fights and hatred didn't bother her much, but slowly the 5% was eating me down to nothing. 

I do know even if this same percentage would have continued, the 5% would have ended up destroying me and I probably would have fallen into the only 25% "good" category. But even when our relationship ended, Between SEP-DEC we had only 1 major fight and plenty of fun dates in which I felt we were growing closer together. Weird relationship. The good times were definitely not worth it.

Thanks for posting this    |iiii

I was thinking about this very question today.  The answer for me was that she showed me a small sneak preview in the beginning of her acting sweet and loving and I wanted that badly.  She would continually tell me how well she treated her ex-husband and that whenever she gets into a relationship that she makes that man "her world." She would reinforce this false belief by stating how none of the guys she was with appreciated her.  I was constantly chasing after this fictitious happiness that she said she could provide.  When I actually did get into a relationship with her, it was nothing like she said it would be.  She didn't make me "her world", it included all her exes plus several people I probably don't know about,  and I was far from happy or fulfilled.  I still had to earn her love and nothing was ever good enough for her.  And since she didn't treat me the way she says she treated the men she loved, I felt very unloved, unwanted, and miserable.  It made me feel like the failure and that something was wrong me. 

Ouch... .

Mine really did make me her world. Obsessed over me, wrote me love notes, hid little messages in my wallet or car... .cute stuff. Suprised me with my favorite foods, bought me funny tshirts, posters, video games, cds etc etc etc. She knew everything about me. To my favorite hockey player to my interests in philosophy and psychology. She bought be a bobble-head Frued that I thought was just so darn cute. Flowers... .  A WOMAN ACTUALLY BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! No wonder I adored this woman... .She was also so appreciative of everthing I did for her, i reciprocated the kindess, took her on trips, showing her my favorite canyon when I was a kid to catch lizards... .and caught some with her. I involved her completely in my life and family. She did the same... .introduced me to her extended family as her "Brad Pitt" boyfriend. We were very close and it felt like a fairy tale.

But,

This girl was also so quick to kick me off the pedastool, treat me like dirt, like I was nothing to her... .

AND,

Immediately out of nowhere, pick up a new boyfriend and start doing the exact same things with him. Flying him out to meet her family, making him cute/thoughtfull gifts, telling and showing him he is HER WORLD, giving up everything for him... .the same way she did for me.

It was never about me, it was always about trying to prove to herself that SHE was wonderful, because deep down she feels like she is nothing, dirty, and horrible, and trying to FORCE others to see otherwise will never solve this. I believe that was the case, the gifts, admiration, and obsession, was really about trying to prove to herself that she was a good person, worthy of admiration of her own. But, her cup has a major whole in it, and the more people fill it up, the more it just leaks out.

Yes, I can totally relate.  I think in my case, I told her I loved her fairly early on, about 3 months after I first met her.  Before I told her that she was getting me little gifts and made me think that I actually had a shot with her.  After that point it was completely off and on.  We had discussed doing a bunch of things together, just the two of us.  She ended up doing a crapload of those things with the guy she dumped me for... .IN ONE WEEKEND.  And this was when I gave her the ultimatum of choosing me or losing me.  I really don't have sympathy for these people when they go and do things that seemed special and exclusive about the relationship with other people.  Just shows how replaceable and interchangeable we are to them. 

I made a list of all the supposed "good times."  I counted 10 exactly, and only 3 of those events I'd consider in the realm of perfect, where there was nothing abusive or manipulative going on.  And those 3 perfect happy times all occurred within the first 3 months (the honeymoon period).

ditto here

There were parts of my r/s with uBPxh that were very happy. I laughed with him like no one else. We laughed a lot. We played. We were simple and uncomplicated together at times. But... .there always seemed to be an underlying element of manipulation. I spent so much of the time feeling defeated and deflated by his flip remarks designed to really sting under the guise of, "Oh I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing you." I remember once we were kidding around talking and laughing and he mentioned this woman he had asked out once. She was a doctor (Ophthamologist) and they just couldn't seem to get their schedules together to actually go out. In the course of out banter he said, "Yeah I reached for the gold ring but instead I got you." WOW did that ever hurt! Of course he could not understand why a comment like that would hurt my feelings. Think about it. "I reached for the gold ring but instead I got you." hmmmmm  This is just one example of how our laughter and fun would turn into me feeling like a doofus, lower than a snake's belly and he felt superior and empowered. He loves to give me a put down and cover it all up by saying he's just kidding... .which makes me seem to be the overly sensitive one.

