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Well I have been setting some boundaries with my borderline and its resulted in threats. He has started talking to other women. Like i said in a post earlier this week he has been acting out and lighting a fire under me all week. He has been wanting me to beg to him all week. Well he told me he was done with me. Now he has contacted my children's father tried telling him junk about me that's all twisted and not true and told him he could help him take my kids away from me. Now he has threatened to sue me for 4500 that he gave me a long time ago toward my car. He has also said I will be walking. That I will loose everything. I don't like this threat game.

It sounds like bullying and scare tactics - hugs Chattgirl   .  Basically - he didnt get what he wanted so now he is throwing a tantrum.  (search on extinction burst)

Words are just that - words.  Do protect yourself if a lawsuit actually materializes (unlikely).

Then get together with some friends and/or family that can provide you some support.  Make sure you are getting sleep, eating well - exercise helps.

Stressful times.  You can post what you are going through if you like - its a way to share and talk about it with people that have been in your shoes.

This is common once a boundary is set.  You have to stay strong, and consistent in your boundary.

He knows that you don't like them. You have changed the game on him. It is making him uncomfortable. He is reacting to that.

Do be aware, do take any real precautions that you can / need to.

But mostly stick with your boundaries. If you cave now, you risk giving him what is called "intermittent reinforcement" i.e. the sort of payoff that slot machines give. It will (in effect) teach him that he can do this and get the results he wants from you.

Things should start getting better next if you stay firm.

As everyone else has said, you must stay strong now.  People with BPD do not like to encounter boudaries and often react negatively to them.  Stay centered, post here.  If he sues, go get a civil litigation attorney to protect your rights. 

If you give in to the boundary-busting, bullying tactics you will have to start all over.

What boundaries is he reacting to?

I have been setting a lot of boundaries in the last month. Most of them are about not chasing and begging to him. Not calling and chasing him when he hangs up on me. The most recent was when he got made at me for not calling and texting and begging to him so he contacted his ex AGAIN. We can't seem to keep any of the exs gone. I have not been chasing him even though he was talking to women so he keep upping the ante on me. Now he changed his number and has been talking to other women on the phone . We have had contact thru email. There are a couple new threats today. He said that he was so mad there was no telling what he might do. We usually eat dinner together on my break from work. When I got out on dinner break I saw a missed call from a blocked number on my phone. I looked around everywhere when I left work and when I pulled up to go get something to eat he pulled up behind me. My gut was to jump back in the car and get out of there. He went the other direction. I don't think he meant me harm .He was probably trying to smooth his way back in. I actually kinda felt bad after I ran off but he had made threats to me.  I had allready told him I wouldn't have anything else to do with him until I saw his phone records. He said ok I'm done. Well it's been silence every since. I'm sure he doesn't want to take responsibility for his indiscretions AGAIN. The thing I didn't like about it is that he showed up but was still blocking his number, hadn't showed me the phone bill, and had not announced himself. He is real bad to just show up and never tell me he's coming to meet me. He has watched me come in and out of my work a couple times from adjacent parking lots. I just panicked or something. We have been together five years but his behavior is escalating. It's been bad since one year but this last year has been awful. I think my pulling away and setting boundaries has made it much worse.

Hugs chattgirl.



Very difficult and emotional times.  (more hugs   )

A couple of thoughts:

First is that you are changing the rules and no longer playing into an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship.  Meaning that the relationship you describe that you had... .  you chasing him, begging him, allowing him to do whatever he wants, was NOT a healthy relationship for you.

So although you miss him and would like to be in a relationship with him, its vitally important for your own health that you qualify this thought with something like:  'I want to be in a relationship with him, but only if its a HEALTHY one' 

Because you do need to love yourself (which in turns means taking care of yourself, and your own emotional health).

Having said that - well done on setting the boundaries and sticking to them!  My read is this:  He is clearly seeing/talking/interacting other women and refuses to admit it.  He doesnt want to show the phone records because they will incriminate him (but at this stage it doesnt matter... .  you already know the answer so its not even worth pressing the specific issue).  Lines like 'he is so mad there is no telling what he might do'  Is a flag.   red-flag

He is angry and in typical fashion, blaming you for the cause of all this anger and hurt.  Given he is STALKING you by calling you on a blocked number and watching you go to and leave work, and showing up unannounced - you have to put a plan in place to protect yourself.  You cant ignore these actions!  And you have to be careful not to feed them to where it escalates even worse.

It sounds like he has never had to take responsibility for his own actions before, and you are enforcing boundaries that he isnt used to having enforced.  Its very possible he will just move to the next victim (going back with ex's, etc) to get what he wants - which although might be crushing emotionally to you, would at the same time be very telling of what he genuinely wants in a relationship (someone to bully and intimidate?)

Keep posting and letting us know whats happening.  Review the safety plan for DV (some good concepts in there to have just in case)

I would advise that you set some boundaries about how to interact.  Maybe send him an email letting him know that you have enjoyed and appreciated the continued communications, but that showing up at work unannounced, watching you go to/from work, calling on blocked numbers is NOT acceptable and you wont engage if that happens.  And that if they continue then they will have to be reported (this is tricky because it might trigger even higher escalation, so lets hear what the others say... .  delivery is everything)

AND - I strongly advise that you contact your local DV hotline and describe the situation.  They will be able to review it all for you and give some good advice for navigating through it.  It will be documented, and its just a good idea for protecting your own safety.  (a 'just in case' task that will be there in your back pocket should you ever need it)

More hugs.   

Yes, abusive situations do tend to escalate over time. That is one reason to be very cautious right now and make sure you have safety plans in place and get in contact with a local domestic violence hotline.

Yes, setting boundaries (and sticking to them) will usually (always?) cause a negative reaction. Have you read the workshop on extinction bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) yet?

 Take care of yourself. Stay strong. Things will get better.