Texting... never calling

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone...

Anyone else experiencing when someone in their life with BPD, will only text them rather then picking up a phone and calling?

Even when I take the time to call them, rather then get a call back, its a text message. Sometimes days later.

Why? Emotional detachment, avoiding confrontation? They have the time to send text messages all day, but wont call?

How to you all handle this?

I know for me, I no longer call her. Why bother when she never calls back. Whenever she sends me a text, I just answer it very simply and thats it.

[lacole]

Hi everyone...

Anyone else experiencing when someone in their life with BPD, will only text them rather then picking up a phone and calling?

Even when I take the time to call them, rather then get a call back, its a text message. Sometimes days later.

Why? Emotional detachment, avoiding confrontation? They have the time to send text messages all day, but wont call?

How to you all handle this?

I know for me, I no longer call her. Why bother when she never calls back. Whenever she sends me a text, I just answer it very simply and thats it.

[LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel]

Hi everyone...

Anyone else experiencing when someone in their life with BPD, will only text them rather then picking up a phone and calling?

Even when I take the time to call them, rather then get a call back, its a text message. Sometimes days later.

Why? Emotional detachment, avoiding confrontation? They have the time to send text messages all day, but wont call?

How to you all handle this?

I know for me, I no longer call her. Why bother when she never calls back. Whenever she sends me a text, I just answer it very simply and thats it.

Another reason why i love this site.

Yes! Happened frequently or not picking up and getting a text back moments after the missed call asking whats up?

Very annoying... i shrugged it off as a girl a work said her husband did this same thing.   So i started to just communicate via text, another was "i can't do phones, lets talk on msn" etc.

I had NEVER encounted that before in any other relationship, the explanation i got when i questioned it one time was that he has time to "think" via msn or via text as opposed to the phone ... who knows?

Emotiona attachment would make sense.

Again... when i think things are "in my head" or its just me "over-reacting" this site gives me so much clarity... .

Truly your all a godsend in a tough time.  

[OnceConfused]

Texting is easy because it takes no efforts and no emotion.

Next time, when she texts you, don't quickly respond. Wait 24 to 48 hours before you respond. Essentially, by quickly responding you are telling your psyche that you need her more than she needs you.

[Dolly Llama]

I get these texts too.  H will text me to let me know he sent me an email!  Then, did you get my email?  Are my texts coming through?  Etc.  If I don't answer immediately, he will call.  God forbid I miss the call!  He interprets that as me surely filing for divorce at that very moment.

Anyway, I have to turn off my phone sometimes to get some peace.  And to not be tempted to engage the texts. 

[seeking balance]

I do get annoyed at people who only text; however, I don't necessarily think this is a BPD thing only, just our culture now-a-days. 

[getting_dizzy]

I get these texts too.  H will text me to let me know he sent me an email!  Then, did you get my email?  Are my texts coming through?  Etc.  If I don't answer immediately, he will call.  God forbid I miss the call!  He interprets that as me surely filing for divorce at that very moment.

Anyway, I have to turn off my phone sometimes to get some peace.  And to not be tempted to engage the texts. 



That's my life too, Dolly Llama.  Some days I would prefer him to only communicate via text!  Although sometimes I get hundreds a day!  If I don't answer he calls... .and calls... .and calls... .and texts... .then calls again!  Even after I've spoken to him on the phone, my phone will immediately beep with more messages!

Not really helpful advice for you, lacole... .but I'd say enjoy the 'silence' while you can!

[getting_dizzy]

Anyone know what I've done wrong and why my whole reply came up as a quote?   

[mistyclouds]

Yes, mine would txt... .even long conversations... .I would get fed up and call. Said she did not feel confident making a call... .had a thing about ringing peeps... .so I would have to make the calls on her behalf to insurance companies and the like.

Even before during and after breaking up the communication was done by text... .most frustrating.

I think it is to do with the emotion though as one of the other posters mentioned. Maybe it feels safer for them.

[Red Devil]

My ex was exactly like that, tex tex tex all day. Funny enough when iwould send  a tex or call she would go quiet on me or take forever to respond. Only did that as she complained i never tex or called her.

Its funny as we could be having a convo via tex and id get fed up so call her and she wouldn,t answer. These people are contradictory to the extreme.

