BPDFamily.com

I wish there was a board entitled "LEFT," because I left long, long ago. I've never regretted it. I don't post much here anymore because I've moved on and there is life after BPD. I do come back once in awhile just to check in.  This time I'm back because stupid mental illness has touched my life again.

It's been over ELEVEN years since I last saw crazyx.  The last time I saw him was when the cops hauled him off in handcuffs. He had held me hostage in my own home for nearly 3 days.  High, high drama!

Sadly, my story is not uncommon to so many here. These relationships are full of tragedy, heartbreak, confusion, and pure destruction.

Like so many others, I experienced a ___load of horrific behavior including domestic violence. Stalking - the worst of it lasted for about 5 years, then it tapered off and finally halted about three years ago.  Yes... .  he stalked me for eight years.  Sigh.  That was awful, but I dealt with it.  And during all of that, I dealt with ME.  Lots of self examination - lots of self truths that were not flattering. And... .  more relationship mistakes along the way - resulting in MORE self examination.

Anyway... .  all had been quiet from him for a long time.  Life moved on... .  I moved forward and finally stopped looking over my shoulder. 

Then... .  New Year's Day.  He surfaced. FORTUNATELY -- he doesn't live in my State, so this was all via phone and stupid facebook.  How silly I was to think that I could have a facebook page.  I will never be able to do something like that.

Anyway... .  I can't tell if he's just been stewing in his insanity for the last eleven years or if I've just been away from it for so long that the flagrancy of it is just shocking.  Hard to tell if he's gotten worse or I've gotten better.

I actually tried to speak with him. Why?  Because I'm an idiot. What a disaster.  Within a matter of MINUTES, he was making ridiculous demands of me - then he started in with the name calling and then he hung up on me. Oh, so familiar.   Within minutes, I felt all of the fear and negativity that was my life eleven years ago.

The ONLY emotions I have left for him are fear and pity.  That's it.

His "state" makes me sad. He will never be "okay." EVER.  And in that sadness... .  I am glad I saved myself.  He nearly ruined me financially and had I stayed, he would have killed me.  If not physically - mentally and emotionally.  I'm so grateful to be away from him. It pains me to think what my life would have been like had I stayed.  I'm so grateful that is NOT my reality.

turtle

Hi Turtle, wow, sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing, it shows how much you've overcome and how you're very able to face things when they come up. You've been an inspiration as far as strength and getting through this kind of stuff, I feel for you and again thank you too for showing it can be done. You've been here for so many others, glad to read you've moved on pretty well and are living a better life for yourself.

Peace for you and   

 

I truly believe without getting help they indeed continue to "stew in their insanity". Well put but the very last part you write REALLY hit home for me and I hope for those who are continuously questioning what they did wrong will pay heed and here it goes:... .  

His "state" makes me sad. He will never be "okay." EVER.  And in that sadness... .  I am glad I saved myself.  He nearly ruined me financially and had I stayed, he would have killed me.  If not physically - mentally and emotionally.  I'm so grateful to be away from him. It pains me to think what my life would have been like had I stayed.  I'm so grateful that is NOT my reality.

Thank you for your post turtle sorry it came to that but itis best we see what they are truly not keep false hope.

Turtle my friend 


Thank you for posting this... .  you know more than most about the disorder, recovery, etc - and I know you will take good care of yourself.

You are not an idiot - after 11 years, I imagine those horrible feelings were long gone and honestly you would hope it may be different.  I would likely have done the same thing - honestly.

What will you do now?  Change your number?

Thanks myself!  Just over the last year I have finally reached a place of peace. That doesn't mean my circumstances are perfect.  They are not.  But... .  I am at peace within myself.  It's been a long time coming and I worked hard to be in this place.  I like being in this place and I will not give it up.


It IS best that we remember who they truly are.  

After all these years, he merely needed a target for his anger. Someone to throw up all of that rage on.      Why he thinks this behavior is endearing is beyond me.  It was grossly unattractive eleven years ago and it's even more unattractive now.

