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In a surprising move, I broke NC with my uBPDexgf. I sent a response to her "Happy Birthday" message and restated my boundaries--no contact--and a list of my reasons.

Here is a part of the email (which is most of it):

Maybe I ought to restate my wish to not be in contact. I do not hate you. I do not wish anything for you but happiness, good health, and a good life. And I care deeply for you. But considering everything that's happened between us, it's in my best interest to not be in one another's lives. If you were in my shoes, you might feel the same. Our relationship was an unhealthy, toxic one for me. And I'm not saying I'm without faults, insecurities, and issues--I just believe that my issues and your issues put together made for, in the end, a painful experience I do not want to repeat.

If you have any guilt over what transpired, I hope you can let it go. I am fine.

I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. And I'm sorry we met in a time in your life when a good relationship between us, as friends and lovers and

lifetime companions, was not possible. That's ultimately what I wanted. And I understand that this was not your desire. But, like you've said, I didn't deserve the ill-treatment and disrespect.

After everything that's happened between us, and because we've had this experience, I'm hopeful we will both be better people and learn to love in healthier, fulfilling ways. And I am grateful for our better times. But for many, and complex, reasons our relationship only brought us pain and (let's face it)

stupid ___ like jealousy, cheating, possessiveness, lies, love triangles, and a push/pull dynamic. Neither of us can afford to be in a relationship like that. And I'm just as at fault for participating.

So, to reiterate: let's agree again on no contact. I'm letting you go. We'll find better, stronger lives with others. We'll be okay.



To what end this email serves I do not know. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad, of course, I did not mention BPD or even what my life is like since the break-up, and I'm glad I didn't "go off" on her. (Though who knows what her perception of the email will be.) I was a bit worried I only opened up more opportunities for further contact, but I'm hopeful I appear rather certain and solid in my convictions.

Any feedback on how I handled this would be appreciated!

Hey K, Happy late birthday!  x

I read your other post but didn't comment on it.

I was just wondering, why did you felt the need to write these things to her? For what I've experienced thus far, ignoring someone after of course stating that we do not want to be in contact with that someone is quite a good method to reinforce that statement. I think you've handled it amazingly though, because if I were in your shoes I would probably fill my head with hopes again and the content of my e-mail would be to reinforce contact and not the other way around. It was very brave of you and if I were in her shoes, I would be mostly likely getting the message that I'm not welcome in your life anymore. But I don't know all the story and even if I knew, I'm neither of you two. I'm sorry if I'm saying foolish things, but my main comment is that I think it's important for you to figure why you felt the need to reinforce your own rule. Was it because of the emotions that the text has made you feel? Because you need to make yourself believe that it's truly over? Sorry again... .I hope I'm not making you feel even worst  x  x

Centella: no problem and no offense taken!

And you ask a great question. Why wouldn't not replying simply say the same thing, and why did I feel I needed to write the e-mail?

I'm hopeful I'll figure this out. My short answer now is that I'm still a bit in the "O" and "G" areas of F.O.G. And I feel a bit sorry for her. And for what it's worth, I felt like I needed to express why I do not want to be in contact. And maybe I needed to let her know that I do not take what she's done lightly.

But it is amazing how we still feel guilt despite their betrayal.

I don't know.

I do know, however, that she's not all "bad" and that she has some huge issues to overcome. So maybe I still feel some obligation to respond out of that?

Thanks for the questions!

Its really hard for you dude. We have all been there and felt it. Damn its tough. I think most of us find early NC very difficult. Especially when the first emails are usually pleasant and harmless responses (surely they can't be re-engages, may be she really does just want to talk and make sure I'm ok !). I try hard not to reply then sure enough the wheel turns, the next cycle clicks in and the emails show a little more irritation, then it becomes an all out assault(without me saying anything). Anger, slings and arrows, accusations and abuse, thermonuclear warheads.Its always the same. I just got used to the fact that NC would eventually be followed by a re-engagement which would always be followed by an all out assault. It made the NC easier to handle. The other thing that helped (especially if I got a couple of nice emails in a row) was to think what would happen if I sent a reply she didn't agree with. A request for extra time with the kids, telling her I was catching up with an old school friend (one she didn't like, which wasn't hard cos she didn't like any of my old friends), then the wheel would turn. I would watch it happen in amazement. Her happy emails would turn sour. Almost like clockwork. Then I would imagine that happening without even sending my reply. Suddenly NC seemed a lot easier to cope with.

No problem, I feel like I've started the fire and left you alone to put it out... .

