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My boyfriend of 10 years left me on december 12. He has done this three other times in the last 10 years. It is always over some little thing that he precieves as me not loving him, not trusting him or some insecurity. It is usually after we are having a great time period in our relationship and I notice slightly needy before.He has dreams all the time I do bad things... .  this time 2 days before he had a dream I had an affair with a teacher in my school.

I had posted to a teachers facebook page that he felt the teacher who posted should not have put the posting on facebook as it was a picture the student had drawn. I defeneded the teacher at first... .  and the whole thing turned into he couold not trust me, I lied about posting and a night of hell of me begging him to listen to me and that I did nothing wrong ... .  meanwhile he is a quiet borderline and he shut down... .  I oculd see the look in his eyes. He told me he could not trust me and I left his house... .  and as in past I was cut out with the silent treatment all through christmas and new years.

I finally contacted him last thursday with a short email saying that I felt bad and I wanted us to get counseling. He responded with a five page email basically accusing me of an affair with all kind of crazy things like when I talk abou the teacher I have a different voice when I talk about him... .  the email went to include all ridiculous connections to all these things in the last couple of months that he has created a whole story about how I am cheating with this teacher... .  I have been working hard on a new class this year so that fact that I did not come up to his house in the middle of the week was becuase of this, I had gone to a doctor about a urinary tract infection and did not tell him I was going to the doctor and that was because of this... .  of course i have no interest in cheating on him or this teacher... .  I am so hurt by his accusation and am suffering from the idea he would think that about me... .  I tried to call him after receiving the email... .  he would not speak... .  back to the silent treatment... .  I have sent emails to repsond ... .  no response.

I kill myself to show him all the time how much I love him. I was so hurt by his accusations as I had been cheated on by my first husband when my children were one and two and it was a horrible painful experience for me and I have often told him I would never do that to anyone becuase of what I went through.

He has pushed away everyone in his life... .  his 18 year old daughter moved out... .  he blames her... and now lives with his brother... .  he wont speak to him because he feels he betrayed him by taking her in... .  he has one friend who he is always mad at for something and now me... .  all my fault.

In his email it was filled with lots of comments about how much he loves me and how much he is hurting from what I did... .  My therapist says borderlines do not ususally do that and says he seems to have more borderline tendencies.

Anyway... .  last week he called my therapist to ask to come in and see her. I felt good about this  as I am hoping he is coming down and starting to maybe question his own story... .  he asked her not to tell me he was coming to see her and she told him he ethically has to... .  he said then he wouldnt come.

I am heartbroken as I want to get him to go to counseling... .  and I felt like the fact that he called showed he was hurting... I am kind of upset with my counselor who said he tried to double bind her... .  

what should I do? the counselor has offered to call again... .  but I dont know if that is pushing him too much... .  In previous times he has stayed away 2  1/2 - 3 months... .  between 80-90 days of silent treatment and then he seems to come down and want to talk and get over the little things I have done to make him leave... .  it is now 42 days and I am a mess... .  I lost 11 pounds... .  I can sleep I am so anxious... I cant handle him accsuing me of such things when I  love hime so and whould never do that... .  please someone help me... .  i need some support!

Wow that must be so distressing for you jhr1131. I sense you are walking on eggshells and probably have done so for the last 10 years.

Can we take a breather for a moment?

There comes a time where we cannot change another person – especially if they are mentally unstable. In re-reading your post – can you see that he is repeating the same patterns over and over?

Yes. It is a pattern. I want him to hear that I did not do this. I want him to talk to me. 43 days of silent treatment is killing me. I am in such terrible pain. I know he is too. But it i dr something that never happened. He has always come back before. This time my boundary is counseling... And he called and now was turned away. I want a chance to work on this

What if, what if that he won't do this? Because of his illness? Would you blame him for that? You can't always get the answers one seeks.

jhr1131, I feel for you I really do!

Part of dealing with this illness is also understanding that what they do or say, about us or anyone is not our fault. You are bent on blaming yourself here! Can I suggest you maybe start working on relinquishing this self blame.

I have learnt that I don't need to convince anyone that I didn't do something! Why? Because I have enough self worth and trust myself and my word that I didn't - your partner will not get this! You may not be able to convince him of anything - Why? Because he is ill!

What would it take for this relationship to work - for you and him?

Has it sunk in that your partner is mentally ill?

Why would he care if I knew he was going to see my therapist? I have been asking him in emails to get counseling and it was such a positive thing that he looked up my therapist and called to come into see her and now it all went down the drain? Why would he care if I knew?

Have you entertained the possibility that he was interested in seeing her to get her "on side" with his perceptions of you and your relationship?... .  rather than exploring his own issues... .  

Her informing you may of triggered him to feel he was losing control over the situation... .  

