Does anyone else's BPD partner keep leaving them?

[Washisheart]

Or am I the only one?  I feel like an outsider amongst my friends because no matter how bad things get in their home, their man or woman atleast stays by their side. Everyone feels pity for me & angry at him  for being a jerk. and honestly I feel so humiliated I want to hide from the world anyway. I just wonder why I am not worth it. Why am I not worth sticking to? I gave him all I had & I am not.good enough.

[mssomebodynice]

Yes.  Of course.  This is what they do best.  You will never be good enough for these people.  Ever.  No matter what.  Understand that you will never be good enough.  They will find fault where there is none.  It isn't you.  We all feel like this.  It is just so aweful.  I am so sorry they have made you feel imperfect.  I completely get it. 

[Washisheart]

Is yours gone right now too?

[Take2]

Mine is... .he's done it to me so many times and so cruelly its humiliating, unbelievable, etc.

Mostly because I still love him so much and want him so badly still... .

[mssomebodynice]

We had a great time two days ago.  I mean the best.  That is how I knew what would come next.  The was the pull and so now comes the push.  I got the push last night in a text.  In a form of control.  He said that he would be busy now through Jan 4th.  After the 4th, we will get together and then he dangled several fun activities we might do.  Two days ago was our year aniversary of getting together.  I didn't even know that.  He told me the day I saw him.  So in his attempt to control he wished me a Merry Christmas and a HNY... .  until the 4th?  I didn't respond.  I have said nothing and I hope that I will never respond again.  I want to be that strong.  I don't know if I can, but I can try everyday?  It is hurtful.  So hurtful. 

[Validation78]

Hey All!

Ah yes, leaving, or as I chose to think of it, running away! mssomebodynice is correct, it is a form of control. When things are feeling out of control for pwBPD, they seek to bring it back under their control. Before I understood this, I fell for the manipulation every time, hook, line and sinker. I cried, I begged, pleaded, don't go, come back etc., etc. Now, I let my pwBPD go. I don't react in any way. I work to stay in Wise Mind before, during and after. In the absence, whether minutes, hours, or days, I carry on as usual. I sleep, eat, work, play, whatever it is that I would have done if he hadn't left. Oh, don't get me wrong, it isn't easy, at first. It does get easier though, and here's the icing on the cake, sometimes, the pwBPD stops (or does less frequently). Why? Because, in my case, he is not getting the payoff he got before. That's been the key for me. Showing him that he can control what he does, and so can I, and I don't play into his hand anymore! As I like to say, we teach people how to treat us!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Washisheart]

Mine goes for months though.

But yes when he does it is ubelievably cruel.the things he says omg.he actually moves on with another, they end it, he comes back. Its like he meets someone infactuating & wants to play house then come back to boring ole dull me when he hates her. The sad part is we have so much fun & get along great when I am on his good side

[mssomebodynice]

Washisheart,

We all do (get along great that is) when they want to.  They are masters in being the most loveable person ever.  We had an amazing few hours the other day.  He smiled constantly.  So did I.  This time though, I knew it wouldn't last.  In fact, because it was so perfect I knew he would push me away.  My BPD will not tell me that he loves me.  I think it has been years since he has said that to anyone.  Can these people really love?  I am not so sure about that?  I know this much, it is not a normal love.  Not like what you and I feel.  I know he misses me like crazy at times and will not allow himself to even call me.  They are really in a Hell like we will never know.  At the same time, because of their imature elavated sense of self, they believe they deserve happiness all the time, so I am sure he contacts other women to feed his narcissistic self.  My BPD is over weight and so makes sure he chooses long distance relationsips or in otherwords people who cannot see him.  He sends old photos of himself during these conversations.  It is all very sick.  I am very sick, as long as I take his unacceptable behavior towards me for the little bit of bliss that I get.  I can only work on me.  I am, one day at a time.  Baby steps... .

