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Or am I the only one?  I feel like an outsider amongst my friends because no matter how bad things get in their home, their man or woman atleast stays by their side. Everyone feels pity for me & angry at him  for being a jerk. and honestly I feel so humiliated I want to hide from the world anyway. I just wonder why I am not worth it. Why am I not worth sticking to? I gave him all I had & I am not.good enough.

Yes.  Of course.  This is what they do best.  You will never be good enough for these people.  Ever.  No matter what.  Understand that you will never be good enough.  They will find fault where there is none.  It isn't you.  We all feel like this.  It is just so aweful.  I am so sorry they have made you feel imperfect.  I completely get it. 

Is yours gone right now too?

Mine is... .he's done it to me so many times and so cruelly its humiliating, unbelievable, etc.

Mostly because I still love him so much and want him so badly still... .

We had a great time two days ago.  I mean the best.  That is how I knew what would come next.  The was the pull and so now comes the push.  I got the push last night in a text.  In a form of control.  He said that he would be busy now through Jan 4th.  After the 4th, we will get together and then he dangled several fun activities we might do.  Two days ago was our year aniversary of getting together.  I didn't even know that.  He told me the day I saw him.  So in his attempt to control he wished me a Merry Christmas and a HNY... .  until the 4th?  I didn't respond.  I have said nothing and I hope that I will never respond again.  I want to be that strong.  I don't know if I can, but I can try everyday?  It is hurtful.  So hurtful. 

Hey All!

Ah yes, leaving, or as I chose to think of it, running away! mssomebodynice is correct, it is a form of control. When things are feeling out of control for pwBPD, they seek to bring it back under their control. Before I understood this, I fell for the manipulation every time, hook, line and sinker. I cried, I begged, pleaded, don't go, come back etc., etc. Now, I let my pwBPD go. I don't react in any way. I work to stay in Wise Mind before, during and after. In the absence, whether minutes, hours, or days, I carry on as usual. I sleep, eat, work, play, whatever it is that I would have done if he hadn't left. Oh, don't get me wrong, it isn't easy, at first. It does get easier though, and here's the icing on the cake, sometimes, the pwBPD stops (or does less frequently). Why? Because, in my case, he is not getting the payoff he got before. That's been the key for me. Showing him that he can control what he does, and so can I, and I don't play into his hand anymore! As I like to say, we teach people how to treat us!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Mine goes for months though.

But yes when he does it is ubelievably cruel.the things he says omg.he actually moves on with another, they end it, he comes back. Its like he meets someone infactuating & wants to play house then come back to boring ole dull me when he hates her. The sad part is we have so much fun & get along great when I am on his good side

Washisheart,

We all do (get along great that is) when they want to.  They are masters in being the most loveable person ever.  We had an amazing few hours the other day.  He smiled constantly.  So did I.  This time though, I knew it wouldn't last.  In fact, because it was so perfect I knew he would push me away.  My BPD will not tell me that he loves me.  I think it has been years since he has said that to anyone.  Can these people really love?  I am not so sure about that?  I know this much, it is not a normal love.  Not like what you and I feel.  I know he misses me like crazy at times and will not allow himself to even call me.  They are really in a Hell like we will never know.  At the same time, because of their imature elavated sense of self, they believe they deserve happiness all the time, so I am sure he contacts other women to feed his narcissistic self.  My BPD is over weight and so makes sure he chooses long distance relationsips or in otherwords people who cannot see him.  He sends old photos of himself during these conversations.  It is all very sick.  I am very sick, as long as I take his unacceptable behavior towards me for the little bit of bliss that I get.  I can only work on me.  I am, one day at a time.  Baby steps... .

This is one of my uBPDw's favorite cards to play - you're not alone Washisheart!  Listen to what Val has to say... .tons of good advice from that one :)

My wife likes to "leave" and most of the time it's just a drawn out scenario with her going out to the car to start it, coming back in to pack some stuff, loading the car, coming back in because she forgot something, back out to the car, sits in it talking on the phone, back in the house... .

I used to get really worked up - begging her to just come back inside, pleading with her to calm down, etc.  Now, I'll be honest, I don't give a crap; in fact, I kind of like it when she actually leaves for a night.  Instead of being upset and worried the whole time, I just look at the flipside - I can do what I want, there is 0 stress, and my life is peaceful for however long she is gone (she's never done anything long term yet - 2 days tops at this point).  

I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone!  You ARE NOT THE REASON he keeps leaving :)  It's a control mechanism and it's emotional abuse.

