BPDFamily.com

Granted my ex is udBPD, but I would bet money that she is, and, if not, some other form of cluster b.

I wanted to throw this out there because I keep reading on the boards about how they always make attempts at coming back into our lives.  I have been 8 months NC and firmly believe she's gone for good.  However, the moment she tries I will admit to it here and correct myself.

True enough, I think allot of it has to do with "enabling" the cycle. IE; if they can find some other place to get their needs met. Yea you won't hear back from them.

Precisely.

I heard some with stronger NPD traits never come back... Once the wall is up, they are gone for good.

Good point, one which I believe applies to my ex.  And, in a way, I think it says something positive about myself.  I think she sensed that, despite the fog I was in at the time, I simply was not going to back down from my logical, rational approach to life, something that didn't mesh well with her impulsive, unrealistic, grandiose lifestyle. 

I have been wondering the same thing recently after 6 months since the "vanishing."   I had gotten the impression from many posts that a pwBPD was very likely to "bounce back" at any given moment.  I guess part of the reason that I am mildly suprised that she hasn't tried to come back is because I have no idea what triggered her to disappear (and as far as I know it is not someone new).   

I find it confusing because I was extremely kind, hard working, together, smart, and stable in comparison to her previous bfs.  I think it is very odd that I would be totally cut out of her life when "somehow" the old bfs always seemed to get ther number and try to call, leave messages etc... .Part of it may be that I made it very clear that she needed to get help with BPD and I did not want her in my life if she would not work take meds and get therapy after she disappeared for 8 weeks (I also previously said that about 1 year ago before I knew anything about BPD when I just thought she had severe depression - she understood then). 

I think that the lack of "bounce back" comes from: 1)  I asked her to speak to her therapist about BPD to get help 2) I learned and then gave her as much info on BPD, depression, cutting, etc... .as I could buy 3)  I told her I was getting help because it was too hard to handle alone 4) I made pretty bulletproof arguements about why I thought she had BPD and how it affected me 4) she owes me money (big) 5) she hates to argue or have disagreements 6) she knows I don't want to go back to the way it was.

She said that I would never understand about 9 months ago when I first brought up BPD, I did not believe it at the time - now I know that I truly don't and won't ever understand.

I would have thought that her knowing that I could see right thru her game would have made her

run and not return. 

I won't say that they all come back,  but 6-8 months is a very short time frame.  Don't count them out.  In my case I had a uBPDex come back after 16 years.  Another ex (the most BPD and classic) came back after a year and a half,  and the most recent has never left.  We remain LC due to a child,  but her tactics changed and she is full on wanting "us" back. 

Each one of these girls knows that i've seen them for who they are.  They know that I did the research,  talk on here and have been to a counselor.  It didn't sway them. 

My case may be unique,  but they have returned. 

Keep up the NC.  Don't compromise your standards or limits. 

Mine... .18 months before first contact... .then 3 months... .then a month... .then 6 months... .now it has been almost a year... .When she ended it she said that her love for me was different and that she never wanted to see or talk to me again... .go figure... .I should add that I have never responded to any off her attempts at re-engagement. Why would I... .she never wanted to see or talk to me again... .right |iiii

eng123, not sure if this is true for all people with BPD but I think it really doesnt matter how nice of a guy you were - how good looking, how polite and thoughtful or how much you try to help either. It's all about them.

My ex uBPD seemed to never get his mind of himself and his needs. Nothing I could ever do or say would touch him. When you're in the middle of it, it makes you doubt your value as a human being - at least it did for me. I felt like a disposable doll. (still do)

I kind of wonder if part of them hates us for being so kind and good to them when they are so crappy to us. /shrug

Thats a pretty impressive list of trying to set boundaries and enabling her to seek help  |iiii

Its probably easier to move on, with someone new, who doesn't have the same level of insight. Then, you can pretend the problem doesn't exist, until the crash happens. Again.

DD - I thought the same thing, my uBPDexgf disappeared and went 100% NC for almost a year and is just now trying to engage via email... .so I think you never know when but if the need strikes them they will reach out.

Don't wish for it as I am still REALLY in an epic internal struggle about what if anything I should do or say in response.  One thing is for sure the longer the timeframe the more of a surprise that contact is... .I remember seeing her name in my email inbox and just being rocked... .