Now that I think about it. Maybe there weren't as many "happy" times as I'd like to remember.

This was the same with me and was the beginning of the end.  She'd say something really offensive like what you experienced in a non-joking very serious tone of voice, wait for me to get pissed off at her and then try to say it was a joke and I can't handle her.  This isn't normal behavior and she got angry because she felt like she had to watch everything she said around me, which was the truth.  I can only imagine being in their shoes and not having any kind of restraint on the words that came out of my mouth.  It's like that movie Liar, Liar except they are always saying inappropriate hurtful comments.

Looking back, she'd mainly pull this routine when things were starting to become normal and calm down between us.  They really live for the drama, and drama is no key to happiness in my book.  And this was a non-stop occurrence.  I can only remember a few scant moments of peace for the whole 8 months.  There was almost always distance.

I agree with you totally!

Exactly! It would usually be when things were calm. You're right they do love the drama but it's twisted to appear that "we" the nons are the drama queens. You know... .we're just too sensitive and we can't handle them. Phhttt!

Mobo, I'm sorry, the temptation is too great. What were you watching on YouTube that prompted this reaction?

BTW, your follow-up story is just too real for me. The best times with the BP seems to come right after these chaotic events. It's like make-up sex. Sometimes I wonder about ME and whether the underlying problem resides in my addiction to the elation following the chaos.

Hey, it beats being a cold heartless narcissist cretin any day, right?  Mine would do the opposite as well.  Would yours?  Like, she'd be talking in a fun joking manner one second and get me laughing and then all of a sudden blast me for not being SERIOUS ENOUGH. She had the gull to tell me that I was laughing inappropriately at her when just moments before she was laughing too.  After a while it was just so absurd that I told her that she was too sensitive.  You really can't win or come to any kind of real understanding with them.

Bingo! I'm so there. Have been crawling out ever since. Within a year the "good feelings" started falling apart and in three (when he was moved in with me) he was well on his way to a rage a week.

I felt happy. Honestly, I felt happy most of the time. When she got "moody" I was supportive to her. She did make me feel like I was able to help her feel better about things. We would sing together in the mornings, making up songs and words... .she was witty and was able to rhyme words quickly and make the songs funny. We would sit on the porch together and have a glass of wine, watch movies and cuddle, drink coffee in bed... .I really loved her and I was happy. As the end drew nearer... .I became depressed, not wanting to do anything. I started feeling stressed when her daughter would come to visit because her daughter is such a user. It's all about her. Now I know her daughter is alot like her mother... .they are BPDers. I started feeling happy when my ex would fly out to see her family. Thats when I knew something was not right.

I was generally quite happy in our relationship about 95% of the time.  The 5%, though, was not pleasant because I never knew what his triggers were going to be from week to week.

We didn't live together, though.  So... .I think that's why I was happy most of the time   :)

I miss him.

I honestly only remember a few instances of happiness in the long years after the initial "pedestal" phase.

Most of what I felt was nothing, which was preferable to feeling like an emotional punching bag.  The vast majority of times that I was happy occurred when I was away from her. 

Sickening, ain't it?

GD145

The relationship was the most intense I have ever had.  It made me happier than I have ever felt with someone but it also was the most painful experience I have ever felt and made me more miserable than I have ever been.

yep, about 20% happy, the rest of the time I was trying desperately to get back to that happy memory.  There were patches of happiness but it never lasted long.  Patches of promises, but they always came to nothing, patches of warmth, but they soon turned to insults.

And no, i may never feel all that again, and thank god for that, because at least I will be able to find something REAL next time.

the good times were wonderful

the bad times increasingly more horrific

until there was almost no good times left

that last year was hell

Great thread... .If you were to ask me if I was happy when I was actually in the relationship... .I would have said yes... .but with some reservations.  I mean, I was so in love and that feeling just ROCKS! lol   

But now that I really can honestly say I am moving on nicely and am out of the FOG... .I was freakin miserable.  I gained weight due to all of the stress, I distanced myself from friends/family b/c of her jealousy issues, I sucked at my job due to lack of sleep and her interrupting my day with her phone calls.  They were either loving calls or fits of rage.  I was filled with anxiety all the time.  My responsibilities (ie paying bills) were put to the side.  I would forget to pay some of them due to being so consumed with her. 