My exBPDbf (undiagnosed, not sure where to put the "u" yet), moved in and out of my house more times than I can remember when he lived with me for a year.  It was always abrupt, off the handle, for seemingly no reason, and he would scream and yell at me the entire time.  The more I tried to calm him down and say "let's talk" the more angry and cruel he would become.  The most traumatic part was that I never knew if it was "final" because he would not speak to me after he left abruptly, slamming doors, leaving things a mess in his wake, etc. He'd block my phone number so I couldn't text or call, and wouldn't return emails.  Having abandonment issues of my own from childhood, I did not know how to cope with this.  It was the most painful experience for me... .and then it started to happen over, and over, and over and over again, and each time, it got worse.  It got to the point where he never kept anything in closets or drawers so his things were whittled down to what he could pack up and grab quickly and move out (in 10 minutes) and drive away. I didn't realize that until later. He would sometimes play the game of coming back for something, as if he had "forgotten" it, or would accuse me of hiding some thing he was looking for as a reason to come back (that I would later find in his truck).  I knew it was somehow related to control, but I couldn't understand it fully, calmly, or rationally enough myself to take an attitude of "do whatever you want!"  I felt it was cruel, unjust, unfair, immature, unkind, disrespectful, and all of the other normal things that normal adults feel when another adult acts childish.  Sometimes, he'd come back the very next day and act like nothing happened.  Sometimes, it would be weeks with no contact. 

How did I get through these things?  First, I had panic attacks.  I would call, text, try to reach him frantically.  When it dawned on me that he was not going to respond, I started to drink, heavily, and bascially tried to self-medicate so I could go to sleep because I was so upset. Sometimes I'd even drive to his parents after being hysterical and drinking, hoping he'd come out to talk to me.  It pushed me to such points of desperation I've never known. I am not blaming him for my behavior or choices, but I would suggest finding healthy ways to cope, be it leaving the relationship for good, or getting a good therapist, or relying on a support system (none of which I had). Ultimately, for me, the unrest and upheval that it caused me personally, physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, in terms of health and alcoholism was not worth the "happy" times.   I've been trying to deal and get over all of these things for almost 3 years now, and I only dated this person for one.           

Sorry, I wanted to add one more thing.  I'm new to this forum, and am stupid for not having joined sooner, so I am excited to finally talk about things that I couldn't with family or even best friends because I hid so much from people. 

My ex also once said I "couldn't tame him" which is why he ultimately left me.  He would also say "you're supposed to be smarter than me."  These things bothered me because I felt like a failure.  But by that, he meant:  have no reaction.  If you are interested in staying with this person, that's what you'll be expected to do:  have no reaction to anything he does, or in other words, allow or "tame" their behavior.  You will end up dealing with all of the internal turmoil so that they ultimately never have to change.  If you are okay with letting him leave and come back whenever he wants to, with no consequence, then maybe it will work out.  Most people I know want solid, healthy relationships that don't involve dealing with this kind of stuff. In other words, you shouldn't have to change basic and normal relationship behaviors to accommodate their abnormal behaviors.  Hope this helps. 

ONE more thing! :)  You ARE worth it.  You are good enough.  You always have been.  Before you met this person, you were worth it & you knew it.  You were good enough & you knew it.  So, let yourself be worth it, let yourself be good enough. And let yourself be single, if that's what that means right now. Because sometimes being WORTH IT and GOOD ENOUGH means BEING ALONE. Stick to yourself!  You are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful, and you are alive, because you have FEELINGS and you know what they are. Honor them. Honor yourself. 

I'm sorry guys! I'm so happy to be able to say how I feel.  I wish no one would feel humiliated for talking about this. Honestly!  That's how you get trapped! 

Feeling like hiding because you're embarrassed about how another person treats you!  That's Red Flag #1, dump them!

No, seriously.  If it was that obvious, we wouldn't be here, would we. 

Flag #2 is that we are hurt.  We are embarrassed because we want to love and be loved.  It's almost like we're putting on a show to support the BPD when no one asked for it, right? We put faith in BPDs.  We want them to come through.  We want them to do the thing we know somehow, somewhere in our hearts that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO.  We want to be able to tell others all the good things about them (and there are good things) after they do something really cruel, like ditch us for a holiday, ignore us on our birthday, move out for weeks at a time.  You can't explain that to most people.  You can't explain that those very serious "hurts" somehow are worth the good times.  The question, is... .

Flag #3  Are they worth it?  There's likely something going on within each one of us who tolerates a relationship with a BPD.  Are we depressed?  Feeling insecure?  Are we getting addicted to the high's and low's of being on a pedestal and then knocked off?  Are we lonely?  Not attractive?  Not smart?  Hopeless?  What is it?  None of us, in our heart of hearts, would probably imagine a relationship to be this way.  So why is it good enough for us?  Really? And that's the hard part. At least it was for me. It was easier for me to focus on how good and bad that relationship made me feel instead of how I felt, deep down.  And that's stuff that can change.  The BPD, I'm not sure about.  Unless they make a real, serious, invested effort... .and I'd rather put that kind of energy into myself, because I know I can and furthermore, WILL.