Stay strong and be at peace with NC as it really does help one move forward and not back.

I think missing them when they leave cold turkey does hurt.

IT IS WHAT MAKES US NORMAL.

I have been left before, cold turkey, just like that. Shiza, did that hurt.

I took me a months to get over her and we had just one INTENSE week.

I still think about her everyonce and awhile. And yes, NC helped me move forward, not backwards, I'm with Newstart on that one.

I don't think she was BPD, just didn't like me anymore, bummer.

If a BPD leaves us and doesn't come back, then whew, we will grieve normally and move on.  I am SOO ready to grieve normally and move on.

And her sweetness lures me right back in... .Maybe one. More. Hit... .

ugh... .

I had 15 intensive months to ponder what was happening. I was told to leave her at 6 months and again at 11 months and finally at 15 months. She bounced back after one week the first time and then 5 weeks the second time but now she is going to divorce me. I guess it takes 6 months in the state I live in the file for a non violent type divorce.

What I can't figure out is why I am so empty inside? She is not a very pretty lady, She is not sexually seductive. She is not anything but a needy person, but why am I so needy? IS that normal?

I should be happy to get rid of her, but I am not? I guess I need psychiatric help to over come this feeling of loss! I wish I knew why?

 Why do women who have been abused keep returning to their abusive husbands etc ... .  intermittent reinforcement.

The time frames vary greatly.  Also the comorbidity of other PDs can effect the chance that they return, but mostly as mentioned earlier it's dependent upon their needs getting met. If they are then they don't need you. If they aren't getting their honeymoon "love" they come back to you to create drama and use you as a placeholder until they can find a new target.

They also typically don't return if they know you know about their BPD.

Hey man, you may or may not need psychiatric help, but the reason why? It is because you are normal man.

It is normal to feel loss and to grieve and to be confused.

That's why man

Hey man, you may or may not need psychiatric help, but the reason why? It is because you are normal man.

It is normal to feel loss and to grieve and to be confused.

That's why man


Thanks for listening and telling me the truth. Sometimes I think we men are like dumb dogs. Just pat us on the head and say to us "nice boy", and we are happy as a pig in slop!

And most importantly,

You are not alone.

Not even a little bit. Sorry that sounds trite.

Most people can't even begin to understand our situation. We can. We've been there. Some of us are still on that rollercoaster, reeling, wondering, why can't we get off.

Its nice to look down the train and see others that think the EXACT same thing we do.

And its even BETTER to see others OFF the train and come here to share with us.

Peace to you brother.

It seems to me that if the man has the BPD in the relationship they most likely seem to have a heavy dose of NPD with it and I think they view their SO as a possession and will make a quicker attempt to make contact. But if the woman has the BPD in the relationship and she is the one to leave chances are she has a backup plan in place and probably won't make an attempt to reconnect until that relationship has problems or it doesn't supply all her needs. Conversely if  the SO leaves the woman with BPD she has abandonment issues triggered quicker and will make more dramatic attempts to keep you close. IMHO

Hmmm... .good topic.

My ex being what I believe to be a combo uBPD/NPD did both.  SHE came back twice with what I know now where empty apologies, as we have all learned due to her needs!  Silly me believed her      Each time we broke up was because I stood my ground and questioned her behavior wanting to know why she was treating /speaking to me the way she did.  Bam, done, raging mind f@@k roller coaster ride what the hell just happened conversation.

Anyway, now I believe she is gone for good, as soon as I mentioned the Cluster B stuff and told her exactly what I thought... .bbbvvvtttt black as black can be :)   I am a little over 1 yr out and 8 months solid no contact. And not a peep from her... .although as I was typing this my phone rang twice and stopped ?  I don't have call display on my home phone.  :)

Who knows, but in my opinion, when they realize that they can't get any more out of you... .they are gone.  Thank God |iiii

Just a thought, the last few weeks what i have noticed on the many re-engagements. I am sure she misses me, that is a part of it. But, I notice she keeps bringing up a control dynamic, almost a game. She asks, of " I am willing to play by her rules?". I think she is seeing how far she can push me, if she can push me far enough it might be worth her time? She wants me to support her treatment, but she talks about how she doesn't want to go? I am pretty much at a loss with it, the thought process is just not rational.

