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There were times I acted worse than my uBPDH. I'm ashamed to admit some of the ways I behaved when I would finally lose my cool. I am shy, easygoing and nonconfrontational. However, i have:

Said I hoped he died in a plane crash (by far the most despicable thing I've ever said to anyone)

Insulted his dead mother  :'(

Said he had a small [member]

Smacked him on the shoulder

Thrown things while he was in the room

Thrown things when he was gone

Thrown my phone at a window after he went to bed

Slammed doors

Screamed like a freaking maniac into a pillow

Kept an emotional conversation going until late at night when he had to be at work early

Called him horrible names

SO crazy. Going off of this list, you would think I have BPD. I had never, ever acted like this in any other setting. He told me I was physically abusive. There is no excuse to lay a hand on anyone, ever. But isn't abuse by definition always about control? He had all of that. I behaved in these awful ways only when I felt I couldn't take it another second.

I think he was relieved when I'd react. You could feel a calm settle over him. Sometimes he would tell me to hit him, like a dare, so yeah I think that's a safe assumption.

I need to forgive myself. I hate to think of the pain I caused. I just want to feel at peace that I will never be that person again.

What crazy stuff did you say or do?

If I listed them here, it would be grounds for locking me in a loony bin or getting a restraining order... .

foggy and mauser.

me too.

and for the record... .I HATE conflict.

I didn't throw stuff.

I did call him crazy and mean like his father, because I knew that would wound him.

I did JADE till both of us wished ourselves dead. I could explain my explanations!

I had the knack and the desire to beat that poor, dead horse.

I think the defense mode kicks in when we are not heard, we are not heard, we are not heard.

So I would try to state my case in many many different ways, using better words. Arrrrgh.

My HUSBAND also taunted and dared me to hit him. He wanted me to. I thought that was awful.

it's like he wanted to see how badly provoked I was... .because I usually didn't react much.

I probably UNDER reacted to most of his abuse.

Mostly I talked, when I should have left. So yeah... .right there with you.

GL

Maybe that’s why our r/s didn’t last very long …I never fed her rage.  They seek Drama, whether it comes from you or them, I don’t think they really care.  Crap, if they’re willing to cut themselves, a punch in the shoulder is likely considered foreplay. 

Don’t beat yourself up, though I suspect they enjoy that, too.  Starve em if ya wanna really hurt (or kill) em!  Bore them to death if ya wanna get away.  Don’t let them steal your discipline, along with everything else… 

I got apologized to, over and over and over an…  She finally got tired of that, decided our r/s was “drifting apart” and told me she was “done.”  Not where I was or wanted to be …but that being ten weeks ago, and from all I’ve read around here – she did me a great, make that A GREAT BIG FAVOR  

Just decide how much you care to meld into their lifestyle, cuz that’s where you appear to be headed.  Always your call, as well as theirs.  The relationship’s got to be mutual, if either of you want out – it’s over. 

Foggybottom, your post is touching a nerve.

Because I did things outside my character throughout my marriage and only now realizing that I can't take anything she says or does personal now I did everything on your list .I'm a nochalant non argumentive not at all physically violent.but have done some of the worse things you could possibly do... yellling and screaming at her stopping the car in the middle of the road just an idiot .so yes I know how you feel .I too feel bad about the things I have did and said. And yes I think she kind of wanted me to do those things to her .you know we all make mistakes but as soon as we act the fool with them its never forgotten and always brought up espically when you're being painted black and smeared. So yes the are human yes we were wrong.and yes we feel bad for what we did BECAUSE we have a conscious and a heart although it didn't seem like it at the time.I could did a lot more to love her .but the same result would've have happened as in the ending of our r\s with the push and pull and all the cheating lying and betrayal on her part.mine and yours and everyone elses here was TOXIC.we are out now can't change our past.I'm sure like you .you have never acted like this with anyone before and probally never will in the future. Be good to yourself.and let it go even if you got back into the dance it would be the same resut and whoever they get with its going to be the same because they WILL get the same dose of abuse we did how will they react? You. Only dealt with and let it slide when we were in the intial love stage... .when they could do no wrong .

I know like you we are god people we just were with someonethat brought the abousolte worse in us... .be good to you... bp39

I lost my mind on my ex more times than I care to remember. I take responsibility for my actions but most of my behavior was in response to the toxic sludge: the manipulation, the drama, the chaos, the overnight break ups so he could conviently cheat. Quite honestly the ex ex loved the negative attention of constant ___ tests. On my side it stressed me to no end.

Even my hair started falling out.

I threw water in his face when he cheated.

I texted him some of the nastiest character assassinations I could think of.

I told him he was horrible in bed. Partly true.

I even went out on a "date" just to pay him back.

I callled him a switch hitter.

There's no room for regrets or shame because I forgive myself. It was all a part of the dysfunctional dance and now it's in my rear view mirror called the past.

I'm absolutely almost ashamed of some of the things I did... .not sure I even want to think of them really, but he certainly has some fodder to draw on if he's out there claiming I was nuts.

Then again, he'll leave out the part where he'd decieve through omission, bold face lie, invalidate me, manipulate me, rage at me, instill punitive measure towards my imagined / or selective (by him) transgressions.

I can say that I was a very lightweight drinker before I met him, and towards the end I smoked and drank almost daily to deal with the insanity.  So some of my more awesome crazy stuff was under the influence.

My hair also began to fall out... .

On rare occassion--including the last exchange I had with him telling him to kiss my arse--I was very liberal with the choice fourletter words and name calling [NOT me... .even during most of our fights].

Craziest... .craziest... .craziest... .uhhh... .Oh... ummmm... .its kind of not PG rated, but I sort of forced a going down moment on the light rail in downtown phoenix in response to some situation where he was accusing me of not being 's3xual and spontaneous' enough. God I hope he doesn't remember that one.