[ts919]

This is one of my uBPDw's favorite cards to play - you're not alone Washisheart!  Listen to what Val has to say... .tons of good advice from that one

My wife likes to "leave" and most of the time it's just a drawn out scenario with her going out to the car to start it, coming back in to pack some stuff, loading the car, coming back in because she forgot something, back out to the car, sits in it talking on the phone, back in the house... .

I used to get really worked up - begging her to just come back inside, pleading with her to calm down, etc.  Now, I'll be honest, I don't give a crap; in fact, I kind of like it when she actually leaves for a night.  Instead of being upset and worried the whole time, I just look at the flipside - I can do what I want, there is 0 stress, and my life is peaceful for however long she is gone (she's never done anything long term yet - 2 days tops at this point).  

I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone!  You ARE NOT THE REASON he keeps leaving  It's a control mechanism and it's emotional abuse.

[iliana]

My exBPDbf (undiagnosed, not sure where to put the "u" yet), moved in and out of my house more times than I can remember when he lived with me for a year.  It was always abrupt, off the handle, for seemingly no reason, and he would scream and yell at me the entire time.  The more I tried to calm him down and say "let's talk" the more angry and cruel he would become.  The most traumatic part was that I never knew if it was "final" because he would not speak to me after he left abruptly, slamming doors, leaving things a mess in his wake, etc. He'd block my phone number so I couldn't text or call, and wouldn't return emails.  Having abandonment issues of my own from childhood, I did not know how to cope with this.  It was the most painful experience for me... .and then it started to happen over, and over, and over and over again, and each time, it got worse.  It got to the point where he never kept anything in closets or drawers so his things were whittled down to what he could pack up and grab quickly and move out (in 10 minutes) and drive away. I didn't realize that until later. He would sometimes play the game of coming back for something, as if he had "forgotten" it, or would accuse me of hiding some thing he was looking for as a reason to come back (that I would later find in his truck).  I knew it was somehow related to control, but I couldn't understand it fully, calmly, or rationally enough myself to take an attitude of "do whatever you want!"  I felt it was cruel, unjust, unfair, immature, unkind, disrespectful, and all of the other normal things that normal adults feel when another adult acts childish.  Sometimes, he'd come back the very next day and act like nothing happened.  Sometimes, it would be weeks with no contact. 

How did I get through these things?  First, I had panic attacks.  I would call, text, try to reach him frantically.  When it dawned on me that he was not going to respond, I started to drink, heavily, and bascially tried to self-medicate so I could go to sleep because I was so upset. Sometimes I'd even drive to his parents after being hysterical and drinking, hoping he'd come out to talk to me.  It pushed me to such points of desperation I've never known. I am not blaming him for my behavior or choices, but I would suggest finding healthy ways to cope, be it leaving the relationship for good, or getting a good therapist, or relying on a support system (none of which I had). Ultimately, for me, the unrest and upheval that it caused me personally, physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, in terms of health and alcoholism was not worth the "happy" times.   I've been trying to deal and get over all of these things for almost 3 years now, and I only dated this person for one.           

[iliana]

Sorry, I wanted to add one more thing.  I'm new to this forum, and am stupid for not having joined sooner, so I am excited to finally talk about things that I couldn't with family or even best friends because I hid so much from people. 

My ex also once said I "couldn't tame him" which is why he ultimately left me.  He would also say "you're supposed to be smarter than me."  These things bothered me because I felt like a failure.  But by that, he meant:  have no reaction.  If you are interested in staying with this person, that's what you'll be expected to do:  have no reaction to anything he does, or in other words, allow or "tame" their behavior.  You will end up dealing with all of the internal turmoil so that they ultimately never have to change.  If you are okay with letting him leave and come back whenever he wants to, with no consequence, then maybe it will work out.  Most people I know want solid, healthy relationships that don't involve dealing with this kind of stuff. In other words, you shouldn't have to change basic and normal relationship behaviors to accommodate their abnormal behaviors.  Hope this helps. 