[kelly66]

So here's my experience with txting and calls... .

Phone calls are just about non-existent for us. There have been many times that I have tried to call my SO, but it always goes to her answering machine. I know that she has her phone near her 24/7, so she knows its me calling and therefore, I assume, she chooses to ignore it. The frustrating thing though is that often, a couple of minutes after, I'll get a txt that says "What do you want?" Not "Hey, i'm sorry I missed your call. Why don't you try again?" or something similar. So i've given up calling because in the end its me that feels like i've been slapped in the face with my own phone.

And txting, well that's become an real issue. When we were first together we would txt each other all the time, about anything. However, that lasted about 6 months and since then its been a long, downward slope to maybe receiving a txt once a day if i'm lucky? And like other people have said here, when I do txt her i'm faced with three possibilities: that she won't answer me at all, that it'll be hours before I get a reply or that the reply will be a few very short, curt words. Its also got to the point where I feel that I have to be very, very careful about what I say via a txt in case its taken the wrong way and all of this now means that I only txt her if I really, really need to. And a couple of weeks ago she had the audacity to say "Why don't you txt me anymore?" Well hello! Is it any wonder?

Yep, contradictory to the extreme (well put, Red Devil!)

[myselfagain]

Yikes!  Posts and responses like this make me feel BPD!  I usually only text, and don't answer calls.  My reasoning... .texting keeps a record of things said!  There is no debating who said what... well there still is, but soo much easier to look back and know who is right and who is wrong.  I don't answer calls because 1.  I don't like to be yelled at and not be able to get a word in, and 2.  There is a record of abuse.  And I text because out is soo much easier to say what I want to say without being interrupted!

[lacole]

Hi... .

I have not had a phone conversation of any kind since early April... .everything has been texting... .from ransdom things, to her trying to have full blown conversations... .in my head, Im thinking, just pick up a phone and call me... .its carzy.

A few weeks ago, she texted me, asking how my easter was and then saying she would have called but she will get in trouble at work if she does... .my thoughts... .you work 4hrs a day, call me when your not at work!

I reply because I dont want to be rude, but I have had enough of it. Friday is my b-day, she will text me happy birthday, rather then call... .I dont want to respond to her at all... I think responding sends a bad message... .like Im ok and accepting all this texting.

Can I just not respond at all? thoughts?

[shave]

I've been with husband so long that the text thing started as letter or note writing. He still leaves me notes to pick up cleaning etc, but the annoying thing is he'll write the note in front of me! And leave it on the table and walk out! Creepy. Mostly I ignore because a note or letter or text or email from him usually means trouble.  If I make believe I didn't get it often it defuses the situation.

I find that "playing dumb" goes a long way.

Surella

[WhyAskWhy]

as a Non, I _love_ texting.  I had a mild speech impediment growing up, and I'm very soft=spoken, so I've almost always written better than I spoke.

[Inspirationneeded]

Does your pwBPD always include a face on their text?  I mean always.  Or use exclamation marks and CAPITOL letters?  ?  and other emoticons?  Mine does.  

It may be some part generational but I also believe its an easier way for them to show emotion.  One of the boundaries I put up is no discussions through texting.  I didn't tell her this, but anytime she accuses me of something, or thinks that I have a negative opinion of her, I reply the same.  

"Something on your mind?  I'll call you later if you want talk."  

A little variety obviously to not sound like a robot.  The ironic part about this?  She always calls me first.  Talking minutes after sending that.  If she is at work, or legitametly preoccupied she will call immediately after done.    

[Mrs Borderline]

I purposely put my cell phone on "suspension" since this was my uBPDH way of communicating with me and basicly following my every move.  I bought another "tracphone" to keep for emergencies and told H that if he wants to communicate with me it will have to be on the home telephone. I will not give him the number.  At first and maybe still, H was upset but I can tell you it is a relief to be able to go out to run errands and not have the phone msgs every minute... .Texting created miscommunication from misinterpretation, ect.   Now we have the email that is somewhat the same as texting but less intrusive. 

[tired1]

Does your pwBPD always include a face on their text?  I mean always.  Or use exclamation marks and CAPITOL letters?  ?  and other emoticons?  Mine does.   