You will figure things out. I know I do feel the need to reinforce my decision. And I do know that I feel guilty. Mainly when I remember that there's a loving creature beneath all that chaos. So it's normal that we need to remember ourselves every once in a while of our motivations. A theory might be that since we feel that we might end up breaking our determination, we do all we can to make them go away and never come back, so we never feel tempted. I wrote a letter to my ex, ending the relationship completely and 2 days later I ended up writing things that I knew that would make him disappear forever. Why? Because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to keep my resolve, and so I've placed the responsibility of disappearing on him. Because now I don't have the option to break NC, or I do but he won't answer, and it kind of makes it easier for me. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, everything is still too blurred. But for what I read on the starting NC area, I did a good job, he things I'm nuts and he'll never come back :)

You feel guilty because you as a loving human being will always empathize with the pain of others. And as you know of her issues, you feel the need to help her. And maybe you will someday, you never know. On a time when you are not emotionally involved with her and have the tools and strength to do so, but until then, don't worry more for her than you do for yourself. I'm sure you know all this :) I hope you find your answers and feel better soon.

You sent what you sent, Kenneth.   It was just an email, and it said what you needed it to say.  If you meant it, then you can stay away from her if she actually is trying to draw you back in.  

Was the response necessary?  A "Thank you" or even the lovely, poetic "TY" would have been a less dramatic choice.  But you had things to say, and I think it's okay to say them.  That's actually an upside of these technological doohickeys - you get to have your well-considered say if you choose, and the other person gets to ignore & delete it if they choose.  The lack of verbal contact means everyone gets to speak and everyone gets to ignore, unlike during actual conversations!   Just realize that she might see the email as preachy, or critical, or further rejection, or some call to arms, because of her own distorted perceptions.  By that email, you gave the negative feelings a substrate to grow on, and there may be consequences if she needs to have the last word.

Now this is it, right?  You meant what you said in the email?  Or was some part of you hoping to re-engagement her?

I don't like to nitpick people's words, but... . So, to reiterate: let's agree again on no contact

No Contact is your choice, not hers.  To ignore or not get too triggered by a Happy Birthday is up to you.  Agreement doesn't really come into it.

How are you feeling right now?  Has she responded?  :)o you need to read her response if she sends one or can you block that email?

  Mousse

Good one, Mousse. Plus everything else you said- it was spot on and excellent advice.

Kenneth, I have to say, your email was like removing a Do Not Disturb sign from a ticking time bomb. Then you went and kicked the bomb a little.

Here's how she possibly sees it:

Maybe I ought to restate my wish to not be in contact.  ( Maybe says there's still a chance!)

I do not hate you. (You still love me.)

I do not wish anything for you but happiness, good health, and a good life.

(Happiness, good health, and a good life are exactly what you have to give me, but to remind me that I dont have them feels like you are deliberately withholding them from me- cant you give me another chance?)

And I care deeply for you.  (You love me.)

But considering everything that's happened between us, it's in my best interest to not be in one another's lives. (You are abandoning me like I always knew you would- you dont love me.)

If you were in my shoes, you might feel the same.

(I dont have empathy- you must realize that this statement is like speaking Chinese to me)

Our relationship was an unhealthy, toxic one for me.  (understood- but it was all your fault)

And I'm not saying I'm without faults, insecurities, and issues--I just believe that my issues and your issues put together made for, in the end, a painful experience I do not want to repeat.  (So you're blaming me again for this?)

If you have any guilt over what transpired, I hope you can let it go. I am fine. (Why would I feel guilty? This is all your fault)

I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. (My pain is nothing compared to the pain you're going to have if I can help it. This is all your fault)

And I'm sorry we met in a time in your life when a good relationship between us, as friends and lovers and lifetime companions, was not possible. That's ultimately what I wanted.  (So you're blaming me now? What about bad timing in your life?)

And I understand that this was not your desire.

But, like you've said, I didn't deserve the ill-treatment and disrespect.  (It's not all my fault. Somehow we gave it to each other. YOU KEPT COMING BACK FOR MORE... .Why do you keep asking for it?)

After everything that's happened between us, and because we've had this experience, I'm hopeful we will both be better people and learn to love in healthier, fulfilling ways. And I am grateful for our better times. (uh huh, you're backtracking... .you still want me.)