I do know why I did most of this stuff though... .I accept that they were absoultely the wrong reactions to very very very disturbing, disrespectful, hateful behaviors on his part.  Ideally I would have kept my cool.  No Ideally, I would have walked away and never looked back.  But that crazyness on my part was a manifestation of a lot of pure raw hurt.  Kick the dog too many times and at some point it bites back.

As a post script though... .I think maybe my mostly illegal public, uninvited, pseudo performance on the light rail was about the craziest thing... .the rest of it were in the form of drunken crying jags and attempts to 'talk' in that state--I rarely yelled at him, it was just exhausting attempts to try to get him to hear me (which were frustrating enough sober)... .and then of course the many times I'd try to leave but then come rushing back.

I fantisized about forced empathy... .you know, since he wont listen to me no matter how tactfully and lightly I bring up a matter... .maybe I'll just do the same thing to him or expose him to the same messed up stuff so he could see how it feels to be on the recieving end. Eye for an eye.

Unfortunately those plans never panned out because I could never follow through. I did love him and just couldn't do that to him. PLUS, since I seemed to be doing everything I could to hold the thing together, I knew he'd drop me like a hot potato if he had to take any of his own medicine. Lose-lose.

Light rail was the craziest.  Psychotic alcohol induced crying jags and exhaustive attempts to talk/reason/resolve were just slightly lower on the crazy scale.  

Oh goodness... .now I'm really thinking about this, and there were a few repressed things in between the two variants I listed above.  Pretty sure I adequately begged and grovelled for his forgiveness though--even though he sure helped push me off that sidewalk into the ditch... .

If those things help to keep him away from me then I have zero regret. I am still mostly shocked at what came out that I never knew I had in me... .some of it pathetic, some of it self harmful, and some of it... .downright embarassing... I'm sure I could count on 3 fingers, of all those incidents, the number of times I did something that really truly hurt him. And of those, I am regretful.(but made more than adequate amends, and certainly was made to pay for them even after amends.)

And pretty sure he topped the number count of outrageously inappropriate behaviors 100 fold over the 3.5 years. Easily.

Memmmoriesss... .?

Yes, I've done crazy stuff too.  Behavior that was inconsistent with my values is what took me to therapy and got me searching the Internet for answers.  That's what I mean when I say if I had known what the underlying issues were I would have behaved differently.  The whole dynamic is just bizarre.  Let us all learn from it.  No going back.

Oh my dont get me starting with this  :).

In the beginning, I dived into the drama without any knowledge and totally naive, believeing love could heal anything.

Or crying and begging could heal anything ahahhaha.

I am most ashamed of the crazy calls and messages, leaving pathetic messages on his mailbox, cause he didnt pick up anyway.

And when he didnt react, I made video messages, begging and crying.


MY GAWD!

The devil brang out the worst parts in me, things I had no clue they even existed.

I also lied and invented stories to make him react. Really really bad stories.

Now I can laugh about it, but it took me 2 years to get to this point.

He always called me bipolar and borderline (btich). No wonder, I really did behave like one. ;p

Like everyone says, it took me a while to rise to it but mainly it was all the lying and cheating.

I would call her a tart, slag, any name that came in to my head.

The last few years when she would have her toddler fits I would says where do you get it from your mum, I new how much this would hurt as her mum never seemed right and she had a bad relationship with her and it seems that might be a cause of BPD from what I have read.

When she would say you have a problem regarding drinking and other things, I would say ' yeah you '!

All this I would only say when she was raging and provoked.

She would get right in my face, crying and screaming and would have to hold her back by the wrists, she would then say hit me that's what you want to do, I never hit her but then in future rages she would accuse me of doing it. O my god it helps realise how much better of I am single writing this down!

At the end after she had set her new man and life in place and after my head being all over the place, the rage and anger hit in.

I text her some of the worse things I could think of, calling her a cheap slut and saying that's what she always has and would be and that she wasn't relationship material and I should have realised that.

She kept saying I didn't want a future and children ( Who would the way she was, lies cheating, everything else, she's a child her self )

So I said you keep banging on about futures and kids, I feel sorry for anyone  who has a kid with you and I'm so glad I didn't.

Who would want a kid with you and who would want you as their mother.

I don't think I could have said anything worse.

I don't know if I regret saying any of it or not because of how much crap she put me through over nearly 6 years.

I'm not proud I said that stuff, but she has said and done a lot worse and I doubt she ever gave a crap if it hurt me or not.

An important thing that my T tells me is that we may say that the things they do are just an expression of their illness, but that no one is that good at driving someone crazy without practice or intent. She said she might not realize that she's trying to do it, but she is. She would purposefully push me beyond my breaking point, then when I broke be sure to punish me and shame me for it.

I still take responsibility for the crazy/needy/pathetic/obsessive things I did. They were my actions, when the appropriate action would have been to leave a hurtful situation, but as an important part of not feeling too ashamed, I have to remember the three year evolution of the relationship, and the fact that if any one I know had gone through it, they would have been driven batty too.

me too!

Here's one of my great moments, me yelling back "stop yelling at me so the neighbors don't hear." ------so many levels this is ridiculous... .

This is a good thread, it is good to take responsibility so we can make better choices in the future... .these relationships do not get ridiculous just because of one person - it takes 2.

Peace,

SB

I feel like I came to these boards too late to learn things that would have changed the course of how I handled my end of the relationship.

Anyway, my dirty side of the street:

Getting desperate enough to resolve issues that after holding it all in, I would get really agressive in trying to talk about it. This would lead to a cascade failure where he *might* be willing to talk 10 minutes. Most of the time he would evade, but if I persisted this lead to him getting verbally nasty, then me persisting, followed by him getting ruder, then me getting more insistent, which then would lead to him logging of IM's, hanging up the telephone on me, or simply walking out on me. This would be followed by the silent treatment.

