BPDFamily.com

How long is this phase my ex is with a guy for over 6 months and she is so in love with him granted its long distance but this makes me question is it real love

how do you know she is so in love with him?

My uxBPDw would present this of herself in front of her ex-boyfriends while she was with me.  She maintained friendships with a couple of them, and she would occasionally have long talks with them about how much better she is doing (now that she is with me), talk about how much she has grown, how happy she has become, etc.

It was under the guise of friendship, but she was of course doing it to twist the knife in them a little... .  prove to them that she was perfectly fine after all... .  show them she was right all the times she insisted they were "making her crazy."

This story lasted 7+ years.  They believed it (of course)... .  and so did she.

... .  and stupidly, so did I.

When she wasn't telling them how much better she was now that she'd found "the one", she was often screaming at me that I was ruining her life.


how do you know she is so in love with him?

Her twitter is all about him and how her life is so wonderful and every tweet is about him and there convos on twitter make me sick i never seen her like this not even with me

They have conversations on twitter?

Does she realize that you can see them?

For whose benefit is she choosing to display her romantic conversations in the most public forum possible?


I'm not necessarily saying that she is doing this to hurt you, specifically, but it seems clear she is attempting to validate her being "okay" and/or "happy" according to the perceptions of others.  Their sense of self and reality is shaky, and, in my experience, this results in an over-reliance on the perceptions of those around them as a method of establishing truth.

Her entire world is being propped up by the notion that she is not "crazy" or "terrible" or "hopeless", and that notion is now being propped up by the idea that she can make it work with this new guy.  The premise of her love and happiness with him allows her to disregard all the scary realities of what she may actually be.

It is then absolutely necessary that she, this new guy, and everybody close to her buy into this idea.  That presentation of happiness/love becomes absolutely essential to her being.  By the time she needs her friends' support to help her deal with all the "terrible things" that she will come to associate with this new guy, she will most likely have made a gradual shift to primarily new friends... .  ones that have arrived too late to see the pattern.



Her world is one of shifting realities to suit the demands of the terrified little girl inside her that would do or say absolutely anything to help her believe she is really just okay after all.  Of all the challenges she faces to accomplish this, being cutesy on twitter is relatively easy, convenient, and effective.

She's hurting you, she's proving herself right, and she's convincing everyone in the world that she's fine.  And all she needs to do is type some stuff at the computer to accomplish this?

She believes in it because she's mentally ill.  The new guy believes in it because he's in the FOG and doesn't know better.

But you shouldn't believe it.  You know better... .  right?

Oh if it's long distance, they can idealize them forever lol. If it ever becomes real, though, I bet things will fall apart within months. That's what happened to me. I was idealized for 1.5 years long distance, then he moved to my city and flaked out on me until I had enough. We are still somewhat in touch, but I'm nearly done with him. Don't sweat it too much. Focus on how she treated you and if you made the best decision for yourself based on that. If so, then that's what you need to keep reminding yourself of in order to move on. Easier said than done, though. Good luck to the both of us!

I found out about BPD through my friend he told me all the things she is doing

when i looked up emotional abuse it brought me to NPD and BPD and i was floored my best friend was right he doesnt even know what BPD is but he broke it down for me and what he said how she acted her track record in life fit the bill it clicked it made sense and she is also diagnosed with PTSD untreated she stopped treatment and only sought treatment because it was court ordered

i was on her twitter friends when after many arguments she blocked me when she left me she un blocked me every single person even my mother told me she knows me inside out and knows id check her twitter and those tweets are meant to show me hey look i found someone who wants to be with me. She was so emotionally abusive one night her and her male best friend berated me told me i deserve to die because one night she was making me feel crazy for trying to rationalize her behavior and i told her in frustration who the f would want to be with her with the way she treats me.  she told me i hurt her i made her feel like she was worthless and that's not my attention i was so hurt because no matter what she does or says she rationalizes it i believe her blame myself and when I say anything in frustration i am an abusive boyfriend.

he is offering her things she says i didn't offer some true some not but it just confusing and it hurts. I shift between blaming myself for losing her and realizing i am better off. its agonizing because she is so smart and intelligent its so easy to blame me i feel i lost the love of my life and sometimes i feel she was all a lie this kind of break up is so hard i pray everyday my love ones never experience a r/s like this.

