BPDFamily.com

Just wanted to pop in and say I miss you all. I have been really busy and trying to focus on my family relationships. Also involved in rekindling my heart through my connections at church and spending some spiritual time alone.

DD had her DWAI trial and was convicted - she still is angry about the unfairness. Using all the tools I can muster to validate and support her in accepting the reality of the sentence to be handed down day after tomorrow. There will be mandatory jail time - now way to know what. There will be a report from probation officer with his recommendations.

DD's bf, in his most self-centered ways, claims his love for her and wants her to take a staight jail sentence so she can follow him to California to work on an illegal marijuana farm - YIKES. Fast path to undoing all the gains she has made in past 6 months taking care of herself in baby steps. Undoing all the work she has done to rebuild her r/s with gd7 too. In his common fashion he did not come home tonight to support her in her panic about going to jail. She has been having some stress related health issues. I cannot dx him - but he is not there for her when she needs him - ever.

Gd7 dx with ADHD traits so dealing with those issues at home and in school plus the dr visits for meds. and continuing be-weekly T visits. She loves 2nd grade - wishes for less home days. Loss of contact with many friends in neighborhood due to our support of DD in our home after last bf attacked her (not at our house, but they are all scared of us I guess!)

Dh has a new boss - much more appreciative of his work. Someone who actually talks to dh! But very disorganized and relies on dh a lot. Very stressful - he mostly crashes in front of TV unless I ask specifically for help with gd. He does push himself to give me an occasional break with homework, etc.

Our money is going negative every month - just can't seem to make enough.

So am doing my best to let go and let God. Giving Him my worries every day, and amazingly it is working to bring some peace in my soul. I am just so dang fatigued by all this. Maybe things will settle into a new routine after court on Thursday for DD.

Thanks for listening to this vent. I will try to check back on Friday.

qcr

qcr,

Hi!.  Great to hear from you, again.  I was just wondering about you the other day.  So, is Thursday the sentencing day?  Any ideas on the length of her sentence?  If she took a straight sentence without probation/parole wouldn't that mean, time of at least, one year? 

It sounds like you are exhausted with dh not being able to help as much.  I can understand that.  There are many days, that I have the blahs and barely any energy.  Unfortunately, those seem to be the days that my dh has had a rough day at work, too.  He is great about picking up my slack when he can.  I could not imagine throwing in the mix caring for my gs, full-time.  I am exhausted on the weeks that I have him, and appreciate the  week break.   Although, I do feel bad for my gs, as I am not a fan of 50/50 custody.   

You are to be admired for all that you do.  I hope whatever the outcome of dd's court appearance, that it brings you peace.  I pray for the best possible outcome for all of you. (hopefully, bf will leave the picture, and your dd is accepting of that)  I hope that she sees that he is really not in her corner. 

Keep up your faith.  I will pray for the continued peace in your soul.   


peaceplease

Hello q and all,

So sorry to hear that your DD got jail time. I hope somehow it works out for the best but I imagine it is very hard to be optimistic about her sitting in jail. So, so sorry for all involved.

bf sounds awful.

Glad your hubby is able to be there for you at least a little bit. Sounds like he is doing his best.

I hear you about finances. We are struggling here too.

I've just gotten back on the computer after a hiatus. My Mom died in North Carolina. I was with her for about a month. Exhausted but glad to be back home.

BPDSD21 has probably lost her job. She is waiting to hear from the company she works for after she no called/no showed at work. She overslept. She is still, ongoingly, working her scheduled shifts... .so for now still making an income.

Her Dad is handling this well right now despite his having been alone for the last month and the expense of traveling to join me for my Mom's funeral. He's not letting himself get too involved in the process of figuring out SD's next move, letting her feel natural consequences, etc. Encouraging her to seek another job while she still has this one. Her boss is on vacation and the decision will come on her return. Telling her he has faith that she will find good outcomes if she gives it her attention. Not quite in those words but he has found his sweet spot in dealing with her for sure.

I feel too overwhelmed to even worry about this right now but it's true my worries are less because S/O is handling his daughter so well. And there is, oddly, a feeling of strength in this. I think you are sharing this feeling qcarolr. Letting go and letting God too. A lot of strength in letting it go. And peace.

Take care of yourself and keep checking in. I still check in regularly even if I don't always make a post.

thursday

qcr - good to hear your voice, sad to hear your news. I hope your dd copes with the coming days and finds some good for herself in jail. Even if we knew it was coming, it is still so hard to take. How your heart must ache with all your burdens. But you are loved and appreciated, all the work you have done for your dd is not in vain. Maybe this is necessary to shake off the bf for good... .I do hope that happens.

I hope your gd becomes more settled now she has the dx and with a more settled world while her mum is inside.

Glad dh has an appreciative boss - when can he ask for a raise   In time, this too should become more settled while he gets used to and accomodates the different style of work.

In the meantime, keep up with your 'acceptance', keep your heart open and know we are here for you. I am sending you love heart to heart.

Thursday I am so sorry to hear about your mum's death. No matter how expected, no matter the circumstances, to lose your mum is a sad thing.

I worry for you when you are struggling financially, it is an unfair world in so many ways. Financial burdens are such a stress and a drain.

Stay strong,

sending Cheers,

Vivek           

Thanks for the hugs. Thought I had all this bundled nicely inside, but the tears are starting to leak out tonight. I am so sad my DD has to go through this. Keep hearing God say to me "Trust Me".  So hard for me to do right now.

Bf showed up this morning while I was at work - here with another friend when I got home this afternoon. Took DD to mail her ballot (we do vote by mail - it came yesterday and she is so happy to vote for president and to legalize mj in our state!). She said to me about bf - i am confused. he is either really here with me, or not here at all. What an awesome thing to hear this insight coming from her. She said she is taking things with him a day at a time to avoid disappointment.

DD left with bf for a 'last night of fun' before court tomorrow at 10am. Hope she doesn't have leaves in her hair - ie. that they have a couch to crash on tonight. She was laughing and I know it is a cover to stop the panic from rising. The jail term can be anywhere from 10 days to one year. Just can't wrap my mind around this tonight. And DD blew off all her bond monitoring stuff the past two weeks - so one year is a real possibility. Gotta just stop thinking for tonight.

Talked with lawyer today - had faxed her a copy of the letter I sent the probation officer with history of her cognitive and mental health issues and how they impact her coping ability. Lawyer really appreciated this info - she suspected some underlying issues but DD had not shared any of them with her. She will try to put DD's last so most people will have left the courtroom. Then the lawyer can share this info with the judge with less stigma and humiliation for DD. She is so private about her stuff -- all of it.

Gd had a really great day. I picked her up from Brownie scouts and she did wonderful. Last year she would not even go unless I stayed to whole time. She even did her little presentation about one of the badges on her own. I am so proud of her. And maybe can give myself a    for being a good grandma after all :)

Well, I really needed a friend to talk to tonight. A real hug would be nice, but I will get warmth from all these virtual ones too. I want to find the courage to call one of my new friends in my bible study group - so hard to face real people sometimes. Need to get gd off to bed anyway. Maybe tomorrow morning.

qcr

can you ask one of your 'new' friends to share a coffee with you in a cafe somewhere? Then you have more 'control' of your emotions because you are in a public place. My experience is that I didn't need to say anything about my problems to feel supported and cared about after a coffee chit chat. I was able to connect with another caring and kind human being who liked me and that was enough.

But my concerns aren't as serious as yours, so my solution may not be enough.

hugs to a good granma,

Vivek          

Qcr, I don't know you at all but wanted to send you a huge hug. Sometimes you just need one. I hope the best for you today. Also,you sound  like  a terrific grandma!

Giving your troubles to God is difficult to do but necessary and sometimes you look up in the sky and you just want to scream ':)O SOMETHING"! I've been having this problem lately but I know He knows best and I remind myself of that.

qcr,

I hope the outcome was favorable in the best interest of your dd.  I hope that her mental illness is addressed and perhaps some help will come her way.  Hoping for blessing in disguises.  

My prayers that she is given the peace to cope with this sentence while she is in jail.  I hope that it is the shorter end of the sentence.  My heart goes out to you.  I know that it is heartbreaking to sit in courtroom with your dd being sentenced.   


peaceplease

many, many hugs to you qcarolr      ,

Things  really sound difficult for you at the moment, but i hoping that you will find the inner strenght to deal with it all.

sending you peace and love.

jsf

DD26 is trying hard. Self-serving bf went to court with us. Was putting pressure on her to take straight jail for ONE YEAR - to "tough it out like the rest of us and be done". Reality check - he wanted to do his own thing without her asking him to be in a real relationship with her - he wants to leave our area to do whatever (though I doubt he goes anywhere). He stepped out on her - I hope she can persevere with letting him go. He is just a jerk and not there for her when she needs him.

Judge gave her 'best deal available under the law'; 45 day electronic home monitoring in lieu of jail time, 24-48 months probation with lots of evaluations, therapy and treatment as recommended, plus COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY! One year jail sentence will hang over her this entire time if she fails at probation. She says she is trying, but is smoking her last pot before she gets her ankle bracelet and meets with probation officer to start moniotring, etc. on Weds.

I wrote a letter to the probation officer to include in his report to the judge prior to sentencing yesterday. I also typed letter from DD stating her desire to have more productinve life on probation. This judge is harsh yet very involved in several diversion programs in the court to help those that are willing to put out the effort with rehabilitation and get out of the legal system.

So I will keep praying for her to have strength and courage to persevere. This will be tough for her, esp. not being able to smoke pot - a daily user now. This is her anti anxiety med - and I have seen how well it does work for her in the moment. I hope she can get quick support to move away from this. Hope they can give her some anti-anxiety meds for this transistion. She did refill her prozac, so this should start helping in about 2 weeks. It has before. She needs to ask for the help she needs. Dh and I can encourage her to make the most of this opportunity to expand her life view. Hoping she can connect quickly with some sober people that can be her friends. She has to stay away from all her current, mostly homeless, friends.

I would like to share parts of my letter tomorrow if I have time. Need to get to bed now. I am tired, but hopeful. Espcially hopeful she can participate in the therapy ordered. The judge said to her there are other ways to learn to manage her intense emotions and make decisions without mj. I think he gets where she is, and saw from my letter how hard she has been trying to past few months.