Which is a BIG trigger for me. So I would try calling him back or send emails to try and get a response. Usually there is no response, so I would then lose it and get mad and write a lot of emails trying to have a one sided discussion to explain my side of things ( usually no response) or I would persist in trying to call ( I know, totally BPD action... .I was soo frustrated and felt really unfairly treated) or I would try to have the conversation through text and text doesn't hold many words, so I send a bunch.

Which TOTALLY ticks this guy off, so clearly not helping. I have come to manage that much better in recent months, but had an episode end of last week, which has led to the current split.

Other sins... .after learning of some pretty devastating things and getting totally verbally abused, I did respond back at such a level of noise that I was hoarse a few times over the course of 5 years. ( yep, I am trying to minimize my actions  lol)

When his ex got really ridiculous in her attacks on me... going after my kid online, messing up my business things, harrassing me by calling me at 3 AM over and over, I eventually lost it when he wouldn't shut her down and I smacked her around through rude emails... .which apparantly led to him having a lot of conflict with her... and it upset their daughter who was about 7 years old then. He told me if I EVER did that again, we were over for good because while he doesn't care if his ex is upset, when she gets upset it effects the child and he DOES care if the child is upset.

I have been the recipient of pretty concentrated harrassment by the ex for years, until the last 3-4 months. She must have found a funner victim because I don't ever respond to her anymore.

I also told off the internet woman a few times because he was making it look like she was in hot persuit of him. I didn't understand it because he would insist he didn't "get it" either. I "get it" now. He was playing a few games with me. I am guess someone less paranoid as me would have shrugged it off.

Other than that, I told him off a number of times pretty severely. I would say mostly it was only in the last 2 years. It took about 3 years of pretty ugly stuff before I actually began to stress on things and would actually get upset enough to smack anyone for it.

I told him how badly I thought he was behaving and how it was effecting me and everyone around him in great detail and anger... and he has major problems with me over me doing that.

Broadly, I was totally lost in a fog, completely baffled by a lot of things. I realize now how much I have been mislead and lied to.

I am pretty sad about it. I miss him and wish I had gotton to this site sooner. I feel guilty and like I missed the bus.


BTW, someone please tell me where the edit option is on posts, because sometimes I mispell and only see it later.

Don't feel bad. Ater I think the second or third recycle. I was on the staying and undecided boards. I tried soo hard to use the tools there. For a while they really helped. Not just to avoid triggering her, but for me to keep my sanity. Eventually I got worn down again and my behavior got worse and worse as I was under increasing emotional stress. Forgive yourself. You will receive none from him, and if you do it will mean nothing without the forgiveness from yourself.

The shame from my behavior is one of the hardest parts for me too. If you are like me, you never acted like this in your other relationships. While your actions are your responsibility, you can learn a lot from them. For instance, the kinds of things you cannot tolerate. The fact that these things didnt surface under other circumstances shows that they were just mistakes you made (on top of the mistake of staying in something that was obviously making you bonkers), that they dont define who you are.

Best Wishes

The craziest thing I did was recycle so many times, thinking it would be different each time. Even though I'd already found this site, knew about BPD, and saw how the patterns were not going to change unless I decided for myself to change my own.

Indeed, myself!  I did the same thing, 1 recycle is pretty understandable particularly when you are coming from Kansas and believe EVERYONE can change if something is important to them... .more than one recycle and same ole same old just different day is quite insane.

Sometimes it simply comes down to:  If you want to change your life, change your mind.

It took way too long but eventually learned to know when to hold'em and know when to fold'em.  At least with the game I just finished.

  Maybe it won't take me so long next time... .in fact maybe I'll be able to spot a losing game before I ever enter it next time and am strong enough to avoid playing at all. *fingers crossed!*

My worst mistake was getting involved with her. I had my FOO issues and tried to rescue and rehabiliate. I am annoyed, but now understand why idid what I did. I was short, condensending and not very loving at times. It wasn't a loving relationship so I had no business being in it.

I have to admit that I still am angry over her behavior at the end as she exposed truely who and what she was. So I lived with her and she kept what and who she was under ground, but at the end she was what she was... .

Just as I think I am completely done spending any more time on this relationship more comes up. I must still have unresolved FOO issues.

EVS,

I journal with a fair amount of regularity, and last night was thinking about Thanksgiving and his B-day coming up and the incidents I recalled on all of them ticked me off and made me nauseous. 

Then I couldn't believe I was still having a response to recalling that stuff... .I'm over 60 days out for god's sake (63).  I think that is a little insane because I'm still thinking about it, and I'm out of it and should be overwhelmed with relief.

Guess proof you can still throw up long after you think you are done.

And I'm also wondering if I'm a little nuts emmersing myself with information on BPD when I am almost an expert on it now. And spending my evenings before bed on the forum,  while helpful being "around" people who can relate to me without actually thinking I was nuts to stay and nuts to be giving it this much headspace... .it's still a bit much.

Guess it is the unravelling of the tangled mess... .chipping off the dried crusty crazy to find ourselves and our sanity again.  ?

Ok, if I must.

Are you ready for crazy?

I broke up with her 24 times in one year.  :)

And got back together 23 times. 

I should have stopped while I was ahead. But no. That was my crazy.  When I look back on it, that was the main bad thing I did. There were a handful of occasions I talked too loudly toward her, drank too much, was an idiot, but not too many. She made me so insane... .my god, the memories. Many a 3-9 hour session discussing/arguing about our relationship on her couch, until all hours of the night, when I had to be up early the next day to teach. And all of it a waste, because none of it made sense. It would go on and on and on. And for some reason, at the time I thought it made at least a little sense. But it didn't. Yeah, what's new?

