BPDFamily.com

I melted when I heard her voice. She told me I sounded good. She asked me if I missed her. Asked if we had a good time together... Asked if I had still a little place in her heart (we haven't spoken properly after she pulled the plug 3.5 weeks ago)

She told me she missed the physical intimacy. It was so good and the reason why she doesn't want to see me is because if we would do so, we would end up in bed together, as thats what she said ... She would throw me in bed.

So no, she doesn't want to see me, however she's happy to hear my voice and she's been trying out contact with me again. The fact that she thinks about it, and the fact that she wants it, is something I should see as a good compliment.

I'm in shambles right now, don't know WHAT to think. I've got the entire rainbow of emotions flowing through me.

I'm at work right now, and people asked me, so how do you feel now? I yelled, like an ___ing idiot

Once before a recycle, my ex called me "just to hear my voice".  Interesting how many similarities there are between all these different people that have this type of thinking.

I also received the "we wouldn't work" on that same phone call -- right before the recycle.

It's coming.  Perhaps you are being painted white again?

I didn't hear anything negative on the phone, only that ...

"we defintely had a good time right?" ... .  "We shared something nice" ... "Bit of a messy break up" ... " Good to hear your voice" ... "I miss the conversations we had... " ...

harmkrakow, recycle, recycle and recycle. I have seen this almost to a t on about 3 or 4 recycles. I feel like (with mine) anyways it was a slow easy way to test the water and alos make sure that you are still on the hook for the recycle. I have had it the 3 week mark, 7 day mark, 5 week mark. Mine called once and told me how much she loved and missed me, love me and then the next morning called and told me she didnt want us back togtehr was just expressing herself. BUt 3 weeks later she was back.

harmkrakow,

like many others here, i've been through soo many recycles and soo many different methods of initiating it.

she has set her traps to recycle you.

now she's waiting for her puppet to re-attach to her strings.

if my ex contacted me in such a way while i was still healing, i dont know if i would be able to easily say no to getting back with her, or even meeting her in person.  i just know, that for my own future, despite my at least knowing she has BPD now and my thinking that i can understand things and give it a better shot at working, i KNOW that for my future, i would have to just continue to let go and move on. or as many of others have said: RUN!

i hope you take care of yourself for once the way you took care of her. i really hope you do what is right for you.

It's like a battle between what you want and what is good for you ... What I want is not good for me, I think...

hahah, i think it's what you THINK you want, or THINK you need.

the only way i can really relate is its the same feelings i went through when i gave up alcohol.

i also feel the same while getting over my ex.

she doesnt offer me the most important things i need in a r/s (regardless of her BPD or not)

i also know a r/s with her takes away from me, and focus i should put on me and my life. it also sets me back as evident in all the self esteem and confidence i lost while with her.

i think its a matter of temporary relief/satisfaction or distraction or get through the pain to find yourself and lose your dependence on someone else.

if you cant get through life on your own and think you need to fill different voids, will you just end up as crazy as them?

I want, I want to be so badly recycled, oh man, I ache for her, but man almighty i'm split between thoughts. Literally skull split between thoughts.

Although in a way, it doesn't come as a suprise that this is happening I guess...

Hi Harm - wow - were you shocked by this development or not? (doesn't sound like it).

How do you feel now?

In your heart, deep down, do you think another go would be in order?

I have read a lot about your pain but not so much of your story - so I can't tell just how bad things were, and if you should run or consider another try... .  

In "normal" relationships I would always advise another go, just in case, but I guess that depends on how many times you have recycled?

How has this had an effect on your processing of the situation so far?

x

Harm,

If my ex were to come back after all the abused and after I dumped her because of her continued lying and cheating, and if I took her back - she would know she can do whatever she likes to me and no matter how much time has passed, and no matter what she did with others and no matter how badly I was hurting she know e can come back whenever and rely on me to take her back drooling.

She knows this. But the only difference is I will never take her back. It'll just end worse for me and he will never change. It's a mental disorder. You are setting yourself up for hurt because you are still healing and think you want something that isn't even real. Look deeper into why you want to get back with her even though with logical thinking you know the end result will be the same. Look at all the other people who have married or divorced after 20 years and their insights. You have the fortune of learning from their experiences.

Mango posed some good questions that ou have to answer honestly and with rational thought - not just out of your hurt and longing for the honeymoon stages or your hormones.

Take it slowly. Do not rush anything. Or you will end up crazier and more hurt.

Think things through logically as then make the decisions.

My point of view may be skewed because I allowed myself to be recycled dozens of times.

Since I found this board, however, I can now use knowledge and experience to make an appropriate decision for my life and future and how I treat myself and what I put mysel though. I have control now.

Use your control to do what is right for you.

harm, I'm honestly glad that you got the opportunity to talk to her.  I know that deep down alot of us would like to have a non confrontational, non blaming, non nutty serious conversation with our ex pwBPD, if it were ever possible.  The problem is that No Contact isn't to do anything for them, its about us, to give us time to heal really.  If you're still talking to her on a regular basis I don't think that you'll ever have a real opportunity to heal, you'll be running your legs off again for a miniscule piece of cheese.  The last time I talked to mine she asked me how much I loved her, then got engaged about three weeks later, sheeesh.  They don't contact you for you, they contact us to help boost their ego, as a 'test' to see if they can still jerk you around as their puppet,  to see just how much they can get us to apologize for things they did, basically just to see how much punishment we will let them get away with.  Just like a counselor I talked to the very first time I went to see him during the middle of all the fallout with the expwBPD he told me to immediately cease all contact with her, and of course I didn't listen to him, I was hoping to talk it out with her or see how I could help fix the problem, or if I could get some closure... .  none of that ever got close to happening, I should have listened to what he told me but I had to see for myself.  Maybe eventually you will to, but I will wish the best for you in your situation, but hope you are prepared for the worst. 

harm, I am sorry you are hurting. I stopped responding to these types of calls - I never want to be anyone's back up plan when my ex's life got tough for him.

I allowed myself to be recycled after 2 months NC & me progressing towards healing from the shock & devastation of the breakup - and also the realisation that the relationship was never what I had thought it to be. The recycle began with a phone call similar to yours. I had thought/hoped that armed with some knowledge/understanding of BPD (or so I thought), I would be able to keep him emotionally at arms length and still have some kind of relationship with him whilst setting clear boundaries (bargaining!)

I suppose I just had to know if he was really "that bad".

Allowing him to prove that he was gave me some closure I suppose - and the initial reconnection felt wonderful. But I set myself up for more pain & I am more than 9 months behind in "moving on" than I would otherwise have been.

If/when he contacts me again I really hope I dont respond.

Good luck with whatever you do. Someone told me that "the disorder always wins" - I now know this to be true xx

See how she was "trying to get you to say that YOU need her" but when it all "shook out" she doesn't want to accept responsibility for her commitment/abandonment behavior toward you. I see this as just trying to provoke guilt/pity and control you.

My uBPDso, whom I am still living with, has been mentioning "the good times"... .  but WE DON'T live there with them anymore. That is the BIG problem with being spun around in their drama... .  we forget how THINGS ARE BETWEEN US NOW and HOPE for how they "used to be"... .  but with a pwBPD, how "they used to be" wasn't real then and can't happen again, imho.

The crazymaking is skull busting and heart breaking. Hope you can find the detachment to "let go" and start focusing ON YOU. That is what REALLY has helped me continue to live with BPD behavior. NOT engaging and NOT committing to their mental illness. NOT allowing it to continue to control my life... .  Wishing you well. 

i also remember by ex throwing in sexual thoughts prior to recycling me or just using me for a day or 2... .  

she would say we cant meet cause i would just want to be physical or slyly throw in that she was horny, or some variation of subtle sexual thoughts.

my ex knew exactly what she was doing, knew she could pull me back in with sex even though she would say she wouldnt want to because it wouldnt be good for us or whatever reason to make it seem like she was sincere, but like i said, she knew exactly how to pull me back in.

its always just manipulations and control

Mine went "Madonna" on me for a couple weeks -- kept saying she'd no longer have sex until she was married (we were apart).  Next thing I know, she sent me a text nude photo.  She knew I couldn't resist her physically.  Still can't if I'm honest with myself.

recoil, I had forgotten about that one. 3 breaks up ago she said she couldnt have sex with me becsause of her spritual convinctions. Of course this was after we had been having sex for the last year and eight months. but then when she was trying to recycle me. the naked pixs would come at odd hours of the night. and then sexting and then the recycle, make up sex and then back to spritual conviction again, push away again. over and over.