Thanks so much for being here for me.

qcr

ahh qcr it seems like mixed blessings. I can hear the tiredness in your voice and your worry for the next 12 mths. I do hope that the CBT will be helpful. It could just be the thing that makes the difference. No jail - phew!

I hope that bf has gone for good - oh I do hope so. I hope your dd can get herself back on track, I do.

I'd love to read the letter you wrote, course I'd probably cry  :'( but that would be a good thing  :)

It'll be good to get her off mj I think - once she is past the initial hard time. It is not meant to be physically addictive, so she shouldn't feel any consequences in that way.

I hope she meets some people she can relate to, who are trying to lead a 'positive' life - a different bunch who can give her a differrent perspective.

thinking of you tonight qcr,

Vivek            

qcr,

I think that it sounds like a good outcome.  No jail time!  What was your dd's reaction?  Her bf's?     And, what would he be doing the year that she would be in jail?  Like he would be waiting for her!  I hope your dd gets to the point where she "wants" to kick him to the curb. 

How do you think your dd will manage with the electronic monitoring?  I think with the right med combo may help to substitute the daily pot.  It sounds like the judge had her best interests at heart with a lot of mental health assistance.  Wouldn't this help with SSI?  Sounds like a win win, if she can keep up with it.  But, if they are going to frequent with her, then that sounds like it will work out. 

Will continue to keep you, her, and your family in prayer.         


peaceplease

Hi, qcr 

I´m new in here. 

Your history is so rich and full of delicate situations that can only say that I am here to congratulate you and pray. You are great! I thank you for the example set of faith that you are giving to your daughter, your granddaughter, and all of us here.

God knows everything. And, for sure, May HE bless all of you.

my tenderness to you, you DD, Gd . Stay strong.

Love

Esperança

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Here is the letter - so much of what I have learned and practiced the past 3 years here at bpdfamily.com allowed me the ability to do this letter. My family is growing in a much healthier way day by day. I really believe my letter guided the probation officer and judge to include the Cognitive Behavior Therapy in her probation, along with all the "Track C" evaluations, treatments and therapies. DD will be very busy in next 24 months.

This letter is regarding the options that may be available for the sentence on DD26 DWAI conviction. Her next hearing is on October 18, 2012. A probation evaluation is in process for this hearing.

I am DD26 mother. There are times when she struggles to speak on her own behalf, and she has asked for me to share my observations and experiences with your office. Over the past few weeks DD26 has been working on accepting this conviction and the possible outcomes. Her belief that she is innocent complicates this acceptance. Sometimes she covers up her feelings of anxiety and panic with denial, anger and defiant actions. She has done a really good job of managing all this in our home as she prepares for this next hearing.

She has been working very hard to be a contributing member of our family since she returned to live with us in June 2011. There has been so much progress in many areas of her life and I am concerned that this will be lost unless the sentence can be supportive of her desire to make a better life for herself. DD26 is a very intelligent, compassionate person. When her cognitive processing limits get in the way, her frustration has made it hard to persevere in the past. Experiences throughout her life of stigma and discrimination have put roadblocks in her way for perseverance and success when things feel impossible.

Her cognitive and emotional issues also get in the way of communicating what she wants or needs. Medical records related to these issues should be in the probation office’s files from the 2009-2010 supervision, including copies of the reports of psychological and neuropsychological testing done in 2007-2008. Those tests are consistent with all the testing done since she was age 6. She can give you permission for more information if needed from her health providers.

DD26 has really put in a lot of effort over the past 16 months rebuilding her relationships with us in our home. The greatest improvement has been this past summer and fall. This is especially evident to me in her relationship with her seven year old daughter, also living with us. GD7 now feels comfortable being home alone with her mom, and DD26 is able to spend time with Emma instead of me needing childcare for her. DD26 has been working with GD7 to train our young dogs. This is an example of her growing ability to manage frustration and her intense emotions.  My husband and I have also developed a much more open relationship with our daughter. She adds to the household as she is able, and I am so glad to have her in our family. It is a delight when we are able to calmly discuss and work toward solutions on family issues – or know when to step back and take some time out.

Her panic disorder, intense emotions and depression are very real and contributed to her resistance to some previous programs she has tried such as the community programs at Mental Health Partners and with State Voc. Rehab. Medications have helped some with this, but much of her progress is due to the effort she makes to continue to live in our home.  I believe she is at a better place now, and may be able to benefit from a probation program that supports her cognitive disabilities, her emotional/mental health issues, and her use of some substances to attempt to manage these issues on her own. She also has extremely limited financial resources through the county. As her parents, we do not have any financial resources to help her.

DD26 is asking me to speak here for her, that she wants to move her life in a new direction. She wants to be able to get her GED and other training to get a job even if it only supplements the SSI she has applied for. She wants to have purpose in her life. She is hoping that she can be offered another chance to prove that with the proper support she can be successful in meeting the goals of a probation program, one that supports both her cognitive and emotional needs, while working on the drug treatment mandated by her DWAI conviction.  Research I have read suggests that it takes several attempts before there is success in recovery. DD26 deserves this opportunity for another chance at success.

Please let me know if any other information would be helpful in evaluating DD26’s case.

Sincerely,

qcr

Cc: Public Defender

bf update: no word from him.  Not unusual - he seperates from her 3-5 days at a time, yet gets angry if she gets angry or if she hangs out with other male friends during his absences. DD was questioning this with me before the court date. But for him to sit with her in court and walk away ANGRY that she did not take the 12 month jail sentence ;p     I can only make guesses at what is going on in his warped brain. I hope DD continues to want distance from him and his friends. She has been supported in this already by some other friends in the street community who have ostracized him for this behavior toward her.

An amazing transformation is taking place in every member of my family around being here for DD - to support her choices toward being successful. DD wants to make a better life for herself. Maybe this is exactly what is needed to move us all on a new path - one without as much fear, fewer eggshells crunching underfoot every day, one with more open hopefulness.

Even when I am worn down and tired - and want to hibernate with my books and computer tucked away in my office here at home - it is clear to me that staying connected to people is my most important task. And DD is just the beginning. And I need to be patient with the process - taking one day at a time. Keeping quiet with my family about my thousand thoughts. Keeping quiet with neighbors and family about my thousand thoughts. Listening listening listening --  validating validaiting validating --- lots a prayers for patience.

That is what bpdfamily.com and this board is for, isn't it? I can come here and safely share my thousand thoughts and not trigger anxiety in my family members. I can come here to shed my tears, and not trigger my family members anxiety. And this goes for the neighbors too - my sharing with them has caused stigma against DD and GD based on their fears. Fears of unkowns about DD and her homeless, needy friends that have visited our home.

Seems like a new age has started for us. Thanks so much for being here to share this moment of hope with me.

qcr    *) :)

blessed qcr, what a rock you are, such powerful determination. I am so proud of you 

The letter is clear, logical, undeniable - well done. I think the guys having read it would have felt so much more comfortable making the decision they did. He would have been reassured that her family home was strong and supportive and totally on top of the issues. Undoubtedly your repetition of the word 'cognitive' would have triggered the judge to send her to CBT - yay   


Fingers, legs, arms, everything is crossed for you all. I hope dd realises the lucky escape she has had and can turn to you more and more. I hope that you can manage your own personal ups and downs in all this, to stay on an even keel for yourself and your family. Hope your gd7 continues to settle more and more. And poor dh continues to stay strong too. Balance is a goal eh?


So true. It is from others that we can charge our batteries. I especially like to connect with insignificant others in the street, the shops - smiles, kind words etc all help charge my batteries that life is good. Open communication with dh is essential and it is so easy to return to grunts and snaffles without speaking out loud - maybe that's fine every now and then, but we need to make sure proper communication stays happening.

qcr can i recommend a book that takes validation to a different level. I have almost finished it and I am impressed. It's a more complex set of concepts to absorb but the effort would be rewarding. "Nonviolent Communication - a Language of Life" Marshall B Rosenberg, Ph D. I have borrowed it from the library, it's been around since 2003.

I am happy for you all qcr.

Vivek      *)

Woohoo qcarolr!  Your letter kicked butt and took no prisoners, yet remained perfectly logical and clear-sighted.  Not surprised that they sat up and took notice... .you really left them no alternative.  You showed them (and your daughter) what a powerful advocate she has in her corner with her mom.  To heck with the neighbors and bf    your heart puts them to shame.  I'm sure I'm not the only one inspired by your tenacious love for your dd.  Blessings to your family for continued progress.    L.

Adding my  |iiii   |iiii   |iiii  dear qcr for a letter so well written and for your continued optimism and faith.  I imagine the judge heaved a sigh of relief when he read that letter---"At last!  An easy solution!"---as it was so clear that the best place of your dd is home, not in jail.  No matter how that decision turns out, you have gone so very far in helping her to weather the storm that is her life, that you should feel as if you have done all you could.   And to hear your optimism after all this time inspires me to continue to hope that the situation with our uBPDdil and ds and gd4 will somehow stabilize.  You are awesome!

In the meantime, prayers for peace at home and for a relatively easy transition from the daily mj for your dd.  And for good results from gd's medication.  And for some breathing room for you and dh.  And for a change in the economy for the better---both yours personally, and ours in general.  How's that for a prayer list!          Swampped

Dearest qcr,  

Your letter is flawless. *)

Your writing demonstrates a wisdom inspired by the Holy Spirit , a wisdom built on daily struggle in your brave courage to face reality with an iron fist though your heart, so often, is injured.  

Congratulations on lucidity despite the pain. |iiii

You, to me, is an example of strength and openness to God's grace.

Your daughter does not need lawyers.  :)

Your letter, written with words on fire defended your D from harm.  |iiii

God bless you.