I wish I could think of more exciting crazy things.  Compared to you all, my relationship seems boring. But how many can beat the number of breakups I initiated? I think I win that one.  lol

LMAO!  Thats some funny stuff right there!

I've done the marathon talk/argument thing too... .eventually he learned to tune me out and just go to bed.  Probably a very very good tactic in some situations cuz boy I really had a NEED to resolve stuff he'd never help me to resolve.

Not sure I can top your break up count!  Were they 'real' breakups?  (I say that humorusly because of the poll that was just put up.  I call the false starts "posturing"... .

He would refer to our prior three BIG ones as "relationship shifts"... which basically equated to me making more and more concessions. Have to give it to him for the turn of phrase that makes those break-ups sound less dysfunctional than they really were.

Soo... .24 in a year... .divide by 2... carry the one... .so you guys were breaking up and getting back together about once every 2-3 weeks? ?

Alas. Yes. They were real breakups.  I initiated them all. Each and every one.

Oh, and here's crazy: each time we got back together (even the make ups in the high teens) I'd be so relieved and happy to be back together again. And I felt so good knowing we had the possibility of living happily ever after.  It would last until approximately the next breakup (sometimes mere days later, sometimes a few weeks, but yeah, if you do the math, and factor in that I was intelligent enough not to break up every day for days and days in a row (you gotta give me that at least  lol), it wasn't exactly a long time frame between each breakup.

But still. I was so happy each time we got back together again.  Blissfully happy.

So, yeah. Crazy. 

You know, this is probably the most helpful post I've read on BPDfam so far and I've been lurking for close to 6 months. So thank you. I haven't gotten this far into my situation with my T yet... .I am working through feelings of self consciousness when I talk about myself with my T... .or anyone besides family and close friends really... .I've had this complex for as far back as I remember about "selfishness." I will work through it.

Woowwwww!

lol  WITH you not at you!  

I remember feeling super happy he'd accept me back into his arms... forgive my "impulsiveness" when I'd "posture"... .guess none of my 8 hr break ups were the real deal--maybe my way of expressing I was SERIOUS.

Instead we got to forget what started the entire thing, and it'd not be addressed again because I was just so danged happy he 'forgave me'. Shot myself in the foot there in multiple ways I guess (i.e. lost respect for myself and in his eyes, conveniently got to deflect situations/issues so no resolution for me on the original piece of work, etc, etc).

I was not thrilled to be going back in after the 3rd big break though... .at all. Maybe since I had a couple months physical space and new it'd be crazy to reconcile. Did it anyway inspite of the ominous warnings my gut was giving me during the reconciliation process.

Even when this particular topic tapped into things I'd put in the vault as far as my reactivity to the Ex, no matter how embarassing, or pathetic, or out of character. Just plain seeing myself on from a different perspective (watching the movie replay and watching myself)... .has followed with a shake of my head in disbelief and laughing at the ridiculousness of it. I hope that is progress!

Laugh or cry I guess :P

Foggybottom, sorry I wasn't LOLing with you... .errr... .at your post with you, I mean, err... .

I think that post is very very insightful too... .in fact this entire thread is! Thank you for posting it!

I've lurked off and on for a couple years (during break ups), but now that I'm really determined to move on and get past this, I know I have to look at myself as well, and this thread has been so so so helpful!

My journals are filled with things he did to me, but I'm not giving myself any of the credit... .how enmeshed I became, how my reactions just added fuel to the fire.

Intellectually, it's like I feel like I understand HIM better, but now I'm finding this forum and posts like yours are helping to look inward at myself.  And ask "why did I do / think/ believe/ try so hard BEYOND REASON".

I can't edit my post above (the edit function seems to be gone now in general), so I'd like to say this in my own defense,  lol

According to my ex, I broke up with her 24 times. When she said this to me, even I was quite surprised. 24 times? I knew it had been a lot, but 24?  It sounded like too many times.  And it does, doesn't it? The problem is that I lost count and didn't keep track anyway. She was good with numbers (I'm more of a history person), but there was this little teeny tiny thing that she did all the time which was lie. Like, a lot, she lied. So... .maybe I only broke up with her 17 times. Or 16. That sounds a bit more reasonable.  Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and go with 17. I broke up with someone who lied all the time 17 times, and got back together 16 times. In a year. Back to square one. Crazy.

Okay, so... .onward and upward, as they say. 

Omg

This thread has been so helpful to me.

Just tonight I was reduced to s sobbing pleading mess who doesn't want to break up w my H. This flies in the face of all my reason! Why do I need his approval ? What lunacy.

He was cold and acted like he didn't know me. Callous and cruel.  It was an exact replay of our only breakup to date. If I was more reactive we would have split up many times over by now.

Then I accused him of being autistic! So uncool.

Then I said we should try counseling.

Then I got mad. Really mad. And went back to packing. So I would not commit violence.

grrrrrrrr

GL

Oh dear, revisiting and introspecting unpleasant behaviors on my part.  Not a fun place, but necessary to make peace with and learn from.

I in no order behaved in the following poor ways with dxBPDgf:

-Criticized her for having a child with a man she hated, then blaming the child years later for all dxBPDgf's problems.

-Criticized her for having a child for the reason solely that it'd 'make her life better', then not being able to provide for her physically or emotionally.

-Criticized her for not being able to be a decent parent and pushing all the hard work of raising a little girl required on me. DxBPDgf wasn't going to do it. She liked passing the buck.

 

(I was furious the child was being scapegoated for dxBPDgf's decisions and inability to parent her in almost any way. The projection being put on to a 4-6 year old wasn't fair. The proverbial "black" child. DxBPDgf was selfish and psychologically abusive to the child, plus when there was issue of molestation a couple years prior, she shamed the little girl instead of getting to the bottom of it - in short, you can see how that child was treated was infuriating.  The half brother even echoed this, saying when the girl was born, "everything got screwed up" inferring it was the child's fault.)

