answer honestly

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of my most miserable days with her, where she caught me and my friend watching the dreaded YouTube  , she became physically abusive, threatened suicide, and ended up in the hospital.

Mobo, I'm sorry, the temptation is too great. What were you watching on YouTube that prompted this reaction?

BTW, your follow-up story is just too real for me. The best times with the BP seems to come right after these chaotic events. It's like make-up sex. Sometimes I wonder about ME and whether the underlying problem resides in my addiction to the elation following the chaos.

[WalrusGumboot]

One of my most miserable days with her, where she caught me and my friend watching the dreaded YouTube  , she became physically abusive, threatened suicide, and ended up in the hospital.

Mobo, I'm sorry, the temptation is too great. What were you watching on YouTube that prompted this reaction?

BTW, your follow-up story is just too real for me. The best times with the BP seems to come right after these chaotic events. It's like make-up sex. Sometimes I wonder about ME and whether the underlying problem resides in my addiction to the elation following the chaos.

[Valentine09]

You know... .we're just too sensitive and we can't handle them. Phhttt!

Hey, it beats being a cold heartless narcissist cretin any day, right?  Mine would do the opposite as well.  Would yours?  Like, she'd be talking in a fun joking manner one second and get me laughing and then all of a sudden blast me for not being SERIOUS ENOUGH. She had the gull to tell me that I was laughing inappropriately at her when just moments before she was laughing too.  After a while it was just so absurd that I told her that she was too sensitive.  You really can't win or come to any kind of real understanding with them.

[Backtome09]

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

If I hadn't already quit my job at that point, I suspect I would have been fired.

Bingo! I'm so there. Have been crawling out ever since. Within a year the "good feelings" started falling apart and in three (when he was moved in with me) he was well on his way to a rage a week.

[jalk]

I felt happy. Honestly, I felt happy most of the time. When she got "moody" I was supportive to her. She did make me feel like I was able to help her feel better about things. We would sing together in the mornings, making up songs and words... .she was witty and was able to rhyme words quickly and make the songs funny. We would sit on the porch together and have a glass of wine, watch movies and cuddle, drink coffee in bed... .I really loved her and I was happy. As the end drew nearer... .I became depressed, not wanting to do anything. I started feeling stressed when her daughter would come to visit because her daughter is such a user. It's all about her. Now I know her daughter is alot like her mother... .they are BPDers. I started feeling happy when my ex would fly out to see her family. Thats when I knew something was not right.

[iwillsurvive]

I was generally quite happy in our relationship about 95% of the time.  The 5%, though, was not pleasant because I never knew what his triggers were going to be from week to week.

We didn't live together, though.  So... .I think that's why I was happy most of the time   

I miss him.

[GCD145]

I honestly only remember a few instances of happiness in the long years after the initial "pedestal" phase.

Most of what I felt was nothing, which was preferable to feeling like an emotional punching bag.  The vast majority of times that I was happy occurred when I was away from her. 

Sickening, ain't it?

GD145

[letmego]

The relationship was the most intense I have ever had.  It made me happier than I have ever felt with someone but it also was the most painful experience I have ever felt and made me more miserable than I have ever been.

yep, about 20% happy, the rest of the time I was trying desperately to get back to that happy memory.  There were patches of happiness but it never lasted long.  Patches of promises, but they always came to nothing, patches of warmth, but they soon turned to insults.

And no, i may never feel all that again, and thank god for that, because at least I will be able to find something REAL next time.

[sosadandone]

the good times were wonderful

the bad times increasingly more horrific

until there was almost no good times left

that last year was hell

[KMTTP]

ok, so who actually enjoyed there relationship with there BPD? were you actually happy?

i know there were happy moments, but i was pretty much misrable for the majority of the relationship. id say i was about 25% happy.   and then once i actually did start to really enjoy it, she broke up with me.

