Keeping HOPE alive in the midst of chaos, grief, loss, fear, anger, resentment

[griz]

It sounds like things are moving in such a positive direction and you are so inspirational in all of this.  I hope that things continue on this same path. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Also an acceptance of no power over others. Acceptance that I have no right to judge them in their actions and words. I cannot be in their minds or hearts to truly know anything other than what is shown by others words and actions filtered through my own mind and heart.

This is hard isn't it... .this is where I struggle... .that and the hubris when I think I can do it, and I think I understand. When I need humility... .

thank you qcr,

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

Also an acceptance of no power over others. Acceptance that I have no right to judge them in their actions and words. I cannot be in their minds or hearts to truly know anything other than what is shown by others words and actions filtered through my own mind and heart.

This is hard isn't it... .this is where I struggle... .that and the hubris when I think I can do it, and I think I understand. When I need humility... .

thank you qcr,

Vivek      

And knowing that I need to be in the acceptance place is sure easier than acutally being there    I can be such a harsh judge of others, especially DD, when I think I know what is 'best'.

qcr

[vivekananda]

yeah... .

[qcarolr]

Feeling frustrated tonight - well guess it is really very early morning and I can't sleep. DD staying home and feeling very down. Too hard to be with her friends who all smoke pot, and she is showing courage in trying to stay on her probation (DWAI). She went out last week, smoked pot and chose not to call in for her UA. She said she would rather not know that she missed one. It shows up as a blank space on the list rather than a failed test. Don't know how many of these she can have with her probation officer with no consequences. This must feel like a self-imposed 'house arrest' - even though she got her ankle monitor off after the 45 days. Now that was a good day.

On the probation side, DD has talked with the T at her court related couseling center, and they are willing to start the individual counseling sessions soon. I faxed her medicaid card to them yesterday. I hope this will provide DD some support in her struggles with all this beyond what I can give.

Bf"M" had promised, up til last night anyway, to spend Christmas with our family - even going with DD and us to the extended family dinner. Then when getting gd ready for bed she says he is not going to Christmas. He wants to spend it with his mom who will be visiting in a nearby town. And DD does not want me to talk directly with M about this. Have to accept. I am disappointed too. So some of her angst last night could be from this distance with her bf.

The lawyer for DD's appeal of her DWAI will not return our calls or emails this past week. The DA contact DD yesterday for money to be sent for them to get trial transcript. I had no awareness that DD would have to pay these costs for them to defend against her appeal. It is like the lawyer's phone goes nowhere. It skips right to voicemail with default automated message - it used to have her personal vm greeting. Why would DA contact DD and not the lawyer? I am very confused. Will contact the court on Monday to see if the lawyer has even filed her representation with the court, or filed the brief on this case.

DD feels the black cloud descending on her with this no contact from the lawyer. I guess I needed to speak to the DA contact to get more information. I will contact them on Monday as well. Offered to get out tomorrow, like to the zoo or histry museum or botanic gardens (got some free tickets in mail yesterday from county social service Kinship support case manager!) but DD said she wants to visit a friend. This girlfriend has been supportive of DD's probation - she is the only one that visited while DD was on house arrest. Has common issues with her video-game addicted bf too. That is all M does when he is at our house - play video games. And this is very boring for DD - he expects her to hang with him and get joy out of watching him play!  

Tomorrow is a new day. Hope for things to be better in the morning. Guess I will try to go back to sleep now. Thanks for listening.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

  That is life qcarol... .some days just are not as bright as others... .it helps to remember the warmth of the sun from days past to carry us through until we stand in the sunshine again.

 

lbj

[vivekananda]

I hope it's better when you wake up... .sometimes a sleep makes all the difference 

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Things are certainly more gloomy in the middle of the night! Thanks for the thoughts. qcr  

[qcarolr]

Update: we are working on accepting that any post-trial motions, appeals, etc. will really not make things better for DD in the long run. The attorney replied, very defensive but her email was filled with inconsistencies and errors in her memory. Waiting for her billing to support the hours she is claiming to have spent. She had not plans to file the motion for retrial until into next year - there is a 6 month window so she was not in  a hurry. Seems by the time it all would get done DD would have completed most of her probation requirements anyway. DD seems disappointed yet not angry. At least not outwardly so.

I have done all I can. And DD comes home from her weekly probation class in such better spirits than when she goes. It is a good thing for her to be doing. Being monitored for 24 months will be a good thing for her to focus on success with. So much can happen. Have to take things a day at a time with her - well with me too.