-Told her she was a pig for maliciously getting pregnant at 15 so she could have a child. The father was just a sperm donor, in her words, all she wanted was his seed.

-Hit a cupboard so hard I broke the door in one of the last fights.

-Became depressed and talked of suicide at work.

-Chipped the sink porcelain and bathtub in a fight.

-Internalized my annoyance when she acted like a tween with her son, made me snarky.

-Told her once, "you are killing my affinity for you"  - that one REALLY set her off.

-When she'd shut down and shut me out, I would panic and tried to pull her out - this happened oddly when I was upset about something unrelated, and she made the situation about her.

-I'd get so upset I'd leave the house for 4 or 5 hours after a fight. I left my own home! Then the real "fun" would start once I got back. Psychological war. Then I'd have to do the making up. After all it was all my fault, I was forced to believe.


In the end, the craziest element was the anger and rage dxBPDgf pulled out of me. Physically, my skin got splotchy, hair fell out - it was bad.

Wow, Zoso!

Your story is similar to mine. My BPD gave me all her "pity" stories to start with- her husband left her (true maybe, but I could understand if he did), her parents hated her, no one likes her... .and it went on. For about the first 33% of the relationship I could not go in her home, even if she invited me. So I'dmeet her putsode- in winter with negative temps. Dumb me and a red flag.

I'd constantly apologize for stuff I didn't even know I may have done to set her off. It was all BS, but I believed I made her mad. I took the blame for her shut downs 200% of the time.

She controlled me. Everything.

I started to hate everyone around me and including myself.

I lost a ton of hair, lost a crap load of weight. People at work thought I had gotten ill, like cancer.

The deepest truth I learned was she was my psychological cancer. She was eating and destroying me over a one year period. I still have to see her at times at work, but I don't feel panic anymore. Sick to my stomach yes, but I am ok with that. I think that's there to protect me. Kind of like my body rejecting the person who literally almost killed me

About 2 weeks ago I broke out in hives after a particularly stressful couple of days.

I had these big itchy patches on my face.

I am still getting the silent treatment for near a week now. Usually I am screaming murder by this time, but I just figured I would get on with things.

I broke out in hives once from the stress. Deep breaths, brotha. The poison will work its way out soon.

LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. I say this all the time, "famous last words."

I always think- I mean EVERY time- that THIS one is the last one- that she will not come back. I have been wrong every time. So the longer the silent treatment goes, the more secure and comfortable you will be with the silence. Just know, that at any moment- probably the moment you feel the most secure- that phone may ring.

I'm not saying to be paranoid or anxious. Just be ready. Know what you need to do for you. And especially, If when you see that email, txt, phone call and it feels like you have to vomit and crap at the same time, it's a pretty good sign that you should stay away.

Search your feelings, you know it to be true <------- I just wanted to say that.

I can write a book on this topic.  I did things that sent me to many different therapists because I didn't believe them when they said I wasn't crazy or didn't have BPD.  One of my therapists said that it's like a 'nice' bear... .if he keeps poking at you long enough you are going to fight back.  It's human instinct.  In the beginning, I would remove myself from the situation.  I have walked out of restaurants etc.  He would texts me for hours and often times cruel mean things and accuse me of 'moving on'.  Yes... .I staged a fight in a restaurant so I could walk out to go on another date.  We didn't live together... .we didn't have kids together... .don't you think it would be easier for me to break up with him or just cancel our date if I wanted to date someone else... .c'mon get over yourself.  And sometimes he would say (insert condescending tone) 'run... .run like you always do.  Of course... .'  or 'you are to sit here and listen to me yell.  You have no matters and are rude' (and it's totally cool for you to make me cry in the middle of this restaurant... .no not rude at all).  so here are some of the crazy things I did... .I hope I don't get put away... .

-I kicked him in the head in the car because I would have rather gotten out of the car and walk home the rest of the way than listen to his verbal abusive, and he wouldn't let me and was holding me down.  of course the story was changed to... .I was trying to get out of a moving car and he was holding me down to protect me.  ok... .think about this... .I was driving... .he was holding me down... I was kicking him in the head... .how is the car still moving?  real story: i pulled over cuz my pleas to stop it with the diarrhea of the mouth  were not answered.

-names I have called him: piece of sh&t, loser, as$hole, effin this and that... .you name it I prolly said it. 

-I threw a bottle of alcohol against the wall

-I flicked food at him

-I kicked him out of my house numerous times.

-I threw gifts he got me over the balcony

-I said mean things about his family and son

-the cruelist thing I did... .I sent him a short snipit of my ex and having sex because he kept accusing me of cheating with him... .not only cheating but every couple of days he would tell me I need to date him... .I later found it in therapy that he felt insecure and inferior to my ex and because he had the fear he would tell me to go back to him.  We would be having a nice dinner or we would be doing something fun and he would say 'you need to go back to your ex'  and then every fight... .'are you calling your ex'  'are you getting your bed ready for him'  'tell him I said hi'.  I never cheated nor did I do anything to warrant that.  So after months and months of being accused of it I sent him the video... .not explaining at the time it  was from the past (which it was).