100% agree with this... .he has never tried once... .and we were married and still need to finalise divorce... .its all good by me!

Never forget that this disorder is news to you while the Borderline has had it since the age of 3. She's watched and mirrored people closely in order to survive and much of that behavior includes passive aggression.

Borderlines define reality by what they know and what they believe and then what they do about it. For the most part, the one way to use what little power they think they have is to do less than 50% of the social interaction when they feel persecuted. (and they always feel persecuted)

None of this has to do with you- even though it feels like it. You are just a stand-in for someone else who lives psychically inside their mind. They will not respond or reach out to you because the disorder demands that they feign impotence and incompetence (masochism)- and this simulation insures your involvement as a person that is always working hard to "help" them. When they quit on you they've turned you intrapsychically into a person who finds fault, criticizes and basically becomes an unpleasant person with faulty leadership, one who exudes bullying (a sadist)... .exactly like their parent.

Borderline and Narcissism are closely related but different in how they perceive other people. Borderlines are you will ":)o-Me" people while Narcissists are I will ":)o-You." Both have hidden agendas.

interesting and good analyses!

My experience was different.  Although it was ten years later that he divorced his second wife, I found out from his mother after his death that he had talked with her about getting back together with me.  And even 20 years after we divorced, he tried to contact me.  So don't let your guard down.  They never do.

It appears that  you are a  magnet for BPDs.  ?

2010: Are narcissists and BPds attracted to each other? My exBPDgf kept accusing me of being a narcissist.

My ex accused me of being a narcissist as well.  I denied it at the time, because I felt like she was attacking me, but after months of learning am wondering if maybe I'm a passive narcissist.  I have no desire to control people against their will, to mindf#ck them, and I don't look at people as objects.

Freckles-i liked your quote-"I kind of wonder if part of them hates us for being so kind and good to them when they are so crappy to us". I was w/ a 40 year old man who told me his mother was happy I was not w/ him because I was not good for him. The guy has never been married, no kids, and a series of bad relationships! Guess mom was right---shrug

Match made in Heaven, and I'll tell you why. The Narcissist develops a grandiose false self to prove his existence. This false self "subsumes" other people under the umbrella of his grandiosity. The Narcissist objectifies and acquires other people to serve as extensions of himself. These other people are to behave as right arms of his personality, to adore and provide attention and to serve as repositories of past glory- in case his narcissistic supply (attention from others) gets low.

The Borderline, on the other hand, has no grandiose false self- she's never been allowed it- except to mirror it back to someone else -OR- in offering something absolutely unique to the Narcissist which the Narcissist cannot obtain anywhere else. No grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden fantasy.

In his book , Malignant Self Love, Sam Vaknin describes an inverted narcissist: (IMO, the same can be said of BPD)

1) Possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth. Her sense of self-worth does not fluctuate. It is rather stable – but it is very low. Whereas the narcissist devalues others – she devalues herself as an offering, a sacrifice to the narcissist. She is compelled to filter all of her narcissistic needs through the primary narcissist in her life. Independence or personal autonomy are not permitted. She feels amplified by the narcissist's running commentary (because nothing can be accomplished by her without the approval of a primary narcissist in her life (the stand-in for the parent)

2) Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of an ideal of love but only with a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or accomplishments through.

3) Believes that she is absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e., worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasized ideal) and that no one at all could understand her because she is innately unworthy of being understood. She becomes very agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded from the human race. The "righteous sense of being properly excluded" comes from the sadistic Superego in concert with the "overbearing, externally reinforced, conscience."

A sense of worthlessness is typical of many other PDs (as well as the feeling that no one could ever understand them). The narcissist himself endures prolonged periods of self-devaluation, self-deprecation and self-effacement. This is part of the Narcissistic Cycle. In this sense, she is a partial narcissist. She is permanently fixated in a part of his narcissistic cycle, (self loathing) never to experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and sense of entitlement *except when attached to the Narcissist*

4) Lacks empathy. Is intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to her own need to perform the required self-sacrifice, which in turn is necessary in order for her to obtain her sense of self.

5) WAIF and HERMIT Borderlines: Envy others. Cannot conceive of being envied and becomes extremely agitated and uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where comparison might occur. Loathes competition and avoids competition at all costs, if there is any chance of actually winning the competition, or being singled out.