Great thread... .If you were to ask me if I was happy when I was actually in the relationship... .I would have said yes... .but with some reservations.  I mean, I was so in love and that feeling just ROCKS!    

But now that I really can honestly say I am moving on nicely and am out of the FOG... .I was freakin miserable.  I gained weight due to all of the stress, I distanced myself from friends/family b/c of her jealousy issues, I sucked at my job due to lack of sleep and her interrupting my day with her phone calls.  They were either loving calls or fits of rage.  I was filled with anxiety all the time.  My responsibilities (ie paying bills) were put to the side.  I would forget to pay some of them due to being so consumed with her. 

I feel so relaxed now and focused on my responsibilities.  I am working out all the time being healthy.  It really is nice... .I am no longer wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she get mad.  I sleep better... .so I am not exhausted throughout the day.  It is awesome.  I honestly was unable to realize how relieved I would be... .when we broke up I was devastated.  But there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is because I have been NC for 5 weeks!  If I wasn't... .I would still be thinking too much, hurting, wondering.  Don't get me wrong... .I still think of her... .but it isn't the same way.  you know?  It's just... .eh... .hope she is ok.  I no longer think of her in a romantic way. 

[PotentiallyKevin]

One of my most miserable days with her, where she caught me and my friend watching the dreaded YouTube  , she became physically abusive, threatened suicide, and ended up in the hospital.

Mobo, I'm sorry, the temptation is too great. What were you watching on YouTube that prompted this reaction?

BTW, your follow-up story is just too real for me. The best times with the BP seems to come right after these chaotic events. It's like make-up sex. Sometimes I wonder about ME and whether the underlying problem resides in my addiction to the elation following the chaos.

Couldn't have put it better myself, i too wonder this.

Kind of a long story but here it goes:

YouTube was banned by her when she "caught" me looking at a video game preview called "Age of Conan" that had a scantily dressed woman. She told me if I "really loved her" I would understand and do this for her. So, I let her put up a site-blocker (which I later took down because it was messing up my computer) and quit watching youtube. Fast forward six months. My very close friend that I haven't seen in two years moves back to Utah and wants to visit for a week. She is all cute and adorable with getting him a gift, decorating the guest room and leaving hidden chocolates and sweets for him to find, cooking him his favorite meal, etc etc etc. While she is cooking, she comes down to ask us a question about the food and sees my friend showing me a YouTube video about a dry-land trainer for surfing. She flips, demands that I see her upstairs and goes off on me about "promising never to watch youtube again." I say, "I know babe, but my friend really wants me to watch this video, and it is harmless, come watch it with us, we aren't keeping anything from you."

By this time she is hysterical, ends up throwing the food at me, pushing me, and screaming at me to go tell him that I am not allowed to watch youtube. I say, no way, you are going way to overboard and this is embarrassing the hell out of me. She ups the anti and says, "Well I see you are choosing your friend over me!" and starts swearing at me and hitting me. I ask her if she will go outside with me and take a walk so we can cool down and think straight. Outside she starts screaming at me in front of the neighbors and hitting me again. I tell her to get lost, I don't care where she goes, just get the #$%^#$ out of here. She leaves in her car like a bat out of h.ell and then calls me to inform me she is driving 100 miles down the freeway and doesn't give a #$%$ if she crashes. I immediately call the police, hysterical myself by now, and they talk me through what I need to do. She shows back up right before the police do, sees the cops coming and swears at me about it. The police get out, ask me some questions and then decide to box in her car so she cant leave again. They take my statement and ask if they can go inside to talk to her. They come out 10 minutes later, search me and ask me if I had hit her, I say no and they do a background check on me. I AM LUCKY that my ex did not lie about the one-sided abuse, I would have spent the night in jail for sure if she had lied.

Anyways, she tells the police that she is still suicidal, so they take her to the hospital... .boy was the look she gave me from the devil   when she entered the cop car. If looks could kill... .

This all happened while my friend was downstairs wondering W.T.F was going on?

