BPDFamily.com

Well as the title says.

I just can't seem to get to that happy place again. I'm hoping it's because its finally settling in my head deep down that he isn't going to be there.

Treated me so bad at the end, yet I still hold on some what? 

I'm just hurting so much, and I don't know what to do?

Would have been easier if he said he cheated or something.

I so wish I had the words to fix this for you - alas, there are none.

I am almost 4 months out (but the first month was spent in shock and denial, I didn't even register we'd broken up)

It DOES get easier, that I promise you.

When other people said that, I always thought "No it DOESN'T! You don't know what we had!  She was my absolute WORLD!"

When you hear little snippets of what they're up to, it destroys you.

You wonder how you're hardly functioning, yet they seem fine and are moving on with life.

Today I heard that my ex (yes, remember, just 4 months ago we were still together!) has BOOKED her wedding to her new fiancee.

And you know what? I actually laughed a bit at how crazy this all was.

It made me realise she is NOT right.

And it didn't hurt as much as I had thought. I just keep reminding myself of all the bad things, and how this new girl thinks she has it all right now... .  poor girl just doesn't know what she's in for!

Little comfort I know.

But things do get easier.  I know you won't believe me. I didn't believe anyone either.

xxx

Breaking up is so hard to do, it is never ever easy... .  it will take time. I think you need to focus on you, what keeps you happy, do something for yourself eachday, love yourself each day. Someday you will think back to all of this, and realize you can get thru anything.  Keep posting your feelings if you want, it does help to talk and reach out, it takes the pain away also. Wishing you support

discarded26,  I think any one of us could of written what you did for I've seen it stated over and over again... .  "treated so badly but we still want more"... .  doesn't make sense.  

I think we keep trying to hold onto that honeymoon phase when things were elated and almost like an aphrodisiac for us.  Our endorphins had to be elated as we were listening to our significant other tell us how wonderful we were... .  how great we were together and you had dreams together which are now gone.  It's hard to let go of the finality and the reality that that time can't come back.  I'm struggling with it too.  

I don't know how long it's been since your breakup but it's only been a week for me.  Some of the things I'm doing are for you, I'm getting counseling to help me sort everything out in my head.  I want to make sure I'm healed so the next relationship will be healthy.  Secondly, I'm focusing on me... .  everyday.  I plan at least one thing just for me... .  going to the gym is one huge thing I do for me.  I'm planning little projects to distract me.  I'm thinking about going to school.  In my relationship, I wasn't able to do anything I enjoyed because the focus was on my ex's interests.  It's time to rekindle your passions and I think it's paramount that you do in finding yourself again.  I'm just trying to stay busy so I don't obsess too much.  At the same time, I do allow myself to have some quiet time to reflect on the situation and continue the healing.  It helps me to be around people... .  there positive energy translates to me.  I've been going to a new church with a girlfriend and that has been invigorating and inspiring.  

Most importantly, try to be patient with yourself.  You're going to have feelings of sadness and pain.  That's ok... .  you have to feel that pain to move forward.  I find myself intermittently crying over the craziest things... .  crying is good.  

I think self-assessment is so very important.  In my situation it was when the abuse was directed at my daughter that I finally put a halt to things.  Why was it ok that I readily took the abuse but wouldn't allow it to affect my daughter?  Am I not as important as her?  I should feel equally entitled to being treated in a healthy manner... .  we all should.  It's NOT ok to be treated poorly.  

You are a very worthy person and in due time you will look back and see things much more clearly.  Allow yourself time to heal and be good to herself... .  

Thanks, not even me to go on forums and type these things up. But then I've never been in a position where my heart has been broken. As I never fully open up

But me thinking he was different (because of history)

Told me everything I wanted to hear, he always felt the same. Everyone knows the things they say, promise you the earth

And just to be abandoned like that. With a few poxy breadcrumbs a few weeks ago. It hurts, really hurts.