It may be some part generational but I also believe its an easier way for them to show emotion.  One of the boundaries I put up is no discussions through texting.  I didn't tell her this, but anytime she accuses me of something, or thinks that I have a negative opinion of her, I reply the same.   

"Something on your mind?  I'll call you later if you want talk." 

A little variety obviously to not sound like a robot.  The ironic part about this?  She always calls me first.  Talking minutes after sending that.  If she is at work, or legitametly preoccupied she will call immediately after done.     

My ex BPDgf always and still does sends me a picture of herself making the face (or hand gesture) of whatever emotion she's feeling at the time. I personally was the one who never answered the phone, mainly because I was purposely trying to detach from her and I have more clarity when I'm not being pressured into forcing a conversation.

[lacole]

So what do I do... .respond to a text message that says "Happy Birthday"... .which in my opinion should be a bit more personalized... .like a phone call... .or just a simple "thanks" back... .no more then that?

[seeking balance]

So what do I do... .respond to a text message that says "Happy Birthday"... .which in my opinion should be a bit more personalized... .like a phone call... .or just a simple "thanks" back... .no more then that?

Lacole - radical thought here - but what do you WANT to do?

Earlier in the thread, you don't want to text back - so don't.

Do you see that you are creating your own chaos because you are still walking on eggshells?

What does Lacole WANT?

[lacole]

I dont want to text her... .I deserve something more... .yes, it is only a birthday, my 46th one at that... no big deal, but I once considered this person my best friend.

I think a text message saying happy birthday is cheezy and lame. 1/2 hearted if you know what I mean... .

I think what is making me uneasy, is me! My ego is getting in the way. I will feel like the bad guy, unappreciative.

Funny thing, last year on her b-day, we werent speaking for some reason... I did call her and wish her a great day... .she didnt answer the phone nor ever acknowledge my call, to this day, but I called... .I felt like anything less would have been awful.

But I cant hold her to my same expectations... .

[Lila]

My BPD sister does not answer her phone (she has caller id and still lets it go to voicemail) nor does she have a cell phone and she rarely answers email.  When she does get back to you she first tells you how busy she is.  So trying to get in touch within her is a hassle and I think it is a control issue with her.  I also think that she thinks I am so dumb that I don't know what she is up to.  For the past year she has ignored and email or phone call for a couple of weeks but in the mean time has talked to another family member about me and than has that person try to  me.  When I don't respond to the  I eventually get the return email saying how busy she has been.

She has also told other family members that I have an issue with the phone.  I have a house phone, cell, email, text and I return my calls but I am the one with a phone issue - whatever!

[seeking balance]

But I cant hold her to my same expectations... .

This is a true statement for anyone - BPD or not.

It is ok that you are sad - it is sad; your best friend didn't call on your bday.  That is sad, let yourself feel it & grieve it.

Engaging with her now is only you creating drama so you don't have to feel your own pain.  Focusing on the texting vs. calling is letting you feel anger - now let yourself move into the sadness, this is where we let go - in the sadness.

Hang in there,

SB

[I_was_blind]

In my case, my GF and I text when we are on the negative period (usually in the days that follow a fight). It’s better this way so it avoids angry reactions as she tends to keep the negativity alive and tries to erase all the good (and I know I can be angry at her as well, or at least, not the sweet guy she loves to listen too). It also helps to express better what I truly believe and feel, and reinforce the positive. The way I understand this is her very weird way to say that she so much loves me that she doesn’t want to lead to a point of no return, so texting is a safer way to communicate with me (and she’s right).

When she breaks up, she says all discouraging words to make me believe it’s over and those can change my emotions (and she feels those changes, which make her feel insecure about my love and our potential – it’s like one day I’ll get really tired of her so her self-made prophecy will become true, she’ll lose the man she loved the most).

However, her actions tell a different story from her speach... she never really pulls the plug, and there are signs there that she leaves for me to read them. With time I’m getting good at differentiating speech from behavior, and this helps build confidence, and diminish fears, which are two powerful ingredients to keep my emotions more in check. So, for now texting actually helps in this sense (after some texts we jump to a phone call, normally started by her). Another reason for her texting is, of course, she doesn’t want to keep fighting.

[lacole]

ok all... .