So appreciate this place to share.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

Hi qcr 

I've been thinking of you recently and your dh. I have been wondering how he is responding to the change. Does he see the positives the same as you do? I know it is so different for our dh's and mine is no exception. I think mine is in some sort of denial... .just doesn't want to know... .I am thinking your dh will be seeing the changes and feel more hopeful too. I hope so.

I hope to share a coffee with my dd today too... .fingers crossed... .

cheers,

Vivek  

ps good luck with the legal stuff and dd's hopes.   

[qcarolr]

Vivek  - Dh is more calm in general. He is not longer taking a very mild tranqulizer for work - his new boss is scattered and disorganized, yet includes dh as an equal in their maintenance dept instead of a menial subordinate. His awesome problem solving skills are finally being appreciated after 5 years at this job. [in a senior living community]. He is calmer at home too - and more open to my 'stop sign' when he is getting too cynical and sacastic. [hold my hand up and say "stop"] I am getting better at LISTENING to his side as well. Vivek  you have pointed out on other threads how important listening is - so you really hear what the other is FEELING. Dh has really stepped in to be here for gd7 when I am focused more on helping DD meet her needs.

I have also made a focused, conscious effort to be more available for time alone with dh - after gd is asleep, on our common day off (ie. going on that awesome 'date' to the hardware store with him followed by pancakes at IHOP ). So I do not get to be on my computer as much - very behind on so many posts here and miss that too.

How did you coffee with your D go today?

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

hey qcr -

good to hear about your dh and 'improvements' all round. I really am challenged by my dh, understanding what/how he is thinking. As for his feeling, it seems to be primarily defensive. His  's include narrow focus and self centredness. Now he really is a giving and generous man, he just doesn't see things the same way as many others. We have had some deeply distressing lack of communication re dd. Hopefully this is improving as I improve my relationship with dd and tell him about our conversation and why I did it this way, and he sees the results and is learning more. Like so many dh's I read about here, he doesn't read up and doesn't seem to want to make the effort. He has been deeply hurt by her.

a date to the hardware shop and pancakes is awesome  My man loves the hardware store too, and the supermarket... .In fact he is off to both places now!

posting a new thread about dd - thank you for remembering   

Vivek  

[pattyt]

a date to the hardware shop and pancakes is awesome  My man loves the hardware store too, and the supermarket... .In fact he is off to both places now!

So funny, mine loves the hardware store and the grocery store, too.  In my old life I was the primary grocery store go-er.  Now he goes, and knows all the people who work there, and he gets greetings all around when we go there together.

[vivekananda]

we gotta lot in common girl 

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Happy New Year to all fo us - keep the HOPE ALIVE for 2013. We can do it - whatever that looks like for each of our families.

       

DD seems to be embracing the therpist at her DWAI counseling center. She goes her for her probation monitoring (drug/alcohol - EtG test for alcohol and all drugs panel - hard one to fool, twice a week). She had her first therapy session today - the T seems to really understand DD's cognitive issues that impact her ability to 'get' what is going on in her life and from the mandatory education classes. It is so awesome that the medicaid DD got last May is paying for all the alcohol/drug classes and therapy (a miracle new program in our state for adults without children in their 'household' - she is her own household even though living in our home. Gd is her own household too - she get TANF for children and medicaid. I am digressing here.

I am DD's calendar - she just cannot cope with keeping track of appointments or the day of the week, a real limitation of her NVLD. My phone calendar alarmed sounded at 10:30 am for her 11am appt. that I had totally spaced out. She wanted to 'reschedule'. I said "It is your life. The T has made this time for you" She got dressed and we went. The T actually called her while we were driving to see where she was - we were running a little late. I picked her up an hour later - gd in tow with doggies in car both ways. Dh at work (though he is sick, I am worried about his liver function , another digression) When she got in car she said the T suggested contacting the lawyer doing her SSI appeal about searching for her bio parents to get some medical history. The bio mom filled out questionnaires for both parents - she answered 'no' to most everything medical. I am very curious about DD's two older full siblings. I am cautiously hopeful that this T will lead to good things for DD - beyond what my validation can provide.