[iliana]

Or am I the only one?  I feel like an outsider amongst my friends because no matter how bad things get in their home, their man or woman atleast stays by their side. Everyone feels pity for me & angry at him  for being a jerk. and honestly I feel so humiliated I want to hide from the world anyway. I just wonder why I am not worth it. Why am I not worth sticking to? I gave him all I had & I am not.good enough.

ONE more thing!   You ARE worth it.  You are good enough.  You always have been.  Before you met this person, you were worth it & you knew it.  You were good enough & you knew it.  So, let yourself be worth it, let yourself be good enough. And let yourself be single, if that's what that means right now. Because sometimes being WORTH IT and GOOD ENOUGH means BEING ALONE. Stick to yourself!  You are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful, and you are alive, because you have FEELINGS and you know what they are. Honor them. Honor yourself. 

[iliana]

I'm sorry guys! I'm so happy to be able to say how I feel.  I wish no one would feel humiliated for talking about this. Honestly!  That's how you get trapped! 

Feeling like hiding because you're embarrassed about how another person treats you!  That's Red Flag #1, dump them!

No, seriously.  If it was that obvious, we wouldn't be here, would we. 

Flag #2 is that we are hurt.  We are embarrassed because we want to love and be loved.  It's almost like we're putting on a show to support the BPD when no one asked for it, right? We put faith in BPDs.  We want them to come through.  We want them to do the thing we know somehow, somewhere in our hearts that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO.  We want to be able to tell others all the good things about them (and there are good things) after they do something really cruel, like ditch us for a holiday, ignore us on our birthday, move out for weeks at a time.  You can't explain that to most people.  You can't explain that those very serious "hurts" somehow are worth the good times.  The question, is... .

Flag #3  Are they worth it?  There's likely something going on within each one of us who tolerates a relationship with a BPD.  Are we depressed?  Feeling insecure?  Are we getting addicted to the high's and low's of being on a pedestal and then knocked off?  Are we lonely?  Not attractive?  Not smart?  Hopeless?  What is it?  None of us, in our heart of hearts, would probably imagine a relationship to be this way.  So why is it good enough for us?  Really? And that's the hard part. At least it was for me. It was easier for me to focus on how good and bad that relationship made me feel instead of how I felt, deep down.  And that's stuff that can change.  The BPD, I'm not sure about.  Unless they make a real, serious, invested effort... .and I'd rather put that kind of energy into myself, because I know I can and furthermore, WILL.

[mitti]

Hi Washisheart,

No, you are definitely not alone. My pwBPD (my bf or possibly ex since a week ago) used to do this regularly and actually still does. The first 2,5 years of our 4 years together he would either simply break up, leave and go NC for anything lasting for a day up to once 7 months. This last year, since getting back together after the 7-month-break, he insists he is not breaking up, but he will still leave as in not deal with us, not participate, not contact me and keep his responding to whatever contacting I might do to a minimum. It is so painful. In the beginning I was bewildered and in total shock as to how anybody could react the way he did, and I never knew why really, the most minute things could send him over the edge. I used to beg and plead but nowadays I do the opposite. I walk the other way and do my own thing, mostly because I need to feel better, to take care of myself, but also to show him I am not waiting for him anymore. If he wants to be with me he needs to stick around. And like others have written here, it is a control thing, so I make sure he knows he cannot control me.

This Xmas he declared he wouldn't spend with me. I was upset, of course, and I feel abandoned and rejected. But when I got an invitation to go see some friends overseas I went. He has told me he was a little upset he wasn't invited, but he was invited, it was just that as he had decided to "leave" I just didn't include him. We have planned a few trips together this winter. I am sure he expects that as he left me over Xmas these trips are still on the agenda. But just today I am making reservations to go with a group of friends instead. I have no idea what will come of this and I am risking this breakup to be final, but making these plans for myself makes me feel better and my winter plans aren't ruined because he decides to all of a sudden leave. And if he wants back he will learn he will lose out if and when he leaves.

I am sorry Washisheart for what you are going through. It is tough and unbelievably painful. Stay strong and take care of you!