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Oh if it's long distance, they can idealize them forever lol. [/quote]
Wow ... .  that's what made me think it was real.  For 1.5 years the message never changed.  Unfortunately, it was me that moved to be with him.   :'(

thats funny because me and her had a long distance rs and it was hell she was always needy and she left me for the second time but then again we dated for 6 months togehter  before she moved and then we had a LDR

freshlySane, wait for it, wait for it.

Seriously, do nothing, show nothing, she can feign for the cameras all she wants. I'm betting her reality is very different from her deliberate fantasy she shows online.

And long distance or not, her new boyfriend will soon enough learn what it feels to be like you. It will be quite the eye opener. Heck, don't be surprised if he shows up here! :)

All she has to do is get a little attention from someone nearby and new, and boom, she idolizes the new person, and starts to treat the current BF, like, well, you.

Time will catch up.

I know your right its funny everyone here has insight on this condition but the people who do not know about this condition tell me the same thing you guys are its my fear that's controlling me and i always fret and worry ... .  my friend who is younger then me divorced and getting remarried no history of therapy or studying psychology told me she realized she couldn't marry me and that i was starting to stand up for myself that i was figuring her out and she needed to run to another "victim" as he says in order to i guess self soothe her ego.  

She told me once that she wanted to take me down to the court house in order to surprise me with marriage. So that i can become her children's father legally, I told her how in the world can you surprise a man with marriage even though i purposed to her and we made plans to have a child of our own i wanted to plan and execute a well thought out relationship before we tied the knot mainly because we were having problems and i realized that marriage was not going to fix our problems the way i first thought it would.

I will always regret telling her Who the Frank would want to be with her ... I know that statement was a main source for her to paint me black and move on but its hard for me to rehash and wish i didn't say it but if i didn't say it maybe the rs would of continued and id be in the FOG suffering in a different way that i am now,

honestly... .  it is real to her.

I know this is hard to hear.  pwBPD believe the emotion they feel in the moment - keep in mind your definition of love and hers is likely different.  Also keep in mind that your ability to love and hers is likely different as well.

if its real why do they fail in relationships?

not all fail - there is a staying board of people who do have relationships that last. Remember, you only see the ones struggling here - many people go through the staying board and in good times we don't see them.

keep in mind - any relationship is 2 people, so changing the "no" will change they dynamics.

So she can very well have a lasting relationship with this guy

why not?

i am confused i don't know i thought she would repeat her behavior she is very stuck i her defenses but your telling me that all she needs is someone who will work with her and she can learn to get help?

This makes me feel like i was never enough for her?

Love could be enough, and for some, it is. But with love comes closeness, honesty, and consistent positive efforts with someone else. When your urge is to attach, but what you attach to is like a flame that burns you so you feel you have to let go, but then you're drawn back to it, and get burned again, and it keeps repeating no matter who you attach to... .  When the object-person you've been idealizing turns out to not be perfect, and you've projected your own pains, shame, and blame on them which makes them even less appealing... .  When the grass is always greener because you couldn't/didn't take care of your own, often sabotaging it... .  Your relationships will fail. Even when they last, they're damaged, and those involved are hurting. Love needs to be tended to. It needs to grow. If it's just abandoned or neglected, it can fade away. Sometimes it's just the right combination and everything opens up. We all have the possibility, and the ability to share our love. It's what we do with the chances we are given (and create).

So this guy for her might be the real deal and the one that can help her finally see what she has been doing for years?

now i feel like i missed my chance that if i had did my research and listened to my friends i could of helped her and wed probably be on the road to recovery together

I saw this on another website

"We all deserved to be loved. But if you’re an untreated borderline you are putting the ones you love at risk, at risk of emotional harm. Does that mean you are never to find love? No. It means you must seek treatment before you can find love. You are responsible for the well-being of the other person when you enter a relationship. You are not doomed for life if you seek treatment. Be well".