I just can't stop thinking things over. I just can't seem to process it. It not easy to admit to myself that it was all a fantasy/he mirrored me. So its coming up to 7 weeks now and I hate myself for still caring

I just don't know what to do? I've been out, trying new things. Nothing is working, and I don't know if its acceptance or not?        Don't think its denial, because his actions says it all. And I know that deep down

It just a big                   

I had my doctor temporarily prescribed a mild antidepressant for a few months to help get me through this period and also something to help me sleep... .  even the counselor suggested it.  I'm finding that exercising at the gym is therapy for me so I don't use the antidepressant but I am using the sleep aid temporarily. 

Knowing that it wasn't true... .  there was "no love" just a need for the BPD to be loved is also unsettling for me.  It is truly the hardest part to digest.  I do understand... .  I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now.  It helped me to know that it wasn't done maliciously but out of a disorder which is out of their control. 

I know they must feel pain too and they do their maladjusted behaviors to protect themselves from pain.  When I told my ex I wanted him out, I found him balled up in a fetal position crying hysterically stating his mantra "I'm not a bad person".  At that point I knew there was something very mentally wrong with him (did't know about BPD yet).  He was is such pain... .  it was like he was a 5 year old child trying to soothe himself. 

You will eventually move forward and have a normal life... .  your ex will continue to struggle with the dysfunctions that the disorder brings into his life. 

I feel your pain honestly I do.  I am four months NC, she is now married and pregnant.  I now realize there is no life, friendship, or any other relationship possible, I could never take a person back after all that two months after they lied and manipulated me about it.  I'm off a small antidepressant I got prescribed by my doctor at the beginning of this, not taking anything else, not drinking any alcohol.   I'm just taking it right now, its a burden I wouldn't wish on an enemy.  Some days I do okay, others I just barely function.  I keep hoping it gets better, but it doesn't seem that way.   I will pray for you.  

I hope this pain is just me dealing with the facts and not the fiction

Luckily I'll never bump into him or know what he's doing in his life, which is a plus

Just the worst is he told me his job is his 'other half now', and I had to 'let go'. But he sent me breadcrumbs accusing of me seeing my friend? That REALLY ANNOYED me.

Just so he didn't have to feel guilty for breaking my heart. So in his fantasy world I'm all happy with a new bloke? 

CRAZY

Mine knows I am suffering horribly and loved her.  At the end it was like she was getting real satisfaction out of watching me reach a point of agony.  In the finale of it with my exBPD SO she said 'if it is true love it comes back to you', translation=if it doesn't work out with me getting married and having kids with this new guy then maybe you shouldn't be upset if I call you in a year or two.   Sick. 

It is sick, but then they are 'sick'

It mind games at it's best

Accusing me of moving on and me being 'happy' though. Ohhhhhhhhh that really gets to me 

I wish I had a majic wand and could wave it and the pain would be gone.

But wishing is for children and we are not children.

The pain will go away but it will take time, the great healer.

Stay as busy as you can, meet as many people as you can and try to help as many people as you can because if your head is in my problem it ain't in yours.

That is true, yes

But things are not always as easy as that. Wish I could just turn off my feelings like he did to me

You can't just turn your emotions off like him because you are a normal, feeling, caring person and he is not... .  he is sick.   

Give yourself time... .  also, think about going to your doctor and discussing some medication to help ease you through this period.  I was amazed how empathetic my doctor was to me.  She said she has female patients coming in every day dealing with awful relationships and crying out for help.  The doctor herself, a well educated independent women even found herself in one such relationship at one point in her life.  No one is immune... .  

I just used to be this strong person, but he's totally floored me emotionally. He seeked out a relationship with me and to get me to fall for him again. Just to go and ditch me

I don't feel I got the full story either us breaking up. Something felt 'off'

In a breadcrumb he said' we ended cos hes a twat' also said he 'loved me', should move in etc' and then said 'I'm seeing my friend and I must be so happy' (dreamworld or what) Yet apparently it was cos of his job? I just don't know

I'm thinking if in the next month I don't feel any better (hoping no-more breadcrumbs) that's been issue in my setback. Then when I see my doctor I'm going to ask him for some help etc.

