BPDFamily.com

Ok.  Brief run down.  I have posted now on all portions of this site.  Love this place. 

Married ten years in this Oct.  She has bipolar but after reading this group, I wonder about there being more.  Been to marriage counseling four times.  I was called "normal". She has been on 150mg three x a day for about two years.  She is better and has not turned into her old serial killer personality since.  Was doing better with the lies and money.  However everything always turns back to being about her. 

Since I put her on the spot and mentioned leaving she has been decluttering  our home of stuff I never knew we had.  Tossing it or selling it.  House has been spotless,  no more internet addiction.  She has been kissing my tail.  Sex is still three times a day!  She been better with our kids' too. 

Question :  Why?  Why is she doing all this?  Its great but I see it as a front. She still lies!  Her best friend ... .  who she is loosing... .  and I have caught her in big lies three or four times this week.  Its little stuff but significant.   Its not needed.  My wife also is going out of her way to be interested in my hobbies.     

   I know if I say... .  okay lets get back to normal... .  six months later we will be back to clutter, bigger lies and more finance problems.   

LH, we need to be mindful of how their words equal the actions. If they don't add up then something is not right and you have a right to question her motives.

Firstly, she fears abandonment - she could be using sex to self soothe and to please you, clean the house etc. She also fears intimacy (reminding ourselves that sex and intimacy are two different things) and engulfment - which are complete opposites to abandonment.

This causes a push/pull and unstable behavior.

What did you do about the lies?

The sex has always been the same.  We have always had s great sex life.  Up until recently I had no idea the roll it played.  She can be intimate also.  But as of late she mauls me with hugs and I love yous.   It has become  a push pull.  I do not want to like her.  Yet i get pulled in by the sex.  It complicates things. 

What do I do?

Lies:  she has always lied.  Exaggerated stories and tries to run a conversation with swayed facts.  Before her lithium she was really bad.  If there was a family function and she messed up the times every one else got the blame. 

In regarding her lies between me and her friend... .  we cant tell her.  My W does not know we even speak.   Her friend had to turn off her FB account because everytime she liked something my wife would call her.  Her friend has become my friend.  I would also be lying if I said we have not developed feelings toward one another.  But the friend

Sees who my W is now.  Friend says I do not deserve to be living a life like this.  Friend is also married and not likely to leave what shes got. 

Hi Lost_husband... . Your wife reminds me so much in ways of EXTREME behavior and Obsessive Compulsive/Controlling the environment of my uBPDso... .  If my uBPDso would do all that your w has done after being in counseling, on meds and telling him that I am ready to leave... .  I wouldn't believe it either. It is just the "other extreme" and an OC fix, imho... .  at least that is what I think it is for my uBPDso.

She may feel controlled by you and throw that in your face when the resentment that "she HAD to change" for you doesn't work out for her. With her OC, this may work for a while.

Has counseling been suggested FOR her alone? Or like other pwBPD, does she "not have the problem" and it is all you?

Learning how NOT to ride the emotional BPD rollercoaster of emotions has helped me the most. The push/pull including the sex was most awful for me as well... .  Sex usually is pretty fantastic (passionate and wild) with our pwBPD... .  

Take care of yourself and BE CAREFUL of starting a relationship with the "friend", it is SO easy to "fall for" someone who is giving us the respect, nurturing and affirmation that our pwBPDs CANNOT. Good luck... .  

    She has in the past throw it back in my face.  I am waiting for the breaking point in her OC "high"

    We have gone together twice to see the MC but separate one time each. I was referred to as "Normal" and told I do not deserve such treatment.  This was in especial consideration of my job which is Law Enforcement.  Some of the things I deal with at work are VERY stressful.  Yet at work i can let it slip by with no problem.  But when I come home it is entirely different reaction.  My home can be very stressful. 

     After she got back from her individual appointment I asked her what all had been said.  I could tell she was lying and that the meeting with the MC did not go her way.  But through her lies she made the entire session out to be she was a great person who needed a little work, on how to deal with me.   

     She had been going to see a P prior to our agreement to do MC.  She started to go upon my request after a series of small financial meltdowns she had. However she has since stopped seeing the P because she is retiring.  (allegedly) 

   How not to ride the roller coaster... .  or become part of it.  Some days i feel like I am spiraling down the same path.  I read some of the articles on here and notice some similarities in myself.  I know better that that's not me.  I take the surveys and they generally are negative in their results. 

    So do i just quit the sex cold turkey?  Gee that will suck! 

      Trying... .  but this is hard... .  not to fall for the support.

LH, it might be worth having a think about why sex is so important while the r/s is so tumultuous - sex and intimacy are two very different things.

It is possible for sex to be too important in a r/s where all the other dynamics go completely out the window. It makes it a one dimensional r/s and limiting.