And just to be clear... .  even if he told me he'd been in therapy and was now conducting seminars in dbt, that wouldn't change the course of my life one bit.  I haven't had any "hope" or desire about a reconnection with him in YEARS. However... .  I would be happy to hear that he had finally chosen not to be so tortured.   That will never happen and if he calls eleven years from now, I will not speak with him. I will never throw myself in front of that bus again!


Yes... .  I will and HAVE taken good care of myself.

I think the only reason I spoke to him (I'm a staunch believer in no contact and have preached it all over these boards,) is because I was curious.  What had eleven years done for him?  I have always hoped that he'd seek treatment and maybe, just maybe, this was why he was calling!  Pfft. I can't believe I fell for it.  I'm smarter than that.  At least I thought I was!

I can't change my number... .  he calls at my business and believe it or not... .  I don't have caller ID there.  That phone system is 26 years old - lol.  He called, and I answered the phone.  I was caught totally off guard. I'll be getting a new phone system this week, although he can get around caller ID if he decides to be a pain in my a$$. Sadly, because of my business, I am not hard to find.

However... .  I don't think he will pursue anything further. At least it doesn't seem like it.  All has been quiet for several days.  In the past, that would not have been the case. In the past, he would have been calling repeatedly -- all day, all night, all the time.  Maybe he's worn himself out over the last eleven years - lol.  And... .  it's highly likely that I'm not the only focus for his anger.  I'm sure he's been torturing others over the last eleven years and if any of those women have the misfortune of living closer to him, he'll focus on one of them.  I feel so sorry for anyone he's decided to pick on! Anyway... .  if he does make a nuisance of himself, I know what to do!

This contact with him disrupted my daily life very briefly, but it has disrupted my thoughts for a few days now.  I've relived the horror of all I went through with him.  I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, although I'd rather not think about all of that anymore.  However, thinking about it reminds me what I was saved from (and I'm sure it would have been way worse had I stayed) and it makes me VERY, VERY grateful for my life now.  A place of gratitude is never a bad thing.

turtle

Logic would say that it could only get worse, or stay the same. i would think the only thing that gets better, is the ability to hide it. Reminds me of a conversation, about 1 1/2 yrs after separation, the ex started with the excuse of legal prosecution.(the new angle) As I asked her questions, about things that didnt make sense, she started to lose it, and the same feelings in me resurfaced. (do,do,do,dodo,do,do, twilight music) I stopped her midstream and said " Im sorry, this is not going to work for me. I no longer accept this type of behavior."  I got the   look from her. I could see she only heard, Im sorry, and I no longer. We sat there looking at each other, which felt like eternity, i then asked "Is that all you need to say?", she then started the same exact words again. I then said the last words we have spoken. " I cant speak with you, you believe your own lies."  She had no reply, and I walked away. Another chance for her to come clean, she couldnt do it... .   I was glad to see myself put things back in there proper place, in a reasonable amount of time, and remembered. It was the behavior I accepted before, and she was more than willing to give it. Status quo for her, and still drowning in her own confusion. Sad to see the order, to the disorder.


Rest assure, its more of the latter, its not a time to let doubt creep in.



No, your turtle, that still has faith in humanity, and obviously felt the need to know, if things had changed for him also. You got your answer... .  I wish you well, PEACE

And that's what it comes down to, isn't it?  They believe their own lies!  It leaves us no where to go, but out the door and into the land of no contact. 

And yes... .  the order in the disorder.  Clearly, something has occurred in crazyx's life that has caused him to reorder his own disorder and lucky me... .  I was a part of the reordering process.  So sad. His "order" is complete chaos to everyone else.


Sometimes, I don't think I have any faith in humanity at all, so thanks for saying this!

turtle

 

right back atcha! 

Noe of this would have taken place if you didnt. As you know, many that have had your experiences, crawl in a hole, to never be seen again... .  It was a reminder, thats all. To show you why, you have the boundaries, you do.


To the contrary, there are a zillion places to go. Just one place not to go.


