The crazy stuff WE did

[elemental]

About 2 weeks ago I broke out in hives after a particularly stressful couple of days.

I had these big itchy patches on my face.

I am still getting the silent treatment for near a week now. Usually I am screaming murder by this time, but I just figured I would get on with things.

[BleedsOrange]

I broke out in hives once from the stress. Deep breaths, brotha. The poison will work its way out soon.

LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. I say this all the time, "famous last words."

I always think- I mean EVERY time- that THIS one is the last one- that she will not come back. I have been wrong every time. So the longer the silent treatment goes, the more secure and comfortable you will be with the silence. Just know, that at any moment- probably the moment you feel the most secure- that phone may ring.

I'm not saying to be paranoid or anxious. Just be ready. Know what you need to do for you. And especially, If when you see that email, txt, phone call and it feels like you have to vomit and crap at the same time, it's a pretty good sign that you should stay away.

Search your feelings, you know it to be true <------- I just wanted to say that.

[breathelife]

I can write a book on this topic.  I did things that sent me to many different therapists because I didn't believe them when they said I wasn't crazy or didn't have BPD.  One of my therapists said that it's like a 'nice' bear... .if he keeps poking at you long enough you are going to fight back.  It's human instinct.  In the beginning, I would remove myself from the situation.  I have walked out of restaurants etc.  He would texts me for hours and often times cruel mean things and accuse me of 'moving on'.  Yes... .I staged a fight in a restaurant so I could walk out to go on another date.  We didn't live together... .we didn't have kids together... .don't you think it would be easier for me to break up with him or just cancel our date if I wanted to date someone else... .c'mon get over yourself.  And sometimes he would say (insert condescending tone) 'run... .run like you always do.  Of course... .'  or 'you are to sit here and listen to me yell.  You have no matters and are rude' (and it's totally cool for you to make me cry in the middle of this restaurant... .no not rude at all).  so here are some of the crazy things I did... .I hope I don't get put away... .

-I kicked him in the head in the car because I would have rather gotten out of the car and walk home the rest of the way than listen to his verbal abusive, and he wouldn't let me and was holding me down.  of course the story was changed to... .I was trying to get out of a moving car and he was holding me down to protect me.  ok... .think about this... .I was driving... .he was holding me down... I was kicking him in the head... .how is the car still moving?  real story: i pulled over cuz my pleas to stop it with the diarrhea of the mouth  were not answered.

-names I have called him: piece of sh&t, loser, as$hole, effin this and that... .you name it I prolly said it. 

-I threw a bottle of alcohol against the wall

-I flicked food at him

-I kicked him out of my house numerous times.

-I threw gifts he got me over the balcony

-I said mean things about his family and son

-the cruelist thing I did... .I sent him a short snipit of my ex and having sex because he kept accusing me of cheating with him... .not only cheating but every couple of days he would tell me I need to date him... .I later found it in therapy that he felt insecure and inferior to my ex and because he had the fear he would tell me to go back to him.  We would be having a nice dinner or we would be doing something fun and he would say 'you need to go back to your ex'  and then every fight... .'are you calling your ex'  'are you getting your bed ready for him'  'tell him I said hi'.  I never cheated nor did I do anything to warrant that.  So after months and months of being accused of it I sent him the video... .not explaining at the time it  was from the past (which it was).



I con

[breathelife]

I concluded though... .that he wanted me to react to him.  not only did it keep me engaged but it made him have reason to 'blame' me for what happened.  It gave him something to deflect upon.  And then it was easier for him to paint me black although he didn't need help with that... .he lied about it anyways.  It's ironic that ALL his exes were 'insane' and cheated.  Awwww I should have seen the signs.