I con

I concluded though... .that he wanted me to react to him.  not only did it keep me engaged but it made him have reason to 'blame' me for what happened.  It gave him something to deflect upon.  And then it was easier for him to paint me black although he didn't need help with that... .he lied about it anyways.  It's ironic that ALL his exes were 'insane' and cheated.  Awwww I should have seen the signs.

i lost the rag aswell and went nucleur with him BPD's make mother teresa want to stan them to death so i wldnt worry about it. u were fighting back finally to an emotional memtal monster who did and dsnt give a toss how they hurt u. everyone has their limits BPD's push u too a million times passed that limit. its a miracle not more are found murdered i totally understand how people r pushed to that and i hvnt a violent bone in my body r ever raise my voice but this man brought out a horrible side to me because he was emitionally and mentally bullying me im glad i answered back and hve no regrets about anything horrid i said id feel a dormat if i hadnt expressed myself at all and god kniws none of us had a voice in these relationships

I was married to my uBPDx-wife for 16 years. About half way through marriage i was numb and would ignore her.

When she threatened suicide i told her to go ahead and do it.  When she was depressed in bed for days i told her to do us all a favor and kill herself already because she was nothing but a burden.

I called her stupid, irresponsible, lazy and fat and that she was a parasite. I said her core was rotten.

Once i learned how to disconnect i just went for a walk when ever she started raging.

divorce is final now, and i learned a lot about myself. I will never be like that/say that to another person in the future.  I would just leave them before any of that stuff happens.  not try to change or fix them.

Where do I begin?

I think the craziest thing I did was ignore the huge red flags that were constantly waving in the air. She kept telling me that her ex was abusive to her and then I would hear every six months about a new guy that she had cheated on him with (for a total of 4 that I know of over the course of a 1 year relationship). Her ex was 30 years older than her. She was 26, he was 58. She had spent time in a recovery center for bulimia. She would cry constantly over nothing. She was constantly injured. Some were physical (she kept breaking her foot) and some were just random headaches, migraines, shoulder pains, you name it. Her father left her when she was 5 and they didn't talk until she was 22. She would constantly berate me for not 'being nice to her'. She would yell and scream at me in the middle of the night to the point where I had to hide under the bed. She would always tell me "You just think I'm a crazy f'n btch". And there were so many weird calls, strange men 'drunk dialing her' (she thought that was funny).

And I just turned the other cheek. The entire time. Sometimes I would get angry but only because reasoning with her never went anywhere. I would always try to talk to her in a measured tone and then she would start yelling at me 'why can't you just be nice to me' and then I would start yelling back at her only to be told to stop yelling at her and that I was yelling at her all the time.

That was crazy. The whole entire few years was crazy.

I'm actually kind of jealous of you guys that actually fought back. Did end of saying or doing mean things. I wish I had done that years ago. I think it is actually a strong, healthy reaction. Maybe it isn't the best thing to act on those feelings but at the same time, anger can be a real friend when things just aren't making sense.

I wish I would have just said to her, 'Yeah, I do think you are a crazy f'n btch'. That would have saved me so much time and stress.

I said a lot of mean things, believe me, I don't feel good about it because generally being that way is not really my nature. I usually get mad, say briefly what is bothering me, then I withdraw.

Don't actually get mad enough most of the time to even get the energy up enough to be rude.

I keep telling myself it is understandable I would get upset, but he NEVER forgets that I have "insulted" him. Well tbh, I found it pretty insulting to be lied to, bullied, cheated on, it was really shocking to me what happened. And he would quietly and "reasonably" follow the trouble back to it's source, which was something I did... like once after he went off after disappearing on me and giving me the silent treatment, I decided to leave on a short trip of my own to see my family. Tried to contact to let him know but he had me blocked and wouldn't answer his cell  lol so I went. We had been living together  about 6 months then and when he came back to find me gone, he changed all the locks on the door and refused to let me back in for a day.

His explanation for this was, " well you caused it by leaving! It's your fault."

And I said haha I am not agreeing to THAT. But it was one for the first times I realized something was really wrong, he was distraught, furious, absolutely certain it was my fault.

I had no idea

I have thought that myself, like I'm doing all this research on someone who left me and is living with someone else but I do think it helps to put a lot of moments I remember in to perspective and make me see why she may have done what you did or why they happened.

When the frustration really set in and I realised he was ALWAYS twisting my words and saying totally irrational things, like after the kids were born  he said I had no intention of going back to work just wanted to be a housewife and live off him (god I hated that, I am a lawyer and have always loved my job, but it was slightly hard learning a new language and rebuilding a legal career in a new country living outside the city with two babies)... .

So I started to RAGE back at him.

Here is a bit of my crazy to get it off my chest

I punched him

Threw plates, glasses, pans round the kitchen

Broke a radio

Broke a painting done by a drug addict friend of his, because he was giving this guy loads of money that we didnt have

Hit him over the head with a bottle of olive oil

Really wanted to pick up a knife and finish it, either me or him

Tried to pummel the life out of him - he would show the kids the bruises and scratches afterwards, luckily he never hit me back

When he refused to talk to me and left the house I banged a metal chair up and down on the floor and it flew up and hit one of my teeth ( that was when I first went to see a psychiatrist for myself!)

Walked out of a restaurant when he was aggressive to our daughter

We arrived at a concert I had really looked forward to and he was asking me to transfer our house into his name, I got out of the car and walked about 5 km before he found me and took me home.

He gave me an expensive diamond bracelet (we were having the usual money issues and it was a total exaggereation and he knows I am not intested in showy jewellery or material things anyway) I wore it on and off but as the birthday had been ruined by an enormous rage by him, it always brought back bad memories so one day I cut it to pieces with scissors.

Then one day I left him and took the kids with me... Probably the sanest thing I have ever done... .

This thread was one of my favorites.  I wanted to push it up to the top.

Ambi,

for me the most telling quality or factor was that we didn't DO anything like this or even remotely close to it, in other past r/s, even intense ones.

somehow the intensity, plus their erratic on again/off again behaviors pushed us-even when we had tools and tried to use them- to our own negative limits.

In a weird way I find that fascinating.

And I'm hopeful that armed with self-knowledge I will never again choose a partner that triggers my worst behaviors.   

