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Fourteen months ago, my beloved father passed away.  He had cancer, but we didn't know it; he was experiencing pain in his spine, which we thought was a recurrence of severe pain due do, well, parachuting out of a burning plane on D-Day.  Turned out his spine was riddled with cancer tumors.  He was disoriented for much of the time, and passed away within a week of diagnosis. 

Six months later, I left a 4 year relationship with my exBPDbf, moving 1,000 miles away, though we recycled several times until the anniversary of my father's death, where, in an effort to honor my Dad, I did the very hard thing of truly ending the relationship.

Now my 19 year old cat is very ill.  Vet has ruled out all but two options--blood parasites (which would be the best, since that is treatable) or cancer.  If it's cancer, the kindest thing would, considering how he is failing, be to put him down soon after the diagnosis.  My ex loved this cat, and was always so good to him.

I live alone, I work alone out of my house, I've made no new friends here other than my friend whose house I'm renting, and I am also far from family.  I'm watching my little buddy slowly decline; he had been so healthy for so much of his life.  He is the age my Dad was in cat years, and it's like I'm watching it unfold all over again, even up to the speed of things.

My ex and I have been texting, he wants so much to be here but neither of us can afford for him to fly out.  We have been very kind to each other and loving, focusing on our sweet friend who may only have a few more days with me.  I have bad memories of my ex while my father was dying and shortly afterward; he was on medication that was not working well and had meltdowns both before and after.  This time, he is being kind and supportive, though it's clearly really hard on him too.

I feel like within the space of little over a year I've lost so much; I am also dealing with job concerns and financial issues.  I dread being truly "alone" with no little cat to watch TV with me.  I'm feeling very close and kindly toward my ex, and I want to just yield to that.  It feels safe, in a way I didn't feel with him while we were together.  We still have feelings for each other and use the word "love."  I don't know what to do, to just enjoy this and accept the comfort or try to pull away.  I'm so lost and lonely right now.   

C4S

I am so sorry about your cat and her illness! 

I can relate very much about having an animal companion and the deep pain when it comes perhaps to an end... .  

You are not alone here. We are here for you, also for the other struggles.

About your ex: I would accept it like it is. You feel safe and in a way it is, bc due to the financial situation he is and stays 1000 miles away. So it is sort of controlled distance between you and him.

changed4safety, I am also sorry to hear about your little furb-baby.

It has not been very long since your separation and I think its normal to want to reach out to him, given he is also close to your kitty.

I guess, and this is hard during times of upset, but try to separate the two - compartmentalize it. Separate the facts from emotion if you like or Emotion v Logic. 

This article may help:  How to Stay Centered (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=180322.0)

All the best

It is difficult enough learning how to deal with things by ourselves and then throw in something really stressful and it's almost unbareable.  People weren't set up to Lone Ranger.  At least, most of people are not.

The wise mind workshop that Clearmind posted, that is good stuff.  |iiii 

When a beloved pet is sick, that is a major stress, people love their pets in a very close, special way.  I found that ex could be initially supportive but soon went back to, you need to get over it.  It's like he couldn't sustain being supportive.  This happened when I lost a kitty and after a death in the family.  He couldn't understand why I wasn't over it already after a few days.

When you are feeling up to it, there are ways you can reconnect with your community, cooking classes, book clubs, hiking clubs, wine and dine clubs, 'meet ups' on the web are getting popular helping people hook up that have similiar interests.

How is your kitty doing today?  When will you know the results?

Thank you all so much, I really do feel very alone with this.   

Because we are switching to a food he will actually eat, there are digestive issues so I had to leave him closed in the bathroom with his litterbox.  I did awaken today to find that he had eaten all his food and seemed to have a tad more energy, so that's heartening.  I won't know until tomorrow about the test (stupid weekend).  I'm working on "acceptance," knowing that I have done everything right.  He has been a happy, healthy, loving friend through so much and for all but two months of his life.  It's the similarities with my father's decline that unnerving me the most I think, but today I told myself, if I can bear losing him (Mom was an alcoholic and Dad ran interference in the family, I lost my "protector" I can bear anything. 