God that was an embarrassing explanation... .

We ended up picking her up from the ER at 2 AM, and we actually had a good night and things were pretty smooth until the weekend where me and my buddy invited her to come along to a gaming convention downtown. She said she wasn't feeling good and to go on ahead without her. Hours later, she was nonstop calling and texting me, freaking out and accusing us of lying to her and going to an "Orgy". When she called me when I was on the train, she could hear girls in the background and said she "knew" I was out cheating on her. I told her she was being silly and she demanded I prove that I am not by letting her talk to one of the girls. W.T.F? The girls were four rows back from us... .I told her this nonsense needed to stop. She hung up on me and when I got home, the place was trashed. She immediately got physical with me in front of my friend, clawing and slapping me. I told her to go find a place to stay for the night or I was calling the police again. She calmed down and slept on the couch for the next few days... .god that was a horrible weekend.

After that weekend, she could never understand why my friend didn't want to spend any time with her again.

From then on she hated him, and would throw a fit every time I went out with him. HE WAS NOTHING BUT SUPPORTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING, just smart not to put himself in that position again. The BPD hate knows no bounds. She could never reconcile why she hated him, and that she was the main cause of the hatred... .she just knew that he was a threat, and witnessed exactly what she truly was... .

[WalrusGumboot]

She leaves in her car like a bat out of h.ell and then calls me to inform me she is driving 100 miles down the freeway and doesn't give a #$%$ if she crashes.

Moby, what a weekend indeed! Wow!

The part about her driving 100 mph rings a bell with me. Quite a few times she has stormed out of here and took off, burning rubber, saying things like she doesn't care if she hits a tree. I have thought about the possibility of her actually doing it and killing herself, either on purpose or just losing control. Or killing other people. How would I ever live that down? I just thank God it did not happen, and she hadn't pulled this stunt for several years now.

[Morgause]

It was like a drug... .The first 3-5 months were amazing... .then started to slowly go downhill until I couldn't understand what had happened to our symbiosis and amazing emotional connection. From finishing each other's sentences and kindness and understanding to war and constant rages and fighting which wore me down until the last few rages which ended in the police coming to intervene... .A rollercoaster of highs and lows... .but I'll never forgot the love I had for her and I believed she had for me in the beginning... .

[anker]

Omg over youtube? I guess I shouldn't point fingers mine flipped out because my art was used in a magazine that a man I knew ... .not dated! A colleague!... .Was also printed in!

And I wasn't allowed to read that magazine... .youtube ... .but when you're in it you don't realize how weird some of the limits are... .

[Amdis]

ok, so who actually enjoyed there relationship with there BPD? were you actually happy?

i know there were happy moments, but i was pretty much misrable for the majority of the relationship. id say i was about 25% happy.   and then once i actually did start to really enjoy it, she broke up with me.

Great thread... .If you were to ask me if I was happy when I was actually in the relationship... .I would have said yes... .but with some reservations.  I mean, I was so in love and that feeling just ROCKS!    

But now that I really can honestly say I am moving on nicely and am out of the FOG... .I was freakin miserable.  I gained weight due to all of the stress, I distanced myself from friends/family b/c of her jealousy issues, I sucked at my job due to lack of sleep and her interrupting my day with her phone calls.  They were either loving calls or fits of rage.  I was filled with anxiety all the time.  My responsibilities (ie paying bills) were put to the side.  I would forget to pay some of them due to being so consumed with her. 

I feel so relaxed now and focused on my responsibilities.  I am working out all the time being healthy.  It really is nice... .I am no longer wondering if I said the wrong thing, will she get mad.  I sleep better... .so I am not exhausted throughout the day.  It is awesome.  I honestly was unable to realize how relieved I would be... .when we broke up I was devastated.  But there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is because I have been NC for 5 weeks!  If I wasn't... .I would still be thinking too much, hurting, wondering.  Don't get me wrong... .I still think of her... .but it isn't the same way.  you know?  It's just... .eh... .hope she is ok.  I no longer think of her in a romantic way. 