[vegasbaby]

i lost the rag aswell and went nucleur with him BPD's make mother teresa want to stan them to death so i wldnt worry about it. u were fighting back finally to an emotional memtal monster who did and dsnt give a toss how they hurt u. everyone has their limits BPD's push u too a million times passed that limit. its a miracle not more are found murdered i totally understand how people r pushed to that and i hvnt a violent bone in my body r ever raise my voice but this man brought out a horrible side to me because he was emitionally and mentally bullying me im glad i answered back and hve no regrets about anything horrid i said id feel a dormat if i hadnt expressed myself at all and god kniws none of us had a voice in these relationships

[awakened_father]

I was married to my uBPDx-wife for 16 years. About half way through marriage i was numb and would ignore her.

When she threatened suicide i told her to go ahead and do it.  When she was depressed in bed for days i told her to do us all a favor and kill herself already because she was nothing but a burden.

I called her stupid, irresponsible, lazy and fat and that she was a parasite. I said her core was rotten.

Once i learned how to disconnect i just went for a walk when ever she started raging.

divorce is final now, and i learned a lot about myself. I will never be like that/say that to another person in the future.  I would just leave them before any of that stuff happens.  not try to change or fix them.

[willy45]

Where do I begin?

I think the craziest thing I did was ignore the huge red flags that were constantly waving in the air. She kept telling me that her ex was abusive to her and then I would hear every six months about a new guy that she had cheated on him with (for a total of 4 that I know of over the course of a 1 year relationship). Her ex was 30 years older than her. She was 26, he was 58. She had spent time in a recovery center for bulimia. She would cry constantly over nothing. She was constantly injured. Some were physical (she kept breaking her foot) and some were just random headaches, migraines, shoulder pains, you name it. Her father left her when she was 5 and they didn't talk until she was 22. She would constantly berate me for not 'being nice to her'. She would yell and scream at me in the middle of the night to the point where I had to hide under the bed. She would always tell me "You just think I'm a crazy f'n btch". And there were so many weird calls, strange men 'drunk dialing her' (she thought that was funny).

And I just turned the other cheek. The entire time. Sometimes I would get angry but only because reasoning with her never went anywhere. I would always try to talk to her in a measured tone and then she would start yelling at me 'why can't you just be nice to me' and then I would start yelling back at her only to be told to stop yelling at her and that I was yelling at her all the time.

That was crazy. The whole entire few years was crazy.

I'm actually kind of jealous of you guys that actually fought back. Did end of saying or doing mean things. I wish I had done that years ago. I think it is actually a strong, healthy reaction. Maybe it isn't the best thing to act on those feelings but at the same time, anger can be a real friend when things just aren't making sense.

I wish I would have just said to her, 'Yeah, I do think you are a crazy f'n btch'. That would have saved me so much time and stress.

[elemental]

I said a lot of mean things, believe me, I don't feel good about it because generally being that way is not really my nature. I usually get mad, say briefly what is bothering me, then I withdraw.

Don't actually get mad enough most of the time to even get the energy up enough to be rude.

I keep telling myself it is understandable I would get upset, but he NEVER forgets that I have "insulted" him. Well tbh, I found it pretty insulting to be lied to, bullied, cheated on, it was really shocking to me what happened. And he would quietly and "reasonably" follow the trouble back to it's source, which was something I did... like once after he went off after disappearing on me and giving me the silent treatment, I decided to leave on a short trip of my own to see my family. Tried to contact to let him know but he had me blocked and wouldn't answer his cell  so I went. We had been living together  about 6 months then and when he came back to find me gone, he changed all the locks on the door and refused to let me back in for a day.

His explanation for this was, " well you caused it by leaving! It's your fault."

And I said haha I am not agreeing to THAT. But it was one for the first times I realized something was really wrong, he was distraught, furious, absolutely certain it was my fault.

I had no idea

[ChrisJ31]

And I'm also wondering if I'm a little nuts emmersing myself with information on BPD when I am almost an expert on it now. And spending my evenings before bed on the forum,  while helpful being "around" people who can relate to me without actually thinking I was nuts to stay and nuts to be giving it this much headspace... .it's still a bit much.