Love

Esperança

I have heard of this book, and somewhere along the line here at bpdfamily.com have made a copy of an excerpt. I will find this book to add to my collection! Even with 'no money' I still buy books, though now on my kindle (my bday gift to myself - asking for nothing from anyone else)

I took my time with this letter - talked with dh as I wrote the outline of the work DD has done in our home, what things she has been unable to improve on (substances and therapy), and how valued she is in our family. A truth is that dh and I need her to be in gd's life as a good, reliable friend as we age. And she has stepped up so much to do this. She continues to state her commitment to doing her best to make this 'house jail' as gd puts it work out and the probation. We have commited a set amount of money to her, to be repaid out of her SSI - have faith she will evenutually get approved. She is openly appreciative of all our help.

3 significant things happened today that support this to me:

We ran into an alteration walking our pups today with a person that does not like dogs and yelled in foul language to gd, dd and I. DD replied in kind as gd and I turned back downt the open space trail - we were letting the dogs play off-leash as everyone does in this area. If she had kept walking quietly our dogs would have come when we called. She started screeching as soon as she saw them with us 50 feet away and down a hill. When we return home DD turned on me as well in her anger - and old pattern of projection when she is overwhelmed emotionally. So I said I was taking a break with gd outside and left for about 1/2 hour. DD got herself managed in that time and we were able to talk about the incident in a calm way over the course of the evening. All of us, including gd's telling her version of the story several times. Amazing transformation.

I had the courage to bring my computer to the kitchen table to listen to a message from last week when I missed church with DD in the same space. She respected this and did her own stuff without much comment. Gd, who wanted to watch wild horse running video from NatGeo was watching it on my kindle - amazed that I figured this one out. Amazing transformation.

BF poked his head into the front door about 7pm. Whoosh - may anger meter peaked. Told him to talk to DD in back yard before thinking he could stay. ( He has been staying with us off and on since July - supposed to be contributing to household expenses and food - we do not want him here with his substance abuse behaviors anymore) Lori wanted him to stay as he is sick - says bad food at the homeless feed tonight. I accused him of being drunk - he said he was the other night but not tonight. So he was allowed to stay tonight and I will drive him and as much of his stuff I can pack into the car to town tomorrow morning. I told DD that she needed someone in her life that could support her sobriety now on probation and he will not be able to do this no matter what he says. This is our experience and i do not expect a miracle for either of them. I told her very directly that we are making huge commitments and sacrifices to support her house detention and probation - time, energy, money - and will not allow anyone in our home that cannot support her on this. AND SHE LISTENED AND AGREED. At least agreed in theory. I expect to be lobbied for him to stay in the morning. I have to see proof of changes in him before I can support their relationship - AA, sobriety, a job. Then DD came upstairs to be with dh and I and gd instead of hanging out in her room with him as she would have done in the past - only a week ago. Amazing transformation.

Keep the prayers flowing - something is working here in me at least. And it seems to be pouring over into everyone else as well.

qcr

Dearest qcarol,

You are being blessed as you are a blessing to others. 

 

I don't know if I am softer than usual, but my tears are flowing for you... .tears of relief and even a sense of joy. The picture of you at the kitchen table is so good. Yeah ok, there'll be setbacks but how good is this?

qcr you have managed such a difficult time. I was telling my dh last night  about some of the journey you have been on, and it seems you have been instrumental in effecting a big transformation in your house. Clear headed thinking, sticking to boundaries, validation, radical acceptance - it all has worked! Imagine how it would have been if you hadn't changed yourself? oh, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Stay focussed, relaxed and you have my permission to be happy 

lots of love to you and yours,

Vivek

This is nice, QCarolr

Let´s pray

love Esperanza

Busy week with getting DD26 set up with all her home arrest and probation stuff. Appt tomorrow for intake on track 2 alcohol/drug classes, then intake week after for her EtG monitoring. still have to look up what that means exactly - instead of breathilizers and UA's they do this 2x a week. Harder to 'trick' system. Also appt with  meds. nurse in 10 days for her to get anxiety meds to replace the daily pot.

Crisis yesterday - bf gone in his pattern 2 days here 3 days gone - DD wanted pot REALLY BAD. We stuck to no way we are driving you or helping with this violation of probation in any way. She pulled all stops out with panic based raging. Dh called 911; DD melted into sobbing heap on back patio trembling/rocking/saying she could not go to jail she would rather die. So much distress - I just sat beside her with tears running down my face. This is how police officers found us. Told them my biggest concern was the suicidal thinking. She assured them she was OK with that - they tried to reassure her she could do home detention - better than jail - parents here for her - etc etc. They left her with us. Local police have good training in mediating domestic situations. Usually takes her a couple days usually to come back from this distress.

Gd and I went to church to do volunteer obligation for 1/2 hour then returned home. After silent treatment of day before did not know what to expect. DD has 2 hour window to do 'errands' on Sunday so invited her to get burger and go shopping for new shoes and groceries at Wal-Mart. It turned in to a really good day. DD thanked me so much for the outing and shoes/t-shirts off discount rack and time out with gd getting new shoes and a cute shirt too. Amazed at her recovery. Stay connected - manage my own emotions - love her in my heart. I used to run away - avoid situation - nothing ever got better that way. This is about being able to validate my own feelings first, then validating DD's feelings and validating gd's feelings. Gd is able to continue to be with her mom too - without the fear and seperation anxiety I have seen in the past.

The thought has come to me that the traumatic event in the open space a week ago has given gd a voice about the trauma of raging - and an object outside the family to aim this distress she feels toward. Coping strategy that is working for - we can work through this over time at home and in therapy. Must be so hard to love your mom and have her yelling mean things at the family in a panic based rage - she is only seven. Reassure her often that dh and I are here to keep her safe.

Tomorrow will see if police report to sheriff at jail or not with their contact yesterday and how that goes with her detention case manager. Have to call in to get window out of range of ankle braclet to go do intake for classes after I get home from work. They said come in anytime and allow 1 1/2 hours. DD has asked that I stay with her in case she has questions. All this paperwork is so stressful for her - she has managed it so far with minimal help from me. I am proud of her.

I am in awe of my ability to stay calm - to hear when anyone around me says 'you are yelling' even when I do not perceive this. Stop, breathe, reset - start again. Let go - God promises he will take care of me if I let go. I am learning to trust this - turning of mind over and over and over to this willingness to participate in my life. DBT skills in action inside my faith. This is only way I can understand the changes in me that have brought changes in my family dynamic. Trying to do it 'on my own', with my own will power, never worked for years and years.

Keep praying for DD to find hope, patience, and keep sharing her feelings with us as they come up. She needs a hobby - she does not have any ideas for this. Wants company to do crafty things I have given her materials for - I have to work and do other things sometimes. She has to learn to tolerate being alone - so hard so hard in the realm of BPD sense of lonliness and abandonment. It is actually good that bf takes his breaks away to allow her this opportunity.

Hope I am not rambling too much here. Just need to share. Enjoyed time to read and post today as DH spent time with gd and dd after he got home today. So often he comes home and dozes on the couch in front of the TV. So grateful for this time today. Realize how much I have taken him for granted over the years in my need to feel in control of every detail. He is a compentent, compassionate man when I step back and let him take over more. Things are seeming so much clearer lately.

I have also checked in with a couple of our neighbors. They all saw the police car here - they know about the home detention and bf coming and going. He is a scary guy - 6'11", skinny with tatoos and deep voice. DD met 3 years ago when homeless - he has lived homeless for since age 16 and is now almost 29. Prefers being outside. Sense of some shift with neighbors toward at least being more accepting of the choices dh and I are making to be here for DD. They all have young kids - fears for their own kids facing difficult teen and young adult years in the hardness of our world today.

Will try to check in this week. Thanks for listening.

qcr

qcr, what can I say? You sound just right, so centered. It seems as if it is working for you and your lovely family. I am so pleased and proud for you. I need to read and reread this to learn from it.

In the face of the raging out of control dd that you and dh are able to stay strong and calm - within the hurt and pain. Radical acceptance, mindfulness and all the other tools available to us, can work when combined with faith and trust. So, even though I don't believe in god, I can do it still with my own faith and trust in the universe... .probably the same thing eh? The point is, it can work.

I pray for you in my own way, you are in my heart,

Vivek      

Dearest, Heron

You´re my hero! What a brave heart. You´re so strong.


This will my advive for myself everyday!

You are so caring mother and grandmpther. Your family, we all here, and friends , and family are proud of you.



Esperança

She is facing the reality of giving up her addictive coping mechanism... .marijuana... .I hope that she can get an rx for anxiety that helps her...

That you can empathize and express your empathy through healthy emotions qcarol is a testament to the condition of your heart... .a heart of love.


You are so right qcarol... .to be able to fully understand and practice validation for anyone else we must first be in touch with our own emotions and emotional thoughts and validate SELF.


:)


God has waited patiently for you to come to Him qcarol... .He will be faithful to you.


We have missed you!   


Your dh is your life partner who loves you... .let him help.  Each of us has gifts to offer to others... .his may not be expressed as you would express... .that doesn't make them wrong... .only lovely in a different way.



lbjnltx

Quick note to say things have settled into a routine with DD now that she is registered with the couseling center and the T may be acceptable to D. She had her first sustance abuse class, and is set up for her EtG & drig testing and the price is very manageable. They are accepting her adult medicaid to pay for all the classes. Bf has been here for a couple days at a time - and was very direct with us about needing time away and to not take it personally - he appreciates our allowing him to be in our family when he is able! As I am able to be calm, focused, centered my family is better too. Validating myself first - that is my KEY after letting God hold my worries.

qcr 

Congrats, qcarol |iiii

Glad to hear things are going well.  

You are truly very focused and able to accept differences. And your faith certainly leverage your wisdom. It´s grace received through the Holy Spirit.

Would you explain to me how to validate myself? My difficulties in validation, I believe, come from my complete ignorance about the technique of validating myself.

thank you

Esperança

Validating myself - hard to get this. When I first read "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg this idea is what really caught my attention - that validation only works if I am able to be truly sincere. And to be sincere I have to overcome my deep resentments and anger at the pain and despair carried into my life by DD26. Even coming to understand and accept that this is part of her mental illness acting out - getting in my thinking - it took a lot of time and practice to integrate it into my heart. To find the 'Wise Mind' place of balance. I have been practicing so many skills for about 3 years now.

