BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone...

Anyone else experiencing when someone in their life with BPD, will only text them rather then picking up a phone and calling?

Even when I take the time to call them, rather then get a call back, its a text message. Sometimes days later.

Why? Emotional detachment, avoiding confrontation? They have the time to send text messages all day, but wont call?

How to you all handle this?

I know for me, I no longer call her. Why bother when she never calls back. Whenever she sends me a text, I just answer it very simply and thats it.

Another reason why i love this site.

Yes! Happened frequently or not picking up and getting a text back moments after the missed call asking whats up?

Very annoying... i shrugged it off as a girl a work said her husband did this same thing. red-flag  So i started to just communicate via text, another was "i can't do phones, lets talk on msn" etc.

I had NEVER encounted that before in any other relationship, the explanation i got when i questioned it one time was that he has time to "think" via msn or via text as opposed to the phone ... who knows?

Emotiona attachment would make sense.

Again... when i think things are "in my head" or its just me "over-reacting" this site gives me so much clarity... .

Truly your all a godsend in a tough time.  

Texting is easy because it takes no efforts and no emotion.

Next time, when she texts you, don't quickly respond. Wait 24 to 48 hours before you respond. Essentially, by quickly responding you are telling your psyche that you need her more than she needs you.

I get these texts too.  H will text me to let me know he sent me an email!  Then, did you get my email?  Are my texts coming through?  Etc.  If I don't answer immediately, he will call.  God forbid I miss the call!  He interprets that as me surely filing for divorce at that very moment.

Anyway, I have to turn off my phone sometimes to get some peace.  And to not be tempted to engage the texts. 

I do get annoyed at people who only text; however, I don't necessarily think this is a BPD thing only, just our culture now-a-days. 

Anyone know what I've done wrong and why my whole reply came up as a quote?   lol

Yes, mine would txt... .even long conversations... .I would get fed up and call. Said she did not feel confident making a call... .had a thing about ringing peeps... .so I would have to make the calls on her behalf to insurance companies and the like.

Even before during and after breaking up the communication was done by text... .most frustrating.

I think it is to do with the emotion though as one of the other posters mentioned. Maybe it feels safer for them.

My ex was exactly like that, tex tex tex all day. Funny enough when iwould send  a tex or call she would go quiet on me or take forever to respond. Only did that as she complained i never tex or called her.

Its funny as we could be having a convo via tex and id get fed up so call her and she wouldn,t answer. These people are contradictory to the extreme.

So here's my experience with txting and calls... .

Phone calls are just about non-existent for us. There have been many times that I have tried to call my SO, but it always goes to her answering machine. I know that she has her phone near her 24/7, so she knows its me calling and therefore, I assume, she chooses to ignore it. The frustrating thing though is that often, a couple of minutes after, I'll get a txt that says "What do you want?" Not "Hey, i'm sorry I missed your call. Why don't you try again?" or something similar. So i've given up calling because in the end its me that feels like i've been slapped in the face with my own phone.

And txting, well that's become an real issue. When we were first together we would txt each other all the time, about anything. However, that lasted about 6 months and since then its been a long, downward slope to maybe receiving a txt once a day if i'm lucky? And like other people have said here, when I do txt her i'm faced with three possibilities: that she won't answer me at all, that it'll be hours before I get a reply or that the reply will be a few very short, curt words. Its also got to the point where I feel that I have to be very, very careful about what I say via a txt in case its taken the wrong way and all of this now means that I only txt her if I really, really need to. And a couple of weeks ago she had the audacity to say "Why don't you txt me anymore?" Well hello! Is it any wonder?

Yep, contradictory to the extreme (well put, Red Devil!)

Yikes!  Posts and responses like this make me feel BPD!  I usually only text, and don't answer calls.  My reasoning... .texting keeps a record of things said!  There is no debating who said what... well there still is, but soo much easier to look back and know who is right and who is wrong.  I don't answer calls because 1.  I don't like to be yelled at and not be able to get a word in, and 2.  There is a record of abuse.  And I text because out is soo much easier to say what I want to say without being interrupted!