You do need some reminders lol It was in play long before you, and will be long after you, as you see. Not to be taken personally. Its still not about you... .  Look as if you need to round them up again, and put them where you know they belong, not where you know they dont... .  I wish you well, PEACE

Sorry to hear this was/is happened and is wearing on you.


That is very poignant and true.  I like the positive spin.  

Thanks GreenMango -- it is just a blip in the road that has been well travelled on the way OUT of Oz and for that I'm grateful!


I agree there are a million places to go.  My original statement was this:

"They believe their own lies!  It leaves us no where to go, but out the door and into the land of no contact."  

I meant this to be directed at these people that believe their own lies.  When dealing with someone who believes their own lies, they really do leave you with no other place to go than out the door and THAT leads to the zillion other places you can and SHOULD go!  And the sooner, the better! lol.


turtle

I get that part that the healthy choice is limited and you don't really get any other options.  I was just thinking of all the great places you still had open.  It was just one place where you know things don't change.

But damn if you aren't resilient.  :)  That's a bonus.

lol.  Thanks!

I've wondered if things would be different in the future and if the person would be doing better.  Maybe making better choices, happier, healthier... .  maybe he has a family, some security, etc... .  maybe we could be cordial acquaintances in passing on the street.

But who's believing their own lies now? lol.  Reality is it's probably not gonna happen and it's more likely the more things change the more they stay the same.  And, living like that anymore sounds masochistic.

Hang in there.

lol!  And that's exactly why I talked to him.  I thought after eleven YEARS, surely something would be different.  Um... .  nope... .  not a damn thing. 

Masochistic is exactly right.  As I was listening to his BS, all I could think was "how was this EVER my life?"  There's no way I would EVER return to that torture and it's beyond me how I endured it oh so long ago!

When we manage to reflect, self soothe, adapt, change... .  I think temporarily that positivity and elation can create some temporary false hope in us for our partners... .  or ex's... .  

Recognition that they are perhaps broken beyond repair is a pretty hard acceptance to take on board... .  especially considering where we have moved to... .   

We are at a better place than before we met them, yet our codependent traits kick in again and we want to drag them kicking and screaming to what we have found... .  but it's not about them... .  is it.  We did this for ourselves. That was the point... .  they can't exist in the contented place we have struggled to find.  We put in the effort, they were unable/incapable of that... .  

I think this is very accurate Newton.  For a very long time, I wanted nothing good for him. The trail of destruction he'd left behind was undeniable and I was MAD.  REALLY MAD.  Then... .  as time marched on, and I worked on myself, I came to a place of indifference (nirvana  - lol)  Then, as I became more centered, I couldn't help but want the same peace for him that I had found.  I hoped that he had found some relief from the tortured life he chooses to live.  When I answered the phone, I actually  hoped it would be good news, but my gut knew it wouldn't.  You are right.  He cannot exist in a place of peace.

And as you point out... .  he was incapable of putting in the effort eleven years ago.  I just hoped that during the last eleven years, there might have been even a small recognition in him that he doesn't have to live this way. But... .  he is STILL and will ALWAYS BE incapable of putting in the effort. That makes him dangerous to himself and others, and it makes him a very miserable person. That is sad.

And that is why the only emotions I have left for him are fear and pity.

turtle I read your posts "back in the day" when I first joined... .  YOU and others helped me to get to this understanding  |iiii

ps/ as a trite side point I love your sparkly new "ish" turtle shell avatar  :)

Thankyou for passing on your experience and knowledge ... .  

I've had this avatar for a long time, but I'm not around much anymore so it's new to you.  Glad you like it!   *)  I didn't have my sparkle for a long time, but once I got it back, I knew I was on my way!

... .  long may your sparkle continue... .  

Best wish EVER.  Thank you!

It's so true, and why so many of these relationships just crash and burn. The 'reality' isn't really there. Rewriting history as you go often messes with the present and the future, too. Falsehoods piled on top of falsehoods do not make the best connections.