Hi Washisheart,

No, you are definitely not alone. My pwBPD (my bf or possibly ex since a week ago) used to do this regularly and actually still does. The first 2,5 years of our 4 years together he would either simply break up, leave and go NC for anything lasting for a day up to once 7 months. This last year, since getting back together after the 7-month-break, he insists he is not breaking up, but he will still leave as in not deal with us, not participate, not contact me and keep his responding to whatever contacting I might do to a minimum. It is so painful. In the beginning I was bewildered and in total shock as to how anybody could react the way he did, and I never knew why really, the most minute things could send him over the edge. I used to beg and plead but nowadays I do the opposite. I walk the other way and do my own thing, mostly because I need to feel better, to take care of myself, but also to show him I am not waiting for him anymore. If he wants to be with me he needs to stick around. And like others have written here, it is a control thing, so I make sure he knows he cannot control me.

This Xmas he declared he wouldn't spend with me. I was upset, of course, and I feel abandoned and rejected. But when I got an invitation to go see some friends overseas I went. He has told me he was a little upset he wasn't invited, but he was invited, it was just that as he had decided to "leave" I just didn't include him. We have planned a few trips together this winter. I am sure he expects that as he left me over Xmas these trips are still on the agenda. But just today I am making reservations to go with a group of friends instead. I have no idea what will come of this and I am risking this breakup to be final, but making these plans for myself makes me feel better and my winter plans aren't ruined because he decides to all of a sudden leave. And if he wants back he will learn he will lose out if and when he leaves.

I am sorry Washisheart for what you are going through. It is tough and unbelievably painful. Stay strong and take care of you!

I have a couple 2013 goals to hopefully keep me motivated. I need to focus on me.

Washisheart-

Yes 2013 --has to be about YOU !

I too have set some goals to help me get through what I know is going to be a very difficult road ahead.

I know myself- that it is going to take time... .but staying on these boards is a must.

So many people here that are so kind and helpful!

Merry Christmas

We can ALL do this. :)

A

The crappy part is I don't WANT to do it. I want my uBPDexbf to love me. I want him to be normal

I know where you are coming from. All this hurts like hell. I also want my uBPDbf to be normal and love me the way I love him. For the longest time I was just not able to see and come to terms with this just being a part of him, not a good part but still not something he chose to be, or to have. He also wants to be "normal". And I hated the concept of radical acceptance. It made me feel claustrophobic that I just could not find a solution. So during the pull I would forget about BPD and almost relax and feel that we were a normal couple that just had some past trauma (albeit caused by his BPD) to work out together. But then some thing I could not foresee would make him flip and around we go again with the pushing me away, leaving me, distancing himself emotionally and/or physically, creating conflict.

We can make things easier by changing our own behavior and our own responses but we cannot cure them. My bf and I made so much progress, we were in T together and both of us changed. He was ready to accept responsibility and get help. But when there was a BPD setback I felt disillusioned. I was not prepared for that because I couldn't accept BPD to be a part of him. As I have got better I have realized that although I love him I have needs that he, at least for now, cannot meet. He just can't. I know none of this sounds reassuring or encouraging but the good part is that we can get better and then we do change, both how we relate and interact with our BPD partners and how we see ourselves, what we need, deserve, will and will not accept.

I have also realized that the only thing that will bring him back when he leaves is for me to leave him to himself and do my own thing. It was hard at first and none of that made me feel better but with time I started to heal although in the beginning I am sure my true intentions was to get him to come back because I had more or less exhausted all other options. So what I am trying to say is that shifting focus back to you will be beneficial whatever the outcome. And when he comes back you will be a lot better equipped to function in and deal with your r/s.

OMG, been there, done that. Yes, yes, and yes. And I *did* get normal- no, I did get super duper, amazing, leap-tall-buildings-in-a-single-bound, phenomenal, loving times... .followed by distance, coldness, aloofness, then hatred, then indifference.

We broke up maybe 20+ times. I may have broken up with him maybe 2-3 times, when I was beyond frustrated. Him? On a whim, or when we got into a disagreement, or when we were extremely close and he was scared of engulfment, or he got stressed, or whatever. I had no idea what would cause him to bail.

Honestly for years I googled his behavior, and BPD popped up a couple of times, but the first thing I saw was "fear of abandonment" and how clingy they get- I'm like, nope, not one bit.  Wish I would have read more.