[Washisheart]

I have a couple 2013 goals to hopefully keep me motivated. I need to focus on me.

[Cimbaruns]

Washisheart-

Yes 2013 --has to be about YOU !

I too have set some goals to help me get through what I know is going to be a very difficult road ahead.

I know myself- that it is going to take time... .but staying on these boards is a must.

So many people here that are so kind and helpful!

Merry Christmas

We can ALL do this.

A

[Washisheart]

The crappy part is I don't WANT to do it. I want my uBPDexbf to love me. I want him to be normal

[mitti]

The crappy part is I don't WANT to do it. I want my uBPDexbf to love me. I want him to be normal

I know where you are coming from. All this hurts like hell. I also want my uBPDbf to be normal and love me the way I love him. For the longest time I was just not able to see and come to terms with this just being a part of him, not a good part but still not something he chose to be, or to have. He also wants to be "normal". And I hated the concept of radical acceptance. It made me feel claustrophobic that I just could not find a solution. So during the pull I would forget about BPD and almost relax and feel that we were a normal couple that just had some past trauma (albeit caused by his BPD) to work out together. But then some thing I could not foresee would make him flip and around we go again with the pushing me away, leaving me, distancing himself emotionally and/or physically, creating conflict.

We can make things easier by changing our own behavior and our own responses but we cannot cure them. My bf and I made so much progress, we were in T together and both of us changed. He was ready to accept responsibility and get help. But when there was a BPD setback I felt disillusioned. I was not prepared for that because I couldn't accept BPD to be a part of him. As I have got better I have realized that although I love him I have needs that he, at least for now, cannot meet. He just can't. I know none of this sounds reassuring or encouraging but the good part is that we can get better and then we do change, both how we relate and interact with our BPD partners and how we see ourselves, what we need, deserve, will and will not accept.

I have also realized that the only thing that will bring him back when he leaves is for me to leave him to himself and do my own thing. It was hard at first and none of that made me feel better but with time I started to heal although in the beginning I am sure my true intentions was to get him to come back because I had more or less exhausted all other options. So what I am trying to say is that shifting focus back to you will be beneficial whatever the outcome. And when he comes back you will be a lot better equipped to function in and deal with your r/s.

[BlushAndBashful]

The crappy part is I don't WANT to do it. I want my uBPDexbf to love me. I want him to be normal

OMG, been there, done that. Yes, yes, and yes. And I *did* get normal- no, I did get super duper, amazing, leap-tall-buildings-in-a-single-bound, phenomenal, loving times... .followed by distance, coldness, aloofness, then hatred, then indifference.

We broke up maybe 20+ times. I may have broken up with him maybe 2-3 times, when I was beyond frustrated. Him? On a whim, or when we got into a disagreement, or when we were extremely close and he was scared of engulfment, or he got stressed, or whatever. I had no idea what would cause him to bail.

Honestly for years I googled his behavior, and BPD popped up a couple of times, but the first thing I saw was "fear of abandonment" and how clingy they get- I'm like, nope, not one bit.  Wish I would have read more.

[mccarthyhome3]

(raises hand) oh yes he leaves(or kicks me out) i'm miserly a lurker but have been reading these boards on and off for almost 2 years, first on leaving next on staying but I think I belong here... .anyways her flipped on me a few Weeks ago cuz he doesn't want our11modd... .well he changed his mind a few days ago... without getting into the whole story, he's gone today, and has Gotten rid of me or left me most holidays and other times.He always ditches me and goes to the ex wife... .

     

     I asked him repeatedly in the past few Weeks if he wad going to be here Christmas morning, he said yes... .well here it is and he's gone, spent the night at the ex wifes& will blame it on his 6yo ds saying he wanted to stay with him.if he could have been honest I could have stayed with someone so me and my dd didn't have to wake chrismas morning alone, but here I am alone... .THIS SUCKS AND HE SUCKS!         im sorry for everyone who is going thru the same.