I'm not even eleven months out yet, can only imagine what eleven years is like. It seems we get farther and farther apart from them, in all the ways there are. When they approach again like that, just out of the blue (I've had this happen, too), it's like we're seeing them through a telescope when they're right there 'close' to us. Zooming in with our clearer perspectives and healthier outlook, seeing through their patterns (and our own). When all involved know that we don't believe the lies any more, that's when some of the most positive personal changes occur. We grow much better from then on.

Bonus: We're not lying to ourselves, or anyone, as we accept the truth.

I have never had anyone explain it like this, but your description of what it's like really was spot on.  It definitely startled me. 


What's that old saying, "the truth sets you free".  The forget to mention sometimes it can be a little sad/pitiful too.


It's sounds like two things have changed - the date and you.  Also a good thing.


Do you guys notice after a time out and away those old sayings that the wise grandma's used to throw out really do apply to an experience like this?

I'm with GreenMango --- I think this is a very accurate description of what it's really like!

And yes... .  two things have changed... .  the date and ME!  And for that, I am very, very grateful!  Sometimes, when I read the struggles of people here, it just breaks my heart. I remember being in that place where time seems to stand still - each day filled with so much anguish that you think it will never end. Yet, time is our friend.  And when I read so many posts about the non worrying that the pwBPD is somehow moving on to a happy life (HIGHLY unlikely,) I want to tell that poster to quit worrying about the other person and move on to your OWN happy life.  However... .  we all have to go through this process at our own pace and the insights come when we are ready to accept them, and not one second before!



I was just having this conversation with my Mom the other night.  She is soo wise and all of the things she used to say to me when I was a child (and even now) have definitely applied to this situation.  So many things that I brushed off because I thought they were "just" cliches, became cliches because they are TRUE!

I just wish that they had the ability, to be vulnerable, and truthful enough, to teach me of these things, in a way that I could relate to them. Instead they put this in a riddle form, almost setting me up to be able to say "I told you so"... .  But we all do the best we can... .  PEACE

Riddle form  lol... .  So true.

I have to say... .  there were no riddles in this last contact.  Maybe it's because I am beyond riddles (as in, I have no patience for it,) or maybe it's because he was crystal clear.  Either way, there were no question marks in my mind when the exchange was finished.

Example:

After exchanging some catch-up pleasantries (how do you "catch up" after eleven years,) he wanted me to look something up on the internet.  I said, "I will see if I can do that tomorrow and thank you for the info."  He then called me "fu@#ing stupid."    This was the moment that I KNEW not a damn thing was different for him.

I calmly said, "Your disrespect for me is undeniable, hurtful, and intolerable."

Him:  "I know I am mean to you. That doesn't change the fact that I still love you."

Me:  "So you KNOW you are mean to me. You KNOW it is wounding, so why do you do it?"

Him: "Because you are the one person I can do that to!"     

Me: "Not anymore, and not ever again."  And I was back to NO CONTACT.

Bottom line is that when he dysregulates, he looks to the one place where he was able to throw up all of his anger and still be accepted.  Maybe he had to test to see if that place was still available -- it's not!

I was glad for this riddle free exchange.  I thought he was very clear -- maybe the most clear he's ever been.  And so was I. 

turtle

[quoteI] was glad for this riddle free exchange.  I thought he was very clear -- maybe the most clear he's ever been.[/quote]
My ex was always this clear. As the r/s progressed, i was only allowed to grow, as much as the illness would allow (sick people dont like those close to become healthier) When we step away, we grow leaps and bounds... .  People seek out others, close to there own EQ... .  You are now light years away. What a difference a healthier choice makes... .  PEACE

His admissions are scary.  I used to think metal illness and being around it was like talking to the obviously crazy person mumbling to themself on the corner, but after conversations like these (I've had em too) its more insidous than that.  It can be in the everyday, make no sense kind of things too.  Which is seriously messed up because even the simplest things are get affected.  And if a person can't handle the simplest stuff you know it doesn't bode well for everything else.

See here I'm thinking about that saying 'we are the company we keep' or 'misery loves company'. It sounds like that used to be true but you've changed so much (and he hasn't) you are no longer willing to be that company.  