Never been truly in love and never been heartbroken before, so it's a big mess in my head and heart  :'(

Haven't had any breadcrumbs in two weeks  |iiii Longest without breadcrumbs is 3 weeks

So if it goes over a month without any. I think I'll feel more secure? Not sure how to put it. Just feel like I can move on easier and heal maybe?

I notice we all read into things WAY TO MUCH on this board. But I like to think that's normal, it's processing feelings and emotions and being 'honest' so we can heal yeah? That's how I'm thinking anyway

It is just hard to keep reminding yourself it wasn't all 'real' in a sense. It hurts way to much, and my main aim is to get over him properly this time round. Never did all them years ago. And now he's hurt me this much. I have to think about me and I must get over him. I deserve to be happy. Where he will never be happy

I'm just not sure how I'm going to do it, but I want to  folie

So, feeling a little better today... .  so far  |iiii

Just wondering what I can do to get my mind off the whole sorry mess? I really am looking forward, no point over analyzing things when I guess they don't matter no-more

I just want to be 'free' in my head and heart

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling somewhat better today... .  baby steps... .  take one day at a time right now.

You need to start refocusing your energy into thinking about YOU.  Are you staying busy, are you going out of your way to do special things for you which maybe you wouldn't have done in the past.  Are you surrounding yourself with supportive friends?  Are you going to counseling? 

Definitely so. Feel somewhat 'clear' headed today. Strange feeling, when been so down past few weeks. Hopefully shall last   :)

I am trying my best to do new things and get out etc. Have a few good friends who have kept me just about sane lol

I have found that walking or exercising helps clear my head. Start looking at things that you want to do for yourself, that have nothing to do with him.

To me I always keep in my head that you have breaking up from a normal relationship, where a heart is broken and when a BPD relationship is broken. The latter not having anything to do with adult mature love. Nothing. A break up from a BPD is so much deeper, so much more     ed up.

Because often in the last few months of a BPD break up, you as NON, have lost your dignity, your self esteem, your self confidence, you've lost mental and physical power, you sleep worse, your anxious, more paranoid. Your lack of trust has declined. And in some cases you don't recognize yourself anymore. The detoxing from BPD is so severe that it can drive you mentally utterly crazy.

Most definitely so. I'm just sick of feeling rubbish about myself/why it happened/what he thinking/what he doing/etc

Was driving myself mad. And in the end, at this present time and the breadcrumb free future, it does not matter.

I cannot change anything, or him

So I need to think about ME, and making myself feel better so I can go on to a healthy relationship with someone else  |iiii

Feeling somewhat 'indifferent' today? 

It just a strange emotional roller coaster. I'm upset/having a good day/day where don't feel anything etc

Just a mixed mash of emotions. Hope I get to the point where I guess. I don't care anymore

Im sad today, but was feeling indifferent for the last week.  I can completley understand the roller coaster ride.

Im sory I have not read all of your posts, so do not know the full story. Do you and your ex speak at all now?

I'm not sad, just hard to explain. Coming up to 8 weeks now, so becoming more 'real' in sense now. Why you sad today? 

We do not speak no. Got discarded and painted black, had a few breadcrumbs. But it's coming up close to longest without them. Which helps so much more

Sad because Ive had to offer my ex an ultimatum today in that if I dont hear from him later I will assume he no longer wishes to remain in touch and I will leave it at that, really scarey thing to do but I could no longer carry on with the silences and crumbs and knowing Ive been painted black but he wont come out and say.

Im at week 2 now but Ive been down this road before, so I kinda know what to expect with the ups and downs it just doesnt make it any easier.