But for many, and complex, reasons our relationship only brought us pain and (let's face it) stupid ___ like jealousy, cheating, possessiveness, lies, love triangles, and a push/pull dynamic. Neither of us can afford to be in a relationship like that. And I'm just as at fault for participating. (of course you're at fault- I've been telling you that all along)

So, to reiterate: let's agree again on no contact. I'm letting you go. We'll find better, stronger lives with others. We'll be okay. (So, you're saying I have a chance?)

Has she responded?  Do you need to read her response if she sends one or can you block that email?

Or if you want to read it, can you take her words at face value, not read hope or subtle attacks or anything else into it?   If there are actual attacks in it, can you see them for what they are - words of a person who has many demons that you can't fight for her?  Can you wish her well in your head and move on with your wellness?

Yikes - that's a lot of questions  ;p   I guess I'm just curious about where you are right now with all this  x

Thanks for all the questions, Mousse. As for where I am now with all this, I was actually feeling better for having sent it--I felt like I left things better than I did when I originally began NC (and said things I needed to say) and that I reasserted boundaries. But this morning, especially after having read your and 2010's responses, I feel as though the email might have be couched in mixed messages. Perhaps it's a "flea"!

It's very possible I'm in denial about my email. Rather than reasserting boundaries, I've merely re-engaged her (which might be exactly what she wanted).

But I haven't been anxious about all this or weeping or on a furious edge. I am, though, considering deeply the healing I still have left to do.

I'm not expecting a return email. But, then again, she may want "the last word," and I must be careful not to continue all this.

As for where I am now with all this, I was actually feeling better for having sent it--I felt like I left things better than I did when I originally began NC (and said things I needed to say) and that I reasserted boundaries.

Good! This is healthy  :)

But this morning, especially after having read your and 2010's responses, I feel as though the email might have be couched in mixed messages. Perhaps it's a "flea"!

It's very possible I'm in denial about my email. Rather than reasserting boundaries, I've merely re-engaged her (which might be exactly what she wanted).  

It's your head... not mine, or your ex's or anyone else's... .don't worry about fleas or what we may be seeing that you don't.  I'm just giving my own take on this, which may not be true for you.  

IMO... .How about just acknowledging that you wish this could have played out differently?  That you miss the good, and you wish you could re-write the ugly into something more dignified?  That if you could conceivably have a cordial friendship with the likeable version you knew, you would.  That it stinks that there's a person on this planet you loved who you now cannot talk to.  

In the context of those thoughts, it makes sense that you would want to send an email saying the things you didn't say before... .and that some part of you would hope for a magical transformation, or at least a willingness on her part to work with you.  It doesn't mean you are screwed up or weak.  It means you are like every other person in the history of the world who has loved and lost.

We must validate our own feelings, not just those of the people close to us.  

Nothing wrong with wanting.  It's when the wanting takes over, and pushes you into the doing despite the cold hard facts  :)  You are going to wish every once in a while, and eventually the wishing will fade into a lesson learned that you apply to a new relationship.  You are a lovely man, Kenneth.  Keep being nice to yourself.

  Mousse

Thank you, Mousse.

And if there is one thing that has been clear to me the past few days it's that I do not want to go back to such a toxic relationship.

Hi Kenneth


I think your email was clearly sincere, and heartfelt and perhaps you needed to articulate your feelings to her and I think it is great that you were able to do that, and you felt good that you were able to.

It is an acute reminder to me about how difficult the ending of these relationships can be, love and loss are inextricably bound of course, in the context of experiences here the gravity of both is truly profound to reconcile.

You did great  |iiii

Sandyb

I really appreciate your words, sandyb. Thank you.

Kenneth:

You wrote what you had to write about your feelings. How does it feel now ? DO you feel that the letter served as a closure for you ?

As long as you are at PEACE with who you are and where you are heading, then you are OK. I wrote my long letter but never send it. The process of going back through my memory to recall the craziness and the negative feelings I had, helped me bring the relationship to a closure - NO REGRETS. I did not feel that I needed to have the last word with her, which was hard to by not trying to have the last word, I became a stronger person. I let my compassion reign, instead of my ego.

Thanks for posting this, Kenneth, and for inviting feedback -- I think it can be cathartic (in the best sense) to those of us who've debated sending such a message.

But of course there's the big variable -- no 2 situations being the same.  You know the relationship better than anyone here would.

As in your posts here, I hear your integrity and honesty in the message to her, with a deep commitment to your own self-examination and healing.

 

May the coming year be bright.

Thanks again for all your responses: innerspirit, OnceConfused, Mousse, sandyb, 2010, littledoggy, and Centella. A brand new Cadillac for all of you!