Your thread is making me want to do a list of all good things I learned being around a person like this.  I shudder to think if I never got these lessons (even though some were incredibly painful).

So true.  In fact, after waking up one day - ELEVEN years ago - and realizing I was in the middle of complete insanity, I, of course, asked myself "how in the he! did I get here?"

Well, crazy doesn't show up on your doorstep in full blown crazy mode. If it did, none of us would be here!  It's disguised in every day people who can appear very normal and functional on the outside.  Then, little by little, like the growth of a weed, the behaviors surface and they contradict what we've believed to be true about that person.  Next thing you know, you have a full grown weed patch and all of your flowers are dead.




And another favorite:  "If you lie down with dogs, you'll get fleas!"  When I was young, I never understood this.  Boy, do I get it now.  Very rarely do you drag someone up to your level, they almost always drag you down to theirs.


I've kept a grateful journal for over a year now.  Every day, I am faithful to list 5 things I am grateful for and MANY of them are good things I have learned as a direct result of being around a person like this.  And yes... .  many of those things I learned were incredibly painful.  I want to make sure I learn it and learn it well because I have no interest in repeating this kind of experience!

"Wolves in sheeps clothing" is one I come back to with this.

"If it quacks like a duck, etc.", also.

But: If it quacks and walks like a duck, and is also a wolf in sheeps clothing?

That can lead to us being 'frogs in increasingly hotter pots of water'.

"Seeing is believing", though. Good for us, we saw it!

(Grandma also said: ":)on't let the door hit you on the a$$ on your way out".)

Hi Turtle



Long time no see! I'm sorry to hear about the encounter with your ex. Sounded like you handled it very well. Time really helps us forget how awful the past was. You have moved on so successfully. Yet when face to face again (or voice to ear, being that it was on the phone) no doubt brought back a lot of memories.

It is natural to be curious and that's the worst part about no contact - not knowing if the person has grown, changed, moved on.

VERY occasionally I try and find out how my ex is faring but I'm afraid the abusive types don't leave a lot of traces of themselves on the internet so I can't find out other than professionally. I suspect like your ex, my ex has not improved either.

What an awful reminder of a terrible chapter in your life. I'm glad he didn't harass you with multiple calls and other stalking behaviors this time. What a nightmare.

Glad to see you reaching out here. It has changed some but a lot is still the same! I see they've added a "man hug" but the puke face and blinking eyes are still great. So many super emoticons for a forum like this.

I'm really impressed, still, by the quality of the people who post. I'm still a big believer that "nons" are some of the most creative, patient, loving, thoughtful and self-aware folks out there.

So good to hear about your resilience and to see a familiar "face" :) Tea

Hi Tea!



So nice to "see" you!

You know... .  this encounter was just a blip on my radar.  However, if I had learned that he was in my city, I'm sure my reaction would have been much different. There was a moment - a brief moment - in all of this where I thought he was here -- in my city.  THAT was not cool. The primary emotion that I have for him is... .  will always be... .  FEAR.

Because I knew he wasn't in my State, I decided to engage.  I'm not sorry I did it, but I won't do it again.  It's pointless.

You are right... .  the abusive types learn how to live under the radar.  They are masters at it.  I remember so long ago trying to have him served... .  they could never find him... .  yet he could sure find ME!

I'm grateful he didn't start harrassing me too!  I had a couple of days where I was uncertain if he was going to escalate, but he didn't and I'm grateful for that.  And yes... .  it was an awful reminder. I have spent some time reliving certain horrors that I've managed to push to the back of my brain.  It's okay though.  The horrors are there.  They are a part of who I am, but they no longer define me.

Having this encounter made me renew my desire to want to help others (in any way I can) to see that they don't have to live with insanity.  They have a choice to make a better life and if I can do it... .  ANYONE can!

I agree about non's being awesome!  WE ARE!