Hi... .

I have not had a phone conversation of any kind since early April... .everything has been texting... .from ransdom things, to her trying to have full blown conversations... .in my head, Im thinking, just pick up a phone and call me... .its carzy.

A few weeks ago, she texted me, asking how my easter was and then saying she would have called but she will get in trouble at work if she does... .my thoughts... .you work 4hrs a day, call me when your not at work!

I reply because I dont want to be rude, but I have had enough of it. Friday is my b-day, she will text me happy birthday, rather then call... .I dont want to respond to her at all... I think responding sends a bad message... .like Im ok and accepting all this texting.

Can I just not respond at all? thoughts?

I've been with husband so long that the text thing started as letter or note writing. He still leaves me notes to pick up cleaning etc, but the annoying thing is he'll write the note in front of me! And leave it on the table and walk out! Creepy. Mostly I ignore because a note or letter or text or email from him usually means trouble.  If I make believe I didn't get it often it defuses the situation.

I find that "playing dumb" goes a long way.

Surella

as a Non, I _love_ texting.  I had a mild speech impediment growing up, and I'm very soft=spoken, so I've almost always written better than I spoke.

Does your pwBPD always include a face on their text?  I mean always.  Or use exclamation marks and CAPITOL letters?  lol?  and other emoticons?  Mine does.  

It may be some part generational but I also believe its an easier way for them to show emotion.  One of the boundaries I put up is no discussions through texting.  I didn't tell her this, but anytime she accuses me of something, or thinks that I have a negative opinion of her, I reply the same.  

"Something on your mind?  I'll call you later if you want talk."  

A little variety obviously to not sound like a robot.  The ironic part about this?  She always calls me first.  Talking minutes after sending that.  If she is at work, or legitametly preoccupied she will call immediately after done.    

I purposely put my cell phone on "suspension" since this was my uBPDH way of communicating with me and basicly following my every move.  I bought another "tracphone" to keep for emergencies and told H that if he wants to communicate with me it will have to be on the home telephone. I will not give him the number.  At first and maybe still, H was upset but I can tell you it is a relief to be able to go out to run errands and not have the phone msgs every minute... .Texting created miscommunication from misinterpretation, ect.   Now we have the email that is somewhat the same as texting but less intrusive. 

My ex BPDgf always and still does sends me a picture of herself making the face (or hand gesture) of whatever emotion she's feeling at the time. I personally was the one who never answered the phone, mainly because I was purposely trying to detach from her and I have more clarity when I'm not being pressured into forcing a conversation.

So what do I do... .respond to a text message that says "Happy Birthday"... .which in my opinion should be a bit more personalized... .like a phone call... .or just a simple "thanks" back... .no more then that?

Lacole - radical thought here - but what do you WANT to do?

Earlier in the thread, you don't want to text back - so don't.

Do you see that you are creating your own chaos because you are still walking on eggshells?

What does Lacole WANT?

I dont want to text her... .I deserve something more... .yes, it is only a birthday, my 46th one at that... no big deal, but I once considered this person my best friend.

I think a text message saying happy birthday is cheezy and lame. 1/2 hearted if you know what I mean... .

I think what is making me uneasy, is me! My ego is getting in the way. I will feel like the bad guy, unappreciative.

Funny thing, last year on her b-day, we werent speaking for some reason... I did call her and wish her a great day... .she didnt answer the phone nor ever acknowledge my call, to this day, but I called... .I felt like anything less would have been awful.

But I cant hold her to my same expectations... .

My BPD sister does not answer her phone (she has caller id and still lets it go to voicemail) nor does she have a cell phone and she rarely answers email.  When she does get back to you she first tells you how busy she is.  So trying to get in touch within her is a hassle and I think it is a control issue with her.  I also think that she thinks I am so dumb that I don't know what she is up to.  For the past year she has ignored and email or phone call for a couple of weeks but in the mean time has talked to another family member about me and than has that person try to  me.  When I don't respond to the  I eventually get the return email saying how busy she has been.

She has also told other family members that I have an issue with the phone.  I have a house phone, cell, email, text and I return my calls but I am the one with a phone issue - whatever!