I've decided that I will act quickly if the news is cancer.  Kitty is not enjoying life any more, this is clearly taking a terrible toll.  I don't want to rush into having a new pet, so that means for now getting rid of everything. 

I think the worst will be truly being "alone."  I've decided that I don't want to stay here long term; I'm living in a friend's rental house and can't afford anything else (he is making me a deal until cash that is contracted comes in) so I'm going to get my feet under me. 

So I guess I'm learning things.

Ex was already starting to pull away a little, it was tearing at him that he couldn't be here physically and I could feel him pulling back.  He has grown and matured, certainly, and I know leaving was really a positive thing for us both.  But he's still not strong enough for me to lean on for anything really important, and so I can monitor how much I lean. 

I find myself being very grateful for having had him so long and being so healthy.  Really staggering.  Not a single problem until he was 17, and even that was easily treatable (thyroid issue). 

Thanks again for your support, I really need it, and I appreciate it!

Also it's hard b/c of the diarrhea, he pretty much needs to be monitored or else locked in the bathroom.  I don't have anyone to "watch him while I run grab groceries" or even take a walk, so that's hard.  I've decided to take my work downstairs with him, so I can pet him while I work, and to focus on cleaning and tidying areas in the house where I can keep an eye on him.  Trying to be centered and use my "wise mind."  :)

Oh I am happy he ate, good for him.  After I lost my kitty, I got another rescue pretty quick.  I was mad at him at first, for not being the baby I lost and then he won me over.  By being his own special personality, it wasn't like my last kitty but it was easy to start loving the new.  It did take months to not weep anymore.  I loved that kitty to pieces.

That is lucky your friend is giving you a deal on the house.  Once less thing to worry about right now.  It does seem to take time to get all our ducks in a row.  Rebuilding a life is not easy but so worth it.

Please let us know what you find out tomorrow, sending healing thoughts your way to your kittencat.

I will definitely let you know.  It's not impossible this might be a parasite (although he is an indoor kitty, it could have come in in a variety of ways--I did a lot of woods hiking this fall and through the winter.) 

I am reluctant to get another cat because at some point I will be moving.  I am blessed that my job goes with me so I can work anywhere, but getting a "pet friendly" place really limits my housing options.  I will see how I feel; no need to rush into getting another pet, nor to discount it entirely. 

Wouldn't eat much this morning, but I've got his appetite stimulators into him, and I have that high-calorie, high-nutrient gel I can dab onto his muzzle so he'll be getting something. He's all curled up in the sunshine right now. 

The rental I had before getting a house allowed dogs but not cats, so I had to wait a bit.  It was first thing I did when I got the house was adopt a cat from the humane society.   

Thinking about you and kitty today and hope you are both doing ok.  :)   

Thanks RT. :)  He is actually doing a bit better--adjusting to the new food and the high-calorie, high-nutrient gel seems to be helping as well.  He is getting steroids for appetite stimulation, so I know that is helping.  He's been doing more sitting thank lying and just seems a bit more alert. 

No word yet, but I have figured out a way to adjust my daily requirements, at least for this past weekend and today, to be around him as much as possible (hooray for laptops!)  He's right here on the sofa with me. 

:light:  This has brought on a flood of thinking about things--my dad, my ex, my FOO, my behavior.  I had a bad moment today when I realized that I was avoiding getting up because I didn't want to deal with the actual problem of possibly losing him.  So much for my vaunted "Oh, I am SO caring and compassionate!"  I had a bad jolt when I realized just how much my focus on others has been about getting something out of it for myself.  I'm not selfless, not always.  I have an "angle."  It's part of my own codependency. 

I struggled with shame at that revelation, but tried to show myself some compassion.  I've got a therapist appointment tomorrow and will talk about that with him. 

The other insight was that you don't get cosmic brownie points for being nice to people at the expense of being nice to yourself.  It's like after a certain point, it doesn't count.  "A++++" in English class isn't any better than A, and if you've gotten a C in math, your whole GPA gets dragged down. 

I've gotten A+++++ in focusing on other people (my English class) but neglected myself (math).  I have to bring things into balance. 