GL

Try not to feel bad about it.  I believe that the BPD's want us to lose it.  It shows them we have emotion.  I wonder if they see it as a way of us caring about them.  I remember that during the last few months (probably earlier) I had stopped losing my temper back apart from just the once when I blew because he was continually having a go at me.  Who can blame us for losing it!  I mean come on, they push and push and push.  I did the jading thing for a bit, but that was early days.  It's funny isn't it.  I kind of think in a way being with a BPD has made me somehow calmer and able to deal with bad situations in a more calm and educated way.  I bet you feel the same now looking back.  I bet it's calmed you. 

There are things I wished I never did. In the beginning of our marriage, she would rage at me. I MEAN RAGE! And she would always say afterwards, I was raging at her. I hated that. I knew it wasn't true. BUT, what I did do during her raging was take it until I could take no more. Then I would pop and yell back. I hated that I did that. I hated I was in a relationship where I felt out of control. Where I was out of control. It looked nothing like this when we dated! Who expected this once we married?

What I disliked the most that I did was, I would leave. I stopped responding to her rages and I would leave.

We talked to our therapist about this and he suggested to me, if I cannot stay in the moment and communicate effectively, leaving was a good idea. BUT, I needed to call or text her shortly thereafter and tell her where I was, when I was coming back.

Great, how about we address the core issue? Her RAGING! And then we won't have a situation where I am walking out?

That really never got addressed. All throughout our marriage, I would just leave. It became commonplace and she hated this. Not once did it alter her approach on dealing with issues. What was now happening was, we are talking in therapy about my detaching style and how it is affecting her?

My goodness... really?

I never dreamed of hitting her, I never wanted to be in a position to yell back. I walked on egg shells all the time. It mattered little how much I held my tongue. I was a master at asking for nothing, getting nothing, and STILL being accused of everything under the sun...  

I beat the divider in the double kitchen sink with the cheese grater.  I kicked in my front license plate on my car.  I fractured my foot by stomping so hard, a few months later, I fractured the other one.  No one but you folks know all that. He told me that I needed to quickly do my laundry every week so the washer/dryer was available for his daughters, told him he was a nimrod (ok, that's funny).  One night I was so angry at the extended silent treatment, I drove to a town 60 miles away and started drinking jack and cokes at a bar in a Chili's restaurant.  I silently cried in my cube at work day after day.  I surfed the web endlessly at work.  I drank myself silly at night.  I overate and gained 20 pounds.  I ignored my daughters because I was obsessed with the relationship. I rarely cleaned house.  I rarely read a book.  Watched tv constantly.

Ugh!

Me too.  I did too much crazy myself it would be novel.

But I here's one I left him sitting a restaurant table after some ridiculousness with being put it a love triangle.  I was fed up, said I needed to use the bathroom, called a cab from the bathroom and slipped out the back.  No word, just two plates of food going to the table.  

How immature is that?  Talk about water seeking its own level. 

          Where to start.

Our conflicts all went about the same. She would get angry and start this passive aggressive silent treatment. I would try to be healthy and ignore it after asking if she wanted to talk. Then she would escilate it by yelling at me for not caring. So I would calmly try talking with her. She would rage and try to scare me back. I would calmly stand my ground. When she did not like what I had to say she would try and run away. I would not let her beacause of her self destructive tendencys (I know I was wrong there). She would start to cry calling me an abuser and all I would say is we need to talk about these feelings so they get resoved and we don't keep hurting each other with them. Then the hyperventilating panic attack would set in. I would calm her down and wait it out. When her panic attack didn't work that is when she got violent. I had guns pulled on me knives axes hammers what ever else she could grab thrown at me. This is where I lost it. I would grab her put her on the floor and sit on her till she calmed down enough to be safe to be around. She is 5ft6in 150lbs I am 6ft5in 275lbs and she hated it. As she would put it I should have never married some one I could not beat up. So the craziness.

   I bought a gun safe to protect myself from her.

   I started disabling vehicles when I saw the rage coming so she could not drive off like a maniac.

   For the first time in my life I put my hands on a woman in anger(only to restrain her).

   Later I got worse I once broke her phone because she would use it to ignore me.

   I am a big man I know I can do damage if I want to. I finally said that is enough when I could not trust myself not to lose it. I am a very calm and patient person. I have an advanced degree in psychology. I am suppose to know how to control myself and avoid these situations but as said before these people are masters of pushing people over the edge. I would not have believed it though had I not lived it.

My ex has the uncanny ability to make me look completely nutso.  After the honeymoon phase wore off, he would constantly pick fights with me or say something mean and then shut down, making me argue with basically myself.  He would even bring on the tears to make me feel guilty. 

I read a book about attachments and I think that towards the end I was more anxious and he was more avoidant.  So I would act out and say things I didn't mean, just to get some reaction from him. 

It didn't matter though- at the end, I would always look like the evil, selfish girlfriend and he was the poor victim. 

SarahinMA - I can relate to this.  I even had to laugh to myself when you said about arguing with basically yourself, as I felt just like that.  Those are the moments when you question your sanity.  You're a good person.  Remember that.  You know how to love.  That's a wonderful thing.  I know that I know how to love ;-)  You are not nutso.

Great thread... .  ironically I discussed this very issue with my T today (first time I've seen one in over a year now... .  I thought it was finally time)... .  I didn't have very many outburts during our stormy romance, but the most recent one was eventful... .  I told her that she needed to be on medication, that she was acting like a btch and I asked where was the woman that I married.

I didn't get a very positive reaction.

F1

I texted my ex some nasty character assassinations,  as well.

I wasn't getting my point across verbally so I cracked it and resorted to crazy angry texting.