I feel so relaxed now and focused on my responsibilities.  I am working out all the time being healthy.  It really is nice... .I am no longer wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she get mad.  I sleep better... .so I am not exhausted throughout the day.  It is awesome.  I honestly was unable to realize how relieved I would be... .when we broke up I was devastated.  But there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is because I have been NC for 5 weeks!  If I wasn't... .I would still be thinking too much, hurting, wondering.  Don't get me wrong... .I still think of her... .but it isn't the same way.  you know?  It's just... .eh... .hope she is ok.  I no longer think of her in a romantic way. 

Couldn't have put it better myself, i too wonder this.

Kind of a long story but here it goes:

YouTube was banned by her when she "caught" me looking at a video game preview called "Age of Conan" that had a scantily dressed woman. She told me if I "really loved her" I would understand and do this for her. So, I let her put up a site-blocker (which I later took down because it was messing up my computer) and quit watching youtube. Fast forward six months. My very close friend that I haven't seen in two years moves back to Utah and wants to visit for a week. She is all cute and adorable with getting him a gift, decorating the guest room and leaving hidden chocolates and sweets for him to find, cooking him his favorite meal, etc etc etc. While she is cooking, she comes down to ask us a question about the food and sees my friend showing me a YouTube video about a dry-land trainer for surfing. She flips, demands that I see her upstairs and goes off on me about "promising never to watch youtube again." I say, "I know babe, but my friend really wants me to watch this video, and it is harmless, come watch it with us, we aren't keeping anything from you."

By this time she is hysterical, ends up throwing the food at me, pushing me, and screaming at me to go tell him that I am not allowed to watch youtube. I say, no way, you are going way to overboard and this is embarrassing the hell out of me. She ups the anti and says, "Well I see you are choosing your friend over me!" and starts swearing at me and hitting me. I ask her if she will go outside with me and take a walk so we can cool down and think straight. Outside she starts screaming at me in front of the neighbors and hitting me again. I tell her to get lost, I don't care where she goes, just get the #$%^#$ out of here. She leaves in her car like a bat out of h.ell and then calls me to inform me she is driving 100 miles down the freeway and doesn't give a @#$%$ if she crashes. I immediately call the police, hysterical myself by now, and they talk me through what I need to do. She shows back up right before the police do, sees the cops coming and swears at me about it. The police get out, ask me some questions and then decide to box in her car so she cant leave again. They take my statement and ask if they can go inside to talk to her. They come out 10 minutes later, search me and ask me if I had hit her, I say no and they do a background check on me. I AM LUCKY that my ex did not lie about the one-sided abuse, I would have spent the night in jail for sure if she had lied.

Anyways, she tells the police that she is still suicidal, so they take her to the hospital... .boy was the look she gave me from the devil   when she entered the cop car. If looks could kill... .

This all happened while my friend was downstairs wondering W.T.F was going on?

God that was an embarrassing explanation... .

We ended up picking her up from the ER at 2 AM, and we actually had a good night and things were pretty smooth until the weekend where me and my buddy invited her to come along to a gaming convention downtown. She said she wasn't feeling good and to go on ahead without her. Hours later, she was nonstop calling and texting me, freaking out and accusing us of lying to her and going to an "Orgy". When she called me when I was on the train, she could hear girls in the background and said she "knew" I was out cheating on her. I told her she was being silly and she demanded I prove that I am not by letting her talk to one of the girls. W.T.F? The girls were four rows back from us... .I told her this nonsense needed to stop. She hung up on me and when I got home, the place was trashed. She immediately got physical with me in front of my friend, clawing and slapping me. I told her to go find a place to stay for the night or I was calling the police again. She calmed down and slept on the couch for the next few days... .god that was a horrible weekend.

After that weekend, she could never understand why my friend didn't want to spend any time with her again.

From then on she hated him, and would throw a fit every time I went out with him. HE WAS NOTHING BUT SUPPORTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING, just smart not to put himself in that position again. The BPD hate knows no bounds. She could never reconcile why she hated him, and that she was the main cause of the hatred... .she just knew that he was a threat, and witnessed exactly what she truly was... .

Moby, what a weekend indeed! Wow!

The part about her driving 100 mph rings a bell with me. Quite a few times she has stormed out of here and took off, burning rubber, saying things like she doesn't care if she hits a tree. I have thought about the possibility of her actually doing it and killing herself, either on purpose or just losing control. Or killing other people. How would I ever live that down? I just thank God it did not happen, and she hadn't pulled this stunt for several years now.