Would he care what my therapists perception of this was?  It is not someone I have been seeing for long... Just since this started. We saw her together about his daughter once. I feel the control thing is huge. He is very controlling and I think this silent treatment is a form of punishment for him to me. I was thinking that maybe me knowing he is going he feels would show that I was right... That maybe he was having doubts about his story and he doesn't want me to know that... His ego is huge... He can never be wrong. Would someone who has borderline tendencies really go to a partners therapist to prove their side? His email was filled with lot of statements about how much he loves me... The counselor said she changed her verdict that he was borderline after reading it as she said borderlines who are angry and ranting don't talk about how vulnerable they are and how much they love you. She said she thinks he has borderline tendencies more... Maybe raised by a borderline. I feel so depressed. I can't function. I was given antidepressants and anti anxiety meds but I don't want to take them. I just want him to talk to me ... To make this better. I am this highly educated strong woman and I feel like I can not function without him.

I don’t know! Regardless jhr1131 you are at a crisis point right now. Stick with your therapist – this is the best thing you can do for yourself.

The reason why many of us find bpdfamily is because we are in crisis.

Breathe!

Right now I would imagine you want him to call and you have a nice chat and then you get back together --- until the next time this happens! This is a pattern – you cannot break the pattern he needs to – and in order to do so you are also asking him not to be mentally ill.


It’s abusive!


More than certain! Mine came with me – and blamed me for everything. Careful what you wish for – sometimes it does not have the desired outcome.

BPD is entrenched in shame – he feels ashamed – you cant change this – unless your therapist was well versed in BPD him going to your sessions would be invalidating for you both.

Therapy is to help us not change another person! Therapy is for you to heal and to find out what you want for you.


Regardless – look at his actions – a diagnosis is not important.

I’d say his actions are hurting you deeply.


I am sorry of your pain jhr1131. I was also raised by a Borderline – it leaves some very deep scars. This hurt you are feeling may not be about him at all – it may be left over trauma/pain from your childhood.

Borderline parents have an ability to make us feel very unworthy! Our needs didn’t matter as a child – we had to bend to their every need and walk on eggshells to dodge the abuse – is it possible you maybe doing that now?

Can I suggest you explore your BPD parent on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0).

Thank you so much for your responses. I am so confused. It has been 10 years and I love him so... I know logically that this is very abusive. He was not going to counseling with me... He was going to see the counselor alone... I am hoping he was feeling like he needed someone to talk with and was confused. I know he called on the day I got the email so he was hurting bad... .  What do I do? I am going to counseling myself... But I know I will hear from him as in the past and I can't say I don't want to. How can I assure that I have healthy boundaries and still be able to have a relationship with him?

I am sorry you are confused!

Your heart is very broken right now – I sense that – its also important to use your head right now and see this for how it really is – without the mask!

We need to look at the facts and be mindful not to distort what is really happening here – this is what we mean by being of Wise Mind – that is – balancing out our emotions. To me, and correct me if I am wrong you are not in Wise Mind right now and are not seeing the facts here – you may not fully accept his illness right now. You may not want to accept that you cannot control him calling/coming back to you! You may feel like if you are perfect enough he will return.

He is giving you silent treatment – leave him be for now – continue seeing your therapist (T). You cannot control what he does right now. I know you hurt – him coming back is not going to fix anything – its possible you both need space.

You are hopeful you will hear from him – OK – what then?

It takes more than healthy boundaries to have a relationship with anyone jhr. We all have own issues – he may be masking yours. If I could fix/save my ex then I didn’t have to face up to my own issues. I buried my every being in my ex – when we split I fell over in a heap.

Our partners cannot be our life - this is not healthy. What do you enjoy doing? Where are you?

I felt I failed – is this how you feel jhr? Feel like you failed him?

I feel like I don't know who "me"is anymore. My life was consumed with taking care of his never ending needs. Understand that part of our relationship was not a problem for me... For the 3 or 4 years in between these episodes things are great ... but then my world collapses over tiny things that he makes huge.I can not be walked out on every time he feels insecure about my love and ignored for months. I feel like I am waiting for the two year old to get over his tantrum ... It is not the way a 50 year old man should handle himself. I am a beautiful educated kind woman and his fear of not being able to hold onto me and his insecurities are killing me... I wasn't planning on leaving... I was happy... He has pushed everyone out of his life and is all alone. He has started to become paranoid... Buying freeze dried food as the talk show people he listens to all day have told him to. He retired from the fire dept at 48 and he has no where to go all day and he is consumed with the idea all of a sudden that I am having all these relationships... I am a high school teacher and am around thousands of people everyday.i know I need to focus on me but how? I don't know how to start... ?