This is a true statement for anyone - BPD or not.

It is ok that you are sad - it is sad; your best friend didn't call on your bday.  That is sad, let yourself feel it & grieve it.

Engaging with her now is only you creating drama so you don't have to feel your own pain.  Focusing on the texting vs. calling is letting you feel anger - now let yourself move into the sadness, this is where we let go - in the sadness.

Hang in there,

SB

In my case, my GF and I text when we are on the negative period (usually in the days that follow a fight). It’s better this way so it avoids angry reactions as she tends to keep the negativity alive and tries to erase all the good (and I know I can be angry at her as well, or at least, not the sweet guy she loves to listen too). It also helps to express better what I truly believe and feel, and reinforce the positive. The way I understand this is her very weird way to say that she so much loves me that she doesn’t want to lead to a point of no return, so texting is a safer way to communicate with me (and she’s right).

When she breaks up, she says all discouraging words to make me believe it’s over and those can change my emotions (and she feels those changes, which make her feel insecure about my love and our potential – it’s like one day I’ll get really tired of her so her self-made prophecy will become true, she’ll lose the man she loved the most).

However, her actions tell a different story from her speach... she never really pulls the plug, and there are signs there that she leaves for me to read them. With time I’m getting good at differentiating speech from behavior, and this helps build confidence, and diminish fears, which are two powerful ingredients to keep my emotions more in check. So, for now texting actually helps in this sense (after some texts we jump to a phone call, normally started by her). Another reason for her texting is, of course, she doesn’t want to keep fighting.

ok all... .

So my b-day was last Friday... .I get home, and my friend called and left me a voice message on my HOME answering machine... .the last place I would have been... .

She didnt call my cell or work numbers, I would have answered one of those phones... she calls on the one number Im least likely to answer... .

Appears she wanted it to look like she was doing the "right" thing, but was able to avoid the emotional connection at the same time... .

Is she avoiding me or afraid to call and actually have me answer?

idk... i like texting... i hate talking on the phone... always seems to take twice as long... if what i want to say is 'im going to the store after work do you want anything?' its a lot faster to text... instead of calling... hi... how are you... im fine... was going to go to the store... after work... ok... do you want anything? idk if we have that or not... ' lol shoot me

R read someplace that introverted people are more likely to communicate in writing too... were both introverted... most of our communication during the day is writing...

Hi... .I see no problem with texting... .that isnt so much the issue... .the issue really is that that is ALL she does... .no calls at all... .just texting... .for the past 2 months... .ah yes... .except for my b-day... .she called and wished me a happy birthday on my house phone... .the one place I was LEAST likely to be... .

Every week or so I would get this same text... ."Hi, how are you"... then she proceed to tell me that she would call if she could, but cant from work... .really? Why dont you just call me when your not at work if you really wanted to... .it all just doesnt made sense.

Her final text was almost two weeks ago... .I told her if she ever wanted to call and say Hi, or chat... to just give me a call... .of course... I have heard nothing...

I really just dont understand it all?

My ex uBPDgf refused to speak to anyone on the phone, it all had to be done via text. Even at work she refused to speak to people on the phone, or would get into a real state about being forced to do so. This caused quite a lot of friction with co-workers (who of course were the ones to blame for not understanding her). I remember one night I sat up with her in bed at about 3am whilst she was weeping and shaking. It took about an hour to get it out of her what the problem was - she had to have a phone meeting the next morning with a client.

Strangely enough she did eventually (after 2 years!) talk to me on the phone, but it had to be on her terms. If I rang her, no answer. She would then ring back a couple of minutes later. I guess this was all to do with control. Often when I was away with work or visiting friends/family she would text me and say "I'll ring you at some point tonight, not sure when though." If I missed the call I'd get it in the neck - not in an argumentative way but in a more subtle, "I'm lonely and just want to talk way" (usually said in a childish voice).