It was like a drug... .The first 3-5 months were amazing... .then started to slowly go downhill until I couldn't understand what had happened to our symbiosis and amazing emotional connection. From finishing each other's sentences and kindness and understanding to war and constant rages and fighting which wore me down until the last few rages which ended in the police coming to intervene... .A rollercoaster of highs and lows... .but I'll never forgot the love I had for her and I believed she had for me in the beginning... .

Omg over youtube? I guess I shouldn't point fingers mine flipped out because my art was used in a magazine that a man I knew ... .not dated! A colleague!... .Was also printed in!

And I wasn't allowed to read that magazine... .youtube lol... .but when you're in it you don't realize how weird some of the limits are... .

Same here, I do not miss the rages one bit. Now, I am currently seeing this awesome chick. Last week on one of our dates, I dropped her off at her car. Well, it was cold out and I pulled to the parking spot on the right. What I should have done was pulled to the parking spot to the left she she can get out of my passanger seat and into her drivers seat. I know for a fact if I did that with my exBPDgf, it would have been hell. When I realized what I did, my heart stopped and I appologized. She looked at me like it wasn't a big deal. You know what, it wasn't a biggie. Talk about fleas, LOL!

My exBPDgf will never ben happy in life, NEVER! She is almost 25 and her life's priorities is one big hit_storm. She lived with her parents, no car and sold make up part time. She had the nerve to critisize me! And I am 26, just completed my second degree, have 2 nice cars and just got a house. She left me for someone who is in major debt, I guess had his car repo'ed and is 21. Last I heard, they got a place together and were getting married on Valentine's Day (next week) and have only been together for 3 months!

Honestly, the worst death you can ever give anyone is wishing the life long agony of suffering from BPD.

I was happy when I was fooling myself about his capabilities and intentions. I was miserable most of it once I started to see what he was actually like.

Exactly.

She also had a way to convince me that it was normal to sacrifice things for the relationship... .that all women were hyper-sensitive to nudity/sexuality/other women... .I was kinda raised in this environment so I tended to side with her and actually think that maybe I was in the wrong and should accept her feelings. But, of course it just got worse over time. First it was over anything pornographic, then it was nudity in movies, then it was joking about things sexual or talking about sex with anyone but her... .got to the point where i was afraid to watch any movie or video because I didn't know what content might pop up out of nowhere.

Slowly I was losing myself to her, my favorite book at the time was Choke by Chuck Palahnuik, which is about a sex addict and was chalked full of "inappropriate" content. She had a way of making me feel dirty and immoral for liking things like that... .yet here was a woman who had modeled nude for a photographer, added loads of "scantily dressed" guys (and girls) on her myspace and facebook, and had no problems watching movies with nudity - as long as i wasn't present. Also, she was extremely sexual with me, buying toys, kamasutra  books, etc and loved the fantasy of "getting caught." Such a double standard.

Sometimes she would set me up to fail. Like the time she bought my friend and I tickets to the movie Choke and then raged at me for going... .or the time Dane Cook was coming to town and asked me if I wanted to go to it... .I said I would but couldn't afford it. I spent the night in the dog house for daring to say that I would go to a Dane Cook concert.

Best thing is when she came home from a business trip in vegas, and showed me her pictures. One of them was a picture of her grabbing a male statues genitals, another was of her and her "friend" grabbing each other's breasts, another was posing in front of a strip club (she made it clear that if I ever went to a strip club, I was dead meat). When I called her out on it and asked her if I was allowed the same behaviors, she got upset and told me that I better not.

One last thing that I remember, is that she had a very "dirty" friend, that nonstop talked about her sex-life and how many guys she has "f'd over" and was extremely crude to the point of joking about an abortion she has had. It didn't phase her. But when my friend made a joke about a pornstar and I laughed... .Oh boy, did I have some apologizing to do... .

Whenever I would try to talk about the issues and how we could maybe find some common ground or resolution, she would respond with "Well if you TRULY love me, you will do this for me."

In my mind, I DID love her more than anything, so therefor I MUST do these for her. Such FOG... .I was so brainwashed.

The only difference in my story is that I did loose my job. The constant arguments in the night over me working overwhelmed me and even got me sick So I ended up quitting my job in order to get some peace in my home.