6) Displays extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is publicly self-effacing in the extreme. QUEEN BORDERLINE:  is internally highly moralistic and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages in lengthy ritualistic behaviours, which can never be perfectly performed (obsessive-compulsive, though not necessarily to the full extent exhibited in Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder).

Envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes. When her sense of self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an event, when her lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is threatened. Thus, she might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.

…When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.

…When her pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful world.

…When she comes across stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry – it is these qualities in herself that she really fears and rejects so vehemently in others.

…When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature.

…When she realises to what extent her inner demons possess her, constrain her life, torment her, deform her and the hopelessness of it all. (annihilation)

When she rages, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She uncannily spots and attacks the vulnerabilities of her target, and mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects her adversary.

The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. She regrets her behaviour. She nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this repressed self-contempt and sadistic self-judgement that her rage springs forth.

The Narcissist and the Borderline become a self supporting symbiotic system. The Cluster B groupings are very similar to each other but one creates a false self to succeed and the other creates a false self to sacrifice.

What's important here is that even if you are NOT a Narcissist- a Borderline PD will assume you are one. That's because your sense of SELF is needed to attach to- and BPD is an attachment disorder. Your self will be mirrored and used and eventually fragmented by her behavior.

www.samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html (http://www.samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html)

New Start:

Have you thought about blocking the email so you never see the attempts... .with gmail it will auto delete an address you block.  And Verizon wireless has free spam controls now that will block texting and calls for free.  ?  It is a deeper commitment of NC when you do that--- and I imagine it could push another stage of grieving. 

Thus, she might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.

This is interesting because my ex would tell me he did not like for me to compliment him or say sweet things. I found that really odd.

Confusedmale:  If traumatic things occurred within the relationship there is also the possibility that you have traumatically bonded to her or developed a betrayal bond. Heard of Stockholm Syndrome?  www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html (http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html)  At this page they review a book about Betrayal Bonding if you think this applies to you.  When my precipitous separation occurred I was traumatically bonded.  I believe developing outside emotional support is so critical to lifting the FOG and being able to feel healthy anger and outrage--- and keep on moving on.  I was enmeshed---  and emotionally isolated.   Perhaps some therapy time would be good---  it might help you create a healthy shift for you.  :)

I believe my former BPD friend and former co-worker has enough of a narcissistic streak - self-loathing mixed with cockiness - that she won't contact me again. Fingers crossed.

2010: Good to know how narcissism plays into the NC thing.

I've never heard of the inverted narcissist, but I saw some of those traits - anger over a kind remark was the weirdest.

For about two decades I have known this pwBPD and another woman, who is, IMO, a narcissist and someone I still observe because she now works in my office! We once all worked in the same place. Fascinating stuff. I think the BPD and NPD got along because there was no depth and no reflection on either side, so they both felt safe with simple cheery email exchanges.

If the NP got out of line with overly snotty entitlement or delegating work, the BP would lash out, satisfying the NP's need to provoke and the BPD's need to verbally let off steam, and the relationship would re-set. The symbiotic system only fell apart after NPD trash talked about the BPD and it got back to her.

Me - finally finally - standing my ground with my BPD friend and frefusing to fight, a reminder of a rigid childhood, could be seen as narcissistic injury. I'm the grownup and she's hurt. Disarmed, she no longer had the upper hand.

HEARTBROKEN: I totally forgot about this trait of my exN/BPD, but it really stood out to me as well.  When I would compliment, or show empathy/caring, she always felt I was up to no good, tricking/lying to her.  Very frustrating.

Letitgo ...

Maybe they get angry because when they are being "Nice" to us it was probably them being uP to "NO GOOD " ... Who really knows with these people - Best to not have them around at all -

Long Distance

The few times he'd rage at me outwardly he would say to me "it's always all about f'ing you".  At countless - and I mean countless - times when he wasn't "raging" but instead judging and criticizing me but dressing it up in a nice tone he would say to me "it's always all about you".     Truth is, which I now allow myself to admit, nearly all of the time it really wasn't hardly ever about me - we were always doing things he wanted to do, always watching shows he wanted to watch yada yada yada yet he could recall absolutely none of that more often than not.  I always was puzzled why he'd say in response to me having a different interest "well, perhaps we shouldn't be together".  I jest not, that was the standard response dare I even have a tendency to like something he didn't.