As I see it, *she* is capable of having a lasting relationship if *she* decides to correct her maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms at some future point.  If the question is, in the absence of self-work on her part, will she be capable of a lasting relationship - my guess is most likely no.

It's my general impression that BPDs tend to seek out some mystical, "perfect" mate who will never trigger their disorder.  Unfortunately, the disorder does not discriminate on the basis of the partner's distinct qualities, and is instead triggered by feelings of intimacy and familiarity themselves.

It also depends on one's definition of a "lasting relationship."  If my ex comes back and I agree to recycle, and that recycle lasts another year or two, and then ends with her running away again, and then we take another break, and then recycle again, and this pattern repeats for the rest of our lives - by some standards this could be considered both "lasting" and a "relationship."

Semantics aside, I would guess that not many would willingly choose such a dynamic.

(unintended post)

I'm a little confused by the direction this thread has taken.  It seems like freshlysane is seeking some reassurance that the nightmare he went through with his pwBPD needs to be viewed with an appreciation of the severity of the mental illness - rather than him merely internalizing it all as him feeling "not good enough" to make it work with her.

The prospect of her being healthy and happy with another person is forcing him to doubt himself again.

It seems like the topic comes up frequently here, and people are consistently reassured to trust what they know to be true, and understand that the confusion of what they experienced begins to make more sense with an appreciation of the severity of this condition.  People are frequently reminded that they can't internalize all of what was said/done to them... .  and they should let go of the belief that it's a representation of their failure.

It seems like freshlysane is not being offered the same reassurance, and I don't really understand why that is.


It is very possible that his ex girlfriend may have a "lasting relationship" with this new guy.  But a healthy one?  Or a stable one?  If she has BPD, then nearly all of what I have come to learn and understand about this condition suggests that a healthy stable relationship due to just "finding the right guy" is extremely unlikely.

As for "why not?",  I feel like the answer is because she has BPD.  That's a serious mental illness that interferes greatly with one's ability to maintain themselves within intimate relationships.

lol that's okay ... .  she knows something is wrong with her but she thinks its just her PTSD i tried to support her emotionally financially abut it never worked we argued a lot int he end and i regret ever minute of it .

this guy is a nice guy he like me lonely insecure wanting to save her .but she has done some really crazy things trying to find the one cheated on her ex husband cheated on her ex girlfriend cheated on me

slept with best friends cutting herself suicidal gestures and convos i Love her i want to help her but i cant i am blacker then black. She lost her mother at 7 to HIV and her father to the same thing so she struggled all her life she was abused as a child by a relative and had a teen  pregnancy so she has the trifecta. If i knew she had BPd id done everything in my power to get help so i could help her i cant and my fear is this guy will figure it out and shell hate me forever and ill never ever see her again im learning to forgive her behavior but i blame myself i didnt take the time to help her because i was too much into trying to help her ... .  i know weird

You can't help her, and neither can "new guy," even if he figures out she has BPD.  You, or he, can certainly *support* her, but only she can help herself in terms of recovering from the disorder.  Further, what we often view as help/support is really just further enabling the BPD sufferer to continue their unhealthy behavior.

Moreover, even if you learned about BPD while you were with her, what makes you believe that she'd respond positively to this suggestion on your part?  Some pwBPD do - it's true - yet many others do not.  

When a person suffers from a condition that is comprised in large part of "learned helplessness" thoughts and behaviors, the default response for many is to take the easy way out, regardless of whether it may also be more destructive in the long run.  What's easier to do - (a) acknowledging that you have a serious mental illness for which the only proven treatment is a serious commitment to time-consuming and emotionally-painful therapy over a period of years, or (b) blaming others for all your problems?