My xBPDbf would also be ok as long as things were being done the way he wanted. When we first started dating it was  AMAZING and I felt like I finally found someone I could trust. But as soon as we moved in together things began to change. He became moody, irretable, sensitive about everything I did and said. But most of the time I was happy, it was just difficult for me sometimes because I felt he was so sensitive and everything I did or said would hurt somehow.

Not wanting your so to go to a strip club is one thing. Not wanting them to enjoy erotica or watch youtube... .is another

Does anyones BPD simply avoid fun at all costs? Also prohibit you from fun? I have experienced this and have reached the end of my petience. Some have talked about being lonely- how about isolated from the world unless it benefits them.

Sex is on her schedule- don't dare "try anything". It is when she says, how she says, and the duration she sets. I confronted my BPDw a few weeks ago related to the fact that she doesn't love me. She didn't repel the idea but as many of you know this can change in seconds.

I see it on a graph: happiness as a function of time. As time on the x-axis progresses, happiness on the y-axis decreases. There would be, of course, a few ups and downs, but basically if you did a linear regression it would be a steadily decreasing value.

Mine would make plans with me to do something fun, but would always find a way to ruin it.  Like we were supposed to go to dinner and then go play pool afterwards.  She showed up waaay late to dinner after I had waited for her for hours... .and she only lived 20 minutes away.  I was starving so much I went ahead and started eating and was just about done by the time she arrived.  Then when we went to play pool (this was the same evening), she's texting her ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend the whole time even after I tell her to put the phone away.  Completely ruined the evening.  I would have had a better shot at communicating with her by texting her.  And I had many more incidents like this.  In situations where nothing should normally interfere, she'd find something to interfere with it.  It was never peaceful and always kept me on edge.  It's a good thing I'm not violent, and I fear for her if she ever hooks up with someone who is.  

I dated the BP a very short time.  And would say it was about 5% good--and the rest turmoil.  Thank goodness he was such a disaster that there was no question of trying to stick it out (I should have run at the first seven or eight dozen red flags the first week!)

Too bad he's still stalking.  

First month great.90% good. After that my life was hell going behind my back telling lies,lived on her laptop,got pregnant on purpose by not taking her pill then decided to abort at 21 weeks.cut herself,hit me,and was lazy the whole time... .when it was good it was amazing but that was very rare.

She knew I was a push over.Even when we were mates she was always on/off with me.

One day you'd have a great day the next she'd ignore you... .she's really messed me up.

Lightbulb moment. Wow. Switch the genders and this is my story.

:light:

My ex kept declaring that he needed to make our relationship work, he needed something to live for, ie a successful relationship. It didn't matter who I was, specifically. Even then, I knew this was a problem.

Me too! Mine would do all of those things too. Sometimes I was confussed because I knew it was sweet but it was like he needed me to tell him that it was wonderful and praise him for it. So sometimes I felt like he really didn't care about getting me anything, it was more about me praising him.

Even when he kicked me out of the house, he fixed my computer, gave me a cell phone, and did some other things too. He told me "you are not even thanking me for those nice things I'm doing for you. I'm doing it because I'm a nice guy". WHAT! He had just kicked me and my kids out of our OWN house and he wanted me to thank him! F U! That's my thank you!

I wonder if mine is stalking me. I don't think he'd hurt me, but he's done some odd things on other message boards and on Facebook that make me feel uncomfortable. I've blocked him in every way I can think of, but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so-to-speak.

I love this line! Very funny.

I think the happier we got, the more she would sabotage things. Like, we were great on vacation. But every time we got back, she'd break up within a week. And there were always other men on the periphery. And she made sure I knew they wanted her and what they had or were that was better than me. So I was always striving to be better. Of course nothing worked. Her love was ultra-conditional, which I don't think is that unusual even for those without BPD. But when the conditions change constantly, it'll just make your head spin.

There was a time, a couple of months before she left and nearly 3 years into the relationship... .It was the day after father's day and she took me out to dinner to celebrate. Awesome time! Then we got home, opened a bottle of good champagne, went in the hot tub for a while, then bedroom sports until 3 am. Really, the perfect night. I found out the following weekend that 20 minutes after I left for work the next morning, she was chatting on the computer with her exbf, letting him come on to her, giving him the number of the new cell phone I bought her, and planning to get together for lunch the next week. GRRRRR!