Hurtful at the time?  Absolutely.  Now, it's just starting to make me feel a bit angry at having sucked it up for so long.  Shame on me for that, but live and learn I guess... .

LongDistance: Exactly!  They're projecting, right?

Wow... .and I thought I was the only one that had this happen to me?  |>

When my ex udBPDgf would drive on the highways down here in SoCAL I'd always say ":)rive Safely" or "Have a Safe Drive". Many times I'd say this during a rainy day (when traffic in California can be very dangerous). I meant this out of my desire to express deep caring and concern for her well-being. Afterall, I wasnt worried about her driving but rather those wreckless people around her out on the roads!

She ALWAYS got very angry with me for saying these things to her. She'd accuse me of saying that I didnt think she knew how to drive! And  eventually she wanted me to stop saying that to her or she'd hang-up the phone! Heck?

I never knew a person would get upset becuase another person wished them well!

Wils70: I can totally relate to the "it's always about you"/"perhaps we shouldn't be together" statements, and the anger you have right now.  I can relate to everything you said! 

It is a learning experience for you, for sure!  Hopefully you will take some time to learn from this so you won't repeat it... .we need to do this for ourselves.

Letitgo ... Yes they are projecting ... they want us to feel their pain that they endured growing up ... .YES they do love us ... But BPD Style ... .Not really what true love should be ... .They never take ownership of ANYTHING ... We let them off time and time again ... .Because we are to soft ... .and have no principals errected ... We had principals when we met them ... But they managed to slowly whittle them down ... .until we let all of those basic principals go and became scared to enforce them due To their reactions and hurtful actions and words ... Who wants to be treated badly = NO ONE ... .Most healthy partners would listen to your principals and Ideas ... They are not healthy and don't give a hit_ about our feelings and principals because they Have NONE ... Hence their behaviors ... ( They may say they do just so we buy into their master plan ... Which is to seek ... Love and destroy ... Over and over ... We think that they think we are special ... We are not ... Who in their right mind would treat someone who is special in that manner ... Unless you were a sadist or a _____ing nutter ) = Either description fits for them ... .WOW ... Who wants to be with a sadist and a nutter ( different if you have kids ) but if there are NO kids ... Then we need to ask ourselves ... Heck are WE DOING ? All for a few snipets of love now and again ... I will repeat this again ... IMO I think we can be just as pathetic as they are ... .until you change yourself and get out ... .Its not easy ... But that should be the end goal ... .

Peace and Love

Long Distance

Wils70: I can totally relate to the "it's always about you"/"perhaps we shouldn't be together" statements, and the anger you have right now.  I can relate to everything you said! 

ME TOO! We had an argument once (only one we really ever had) because he was on a rant about how "two people are not meant to be together forever" and my feelings got hurt and he told me "who said I was talking about us? Stop thinking of yourself for just one minute". Well, when the man you love is telling you that he did not believe two people were meant to be together forever how else are you suppose to take it? His theory is that relationships last in 3's... .3 days, 3 months or 3 years. His longest relationship was his marriage of 3 years. And he up and left and has not spoken to her or his daughter since.

I always was puzzled why he'd say in response to me having a different interest "well, perhaps we shouldn't be together".  I jest not, that was the standard response dare I even have a tendency to like something he didn't.

I think this is common with them. My ex didn't really push what he wanted to do so much, he always told me he wanted to do what I wanted to do as long as we were together. But he pushed his ideas and beliefs on me. He had crazy consipiracy theories about stuff and that was the catalyst to him leaving, I did not agree with the ideas.

In the beginning my ex was so loving and wanted to constantly be together. He said he wanted us to get to the point that we were "completely comfortable" with eachother. Then after he left he told me "I never wanted a relationship, you shoved one down my throat". I couldn't believe it because I was the one wanting to take it slow and he bulldozed! I guess once we got to that comfort zone he said he wanted he bailed.

The ex-wife is a strong, high functioning BPD.  I am painted black for life... .and I thank GOD every day for that!

They seem to gravitate away from the "better" ones, and gravitate towards the "bad boys"... .even the ones who treated them poorly or in a more aloof way.  Also, they like the attention from old bfs who call and message them... .it excites them.

The more you love them, and the better you treat them... .the more dangerous YOU are to THEM.