What's been on my mind today is the way human beings close themselves off from one another. Being a professor of Literature, among other things, I find myself asking this question to my students often (such a question is deeply ingrained in Literature)--and, certainly, this question never becomes as prominent or important as in the abusive relationship and in our relationships with our BPD partners. And a question that springs from that one is how we can then open ourselves up, whether to other people or in our minds or through our experience and perceptions.

OnceConfused brings an interesting take to the discussion:


I think, first, of something Linus said to Charlie Brown: "Life is full of regrets, Charlie Brown." And I tend to believe that our relationships with BPD's in particular are frothed-over with regrets and leave us in a peculiar position of having to realize that "closure" (if such a thing is ever possible) may comes in forms we do not immediately recognize.

Secondly, I think of the ego. Can we ever rid ourselves of ego? To even say, "I let my compassion reign" is, in itself, a function of the ego. That is, to say we're compassionate can be egotistical, another way of trying to place ourselves higher than others. (It can be, anyway.) And what do we do with the ego? It's a Catch-22: if we respond, we do so out of the ego; if we don't respond, we do so out of ego. And can we find a middle (or new) path?

If there were no regrets, if we were fully capable of forgiveness, we would be able to have our BPD partners in our lives no matter what. Is the act of true compassion to set them free, to keep them out of our lives? Is the act of compassion to no longer engage them because we know our own limitations when dealing with them?

(One can see why Christianity warns against the passions; they so often cause suffering in one form or another.)

But: I have closed myself off from my ex. It's ironic that the course of action we believe is the best, understanding and forgiveness, becomes in a BPD relationship, the very thing that undoes the relationship.

Is the act of compassion to no longer engage them because we know our own limitations when dealing with them?

I think you're onto something there.  At some point, you realize you are both hurting each other (probably unintentionally on the Non's part), and can't seem to find a way to stop.  After all, it is intimacy that hurts and frightens pwBPD.  Disengagement is the kindest thing in those situations.  Even if you learn the tools, learn the language, if the pwBPD's pain of being vulnerable with you is greater than the pain of losing you, then the situation won't get better.  They have to be willing to meet you in the middle (or somewhere close).

It's ironic that the course of action we believe is the best, understanding and forgiveness, becomes in a BPD relationship, the very thing that undoes the relationship.  

The appearance of those things do usually come when it's over, and they are experienced alone, rather than shared among two human beings who have shared everything else.  It is very sad.

That was one of the last things I said to my exBPD that being caring got me into this mess in the first place, and it undid our relationship. Its why she chose me, my compassion and willingness to fit in with her (now looking back at it) bizarre set of circumstances. There cant really be many people willing to take on such a woman.

Im not yet at the stage where I can hypothesise about the finer points of why I act in manner A or B, the hurt is too great, compassion has no place for me ATM only looking after myself and getting past this experience. How I deal with her in future once free of this will fall under this category.

So well said, Mousse!

And, yes, Turtlesoup, these relationships are so so painful all around.

Kenneth,

The e-mail has been sent & it's already out there. I totally get where you are coming from by sending it & I can see that you had very good intentions & meant well with it. Part of me even wishes I could sent one to my exBPDgf but it's far too late for that.

My concern would be based on what 2010 posted. People with BPD most likely won't process your e-mail normally. I feel that I could send an e-mail like that to almost all of my exes... .except my exBPDgf. Because of her illness, she would just distort it, twist it, mis-perceive it to use it to whatever she was impulsively feeling at the time. If she hated me that day, then she would perceive it as an example of how evil I am. If she missed me for that split second, then she would perceive it as my way of trying to somehow win her back. I hope that your ex doesn't do something similar. From my experience, any contact with an exBPD is such a slippery slope as they can be so unpredictable & impulsive. I hope that know real damage has been done & I doubt it if you haven't received anything back yet. What worked for me was writing stuff down, then throwing it out. It felt great to get it out of my head & on paper. I'm not sure what your experience was like with your exBPD, but when we were dating I could never convince my exBPDgf to accept ANY of her responsibility or accountability or even to just simply to agree to disagree. I wouldn't even bother to engage with her now - why would she somehow try to understand anyone else's feelings or opinions? She ignored every single boundary I ever tried to establish when we dated, writing about them now would be meaningless to her. Hopefully you'll have better luck with your exBPD.

-NHBB

Kenneth, just curious, how long have you been NC?

I'd been five months NC before sending the email a few days ago, WhyMe.

NHBeachBum: Maybe I've been out of the BPD experience long enough to forget how twisted our best intentions can be perceived.