From what Ive read on this post your story sounds similar to mine, time is a great healer I agree and hopefully by 8 weeks I will be stronger also, we have to keep reminding ourselves of the bad I guess... .  when Im sad I find it very easy to focus on the good instead,do you?

What is going to happen to you when he asks to see you discarded?

Please keep up the fight. You are gettting there.

Ah not easiest thing to do that. Do you still want a relationship with him then? and why?

I was focusing on the good. But think that was part denial that he must of loved me. But now I'm thinking of all the bad things he did and end of the day he abandoned me. That isn't love

He won't do that. Been nearly 8 weeks now. Few breadcrumbs and that's all it's been

The fight is just keeping MY emotions together. His does not matter (if he has any)

This has been one of the most helpful threads on her for what I am currently going through. After about our 12 break up in 2.5 years although its horrible i hope its our last. 

Every single time we break up I think I can make it and I feel like I am going to die. I consider myself a very rational, always happy, and friendly person. I have never had any trouble in life finding dates getting girl friends ahving healthy relationships.  Even breaking up normally.  I generally remain amicable or friends with all of my exes.  However, without this person who was completely toxic for my life I feel empty and like I dont want to move on. She has beaten my heart down soo many times and I put her on a pedestool and continually support all of her irrational thinking. Like I said I consider myself a very strong and geenrally independent person but losing her is brutal AND WHY WHY WHY AM I SO ATTACHED TO THIS PERSON.


With the help of this board I am able to find the reasons why I am attached to a person like this.  I only wish I had figured out she was BPD and found resources like this years ago. Now I have an answer when every person in my life that cares about me asks "why do you stay with her why you are miserable what is it about her?"  Now i know

No I dont want a relationship, Im just going to find it hard to detach.

Im no longer angry at myb ex BPD for leaving and dont take it personally, he has BPD so handles things differently than I would but I also know I need to protect myself from beng hurt any further.x

Hehe at the, why am i so attached to this person . Crazy isnt it?

Well today I've been thinking of all his bad points, and why he did me a favour

I was never miss perfect myself, but I was honest. Something which he wasn't

So my list goes :-

Abandoned me

Broke my heart

Told little lies (that I know of, could of been ALOT more lies)

Used me

Emotionally lied to me

Partly controlling when come to other men

Selfish

Couldn't be bothered with me (after the idolized stage)

I was always last of his priority's, other things was always more important (after the idolized stage)

He didn't trust me

Made me feel worthless and insecure and that I was nothing

Made me feel upset

All I can think of so far  folie

So today is a reflective mood 

Would of been a year today met up with the ex, after months and months of the idolizing stage  red-flag, finally gave in and met up with him again.

Bet he doesn't even remember or care

But that's life I suppose. Just have to keep looking forward and upwards

Sometimes I think, aren't we the crazy ones? We cry, we feel lonely, we feel sick to our stomach, while our ex with BPD is now with someone else in the idealization phase. They are also happy in that phase... .  

We are far from that.

That is very true (don't know anything about what my ex is up to, and don't want to know)

If anything, this whole sorry mess has made me realize. I do want REAL AND HEALTHY love, I want a life with someone and just to be happy

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so conflicted about this... .  she doesn't seem to be wanting to "let you go" so you CAN move on and be happy. Makes me wonder if she doesn't WANT you to be happy; only to be "there for her" when SHE needs someone.

I know that I have had to "get to the place" where I decided that I WAS ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY and if that is WITHOUT my upwBPD then THAT is NOT MY FAULT. IF I cannot be happy with him, I WILL BE HAPPY without him... .  it is really that simple.

Don't let her "mind games" throw you off "your game"... .  GO ON with your life and say to H with her. When you can say it to her face and walk away, you will be free. Sounds like a little MORE detachment and LETTING GO OF hopes and expectations may be needed... .  good luck 

I'm female, hes male lol

I haven't had anymore breadcrumbs since, coming up to longest without them again. Hence I'm getting to be in a bit of a better place again

Feeling a little better again today after yesterday's 'weak spot of remembering'

Think I've kind of turned a corner. But not sure 

That would be great if you have turned a corner Discarded   we have to at some point Im sure!