My uBPD boyfriend finally admitted on July 27 that he does not want to be in a relationship, that he does not want to be exclusive, and that he is harboring thoughts of returning to "baby momma number 2". None of this came as a surprise to me, as recently I have discovered many examples of emotional infidelity (long im webcam conversations with other women, posts about "missing someone special" on his facebook wall, text messages on his phone saying "we need to talk," etc. etc. etc.) I questioned each of these items, in turn, and received only vague excuses and explanations. I have been nothing but generous, supportive, helpful, and loving for the past 4 months. He has become progressively more cold, stubborn, selfish, withdrawn, malevolent and antipathic. The first inkling I had that he might have BPD came after a blow up 2 months ago when I consulted a psychologist about my relationship difficulties. Prior to that time, I thought he may simply be depressed or, perhaps, cyclothymic. He has extracted considerable resources from me under false pretenses (10 K over 4 months), but is unable or unwilling to do anything to achieve restitution. I feel used, abused, and discarded. Since he admitted that he does not want a relationship, he has asked to remain friends (to which I responded that he lacks the skills to be a friend) and he has phoned each day. I am struggling emotionally.

It truly seems that the more you love them and the better you treat them, the more they reject and despise you. He still pines for a BP ex-gf who alternately loved and left him.

On top of the confusion about BPD, and before I realized that she possessed all the characteristics and traits, my self esteem was just shattered because she returned to the one physical affair that I found out about--a motorcycle-riding, video game expert, who lives with his mother and is 15 years her junior--in addition to the two virtual affairs--a married exbf from 20 years prior; and a single, local cop with a rep as a player--and I just struggled with why I didn't stack up:  two graduate degrees, a mid-level six-figure income, and lots of emotional and financial support as she worked through the year of her separation and divorce from her husband who (she said) cheated on her, and will go off to prison (fact) for multiple white collar crimes.

This complete incongruency about what a woman in her position should have been looking for (sure, I'm not nearly as physically attractive as I was 20 years ago, but who is?) versus what she seems to be seeking and has chosen confuses of course, but also devastates me on so many levels.

Thanks, everyone, for all of your input.  I just wanted to state that I don't want my ex back.  If she was to contact me to try and rekindle something she would fail.  I'm more than an object, I'm a human being!  And, for what it's worth, if she did try to contact me I'd be able to handle it a lot better now, which is saying something.  There was a time when I probably would have gotten sucked back in, or had a panic attack and freaked out, but her influence over me has waned.

Truth.  My uBPDstbxw had an affair with a sleezeball whose wife left him because he had numerous affairs.  He's a known womanizer, player and brags about all the women that want to sleep with him around the area where he lives.  In the midst of their first fling, I asked her if she knew why he is divorced and she told me "he had an affair"!   

And guess what?  After a year apart spent in a reconciliation with me, she rekindled the relationship back in June when I was out of town for the weekend.  He can keep her.  I guess she's more comfortable knowing she'll be done wrong than with a man who truly had her and her kid's best interests in mind.  Go figure. 

Okay, so I was wrong!  She contacted me, after nearly 11 months NC, and I am now correcting myself.  Dang, I thought for sure it would never happen.  Still learning... .

DD,

Is everything good?  I'm sure even though you thought That it probably wasn't going to happen, its still not a complete shocker to ya! 

Lemme guess... .a text saying "omg, DD, I was in my car and heard this song and I swear it was about you!"  Or "hi"

Left

All is neither bad or good.  Just kind of spacey.  I am super tired after working 3 straight doubles, and then this happened.  Check the "Confession" thread I started for details.

No songs involved, at least that I know of.  Just Facebook.  I see no rhyme or reason to it right now.  Whatever the reason, I'm sure it's a twisted one.

My situation was a bit different. Yes, I 've read all the post in this category and find bits and pieces that did happen. Yet, here... God Help me. Two year live in with me in my home. Yes... all wonderful, loving, I was the only one, no one loved her as much as I did, bragged about it to everyone, I was not like so and so, this was so much better and loving... etc. All the BPD/NPD/bp stuff. I won't go into it... I'm posted all over this board.

