Hi jhr1131 and
My boyfriend of 10 years left me on december 12. He has done this three other times in the last 10 years. It is always over some little thing that he precieves as me not loving him, not trusting him or some insecurity.
If your boyfriend suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), you will need to consider that the primary reason why he always seems to perceive you as not loving him, or trusting him, or why he has such insecurity issues, is because of his disorder. People with BPD (pwBPD) experience a disordered fear of abandonment. That is, they will fear abandonment, real or imagined. He is insecure about you because he cannot manage his imagined fear that you will inexplicably abandon him. He does not perceive you as trusting him because he does not trust you (i.e. fear of abandonment) and he projects this distrust onto you. And he does not perceive you as loving him because pwBPD lack object constancy.
It is usually after we are having a great time period in our relationship and I notice slightly needy before.He has dreams all the time I do bad things... . this time 2 days before he had a dream I had an affair with a teacher in my school.
What I have noticed is that for pwBPD, this disordered fear of abandonment is particularly triggered by feelings of intimacy, feelings that can only increased the longer you have stayed with him. And so each "great time period" in your relationship, is followed by a period of intensified disordered fear of abandonment.
I had posted to a teachers facebook page that he felt the teacher who posted should not have put the posting on facebook as it was a picture the student had drawn. I defeneded the teacher at first... . and the whole thing turned into he couold not trust me, I lied about posting and a night of hell of me begging him to listen to me and that I did nothing wrong ... . meanwhile he is a quiet borderline and he shut down... . I oculd see the look in his eyes. He told me he could not trust me and I left his house... . and as in past I was cut out with the silent treatment all through christmas and new years.
He was dealing with this disordered fear of abandonment long before you posted anything to a teacher's facebook page. Your actions only became a lightning rod for the disordered fears that were already mounting in him. In a sense, these random triggers are a blessing for pwBPD: suddenly they have a legitimate reason for why they feel the way they do. It serves as a defense mechanism, to avoid facing the harsh possibility that something is wrong with them.
I finally contacted him last thursday with a short email saying that I felt bad and I wanted us to get counseling. He responded with a five page email basically accusing me of an affair with all kind of crazy things like when I talk abou the teacher I have a different voice when I talk about him... . the email went to include all ridiculous connections to all these things in the last couple of months that he has created a whole story about how I am cheating with this teacher... . I have been working hard on a new class this year so that fact that I did not come up to his house in the middle of the week was becuase of this, I had gone to a doctor about a urinary tract infection and did not tell him I was going to the doctor and that was because of this... . of course i have no interest in cheating on him or this teacher... . I am so hurt by his accusation and am suffering from the idea he would think that about me... . I tried to call him after receiving the email... . he would not speak... . back to the silent treatment... . I have sent emails to repsond ... . no response.
My understanding of the silent treatments and inappropriate anger that some pwBPD express is that it is fair preferable for some pwBPD to be angry, even to the point where they lose control of that rage, because anger helps them maintain the illusion that they are under control. Because if they did not have a reason to be angry at you, then they might need to consider that something is wrong with them. By punishing you, they can avoid having to punish themselves for a perceived flaw.
I kill myself to show him all the time how much I love him. I was so hurt by his accusations as I had been cheated on by my first husband when my children were one and two and it was a horrible painful experience for me and I have often told him I would never do that to anyone becuase of what I went through.
It doesn't matter how much effort you spend trying to show him how much you love him. PwBPD lack object constancy, so in a sense they cannot internalize that attachment. So if you are not actively demonstrating that you love him, he does not feel it. This is why when he does feel loved by you, he is sated. But when you are not giving direct and loving attention, oftimes he is uncertain that you do love him and will require reassurance of your affection. And when he also experiences his disordered fear of abandonment, he is conflicted by his feeling/fear that you will leave him even when you actively reassure him.
It does not matter what you have been through, or what kind of character you have demonstrated of yourself. His disordered feelings push him to believe otherwise of you. Otherwise, he would have to consider that his feelings are disordered, that he is disordered.
He has pushed away everyone in his life... . his 18 year old daughter moved out... . he blames her... and now lives with his brother... . he wont speak to him because he feels he betrayed him by taking her in... . he has one friend who he is always mad at for something and now me... . all my fault.