This is a post from another thread by the member 2010 that illustrates this "learned helplessness" concept and also how partners of pwBPD enable such behavior:

"'I have been helping my stbxBPD find a car, because she is a child and can't do anything on her own. I do want her to be safe, and also not overspend on a car because that just isn't fair. So I went out and test drove some cars with her.'

"Aristotle was one of the greatest philosophers. He knew that to touch a hot stove was better than listening to a hundred speeches about how not to get burned. Having her make her own decisions about a car IS fair. It is a learning experience for her- and good or bad, it determines her self-reliance. Self reliance means we all have to learn from our mistakes and misfortunes- whether or not they are determined by us- and the first step is making our own choices as to how we want to proceed.

"Borderlines choose people to blame for their learned helplessness. The car you help test drive today will become a car that has "issues" tomorrow. The best way to protect yourself is to disengage and realize how you are being sucked into the disapproving "parent" role, the rescuer role. Nothing is going to change unless you stop yourself- she's lived her entire life this way.

"If there is a fear that if you don’t help, then someone else will fall into the trap of rescuing her- (and you are then out of the loop)- then you must address your fear and seek counsel for it. Eventually this WILL happen, especially if you are [no longer together]. . . .

"She's never going to get on her own two feet if you don't detach - and isn't that what you want?"

thank you for that it makes sense ... .  i only think this strongly because she says this relationship is her last shot to be happy and that she will do anything to make it work

More problems:

The very thoughts driving her to say something like, "[T]his relationship is [my] last shot to be happy . . . ," are symptomatic of the disorder.  One cannot depend on a relationship for their own personal happiness.  A relationship can and should enrich one's life, but it is not the source of a person's happiness (if it is, it is unhealthy and unsustainable).

Second, this statement also smacks of professional victimhood, or the "woe is me" mantra that never ends.  This is her telling you that you, and everyone else before "new guy," have failed.  She says this to guilt you.  And it is working very well.  :)on't let it.

we been broken up for 4 months yeah she was dating him while still with me and she can still affect my mind ugggh i need help myself im going back to therapy

It is only her "last shot" until she realizes that this guy let her down like everyone else.  Then she'll be on to the next "last shot".

My ex-wife always told me that our relationship was her "last chance"... .  and if she couldn't make this work, then she'd really know something was wrong with her and she'd give up trying.

Now she's with another "last chance"... .  that's how it works.



My wife used to call her life with me her "Chapter 2"... .  because it was magical and different.  "Chapter 1" was all the disappointment and the pain and heartache, but "Chapter 2" was love and happiness.

Her book has been revised.  I am now in Chapter 1 with all the other disappointments.  A new man is her Chapter 2 now.  And he will be until he isn't anymore.

I'd guess that she'll be writing the first few new pages of yet another new "Chapter 2" over and over again for the rest of her life.

Chapter 1 keeps getting longer.  The darn book never gets finished.

Hey freshlysane  



Man to man, my brother... .  

I deeply empathize with many of your expressed feelings and thoughts here.  In my case, my wife is able to acknowledge her issues.  Until the disorder kicks in.  And I frequently triggered her disorder.

This does not make me a bad man.  Unless I change, I am a hurtful match for her, and she for me.

What I have learned is that learning about BPD and seeking therapy and doing things for myself, I am slowly becoming a better man - my wife is not the only person I care about in this world, though I love her and loved her as best I can and could.  AND I made mistakes and became emotionally dysregulated myself, etc., etc.

One of the most painful things for ME to acknowledge is that her previous husband was a better match for her - at least in one very critical aspect.  He did not engage emotionally when she escalated.  My emotions controlled me to some degree before I met her, and to a near-absolute degree by the time we separated.  I compromised my values in order to pacify my fear of losing her or her having an affair.  It hurts like hell to admit someone might be better for our love - even in some aspects.  But if it is true, and we reject that or bury ourselves in depression because of it, we are acting every bit as disordered as our troubled woman.