There are other things I have read that helped me to 'get' taking care of my own needs. I will think on what these are and get back to you.

qcr

Reading reading reading - books, workshops, articles. Then practicing new ideas, tools, skills over and over and over. Not getting it - reading things again. And writing writing writing so much of my story here. Learning to let go of my defensiveness to listen and hear what so many other wise people here at bpdfamily.com had to say in response. Allow this all to sink in and change how I view so much in my life.

The other books that helped me along the way:

"The Essential Family Guide to BPD", Randi Kreger

"Overcoming BPD", Valerie Porr (though much of what she had to say I resisted hearing at first)

"Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions", Harvey and Penzo (to help with gd7, though helps with DD26 just as much)

"The Power of Validaiton",  Hall and Cook (also to help with gd, but gained so much with DD. Have offered this book for her to read to understand why I do what I do with gd - there is conflict when I over-ride DD's invalidating reactions with GD)

I have learned that I can only change myself - my patterns of behavior, thinking, reactions to others behavior, thinking. Yet as I have started to integrate my new skills (and remember I have been diligently working at this for over 3 years since DD got BPD dx at age 23 on top of her depression, anxiety/panic disorder and bipolar) I see so much improvement in everyone in my life: Dh, gd7, DD26, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors. The darkness in my life is starting to lift. Renewing my spiritual connections has also been a part of this integration - balancing my intellectual drive for knowledge with the love in my heart. Finding 'wise-mind' on a more regular basis.

The other thing I searched out was exposure to DBT skills training and practicing ":)etachment with Love" (Al Anon philosophy) and Radical Acceptance (DBT skill). I read, I worked with the child/family T for my gd7, I worked with a private T for a short period, I participated in a DBT skills group for 10 weeks (referred by T, was for teens and parents/caregivers -- interesting fit as I was raising my gd and really still 'raising'/letting go of my grown daugher. They averaged out to being adolescent!)

Most importantly I just never gave up hope for long - knew I would always love my D no matter what, and even if I could not be in her physical presence. And I learned to stop running away from issues with her and never coming back to them. She asked for this, and I finally heard her. It is just awesomly amazing that we can talk about stuff for the first time in our lives together - like bf stuff, gd stuff, our r/s stuff, her substance use stuff (esp. since she is in our home on house arrest without access to her beloved pot). And she is coping each day with her panics, BOREDOM, and weight gain due to above, and bf not being available for her since he is not willing to be drug/alcohol free. He does respect that he cannot be here to visit unless clean/sober, so he is gone for days at a time. DD quesitons whether he is 'using' her as a recovery house between his absences. She is asking valid questions that I am able to validate with questions in return - or guesses about what he means by what he has shared with me. I am so proud of her. And so fearful of her failing to keep on this path and ending up losing so much by being in jail a year as the alternative. Or taking her life if she fails probation and is on her way to jail. Have to put these thoughts to the back of my mind and give the heart piece up to God who has promised to take care of me if I keep doing this. I am learning to trust this message given to me.

Sorry this got so long - feels good to write my story here. Thanks so much for listening and responding.

qcr

Hi Esperanza,

another way to think about validation is to consider it in terms of unmet emotional needs. We all have unmet emotional needs, but often we just go through life without thinking exactly what they are, and we act out of habit. This is from 'nonviolent communication - a language of life' Rosenberg.

To understand my own unmet needs I looked to my closest values - for me respect is the one that is most important to me. Perhaps because I feel like I have not been treated with respect all my life... .now I hope that I am treating myself with more respect than ever. I do my best to look after my physical and emotional and mental health. I am more aware of these things and I am trying to look after myself first - after all what good am I to anyone if I allow depression to take hold etc.

Then I tried to notice those things that my dh does that upsets me automatically. I try to name his behaviours/words, so I could identify them and then figure out why I get upset. eg, my dh just before got superdefensive when I said something a little angry. He is super defensive so much and doesn't hear me properly. So this defensiveness is an attack on me - not very respectful. Well, ok I need to work on that with him, but in the meantime, I do something that will help me feel respected - I logged on here! Posting here helps me reflect on my own unmet needs and in doing so, I can ease the little aches and pain that all add up.

So, it is the self talk in my head that is my validation. I return to my core value - respect. And I remind myself to behave with respect always and not speak sharply to my poor dh. I tell myself to accept that dh has an issue with feeling that he is picked on and to work with that, not against it. If I want change there, I have to change before he can. I need to detach myself from those things that cause me to have a mild panic, (I had stuffed up an order for another person and dh was complicit in the stuff up) I need to accept those things I am not so good at and work at ways to make them better.

I validate myself in many little ways in action and in thought, I try to fill my own unmet needs. I work to accept what I cannot change, and meet my own needs - they are my responsibility. If I can't meet them, then I need to accept that and work with what I can.

Finally, all of this is about 'me'. Ultimately, I need to let go of my ego and accept that 'it' is not about me.

For you Esperanza I will call on the gospel of St Mark. Jesus said this is my commandment to you, love one another, as you love yourself, for the love of me - or something like that. I translate that as: because I am of the universe and for the universe, I recognise the innate goodness in me and I give to others in loving kindness.

Now I hope that doesn't sound like a whole lot of gobbledegook and I hope it helps. My ideas are big and my words are little vague... .

cheers,

Vivek   

And us too. We are with you all the way and are so holding hope in our hearts for you all. qcr, with every step forward there is a consolidation of the good work, good efforts, good communiction - every day builds on the days before. We have good reason to hope.

Is there room to begin to consider some easy self care techniques with dd for when little things irritate, or are you doing that sort of stuff already? When does her CBT begin, or has it? Are you talking with her new T?

so many questions for you eh? and there's another!

lots of love for you and your family,

Vivek      

 Hi!

Dear, qcaraolr and Vivek ,

You are teaching me a lot. I bought books on Amazon but have not yet arrived. In the meantime, I have searched, searched through the internet. Unfortunately, here in Brazil we have no specific literature on BPD. I thank the site and because, at the moment is my only place of return consistent. I live in a small town in northeastern Brazil. I´ve and I was born in São Paulo, the largest city in Latin America, but I decided after I retire, come live here in this quieter place. then need to "import" everything. Thanks to internet not feel isolated because I have access to the world but it takes a while for the books to arrive.

 I´ve been in psychoanalytic therapy as a patient for over 25 years. Acquire a good ability to realize my limitations, my neuroses, fears and guilt. During treatment of DS needed, somehow, to modify the way understood things up because the soul being diagnosed with BPD ... DS was just an addict and AN Al-anon and are very rigorous not give much importance to aspects such as the fears, anxieties and pains of an ego that is more porous as I see the DS is. BPD serum is much more painful than addiction, pure and simple. BPD is the pain of a false self ... .someone with a wound exposed burning all the time.

Then, after the relapse of DS, accidents, outbreaks in Indonesia, things took on a different color. My fault increased. And therefore I am very interested in this aspect of validation for myself.

You two are teaching me more than you know.

I have difficulties with the English language as it is not my mother tongue and I struggle to express myself.  I studied English since childhood and had to learn to read and speak for my profession required fluency in English, French and German (this language  lol. ... never been able).

Qcarolr, your ability to handle circumstances absolutely delicate, complex is great for me. I feel a strong desire to meet you, Vivek , Heronbird, mothers and other women who struggle. My fantasy is to spend days staying at an inn near the house of yours and get to learn from you - my school live! You have no idea how much you help me to understand and be more compassionate when giving your testimony. I hope that after 3 years I will be able to improve. Follow your steps. Your bravery and continence - ability to give lap and at the same time, prepare your daughter for the situations so difficult that she may have to face makes me wonder. See, qcarolr how you are able to enlarge your/our humanity, your love is a rare gem ... .you fight, fight and fight. Persevere. And so I will. In the name of Jesus.

Vivek , I know my best is change myself and through that change, get people around me to learn from me. is a kind of conversion. Christ also taught us well: first convert and after, leave  preaching the Gospel to the example of your own life.

You know, Vivek , my greatest value to me is compassion, peace between people, so that's why I need to fight this together.

I still do not know how to validate myself, my husband and DS. There is a voltage. dh is a righteous man who understands care of DS but I do not want this disease will take us away. I love him very much and do not want him to feel pushed aside because my attention is completely focused on DS. By the other side, DS is my Son! Blood of my blood (I´m so dramatic   ) but my feeling. then need to talk to dh but he doesn´t like a lot of talking so I need to do little things that he loves: food, attention.

This text is getting too long but I feel so good about getting a conversation with you]. I realize that neither time pass.

Thank you. I printed these posts to read and re-read and leaving me drenched with all your knowledge. Thanks so much for all your careful attention. you are like  guardian angels, always present. So pray for you as I pray for my guardian angel all the nights, before go to bed, and every mornings as well.

Vivek , thanks for the words of the Saint Marcus gospel´s words.  It´s hard to love myself!

Now i´ll go to read other posts.

Since I found this site, I spend long periods of my day here like I'm doing another college. A kind of e-learning college. And it's much more than that. Here I magnify my conversion. God bless this site. And certainly, thanks to Him, I found you.

Love

Esperança

Esperanza, you are sweet     

You will have learnt that one of the ways that I teach myself what I should do, is by responding to the posts of others... .

I know how you feel about the site here, I feel the same. It has been my lifeline - I shudder to think where I would be without it.

My dh is Spanish born, while he is a sensitive man, I do struggle with his desire to pretend that he can continue in the same way with his dd, he doesn't want to change. He is a difficult man. But I am working on it. 

Cheers,

Vivek  

Just an alert - this is kind of a vent about my life. Need to unload my mind tonight before going to bed. Get your cup of tea or coffee and settle in for my story. As dh is going to turn off the bedroom lights, he asks "what are you doing?". I say to him that I am sharing my story with friends out there that are able to listen. I cannot talk in my home about my thoughts (DD is here and I do not want her to over hear, or gd) and I do not have my own T available, I do not have a close friend, the neighborhood moms do not want to hear too much of my story - it is too scary for them with their young kids, some also have issues with emtions and behaviors, my family has isolated themselves from our situation since DD has returned to our home past 16 months. They do not understand my love for her, and how much more distressing her being evicted and homeless was for me and for gd. And I have learned so much on how to better manage myself and maintain my values and boudaries so I can listen quietly to DD -- so she is becoming able to open up with me. And I am all she has right now being detained in our home. But she could be angry and hostile as in the past, yet she is not. She is quiet, and sharing so many of her feelings with me. I have never experienced this level of vulnerablity in her EVER BEFORE. Even as a child she was secret about all her feelings, plans, ideas, stories -- as if sharing them with me she would lose them and become invisible -- lose herself.

About my dh - he is very slowly taking in what i am able to share with him in words, with short articles left on the nightstand or end table, and more importantly by my different actions in our home. He has been so loyal to me, gd and to DD - still being here after so many years of distress. I have always been a moody person myself - depression, suicidal thinking, such self-focus, dissociation for as long as I can remember. This was very bad in college - away from my loving family feeling so lost and alone - so hard to open myself up to friendships. I was always so afraid of people -though this often did not show on the outside.

I came from a big family, oldest girt, felt lots of responsibilities for my siblings ( whether this was anyone else's reality I do not know), lots of babysitting with neighbors as a teen. Always assumed I would be a mom - that I knew what to expect. Married at age 20 - thought I was all grown up. Then the baby never came - so much grieving. Convinced dh the answer was adoption - long wait of 4 years for DD to come into our lives at age 3 weeks. So overjoyed to finally be a mom, did not really hear the troubles that were there in 'cradle care home' - colic, not sleeping, foster family exhausted... .  So DD was a challenge for us from the first day - and I read all the 'difficult child' books, went to therapy for myself -- but see now that I was not at a place to be able to learn what was being taught. So many times offered family therapy that failed - often after only a couple visits. Some of this was dh strong denial that we could not 'fix this ourselves' - the money and time to professionals was a waste. He did not seem to get my distress level - I can know now that he was so very distressed himself, he was doing the best he could. I became very depressed and tried to take my life with meds. overdose when DD was just 5 - dx bipolar, major depression 2 years before. I was actually in a day treatment program and on meds. when I did this OD. I still carry guilt about how this must have impacted my little girl - the abandonment of it that I can know of with the BPD dx when she was 23. Yet I am also able, now, to accept that I was doing the best I could at the time. Back then, I believed that my family was better off without me - that my depression was bringing too much harm into their lives. And I could not walk away.  I am so very very thankful that I was also able to call out for help so that I can be here today. And free for the past 15 years from the constant battle with suicidal thinking - thanks to meds that work for me.

I always tended to put DD's troubles into my own model of mental illness. And she got similar dx at young age as I searched for answers and how to make things easier for her. Age 4 dx ADHD; age 6 violent behaviors (made worse by the ritalin for the ADHD I figured out later) was inpatient at psych hospital dx with bipolar as well, and they discovered a serious non-verbal learning disability. She is very intelligent, but limited in a couple very specific areas in processing information. It has taken me so long to really understand - get into her shoes - about how this has impacted her life.

DD was telling me today, as we processed rumors of her bf being with someone else, and no one calling her, visiting her, seeming to care about her from her group of 'friends' - that she is the stupid one - this is how the homeless clan she has been bonded with for the past 3 years really see her - at least in her own mind.  And she cannot go out and search for bf to confront him, to confront the others - woudl get herself into more trouble anyway    This home arrest is such a good thing for her in some ways - so much effort for me though. I am the substitute friend right now - she so needs me to help her navigate all the forms, appointments, costs and fees, etc etc etc.  And for a change she is able to show me sincere appreciation for all my efforts and time with her. She is not doing her daily pot, though she is on mild tranqualizers for her anxiety and panic. She is starting to get headache - hope not a migraine (this is what medical pot is licensed for). No pot on probation, even if the new law in our state passes next week to make it 'legal' - the same as alcohol is regulated.

Gd tonight said her mom admitted to her that she DOES BELIEVE IN GOD. Gd has been struggling with her mom's comments that believing in God is stupid. To GD, stupid is a very bad word - very powerful. Gd has been very connected to the spiritual world in nature from a very young age. Asking hard questions about God since she was about age 3. I stopped going to church in 1999 when my church went bankrupt, and could not take dh's attitudes toward my going to church anymore - he chose not to go with me, and DD also stayed home as it was too embarrassing to show her learning disability there. Gd and I have been going to church for about 8 months, invited by our close neighbors. Hard for me to meet these new people, gd now not wanting to go - bacause of her mom's comments  ?  But little gd is persistent is questioning her mommy about her beliefs. Maybe DD said she does believe to get gd to leave her alone - this is one of DD's patterns. DD does not see it as 'lying' - only taking care of herself to keep from getting too angry.

Geez - this is such a random conglomeration of thinking tonight. Guess I am wondering wondering about how calm it all is, and trying to take it a day at a time. Always knowing this wonderful light in my home could go dim at any moment. Yet, it is different than any time before in some ways. What are these things? I think there is some level of trust - i have admitted to DD that I was a really 'bad' mom to her at times when she was young - even to the point of emotional abuse when I was so depressed and unavailable to her - saying horrible things. It took so long for the right meds to get invented to manage my bipolarII - lamictal it is for me. And I have worked so hard to become more consistent. And honestly, DD has reached out and demanded for me to listen to her - really listen to her, and stop shutting down and walking away and never wanting to work through the hard stuff with her. And so much of the validation i have done for myself - as Vivek  has been sharing - figuring out what my unmet needs are and taking care of them myself.

So often I have expected others in my life to take care of the unspoken needs - even unspoken within myself. This is especially hard when I was expecting my child, and then grandchild, to know what I needed and to behave in ways that took care of ME.  I think reading 'Screamfree Parenting' is what really turned the corner for me. I forgot about this book. It really focuses on the parent staying calm, taking care of their own needs first, so they can really be there for their kids. Maybe this is the difference I can see in some of my neighbors homes, where there is a quieter environment in general. I have to calm myself first, and remember the goal is to say connected to my child. I also gained this same advice from reading "The Highly Sensitive Child" - as my T suggested after meeting gd at one of our sessions when I could not get childcare. I carry 3x5 cards in my purse (pg 187) with the "What to Do in a Meltdown" and "When the Meltdown Continues" The first step in both sections is to stay in control of yourself. " Remember child is out of control so stay in control of yourself"   "Keep control of your own feelings. Remeber your child is overwhelmed, NOT rejecting you - controlling or manipulating - not wanting to hurt you."  There are 7-8 steps after this first one for each section. This is the one that has helped me the most with both my girls - DD26 and gd7. And everything I have studied to be a better parent with gd than i was able to be with DD has been such a great help with both of them. And with dh too.

I have had to really focus on keeping centered in the relationships in my life. Coming here is so easy for me - spending all my spare moments either reading books or venting my thoughts or gaining perspective reading others posts. I had to cut my time on my computer at home to an 1/8 of the time. I also need more sleep to manage my emotions. DD being on bond for 7 months, then her trial and sentencing and now her house arrest and 2-4 years of probation -- well I have chosen to be here for her. And she has chosen to allow me to be here for her. And we are both working to keep each other accountable for our actions, words and deeds. And it feels so very good to be able to let my loving kindness and compassion flow out into my family uninhibited by my thinking thinking thinking whether this is the right moment for love or not. I have stopped asking others for their opinions about all this - I know that God is here with me and his love is endless so I can get filled back up as I pour out what I have. However anyone here is able to let go and accept the guidance of that power outside themselves - it is worth the risk. I just could not do this under my own will power. This is a lot from the Radical Acceptance practices I started over 2 years ago. My willingness to take on my life for the next moment, then the next moment.

It is working, at least for now. We will see how it is working tomorrow. Bf finally contacted DD today after a 5 day silence and will be here to visit tomorrow. DD has chosen to accept whatever friendship he is able to offer. We had a lot of talk today about needs - hers and his - and what she is willing to accept or not in this relation ship. He is very direct and honest about needing time away - that he is not willing to be sober and clean of drugs all the time here with her (no drugs or alcohol is the #1 house rule now, well #2 after kindness and respect).

We distracted today by folding all her clothes - that were covering the washer/dryer/floor of her room/ shelves in her room and into the family room. She cleaned out her room, and we put them all away in neat stacks on her shelves. What an accomplishment. And I would not let us stop when she wanted to quit - with everything piled around the family room.

It is midnight here now - need to go to bed so can get to work tomorrow. Thank you so very much for any who made it through all this - your are truly my BFF's.

qcr

Dear qcarol,

So very good to hear how much growth and peace are taking place in your home and in your relationships with your gd, dh, and dd.  It has not been that long since you were in a quandry about whether or not to allow dd back into the home.  So glad that you are able to benefit from making that very difficult decision.

Remember that no matter how difficult a situation may seem God is working it out for your good... .for your growth and maturity in relation to Him.


lbjnltx

 Hi!

Dear qcaraolr,

This text brings good feeling excellent work being done by you and DD. No matter what happened, you both fought hard and survived. you kept the family together and strong. You planted love in solid ground, well built by your courage in face all the suffering with your brave heart and sharp mind open to that pain was redemptive.

Congratulations! You are a source of inspiration. "HOPE alive in the midst of chaos, grief, loss, fear, anger, resentment" and I´d add agape love.

Esperança

Dear qcarol:               You have no idea how your thoughts about all of this BPD business help me as we struggle with our DS, uBPDdil and gd4.  You are an angel  , and I think you are here to help keep me focused on what really is important.  Thank you, ever so much... .  Swampped 

qcr   ,

What can I say? Your honesty touches me deeply. I hear disbelief at how well it is working, a fear of what if it changes - as well as strength, courage, determination, kindness and thoughfulness and all those other good things... .

I think that living in the moment, with calmness and respect in your lives must be magic. This is how it should be.

The thing about all this is that each positive builds on previous positives until there is no more room for anything but positives... .that is what you are building a world for your family of positivity, a world of hope where possibilities can become realities.

Keep strong, keep on track using those things that you know work,

returning to you the love that I have felt from you, in bucket loads - building love upon love too eh?