But as to "do they come back"... mine did 4 times of MY exiting her from our home. Legally. Yes, law enforcement was involved. The time before this one was in February 2010. Gone until April 17. Each time she called, begged, pleaded or showed up at the door wanting us, needing us, loving us, didn't want to be without. I tried to be strong, but couldn't. I loved her. We talk, apologizes, she'd admit she had problems, didn't want to repeat alllllllll her former marriages or relationships that were sabotaged... etc. Agreed on new venues put in place, said she loved me and didn't want to think of me with anyone else and she didn't want to start over or be with anyone else... .so on and so on... Promises were made, agreements, etc on both our parts. I was to understand MORE, she was to be "part of" more... .

Come July. Same stuff has been happening 3-4 weeks after her return you could set your watch by it. The same lies, deciet, online affairs, with ONE major difference.

>>The times before when she came back she was unemployed. NO income. She borrowed from one "pocket enabler" friend I learned about. She had no where to go. No where. Family lived out of state 3k miles and were the burnt of all her problems emotionally. The friend offered a plane ticket, she refused... said she wanted us... to stay. She did.

NOW this time she found a full time job in her field. A lark. Began the end of June and by July she was a tyrant. No responsiblity, spending checks like water, wouldn't help or be part of, blamed how she would always make more than me, how much she was loved at the job (they adorrrrrrrrrrrred her... and she was playing the male boss... a divorced millionairre to boot... if not actually f****ing him) mind you, she had a resume filled with lies, a background that would choke a horse and be denied ANY job... .but they forgave her and she snowballed the company as well).

Fast forward: homelife became worse! We argued. Told her that I felt her getting BACK to work would help. She'd feel more independent, have her own money, be able to become part of the home instead of feeling obligated to me or it... (per her therapist to become "part of", that the drinking would subside, the depression, etc. Nope. Didn't.

Push came to shove and I had to move her out on July 12. Done. Over. Finances were in hell, I was in hell and she seemed to gain MORE momentum... if possible. EVERYTHING was thrown at me now.

Will she come back. She says NEVER. She said I did her the biggest favor. She has money, a job, after a short hotel stay found someone to move in with... (oh lied about that as well... .she is hooked up) and "does NOT need me for a thing, nothing, ever"... .she texted me one night, "you do know i'm not coming back don't you"... she has not asked to this time. Not even close. Actually, since she in "control" mode and possible found a new victim or several as history serves, she has NO need for me... she was caught too many times, truths found out and when that happens, they NEED a new unsuspecting victim... someone to play. She played me out. I knew the tricks, the games, the lies, deceit, contacts, all her ins and outs by living with her. Game over. New game.

Before the NEED to come back was based on no money, no job, no place to live. Now... she met all those needs. Has her "power" as she calls it and behind the curtains developed a "new" persona for others... blackened me and all I did for her... said she no longer loved me as well. It's over. Control.

Yet... .there is always a fine line. She is riding high. Her world is perfect for her world right now. Very limited contact... very limited in text only. She is living only a few miles from me and still working... on her 4th month and a perm employee now... .history has it 6-8 months at a job is her limit... too much responsiblity or demands she exits... .she is in her late 40's... and history may very well repeat itself... but as for coming back? Hard call. She'd have to loose everything again... .job, place, screw someone the wrong way, need a safety net... .hard call.

She wasn't going to come back the last time, she was, with the help of an enabler friend out of state was going to find a place... then... she turned the tables and ended up here. But again, no job. This time? She is self serving... I know that about her. Her world is HER world right now. She can and does keep her demons at bay with work and a new social life... .remember, she can be "anyone" she wants to be at this point. Paint a brand new picture, gather victims to serve her NPD and deny her BPD... what will get her... is her BP... in time.

If I were to put money on it... I would say: Yes. Not yet... but yes. She can NOT handle the fact I may be moving on as well eventually... was this a bad ending? Yes. This time. So final since this time I physically moved her out 100% vs the other times of her leaving with everything still here in the house... clothing, furniture etc. This time I cleaned house and moved it all out. So... another differerence.

Since she has not attempted to come back, no mention of it, has stood firm on the fact she never will, it's over, done, she is moving on, ... key words... but to a BPD? they can mean the opposite... she is trying to convince everyone and herself... she is... but... who knows.

Again, I will bet money on it it will be in the middle of the night at my door, a call from an ER room or someone telling me to go get her... if she ventured into bad territory.