Guess it is the unravelling of the tangled mess... .chipping off the dried crusty crazy to find ourselves and our sanity again.  ?

I have thought that myself, like I'm doing all this research on someone who left me and is living with someone else but I do think it helps to put a lot of moments I remember in to perspective and make me see why she may have done what you did or why they happened.

[Cmjo]

When the frustration really set in and I realised he was ALWAYS twisting my words and saying totally irrational things, like after the kids were born  he said I had no intention of going back to work just wanted to be a housewife and live off him (god I hated that, I am a lawyer and have always loved my job, but it was slightly hard learning a new language and rebuilding a legal career in a new country living outside the city with two babies)... .

So I started to RAGE back at him.

Here is a bit of my crazy to get it off my chest

I punched him

Threw plates, glasses, pans round the kitchen

Broke a radio

Broke a painting done by a drug addict friend of his, because he was giving this guy loads of money that we didnt have

Hit him over the head with a bottle of olive oil

Really wanted to pick up a knife and finish it, either me or him

Tried to pummel the life out of him - he would show the kids the bruises and scratches afterwards, luckily he never hit me back

When he refused to talk to me and left the house I banged a metal chair up and down on the floor and it flew up and hit one of my teeth ( that was when I first went to see a psychiatrist for myself!)

Walked out of a restaurant when he was aggressive to our daughter

We arrived at a concert I had really looked forward to and he was asking me to transfer our house into his name, I got out of the car and walked about 5 km before he found me and took me home.

He gave me an expensive diamond bracelet (we were having the usual money issues and it was a total exaggereation and he knows I am not intested in showy jewellery or material things anyway) I wore it on and off but as the birthday had been ruined by an enormous rage by him, it always brought back bad memories so one day I cut it to pieces with scissors.

Then one day I left him and took the kids with me... Probably the sanest thing I have ever done... .

[ChrisJ31]

Hit him over the head with a bottle of olive oil

LOL

Then one day I left him and took the kids with me... Probably the sanest thing I have ever done... .

Good for you!

[ambi]

This thread was one of my favorites.  I wanted to push it up to the top.

[gina louise]

Ambi,

for me the most telling quality or factor was that we didn't DO anything like this or even remotely close to it, in other past r/s, even intense ones.

somehow the intensity, plus their erratic on again/off again behaviors pushed us-even when we had tools and tried to use them- to our own negative limits.

In a weird way I find that fascinating.

And I'm hopeful that armed with self-knowledge I will never again choose a partner that triggers my worst behaviors.   

GL

[happiness68]

Try not to feel bad about it.  I believe that the BPD's want us to lose it.  It shows them we have emotion.  I wonder if they see it as a way of us caring about them.  I remember that during the last few months (probably earlier) I had stopped losing my temper back apart from just the once when I blew because he was continually having a go at me.  Who can blame us for losing it!  I mean come on, they push and push and push.  I did the jading thing for a bit, but that was early days.  It's funny isn't it.  I kind of think in a way being with a BPD has made me somehow calmer and able to deal with bad situations in a more calm and educated way.  I bet you feel the same now looking back.  I bet it's calmed you. 

[spaceace]

There are things I wished I never did. In the beginning of our marriage, she would rage at me. I MEAN RAGE! And she would always say afterwards, I was raging at her. I hated that. I knew it wasn't true. BUT, what I did do during her raging was take it until I could take no more. Then I would pop and yell back. I hated that I did that. I hated I was in a relationship where I felt out of control. Where I was out of control. It looked nothing like this when we dated! Who expected this once we married?

What I disliked the most that I did was, I would leave. I stopped responding to her rages and I would leave.

We talked to our therapist about this and he suggested to me, if I cannot stay in the moment and communicate effectively, leaving was a good idea. BUT, I needed to call or text her shortly thereafter and tell her where I was, when I was coming back.

Great, how about we address the core issue? Her RAGING! And then we won't have a situation where I am walking out?

That really never got addressed. All throughout our marriage, I would just leave. It became commonplace and she hated this. Not once did it alter her approach on dealing with issues. What was now happening was, we are talking in therapy about my detaching style and how it is affecting her?

My goodness... really?

I never dreamed of hitting her, I never wanted to be in a position to yell back. I walked on egg shells all the time. It mattered little how much I held my tongue. I was a master at asking for nothing, getting nothing, and STILL being accused of everything under the sun...  

[Rose Tiger]

I beat the divider in the double kitchen sink with the cheese grater.  I kicked in my front license plate on my car.  I fractured my foot by stomping so hard, a few months later, I fractured the other one.  No one but you folks know all that. He told me that I needed to quickly do my laundry every week so the washer/dryer was available for his daughters, told him he was a nimrod (ok, that's funny).  One night I was so angry at the extended silent treatment, I drove to a town 60 miles away and started drinking jack and cokes at a bar in a Chili's restaurant.  I silently cried in my cube at work day after day.  I surfed the web endlessly at work.  I drank myself silly at night.  I overate and gained 20 pounds.  I ignored my daughters because I was obsessed with the relationship. I rarely cleaned house.  I rarely read a book.  Watched tv constantly.

Ugh!

[GreenMango]

This thread was one of my favorites.  I wanted to push it up to the top.

Me too.  I did too much crazy myself it would be novel.

But I here's one I left him sitting a restaurant table after some ridiculousness with being put it a love triangle.  I was fed up, said I needed to use the bathroom, called a cab from the bathroom and slipped out the back.  No word, just two plates of food going to the table.  

How immature is that?  Talk about water seeking its own level. 

[lost not dead]

          Where to start.

Our conflicts all went about the same. She would get angry and start this passive aggressive silent treatment. I would try to be healthy and ignore it after asking if she wanted to talk. Then she would escilate it by yelling at me for not caring. So I would calmly try talking with her. She would rage and try to scare me back. I would calmly stand my ground. When she did not like what I had to say she would try and run away. I would not let her beacause of her self destructive tendencys (I know I was wrong there). She would start to cry calling me an abuser and all I would say is we need to talk about these feelings so they get resoved and we don't keep hurting each other with them. Then the hyperventilating panic attack would set in. I would calm her down and wait it out. When her panic attack didn't work that is when she got violent. I had guns pulled on me knives axes hammers what ever else she could grab thrown at me. This is where I lost it. I would grab her put her on the floor and sit on her till she calmed down enough to be safe to be around. She is 5ft6in 150lbs I am 6ft5in 275lbs and she hated it. As she would put it I should have never married some one I could not beat up. So the craziness.

   I bought a gun safe to protect myself from her.

   I started disabling vehicles when I saw the rage coming so she could not drive off like a maniac.

   For the first time in my life I put my hands on a woman in anger(only to restrain her).

   Later I got worse I once broke her phone because she would use it to ignore me.

   I am a big man I know I can do damage if I want to. I finally said that is enough when I could not trust myself not to lose it. I am a very calm and patient person. I have an advanced degree in psychology. I am suppose to know how to control myself and avoid these situations but as said before these people are masters of pushing people over the edge. I would not have believed it though had I not lived it.

[SarahinMA]

My ex has the uncanny ability to make me look completely nutso.  After the honeymoon phase wore off, he would constantly pick fights with me or say something mean and then shut down, making me argue with basically myself.  He would even bring on the tears to make me feel guilty. 

I read a book about attachments and I think that towards the end I was more anxious and he was more avoidant.  So I would act out and say things I didn't mean, just to get some reaction from him. 

It didn't matter though- at the end, I would always look like the evil, selfish girlfriend and he was the poor victim. 