The culmination of this attitude came when we finally broke up. It wasn't a clean break, but rather 3 weeks of strange, confusing communications. She said she couldn't talk to me face to face (sent via text) and had to put it all in an email (there were several!). It was weird, whenever I went to see her she almost pretended as though nothing at happened, in the meantime admitting she had cheated on me in an email. Funnily enough none of the texts or emails contained a proper apology - she simply blamed me for everything (you weren't there for me, you put family and work before me etc.).

The worst thing for me was that I have always been a very open communicator but in the final couple of months this woman made me copy her behaviour and I ended up just communicating via text or email.  Even after the breakup I had her mother and friends messaging me asking what the hell was going on. I went to visit her mum about a month later and she thought we were still together... .never encountered anything quite like it! My ex hadn't spoken to a single person about what had happened. During this time she was still texting me the most random stuff, like what was on TV that night etc.

My facial expression at this point was pretty much this... .

Thanks for sharing... .it is all so strange... .

Why do you think this is? Control, emotional detachment, both?

I am a communicator... I will talk about anything, clear the air, etc... .I too found myself only texting her as well... .I did so because I felt like it was my only connection to her... .she wasnt calling, so what other choice did I have... .? Finally, I said enough it enough... no more texting... .if its important enough, if I am important enough, just pick up the phone and call... .I guess she told me just how important I am... .I have heard nothing in almost 2 weeks.

 Hi!

My (ex) sick puppy would text more than call. I was the one always calling. He would always complain if i called or texted or emailed too much... .but if i would stop he would ask me why i stopped or pull me back in... .

 

I heard from ex girlfriends that he would only text them.

My sick puppy only wants to know he is loved... .the other things didnt matter...

In six months we had two conversations over phone. A few Skype chats, though. I was always accused of rushing her off the phone too. Real weird.

Honestly texts are better though. Everything is documented.

This is an interesting thread.  I use text messaging with my ubpw quite a bit. Sometimes using text is a very effective way to communicate because you see it in print and have a chance to think about your responses. This is Ok when everything is going fine and also when things are getting volatile.

On another note though, she texts someone else much too much.  She lets me look at her phone to see that it is all innocent, but she is still texting someone she had a major fling and telling me the fling is over. It is like she has to keep this guy on the hook for her own personal gratification.  Then she'll say I should trust her becase she leaves her phone out for me to see. She knows that I found very graphic pics going back and forth about 9 months ago. She tried to deny the photos existed even after I looked at them and handed her the phone to tell her to delete them and not to let me find this inappropriate behavior again.  But had I swapped SIM cards, sent some photo evidence to the web, and downloaded it for reference later on.  So I know I am not remembering wrong.  She is trying to skew the facts to cover up for making a poor choice... .

koshou, I was curious, why did you delete almost everybody in your phone?

blue bond, I don't know how you are staying with her.  I'm sure she will cheat or at least send those types of pics again.  They always do.

This make a lot of sense... i saw my BPD do this not only with me but also his mother who is the only woman who he has no choice but to respect.

He did phones as a necessity i.e for work etc... however much prefers msn, texting and emails as communication tools...

This is very interesting

My SO gets very anxious talking on the phone, as he thinks I am trying to "trap" him. So he'd rather text so that he can think through how to respond. I know it's frustrating, but when dealing with someone very angry and anxious, sometimes texting communicates clearly without the worry over whether what you said will be taken the wrong way (as it so often is.) It also gives the BP time to "think" about what they are saying and how they are saying it, which is usually healthy. I don't know -- for me it works better, although I can understand the frustration of never getting a phone call.

Texting with my uNPDexbf was one of the biggest frustrations between us!

When he was in a good mood, all his texts would have x xxxx on the end. If you didn't reply with xxxx on yours, he would sulk and get all confrontational 'why no xxx? Don't you love me?'

He would also expect a quick reply to his texts, if he didn't get one he would complain and call and call my phone demanding to know why.

He would spend hours sending me loads, then at a certain point he would completely disappear and not reply to my last text, if it was a question this was massively frustrating

He also always ignored me texting and calling if he was at home while I was at work. Always. Like he wanted me to think 'what is he doing?'