I know that sounds a bit rambly, hope it made some sort of sense.

We love and care about our families and friends.  Where it goes wonky is when we can't feel happy unless they are happy.  We invalidate them and we ignore our own needs.  Think of yourself as your kitty, you are getting him medical care, medicine, giving him comfort.  Are you that loving to yourself?

Healing can be a bit selfish, it has to be.  It's learning how to be a bit self centered.  Self talk such as, what does Changed need?  And it can't come from someone else.  What can Changed do for Changed?

Please give Kitty a pat for me and a gentle hug.  :)

Hi Changed,

I don't know how I missed this thread, but I just wanted to say I'm sending you hugs and good wishes and healing thoughts to dear kitty.  I'm so sorry your boy got sick now when you feel so alone and in a new place.  I know you will meet people and adjust eventually, but it must be very hard to think of being alone without your baby boy there with you.

My first two kitties (litter mates) died in the last 2-3 years -- one at age almost 19 and the other made it to almost 20.  I had these babies for all of my adult life.  My husband is a huge animal/cat lover and softie with animals, and he and I together gave the one kitty fluids 2x a day for 6 months.  He and I together hurt as they suffered toward the end, bawled when the moment came, and grieved very hard for our lost "children."  I understand the desire to reach out to ex, as it sounds like he loved your kitty very much and was a good daddy to him.

I think you are handling it the best you can -- you are being a loving mommy to your baby and I'm glad he is doing better with the appetite.  Poor little guy.  My heart is with you and your kitty.  Please update us on how he is doing.   

Thank you all!  Called the vet, the results aren't in yet, and with only 45 mins left in the business day looks like it won't be till tomorrow that we know anything.  Things are still going well with the ex, and I am very grateful to have his support. 

I got out for a walk today and found my free weights (still in the basement as I belong to a gym.)  I didn't want to go out and maybe miss the call.  Felt good to be active.  I may go to a yoga class tonight... .  might be a really good stress reliever, and he is basically just hanging out. 

He seems perkier today... .  I am still hopeful, but also working on acceptance. 

Good for you, Changed, glad you got out for a walk about.  |iiii

Well, everything is still inconclusive.

Test results are negative for parasites, but he could have an autoimmune issue.  He is definitely feeling better (jumped up onto the back of the sofa all on his own to get to his fave spot!) and that is likely the result of the prednizone I am giving him.  Vet says we will check his red blood count again on Thursday (Valentine's day... .  ugh).  More testing starts getting into the realm of a lot of money for not a little information, and also is highly stressful to the animal.  So basically, treating the symptoms, and taking it day by day.

Ex seems very withdrawn today with the news.  I sent him a lengthy text and he said "Well, I guess we'll just have to hope for the best! :) "  I thanked him and said I couldn't have gotten through this without his support, and closed with a pet name we've both been using for each other.  No response.  A little later, I asked him how he was feeling himself (he had a nasty boil removed from his tailbone and hasn't been doing well).  No response.  

I'm of mixed feelings about this.  I've liked this place of connection we've had.  I observe that he seems to be managing his life and his emotions better.  I'm not sure what I wanted to hear back--I guess maybe something equal, without getting too emotional.  There was a girl he was hanging out with, I was confused because last I heard she was in a stable relationship, and there was some back and forth between her, him and her gf/bf (female transitioning to male partner) on FB and so I just asked.  He sent back a LOL and reminded me that he had mentioned what good friends these two had been to him several months ago, and reassured me he would tell me if anything got serious with anyone.  I actually do believe him--this was a huge issue in our relationship, and I saw and "sensed" (my gut was ALWAYS right when I suspected him of lying and cheating) that there was a shift with that.  So I'm actually rather impressed if indeed he's just hanging out and not diving headlong into another relationship.

I am again looking to him to fill a need, and that's not good.  It's why I ended things (one reason), because I knew I had work on myself to do that couldn't be done within a relationship.  If I got into a relationship now, I'd go right back to the patterns of giving everything to Other Person and not me.  

I'm not looking forward to Valentine's Day.  For one thing, it may bring news about kitty that will be very bad and point me toward having a few more days before saying goodbye.  For another thing, of course, there's this new softening between me and my ex.  It's stupid, it makes no sense, but I just don't want him to be with someone else.  This is my first Valentine's Day in 21 years without being in a relationship, and it's just hard.  I'm ready for it to be past.  Then it will be Feb. 15, and discounted chocolate!  

I am sorry about your cat Changed4safety.  I know the unconditional love from our furry friends help so much in these hard times.   


You wrote this and I pulled it out because I have watched you on the boards and this is a good gauge for where you are right now.


The bolded statement is showing emotional enmeshment on your part.  The goal is to not be concerned with how he seems.  If it is important, ask him (texting doesn't give a clear sense of emotions, phone is better, but assuming anything emotional from texting is a slippery slope).

Detachment from his "seeming" emotions will allow you the space to feel your emotions and allow the space to be an emotional support for him.

Stayers talk about clearly asking and not assuming the emotional state of our BPD - I have started applying this to all of my relationships actually. 

Why are you so concerned about his no response?  Is it possible you are expecting emotional support  from an emotionally disordered person? 

I know you are hurt & scared, I would be if it were my pup in this situation.  Focus on getting your support from people capable of supporting you - sorry if this seems a bit direct, only hoping you will go elsewhere for your emotional support.  Your ex is not going to be that for you.


Peace,

SB

Oh, dang, I was hoping they would know what is ailing your kitty and have a solution.  An auto-immune disease?  Poor little guy!  It does get pricey when they can't pin it down. 

We are headed past the triple threat of Christmas/New Year's/V-day.  Come on Feb 15th!  I remember a post from a long time ago, the guys on the staying board were talking about cards to get their wives that have BPD.  One guy said he needed a card that said, thank you for not killing me.   lol  They all said that they had to get cards/candy/flowers for their wives and that their wives never gave anything to them.  The world is not full of everybody happy at all.  If I could, I'd take you out for a girl's night out to dinner and we could watch the other couples and figure out which ones were truly happy and which ones can't stand each other.  Better a lonely single than a lonely married, single you can do something about!  |iiii

Yes, unfortunately I think I am seeking emotional support from him.  He was doing pretty well too.  I have thought on this, and a part of me wants to see him "make up" for how he fell apart when my father was dying.  The whole thing has an eerie quality of a sort of "do over" for some things for me.  

I got a text from him a little later that cleared some things up: "I want to apologize for not responding better earlier.  It was a difficult morning for a lot of reasons.  I am sad there is no simple fix for the little guy.  At least he seems to be doing well right now, and that's something.  For now I suppose it's best to just let him enjoy life as much as possible, and love him all the while."

I sent him other reports and a pic when Kitty perked up and seemed to have more energy.  Talked to him a bit more on FB today... .  it went astonishingly well.  Part of me wonders if he's really doing it now--he seems to have changed so much about his life.  I guess I still wonder if one day it might work for us.  

thanks--I am supposed to bring him in tomorrow or Friday to check red blood cell count again.  I'm thinking of delaying till Friday.  Funny you should mention a girl's night out--I have joined a meetup for women called "Girlfriends" and we are doing a girl-only Valentine's day dinner.  I think if I get bad news tomorrow I will be too depressed to go, especially since it would be my first meeting with these women and I am quite the introvert. 

Will be sure to let you know what the outcome is.  In the meantime, I'm thinking the universe is continuing to urge me to accept What Is, and be content there.

That sounds very interesting, a women's club for girls night out.  It's great you are thinking of ways to connect and take care of your needs to connect to other people.  Nothing wrong with being an introvert.  I have a coworker that is the quiet type, I like her very much because she is a good listener, when she does speak it's something worth listening.  People that blather on without saying much of value, well, they really aren't my cup of tea.  Listeners are rare.  That aren't formulating an answer while you are talking but listening.  That is something I need to improve is my listening skills.  It's a valuable asset.

Whatever you decide to do, be good to you.  Your kitty is in my thoughts and I hope he is having a good day. 

Thank you to all who have been following this and have offered your support.

We have run a lot of tests, but Kitty's red blood count continues to fall.  Prednisone has boosted his appetite and given him more energy, and he's purring more, so clearly he is feeling better.  Without extreme tests that are painful, invasive, hard on the system and expensive, we won't know what type of cancer he has; and then it would be chemo, etc. 

He is 19, not in pain.  I think the most loving thing to do is spoil him rotten for as long as he's feeling OK, and when we can't hold back that any longer, to say goodbye.

My ex has been so kind.  I just talked to him on the phone for the first time in over a month, and he completely agrees with my decision and says he is there for me--which he has been.  He didn't respond to an addendum text I sent shortly after we talked; knowing him he is probably in the bathroom sobbing.  He loves animals.  I think for the reason most of us do--they offer unconditional and very simple and pure love, with no agenda except maybe treats.  I imagine to a borderline, that is heaven.  I'm crying too.  It's funny, he's been more interested in the cat's well being than my ex-husband, who had the cat in his life for 17 years.  My exH never responded to the text I sent and put up a fake cheery "Maybe he will be OK!" on my FB. 

Don't know how long I've got with the little guy, but they will be precious days. 

   That sounds like the wisest decision for your little guy.  I wouldn't wish painful tests and treatments on a kitty that can spend his last days sunning himself and getting loves from you.  Not so easy for you, wishing he would just get better.     You know, a lot of men do not like cats, they don't like that lack of respect when they try to order them around.  Drove ex crazy when he told my cat to do something and the kitty would look at him like "Wha... .  ?"  Women appreciate love more than respect so we get along fine with our loving kittencats.  What kind of kitty is your cat? 

He is a very handsome orange tabby with leaf green eyes and strong deep colored markings.  My exH didn't want a tabby because they were "boring," but our Kitty won him over by crawling on his shoulder, walking around the back of his neck, and licking his nose. :) 

He is off the k/d cat food and eating Fancy Feast, junk food for kitties but it doesn't matter now, and at least he is eating and feeling better. 

I had a meltdown (posted on another thread) and asked the exBPD to call... .  we had a really wonderful talk for several reasons.  One, we really just connected, and allowed ourselves to still love each other through our love for Kitty without getting into "him" or "me" or "us."  We segued into really bad jokes and chat for a while, and then, perhaps inevitably, he went off on the whole gun control issue.   Because he has mental health issues, he is concerned about his rights taken away.  I don't want to get into it here, and in fact have avoided the whole issue because it seems to me a stressor that I can live without currently.  But I gently emotionally detached, didn't argue with him, because... .  I'm not his lover, not living with him, what he thinks about it doesn't affect me any more.  And that was good too! 

I still love him, still am in love with him, but the more distance I get the more I can see that even without his mental illness issues, there were things that I didn't like/that didn't work for me.   Could I have lived with them?  Probably, I'm a big girl, people don't have to agree on everything.  But for now, it helps me to look at the whole picture. 

A friend from where I used to live lost her husband at a very young age (33), she is 47 now.  She remarried one of my best friends from high school, and loves pets, and she totally "gets" how losing a pet after a major loss resonates on a whole different level.  She even offered to fly out to be with me when the time comes. :)  She was one of those who came to help me move out when I left my ex.  They may not be here, but I have great friends!

I also have gotten so much support here, it's a safe place to come whatever wacky thing I may be feeling, to find wisdom and no judgment.  So thank YOU. 

He sounds beautiful.  Green eyes on cats is so pretty and the orange must really bring them out.

I don't pay a lot of attention to current events, too depressing and there isn't a whole lot I can do about the state of things.  Best to worry about what you can control and do something about.  I consider my dog my protection, he is huge and people are scared of him.  Funny, I initially got him to protect me from my now exhusband.  That's my gun, friend and sweetheart, all in one.  :)

I agree with your friend, dealing with a loss and then facing another, it can feel overwhelming.  I have deep sympathy for the posters that are trying to rebuild financially, career-wise, emotionally.  Life with a disordered person seems to affect so many different aspects of our lives.  In that movie, Enough, where Jennifer lurchlookalike is leaving her abusive husband, she is living on the streets for a bit and then her dad gets a ton of money to her.  Wouldn't that be nice?  lol  Only in movies... .  real life takes a bit longer that two hours.

