BPDFamily.com

I'm happy to report that I met someone in church (my ex was an atheist) and we have a very close and healthy relationship. My gf is divorced from a depressed ex-husband and had a few similar issues, but not as severe.

Hi StressedinCleveland,

Congratulations! How long have you been dating her? Is she recently out of her r/s with her ex husband?

I'm dating someone who is divorcing -- where I live you have to wait a year from filing before the divorce is final. So he's still freshly divorcing, and his ex suffers from depression too. I've been out of my marriage to N/BPDxh for 2.5 years, and it took me a full 2 years before I could even begin to think about dating.

Do you mind if I ask you what makes you feel that you're in a healthy r/s?

I separated in-house from my BPDw and hired a lawyer in May 2011. I met my future gf after I started attending a Unitarian church in 2010 and later started singing with the choir, which gf also does. We had a platonic friendship at first, and started swapping "war stories". Her divorce was final December 2010. We were already falling in love by our first date in May 2011. (We went to see "Bridesmaids" --highly recommended.)

I was well aware of the pitfalls of low expectations from 27 years of being beaten down. "You mean you'd rather have a good time and smile and laugh than complain and stir up drama? Wow, what a coincidence! Me too!" We had both spent many years giving love to someone who could not reciprocate. Being with someone who could reciprocate was mind blowing.

We enjoy many different activities together. With my encouragement, she is going back to school to get a nursing degree. We have vacationed with each others' families and everyone  accepts our relationship. It was hardest with our children, of course. My son is closer to my gf than he is with his mother, which is not actually saying that much since they are estranged.

I had no affection, let alone intimacy, with my ex-wife (recovered pwBPD). I had tremendous skin hunger, not having had a loving touch of any kind in 27 years. I was afraid I had forgotten how to kiss, because the ex never allowed open mouth kissing.

Restraint was difficult when I began dating a friend I had been confiding in at church (OK, maybe it was an emotional affair). But restraint was difficult for her too. I think affectionate touching and kissing are basic human needs. I can't tell you how much better I feel emotionally and physically having this in my life for the first time since the disco era.

That's funny! I joined a UU church too after leaving N/BPDxh. I really needed to connect with a caring, understanding, community, and N/BPDxh drilled atheism into S11's head, so we needed somewhere that S11 could be what he was, and people would accept him. It's been wonderful.

I've been enjoying other things you've posted on different threads, so thanks for coming back to share how things are going for you now. I do think there is potential (at least for me) to get a bit neurotic about healing, so I'm very consciously just letting things go day by day with my new guy, trying to not over think. Enjoy each other's company, watch my boundaries, and be open to the possibility of falling in love again (thousands of dollars in therapy later).

27 years is a long time to be beaten down. For me it was 10, and I felt like a trauma survivor after only a decade. New guy was married for 20 years to someone who suffered from depression, and then an affair. I can relate to what you say about the joy of reciprocating. And what a pleasure to be with someone who doesn't have weird and scary emotional reactions to things.

I'm glad to hear you say that your son is close to your gf. How old is he? Mine is 11, and I while I worry that he hasn't had a good male role model in his life, I don't plan to introduce new guy and S11 for a long time. Eventually, it would be great to find out that they got along.

My ex was a rabid atheist too. I truly think it is because she cannot accept any Higher Power other than Herself.


The UU church is great for people in various kinds of recovery and it's no coincidence that many recovery and support groups meet at the church. There are more people in need of counseling than the pastor can provide, so there is a lay committee to provide emotional support to members.


Truthfully, it's hard to visit here and read all the posts from people living in BPD hell so soon after making my escape. It's two years and I still have to deal with the ex in divorce court and we are cooperating to sell the house. No picnic, I assure you!


As I mentioned in another thread, I got shooed away from therapy because I am too normal. I guess I never bought in to whatever disorder my wife was trying to sell me on.


The full BPD symptoms only lasted 14 years or so. Now she only has a character disorder. Not that that's all that much better, really.

New guy was married for 20 years to someone who suffered from depression, and then an affair. I can relate to what you say about the joy of reciprocating. And what a pleasure to be with someone who doesn't have weird and scary emotional reactions to things.


My son is 24. I think it would be easier for him if he had someone in his life right now. He has trouble with the concept that of his old fat ugly father landing a woman whereas a young and handsome and successful guy like himself is alone.

You should bring your bf around the UU church so your son could get to know him as part of the church family first.

I'm kind of stuck on this one. On one hand, I'd like to wait a year or so before introducing someone to my son. But S11 is with N/BPDxh only 4 hours during the day on Sat, and 4 hours Sunday. It really puts a damper on dating!

I don't see why your BF can't attend adult services, and be introduced as a friend (which is not a lie). As long as you refrain from public displays of affection (that would be hard for me, because I'm a hugger!) there should not be any trauma. I don't see why you and bf can't sit together in the sanctuary while S11 is in his Sunday school class? I could see this working easily in my UU church, but maybe yours is too small or structured differently.

I couldn't imagine trying to carry on a relationship with someone I couldn't even go to church with! That must be tough on you.