So my b-day was last Friday... .I get home, and my friend called and left me a voice message on my HOME answering machine... .the last place I would have been... .

She didnt call my cell or work numbers, I would have answered one of those phones... she calls on the one number Im least likely to answer... .

Appears she wanted it to look like she was doing the "right" thing, but was able to avoid the emotional connection at the same time... .

Is she avoiding me or afraid to call and actually have me answer?

[dados76]

idk... i like texting... i hate talking on the phone... always seems to take twice as long... if what i want to say is 'im going to the store after work do you want anything?' its a lot faster to text... instead of calling... hi... how are you... im fine... was going to go to the store... after work... ok... do you want anything? idk if we have that or not... ' shoot me

R read someplace that introverted people are more likely to communicate in writing too... were both introverted... most of our communication during the day is writing...

[lacole]

Hi... .I see no problem with texting... .that isnt so much the issue... .the issue really is that that is ALL she does... .no calls at all... .just texting... .for the past 2 months... .ah yes... .except for my b-day... .she called and wished me a happy birthday on my house phone... .the one place I was LEAST likely to be... .

Every week or so I would get this same text... ."Hi, how are you"... then she proceed to tell me that she would call if she could, but cant from work... .really? Why dont you just call me when your not at work if you really wanted to... .it all just doesnt made sense.

Her final text was almost two weeks ago... .I told her if she ever wanted to call and say Hi, or chat... to just give me a call... .of course... I have heard nothing...

I really just dont understand it all?

[TenYearsGone]

My ex uBPDgf refused to speak to anyone on the phone, it all had to be done via text. Even at work she refused to speak to people on the phone, or would get into a real state about being forced to do so. This caused quite a lot of friction with co-workers (who of course were the ones to blame for not understanding her). I remember one night I sat up with her in bed at about 3am whilst she was weeping and shaking. It took about an hour to get it out of her what the problem was - she had to have a phone meeting the next morning with a client.

Strangely enough she did eventually (after 2 years!) talk to me on the phone, but it had to be on her terms. If I rang her, no answer. She would then ring back a couple of minutes later. I guess this was all to do with control. Often when I was away with work or visiting friends/family she would text me and say "I'll ring you at some point tonight, not sure when though." If I missed the call I'd get it in the neck - not in an argumentative way but in a more subtle, "I'm lonely and just want to talk way" (usually said in a childish voice).

The culmination of this attitude came when we finally broke up. It wasn't a clean break, but rather 3 weeks of strange, confusing communications. She said she couldn't talk to me face to face (sent via text) and had to put it all in an email (there were several!). It was weird, whenever I went to see her she almost pretended as though nothing at happened, in the meantime admitting she had cheated on me in an email. Funnily enough none of the texts or emails contained a proper apology - she simply blamed me for everything (you weren't there for me, you put family and work before me etc.).

The worst thing for me was that I have always been a very open communicator but in the final couple of months this woman made me copy her behaviour and I ended up just communicating via text or email.  Even after the breakup I had her mother and friends messaging me asking what the hell was going on. I went to visit her mum about a month later and she thought we were still together... .never encountered anything quite like it! My ex hadn't spoken to a single person about what had happened. During this time she was still texting me the most random stuff, like what was on TV that night etc.

My facial expression at this point was pretty much this... .

[lacole]

Thanks for sharing... .it is all so strange... .

Why do you think this is? Control, emotional detachment, both?

I am a communicator... I will talk about anything, clear the air, etc... .I too found myself only texting her as well... .I did so because I felt like it was my only connection to her... .she wasnt calling, so what other choice did I have... .? Finally, I said enough it enough... no more texting... .if its important enough, if I am important enough, just pick up the phone and call... .I guess she told me just how important I am... .I have heard nothing in almost 2 weeks.

[lawyergirl]

 Hi!

My (ex) sick puppy would text more than call. I was the one always calling. He would always complain if i called or texted or emailed too much... .but if i would stop he would ask me why i stopped or pull me back in... .

 

I heard from ex girlfriends that he would only text them.

My sick puppy only wants to know he is loved... .the other things didnt matter...

[the8track]

In six months we had two conversations over phone. A few Skype chats, though. I was always accused of rushing her off the phone too. Real weird.

Honestly texts are better though. Everything is documented.