Exbf was lazy, and much preferred to try to control me by text rather than in person. He also could get up to all sorts of trouble - like not being at work when he was meant to, because if he called I would hear no/lots background noise and work him out. So texting is easy cos he could be anywhere!

He was addicted to his phone, texting and spent hundreds a month on it and slept with it under his pillow. He also had a secret phone that he hid from me, which contained texts from other girls and dirty photo messages from them.

My ex , before she speaks to me, often  check her phone to see our text msg , where we left off, ... .would it be better tecting if you suffer from obtaining object constantsy?

Me too!  My dBPDh tends to lie about what was said and this way there is a record.  Now he is telling me he doesn't want to communicate by text.  I am pretty sure it is because his sponsor and therapist are reading his texts and he can't play the victim.  When we talk he lies and distorts, playing the victim.

I set very firm limits with my pwBPD and told them do not use text to communicate negative emotions. We have gotten in horrible fights because he has said something nasty to me in a text message. I am still working on a limit to set with him around this but I have communicated very clearly to him what he does and how it makes me feel. Anyone have experience setting limits around inflammatory text messages?

Unicorn2014- I've tried to set limits and refused to respond after giving a warning which we'd previously agreed on, and using a script we'd previously agreed on, when a text conversation was becoming yet another circular pointless exchange of accuse and defend... .Unfortunately this resulted every single time with an escalation of everything that took longer to get back from so in the end I gave in. Amazingly I've been able to regularly do a days work after being up the entire night responding.

Other text /phone issues that I wonder if others have-

If I dIdnt reply immediately, total escalation as panic ensued about why... .

She would phone me, but then put the phone down if I said something she didn't like. And then phone me back,I'd answer, same thing a few moments later. So I'd stop answering, so she'd ring me 10-20 times, which made me more determined not to answer because I knew that once she was that heightened there would be no good outcome, but then of course I was the rejecting baddy... .So I'd text her to explain that I couldn't speak to her, but try and put forward my point of view. And then back to the circular conversation, or ignoring me.

we had to have regular FaceTime video chats... .so she could see where I was, because if we were on the phone I could have been anywhere and lying (which apparently I did pretty much every thing I said)

And one of her main reasons for rejecting me now for the final, this time permanent time- because I am a faceless text and don't really exist and she deserves better than the disgusting inhuman way I treat her.

Sigh.

For my ex, the use of text was cyclical. Used it at the outset, then lots of phone calls during idealization. When she started pulling away she wouldn't answer the phone anymore, but would still text. I rang her on a different number once as my phone had crashed and she answered straight away!  lol She was not best pleased as I'd obviously breached her 'firewall'. The end of the relationship was also via text. For a woman who dreams of running away and is in a constant survival battle, text seems a safe way for her to communicate. It's not a healthy way to manage a relationship though - whatever anyone says. 

I thought this was a good quote. It made me think "What do I want?". This was insightful S.Balance; thanks.

A few days ago I broke NC with my exBPDbf. Honestly, I think I was just lonely. But the rate of the discard came so quickly, that I'm pretty sure, I was gaslighted, then discarded within 24 hours this time. And the reason being, Texting & Phone calls. My ex, is able to speak with me on the phone, but will only text, or text provocatively, when he's doing something he shouldn't be doing, or wants to provoke my fears by acting like he can't talk. We'd been together Thursday evening and he was talking about getting back together on Saturday, if, he felt ok. After the first discard, he always kept one foot out. So, friday he texts me a bit, and at about 5pm, I say on text "can we talk for a min or 2, now or later." He says "I'm grabbing something to eat, and turning in early. This is at 5pm on Friday evening. The man I just was with last night won't say a quick hello or goodnight? This is the guy that wanted to cure our trust issues from him cheating, by himself, no therapy. He was going to do all this things to make me feel safe. Well, he said he would. Sometimes he would do something like this on a weekend he wanted to change our plans. He'd say something that would upset me, make me feel worthless. Whether I flipped out, or learned not to, and speak to him calmly about how it made me feel, "I was still ruining everything. Why do I always have to do this us?" I'm assuming he meant, me wanting to talk to him on the phone? Does he think he'd be the first man to make a 2 minute call from another woman's house, and lie to that woman, so , he could cover his ass with me? Calling doesn't preclude him from cheating. That's why it hurt so much. I knew he wanted me to be scared to hurt and wonder, so he could get angry, point a finger at my lack of reasonability, and then he'd have his night clear with reason. Me, just wanting to hear his voice, and tell him about the soup I'd made him. But the more he knew I wanted to talk, the more he withheld it. Because that just makes it exquisite supply for him to withhold even the crumbs I ask for. When I realized, again, I cannot even ask him for a phone call, for intimacy, cause he's either cheating or cruel, and interprets it as being controlled, I jumped back on the horse again. And am back to NC. I'm not sure why I am continually shocked over and over by the same behavior. I'm hoping this was the finale. Hugs, SMH  :light: :light: :light: :light: :light: :light:

PwBPD are really mean. Stinks that you had to go through that bullying b-s. I don't care what made them this way. They still love to bomb other people, one way or another. I have been trying very hard to maintain a friendship with my p/wBPD, and their kids. And they keep doing this same kind of stuff to me. I'm not going to start a war, or go eye-for-an-eye. However, when the tables turn, I'm not going to be picking up the minute they call/text back. They can wait a while and realize the impact of their actions.

The way I see it: Texting can be a valuable medium for communication but is also one that easily leads to stepping over boundaries.

To protect our boundaries:

- don't get cornered into an obligation to respond immediately. Making this a boundary helps

    - allows more easily to have cool offs

    - protects your peace of mind

    - gives you more time to craft a targeted validating response

    - entering text free zones. Or making some up  *)

- keep some discussions off text. "Yeah, sounds very important. Let's discuss this over dinner.".

- don't let text become a remote control.

   - respect of you as a person. You prefer being told and with a "please" please.

   - fights enmeshment, don't allow the pwBPD to think you as an extended limb.

When it comes to boundaries we have to acknowledge that we are the adults in the relationship and are texting with impulsive teens. We can't force a behavior on to the pwBPD. We can't agree on much with them either - well, we can and should but we have to be realistic that impulses may temporarily suspend the agreement at random times.

Boundaries with texting relies on us

  - ignoring texts

  - seeing a few silly or angry text storms

  - moving conversations off text

  - pacing texts

Last but not least I've seen a lot here writing about texts not being emotional (other than pwBPD centric and/or angry) and connecting. Again we can't force the pwBPD to communicate properly but we can be a role model. We can communicate in an emotional and connecting manner. When we switch to a validating (<-- this is the first time this word has come up in this thread   ) communication style we help the pwBPD to regulate and increase the chance getting more connecting messages back.

For a start on validation see e.g. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.msg12408816#msg12408816

Interesting... .I have an opposite story. I do have to text and email a lot over kids arrangements, quick questions etc, and am always on Whatsapp with other kids mothers about school stuff, as well as having a busy job. I am separated from exBPDh but we share childcare, though he is still trying to coax me back into the relationship. When I think we are going through a calm period something will happen like this. He didnt reply to messages. Then he rung, not to answer the questions but to berate me for always sending messages, why cant I pick up the phone? He wants to engage me, and make me feel guilty... .

When I first started to date my BPD I was surprised that she was the first person in the world who was not picking up the phone specially, she said she likes to text and she hates to speak, she feels not confident to speak on the phone and she dislikes it. Probably with the text she can think and choose her words. But later I pushed her to take calls as they were usually about simple things like what to buy in the shop and it would take a time to have this table tennis messaging while I am in the shop, so she started to pick up the phone. I also told that I am not ok to write a lot, I have too big fingers for my touchscreen so it really is challenging for me to write messages when I need to rush, call is easier and faster. Maybe in time BPD gets comfortable with the person and they find calls not so intimidating anymore.

good point on not responding.  I have a hard time with it.  I feel guilty for it and they point out that it is mean, i would fall for it and contact them back quickly, but when i stopped... .50+ calls an hour until I would answer which id id and reinforced it.

now... .I let it ring that much and im in trouble at work.  I answer and i reinforced... .