I told my ex in no uncertain terms that she is TOO inconsistent, TOO defensive and most likely deceptive. I brought up past examples... .  past fights... .  to prove my point. I was far too incoherent and hadn't properly pinpointed my concerns with her... .  so I ended up looking like a nutter

 

Diana82 - this quote in your post did make me smile, as I think I used to look like a nutter, even to the point of our break up and me going to try to resolve things day after day for 3 weeks (not quite every day but almost).  I'm not a nutter, but I certainly felt like one.  Sometimes you have to smile at the things we do as nons to try to make things work.  You needed to vent and didn't get the chance to do so, therefore you had to find your own way and you did just like me.  Try to be at peace with yourself ;-)

haha... I can laugh too which is good

I noticed my ex did have a very weird sensitivity to texting. She told me she had been dumped via text message by her first ex and she had a text war with her second ex fling/turned friend which lead to her cutting this 'friend' off.

She'd misinterpret all my texts. She'd take them to mean things they didn't mean.

She made it clear she didn't like discussing anything about our relationship via text (unless it was positive stuff).

My weakness which I have identified, is that I tended to resort to texting when I couldn't get my point across to her in person. She tended to interrupt me or cry etc so texting was an easy way for me to bang out all my thoughts in one hit without her interrupting or turning the focus on to herself.

I did try to stop texting or asking her relationship stuff via text but occasionally I would slip up and she'd crack it at me. 

I think she had PTTD- Post traumatic text syndrome

My last texts to her did lead to her dumping me in the end too

this may be the most comforting thread i've read here, and that's saying something. i have been mortally embarrassed by my outbursts, which were the most frequent reason for my stbxw's JADEing of me and the biggest element in my FOG since she left. i must come back with my own list. it'll be therapeutic to disgorge.

First... .this thread really hit home. I am 2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship with an uBPD alcoholic. I had begun to think I was the one with BPD. There is a phenomenon among "nons" called counter reactive BPD... .basically we mirror BPD behaviors in response to the stress of being with the BPD. Wow... .did this ever make sense and help me!

My behaviors? Went to a crack house late at nite looking for my ex...   alone. Leaving my 4 kids home with my 90 yo mom. Rammed my van into the back of the boat I bought her that she wastowing because she wouldn't stop her vehicle. Crying for hours on end... .begging her to come back. Dialing her phone over and over after she hung up on me. Deiving to her house late at nite with my 4 kids to confront her. Emailing her ex girlfriend for advice. Oh hell... .the list goes on and on.

NO. You don not have BPD. The fact that you ask that question is proof. They don't see themselves and in the same breath view the world as revolving around them. They can not own their mistakes much less genuinely apologize for them. They are master manipulators and don't even know it.

Look back on the beginning of your relationship. Did you start out by calling names? Hitting?

I can only assume the answer is no. You have slowly gotten to this point. Imagine, if you will, a healthy relationship as two of you are in the middle of an ocean. No life preservers. No boats. Just each other. Holding each other at arms length, at eye level. If you both put equal efforts into holding each other up, you can both stay afloat. Now take that same analogy but with your BPD partner. At first you both stay afloat... .then little by little you notice you are treading a little more. Then you notice you aren't at eye level... .you're sinking. And their grasp is getting tighter but they aren't pulling anymore... .they are pushing. After a while the water level rises and rises until finally its right below your nose. Now your grip gets tighter, and you starting pushing. And you panic and start the thrash around a bit because you are drowning. Your instinct is to survive. Sometimes... .you even wish them dead because it would be much easier than having to let go. Because with out you, they cant float as well. They aren't great swimmers. And it would be YOUR fault if they drowned. So you continue to hold on. You compromise. You justify. You survive but just barely.

Dont be so hard on yourself. Know that the effect BPD's have on people is called "Crazy Making" and they do just that. You arent crazy, you arent a terrible perons... .in fact this isnt you. Its the animal instinct in you doing what it think it needs to in order to survive.

Sheesh I sorta feel odd man on on this issue. After I caught her texting her "ex"(are they ever ex, as a matter of fact where do they find these wimps?) and listening to her obvious false explanations and outright lies I quietly began my exit strategy at major lie number one. No fighting, no attempted reasoning. Once I realized she could look me in the eye and tell such outlandish lies about something so serious it was a done deal for me right then and there. I am not talking about a teenager here the woman was over 40 years old for cryin out loud. I was flabbergasted to say the least.  I never again had sex or attempted intimacy or closeness with her again despite her subsequent "man"euvers and jealousy inducing manipulations. That was tough on me I do admit cuz dayum I had the hot hot HOTS for her.  Anyway... .

She asked me what was up with me and was I angry in my silence and in a moment of my twisted humor at her question I said "honey, homey don't play dat way". Shortly after she said "I think your breaking up with me because I was being honest and told you too much".(Oh the "adventures" they volunteer to reveal ) I said "Yes you did".

She was formally notified and served with a 30 day eviction within a week. I paid for and had the moving van packed and loaded when she came home on that 30th day. Adios! folie

In hindsight I believe I did not get a lot of static out of her because she sensed she was about to tangle with a different kind of cat. The drama came after when her and the "ex" robbed my home. My payback for being a gentle man eh?

The only "crazy" thing I did was call my exUBPDgf a "monster" after she RAGED at me at tail end of devaluation/discard of round 1. She had never spoken to me in such a way up until that point(with an elevated voice to boot). I had no clue about BPD or anything related when I said that to her, I just knew that there was clearly something really ___ing wrong here, like why was this person whom I had just spent not even 2 weeks prior, the most beautiful and intimate 4 days with her in her city, yelling at me with such ferocity? Afterwards I regretted calling her that name, but I had said it based on her behavior towards me, it was monstrous.

Mate, what you are saying seems completely a healthy Nd sane reaction from ur part :)