I feel like I'm re-learning lessons: 1) Forgiveness and understanding pushes the BPD away. 2) We're just as pulled in by drama as they are.

Do you have the sense that your definition of closure is changing?  A big lesson has been digging deeper into some sort of serenity prayer --- to discern between acceptance of the unchangeable (at least by me), and responsibilty to the changes that can be made inside.  And dismissing the notion of unfairness, a feeling of entitlement to apologies, etc.



  I remember a satire in THE ONION about two Zen masters pitted against one another, each bragging that he was the "serenest."

But seriously, isn't the ego part of what makes us who we are?  Maybe a middle way allows for the ego to be there, but so that it doesn't monopolize our decision-making.  A friend told me a Quaker saying:  "all things in moderation, including moderation."


I find this a troubling statement -- maybe it's just where I'm at in my own recovery right now.  It doesn't seem to consider the human responsibility on both sides, to ourselves as well as others.  For me it runs dangerously close to denial, or a moral quest at our own expense.


This resonates truer with me.


I'm not familiar with the warning, but I'd prefer that to be a discussion for another time, on the spiritual board.


Well, that can be understanding and forgiveness in the form of staying in a toxic relationship -- or in the form of leaving and NC, which is perceived as abandonment.  And in that, my ego has struggled between my own health and self-respect vs. X's threats, how difficult my life would be and how he'd trash my reputation.

Just some thoughts... .

You're absolutely right, innerspirit. And I think our lives in general present us with experiences that are different from what we might expect: what love is, what relationships should be like, etc. That is, perhaps we're so conditioned by media to expect (or desire) something that doesn't exist. At the end of the television show, or at the end of the Hollywood film, the protagonist has gained "closure" and moves on, but reality is a lot different from that.

And I think you're right about accepting that we cannot change (or control) others. And I like that you mention we ought to rethink our expectations in regards to needing apologies, etc. I mean, what would make all this "right" in the end? They come back to us and are the people we want them to be.



I don't agree with it either. I think it's unrealistic to expect that we're that strong or that capable of forgiving.



Me, too.

Kenneth,

I always have to remind myself that ANY possible interaction with my exBPDgf is NEVER about me - ALWAYS about her. Our best intentions will most likely never be communicated in the way that we wanted. My exBPDgf has continually proved the fact that she is easily the most selfish people I have ever met. Many mutual friends have agreed as well so I know it's not just me. Given that, I would have to "de-code" any potential communications like 2010 had done. It's really sad if you think about how difficult even the most simple, honorable notes can be when dealing with a BPD.

-NHBB

This sums up a thought I had this past week that was gnawing at me, Mousse. Thank you for articulating that so beautifully.  x

In solidarity,

Leroy Brown

Yes. Right on!

Ditto! I so miss the man I thought I knew, the relationship I thought I had... .

Let us be hopeful that, with time away from our BPD ex-partners and as we move on into our lives, this all gets easier.

Ugh. I am not as far out as you. I've been waking up at 2am or so (and 4 and 6). At 2:30 I sent him an email telling him I missed him. He has not responded. Don't know why I thought he would, when I of course gave me the courtesy of responding to his emails, texts and calls when he walked out on me. Hurts like hell, don't it?

Hope you have a good day!

Try to hang in there, WhyMe. And it ain't easy, but be strong and try not to contact him with "I miss you" messages. If our goal is to disengage, such messages can't help our situations. It's not easy!

Meanwhile, has he responded? How are you doing today?

I had a horrible day (I posted in Level 6 "Continued support" thread and I had another post called Help! probably in Undecided this morning - I was trying NOT to recontact him). He didn't respond to the email but he did to another text later. I am really not sure where I fit in the disengaging role at the moment, I still fluctuate. I have done so much thinking (because with him at a distance, I actually CAN think) that I am now seeing my own role in the madness, and how that affected him at times, and yes, with that is no F, little G and probably mostly O

I am feeling more at peace tonight though, for some odd reason. Hope your day was ok.  x

Glad you're feeling better this evening. Maybe we just get too exhausted from all this and, as a result, we begin to come to our senses.

My day was okay: keeping busy!

Thanks for checking in!

 |iiii   x

Whyme/Kenneth,

I remember when I was first going through the break up phase wanting to write my exBPDgf or text her. What seemed to work for me was writing it down on paper - then I threw it out. It was out of my head, I felt better, & because I trashed it there was no damage done. I never wrote it down electronically - it would be too tempting to e-mail.  

Hope today is better for you than yesterday. Stay strong.

-NHBB