   I'm going to open presents with my daughter and goo do something for the day so I don't have to see his face when he comes home to shower, just so he can leave again cuz I can't watch it... .everyone try to have a wonderful day, merry chrismas

[jhr1131]

In my 10 year relationship mine has left me for 2-3 months at a time four times. I am going thru the 4th one right now... .says he can not trust me as I posted to a fellow teacher's facebook page. I am in horrible pain... .it is day 14... .I know it will be months till I will hear from me... .then it will be ... .he forgives me... .( for something I did not do) and I am so relieved I run back. It has been four years since the last time he left me. It is a slow torture and punsihment for me... .it is cruel. He jumps right on match when he is gone... .and I keep thinking he is out meeting all new women and will not come back... .so confused

[jp254958]

It happened a month in.  Then it happened again three months later.  Then a month later.  Then, in the final months of our relationship, it happened once every 1-2 weeks.  Of course, she made sure to keep me around to watch her dogs while she went away, and then dumped me, and then brought be back a week later to watch her dogs again for another trip (she gave a card that said she loved me with all her heart and that I was the only person in the world she would trust with her dogs, and then didn't even have the courtesy to call and thank me), and then dumped me again for good.  She then proceeded to smear me to the dog rescue where she worked and I volunteered... .and I was then banned from the property by the director of the rescue.  Evidently, I was accused of domestic violence because that is what the email to me said when I was banned from going on rescue property.  A COMPLETE LIE. 

I tried to break NC this week.  No response.  I really miss her and how sad is it that some of them can just cut us off?  I know we can't understand their behavior, but it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  This is the worst time of my life... .I gave enormous love (in words and in action), support, affection, gifts... .hell I gave everything.  I have even read about 5 books on BPD and therapies (DBT and schema) trying to prepare for her if she came back.  She hasn't.  She took so many steps to destroy me and I just don't understand that.  Why?  The disorder, I know.  But sometimes it feels that it's not a good enough answer.  Disorder or no disorder, what they do is just so rotten.  I wonder if they even have a conscience, or do they just bury it in the trashcan of their psyche with the rest of their shame? 

[GreenMango]

  This is really hard to go through... .especially at the holidays.

Do you have a good support system like friends and family?  They can make all the difference in the world and pouring some of that love into those relationships, which often get neglected in relationships like these, can help.

[jp254958]

Well, the thing about being in a BPD relationship... .is that most "normal" people don't understand what it's like to be in one.  The feelings, the push / pull, the lack of closure, the feelings of loss.  So no, I don't have a good support system.  My parents are from the "old school" where they really can't offer any insightful advice or good emotional support.  It's just not their generation (I think they're inclined to "quietly" deal with problems).

Friends don't understand either... .and they're hard to come by these days.  All of my friends are married with kids so their time is in short supply. 

I'm basically in this alone.  I have the boards, and I'm going to CoDA meetings.  But it feels like I have no one who really understands that's in person.  I know a lot of people out there feel this way. 

In any event, the pain is real and the pain is here to stay for a long while.  And all the while, I feel like I lost the person I was closest with in the world.  The future I hoped for is gone.  The physical affection is not here.  I sit on my couch and just lament.  It's the hardest time of my life.  No doubt about it. 

[Washisheart]

JP thats so sad, but it's exactly how I feel. We were a group of three couples that all hooked up around the same time. The other two are still together. Then there is me. they are my support system, so there is no way to shed the feeling of loss or awkwardness. I ask God all the time what did I do to deserve this & why am I not special enough to be loved? Why is it so easy for him to replace me & I no longer exist? It sucks to accept I have to start over with someone new to have a "normal"relationship. Just take the last four years of my life and throw them away & act like this man never meant anything to me. to tell my daughter her Daddy is no longer her Daddy, he will now become a complete stranger.

[jp254958]

I'm sorry Wash.  I really am.  I completely empathize what you're going through except I didn't have a child with her (she would run whenever I brought up the idea of kids).  That must be so hard for you to handle all of this.  My heart goes out to you in this tough time.