The other thing that I respect about DD - when she gets overwhelmed by gd's behaviors, she takes a time out. Gd is parked in front of the TV. We went on a walk - pretty stressful with two 65 pound puppies (one just turned 2, the other is 9 months). Gd is very impulsive, distracted, strong willed temperment - this looks like defiance and manipulation so often that pushes most adults hot buttons. DD took one dog and went home, I went with gd and other dog on the 'long' path. It was cold and windy. DD felt I was being to 'easy' with gd by 'givng in' to her desires. Oh, I remember, DD had the idea to hook the dogs up to pull gd's new big wagon. Worked until other people and dogs appeared in open space. And the wagon had not brakes. The seperate walk was another day. DD took both dogs home, and I walked with gd - not entirely calm - and had her pull the wagon home. Alternative was to leave for some other more appreciative child. Gd cried the whole way but got the wagon home . DD was waiting in the front yard with anger on her face, ready to yell at us. I commented that gd had pulled wagon all the way home. Our biggest battle is that DD thinks I am too lenient - sometimes true, and I think DD is too harsh - sometimes true. We are working to meet in the middle somewhere - baby steps. Gd went to her room to play and have some 'down time' - she initiated this. DD came upstairs and said to me - "mom, I wanted to shake the baby". She was indirectly thanking me for sending her home with the dogs and coping with gd. She has made this comment to me a couple times. This means, put the baby in safe place and go to another part of the house, call for help or someone to talk to. This was letting me know how pushed to the edge she was, and that she made good choices to protect gd and calm herself. I too get in this place with gd. ADHD - I am fatigued thinking about coping with this all over again. Yet know that I am more skilled, that I have good support, I can do this - home, school, therapy, neighborhood, friends... .  

I am so very grateful for this forum to share my story. Dh is thankful too - I tend to talk and talk and talk to him til he can take in no more. Thanks for listening. So much hope tonight.

qcr  

[Reality]

I am DD's calendar - she just cannot cope with keeping track of appointments or the day of the week, a real limitation of her NVLD.

qcaroir,

I wonder if you could explain why a person with a NVLD has difficulty keeping track of time and knowing what day it is. 

I was thinking of sending a pm, them I thought someone else might be interested.

I can't figure out how the two are connected.

Reality

[qcarolr]

I am DD's calendar - she just cannot cope with keeping track of appointments or the day of the week, a real limitation of her NVLD.

qcaroir,

I wonder if you could explain why a person with a NVLD has difficulty keeping track of time and knowing what day it is. 

I was thinking of sending a pm, them I thought someone else might be interested.

I can't figure out how the two are connected.

Reality

The lack of organization, most likely from her ADHD, is what I think leads to this confusion for her.I just know that it is real, and has been there over a long period of time.

Here is the abstract of an article for a study that seems to list all the NVLD critieria, plus it includes the ADHD, slowness in performance, and severe graphomotor issues that are also present for DD her entire life. ie. she did not uncurl her little fists til after 3 months of age - I had to put the toy into her hand. My sister's babies did not show this delay. I could not read this whole article today without paying for it. I am still looking for more info related to adults functioning and how to improve it.

www.ldx.sagepub.com/content/28/2/80.short

A couple of T's have suggested in their reports the possiblilty that much of DD's mental illness (is. BPD, depression, anxiety) could be directly related to the NVLD. Either nueropsycholocical or in response to failures in social situations from very very early age. She resisted therapy (OT, social/emotional, psychological, etc.) even at 3 years old. Could dh and I have been better at supporting her in these therapies? Most likely if we had the info and skills we have now. Truth - the info was just not there 26 years ago. All the accomadations were for verbal LD's. No one got that NVLD needed different approach, including me. By the time she was tested at age 11, she was so very resistant, and I was exhausted. Very little support from dh in any of this. And often the special ed. staff believed she was being manipulative and defiant - she was doing the best she could for that day.

The brain is so complex - as we gain more knowledge pray for new tools and wide availability in medical and psychological fields.

Reality - thanks for asking this question.

qcr  

[Reality]

qcaroir,

I know now that my son had a NVLD.  He had zero sense of time.  I was his calendar, like you are. 

I sense, as well, that many of my son's problems stemmed from the social misreads he experienced as a young child and an adolescent.

Curiously, Will's written output did not reflect his intelligence, although he had definite artistic talent, an artist's hand. 

Like your daughter, my son was always doing the best he could.

We did need more information.  Tragic to lose a beautiful son because of lack of information.

Thank you so much for giving me all if this information.  I have been trying to figure this out for 20 years.

Reality