(raises hand) oh yes he leaves(or kicks me out) i'm miserly a lurker but have been reading these boards on and off for almost 2 years, first on leaving next on staying but I think I belong here... .anyways her flipped on me a few Weeks ago cuz he doesn't want our11modd... .well he changed his mind a few days ago... without getting into the whole story, he's gone today, and has Gotten rid of me or left me most holidays and other times.He always ditches me and goes to the ex wife... .

     

     I asked him repeatedly in the past few Weeks if he wad going to be here Christmas morning, he said yes... .well here it is and he's gone, spent the night at the ex wifes& will blame it on his 6yo ds saying he wanted to stay with him.if he could have been honest I could have stayed with someone so me and my dd didn't have to wake chrismas morning alone, but here I am alone... .THIS SUCKS AND HE SUCKS!         im sorry for everyone who is going thru the same.

   I'm going to open presents with my daughter and goo do something for the day so I don't have to see his face when he comes home to shower, just so he can leave again cuz I can't watch it... .everyone try to have a wonderful day, merry chrismas

In my 10 year relationship mine has left me for 2-3 months at a time four times. I am going thru the 4th one right now... .says he can not trust me as I posted to a fellow teacher's facebook page. I am in horrible pain... .it is day 14... .I know it will be months till I will hear from me... .then it will be ... .he forgives me... .( for something I did not do) and I am so relieved I run back. It has been four years since the last time he left me. It is a slow torture and punsihment for me... .it is cruel. He jumps right on match when he is gone... .and I keep thinking he is out meeting all new women and will not come back... .so confused

It happened a month in.  Then it happened again three months later.  Then a month later.  Then, in the final months of our relationship, it happened once every 1-2 weeks.  Of course, she made sure to keep me around to watch her dogs while she went away, and then dumped me, and then brought be back a week later to watch her dogs again for another trip (she gave a card that said she loved me with all her heart and that I was the only person in the world she would trust with her dogs, and then didn't even have the courtesy to call and thank me), and then dumped me again for good.  She then proceeded to smear me to the dog rescue where she worked and I volunteered... .and I was then banned from the property by the director of the rescue.  Evidently, I was accused of domestic violence because that is what the email to me said when I was banned from going on rescue property.  A COMPLETE LIE. 

I tried to break NC this week.  No response.  I really miss her and how sad is it that some of them can just cut us off?  I know we can't understand their behavior, but it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  This is the worst time of my life... .I gave enormous love (in words and in action), support, affection, gifts... .hell I gave everything.  I have even read about 5 books on BPD and therapies (DBT and schema) trying to prepare for her if she came back.  She hasn't.  She took so many steps to destroy me and I just don't understand that.  Why?  The disorder, I know.  But sometimes it feels that it's not a good enough answer.  Disorder or no disorder, what they do is just so rotten.  I wonder if they even have a conscience, or do they just bury it in the trashcan of their psyche with the rest of their shame? 

  This is really hard to go through... .especially at the holidays.

Do you have a good support system like friends and family?  They can make all the difference in the world and pouring some of that love into those relationships, which often get neglected in relationships like these, can help.

Well, the thing about being in a BPD relationship... .is that most "normal" people don't understand what it's like to be in one.  The feelings, the push / pull, the lack of closure, the feelings of loss.  So no, I don't have a good support system.  My parents are from the "old school" where they really can't offer any insightful advice or good emotional support.  It's just not their generation (I think they're inclined to "quietly" deal with problems).

Friends don't understand either... .and they're hard to come by these days.  All of my friends are married with kids so their time is in short supply. 

I'm basically in this alone.  I have the boards, and I'm going to CoDA meetings.  But it feels like I have no one who really understands that's in person.  I know a lot of people out there feel this way. 

In any event, the pain is real and the pain is here to stay for a long while.  And all the while, I feel like I lost the person I was closest with in the world.  The future I hoped for is gone.  The physical affection is not here.  I sit on my couch and just lament.  It's the hardest time of my life.  No doubt about it. 

JP thats so sad, but it's exactly how I feel. We were a group of three couples that all hooked up around the same time. The other two are still together. Then there is me. they are my support system, so there is no way to shed the feeling of loss or awkwardness. I ask God all the time what did I do to deserve this & why am I not special enough to be loved? Why is it so easy for him to replace me & I no longer exist? It sucks to accept I have to start over with someone new to have a "normal"relationship. Just take the last four years of my life and throw them away & act like this man never meant anything to me. to tell my daughter her Daddy is no longer her Daddy, he will now become a complete stranger.

I'm sorry Wash.  I really am.  I completely empathize what you're going through except I didn't have a child with her (she would run whenever I brought up the idea of kids).  That must be so hard for you to handle all of this.  My heart goes out to you in this tough time.

