Never felt pain like this before

[HarmKrakow]

This has been one of the most helpful threads on her for what I am currently going through. After about our 12 break up in 2.5 years although its horrible i hope its our last. 

Every single time we break up I think I can make it and I feel like I am going to die. I consider myself a very rational, always happy, and friendly person. I have never had any trouble in life finding dates getting girl friends ahving healthy relationships.  Even breaking up normally.  I generally remain amicable or friends with all of my exes.  However, without this person who was completely toxic for my life I feel empty and like I dont want to move on. She has beaten my heart down soo many times and I put her on a pedestool and continually support all of her irrational thinking. Like I said I consider myself a very strong and geenrally independent person but losing her is brutal AND WHY WHY WHY AM I SO ATTACHED TO THIS PERSON.


With the help of this board I am able to find the reasons why I am attached to a person like this.  I only wish I had figured out she was BPD and found resources like this years ago. Now I have an answer when every person in my life that cares about me asks "why do you stay with her why you are miserable what is it about her?"  Now i know

Hehe at the, why am i so attached to this person . Crazy isnt it?

[Discarded26]

Well today I've been thinking of all his bad points, and why he did me a favour

I was never miss perfect myself, but I was honest. Something which he wasn't

So my list goes :-

Abandoned me

Broke my heart

Told little lies (that I know of, could of been ALOT more lies)

Used me

Emotionally lied to me

Partly controlling when come to other men

Selfish

Couldn't be bothered with me (after the idolized stage)

I was always last of his priority's, other things was always more important (after the idolized stage)

He didn't trust me

Made me feel worthless and insecure and that I was nothing

Made me feel upset

All I can think of so far 

[Discarded26]

So today is a reflective mood 

Would of been a year today met up with the ex, after months and months of the idolizing stage  , finally gave in and met up with him again.

Bet he doesn't even remember or care

But that's life I suppose. Just have to keep looking forward and upwards

[HarmKrakow]

So today is a reflective mood 

Would of been a year today met up with the ex, after months and months of the idolizing stage  , finally gave in and met up with him again.

Bet he doesn't even remember or care

But that's life I suppose. Just have to keep looking forward and upwards

Sometimes I think, aren't we the crazy ones? We cry, we feel lonely, we feel sick to our stomach, while our ex with BPD is now with someone else in the idealization phase. They are also happy in that phase... .  

We are far from that.

[Discarded26]

So today is a reflective mood 

Would of been a year today met up with the ex, after months and months of the idolizing stage  , finally gave in and met up with him again.

Bet he doesn't even remember or care

But that's life I suppose. Just have to keep looking forward and upwards

Sometimes I think, aren't we the crazy ones? We cry, we feel lonely, we feel sick to our stomach, while our ex with BPD is now with someone else in the idealization phase. They are also happy in that phase... .  

We are far from that.

That is very true (don't know anything about what my ex is up to, and don't want to know)

If anything, this whole sorry mess has made me realize. I do want REAL AND HEALTHY love, I want a life with someone and just to be happy

[real lady]

Accusing me of moving on and me being 'happy' though. Ohhhhhhhhh that really gets to me   

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so conflicted about this... .  she doesn't seem to be wanting to "let you go" so you CAN move on and be happy. Makes me wonder if she doesn't WANT you to be happy; only to be "there for her" when SHE needs someone.

I know that I have had to "get to the place" where I decided that I WAS ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY and if that is WITHOUT my upwBPD then THAT is NOT MY FAULT. IF I cannot be happy with him, I WILL BE HAPPY without him... .  it is really that simple.

Don't let her "mind games" throw you off "your game"... .  GO ON with your life and say to H with her. When you can say it to her face and walk away, you will be free. Sounds like a little MORE detachment and LETTING GO OF hopes and expectations may be needed... .  good luck 

[Discarded26]

Accusing me of moving on and me being 'happy' though. Ohhhhhhhhh that really gets to me   

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so conflicted about this... .  she doesn't seem to be wanting to "let you go" so you CAN move on and be happy. Makes me wonder if she doesn't WANT you to be happy; only to be "there for her" when SHE needs someone.

I know that I have had to "get to the place" where I decided that I WAS ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY and if that is WITHOUT my upwBPD then THAT is NOT MY FAULT. IF I cannot be happy with him, I WILL BE HAPPY without him... .  it is really that simple.