BPD is a disorder of intimacy. It affects how pwBPD feel about those whom they are most intimate and familiar with: family. At the beginning of a relationship with someone with BPD, we are not quite "family" yet and so there is a period when they seem to function without these disordered feelings. But as we become intimate, as we become family, the disorder expresses itself fully. With complete strangers, they are not impaired by these disordered feelings.
In his email it was filled with lots of comments about how much he loves me and how much he is hurting from what I did... . My therapist says borderlines do not ususally do that and says he seems to have more borderline tendencies.
I don't understand. It seems to me that pwBPD can be quite vocal about how they perceive we have injured them. And they can be quite vocal about expressing attachment, when they are idealizing us. It is when they devalue us, that this attachment is forgotten.
Why would he care if I knew he was going to see my therapist? I have been asking him in emails to get counseling and it was such a positive thing that he looked up my therapist and called to come into see her and now it all went down the drain? Why would he care if I knew?
I think he would care because he wouldn't want to deal with the possibility that you might contradict his distorted perception of the relationship. You are hurt by his accusations of cheating on him. You think they are only accusations. You might consider that they are more like delusions. And with a therapist, he would unload all his perceived but imagined fears. And if he saw your therapists, I'd bet money that he'd try to insist that your therapist would pick his version of what happened over your version. But if you knew that he was talking to your therapist, then you might expose the discrepancies between your two very different accounts.
Would he care what my therapists perception of this was? It is not someone I have been seeing for long... Just since this started. We saw her together about his daughter once. I feel the control thing is huge. He is very controlling and I think this silent treatment is a form of punishment for him to me. I was thinking that maybe me knowing he is going he feels would show that I was right... That maybe he was having doubts about his story and he doesn't want me to know that... His ego is huge... He can never be wrong.
It's not his ego that is the problem. PwBPD exhibit "splitting" behavior, that is, they exhibit black and white thinking. This means, in their mind, a person is either "all good" or "all bad" with no in between. Either they trust you implicitly, or not at all. And this kind of black and white thinking applies to their self perception as well. Either they are "perfect" or else they are "irreparably flawed." He *needs* to be right all the time because if he accepted that he could be slightly wrong, he would devalue himself severely.
Would someone who has borderline tendencies really go to a partners therapist to prove their side?
PwBPD will go to complete strangers insisting that they subscribe to "their" side of the story.
His email was filled with lot of statements about how much he loves me... The counselor said she changed her verdict that he was borderline after reading it as she said borderlines who are angry and ranting don't talk about how vulnerable they are and how much they love you. She said she thinks he has borderline tendencies more... Maybe raised by a borderline.
I don't know if I would agree. PwBPD can exhibit "waif-like" qualities, just as often as they might exhibit "witch-like" qualities. My uexBPDgf told me quite often how much she loved me and how vulnerable she felt in our relationship. She used her "helplessness" as a means of manipulating me. And I was more than willing to be her "rescuer."
I feel like I don't know who "me"is anymore. My life was consumed with taking care of his never ending needs. Understand that part of our relationship was not a problem for me... For the 3 or 4 years in between these episodes things are great ... but then my world collapses over tiny things that he makes huge.
Of course there are great periods, why would any of us be so conflicted about these kinds of relationships if the seduction were not so compelling. But you will need to consider that the "great" periods are exactly what leads to the "collapses." They can bear only so much of their disordered feelings until they are overwhelmed by them. And then they act.
I can not be walked out on every time he feels insecure about my love and ignored for months.
And they act in order to avoid their *imagined* fear of abandonment. To avoid being abandoned, they abandon first. They leave first so they can be the abandoner, and not the abandonee.
I feel like I am waiting for the two year old to get over his tantrum ... It is not the way a 50 year old man should handle himself.
You feel like this because pwBPD technically have the emotional tools of a toddler. Their disorder arrested their emotional development at a very early age. And even though they have the intellect and physique of an adult, emotionally they are children.
i know I need to focus on me but how? I don't know how to start... ?
You start by taking care of your needs. And replacing your tendency to consider his needs, with a rediscovery of what you need, irrespective of what he chooses for himself, or does with himself. You need to re-build your life only with that which you can count upon. And you must start counting on yourself to be your own best advocate.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