I have tried so hard to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this.  I ask God that all the time.  Why me?  Why didn't she pick someone else?  Why did she suck me in and throw me away?  Why did she destroy the volunteer work that I valued, and why did she smear me to people who I cared about? 

I was in a mostly healthy place before this relationship.  I spent years in therapy before this relationship and I was a more positive, hopeful, confident, giving, and loving person.  By all accounts, I was pretty healthy.  Not perfect by any means, but pretty healthy.  Now my heart is just torn apart, and I don't want to rebuild again.  I'm so tired of relationships going no where. 

So whatever God's lesson is... .I can't figure it out.  I've prayed about it for months and there is no answer.  To give it my all--and a real, real amazing effort on my part--and to end up like this.  It's demoralizing.  I'm so discouraged with life and I'm lost about the answers.  If this is a test... .what's to be learned from insanity?  Not being with someone who has a disorder?  THAT'S the lesson?  I dunno... .I knew that beforehand.  But I didn't know about her BPD until the tail end of the relationship, so it's not like I could have figured it out.  The red flags were random in the beginning and I chalked that up to a tough time.  We give people the benefit of the doubt.  But after I fell in love, she revealed her dark side.  And what a dark side it is. 

Before I met mine I was in a healthy emotional & financial state. I have noone else to blame but myself for digging a deep hole, but I did it. I have NEVER given so much of myself to someone before & I can imagine I never will again. Granted, it was absolutely amazing living with my best friend who was also my"future husband" while he still valued me. But once they leave the first time, you never hold the same weight in their eyes. You will always be a temporary solution to an immediate problem. Accepting that is the worst. You want to believe they love you. But the sad truth is the people before you went through this & the people behind you will to. Everyone gets the same treatment and promises just tweaked a little to suit the current nessa

*needs.

and everyone is giving me the "just get over it already" speech. They are so over him & over me missing him it's crazy. I am now a bad mother because I repeatedly took him back. I am setting a poor example for my daughter.   The things they are saying. So now I try to hold it all in & act like the situation doesn't faze me.

Hi Washisheart and JP,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It so painful and it really is like having your heart torn out. And people who haven't been in a r/s with a pwBPD can't understand what it is like and what it does to you. Reading what you have written is like reading my own thoughts. I have spent hours upon hours asking what the purpose was, what am I to learn and why. How could he not be sure  and reject me when he said he had never felt the way he felt with me before? What did I do to deserve this unbearable pain, because for so long the pain was so excruciating I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I would have down anything to be somebody other than myself. All I could do was to sit and let the pain own me, and tear me apart.

I also gave this all I had. I invested every inch of my being in this r/s. And I asked myself why I didn't deserve to be loved. It felt like a mockery almost. And I had no friends that could offer any help because they could not understand what it was like to be in a r/s such as mine. They just weren't able to understand why I just couldn't leave him, get over him, get on with my life. I also had some years of T before meeting him and I was healthy, had healthy boundaries and was able to enforce them. But nothing could have prepared me for this kind of dysfunctional r/s dynamic. I had no defense.

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. It does get better, I have got better but I am still in pain, just bearable this time. I expect though that I will never be back where I was and that's good. I don't know if that is encouraging but I am now sure that there will be something else after this. I am not through completely but I will get there. He left me again albeit this time letting me know beforehand he was going away for Xmas and didn't wan't me with him. So he does it better than he used to, but I am no longer sure I want that kind of r/s. I am accepting that this is his best but I just don't think it is good enough for me. To be abandoned always hurts. He is going to keep doing it and I don't want to hurt anymore.

I wish you all the best 

Thats the worst part when you finally come to terms with the diagnosis. It will ALWAYS be this way. There is no chance of him EVER falling in love & being loyal to me.

I know I deserve better than this. And I WANT better than this, I just want it with him.

Hi washisheart... .i completely understand how u feel... .i want all those things with mine and I get them but only for about 3mo at a time.now its like that for our11modd too... .he wants her then he doesn't... .i need to get away and I feel better when iam.He stayed at his ex for Christmas so I left and did my own thing and he text me when he stopped home for a shower asking where our daughter was ,i didn't respond,i couldn't let him ruin our Christmas even more.i stayed the night at my BIL and I'll goo home and get ready and were gonna stay at my friends tonight and have Christmas with them (i pray he's not home when I get there)I just need a few days away.I can't bring myself to look at him and nothing nice will come out of my mouth, knowing where he's been... i hate that I have to pretend idk what's going onand that he doesn't care how I feel... .it rips me apart

    His parents finally have been reading up on things and they understand now so I have their support... .but still ouch again... .this is like the 6 our 7th time in almost 4 years that he's left or kicked me out... i should be used to it by now,what the heck what an awful thing to have to get used to!