Same here, I do not miss the rages one bit. Now, I am currently seeing this awesome chick. Last week on one of our dates, I dropped her off at her car. Well, it was cold out and I pulled to the parking spot on the right. What I should have done was pulled to the parking spot to the left she she can get out of my passanger seat and into her drivers seat. I know for a fact if I did that with my exBPDgf, it would have been hell. When I realized what I did, my heart stopped and I appologized. She looked at me like it wasn't a big deal. You know what, it wasn't a biggie. Talk about fleas, LOL!

My exBPDgf will never ben happy in life, NEVER! She is almost 25 and her life's priorities is one big hit_storm. She lived with her parents, no car and sold make up part time. She had the nerve to critisize me! And I am 26, just completed my second degree, have 2 nice cars and just got a house. She left me for someone who is in major debt, I guess had his car repo'ed and is 21. Last I heard, they got a place together and were getting married on Valentine's Day (next week) and have only been together for 3 months!

Honestly, the worst death you can ever give anyone is wishing the life long agony of suffering from BPD.

[anker]

I was happy when I was fooling myself about his capabilities and intentions. I was miserable most of it once I started to see what he was actually like.

[PotentiallyKevin]

Omg over youtube? I guess I shouldn't point fingers mine flipped out because my art was used in a magazine that a man I knew ... .not dated! A colleague!... .Was also printed in!

And I wasn't allowed to read that magazine... .youtube ... .but when you're in it you don't realize how weird some of the limits are... .

Exactly.

She also had a way to convince me that it was normal to sacrifice things for the relationship... .that all women were hyper-sensitive to nudity/sexuality/other women... .I was kinda raised in this environment so I tended to side with her and actually think that maybe I was in the wrong and should accept her feelings. But, of course it just got worse over time. First it was over anything pornographic, then it was nudity in movies, then it was joking about things sexual or talking about sex with anyone but her... .got to the point where i was afraid to watch any movie or video because I didn't know what content might pop up out of nowhere.

Slowly I was losing myself to her, my favorite book at the time was Choke by Chuck Palahnuik, which is about a sex addict and was chalked full of "inappropriate" content. She had a way of making me feel dirty and immoral for liking things like that... .yet here was a woman who had modeled nude for a photographer, added loads of "scantily dressed" guys (and girls) on her myspace and facebook, and had no problems watching movies with nudity - as long as i wasn't present. Also, she was extremely sexual with me, buying toys, kamasutra  books, etc and loved the fantasy of "getting caught." Such a double standard.

Sometimes she would set me up to fail. Like the time she bought my friend and I tickets to the movie Choke and then raged at me for going... .or the time Dane Cook was coming to town and asked me if I wanted to go to it... .I said I would but couldn't afford it. I spent the night in the dog house for daring to say that I would go to a Dane Cook concert.

Best thing is when she came home from a business trip in vegas, and showed me her pictures. One of them was a picture of her grabbing a male statues genitals, another was of her and her "friend" grabbing each other's breasts, another was posing in front of a strip club (she made it clear that if I ever went to a strip club, I was dead meat). When I called her out on it and asked her if I was allowed the same behaviors, she got upset and told me that I better not.

One last thing that I remember, is that she had a very "dirty" friend, that nonstop talked about her sex-life and how many guys she has "f'd over" and was extremely crude to the point of joking about an abortion she has had. It didn't phase her. But when my friend made a joke about a pornstar and I laughed... .Oh boy, did I have some apologizing to do... .

Whenever I would try to talk about the issues and how we could maybe find some common ground or resolution, she would respond with "Well if you TRULY love me, you will do this for me."

In my mind, I DID love her more than anything, so therefor I MUST do these for her. Such FOG... .I was so brainwashed.