Don't let her "mind games" throw you off "your game"... .  GO ON with your life and say to H with her. When you can say it to her face and walk away, you will be free. Sounds like a little MORE detachment and LETTING GO OF hopes and expectations may be needed... .  good luck 

I'm female, hes male

I haven't had anymore breadcrumbs since, coming up to longest without them again. Hence I'm getting to be in a bit of a better place again

[Discarded26]

Feeling a little better again today after yesterday's 'weak spot of remembering'

Think I've kind of turned a corner. But not sure 

[Ruthy2]

That would be great if you have turned a corner Discarded   we have to at some point Im sure!

The remembering upsets me too, so Im doing my lists, getting it all out on paper and then Im going to try and leave it there.x

[Discarded26]

That would be great if you have turned a corner Discarded   we have to at some point Im sure!

The remembering upsets me too, so Im doing my lists, getting it all out on paper and then Im going to try and leave it there.x

Yeah, think I'm coming to terms with what happened. I should of stopped at the 

But least I know he isn't the one for me anymore

[Discarded26]

Hmm hate weekend, seems to be the worst

Feel ok today. Just wondering what's the next step really 

Really want to get over him properly so I'd do pretty much anything. Know he was a fake, and not the person for me. Just still think of him. Suppose it's like a come down from a drug I guess

[HarmKrakow]

Hmm hate weekend, seems to be the worst

Feel ok today. Just wondering what's the next step really 

Really want to get over him properly so I'd do pretty much anything. Know he was a fake, and not the person for me. Just still think of him. Suppose it's like a come down from a drug I guess

Weekends are the worst. Join the club. Just wondering whats the next step? Same here I really want to get over her, knowing it was all fake, but I do still think of her.

And yes, this is sick detoxing on some hard-drugs. Unfortunately...

[Discarded26]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

[HarmKrakow]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

[Discarded26]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. What the heck? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

[HarmKrakow]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. What the heck? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

What you mean, I don't get it. You aint talking? He is seeking contact and you ignore him? Whats the story here ?

[Discarded26]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. What the heck? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

What you mean, I don't get it. You aint talking? He is seeking contact and you ignore him? Whats the story here ?

We haven't really spoken in 8 weeks, except for his breadcrumbs, and I only replied once, telling him to delete my number.

If you read through my history posts your get the idea

It makes no sense at all, cos I haven't had any messages off him in like 3 weeks   So like wth?

[HarmKrakow]

HELP!

Checked my fb and guess who left me a message that don't make sense    (I deleted him ages ago btw)

I give up. Every time I feel happy and sort my head out, he gets in touch. So weird

What did he say?

It said... .  

You still being nso stubborn u aint talking> grow up

Like. What the heck? Makes NOO sense at all

Has to make himself the victim though 

What you mean, I don't get it. You aint talking? He is seeking contact and you ignore him? Whats the story here ?

We haven't really spoken in 8 weeks, except for his breadcrumbs, and I only replied once, telling him to delete my number.

If you read through my history posts your get the idea

It makes no sense at all, cos I haven't had any messages off him in like 3 weeks   So like What the heck?

I think you should just ignore it, I think thats the best. I do know the feeling though the moment you see that name again from your ex, all shivers goes straight through your veins. It doesn't feel good, doesn't feel comfy, just feels facked up.

Maybe he just wants a chat, well, unfortunately for him you don't want

[Discarded26]

I have ignored it, he will know I read the message though, cos tells you on there now 

He dumped me cruelly, told me his job is his other half now and I have to let go, then sends contradicting breadcrumbs. 3rd time now 

Just confirms he is a BPD/narc

Black/white/black/white

[real lady]

He dumped me cruelly, told me his job is his other half now and I have to let go, then sends contradicting breadcrumbs. 3rd time now 

Just confirms he is a BPD/narc

Yes, you have NO OBLIGATION to respond to any "bread crumbs"... .  he can throw that AT someone else. You are not "needy" and you certainly DO NOT NEED a BPD/Narc and you have not responded for THREE weeks and he keeps contacting you. CUT HIM OFF if you don't want to receive any more. I think that he is having great fun "getting TO" you... .  cut off his NARCISSISTIC supply with NO response. FOREVER is the only thing that will STOP his contacting you. Good luck 

[Discarded26]

He dumped me cruelly, told me his job is his other half now and I have to let go, then sends contradicting breadcrumbs. 3rd time now 

Just confirms he is a BPD/narc

Yes, you have NO OBLIGATION to respond to any "bread crumbs"... .  he can throw that AT someone else. You are not "needy" and you certainly DO NOT NEED a BPD/Narc and you have not responded for THREE weeks and he keeps contacting you. CUT HIM OFF if you don't want to receive any more. I think that he is having great fun "getting TO" you... .  cut off his NARCISSISTIC supply with NO response! FOREVER is the only thing that will STOP his contacting you. Good luck 

It just very confusing. He made his bed, he can live in it

Usually I'd be upset, but it reeked desperation, he had me 100%, he threw that away. His choice, so he can deal with it.