I have tried so hard to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this.  I ask God that all the time.  Why me?  Why didn't she pick someone else?  Why did she suck me in and throw me away?  Why did she destroy the volunteer work that I valued, and why did she smear me to people who I cared about? 

I was in a mostly healthy place before this relationship.  I spent years in therapy before this relationship and I was a more positive, hopeful, confident, giving, and loving person.  By all accounts, I was pretty healthy.  Not perfect by any means, but pretty healthy.  Now my heart is just torn apart, and I don't want to rebuild again.  I'm so tired of relationships going no where. 

So whatever God's lesson is... .I can't figure it out.  I've prayed about it for months and there is no answer.  To give it my all--and a real, real amazing effort on my part--and to end up like this.  It's demoralizing.  I'm so discouraged with life and I'm lost about the answers.  If this is a test... .what's to be learned from insanity?  Not being with someone who has a disorder?  THAT'S the lesson?  I dunno... .I knew that beforehand.  But I didn't know about her BPD until the tail end of the relationship, so it's not like I could have figured it out.  The red flags were random in the beginning and I chalked that up to a tough time.  We give people the benefit of the doubt.  But after I fell in love, she revealed her dark side.  And what a dark side it is. 

[Washisheart]

Before I met mine I was in a healthy emotional & financial state. I have noone else to blame but myself for digging a deep hole, but I did it. I have NEVER given so much of myself to someone before & I can imagine I never will again. Granted, it was absolutely amazing living with my best friend who was also my"future husband" while he still valued me. But once they leave the first time, you never hold the same weight in their eyes. You will always be a temporary solution to an immediate problem. Accepting that is the worst. You want to believe they love you. But the sad truth is the people before you went through this & the people behind you will to. Everyone gets the same treatment and promises just tweaked a little to suit the current nessa

[Washisheart]

*needs.

and everyone is giving me the "just get over it already" speech. They are so over him & over me missing him it's crazy. I am now a bad mother because I repeatedly took him back. I am setting a poor example for my daughter.   The things they are saying. So now I try to hold it all in & act like the situation doesn't faze me.

[mitti]

Hi Washisheart and JP,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It so painful and it really is like having your heart torn out. And people who haven't been in a r/s with a pwBPD can't understand what it is like and what it does to you. Reading what you have written is like reading my own thoughts. I have spent hours upon hours asking what the purpose was, what am I to learn and why. How could he not be sure  and reject me when he said he had never felt the way he felt with me before? What did I do to deserve this unbearable pain, because for so long the pain was so excruciating I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I would have down anything to be somebody other than myself. All I could do was to sit and let the pain own me, and tear me apart.

I also gave this all I had. I invested every inch of my being in this r/s. And I asked myself why I didn't deserve to be loved. It felt like a mockery almost. And I had no friends that could offer any help because they could not understand what it was like to be in a r/s such as mine. They just weren't able to understand why I just couldn't leave him, get over him, get on with my life. I also had some years of T before meeting him and I was healthy, had healthy boundaries and was able to enforce them. But nothing could have prepared me for this kind of dysfunctional r/s dynamic. I had no defense.

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. It does get better, I have got better but I am still in pain, just bearable this time. I expect though that I will never be back where I was and that's good. I don't know if that is encouraging but I am now sure that there will be something else after this. I am not through completely but I will get there. He left me again albeit this time letting me know beforehand he was going away for Xmas and didn't wan't me with him. So he does it better than he used to, but I am no longer sure I want that kind of r/s. I am accepting that this is his best but I just don't think it is good enough for me. To be abandoned always hurts. He is going to keep doing it and I don't want to hurt anymore.

I wish you all the best 

[Washisheart]

Thats the worst part when you finally come to terms with the diagnosis. It will ALWAYS be this way. There is no chance of him EVER falling in love & being loyal to me.

I know I deserve better than this. And I WANT better than this, I just want it with him.