[Colombian Chick]

This pretty much sums it up for me.  I have reflected a lot on this.  My reflections end up being a "no," I wasn't happy.  I became a mess being with him.  I lost myself.  I almost lost my job.  I tried very hard to make sure he was ok, and forgot to make sure that myself and my son were.

Did we have "some" good times?  Yes.  If the stars were aligned, his mood was ok, and a recent rage had left him with no immediate desire to fight with anyone, and anyone around him was agreeing with his opinions or whatever, then the evening may be good.  I can probably count those nice times on one hand over 18 months.  That is pitiful.  

The only difference in my story is that I did loose my job. The constant arguments in the night over me working overwhelmed me and even got me sick So I ended up quitting my job in order to get some peace in my home.

My xBPDbf would also be ok as long as things were being done the way he wanted. When we first started dating it was  AMAZING and I felt like I finally found someone I could trust. But as soon as we moved in together things began to change. He became moody, irretable, sensitive about everything I did and said. But most of the time I was happy, it was just difficult for me sometimes because I felt he was so sensitive and everything I did or said would hurt somehow.

[anker]

Not wanting your so to go to a strip club is one thing. Not wanting them to enjoy erotica or watch youtube... .is another

[misterfire17]

Does anyones BPD simply avoid fun at all costs? Also prohibit you from fun? I have experienced this and have reached the end of my petience. Some have talked about being lonely- how about isolated from the world unless it benefits them.

Sex is on her schedule- don't dare "try anything". It is when she says, how she says, and the duration she sets. I confronted my BPDw a few weeks ago related to the fact that she doesn't love me. She didn't repel the idea but as many of you know this can change in seconds.

[C2]

I see it on a graph: happiness as a function of time. As time on the x-axis progresses, happiness on the y-axis decreases. There would be, of course, a few ups and downs, but basically if you did a linear regression it would be a steadily decreasing value.

[Valentine09]

Does anyones BPD simply avoid fun at all costs? Also prohibit you from fun? I have experienced this and have reached the end of my petience. Some have talked about being lonely- how about isolated from the world unless it benefits them.

Sex is on her schedule- don't dare "try anything". It is when she says, how she says, and the duration she sets. I confronted my BPDw a few weeks ago related to the fact that she doesn't love me. She didn't repel the idea but as many of you know this can change in seconds.

Mine would make plans with me to do something fun, but would always find a way to ruin it.  Like we were supposed to go to dinner and then go play pool afterwards.  She showed up waaay late to dinner after I had waited for her for hours... .and she only lived 20 minutes away.  I was starving so much I went ahead and started eating and was just about done by the time she arrived.  Then when we went to play pool (this was the same evening), she's texting her ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend the whole time even after I tell her to put the phone away.  Completely ruined the evening.  I would have had a better shot at communicating with her by texting her.  And I had many more incidents like this.  In situations where nothing should normally interfere, she'd find something to interfere with it.  It was never peaceful and always kept me on edge.  It's a good thing I'm not violent, and I fear for her if she ever hooks up with someone who is.  

[kly]

I dated the BP a very short time.  And would say it was about 5% good--and the rest turmoil.  Thank goodness he was such a disaster that there was no question of trying to stick it out (I should have run at the first seven or eight dozen red flags the first week!)

Too bad he's still stalking.  

[whyme87]

First month great.90% good. After that my life was hell going behind my back telling lies,lived on her laptop,got pregnant on purpose by not taking her pill then decided to abort at 21 weeks.cut herself,hit me,and was lazy the whole time... .when it was good it was amazing but that was very rare.

She knew I was a push over.Even when we were mates she was always on/off with me.

One day you'd have a great day the next she'd ignore you... .she's really messed me up.

[Metta]

It was never about me, it was always about trying to prove to herself that SHE was wonderful, because deep down she feels like she is nothing, dirty, and horrible, and trying to FORCE others to see otherwise will never solve this. I believe that was the case, the gifts, admiration, and obsession, was really about trying to prove to herself that she was a good person, worthy of admiration of her own. But, her cup has a major hole in it, and the more people fill it up, the more it just leaks out.