I have lots of those stories. There was no normal with her. 85% of the time, yes I'd say I was happy. She was everything I wanted in a woman. The other 15% I was completely miserable. She was an evil f'n tramp, capable of absolutely anything. Which was she going to be on any given day? I dunno... .Flip a coin.  ?

Metta,

I have a good friend who's a judge who knows the situation and also spoke with the police in my town.  By the standards in my state, he's definitely met the threshhold for stalking. 

If you are fearful you need to keep records of what he has done in the event you ever need to take legal action.

Beast i know exactly how you feel.She would make up going out with male friends to make me jealous.she'd say she still loves her exBF,she'd talk all day to lads on her laptop she'd make out I did not exist... .but when I dumped her she begged for me back and put all over the net her love for me.

She used this against me,i knew she had many male friends which i had no problem with,until i saw the lies about me and flirting.So naturally i questioned everything... .she'd then blame me for making her life hell and say I need to grow up.

She'd sure make me tell female friends I was in a relationship though.

Wow, it seems like such a simple question but it really makes you think doesn't it?

At the time, I thought being with her was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. In the three years that would come, I suffered depression, had to choose between her and my best friend and chose her. I am still in the process of mending my relationship with my friend but not sure if it will ever be the same. I alienated my friends and family. I pushed off my career for her, I moved to a city I didn't want to for her. In the end, I was left all alone by her. I'm still lonely most of the time.

Hmmm... .not sure how great it all was. I loved her though. That's the troubling part. Even until the end, I loved her. In a way, I always will.

I was happy in the relationship.  Towards, the end however, her life was falling apart and I was trying to pick up the pieces.  It made it really hard, and I was frustrated a lot.  But I made a decision to stick by her.  It was probably the first time in my life I cared about someone else more than myself.  I gave of myself the best that I could.  That made me feel good.  So even during the tough times, I felt good.  I also believed I could weather the storm.  Only she couldn't.

Sam here  x

I felt we were a family, so naturally I sacrafized for us. But in the end his true colors came out and he left. Not only that but he left being mad at me, as if I was the problem.


We were having rough times too. It was the house that brought us a lot of headaches because of the locations of the house, kids school, child care, and my job. It was very stressful, but not to the point to where we needed to split.

I don't think they can handle any stress. Anything sends them off the deep end. They are like children in a grown ups body, everything freaks them out.

The first 4-5 months I was the happiest I had ever been.  I had the most beautiful woman in the world telling me how wonderful I was. It did seem too get to be true and I was worried about what would happen when the infatuation phase started to wear off for her.  I remember saying to my exgf that I couldn't wait for the next phase of our relationship to see where we were going. She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can". That should been my first clue.  I knew she had been through many 1-2 year relationships since her divorce.  I was warned that she uses men and then kicks them to the curb. At about month 6 she started the break-ups every 2-3 months until the final break-up at month 20.  Right on schedule.

For some reason I felt really good when I was with her.  I felt privilaged to have her.  During the break-ups I was the unhappiest I had every been in my life.  I have cried more in the last year then I have in my previous 46 years including as a child.  So I guess my answer is I was the happiest and unhappiest I have ever been with her. If that make sense.  Its been 6 weeks since we broke up and I'm really, really unhappy!

I felt exactly the same way SDT... .I was the happiest and unhappiest I've ever been with my exBPDgf ... .I just choose to remember the good now and learn from the bad... .and move on... .

In the first few months , she said "you're so good for me I want  this work out, I'm so afraid to screw this up... ."  I of course reassured her otherwise and that there was no way she could screw up... .and even so I'd still love her because there's up and downs in any relationship... and we'd work through it and communicate... . just a couple months later she started to paint be black then I was the one screwing up every day until one day I was just too horrible for words... .

Yes she did screw it up... .

SDT--same here. I've cried more over one man than I've ever cried.  He's not Borderline, but he definitely has fear of intimacy issues.  Lots of push/pull. Just empathizing.

In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation. If I hadn't felt so welcome in my own personality, I dont think I would have had the opportunity to understand myself; to see myself as well as I did. To me, the mirroring was a great unlocking. The mystery of who I am, and what I stood for- became so apparent.  When the devaluation began and the hating and the unwarranted smear campaign and blame- it nearly killed me. But I came through it and now understand that it was necessary. It was painful, but very necessary.

What part was necessary? Do you mean you needed to be broken down?