[Discarded26]

Well after the unexpected 'message'

Went and blocked him 

So hope that's the end of that (if he deleted my mobile number to)

Felt a bit weird doing it, but it's over and I need to move on

[trampledfoot]

I am at 6 days NC and the last 4 days have been easy I was feeling alive and ready and excited at the prospect of freedom. I have been constantly exercising and trying to be doing things with friends. Today at work though has been a different story though. This morning it really hit me hard again.  I can't stop trying to think about WHY THIS HAPPENED. I feel like imm 98% sure she has BPD, but did I cause this BPD.  Did I do this to her?

I begged her to see a therapist with me and she didnt want to do that. She said she no longer desires a realtionship with me.  I cant get the words out of my head that she told me as she was ending it with me. She kept saying "this relationship isnt like it was the first 6 months."  We have been together on and off for 2.5 years. Is any relationship like it was in the first 6 months? Am I crazy or do relationships like this actually exist?  She said she wants to be with someone who it feels like the first 6 months forever.  She also said she knows that we arent meant to be because last weekend she had more desire to ahng out with her friends than me. 

I am just really really struggling with this I feel like I need to know why she doesnt want to work on us anymore and doesnt want to seek a therapy. I feel like almsot any woman would love to hear a man offer therapy as a way to make their relationship better. However, she tells me that she "has been feeling this way for months that she is not into me anymore like she used to be." This is after so so so many times of her complaining to me over us not living together and not setting plans and discussing kids/marriage. I just always wanted that emotional stability from her in our relationship. When she is stable and being there for me she is the best person in the world. 

I want to be able to stop blaming myself and see a brighter future.

[Discarded26]

Awww I know how you feel 

Think we just have to except, they ain't wired like a normal person

Contact yet again has stirred up my emotions again 

But I must be strong, he ended it. The weird breadcrumbs? I'll never understand why I get them   

Just have to move on, babysteps

[Discarded26]

Well after the unexpected 'message'

Went and blocked him 

So hope that's the end of that (if he deleted my mobile number to)

Felt a bit weird doing it, but it's over and I need to move on

REALLY wish I didn't let it get to me

[NonBPDSpouse]

Hang in there. In about a month you will feel 150 lbs come off your chest.

spring is near, Warm sunny days ahead... .  

[Discarded26]

Just wondering is it him painting me black?

Because I don't get the breadcrumbs? Would love to see his reaction at being blocked

[Discarded26]

Anyone?

It's just playing on me mind

He don't want me back. So why be harsh towards me? He ended it and told me to 'let go'

Is it just so he can paint me black? It's playing with me head (again)

[real lady]

Anyone?

It's just playing on me mind

He don't want me back. So why be harsh towards me? He ended it and told me to 'let go'

Is it just so he can paint me black? It's playing with me head (again)

If he ended it and TOLD YOU TO LET GO... .  then go ahead and do that. They will act like they don't know what they want because of their conflicting emotions BUT the truth is that HE made a decision and YOU have a life to live... .  go ahead and THINK MORE ABOUT YOURSELF NOW.

[tailspin]

 

I think many of us have felt pain like this before; we just choose not to remember because it hurts.  For many of us, the pain originated in our FOO and has sculpted the way we see ourselves today.  This pain then bled into every relationship we've had.  In essence, we've ripped the scab off of our original childhood wound which is why the pain is searing and so intense. It hurts because we weren't able to successfully process our original pain and we are left to pick up the pieces now.  We learn our lesson when we're ready and not before.

If we tend to our needs and give ourselves the love we deserve the pain will go away.  We sometimes get stuck by seeking closure from the person who we believe has caused the pain when in actuality the relationships we need to focus on are much closer to home. You are hurting for a reason... .  you deserve your attention.   

tailspin