Lightbulb moment. Wow. Switch the genders and this is my story.



My ex kept declaring that he needed to make our relationship work, he needed something to live for, ie a successful relationship. It didn't matter who I was, specifically. Even then, I knew this was a problem.

[Colombian Chick]

It was never about me, it was always about trying to prove to herself that SHE was wonderful, because deep down she feels like she is nothing, dirty, and horrible, and trying to FORCE others to see otherwise will never solve this. I believe that was the case, the gifts, admiration, and obsession, was really about trying to prove to herself that she was a good person, worthy of admiration of her own. But, her cup has a major whole in it, and the more people fill it up, the more it just leaks out.

Lightbulb moment. Wow. Switch the genders and this is my story.

Me too! Mine would do all of those things too. Sometimes I was confussed because I knew it was sweet but it was like he needed me to tell him that it was wonderful and praise him for it. So sometimes I felt like he really didn't care about getting me anything, it was more about me praising him.

Even when he kicked me out of the house, he fixed my computer, gave me a cell phone, and did some other things too. He told me "you are not even thanking me for those nice things I'm doing for you. I'm doing it because I'm a nice guy". WHAT! He had just kicked me and my kids out of our OWN house and he wanted me to thank him! F U! That's my thank you!

[Metta]

I dated the BP a very short time.  And would say it was about 5% good--and the rest turmoil.  Thank goodness he was such a disaster that there was no question of trying to stick it out (I should have run at the first seven or eight dozen red flags the first week!)

Too bad he's still stalking.  

I wonder if mine is stalking me. I don't think he'd hurt me, but he's done some odd things on other message boards and on Facebook that make me feel uncomfortable. I've blocked him in every way I can think of, but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so-to-speak.

[Metta]

F U! That's my thank you!

I love this line! Very funny.

[Beast98]

I think the happier we got, the more she would sabotage things. Like, we were great on vacation. But every time we got back, she'd break up within a week. And there were always other men on the periphery. And she made sure I knew they wanted her and what they had or were that was better than me. So I was always striving to be better. Of course nothing worked. Her love was ultra-conditional, which I don't think is that unusual even for those without BPD. But when the conditions change constantly, it'll just make your head spin.

There was a time, a couple of months before she left and nearly 3 years into the relationship... .It was the day after father's day and she took me out to dinner to celebrate. Awesome time! Then we got home, opened a bottle of good champagne, went in the hot tub for a while, then bedroom sports until 3 am. Really, the perfect night. I found out the following weekend that 20 minutes after I left for work the next morning, she was chatting on the computer with her exbf, letting him come on to her, giving him the number of the new cell phone I bought her, and planning to get together for lunch the next week. GRRRRR!

I have lots of those stories. There was no normal with her. 85% of the time, yes I'd say I was happy. She was everything I wanted in a woman. The other 15% I was completely miserable. She was an evil f'n tramp, capable of absolutely anything. Which was she going to be on any given day? I dunno... .Flip a coin.  ?

[kly]

Metta,

I have a good friend who's a judge who knows the situation and also spoke with the police in my town.  By the standards in my state, he's definitely met the threshhold for stalking. 

If you are fearful you need to keep records of what he has done in the event you ever need to take legal action.

[whyme87]

Beast i know exactly how you feel.She would make up going out with male friends to make me jealous.she'd say she still loves her exBF,she'd talk all day to lads on her laptop she'd make out I did not exist... .but when I dumped her she begged for me back and put all over the net her love for me.

She used this against me,i knew she had many male friends which i had no problem with,until i saw the lies about me and flirting.So naturally i questioned everything... .she'd then blame me for making her life hell and say I need to grow up.

She'd sure make me tell female friends I was in a relationship though.