Vivek      

ps sleep well

qcr,

How funny that you would say grab a cup of coffee or tea.  I was just thinking, I wish  had some decaf tea to sit and drink while I visit with the "girls" tonight.  lol 

You are doing an amazing job.   I can imagine that it must take a great deal of patience with your dd being under house arrest.   I am so happy that therapy was ordered for her.  And, I hope that she can follow the guidelines to remain out of jail.  It must be really hard for her to want to go talk to her bf, and she is confined to the house.  However, you are doing a great job of distracting her.  I can imagine these things that she is hearing make her want to smoke pot to cope.  I am curious what medication is she on?   

My dh just walked in and wanted to know what I was reading.  I think that sometimes he is worried that I may have found some "cyber" bf.  I spend way too much time on the computer.  And, I have been working on cutting my computer time down.  The computer can lead towards an unproductive day for me.  I am making a day a week that is computer free.  Although, I tell my dh that this is therapy for me. And, I really have no friends that I talk with, either.  However, I have a friend from Canada in town visiting.  All of my friends have moved away.  I miss having a friend to go out with.  I cherish when my friends come back to our hometown for a visit.

ScreamFree parenting sounds like a good book that I would like to check out.

Well, my dh is telling me that it is 11:00 and time to get off. lol  I guess that is a good idea, anyways.  Time for me to unwind and get ready for bed. 

So, I must say good night.   


peaceplease

My husband, too, is worried about me coming here.  He said that he thinks it upsets me, perhaps too much talk of our problems with dd.  I told him that whether I am here or not my mind is always on worries with dd.  Besides, he can't stand it if I talk too much about her to him.  He is in pain, still waiting to be scheduled for hip replacement surgery, and even under normal conditions can only hear me go on and on for so long before it starts to upset him.  Trying to find balance between our two different needs.  I need this outlet.  Thanks, everyone, for being here.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a chat room here?  There is one on my menopause site and so nice to talk in real time.

I love your words qcarol

Update: I have trascribed the following from a message I sent a friend. Even with the intensity the holidays bring for me, and the continuing distress my DD26 is living - she is being open, honest, aware and asking for help in ways that can bring it to her. I am in awe daily of her healing and growth. There is a short Christmas message at the end.

I am really tired so hope this message makes some sense! Feel like I want to share my day yesteday, and it has been so long.

I am drawn to discover a women's ministry, and to have DD join with me in it, to homeless and poverty stricken women. Focused on the individual woman, and working to find her a healthy path. Maybe even to reconnect, if safe, with family. As I listen to DD in her reaching out to share her homeless experiences with me I am so touched by the need - for safety, care ,and for understanding in the broader community. There is something out of balance in the current socio-political emphasis on 'irradicating homelessness'. They speak of providing housing first and other services after that - but I do not see this reality coming any time soon. Lack of funding, lack of broad community support. Women are so dependent on some male to protect them - someone to pull their blanket or sleeping mat up next to - this often forms a tentative relationship that comes and goes. I can so clearly see in DD's stories her solid values, and her strength in keeping her boundaries in place all along her journey. And she seems to know when to give care of some type and when to walk away.

She is so very anxious, panicky about meeting with her probation officer on Thursday - from just sitting in the waiting room he appears to be a very arrogant rooster with a big head. I know this is a judgmental statement. I sense that he will not understand DD's limitations - or he will see them and prey on her weaknesses. She tearfully expressed these same beliefs to me this evening. The probation officer at the court house transferred her supervision to this private provider. I have offered to call with her tomorrow to see if the officer that did her probation evaluation can take her back to do direct supervision. She has opened up so much - her counselor at the clinic where she does her alcohol/drug monitoring and her court ordered alcohol/drug classes has reached made an impression on Lori very quickly. She feels a connection. And she has asked for private counseling - billed to her medicaid - that will meet the CBT ordered by the judge! T has offered to begin this with her this week!

T has motivated DD to realize she wants to be a counselor - starting as an intake counselor at an alcohol/drug recovery clinic. We talked about this - did some searching on the internet. She has no credentials to jump into this. So she seems willing to look for volunteer work to get her foot in the door somewhere. This is so awesome - esp. since only a short month ago she still believed that she had no interest or ability to do anything, and that volunteer work was a waste of time without pay.

She has great fear of going to jail this week because she missed 3 UA's while she was sick with her facial cellulitis. I know and understand her fears of humiliation with a big bandage on her face to go out into public. When we went to see the lawyer it was dark and she pulled her hoody over her face. But how do you say this to a jerk that is supervising her probation! I need her here - she has become such a valuable part of gd's life - and her attentions to gd has balanced some of dh and my frustration in coping with gd7's intensity. DD so gets her daughter, and is wonderful with her - using humor to settle her. We are truly finding the path to co-parenting. DDwent with me to meet with the pdoc last week and expressed her concerns very clearly.

She is also intently looking for a 10-12 hour a week job - dishwasher, bagel shop... .She has registered with online job sites, she has reached out to a few people she knows that live sober lives. One of them is manager at a bagel shop. I called to get a copy of DD’s referral letter from her State Voc. Rehab assessment job last fall - and the reception would not allow her access to the case worker since her case is closed. I have been blocked by this woman before. So I called and left a message with the office supervisor, who I have talked to a few times over the past 3 years, like when DD was needing a job back in 2010 to avoid jail on her other DUI. She ended up spending 30 days in jail - and she cannot tolerate the idea of a one year sentence. I do believe she would be very suicidal if this happens, and would lose so much of what she has gained in the past few months.

This is what has motivated me - I am her life coach. This is more than being her mom. And she is now accepting me in this role - and willing to do all she is able and to honestly let me know when there are demands on her that she just cannot process. She could get so much more if she was dx on the autism spectrum - I do believe this may be her underlying disability. I will pray for her to be heard tomorrow by the probation department. She needs out from under the burden of the private company that seems so heartless to both of us -- everyone that has touched her life there is harsh and judging. You can hear it in the conversations of the receptionist on the phone, of overheard conversations between offices.

Please keep DD in your prayers as we take this on - the probation situation, her release from home detention (both on thursday), her job application at the bagel shop ( her SSI new application was denied again - we are traveling 1.5 hours to the SSI lawyer in Parker Friday to sign releases as she is willing to do the appeal). I think this denial and the long window of an appeal has motivated her to look for work that will not jeopardize the SSI - she must be willing to reveal her situation to the owner and manager a job to be successful for her. She is very conscious of the financial burden she has put on the family and contributes the little she gets from the county. She wants to do more.

This has morphed into a long long story. Guess I am sorting out my thoughts. I want to share a devotional. This gives me hope and courage. And focus during this season of sharing. Accept it as you will from your own spiritual place.

This is from Max Lucado twice daily edition "Grace for the moment". December 1st, evening::

"Sing praises to the LORD... .Tell the nations what he has done." psalm 9:11

You have Christmas every day. Your gift bears, not toys and books, but God himself.

His work: on the cross and in the resurrection. As a result, your sin brings no guilt, and the grave brings no fear.

His energy: it's not up to you. You can do all things through Christ, who gives you strength.

His lordship: he is in charge of you and looks out for you.

His love: what can separate you from it?

Who could imagine such gifts? Who could imagine not opening them?

Make a list of the ways you have been helped through the gifts of God's energy, his lordship, and his love.

My response:

I have a place in this earth, this life.

Peace in myself and peace given in my family

Healing with my neighbors and release from my arrogance and judgments

Giving Him my worries and knowing I will have what I need when I ask.

"And in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I pray for dh and DD to hear this message through my actions, and gd's witness. I see God working so much good in their lives as well.

And my thoughts and prayers are with all my friends here at bpdfamily.com daily.

qcr

Wow, so much going on for you and your DD but it sounds like you both are in a good path.  I will pray for both of you and I hope that all goes well with her probation officer and her job hunt and all else.

Thank you for sharing your devoltion with us.

Griz

qcaroir,

Interesting that you think your dd's underlying disability would be somewhere on the autism spectrum.  A DBT psychologist told me recently she sees an Aspergers diagnosis in the dossiers of many of her clients who later develop BPD.

The details of your story are so encouraging.  Every TLC matters.

Reality

Wow, Wow!

Dearest qcr and dearest qcr´s  :)D!

You´re amazing! I´m very happy . This updating gives me hope. You are doing a great job.

It sounds so good this women ministry! This is  amazing!

Qcr, please read this  , in your head, to DD

I will pray for you- DD - when you be heard tomorrow by the probation department. I´ll pray for your guardian angel! For sure you have a very strong and careful one.

Dear Qcr, you worked a lot, you should write a book with dd about all these years recovering your hole family. Your story is a encouraging example i would like to see be shared with many people who still suffer without hope.

I´ll pray tomorrow , i´ll pray today... .

"And in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Love you

thank you qcr   

"my peace I give to you, my peace I leave with you, not for love alone, but that you might give it again - to all men" (and women!) a refrain that I sing to myself - from the deep recesses of the past.

Vivek      

griz, reality, esperanca_HOPE, Vivek  - thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you are here with my family. It is like my DD has come home to us for the first time in her entire life. I cannot remember greater joy in being with her. She is so worried about going to jail tomorrow because she missed 3 monitoring times though only one was listed on the report as "non-compliant". DD may ask for me to sit in the meeting with her as a silent observer - she is willing to ask for this accomadation for her cognitive disability :) |iiii  Finally - taking care of herself in a productive way.

qcr

good luck and letus know how it goes, ok?

thinking of you and yours,

Vivek      

qcr,

You and family in my thoughts and prayers.   I am in awe of how much your dd has progressed. |iiii

 


peaceplease

where is the heart icon?

Guess it disappeared for holiday greetings. will hope for it to return next year 

DD is free of her ankle bracelet - the deputy let her cut it off herself today while I paid at the money kiosk at the jail. Then she checked in with her probation officer - with the report of this success. Everyone at the probation office was in a good mood today. They were so very grumpy last month. Maybe the Christmas spirit has ahold of them - the lobby was nicely decorated. Whew. Done with that for another month. And they did not as her do to a UA as she had been told. Guess they are trusting her clinic as she also brought their report for UA's and receipts for her classess. She has only missed when she was sick with her facial infection which is totally healed - and the 4 days of IV antibiotics seems to have cleared up some other lingering illness - she says she has more energy than in a long time. Or she was growing out of her cocoon - from a hungry caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly...   When I said this to her she said - well butterflies can get into trouble too. Not if they are cautious where they fly!