Nice to "see" your familiar face too!  Thanks for stopping by to say 

Just curious - at what point did you find this board or a supportive network elsewhere? I didn't find it until AFTER we separated the final time. He told me after he had moved away that he identified with BPD. I looked it up and eventually found this forum.

Did you have a supportive network before you separated? Did you know of a label for his disorder while you were together?

How fortunate for others that you've heard a call to help. Congrats on giving back. T

I didn't find this board until 5 years after we had split.  He had been stalking me very heavily and that's what caused me to keep looking for help for HIM.  I had started seeing a new counselor to help me deal with the stress of dealing with him, and she's the one that threw out the term "borderline personality disorder."  That's when I found this place. It wasn't until I came here that I was able to deal with the stalking.  I hadn't had any luck through the authorities, because they could never find him.  Because of my ignorance, I was actually doing things (unknowingly) that were encouraging him to be so vigilant.  Once I came here, I got some very real feedback on what I was dealing with and it became very clear to me that I had to do things differently -- and that he wouldn't like it!

No... .  I had no label for his disorder while we were together and I never really did get a formal label.  There are many that could fit, so I often refer to it as a "pd du jour."  BPD definitely fits, but I think there are other disorders happening along with it. 

All I know is he is a tortured soul and I can't allow him to torture MY soul ever again. 

Turtle -

What a story you have. Your statement that you had to change your behavior and that he didn't like it. Five years after you split! I know standing my ground has been the hardest to learn but also the mos effective at getting them to stop 'bothering me'. I'm thinking of everyone I've had trouble with who've shown PD tendencies or abusive tendencies. Have to say learning this method now came in handy when I had to relearn again when my highly spirited (stubborn and creative) baby started running me ragged and exasperated. He LOVES the boundaries too once he knows we're standing firm.

Do you remember what specific things you started doing differently as a result of what you were learning (in therapy/on this board/ in books, etc)? My memory is pretty lousy (too many years under too much stress). I'm just curious. A lot of times it seems when we change our actions 'they' get pretty pissed because we're not taking their bait aymore. And boy the name calling, insults, etc can be pretty shocking to witness. It is also kind of empowering to see that we do have influence over what previously felt like nothing could help.

The one thing I changed that had the most impact and the most lasting impact was going NO CONTACT.  It is so contrary to my make up to do something like that - especially when someone is begging to be acknowledged.  It was hard.  SO HARD and it felt so wrong.

Of course, I had been told to do this by the Police, but it was sort of a flippant suggestion.  I would always say "okay," but then the barrage of calls would start. The Police weren't around to deal with 67 missed calls over a 3-4 hour period, or a voice mail box constantly filled with messages of begging, pleading, suicide threats, I love you's, I'll do anything... blah, blah, blah... .  which always turned into expletives, name calling, threats to harm me, etc., then of course right back to the begging, pleading, etc. It was exhausting and I didn't have a clue what to do!

Don't get me wrong... .  I'm grateful for the Police, but I think they deal with this kind of crap so much that it's just like saying "good morning."  They don't really notice that they have someone in front of them who is terrified and frozen like a deer in the headlights. And... .  I should have pressed charges for the incident in 11/01 and I didn't. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made (other than getting involved with him in the first place.)  Had I pressed charges, crazyx likely would have been in prison, and no longer free to do this kind of crap.  And at a minimum, had there been a record of that incident, I think the Police would have treated all of this very differently. 

Anyway... .  I would eventually give in and talk to crazyx because it seemed to help. Back then, I had no clue that is wasn't "helping," but it was actually harming... .  it was harming HIM and ME. It was clear to me that he needed help -- it was NOT clear to me that he didn't really WANT to be helped and that any help he got could not come from me, nor could it include me.

I was definitely afraid of him, but I hadn't yet realized that there was NOTHING I could do for him. Even though he had been physically violent with me, I still just didn't get it. I hadn't wrapped my brain around the idea that he was truly insane. I mean, I knew something was "off," but before I came here and started reading the stories of others and then telling my own, I just didn't have a clue what I was really dealing with.