I know I deserve better than this. And I WANT better than this, I just want it with him.



EXACTLY how I feel... . 

Hi there,

I can really hear the pain in your words and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  It sucks, big time!  I my uBPDh has left for the night, three nights the most, more times than I can count.  The first time was incredibly painful as it came out of the blue and our 18 month old son had just spent three days in the hospital.  The three night one was probably the worst though, but I had resolved that he left and that was that.  I spent those three days in a fog just trying to take care of our three kids.  So in response to your question, this is what they do and they do it really, really well.

Healing, or at least the pain decreased when I learned it was not me, I wasn't the whole problem, I wasn't worthless like he wanted me to believe.  It was him, and his BPD that was the problem. 

I don't know where you are emotionally right now, but you do have the choice to move on from this pain and madness.  I always feel the worst when I feel I have no choice because he has left me with none.  But when I remember that I do have a choice it helps me immensely.  I haven't left my husband yet, or decided to finally call it quits, but it makes me smile just knowing that I can and will be okay, probably better off, when I do. 

I don't know if that helps you or not, but just remember you are not alone.  There are all kinds of people dealing with just this same thing.  And you are good enough, he just is too messed up to see it! :)

He sees it, just when he wants to... .

I can't even tell you guys how many days of work.i missed this year since June due to severe depression. It's a mess, I just get to the point where I don't want to be bothered with life. I think a lot of it has to do with losing my Dad in February & while my father was ill & on life support he was the ONLY one there for me. My family ousted me & my friends never called to check on me or atleast hang out to keep me busy. I mean he was amazing. Then soon after my father passed, he must have figured I don't need him anymore because there goes the attitude change & now he doesn't care. So I lost the two most important men in my life within a few months of each other.

At this point, I am leaning more torwards calling it quits, I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Yes, short and simple... .  My wife has left me for the 3rd time. It is heartbreaking. My brother told me after the second split, she had baggage and issues and no amount of sacrifice would make a difference. I stopped talking with him for over a year when he said this. I am saddened that I did this since she left me a third time in November. I called my brother yesterday and told him about this. I apologized for being radio silent and told him I wished I would have listened to him last year. Maybe my heart ache wouldn't be as bad. I had a lot of tools when she left the second time, and I reached out to a lot of people. I was pretty healthy and I was getting back to a normal life, for a while, maybe a month, she was not a part of my life, but then we came back together, her conditions were we going to spend a year apart! I never believed that. I always thought we would get back sooner. Staying apart a year had no meaning to me. I didn't know what was going to happen while we were supposed to be apart. There was never a plan.

Now, she is completely NC with me going on 2 months. I have had enough of this pain and fear rushing through my body on a minute by minute basis and I cannot keep holding on. My story is very convoluted and if I told you the whole thing, you'd want to blow your brains out. And I know, you would tell me to run and make sure I LET the barn door hit her in the @ss as on the way out!

Anyway, the short answer is yes. And that is why I know without a doubt my wife is has an upBPD Disorder and no amount of any further self sacrificing or work on my end will do a thing or help in any way. It's up to her at this point. Not me, and history says, her baggage at age 43 she walked around with before she met me will not be shed any time soon.

I wish you well.

I hate how my BPDgf would get so angry about nothing. She would pick fights for no apparent reason. And she would leave me all the time also. I really did feel I was walking on eggshells for years. Wondering what mood she would be in this day or what mood she would change into.

:)    :'( 

Ace, in a year you could be healed & already filed for divorce. She might be doing you a favor.

That's how I am trying to look at it. As him giving me time to move on

It's so strange how they can be there for you in SUCH a strong, supportive way and then turn it off completely in the blink of an eye... .  

Washisheart, my father passed away 2.5 weeks ago... .    for part of the last month of really bad illness for my dad, my BPDbf was incredibly supportive and loving, and then the last few days, he pulled away completely and acted like I was completely unreasonable for asking him to come sit with me at my dad's bedside when hospice said it was the end... .    I was abandoned as my BPDdbf went on a date... .    and I sat with my dad as he was dying... .  

I've never known I could feel such intense pain... .  and I'm no spring chicken... .  

I know this man, who seems to be back and supportive and loving again... .  will leave me over and over and over and over... .  until I stop it... .     

It was excruciating. I lost the two most important men in my life at same time. I still needed him & he had this crazy notion that once my dad passed the pain would go away & I should be ok

Me too... .    experienced the loss of the two most significant men in my life two weeks ago... .  still experiencing it... .    brutal beyond belief. 

Hi All!

Was and Take2---I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how hard it is to accept loss, and to get on with each day when you are in pain. Please know that you are in my prayers while you grieve and find your way to peace and acceptance!