[happiness68]

SarahinMA - I can relate to this.  I even had to laugh to myself when you said about arguing with basically yourself, as I felt just like that.  Those are the moments when you question your sanity.  You're a good person.  Remember that.  You know how to love.  That's a wonderful thing.  I know that I know how to love ;-)  You are not nutso.

My ex has the uncanny ability to make me look completely nutso.  After the honeymoon phase wore off, he would constantly pick fights with me or say something mean and then shut down, making me argue with basically myself.  He would even bring on the tears to make me feel guilty. 

I read a book about attachments and I think that towards the end I was more anxious and he was more avoidant.  So I would act out and say things I didn't mean, just to get some reaction from him. 

It didn't matter though- at the end, I would always look like the evil, selfish girlfriend and he was the poor victim. 

[FoolishOne]

Great thread... .  ironically I discussed this very issue with my T today (first time I've seen one in over a year now... .  I thought it was finally time)... .  I didn't have very many outburts during our stormy romance, but the most recent one was eventful... .  I told her that she needed to be on medication, that she was acting like a btch and I asked where was the woman that I married.

I didn't get a very positive reaction.

F1

[Diana82]

I texted my ex some nasty character assassinations,  as well.

I wasn't getting my point across verbally so I cracked it and resorted to crazy angry texting.

I told my ex in no uncertain terms that she is TOO inconsistent, TOO defensive and most likely deceptive. I brought up past examples... .  past fights... .  to prove my point. I was far too incoherent and hadn't properly pinpointed my concerns with her... .  so I ended up looking like a nutter

 

[happiness68]

Diana82 - this quote in your post did make me smile, as I think I used to look like a nutter, even to the point of our break up and me going to try to resolve things day after day for 3 weeks (not quite every day but almost).  I'm not a nutter, but I certainly felt like one.  Sometimes you have to smile at the things we do as nons to try to make things work.  You needed to vent and didn't get the chance to do so, therefore you had to find your own way and you did just like me.  Try to be at peace with yourself ;-)

r... .  so I ended up looking like a nutter

 

[Diana82]

haha... I can laugh too which is good

I noticed my ex did have a very weird sensitivity to texting. She told me she had been dumped via text message by her first ex and she had a text war with her second ex fling/turned friend which lead to her cutting this 'friend' off.

She'd misinterpret all my texts. She'd take them to mean things they didn't mean.

She made it clear she didn't like discussing anything about our relationship via text (unless it was positive stuff).

My weakness which I have identified, is that I tended to resort to texting when I couldn't get my point across to her in person. She tended to interrupt me or cry etc so texting was an easy way for me to bang out all my thoughts in one hit without her interrupting or turning the focus on to herself.

I did try to stop texting or asking her relationship stuff via text but occasionally I would slip up and she'd crack it at me. 

I think she had PTTD- Post traumatic text syndrome

My last texts to her did lead to her dumping me in the end too

[maxen]

this may be the most comforting thread i've read here, and that's saying something. i have been mortally embarrassed by my outbursts, which were the most frequent reason for my stbxw's JADEing of me and the biggest element in my FOG since she left. i must come back with my own list. it'll be therapeutic to disgorge.

[PattyG]

First... .this thread really hit home. I am 2 weeks out of a 5 year relationship with an uBPD alcoholic. I had begun to think I was the one with BPD. There is a phenomenon among "nons" called counter reactive BPD... .basically we mirror BPD behaviors in response to the stress of being with the BPD. Wow... .did this ever make sense and help me!

My behaviors? Went to a crack house late at nite looking for my ex...   alone. Leaving my 4 kids home with my 90 yo mom. Rammed my van into the back of the boat I bought her that she wastowing because she wouldn't stop her vehicle. Crying for hours on end... .begging her to come back. Dialing her phone over and over after she hung up on me. Deiving to her house late at nite with my 4 kids to confront her. Emailing her ex girlfriend for advice. Oh hell... .the list goes on and on.