No, not broken down- but I needed a reality check. And I mean that I truly was wandering, wondering about life. Looking outside of myself and feeling fortunate in finding this person (persona) that seemed to think more highly of me than I allowed myself to think- sort of like a loving parent that idolizes. That adoration is like a drug. And when it goes away, you really feel depleted and dead and the only thing you think will bring *you* back is this person who seems to be cruelly withholding.  Not only do you go through the pain of losing someone you cared about- but you lose this high opinion of yourself too, because it was so skillfully reflected in their eyes. They're really great actors you know- and the painful process of healing reveals our own narcissism. That realization was traumatic for me. Now I know that I am the only holder of my self- esteem. It sounds like a bunch of therapy talk, but it really is the lesson that I had to learn.

BPD'rs have a gift for doing this over and over again to many people. Finding out that I wasn't really special was devastating. Now that I have come to terms with it- I feel better. perhaps the best I've ever felt in my entire life- and that's because these feelings go all the way back to childhood.  The BPD'r unlocked my pain from childhood.

2010, your posts really made me think. It's as though my ex's mirroring reflected the "me" that I liked, the "me" I eventually defended once the devaluation and the hating began.


From what I've learned, narcissism itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Narcissism is on a continuum with (for lack of a better term) "not enough" on one end and "too much" on the other. Personality disorders happen when there is either too much narcissism or not enough narcissism. A mentally healthy adult falls somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. I think what you're describing is how cultivating healthy narcissism is key to the healing process. Healthy narcissism involves discovering who you are and loving your True Self, your core humanness.

You just typed everything that I feel/felt. It made me so happy that I could have burst at the beginning, but after a rage I felt worthless, and in so much pain I am sure I actually felt my heart break!

2010,

Great posts, i agree. The experience with my BPDgf was necessary for my own emotional growth. I guess whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh... .?

After being single for many years (focusing on my career, didn't want any distractions) I met my uBPFexGF and I thought I had found the one. Our first few dates were absolutely perfect. She laughed at my corniness, we talked until we were blue in the face and there was this instant click!

4 days into being "committed" she begins yelling at me for something. Red flag anyone?

Anyways, I wasn't happy for most of our relationship. I was constantly trying to relive those feelings from our first dates. But I always had this unsettling feeling with her (she told me how much she dated on our second date and this made me uneasy... "why is this beautiful young career professional still single?) and now I know why. She thinks that people can't handle her opinionated and assertive ways. I just can't handle being treated like a doormat because I spilled some tea on the kitchen floor, or being a constant comfort blanket to assure her she's a great person.

I'm rambling now. This site does it to me! I can never stay on topic lol.

Ramble away Torchwood, it's what we are here for lol. :)

Agree with you Mobocracy, I needed it to grow!

I think of my relationship with my BPD partner as this.  You just rent a nice car for a cross country trip across the USA.  Everything works awesome. Great gas milage, radio comes in clear as a bell, seat are comfortable, convertible for the nice days and your bank account is full.  By the time you get to your destination nothing works right and your trip was miserable.  Nothing works on the car, the top is stuck down, spring are coming up through the seat and the car is just trashed.  The worst part of it all is now some how you have to get back home and your out of money!

happiness originally was about sharing the things you enjoyed with a person you loved.  toward the end their I was happy if I wasnt beaten or insulted. 

Being "committed" meant something quite else in my relationship. 

lol you are killing me today TS

Mine also had these fairy-tailish views of our relationship. THis unrealistic view resides in the minds of children, not mature adults.

At least in my situation, the failure of the relationship to stay in the infatuation stage has fallen squarely on my shoulders. To her, I am the one who is keeping us from going back to those early days. 

No, I don't actually think I was ever really happy. I think I mixed happiness up with the high I achieved with him, when on drugs or when off them. I still don't really know who I am and what part I have played and sometimes still play, I got so enmeshed, still trying to detangle myself and draw together my own sense of self. But I think part of me actually going into the relationship was cause I had nothing else to compare it with, no other relationships previous to that, no happiness either since I had been depressed for years before he and I met. I guess the scary part was I really worshiped the ground he walked on, it's not healthy - I can see that now. Don't think he was happy either, eventhough he said he was.