I lost my mentor recently, and although my pwBPD was supportive, it was only for a few days. He too, as some of you have shared, thought I would get over it in no time. It isn't even brought up anymore, as if it never happened. At first, I thought it odd, I really expected him to be able to support me, and now I know, he can't. I don't torture myself with asking why, I just accept it and look to my friends and family to support me when I need it. There are people out there who can validate our feelings and emotions, even when the one who should be able to can't. Without Radical Acceptance, I could never have swallowed this, because it is hard, it stinks and it is not fair. Yep, I still think all of that, however, I do not dwell on it, I use it as a tool to stay focused on my goals and a measuring stick for what I want for my future!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Yes, thanks... I am actually going to file for divorce in May. May 8th will be a year since she texted me and said she wanted a separation for a year. I was on my way to an Al-Anon meeting. I went to Al-Anon on her insistance. I have no alcohol in my background, but I did it out of keeping harmony in my life. Little did it help. And from June till November, we were working on our relationship. We actually started searching for a house to buy together and move in to. We found one, did the paperwork, we were waiting on a reply, and 2 days after doing the paperwork, she kicked me out of her life. It was brutal. Made no sense. And now, nearly 2 months out, she has insisted I am udBPD and I need massive trauma therapy. It's all about projecting. But it hurts nonetheless.

So, May will not get here fast enough for me. I am hoping a divorce will end this craziness and help me heal. Being in this limbo of separation is killing me. There just isn't any closure.

Washisheart,

I've skimmed your posts - I see a lot about what he is doing and seeking comparisons with other members situations but not much about what you are doing for you.  Yes, you may have dug a hole, but you do still rember what it was like to be above ground - and that's a good thing. 

It's hard being with a person with BPD and it's easy to stop looking after yourself.

Has anyone pointed you to some of the advice about changing that situation?  If they have, I can't tell by your posts that you've given it a try.  Let me know what you think about the following - it just seems to me that you need to focus less on him and more on you. 

What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

I am working two jobs to try to get my finances order. Going to start back at the gym. I am working very hard to train my mind to maintain optimism & accept I don't need him I stopped giving in to his every whim & demand, I laid out my own wants & expectations. I am bound & determined to make 2013 my year, with or without him. I found me again, I remembered I love me! I am an awesome person, fun, funny, motivated. For a long time I stopped acting like myself for fear he would judge me, now I don't care. I haven't been biting my tongue or hiding my feelings. I am tired of not existing or being important. So far, he has adjusted well to my change in attitude. Hopefully it will remain that way, if not, well I wasn't put on this earth to please him. I told him I will be there with him through therapy, but not if it comes at the price of sacrificing myself. I am done with that.

Working the two jobs is apparently necessary because of the financial demands he placed on you - so thats not really the "taking care of yourself" I was thinking about - as necessary as it is.  

"Going to the gym" is, but only if you do it.  Given you have two jobs and a daughter that might be hard to do.  

I noted that your exbf is the "only father your daughter has known". As such, is she still seeing him?   How, how often, when, and where does that take place?

Wow I am so glad I found this sight a few days ago. My ex did this ALL THE TIME! It used to devastate me and put me in a place I could literally barely function at work or at home. When he moved some of his things in with me (didn't last long), he literally moved his stuff in and out three times in two weeks. I used to think it was drugs but now I realize this is his personality disorder. He has left me out at bars when we've gone out, shut me out, blocked me, etc. Basically the same thing you are all explaining.

Wow reading some of these, I feel I could have written them myself.  My exbfBPD left me from 6 weeks into our 2 1/2 year relationship.  He did it every time things weren't going the way he wanted them to.  We split for a few weeks in July and I promised I'd change everything I was doing wrong (being a non I clearly didn't ask him to change anything, as there was nothing too drastic wrong in my eyes.  The changes he requested were pretty much petty, but I went along with it (after the begging, pleading, crying etc. just like all of you) - an example of a change was how I left a plug upside down on the bedroom floor of my apartment and this was one of the things that annoyed him.  Anyway, I tried.  3 months later he started again, this time definitely over a nothing and walked out.  As he left he told me I could be the perfect girlfriend if I'd just learn to listen (this was one of my faults that I hadn't heard before).  You're all right.  In the eyes of someone with BPD, there will ALWAYS be something else once you've corrected the other stuff.  There really wasn't very much wrong with us.  In fact, we were close on perfect. 

I can imagine how hurt you're feeling.  I still my hurt too.  It's so very painful.  It does get easier though.  Take it from someone who hit the lowest low I've ever hit over Christmas. 

As Iliana said, you're a good person and you really do know how to love unconditionally being a non.  Take that with you and let it help you become strong again.  Remember you before your BPD, that's what your aim should be.  You'll get there in the end.  This site will help you. It has me.  That amongst friends, family and learning to know that I'm loved.