Hi jhr1131 and  *welcome*


If your boyfriend suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), you will need to consider that the primary reason why he always seems to perceive you as not loving him, or trusting him, or why he has such insecurity issues, is because of his disorder. People with BPD (pwBPD) experience a disordered fear of abandonment.  That is, they will fear abandonment, real or imagined.  He is insecure about you because he cannot manage his imagined fear that you will inexplicably abandon him.  He does not perceive you as trusting him because he does not trust you (i.e. fear of abandonment) and he projects this distrust onto you.  And he does not perceive you as loving him because pwBPD lack object constancy.


What I have noticed is that for pwBPD, this disordered fear of abandonment is particularly triggered by feelings of intimacy, feelings that can only increased the longer you have stayed with him.  And so each "great time period" in your relationship, is followed by a period of intensified disordered fear of abandonment.


He was dealing with this disordered fear of abandonment long before you posted anything to a teacher's facebook page.  Your actions only became a lightning rod for the disordered fears that were already mounting in him.  In a sense, these random triggers are a blessing for pwBPD: suddenly they have a legitimate reason for why they feel the way they do.  It serves as a defense mechanism, to avoid facing the harsh possibility that something is wrong with them.


My understanding of the silent treatments and inappropriate anger that some pwBPD express is that it is fair preferable for some pwBPD to be angry, even to the point where they lose control of that rage, because anger helps them maintain the illusion that they are under control.  Because if they did not have a reason to be angry at you, then they might need to consider that something is wrong with them.  By punishing you, they can avoid having to punish themselves for a perceived flaw.


It doesn't matter how much effort you spend trying to show him how much you love him.  PwBPD lack object constancy, so in a sense they cannot internalize that attachment.  So if you are not actively demonstrating that you love him, he does not feel it.  This is why when he does feel loved by you, he is sated.  But when you are not giving direct and loving attention, oftimes he is uncertain that you do love him and will require reassurance of your affection.  And when he also experiences his disordered fear of abandonment, he is conflicted by his feeling/fear that you will leave him even when you actively reassure him.

It does not matter what you have been through, or what kind of character you have demonstrated of yourself.  His disordered feelings push him to believe otherwise of you. Otherwise, he would have to consider that his feelings are disordered, that he is disordered.


BPD is a disorder of intimacy.  It affects how pwBPD feel about those whom they are most intimate and familiar with: family.  At the beginning of a relationship with someone with BPD, we are not quite "family" yet and so there is a period when they seem to function without these disordered feelings.  But as we become intimate, as we become family, the disorder expresses itself fully.  With complete strangers, they are not impaired by these disordered feelings.


I don't understand.  It seems to me that pwBPD can be quite vocal about how they perceive we have injured them.  And they can be quite vocal about expressing attachment, when they are idealizing us.  It is when they devalue us, that this attachment is forgotten.


I think he would care because he wouldn't want to deal with the possibility that you might contradict his distorted perception of the relationship.  You are hurt by his accusations of cheating on him.  You think they are only accusations.  You might consider that they are more like delusions.  And with a therapist, he would unload all his perceived but imagined fears.  And if he saw your therapists, I'd bet money that he'd try to insist that your therapist would pick his version of what happened over your version.  But if you knew that he was talking to your therapist, then you might expose the discrepancies between your two very different accounts.


It's not his ego that is the problem.  PwBPD exhibit "splitting" behavior, that is, they exhibit black and white thinking.  This means, in their mind, a person is either "all good" or "all bad" with no in between.  Either they trust you implicitly, or not at all.  And this kind of black and white thinking applies to their self perception as well.  Either they are "perfect" or else they are "irreparably flawed."  He *needs* to be right all the time because if he accepted that he could be slightly wrong, he would devalue himself severely.


PwBPD will go to complete strangers insisting that they subscribe to "their" side of the story.


I don't know if I would agree.  PwBPD can exhibit "waif-like" qualities, just as often as they might exhibit "witch-like" qualities.  My uexBPDgf told me quite often how much she loved me and how vulnerable she felt in our relationship.  She used her "helplessness" as a means of manipulating me.  And I was more than willing to be her "rescuer."


Of course there are great periods, why would any of us be so conflicted about these kinds of relationships if the seduction were not so compelling.  But you will need to consider that the "great" periods are exactly what leads to the "collapses."  They can bear only so much of their disordered feelings until they are overwhelmed by them.  And then they act.


And they act in order to avoid their *imagined* fear of abandonment.  To avoid being abandoned, they abandon first.  They leave first so they can be the abandoner, and not the abandonee.


You feel like this because pwBPD technically have the emotional tools of a toddler.  Their disorder arrested their emotional development at a very early age.  And even though they have the intellect and physique of an adult, emotionally they are children.


You start by taking care of your needs.  And replacing your tendency to consider his needs, with a rediscovery of what you need, irrespective of what he chooses for himself, or does with himself.  You need to re-build your life only with that which you can count upon.  And you must start counting on yourself to be your own best advocate.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing