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I've had very frequent and consistent problems with my DBF remembering things I've or others have said and/or done completely differently than what actually happened (or even just changing one word of what was said which entirely changes the meaning). Along the same lines is the complete misinterpretation of what was meant by what was said, and then disbelief at the clarification, or anger at "well why didn't you say it that way in the first place?"

The bigger of the two problems though for me is the first, as it feeds into his suspicions of me lying. Does anyone else experience this, and if so how do you deal with it? Thanks 

-Tigerabbit

My stb exBPDw always remembers things differently or hears things differently.  The other day I had to take my daughter to practice because she was sick and it was her week with her.  She texted me thanks... .  I replied "anything for our daughter"... .  all hell broke loose ... .  she was of course anything for her you never would do anything for me ... .  you will never change.  I honestly meant I would do anything our daughter needed... .  it's scary how their minds work

Cal644 -

Your comment raises another question for me. Is it healthy, and if so to what extent, to think ahead about how we phrase things such as your example and how they might perceive them, or is that just avoidance and an enabling behavior? My instinct tells me there is a happy medium to this... .  we obviously don't want to blurt out just anything that comes to our minds, and with anyone it's wise to think about how we are phrasing things, but it brings to mind walking on eggshells if you're constantly worrying how they might take anything you say.

I can't tell you how many times innocent comments by me or someone else are taking as offesive.  I don't know if we can ever say the right thing 100% of the time.  She used to say I would never ask her how her day went (which was a lie) so then I would ask how did your day go - her responce "can't you just let me be" - you ask me questions all the time and don't give me time to breathe ... .  of course this is during the time I was painted black

Oh my gosh yes, I've experience that exact thing! They ask you to do something, and then when you comply and do what they've expressed they want it's wrong. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I wonder if there is a solid explanation as to why they do that... .  so frustrating, and hurtful. It makes me feel completely inadequate, like nothing I do is ever good enough (and that has been blatantly expressed to me, as well).

Mine has a whole history of us where he remembers things differently.

Fortunately he is also very generous at forgiving my "wrongs" as long as I stop doing them. 

It is a normal part of the disorder. the thing is to accept this going to happen and let if pass,. If you rush in to challenge everying you will end up in endless escalating conflict.

This twisting of reality often leads to what is known as "gaslighting", this is when someone is so convincing in their version of the truth that you start to doubt your own. It is a form of brainwashing, and leaves you feeling very insecure. Result is you are always giving them the benefit of the doubt in situations where really there is no doubt.

The distorted recollections are common.  Many members here keep a journal or diary to help us stay grounded in what really happened, what was said, etc. 

The similarities of BPD are absolutely amazing when you consider the differences in the personality and intelligence of the people who are affected. My BPDW is very intelligent and gifted in many ways. But under the grips of BPD (w/NPD traits) her facial expression is dull, her eyes have lost all twinkle and she is physically awkward and clumbsy. She regularly and totally misunderstands simple communication and many times comprehends exactly the opposite of what was said. And to exasperate further, she insists she is 100% correct. Her memory is very confused or not working at all. We have had a new phone# for 3 months now, and she doesn't have the faintest idea of what it is, even though she has called it or had to reference it many, many times. Sometimes she will call and ask what day it is. It has gotten to the point that I wonder if she is much more than BPD. We have had all sorts of physical and neurological testing and nothing. I am starting to think this is the onset of some sort of insanity. This is quite a journey, and it's sad.

My uBPDh can invent a completely different version of a conversation we had in the past to "prove" that I did something wrong or he didn't do something wrong.  He's adamant that his version is correct, saying that he should record our conversations so that he can play them back for me!  I often wish our lives were on DVR so we could just rewind and replay something that happened earlier, because it's so frustrating that these misunderstandings happen all the time.  But in reality, no matter what we do or say or don't do or say, it will be misconstrued.  No way around it.

  Daylily

I find that I don't even have to say anything for a new version of events to be invented. BPDso often tells me that I told him to do or not do something when I haven't even said anything at all. I think part of it is that he anticipates what he think I will say and then really thinks i said it. I have found that his compulsive lying leads him to have a completely different reality. He REALLY thinks things have happened, when they haven't. It gets real interesting when his mom is around, because I highly suspect that she is NPD and a compulsive liar as well. Oh Who to Believe?

I've discovered over the years that my BPDh remembers almost ALL experiences completely different than how they actually occured.  As an example when we were having a "discussion about issues", at his request, the other night and he was complaining about me trying to control him I told him verbatim "I realize that I do sometimes try to control you, and often it is because you have said incredibly hurtful things to me in the past when you're in a rage and you broke my heart, so I've learned to try to control you to avoid you hurting me".  He SWEARS what I really said verbatim was "you are a horrible, horrible monster and I have never loved you".

My BPDh will bring something up out of the blue when he's angry, like "that thing you did when my father died really affected me", then he won't tell me what it is I did, nor do I have a clue! It's like little things he can "hold over my head" or something, I don't know. I used to let it really get to me and wrack my brain trying to figure out what I did, but now I just chalk it up to his distorted reality... .  sometimes I feel crazy!

I think you have seen that yes, we all have experienced it! And it is crazy-making 

But what can you do about it?

First, don't invalidate. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) If you try to FIGHT his view of reality you make the situation worse.

Second, accept that his mind just does this to him.

Third, don't question your own sanity. Believe your reality, not his. (Keeping a journal helps.)

Finally, pick your battles and pick methods that will make things better. In many cases, making your life with him work for you won't actually require having him remember things correctly.

Getting a compromise with him on things that matter to you is plenty of work. Don't add to a difficult job by "correcting his memory" just because.

Yes, mine did the same thing to me all the time. Making mountains out of ant hills. Changing your words around.

Yes.  Often what they 'heard' is darker than what was said.  Or they remember something THEY said in a much nicer way.  Mine also hears and sees things that didn't happen, only when in a dark mood.  Makes counseling difficult because they have an alternate explanation SO quickly, it almost seems like they are secretly geniuses of manipulation.

Without a doubt, my uBPDw will distort history in order to cover the consequences of her chaotic episodes.  When she becomes disregulated for whatever reason, she does not want to be held accountable for the outcome.  She might deny her actions that were plainly witnessed by someone else who reports them to me and then accuse them of lying.  Then she'll accuse me of being a bad husband for trusting a friend or acquaintance instead of my wife.  The consequences for chaotic behavior consequences can be broken friendships, financial distress, or legal problems. This behavior, I believe, is part of the disorder.  Alcohol and drug abuse amplifies the chaotic behavior which makes for more lies. It can be very frustrating, because if you confront the person head on about this behavior it gets you nowhere.  It can also make you question your own memory and your own sanity which is bad.  Perception has a subjective element to it, it's true, but when it comes down things like, ":)id she or did she not have sex with my neighbor?" that should be black and white.  Anyway, he says he did and she says she did not.  Super.

My approach to this issue:

Stay sober and keep a journal.  Remember that there are a lot of things that truly are subjective, so it is not OK to be on a high horse. Do take care to set and defend the boundaries you think are appropriate.

Yup, this happens all the time. Usually it's that he thinks I said/did something when the reality is that he accused me of saying/doing that thing. So, for example: he'll say "You're always telling me I'm stupid and that you should just leave me. Just last week you told me that." Reality: last week he was upset about something and HE said, "I feel stupid, I know you think I'm stupid, you should just leave me." ME: I do not think you're stupid, etc. Nope, apparently I keep telling him he's inadequate. Clearly more validation is required here. So frustrating.

I often wish I had a videocamera or tape recorder. Sadly I can relate to this too.

He has amnesia after certain things. Why are they like this?

Do they have real memory issues?

What is going on?

Yes, this happens to me a lot also.  He imagines I say things all the time.  Sometimes they are even nice things, so I happily take the credit for those ones, but the flipside is when his mind twists my words around and he thinks I was attacking him. 

He also reads so much into body language and facial expressions.  He can make a whole story up, about what a person is thinking about him, by how they look at him.  It's scary sometimes, because if I'm not smiling, then he gets worried. 

A little while ago, we were having a dinner party, and the next day he called one of my friends up, who was at the party.  He asked her, did she notice my teenage daughter "smirking" at him, during one of his conversations at the table.  She reassured him that my daughter was not smirking at him.  It was bizare behaviour, and he has never bought that up to me for whatever reason.

This posts resonates so much with me.  I went through different phases, so I think it's worth sharing as it touches on so many previous posts:

Stage 1: Saying anything that pops up in my mind

- NOT GOOD.  But I didn't know he's uBPD.

- Says spiteful things to "get back" at him, which would probably anger "normal" people as well.

Stage 2: Eggshells

- Thinking, planning, practising what I'm going to say- constantly in fear

- No way to live, damanging to my spirit!

Stage 3: Learning about mindfulness

- The mid-way I guess; not so much reacting (or imagining his perceived response) but to think what do I want out of saying x?

- Weighing the pros and cons, and how to speak up when issues arise.

- Reminding myself not to nag (say something once, then drop it.  Don't say something more than once a day.)

I find this article helpful: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

Finally, I have learnt that he may interpret my words and actions in any way which I may not agree with or it may not be rational, but I can't help it.  If such situations arise, I just tell him my original intention and drop it.  If he doesn't believe me there is nothing I can do.

Yup, it is frustrating. Incredibly.


There is a better way to deal with it than that. You got caught up in wanting to be right. (I've been there. The easiest way to push my buttons is to tell me what I'm thinking and get it wrong!) So you said something that is invalidating.

Telling him that he's wrong when he says he's stupid doesn't help him.

Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) in this situation would be saying something more like "It must be terrible to feel like you are stupid" or "It must be awful to think that I want to leave you, etc."

Those responses show that you HEARD what he was saying and you understand him. (Not that his distorted messed-up view of the world is correct)

Well... .  I see that this is indeed a common thread among our beloved pwBPD! The most gut-wrenching thing that he remembers I said differently was during a break of ours after he had gone to another woman and then decided he wanted me back. I was so hurt and trying to move on from him at the time that I wanted nothing to do with him, and he came to me saying he was more suicidal than he had ever been. I said to him, and I remember it clearly, "that's not my fault." (I feel awful enough that I didn't take it seriously, but I was absolutely convinced that he was merely using it to manipulate me and felt very resentful to him for trying to control me after what I felt he had done to me). He SWEARS up one side and down the other that I said "it's not my problem." I know I didn't WOULDN'T say that, and yet he claims to have such a clear recollection of it that it has made me question my memory of it and myself as a moral person. And of course he gets angry when I deny it (I know better now). My heart hurts so much for him that he has to think and feel these things... .  the validation for that is absolutely true and genuine... .  how awful it must be for him to have that memory.

Thank you for sharing that article, Chosen. Very helpful!

Ah, but Grey Kitty, you'd be caught on that one as well! Because as soon as I pick up on the "It must be terrible to think you're stupid." I get: "I don't think I'm stupid - YOU think I'm stupid!" or "I dont THINK you're going to leave me - you SAID that!" It's the memory trick kicking in again. And if I don't tell him right away that I don't think he's stupid (or whatever it is) then, no matter what I DO say, I get "See you DO think I'm stupid, you didn't disagree with me!"    Crazy-making for sure! Thankfully these rants are generally few and far between. ugh. So far I've come up with gently correct, validate how he feels, suggest a compromise about our interpretations of the 'facts' ("I know you feel badly about x, it must be really hard to feel so down about x, I know sometimes I don't communicate very well and I'll try to do better so that you you don't end up being hurt by my careless ranting, please tell me if I say something upsetting so that I'll know right away.) Of course, trying to stay calm in the face of baseless accusations is a trick unto itself. I'm learning (slowly)!

Yup, validation is tricky stuff. If he's insisting that you said something or thought something you are probably best off aiming for the root fear.

My usual technique on that one was pretty blunt. "It isn't fair to tell me what I'm thinking." was on the polite side for me :) I guess I made a boundary of I won't discuss it with you when you are telling me what is in my mind. But I had to--this stunt would set me off pretty quickly.

There are people here who are waaaaaay better than I am at it. (fortunately!) If you are having real troubles, a "How do I validate X" thread here can be real productive and interesting.

Hmm... .  my wife isn't making me work as hard at validation anymore. I think I need to see if I can work on my father-in-law next. He has a talent for jumping to the wrong conclusion and insisting on applying it to me. I seem to have a talent for setting him off when I think he's being foolish. Since I don't want to set him off, I need a better way to communicate with him. Validation couldn't hurt here either:)

I cannot tell you how relieving it was to read this post.  I have noticed that my fiancee with BPD remembers things differently AND out of order.  The idea of keeping a journal never occurred to me.  But my concern is what happens when I try to use it, or do I not use it?  I hate to say it but I can already hear the argument about how I must have written it down to make myself look better.  If nothing else it was a great relief to know that it's not just me or her and that others have/are experiencing it.

oh cal, i feel your thoughts. SO many details are twisted to the point where i thought i was having a conversation with 2 different people at the same time.

Take door #2 if you want to improve your situation.

Having a record for yourself, just so YOU can keep things straight in your head is really useful. (I thought I remembered a workshop in the lessons about gaslighting here, but I can't find it now. I did find a few threads (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161413.0) about gaslighting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161560).)

Using it to "prove" that your partner is making crap up / messing with your mind is just invalidating, and will make your relationship worse. And it probably won't work either.

If you are secure in your version of reality, you won't need to convince your partner. This is a good thing, because there ARE plenty of difficult and important things you do need to discus with them most of the time.

I agree with Grey Kitty,

your not likely to win that one, and if you call them on it with a book, it will only make it worse.

When there are two different version to a story, can tell him your version to which he will disagree.  Dont JADE here, you cant convince them they are wrong.  Its just not in their nature.  Validate yourself, you know its true.  I usually just tell my bf, ok... .  I can see how you see it that way.  His answer will be "because im right"  I just say uh huh or ok and drop it.

One of the weirdest thing that happened in my relationship was one of the factors that led to our last break up.  He asked me if my text to him "Bring the drill when you come" was accidently sent to him and meant for someone else.  I NEVER SENT A TEXT SAYING THAT TO ANYONE!  I flat out refused to admit something I didn't do, but I nearly went crazy with his attempt to break me down.

I know this is not exactly what the thread is about, but can I get some feedback on how to handle this type of thing in case it ever happens again?

Thank you!

I just asked this on the leaving board. I'm shocked how many have the same issues with this. I've usually argued in the past. Once time I argued and he said. 'your right" shocking as that may seem. Perhaps he's more high functioning, i don't know. But since he split me I don't expect he'd ever say "your right" again unless he unsplit me. I'm leaving, but I'm not fully convinced he won't be back, not that I would take him back and be in a "relationship" with him, but I would communicate with him and wouldn't want to make things worse. It looks like we're just suppose to go "ok uh huh"... .  that's hard... .  to agree to lies... .  or things you know are false. Couldn't that backfire as well? If you agree, couldn't they say something like... see... .  I told you... .  is there any other ways?

Yes, same here. The thing that bothers me is he says these lies or exaggeration in front of our kids, usually making up something about my family or stringing together incidents that make them look bad, and making outrageously positive comments about his own family which has had it's own share of mental illness, unfit parenting, legal problems, etc. I don't touch that, but I hate that the kids hear this stuff. I quietly deny it them leave the room. Wish they knew how to stop.

I like that comment about family.  My UBPDW loved my family more than hers - she considered my parents her parents and had absolutely nothing to do with her family.  Now since I turned black - her family is the best ever, they are the only ones that really love her!  Mine are now horrible and the worst of the worst ... .  where hers beat her, abused her,and mine showed her true love and compassion... .  hmmm talk about imaging things!

watch out what you wish for Daylily--my exBPDgf actually recorded our arguments, without my knowledge, onto her iphone. i think she would then play these back when she painted me black to hate me more? i dunno. somehow i figured out she was recording me though and just thought it was silly. i didn't think about it for a while. then, a few weeks/days later we were arguing. i made sure to stay calm, no name calling or anything even though i was angry--but she kept pushing the issue. i tried to walk away and she kept pursuing saying really mean things. i started feeling that she was forcefully trying to get me to blow up... .  then i look and see she's carrying her iphone. SHE WAS PURPOSEFULLY INSTIGATING THE ARGUMENT AND TRYING TO GET ME TO SAY SOMETHING TERRIBLE SO THAT SHE COULD RECORD IT AND PROVE HOW HORRIBLE I WAS! I called her out on it and as soon as i did, argument over. but i was really hurt by that. who does that? your partner may already be recording you... .  who knows... .  

As long as YOU know the truth, notes and journals are good for YOUR purposes only to avoid gaslighting and self doubt

You dont always have to be seen to be right.

Usually less is more, and often a simple smile in response is enough. Even when they are undermining you to someone else. It is not your problem, unless you let it be, that is your CHOICE.

You dont have to overvalidate, do only as much as is effective, it is a choice not an obligation, and can come across as patronizing if you attempt more than feels right

Keep these things in mind and your frustration and resentment will be much less. Which is what we are aiming for. Peace of mind is better than proving to be right.

First of all, in my country and state, it's illegal to record someone without their permission, except in certain circumstances that don't seem applicable here.  But I digress.  Interesting that she was recording herself saying mean things to YOU in an attempt to get you on tape saying mean things to HER.  But I'm sure she wasn't thinking that way.  pwBPD will twist things around to suit their needs.

What's a little interesting is that your post made me think that it might actually help me to presume that he's recording me.  That way, I'll be on my "best behavior" all the time and make sure I use the tools instead of making things worse!  Although I hope someday to progress to the point some of the others on this site have reached, where I don't even have to think about it anymore, I'm not there yet.  I still escalate things at times and I can't say that I validate nearly enough.


Oh, Wave, you are so wise.   |iiii   This is the key.  But it's so hard for me to sit back while misinformation is lurking out there.  I am extremely detail oriented and I'm prone to correct the smallest of errors.  Not to mention that injustice causes a discomfort in me that makes me want to do everything in my power to correct it.  This doesn't translate well to my relationship with my uBPDh. 

  Daylily

Ok. When I came to this forum I came from a loving place.

But just last night he did a new kind of mind game he never did before.

He took all the splitting and cutting off/painting black/mean actions he did and basically said I said/did them!

It melted my brain so much that he switched around everything he said so that I was the one being cruel.

He really hurt my feelings the other night, then last night he re-told the story that I said many mean things.

He then claimed that I didn't remember what I said. I have an excellent memory!

So as you can tell, I am not pandering to him, I feel angry. :breath:

I then blurted out that I didn't want to speak to him unless I have a way to record our conversations as this is just crazy.

I know that was the wrong thing to say, but what am I meant to do? Just take it?

I really do wish I could videotape him, because that is just crazy and it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.

I don't like this as in my original post said he is a moderate BPD, but since his most dramatic split things have taken a nasty turn.

I don't want nasty. i don't want to be in a war like this. I want a stable way of handling this switch-a-roo.

Deep down under my anger I really, really want to do the best by him, and be mature.

Let me quote something similar that I have used on numerous occasions.  I would say, "I realise you are feeling x and you think I did x.  It is ok if that's what you feel, I won't try to change that.  However, what I did/ think is actually x.  I'm not saying you have to change your views but don't put words into my mouth and claim I said it."

This works.  It's because I have validated him, but also stated the truth (so an elaborate version of SET), and I told him I am not trying to change him so he can't argue with that.  And my boundary is "I know my truth, I will not change it".

It's so tricky, isn't it? I think it depends on how the other person's mind works. I do tend to go with a "I'm sorry that I've said something to cause you to feel that way, that wasn't my intention. However, you do not get to tell me what I think." (Assuming I'm in a good mental state - otherwise he just gets the "you don't get to tell me what I think" bit before I make my escape. haha) I've tried the "I realise you are feeling x and you think I did x." but I get the "I don't THINK that - you SAID that" It's nuts. So, yeah, it really depends on your particular pwBPD's mode of thinking. In any event, I think the key is to avoid being 'lit up'!  :)

Oh, I get that a lot too.  He will say "That's not what I'm FEELING, that's a FACT."  Then I will tell him "I understand you see it as a fact.  I'm not trying to change your mind.  However, the fact for me is x."  Same story really- they may get mad because you don't change your mind and agree with them, but they can't blame you for forcing your version of the "truth" on them!

I'm sure most of us have experienced that. Sometimes it goes up once you start changing your patterns of behavior away from enabling. This change is seen as a threat and so it triggers excessive outbursts

I know exactly what you mean.

I was being treated severely harsh at the time.  Some of the things my bf said to me stopped me in my tracks and I could do nothing but go to bed and cry.  The gaslighting, the rage.  It was abusive.

I told him so.

The next argument I get a NASTY letter telling me how abusive I am to him.  How I use him as a punching bag.  I get it now, but back then I could just stare with my mouth open like this.   

Yeah, changing the rules toward healthy behavior makes a pwBPD initially very uncomfortable and brings up worse behaviors.

If this is new to you, read up on extinction bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) and projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0) in the lessons.

I remember stumbling onto projection before I found these boards--it seems like my wife was accusing me of things that I wasn't doing... .  and they were things she WAS doing. It seemed strange... .  but the pattern made me start to wonder. Then I started thinking to myself: Hmm... .  If I get unfounded accusations of something, perhaps I should check into whether she is doing it even though I didn't know about it yet.

When I read up on it, things became much clearer to me.

I know I blame everyone around me for not keeping the house clean when its really myself I want to yell at for it.

I dont try hard enough.  Could that be me projecting my failures on to my family?

Thank you. I wish there were a way to save member names that gave answers/links so I can keep track of the helpful things they say and answers.

It took me a while to remember Grey Kitty" I was thinking Grey Cat... .  said something helpful, where was it again?

:-)

Thanks. Have to go now for today.

That depends if it is really your fault or whether you are feeling like it is your fault (compensating or taking on a feeling of responsibility) when it isnt. You need a clear idea of what is your responsibility and what isn't. You also need to accept what is possible and what is not. To simply draw a 50/50 responsibility line with a pwBPD is unlikely to be achievable.

We all do it to some degree, that is human. But it is not your only way of dealing with your frustrations, then it would be a problem.

As a result of learning how to deal with a pwBPD you will learn a lot about human interactions, especially your own. This is one of the ways it helps YOU to be a better and more mindful person. By learning about projection you will be less likely to do it.

amen waverider!

Oh my gosh, yes... .  I've gotten this exact same kind of thing. Crazy making for sure... .  I've always been at a loss for words when he says something like that. I like the example you gave for how to respond. Another thing I've found helps, which I guess is just a form of validation, is admitting the possibility that I did say it how he remembers it (I'm human too and don't remember things accurately all the time, either, so I think it's healthy to be able to admit that possibility anyway), and then saying "I don't remember saying that, but if I did I'm very sorry that I said something hurtful and it was wrong."

oh yeah, can definitely identify with the ol' changing of facts after the fact :) Tigerrabbit, i would be careful about validating something that you know isn't true though. It's a really good tone of voice you were taking but I think giving in to their untrue beliefs even a little, to get some peace, is the beginning of gaslighting. later on your bf will even be more emboldened when you acknowledge that he could be right even when he isn't in the least.

If there is some truth, it's ok to acknowledge, but say H would be saying to me I don't love him, the only thing I can validate is his feeling that he doesn't feel loved.  However, if I agree to his "truth" (I don't feel loved = my wife doesn't love me), then it's like falling into a trap because I agree with what he said and I admit I don't love him.  Then he can use it against me.