Hope you are having a peaceful day. 

Hello all,

After several unexpectedly happy and peaceful days, my kitty has been struck with diarrhea.  I try to keep him clean but bathing a cat is a two-person job and I have no one who could help me.  I'll spare you the details but I had to bring him by the vet's boarding area for them to bathe him... .  clumping litter and liquids on his feet = problem.

I spent my whole morning on this, I have a business engagement tonight and this weekend, and I am worried to death.  If the diarrhea doesn't stop I'm not sure how I can keep on top of it (he is on medication for it but it will take a while.)

Ex has been very supportive.  I'm just feeling very scared and overwhelmed.  I am also struggling with kind of deja-vu panic--this reminds me of extreme caretaking I had to do with my ex when he had low blood sugar episodes in the middle of the night.  Bless my cat, he doesn't scream at me that I'm doing everything wrong. 

I just want my little one to be content and peaceful in the time he has left, but this has started to really consume me, and I'm designing my life around him... .  part of me thinks that is more than fair for 19 years of pure love and I am happy to do it, but the  my-issues from my ex are making this harder than it used to be.

Thanks all for your continued good wishes. 

I've been wondering how you two have been doing.  Sorry to hear that he has diarrhea and having to bathe a cat... .  oh boy.  I'll be sending thoughts of the medicine working and for your peace and comfort.    You are a good Momma. 

I said goodbye to my little guy on Tuesday.  I had been gone over the weekend for business (more on that later) and on Saturday he took a bad turn.  To everyone's surprise, he completely rallied and was fine later that day and Sunday.  But Monday when I got him home, his back legs were giving him trouble and he looked like he was feeling pretty bad.  The next day, he was worse, and his front legs were now showing reduced motor skills.  The vets were very, very kind, and his passing was so swift and easy that I felt it was the perfect time.  A day more and I'd be kicking myself for making him suffer; a day sooner, I'd have wondered if he would rally again. 

It's an empty house without him.  But he gave me a gift:  See, like perhaps some others here, I tend to look for things to beat myself up with, to make me feel miserable.  I can't think of a single damned thing with him.  Not one.  I did everything I could, I made all my choices based on what was best for him, and I loved him and told him so and showed him every single day.  I was a wonderful kitty momma, and he gave me so much love in return.  Mixed in with the sorrow is peace. 

Changed4safety, I'm so very sorry.        I have been following your story and have been pulling for your little guy. I'm an animal lover myself and two years ago had to say good-bye to my beloved dog.  Our animal friends do bring us a lot of love.  Please know I'm thinking of you. 

Aw, Changed.   :'(

I am just heartbroken for your loss.  I'm glad the end was as peaceful as possible for both of you.  You were an amazing kitty mommy, and you took care of your little guy in the best possible way.  I know he was a special boy and you are going to miss him deeply.

I'll be thinking of you.    

I feel with you, Changes4safety! 

You could be with him a long time and he had a peaceful end. I am with you in my thought.

It's weird but... .  I am struggling with how peaceful I feel about this.  I'm used to anguished wails of grief, figural chest-beating and hair-tearing, guilt, shame, and "I should haves."  That's how I've always dealt with bad things before. 

Is... .  is this how normal people deal with things?  o.O

I guess I've lived so long, first with my mother and then with my exBPD, I don't know how to be just "sad" without feeling guilt or shame or anguish.  It feels... .  disrespectful.  I get a few "hits" during the day (opening my door and not finding him there meowing for breakfast, not seeing him curled up on the couch, not having him greet me when I come through the door and call for him when I've been out.)  But mostly just peace, gratitude for having him, and a sort of excitement at the future.  I'm not responsible to anyone now but myself.  I feel... .  like he didn't matter to me if I feel that way, but it feels so good.

Beautiful and 

I'm so sorry for your loss.    Your thoughts are very encouraging, I want to be like you when I grow up.