The remembering upsets me too, so Im doing my lists, getting it all out on paper and then Im going to try and leave it there.x

Yeah, think I'm coming to terms with what happened. I should of stopped at the  red-flag

But least I know he isn't the one for me anymore

Hmm hate weekend, seems to be the worst

Feel ok today. Just wondering what's the next step really 

Really want to get over him properly so I'd do pretty much anything. Know he was a fake, and not the person for me. Just still think of him. Suppose it's like a come down from a drug I guess

Weekends are the worst. Join the club. Just wondering whats the next step? Same here :) I really want to get over her, knowing it was all fake, but I do still think of her.

And yes, this is sick detoxing on some hard-drugs. Unfortunately...

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. What the heck? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

What you mean, I don't get it. You aint talking? He is seeking contact and you ignore him? Whats the story here :)?

We haven't really spoken in 8 weeks, except for his breadcrumbs, and I only replied once, telling him to delete my number.

If you read through my history posts your get the idea lol

It makes no sense at all, cos I haven't had any messages off him in like 3 weeks   So like wth?

I think you should just ignore it, I think thats the best. I do know the feeling though the moment you see that name again from your ex, all shivers goes straight through your veins. It doesn't feel good, doesn't feel comfy, just feels facked up.

Maybe he just wants a chat, well, unfortunately for him you don't want :)

I have ignored it, he will know I read the message though, cos tells you on there now 

He dumped me cruelly, told me his job is his other half now and I have to let go, then sends contradicting breadcrumbs. 3rd time now 

Just confirms he is a BPD/narc

Black/white/black/white

Yes, you have NO OBLIGATION to respond to any "bread crumbs"... .  he can throw that AT someone else. You are not "needy" and you certainly DO NOT NEED a BPD/Narc and you have not responded for THREE weeks and he keeps contacting you. CUT HIM OFF if you don't want to receive any more. I think that he is having great fun "getting TO" you... .  cut off his NARCISSISTIC supply with NO response. FOREVER is the only thing that will STOP his contacting you. Good luck 

It just very confusing. He made his bed, he can live in it

Usually I'd be upset, but it reeked desperation, he had me 100%, he threw that away. His choice, so he can deal with it.

Well after the unexpected 'message'

Went and blocked him  |iiii

So hope that's the end of that (if he deleted my mobile number to)

Felt a bit weird doing it, but it's over and I need to move on

I am at 6 days NC and the last 4 days have been easy I was feeling alive and ready and excited at the prospect of freedom. I have been constantly exercising and trying to be doing things with friends. Today at work though has been a different story though. This morning it really hit me hard again.  I can't stop trying to think about WHY THIS HAPPENED. I feel like imm 98% sure she has BPD, but did I cause this BPD.  Did I do this to her?

I begged her to see a therapist with me and she didnt want to do that. She said she no longer desires a realtionship with me.  I cant get the words out of my head that she told me as she was ending it with me. She kept saying "this relationship isnt like it was the first 6 months."  We have been together on and off for 2.5 years. Is any relationship like it was in the first 6 months? Am I crazy or do relationships like this actually exist?  She said she wants to be with someone who it feels like the first 6 months forever.  She also said she knows that we arent meant to be because last weekend she had more desire to ahng out with her friends than me. 

I am just really really struggling with this I feel like I need to know why she doesnt want to work on us anymore and doesnt want to seek a therapy. I feel like almsot any woman would love to hear a man offer therapy as a way to make their relationship better. However, she tells me that she "has been feeling this way for months that she is not into me anymore like she used to be." This is after so so so many times of her complaining to me over us not living together and not setting plans and discussing kids/marriage. I just always wanted that emotional stability from her in our relationship. When she is stable and being there for me she is the best person in the world. 