You have this awesome gift - to want to help her out of love.  To self-sacrifice in order to do so.  In my own personal experience, that similar drive in me combined with my fears and her disorder - to bring out hurtful behaviors in me - behaviors that are unhealthy - behaviors that hurt her - and me - and many others I care for.

I would never say that I can not help her.  I do say with absolute confidence that I can not fix her.  And I can, and have, hurt her.  (and she has hurt me) I could not accept the consequences of holding fast to my values, and therefore I acted in opposition to my values - increasingly so over the years - and I have justified myself out of misguided 'love' for her, I lost much of myself and become an even more damaging 'match' for her.

And I was wrong.  And it is not all my fault.  And I am human.  And I can change.  And it all hurts.

You can help others.  You may be able to help her at some point.  But not if you do not change.  Learn and abide by your values.  You may never get the chance to help her.  You just might.  You may even have the opportunity to try again (BPD's do recycle previous partners - not a given, but it is possible and may be probable).  Even if you become perfectly stable, supportive, loving, emotionally independent, and you get the recycle chance - she may still place you as the villain in the Karpman triangle and leave you anyway.  Or that may help her to lead a happier and more fulfilling life with you - but that will be her choice.  BUT - if you do NOT learn and CHANGE and become emotionally independent, confident, strong, able to hold your values in the face of threats of abandonment and emotional storms, you will not have a successful and helpful relationship with her unless SHE changes to support and lift up YOU.  :)oes that sound likely?

well, as my daddy used to say, "thems your choices" - and this is only my semi-learned opinion based on experience and informal education.

Take Good Care of Yourself - you are a good man, and there are people in your life now and in the future who will benefit by knowing you.

Michael

that made me tear up a little a perfect stranger telling me i am a good man i am sorry i haven't heard that in over 3 years ... .  I want to start the journey of self ... .  I am joining the Army Something i always wanted to do  a new adventure a new life and a way to toughen me up and learn to be Strong again Thanks Micheal thank all you guys

freshlySane - GodSpeed.  Get strong, stay strong.  Do right.  And thank you for your sacrifice.

Michael

That is not at all what is intended by saying she could be in a lasting relationship with someone else.

The fact is - every single one of us are unique with different boundaries, core values and communication styles.  Frankly, I am not set up to do a BPD relationship as one of my core values is truth in action and words... .  this is not something very likely to happen with a BPD.

If your ex were on the road to recovery - it is a very, very long process.  Most of the time that process does involve somewhat of a separation because you will need just as much work as she does... .  and that work is done alone usually.  The best example of a success story is Steph (you can read her member file posts).  

Have you had some time to read the articles, lessons, workshops and books on BPD?  

I can tell you are upset - and these relationships are emotionally devastating.  Trying to find comfort in the fact she is always going to be miserable is not really going to help in the long term.

Being cheated on and left sucks - it just does.  The BPD dynamics that happen before the final break can make us feel crazy - at least it did to me.  Ultimately, the facts helped me detach and part of learning the facts were that I just don't want a "chosen" BPD relationship.

You will be ok - you do deserve better than you were treated - this life is about you.

Peace,

SB

then i need to read more on the lessons to help me detach

freshlySane, please don't leave this forum with false hope.

Take the disorder out of the equation for a second, you have someone who clearly wants different things than you. That is a deal breaker for her, and for most people. The end.

Add borderline, enmeshment, the push/pull, etc., and it is a mighty big mess.

Bottom line, a relationship requires two people to be equals, and both try and both want it.

You can change yourself 180 degrees, but you are only half the equation. It's easy to have magical thinking and wonder if you would have done this or that, etc. I don't think it would have mattered.

I suggest you keep reading stories. See the recycles, the promises, and the same endings.

great idea! 

Honestly, the more I learned, the more I realize my definition of love (as a verb) and relationship is very different than someone with BPD.  I likely would never be fully happy or even healthy in that relationship.

Does this mean I didn't love my ex or didn't do everything in my power - no

But given the choice, which is ultmitaly what she gave me by leaving - this is not the kind of relationship that I want.

Hang in there - it gets better.