While I can ask him what I can do to help him feel more loved (have used it several times and it's pretty useless to ask, but at least it looks like I'm trying, you know?), I must not agree that I don't love him, or else it's not him putting words in my mouth, it's me admitting.

Cut and paste to a word document on your desk top. I have saved a few light bulb moments this way

That's a great idea, Waverider. Thanks for that!

You can break it down into topic folders if you like such as Projection, Boundaries, etc  It all depends how academic you want to be. After all that is what you would be doing if you were studying it as an education course. Write your own manual if you like and update & edit it as you read something else that is relevant to your situation

This also helps sort the useful advice from the just venting aspects

I have heard of people having mantras as their desktop on slideshow function. Bit OTT for me, but some people like Mantras.

Beware of information overload though, get too obsessed about solving the problems can in itself become a problem. Dont let it take over your life more than it has to.

You're on a roll, Waverider! haha... .  thank you for pointing that out, too. That's something I could actually see myself doing in my desperation to improve my situation and hang on to him (I'm highly codependent... .  going to my first CoDA meeting tomorrow night in fact). I have been trying to remind myself as much as possible lately, as difficult as it is, that I really need to focus on myself and not get too wrapped up in trying to fix/understand him/us first. Individuals are the foundations of relationships, so the healthier I am the more solid my portion of the foundation is and the more I can contribute anyway!  :)

BPD is like a rainbow, there seems no end to it and you can drive yourself nuts trying to find the end of it. There is more to life than rainbows.

Does no harm to even ban yourself from these boards every now and then. Every couple of weeks we go fishing for the weekend somewhere where there is no net coverage, so grounding

On another note pwBPD are not stable structured people, hence they admire those qualities in other people that they lack themselves (even if they dont openly admit it). So the more you are affected by the disorder and the more you are absorbed by the disorder the more you become like them and the less you become what they would aspire to be, and the less desirable you are.

You need to stay the contrast to their disorder, or you will be nothing to aspire to.

   This is almost a daily occurrence with me.  She my W will throw in things I need to know with all the other less important rambling.  I then will only remember part of something.  Later I am accused of not listening.  Recently her friend and I have compared stories.  I get told that her friend said "XYZ" and find out it was never said or its been said but totally different. 

    Take notes.  Write down what she says and later when she says she told you different you have a resorce to fall back on. 

   It is frustrating.  She will blame my mothers Diabetes for my mother being forgetful.  When indead my W did not relay the info needed. 

that happened to me - and I had a text to prove it.  My soon to be ex W told me that I told her I wanted her to order cookies for our daughters bday (her college does that) ... .  so the day before her bday my wife asked if she should order cookies for her and we would split it.  I told her I sent the form in for me 3 weeks ago - she called me a lier that I had asked her to send them for the both of us... .  Then I forwarded her the text... .  boy did that paint me blacker

It's OK to say "well, I remember things differently, so we'll just have to agree to disagree."

The other person may not like that. You may have to disengage and use boundary skills. But it's a fair thing to do and keeps you grounded in sanity.

This is so interesting, wave.  pwBPD try so hard to get us triggered so we act like we're the crazy ones.  But at the same time, they don't respect us when we do that.

Yep and thats were it falls apart if you live your life reactively trying to fit around them. You need to get yourself grounded and stable before anything can change.

They dont like themselves so if you ended up becoming more like them, why would they respect you? Why do they want you to be more like them then? Because they dont want to be alone in crazy town, so if you are there it "normalizes' and validates them, but not in a constructive way.

This is the problem with BPD, the coping methods are usually destructive rather than constructive, as they have difficulty stringing cause and effect together

It is, by far what I struggle most with... .  his recollection of a conversation will be just different enough to make it seem like I'm retarded.  It happens so often that I should be at a point that I can let it roll, but it's always an assault on my integrity and he knows that is a hot button for me.  I have to figure out a way for it not to be a button and that's tough. 

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Thanks

Waverider