[BPSurvivor7588]

NO. You don not have BPD. The fact that you ask that question is proof. They don't see themselves and in the same breath view the world as revolving around them. They can not own their mistakes much less genuinely apologize for them. They are master manipulators and don't even know it.

Look back on the beginning of your relationship. Did you start out by calling names? Hitting?

I can only assume the answer is no. You have slowly gotten to this point. Imagine, if you will, a healthy relationship as two of you are in the middle of an ocean. No life preservers. No boats. Just each other. Holding each other at arms length, at eye level. If you both put equal efforts into holding each other up, you can both stay afloat. Now take that same analogy but with your BPD partner. At first you both stay afloat... .then little by little you notice you are treading a little more. Then you notice you aren't at eye level... .you're sinking. And their grasp is getting tighter but they aren't pulling anymore... .they are pushing. After a while the water level rises and rises until finally its right below your nose. Now your grip gets tighter, and you starting pushing. And you panic and start the thrash around a bit because you are drowning. Your instinct is to survive. Sometimes... .you even wish them dead because it would be much easier than having to let go. Because with out you, they cant float as well. They aren't great swimmers. And it would be YOUR fault if they drowned. So you continue to hold on. You compromise. You justify. You survive but just barely.

Dont be so hard on yourself. Know that the effect BPD's have on people is called "Crazy Making" and they do just that. You arent crazy, you arent a terrible perons... .in fact this isnt you. Its the animal instinct in you doing what it think it needs to in order to survive.

[ShadowDancer]

Sheesh I sorta feel odd man on on this issue. After I caught her texting her "ex"(are they ever ex, as a matter of fact where do they find these wimps?) and listening to her obvious false explanations and outright lies I quietly began my exit strategy at major lie number one. No fighting, no attempted reasoning. Once I realized she could look me in the eye and tell such outlandish lies about something so serious it was a done deal for me right then and there. I am not talking about a teenager here the woman was over 40 years old for cryin out loud. I was flabbergasted to say the least.  I never again had sex or attempted intimacy or closeness with her again despite her subsequent "man"euvers and jealousy inducing manipulations. That was tough on me I do admit cuz dayum I had the hot hot HOTS for her.  Anyway... .

She asked me what was up with me and was I angry in my silence and in a moment of my twisted humor at her question I said "honey, homey don't play dat way". Shortly after she said "I think your breaking up with me because I was being honest and told you too much".(Oh the "adventures" they volunteer to reveal ) I said "Yes you did".

She was formally notified and served with a 30 day eviction within a week. I paid for and had the moving van packed and loaded when she came home on that 30th day. Adios!

In hindsight I believe I did not get a lot of static out of her because she sensed she was about to tangle with a different kind of cat. The drama came after when her and the "ex" robbed my home. My payback for being a gentle man eh?

[Ironmanrises]

The only "crazy" thing I did was call my exUBPDgf a "monster" after she RAGED at me at tail end of devaluation/discard of round 1. She had never spoken to me in such a way up until that point(with an elevated voice to boot). I had no clue about BPD or anything related when I said that to her, I just knew that there was clearly something really ___ing wrong here, like why was this person whom I had just spent not even 2 weeks prior, the most beautiful and intimate 4 days with her in her city, yelling at me with such ferocity? Afterwards I regretted calling her that name, but I had said it based on her behavior towards me, it was monstrous.

[HarmKrakow]

The only "crazy" thing I did was call my exUBPDgf a "monster" after she RAGED at me at tail end of devaluation/discard of round 1. She had never spoken to me in such a way up until that point(with an elevated voice to boot). I had no clue about BPD or anything related when I said that to her, I just knew that there was clearly something really ___ing wrong here, like why was this person whom I had just spent not even 2 weeks prior, the most beautiful and intimate 4 days with her in her city, yelling at me with such ferocity? Afterwards I regretted calling her that name, but I had said it based on her behavior towards me, it was monstrous.

Mate, what you are saying seems completely a healthy Nd sane reaction from ur part