Do you know my exbfBPD told someone when we split up that he'd never felt so unloved and worthless in his whole life.  Absolute rubbish.  I'd done everything for him.  He'd lived in my house practically for 2 years because I didn't want him sleeping on his brother's sofa, despite me liking my own space and feeling that I wasn't getting that, plus lots of other things I did actually do for him and NOT me.  Since our split my exbf of 9 years who I split from 4 years ago got in touch and we've been chatting.  He told me that he can promise me he knows that I'm someone who loves from the heart and it's not something everybody is blessed with.  He went on to say that he's never felt as loved as he did when he was with me and knows he never will.  Remember us nons give unconditional love and that really is a beautiful thing. 

The walking out hurts so much.  I don't think they can help it though.  It's a lack of courage I suppose at dealing with the situation at hand.

 Funny, me and my exuBPD gf never really fought for any extended period of time, it was just always me mentioning something i wasnt happy about (usually her hot/cold behavior, or some off the wall hurtful remark shed make after a period of apparent true happiness between us)and her acting like she just found out i had cheated or did something horrible, then a breakup the next day saying she hates me, never loved me ect.

Keep wanting to take all the blame myself but then i keep coming back to the idealization/devaluation thing. I just feel like somehow maybe i could of avoided triggering it. First breakup was 3 weeks after she proposed to me, second was for practically no reason that i could see, and the third was 3 days after she said i was the love of her life and asked me to get her pregnant.

I never imagined someone could switch gears this way till i discovered BPD after this last breakup. Wondering if shes gonna ever be back... .  

He watches her when I am at work. Last night, he took her on the town & then ou out for wings. She is happy as can be.

I worry that due to BPD he can't love  her like deep rooted parental love because he is too busy resenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. I just wonder what will happen in the future a he once planed on adopting her before he knew he had fertility issues

Feeling not good enough is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. I am not saying leave; just that feeling not good about yourself will get you very stuck no matter who your partner is. What would you do if you DID feel good about yourself? Treat yourself in a loving way and work with a therapist.

So you and your daughter pretty well have daily contact with him?  :)o you have any options (or interest) in changing that?  

If he is indeed your ex, then it is probably time to look for childcare elsewhere - and deal with the impacts on your daughter sooner rather than later.  As you say, you are worried he can't love her in a deep rooted way as a parent anyway.

If you are secretly hoping for reconciliation, you need to get yourself out of the position of dependency regarding the childcare first, so the reconciliation can be about you and him without having care of the child running interference.  

But before you can work on your relationship - whether leaving or "staying", you need to work on taking better care of yourself.  If you haven't managed to find the time to get to the gym, what else can you do?  

I do feel good about myself... .  now.

I lost myself to a deep depression between my father's death, problems at work, the way my family treated me (i was the  ONLY one who accepted my father was dying so they no less than called me a murderer), my friends disappeared because they "didn't know what to say", then there was M... .  Basically it felt like I was completely alone & my world was falling apart around me.

But I did alot of thinking, alot of forgiving (life is too short, although the relationships aren't the same the burden is no longer mine), I put in for a transfer at work. And I started to see the clouds lift. 2012 was a hard hard year. I actually reached so low I resented my daughter because I wanted to die but I couldn't leave her (omg the guilt I feel about that). I always knew my fathers death would hit me HARD, I still rename the exact moment it hit me that he wasn't superman- and I was grown and had my own place! I just never realized the rest of my life would be shot to hell around it.

His leaving that last time was a blessing (although I would NEVER tell him that... .  ).  I needed that time alone to realize HELLO, I needed to get my life back! To get me back. I remembered the person I was before having a BPDso, I set myself goals and I got my head out of the fog surrounding the loss of my dad.

I feel soo much better now. uBPDbf is back. he is trying. We talk alot, and he is trying. He recognizes the feelings that come over him, as well as the fact they aren't right & are only temporary. He works on ways to divert his attention, his attitude has changed & he actually thinks before he talks. I save become more assertive, more demanding, not to an overwhelming point but enough to make  myself heard. Do I have this unrealistic fantasy that things will be perfect & we will like happily ever after? No. But what I see is a man that is FINALLY showing me he cares enough to realize he has a problem and make the conscientious effort to work on his own faults, and as we all know here is not easy for a pwBPD.  I did tell him should he leave again, that will be the last time, only this time it wasn't made as a threat to scare him into strying, it was a warning made by someone who finally realized life will still be ok if he isn't my bf.

It's a shame that life has to drag you through the pitfires of hell to get you back to the point where you recognize your blessings, but I am finally there

Good for you!    |iiii