So now I get the chance to share some of DD's story - I too am in awe of her growth while she was cocooned in our home for 45 days. She did a lot of pondering. She gave with joy to her daugther, dogs and appreciation daily to dh and I for allowing her to be in our home and providing the financial support for her to even do house arrest and probation. She also knows that this will be withdrawn, at least the fianacial part, if she lets down her guard and does not comply with the probation. I did this in 2009 with her first DUI, though I was so very enabling of her with her drug using friends for 6 months before we evicted her.

We have talked several times about the events of that year, and for the couple years before that. She is sharing stories of her life homeless that I can hear now. I could not have taken them in even a couple months ago - I would have shut them out, withdrawn to my computer and books. I am awe of how I have grown. She has openly answered my honest questions about her drug use - what it was like, how it made her act, if she was high those times she was raging and we called the police. She is asking for me to go with her to next pdoc appt. and ask for Adderal. She is accepting the ADD that was first dx when she was 4. I think her daughter's recent dx with ADHD and anxiety -  and the benefits we see from a non-stimulant med for the anxiety and hyperactivity - and her visit with me to gd's pdoc last week - all these have opened her mind to her own need. And she can sense that she could think so much more clearly when she used small amounts of meth - and was in trouble if she used too much - and she wants to have this effect in a safe, monitored way. She talks of 'checking out' when not on anything - not sure if this is some kind of dissociation or other neurlogical event. She sees how gd is able to communicate her ideas, stories, needs, feelings and that she could never do this as a child, and often as a young adult. She is accepting that there is a processing link in her brain that is just not there. This is the non-verbal learning disability (right-brain based injury most likely pre-natal or genetic). I told her when we were talking today that all the neurphsych testing done since age 6 has been consistent in this profile of how her thinking works. Also the T at her clinic for her probation monitoring and counseling seems to really 'get' DD's issues - naming them with her and then DD says 'yes, that is what is going on!'. There is so much hope here that she will be able to participate in the CBT. She listens when I say you can learn so much to help you move forward in your life with the therapy. :) :) |iiii

She also practiced letting go of her bf since she was not able to follow him around out in the world - she has been a stalker with ex's.  He has been a really good friend for the past 3 years. They each were always in another r/s. Now they are trying to be together. DD stated that they each have lots of issues to work throught on their own in order to be together. So she knows when they start bickering they need to seperate for a bit. M leaves often for several days. Then he is back playing with gd and laughing with DD. DD also has told us how she appreicates our letting him be here with her during her house arrest. She had only one other friend come for a single visit during her conooning. She is anxious, or maybe just cautious, about going back out. The friend that visited offered for her to come hang out at her apt. tomorrow (formerly a homeless person) and she would walk downtown with her to support her being clean and sober around those that will not be.

I can see so many of the skills I have practiced being taken up by DD from my modeling them with her in a calm way. And she holds me accountable when I am not using my skills. And gd gives us such creative ways to communicate - she writes her needs on her little dry-erase board when it feels like she is not being heard. "No Yelling" "I am not listening" "you are not listening". And then she plays fun work games with us from stuff she is learning as a 2nd grader.

And DD has some goals - she loves funky clothes, well both she and M do. And M sews his own cool stuff on his from his dumpster treasures with needle and dental floss. Awesome appliques. He has what DD calls his "internet window shopping addiction", so knows the value of this type of design. DD would like to start an ebay business designing and selling their fashions. I would have to teach M how to sew as I can help with the business side but do not want to be the labor side. I totally support their attempts to make this work at even a small level. And she sincerely wants to get into some organization to learn on the ground how to be an intake couselor in a recovery setting.

She told me today that she grew up 40 years while she was homeless - all crammed into 3. And she has a great intuition about when it is time to leave a situation before crimes are commited and others are arrested. I saw this even in her high school days when others got in trouble - she left before that. And her values of what is right - they are strong. She has so much to give to her world, and she wants to give it.

All this could become undone if she has a police contact, even an innocent one, with an officer with attitude and end up in jail. I am so relieved that we hired a lawyer for her to request a retrial - and to cope with this as her advocate in jail if that were to happen. I am not able to be there for her - the lawyer would have access not allowed and knows how to do the process. So this gives me, and DD, a small measure of peace of mind.

And seems to know if she gets back into the meth crowd it will come undone as well. She has changed in the past 45 days. I told her this today. And we talked about God, and spirit, and life and death, and philosophy and religion and oh so much more that I never knew was in her mind for so much of her life. She is trying so very very hard.

I am surely just dumping my mind and heart here tonight. It is late and I need to go to bed. Long drive tomorrow for 15 minute meeting with SSI appeal lawyer in morning - she is filing appeal for newest SSI denial. And DD is so peaceful about this. And so am I. This is certainly an aspect of radical acceptance at work.

Bad stuff can still happen yet there is so much less suffering when able to fully and radically accept those things we have no control over. Those worries are so pointless and energy wasted. We talked about this today too.

Okok -- off to bed now. Well keep you posted. THanks so much for sharing life with me.

qcr :)

 

In lieu of <3

Wishing all of you the best Christmas season EVER.

Thursday

So very amazed at the blessings you have been given... .keep believing in miracles.

:)

   Wow!  Miracles indeed!  Great silver linings along her journey.  I continue to keep you and family in my prayers.   


peace

qcaroir,

Your story of radical self-acceptance and trust in your self as you are is very moving.  You are in your place, standing tall and sure.  I have just caught up with all the details.  Your letter to the court is a masterpiece and I am going to save a copy in my files, as it details so brilliantly your daughter's life.  

She is very intelligent, but limited in a couple very specific areas in processing information. It has taken me so long to really understand - get into her shoes - about how this has impacted her life.

(This is your quote that I copied.)

I am very interested in knowing more about your daughter's non-verbal learning disability, as I am trying to piece together my son's ways.  I realize that you are probably too busy to answer; however, if you have any time, I would appreciate some information.  I am already doing little bits of advocacy for BPD and I am meeting with educators and medical people and I would like to be as well informed as possible.  Sorry to hi-jack your thread.

Reality

qcr,

An amazing story.  I've followed the details for the while I've been here.

So glad that things have progressed to this point with you and your family. 

So much promise lies ahead.

How far we have come! What wonderful good news!

You and your dd are an inspiration... .who would have guessed it was possible... .you did! we did! It all works!

happy days 

Vivek    

Now the most challenging time has begun for DD - being out with her friends after her 45 day retreat. She did check in yesterday that she was going to 'stay out'. I expect to see her home later today - it is very windy and cold. Prayin for her friends to support her sobriety even as they are not. Is this wishful thinking on my part? Maybe, maybe not.

Reality - yes there is much self-acceptance in the journey I am on and all the skills and new ways of thinking impact my feelings and actions. Learning to be in 'Wise Mind' so much more often and returning to it more quickly. Also an acceptance of no power over others. Acceptance that I have no right to judge them in their actions and words. I cannot be in their minds or hearts to truly know anything other than what is shown by others words and actions filtered through my own mind and heart. My thinking is really very rapid these past few days. Hope this makes some sense. Point I am trying to make is Radical Acceptance is so much more that self-acceptance. It is acceptance of so much that is outside myself and my response as being willing to participate fully in each day as it comes. I am a ver very willful person - this practice has been hard for me.

I gained so much by doing the DBT skills class about a year ago - gave me access to the whole spectrum of the skills. The class spent almost no time on the Radical Acceptance piece. What has come to me recently about that class is the need to learn the skills before being able to process traumatic feelings and patterns that grew from those feelings to make changes in how we live day to day.

For DD I had to step back from presurring her to do therapy - she was not ready. She did not have the skills to manage her emotional dysregulation enough to gain from therapy. Somehow she has gained some skills from being in our family and my modeling new skills and patterns with her. My response to her being new and non-judgmental has given her new tools. Also being off street drugs and accepting rx drugs in their place may be having an impact. She is asking me to help her get stimulant meds for her ADD thinking - a trial fo these. And to lose the 30 pounds she has gained on the trazedone and boredom eating while locked at home. She DOES NOT WANT TO TURN TO METH AGAIN TO LOSE WEIGHT AND BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON HER GOALS. This would undo her progress both in her thinking and in her success with probation.

I also am aware that I need to be cautious about being arrogant and prideful in the impacts on my family. They are doing a lot of work too.

Gd is home from "Camp Christmas" at church, so my break is over. Thanks for listening to my ramble today.

qcr

It sounds like things are moving in such a positive direction and you are so inspirational in all of this.  I hope that things continue on this same path. 

Griz

This is hard isn't it... .this is where I struggle... .that and the hubris when I think I can do it, and I think I understand. When I need humility... .

thank you qcr,

Vivek      

And knowing that I need to be in the acceptance place is sure easier than acutally being there    I can be such a harsh judge of others, especially DD, when I think I know what is 'best'.

qcr

yeah... .

Feeling frustrated tonight - well guess it is really very early morning and I can't sleep. DD staying home and feeling very down. Too hard to be with her friends who all smoke pot, and she is showing courage in trying to stay on her probation (DWAI). She went out last week, smoked pot and chose not to call in for her UA. She said she would rather not know that she missed one. It shows up as a blank space on the list rather than a failed test. Don't know how many of these she can have with her probation officer with no consequences. This must feel like a self-imposed 'house arrest' - even though she got her ankle monitor off after the 45 days. Now that was a good day.

On the probation side, DD has talked with the T at her court related couseling center, and they are willing to start the individual counseling sessions soon. I faxed her medicaid card to them yesterday. I hope this will provide DD some support in her struggles with all this beyond what I can give.

Bf"M" had promised, up til last night anyway, to spend Christmas with our family - even going with DD and us to the extended family dinner. Then when getting gd ready for bed she says he is not going to Christmas. He wants to spend it with his mom who will be visiting in a nearby town. And DD does not want me to talk directly with M about this. Have to accept. I am disappointed too. So some of her angst last night could be from this distance with her bf.