I want to be able to stop blaming myself and see a brighter future.

Awww I know how you feel 

Think we just have to except, they ain't wired like a normal person

Contact yet again has stirred up my emotions again 

But I must be strong, he ended it. The weird breadcrumbs? I'll never understand why I get them   

Just have to move on, babysteps

REALLY wish I didn't let it get to me

Hang in there. In about a month you will feel 150 lbs come off your chest.

spring is near, Warm sunny days ahead... .  

Just wondering is it him painting me black?

Because I don't get the breadcrumbs? Would love to see his reaction at being blocked

Anyone?

It's just playing on me mind

He don't want me back. So why be harsh towards me? He ended it and told me to 'let go'

Is it just so he can paint me black? It's playing with me head (again)

If he ended it and TOLD YOU TO LET GO... .  then go ahead and do that. They will act like they don't know what they want because of their conflicting emotions BUT the truth is that HE made a decision and YOU have a life to live... .  go ahead and THINK MORE ABOUT YOURSELF NOW.

 

I think many of us have felt pain like this before; we just choose not to remember because it hurts.  For many of us, the pain originated in our FOO and has sculpted the way we see ourselves today.  This pain then bled into every relationship we've had.  In essence, we've ripped the scab off of our original childhood wound which is why the pain is searing and so intense. It hurts because we weren't able to successfully process our original pain and we are left to pick up the pieces now.  We learn our lesson when we're ready and not before.

If we tend to our needs and give ourselves the love we deserve the pain will go away.  We sometimes get stuck by seeking closure from the person who we believe has caused the pain when in actuality the relationships we need to focus on are much closer to home. You are hurting for a reason... .  you deserve your attention.   

tailspin

I just think it's cruel and playing games

Like he revels in getting in touch just to remind me 'he's still there'

Got a busy week (so hopefully feel a bit better soon)

Hasn't upset me like the last few times, kinda like it's ANNOYING because I am moving on. I've accepted it over.

He broke my heart and I just think it's nasty. Has to make me out to be the bad one because he can't deal with HIS 'emotions'

Anyone? Just so confusing

Yes, it IS cruel. YES, he might want you to know that HE IS THERE... .  Glad you have a busy week... .  focus on YOU... .  

It WAS nasty. He does NOT deal with his emotions and he does NOT treat others respectfully because of it. He is NOT able to have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you (and I or anyone else for that matter) CANNOT CURE IT.

Say "I AM WORTH going on and having a good life even though this dream had "come true and died"... .  that is how I FEEL also. I must tell myself that it is OVER and I am NO LONGER BEING CONTROLLED AND KEPT PRISONER by the emotions of a mentally ill man  folie ... .  it is a good thing.

I just don't get it, don't think I ever will

What's the point of sending little messages every few weeks (either nice/nasty) or both

Not actually trying to make a conversation with me? So what's the deal with that?

HE ended it, HE told me to move on. Only person who isn't moving on. Is HIM

Just hope that's end of it now, when he see's I've blocked him

Discarded26 ... .  remember... .  this isn't really about you... .  it's about easing his feelings, allowing him to know you are still "there"... .  even if it's breadcrumbs to you, to him it's important/essential.

If he is a pure N, then yes it's intentionally cruel... .  if BPD?... .  it's about fear and need... .  

Either way it is triggering and upsetting you... .  and YOU are the only one who can give yourself closure... .  

Oh I know it's all about HIM. My feelings haven't even crossed his mind

I think he's just trying to paint me black. He's gone from drunk texts of saying he loves me, (an accident text) then saying MIGHT have made a big mistake etc, to accusing me off seeing my friend. Then I'm apparently stubborn not talking and I should grow up?

Just is child games. I'm kind of upset but I'm not upset. I've cried too much over him, don't think I have any tears left to cry

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