After I went No Contact, things got worse. As you say... .  he got VERY pissed that I was no longer taking the bait.  So many things happened as a result of me going no contact that I can't even remember them anymore, but I do remember a few. I came home from work one day and things in my house had been moved. I moved nine times in 5 years because of him.  I knew enough to know that I didn't want him to know where I lived!  This happened after move #7. And... .  he wasn't even living in my State.  So... .  I knew I still had a serious problem!

There are many other instances like the one above that were so, so stressful.  Knowing that someone who is dangerous has found you is so unnerving.

I'm glad you're making boundaries with that high spirited baby.  It's good for you and it's definitely good for HIM!  I'm now a huge believer in boundaries!




I totally agree with this!

I'm soo sorry! What an unnerving and horrible thing.

As far as my son, it is funny because I don't know how much of this stuff is genetic - but I am a little cautious with him just to be sure (he will be three in a few months). He is a relative from my husband's family. Ours was his 4th foster care placement family (all in the family) and that was at age 11 months. I know enough to realize that attachment issues are at the heart of a lot of PD, so I've been on alert with him for that kind of stuff. Fortunately he is very securely attached to us and never showed any attachement issues, at least not yet. The other thing is that PD runs in my hubby's family. They are unfortunately the anti-social types and his birth dad is also violent (and has fathered another 10 kids by other moms). So . . . I'm just being really cautious to teach him how to respect others and deal with not getting his needs met always. Like you, I'm committed to trying to make the world a better place BUILDING on the unfortunate experiences I've had.

Just a quick story from today. So, my hubby starts work at 6 a.m. and as often as possible takes our son to daycare first. That means a pretty early start. We haven't insisted he give up all bottles (his teethare healthy, he brushes, doesn't take sweened drinks in a bottle most of the time, and I figure if they can breast feed a bit for comfor as they get older, why can't they have a bottle for comfort too? once and a while).But, we do try and limit them. So this morning it was very early and of course he was sleepy. He started to whine when I told him just a sippy cup this morning with milk (no bottle).He tried to convince me to give him a bottle with just water, and when that didn't work,I offered him a blankie for comfort. That diverted his attention for abit while he got on his shoes and coat. Then he spotted some grahm crackers on the counter. He asked for those and was given to him. He held onto that cracher proudly. We were both proud of him for finding an alternative that we all found appropriate and without whining or crying. These little negotiations I think build a sense of control for him but also working appropriately within a group. I just realy want to help him become a sensitive, self assured, respectful functional person. I know it isn't all in my control as his mom, but I want to do my part. I could talk about him all day. I'm so in love. It is sickening! :)   :)

I LOVE how you remember not only how hard it was but how wrong it felt. So often what we must do is SOO incredibly counter intuitivive. Good for you for learning it. And yes, a good reminder to all to FILE CHARGES! I called the police once each on both of my exs and that was a huge wake-up call to them that I was serious. It really helped and getting the authorities involved when you are dealing with someone dangerous is very very smart. I'm sorry that didn't fully work out for you but maybe your story will inspire someone else to be able to.

I hope my story does inspire someone else to FILE CHARGES! I called the Police on crazyx A LOT, but I never filed charges.  When that happens, it sends a message to the perpetrator that you don't mean it - that as soon as the Police leave, they can continue with their shenannigans - and they don't give one whit about the Police.  The Police mean NOTHING to them, so unless you press charges, you render the Police helpless.  It also sends a message to the Police that you aren't serious and that you are wasting their time.

When we are in the midst of this insanity, I don't think we realize how serious it can be, nor do we fully accept how far a mentally ill person will go!  I have no doubt that given the right circumstances, he would have killed me.  And it would have happened in a flash.

Before my involvement with the Police was over, I did have a conversation with a cop who hooked me up with a DV counselor.  That same cop also encouraged me to take self defense classes... .  which I did.

I'm so, so grateful that this is no longer my life.  Reliving all of this fills me with immense gratitude!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. 

I'm divorcing my BPDh of 22 years, and constantly question whether he is ever going to be able to function on his own.  I'm practically sunk emotionally and financially, but still worry about him and wonder if he will ever get better.