I've learned things the hard way through this though. I've had to face my own issues, learn to stand up for myself and not let someone else dictate my selfworth. Figured out I myself have abandonment/intimacy issues and how me constantly trying to please others was so wrong. So in some ways I am grateful, eventhough I'm still not really through with it I sometime soon wish to be. A new cornerstone in my life quickly approaching, I'm starting my university education - meeting new people, creating new (healthy!) relationships (his and mine rs was like the only one I've had for years, been quite lonely) and I hope I then can let this rest in peace, turn a new page sort of. Going a bit OT there but oh well, can't help it! :)

The words, I'm sure you all know the grandiose praising words they say, still ring in my ears though... if they only could've held a true meaning. Maybe I would've been happy.

The courtship phase of my relationship with my upbdbf was like nothing I had experienced because he was a combination of "bad boy" and "knight in shining armor" - at least that is the image he was portraying.

Once I had gotten sucked into the vortex and whisked off to Oz, I have a hard time saying that I've really been truly happy.

There were moments that were calm, fun, and perhaps even at times warm and comfortable, but I cannot say with certainty that there was ever a constant current of happiness in this relationship.

I think I love the cat he brought into the relationship (he rescued a kitten as we were about to move in together) more than I love him. 

I used the analogy with my therapist, that this relationship is like being very hungry and the only food that's available is some $1.99 "all you can eat" all night buffet on the Las Vegas strip.

It's food. a lot of it.  but it's not what your body really wants, and it isn't very satisfying in the long term. 

Once I am able to walk away from the buffet, I will go back to being very hungry, I'll just have to figure out a way to cook for myself   

that just cracked me up.  Thank you.

Yeah, I think a lot of us have had to "cook for ourselves"   

It's better than being diced and fried.

I absolutely loved the man

and still do to this day

I just could not fix him which is the miserable part

really miserable

I have to admit that when things were good, he was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!  I had never had a guy treat me as wonderfully as he did!  I never laughed so hard, smiled so wide, or felt as beautiful as I did when I was with him!  But when he was his alter ego, I was the most miserable I'd ever been!  He would belittle me with name calling and disrespect.  It was like the world's biggest roller coaster ride!

Kristy

Ahhh the "food" you cook at home is way better for you anyway. Fast food repeats on you... .LOL I loved this one. Thanks.

x

There have been a lot of happy moments.

I will be happy again with him if : i abandon my kids, i quit my job, i sell my house, i kill my cats,i will totally ignore my parents, first ex husband, neighbours, my sister, and buy myself an island to share with him, have sex anytime he likes,do all the housework, finances, laughs when he does,pitty him when he is sad,bring him coffee when he wants, let him sleep, wake him up when he wants. etc.etc... .because that is what makes him happy, and should make me happy in his opinion ?

Besides that i still love him unconditional, like i would love a child of 5/6 year old... .

I never treated the relationship as if it was going to last forever, it was fun initially and I wasn't looking to settle down with anyone again after being hurt badly

I ignored a lot of red flags because I have a busy life and then I feel I just got sucked into his weird messed up life, that he did a good job of keeping from me. I feel like I got to see the real him but only sometimes, and I kept going back because I knew it was there somehwere. But I think he always knew I wasn't that into him and that is why it got bad with him trying to keep me.

Ex1 who I believe to have BPD of some kind, poss narcs. I felt he was the love I had been looking for. I gave up a lot for him and hurt other people in the belief it was forever and that we were meant to be together. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't the case. I wasn't really 'happy' I just soo badly wanted to be happy with him that I put up with awful things to try to find it

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

Yea, that sums me up... .was in it for 17 years/15 year marriage... .good times but the emotional pain was not worth it... .

This is why it's so hard for me to finalize this divorce (though I must.) I was actually happy 90% of the time.

The first year was a h*ll of ups and dains, lots of emotional pain, but the second and the third year were mostly mellow. He was cycling through verbal abuse rages (toward me, not in front or towards S8) about every three months.

The rest of the time? I could go to college. Work with him on his business. Go shopping. Go to auctions. Not like BPD prior to him where the advantabges were few and far between.

But my STBX was getting unhappy, thinking that because I could not find a job (in this market? They put your app in a stack an inch thick) that I was living off him. Unable to think back to the $$$$$$$ I brought in during the Christmas sales season. Because my STBX cannot remember what I've done for him for more than 24 hours, he made himself miserable.

He wanted me to be unhappy, too. So he'd pick fights over meaningless stuff. Even so, he was happy 75% of the time, LOL. Talk about ruining a good thing.