The lawyer for DD's appeal of her DWAI will not return our calls or emails this past week. The DA contact DD yesterday for money to be sent for them to get trial transcript. I had no awareness that DD would have to pay these costs for them to defend against her appeal. It is like the lawyer's phone goes nowhere. It skips right to voicemail with default automated message - it used to have her personal vm greeting. Why would DA contact DD and not the lawyer? I am very confused. Will contact the court on Monday to see if the lawyer has even filed her representation with the court, or filed the brief on this case.

DD feels the black cloud descending on her with this no contact from the lawyer. I guess I needed to speak to the DA contact to get more information. I will contact them on Monday as well. Offered to get out tomorrow, like to the zoo or histry museum or botanic gardens (got some free tickets in mail yesterday from county social service Kinship support case manager!) but DD said she wants to visit a friend. This girlfriend has been supportive of DD's probation - she is the only one that visited while DD was on house arrest. Has common issues with her video-game addicted bf too. That is all M does when he is at our house - play video games. And this is very boring for DD - he expects her to hang with him and get joy out of watching him play!  

Tomorrow is a new day. Hope for things to be better in the morning. Guess I will try to go back to sleep now. Thanks for listening.

qcr  

  That is life qcarol... .some days just are not as bright as others... .it helps to remember the warmth of the sun from days past to carry us through until we stand in the sunshine again.

 

lbj

I hope it's better when you wake up... .sometimes a sleep makes all the difference  :)

Vivek    

Things are certainly more gloomy in the middle of the night! Thanks for the thoughts. qcr  

Update: we are working on accepting that any post-trial motions, appeals, etc. will really not make things better for DD in the long run. The attorney replied, very defensive but her email was filled with inconsistencies and errors in her memory. Waiting for her billing to support the hours she is claiming to have spent. She had not plans to file the motion for retrial until into next year - there is a 6 month window so she was not in  a hurry. Seems by the time it all would get done DD would have completed most of her probation requirements anyway. DD seems disappointed yet not angry. At least not outwardly so.

I have done all I can. And DD comes home from her weekly probation class in such better spirits than when she goes. It is a good thing for her to be doing. Being monitored for 24 months will be a good thing for her to focus on success with. So much can happen. Have to take things a day at a time with her - well with me too.

So appreciate this place to share.

qcr  

Hi qcr  |iiii

I've been thinking of you recently and your dh. I have been wondering how he is responding to the change. Does he see the positives the same as you do? I know it is so different for our dh's and mine is no exception. I think mine is in some sort of denial... .just doesn't want to know... .I am thinking your dh will be seeing the changes and feel more hopeful too. I hope so.

I hope to share a coffee with my dd today too... .fingers crossed... .

cheers,

Vivek  

ps good luck with the legal stuff and dd's hopes.   

Vivek  - Dh is more calm in general. He is not longer taking a very mild tranqulizer for work - his new boss is scattered and disorganized, yet includes dh as an equal in their maintenance dept instead of a menial subordinate. His awesome problem solving skills are finally being appreciated after 5 years at this job. [in a senior living community]. He is calmer at home too - and more open to my 'stop sign' when he is getting too cynical and sacastic. [hold my hand up and say "stop"] I am getting better at LISTENING to his side as well. Vivek  you have pointed out on other threads how important listening is - so you really hear what the other is FEELING. Dh has really stepped in to be here for gd7 when I am focused more on helping DD meet her needs.

I have also made a focused, conscious effort to be more available for time alone with dh - after gd is asleep, on our common day off (ie. going on that awesome 'date' to the hardware store with him followed by pancakes at IHOP :)). So I do not get to be on my computer as much - very behind on so many posts here and miss that too.

How did you coffee with your D go today?

qcr  

hey qcr -

good to hear about your dh and 'improvements' all round. I really am challenged by my dh, understanding what/how he is thinking. As for his feeling, it seems to be primarily defensive. His  my-issues 's include narrow focus and self centredness. Now he really is a giving and generous man, he just doesn't see things the same way as many others. We have had some deeply distressing lack of communication re dd. Hopefully this is improving as I improve my relationship with dd and tell him about our conversation and why I did it this way, and he sees the results and is learning more. Like so many dh's I read about here, he doesn't read up and doesn't seem to want to make the effort. He has been deeply hurt by her.

a date to the hardware shop and pancakes is awesome  |iiii My man loves the hardware store too, and the supermarket... .In fact he is off to both places now!

posting a new thread about dd - thank you for remembering   

Vivek  

So funny, mine loves the hardware store and the grocery store, too.  In my old life I was the primary grocery store go-er.  Now he goes, and knows all the people who work there, and he gets greetings all around when we go there together.

we gotta lot in common girl 

Vivek    

Happy New Year to all fo us - keep the HOPE ALIVE for 2013. We can do it - whatever that looks like for each of our families.

       

DD seems to be embracing the therpist at her DWAI counseling center. She goes her for her probation monitoring (drug/alcohol - EtG test for alcohol and all drugs panel - hard one to fool, twice a week). She had her first therapy session today - the T seems to really understand DD's cognitive issues that impact her ability to 'get' what is going on in her life and from the mandatory education classes. It is so awesome that the medicaid DD got last May is paying for all the alcohol/drug classes and therapy (a miracle new program in our state for adults without children in their 'household' - she is her own household even though living in our home. Gd is her own household too - she get TANF for children and medicaid. I am digressing here.

I am DD's calendar - she just cannot cope with keeping track of appointments or the day of the week, a real limitation of her NVLD. My phone calendar alarmed sounded at 10:30 am for her 11am appt. that I had totally spaced out. She wanted to 'reschedule'. I said "It is your life. The T has made this time for you" She got dressed and we went. The T actually called her while we were driving to see where she was - we were running a little late. I picked her up an hour later - gd in tow with doggies in car both ways. Dh at work (though he is sick, I am worried about his liver function , another digression) When she got in car she said the T suggested contacting the lawyer doing her SSI appeal about searching for her bio parents to get some medical history. The bio mom filled out questionnaires for both parents - she answered 'no' to most everything medical. I am very curious about DD's two older full siblings. I am cautiously hopeful that this T will lead to good things for DD - beyond what my validation can provide.

The other thing that I respect about DD - when she gets overwhelmed by gd's behaviors, she takes a time out. Gd is parked in front of the TV. We went on a walk - pretty stressful with two 65 pound puppies (one just turned 2, the other is 9 months). Gd is very impulsive, distracted, strong willed temperment - this looks like defiance and manipulation so often that pushes most adults hot buttons. DD took one dog and went home, I went with gd and other dog on the 'long' path. It was cold and windy. DD felt I was being to 'easy' with gd by 'givng in' to her desires. Oh, I remember, DD had the idea to hook the dogs up to pull gd's new big wagon. Worked until other people and dogs appeared in open space. And the wagon had not brakes. The seperate walk was another day. DD took both dogs home, and I walked with gd - not entirely calm - and had her pull the wagon home. Alternative was to leave for some other more appreciative child. Gd cried the whole way but got the wagon home . DD was waiting in the front yard with anger on her face, ready to yell at us. I commented that gd had pulled wagon all the way home. Our biggest battle is that DD thinks I am too lenient - sometimes true, and I think DD is too harsh - sometimes true. We are working to meet in the middle somewhere - baby steps. Gd went to her room to play and have some 'down time' - she initiated this. DD came upstairs and said to me - "mom, I wanted to shake the baby". She was indirectly thanking me for sending her home with the dogs and coping with gd. She has made this comment to me a couple times. This means, put the baby in safe place and go to another part of the house, call for help or someone to talk to. This was letting me know how pushed to the edge she was, and that she made good choices to protect gd and calm herself. I too get in this place with gd. ADHD - I am fatigued thinking about coping with this all over again. Yet know that I am more skilled, that I have good support, I can do this - home, school, therapy, neighborhood, friends... .  

I am so very grateful for this forum to share my story. Dh is thankful too - I tend to talk and talk and talk to him til he can take in no more. Thanks for listening. So much hope tonight.

qcr  

qcaroir,

I wonder if you could explain why a person with a NVLD has difficulty keeping track of time and knowing what day it is. 

I was thinking of sending a pm, them I thought someone else might be interested.

I can't figure out how the two are connected.

Reality

The lack of organization, most likely from her ADHD, is what I think leads to this confusion for her.I just know that it is real, and has been there over a long period of time.

Here is the abstract of an article for a study that seems to list all the NVLD critieria, plus it includes the ADHD, slowness in performance, and severe graphomotor issues that are also present for DD her entire life. ie. she did not uncurl her little fists til after 3 months of age - I had to put the toy into her hand. My sister's babies did not show this delay. I could not read this whole article today without paying for it. I am still looking for more info related to adults functioning and how to improve it.

www.ldx.sagepub.com/content/28/2/80.short

A couple of T's have suggested in their reports the possiblilty that much of DD's mental illness (is. BPD, depression, anxiety) could be directly related to the NVLD. Either nueropsycholocical or in response to failures in social situations from very very early age. She resisted therapy (OT, social/emotional, psychological, etc.) even at 3 years old. Could dh and I have been better at supporting her in these therapies? Most likely if we had the info and skills we have now. Truth - the info was just not there 26 years ago. All the accomadations were for verbal LD's. No one got that NVLD needed different approach, including me. By the time she was tested at age 11, she was so very resistant, and I was exhausted. Very little support from dh in any of this. And often the special ed. staff believed she was being manipulative and defiant - she was doing the best she could for that day.

The brain is so complex - as we gain more knowledge pray for new tools and wide availability in medical and psychological fields.

Reality - thanks for asking this question.

qcr  

qcaroir,

I know now that my son had a NVLD.  He had zero sense of time.  I was his calendar, like you are. 

I sense, as well, that many of my son's problems stemmed from the social misreads he experienced as a young child and an adolescent.

Curiously, Will's written output did not reflect his intelligence, although he had definite artistic talent, an artist's hand. 

Like your daughter, my son was always doing the best he could.

We did need more information.  Tragic to lose a beautiful son because of lack of information.

Thank you so much for giving me all if this information.  I have been trying to figure this out for 20 years.

Reality