Your comment (below) just hits so close to home!

His "state" makes me sad. He will never be "okay." EVER.  And in that sadness... .  I am glad I saved myself.  He nearly ruined me financially and had I stayed, he would have killed me.  If not physically - mentally and emotionally.

At some point, we really do just have to let go and seek our own happiness.  Working on that... .  

Hi Kim0914!

It's a difficult process, but you can do it!  22 years is a long time to live in dysfunction!

Chances are, your husband won't ever be better than he is now and that is a hard pill to swallow when you've invested so much in him!

When I finally got out of the relationship, I wasn't even thinking about my happiness. In fact, I didn't even have a clue what happiness was anymore, I just wanted to survive... .  and I knew I couldn't do that as long as I stayed in the insanity.   

Hang in there!

Glad you're here!  You will find great support here!

turtle

Tea --- Somehow, I missed this post of yours.  What an amazing job you are doing with your little boy!  I'm so glad you are using the knowledge you have about mental disorders to aid you in raising this precious little child!

And what a gift you're giving him.  And being so in love is NOT sickening.  This is AWESOME!

|iiii

Hi turtle!

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds harrowing! I feel like I can relate, as I dealt with a BPD rager, but, only for two years, although he has been stalking me for the last two years (not as bad as yours was, though). I understand what you are feeling when you finish dealing with him. I recall many conversations, after which I could literally feel my blood boiling and knew my blood pressure had gone up by probably 20 points. I used to throw my phone at the wall or on the floor after having finally ended phone calls with him. And then I would be so stressed that I would lay in bed just decompressing for at least 2 hours (which sucked considering our convos would usually go late into the night). He nearly ruined my completion of my Masters program and I let myself miss out on many opportunities due to him.

But like you, I'm not resentful. I feel sorry for him. I don't love him, though. It's hard to love the externalizers/ragers once things are over. They spew so much venom and do so much permanent damage. They think that just because they have not physically harmed someone that they have the right to be forgiven and accepted again with open arms. And we are too nice to let them, which they take advantage of. I'm glad you finally put your foot down. Like you, I didn't know how to deal with the stalking. He's still sort of doing it, although he denies it. I got a random call on my birthday in November (after 3 mos no contact). I stupidly answered, knowing it may be him, and it was. We had an ok convo. He followed it up with some emails. He had been begging me to meet up with him for several months since he moved into my city to be near me (after we broke up and I was repulsed by the thought of him... .  what an idiot). Anyway, I struck a deal with him. I told him I'd meet up with him if he promised never to contact me again. He has kept to his side of the bargain. I stupidly wished him a happy bday in December, after which he tried to reignite things, I declined, he spewed more venom. I have him blocked on cell phone and FB now. I plan on changing my number soon, too. I'm going to keep email lines open, though, because I feel that giving him that venue will give him less of a challenge--and be more likely to leave me alone. I told him this, too, but said to only email me in emergencies. So far, he hasn't initiated much.

Someone on another board once said that once you establish a deep connection with a BPD, they will be in your life forever. Once I read that, I realized that it may be true. I guess that's another thing we have to apply "radical acceptance" towards. It kind of sucks because it makes one feel so powerless--that we can't control who can be in our lives. But I guess it's a small price to pay for not having to live with that mess on a daily basis. It's so tricky dealing with them, though. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Anyway, sorry again for what you had to go through. I feel some of your pain (but definitely not the full extent). And also thanks for your advice. I'll keep it in mind in case mine decides to pull any more tricks in the future.

I have another BPDbf (on/off again) I'm dealing with, too... .  an internalizer/waif. I must say, they are just as crazy-making, but definitely more lovable. He has done his share of damage (cheating, lying), but he has never uttered a mean word to me in the last two years I've known him. Even if we stay as just friends or NC, I will always love him. They are crazy little angels, whereas the externalizers/ragers are crazy little devils lol. I hope to move on from both and find a normal little angel in the future :-)