This girl is seriously sick and disordered.

She told me she wanted to speak to me tonight. I came home early from work for this 1) mistake number 1, then She told me 'she was coming home soon xx around 7', I was stupid enough to believe that, she came online around 9. She then told me we will never touch me again, was wondering if I was mentally sane enough to hang around with her and she was showing off with how much she partied last weekend, as she went to party till 4pm on Sunday after starting on Saturday

Also told me again she didn't understand why I cried so much about her ...

Seriously, it's fascinating to see the 'disorder' at work. I need to cut this cancerous growth out of my life.

Oh and in case I was ever hoping that I meant a lot to her, as she literally went on, moved on, started partying and still wondering after the split why I was so shaken up with all this with the girl who once wanted to marry me, have kids we me (just a few months back) ...

it's hard in a way, confronting, but also settling realizing that although she is just painting you black, she never was in this with the same intentions I once was. It comes to once more realize that I need to cut of this sick sh!t out of my life although addictions are difficult to get rid of.

As thats exactly what she is, I spoke with her, but I didn't gain nothing out of it. It hurted. Still, I let myself get hurt. I wish everyone like her had just a big sticker on their forehead BPD, so I would know on forehand which to avoid rather than learn life lessons after throwing away 2 precious years.

i am so glad you feel you need to 'cut this cancerous growth out of my life'

its not easy, but its the best thing you can do for yourself and your future and your sanity

i've learned that if someone cares about you, you have to look at actions not words.


i've also learned m ex will always treat me the same way, no matter what she says to try to get her hooks back in me. its smart for me not to believe anything she says.

i hope you stay committed and focused on a decision. it's affecting your work and livelihood.

Thats the ridiculous part. Like seriously. How in earth can I let such a disordered person affect my work (because it does, i cried at work) and my livelihood (i go to a shrink, i'm on anti-depressants and I sleep horribly).

For something YET AGAIN TODAY(!) I gained confirmation that she lacks utter empathy. I honestly don't even know right now why I went home early from work to talk to her ...

well i think you're recognizing that it isnt a healthy relationship

this would be worth re-reading:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

it took me a long while to realize what i was doing and how i was neglecting myself and gave up everything i ever wanted.

(though i think that was progressive... .  it went from oh, i guess thats just one thing i dont really need in a r/s, afterall, we're supposed to make sacrifices and nobody is perfect - and then i realized i pretty much disregarded all the main values and things i wanted in a r/s. i saw that i wasn't who i really am. just this puppet, and this thing that needs- to latch onto my ex and have her approval or tend to her needs and try to make her happy - in order to survive, i felt like i needed her in my life. that i needed to keep giving more and more to make the r/s work and that there was always something wrong with me that we couldnt get back to the honeymoon phase. that i wasn't offering something or whatever.

honestly, i dont know if anything i say helps and i dont feel right in providing advice, all i can do is talk from my past experiences and how they shaped me, and what i am doing now to become the person i want and have the life i want.  i used to think i wanted a life with her. no matter what. and we'd get through all the hard times. but then i realized that was just the crazy that seeped into me from her.

i cant say much for the depression you go through and your need for antidepressants. it must be tough, but dont look at it as a negative.  i am fortunate in that i havent really gone through my long depression spells since i gave up alcohol.  whenever we broke up after that, obviously i was devastated and recognized that i was going to sink back into week long spells of depression,, but i would FORCE myself to do good things for myself like exercise, then i have the release of endorphins and i can feel good about the results.

i guess my point is, that you finally have control back.  and you maintain that control so long as she is out of your life and you do what is necessary for you to heal.  no contact helped me a lot and i know through the different stages of the grieving process if we were communicating, i'm pretty sure i would have gone back.  but i think i'm in the acceptance stage and i feel good and know i won't take her back if she ever comes.

just treat yourself as well as we treated them.  that helped me a lot. and while i still dont treat myself as well as i did her, i'm working out the kinks and figuring out my problems and mental disturbances and life is bright ahead regardless of what stresses i face, i just know the stress of her and all the issues she brings into my life won't play a role anymore.

Im just laughing about this situation, to add to that, last monday, I went out of work, walked around the highway for over half an hour contemplating about my actions in life. I knew, a jump would end it. Rather than calling the national suicide line or an ER line I called my shrink after a good 20 minutes of slowly slipping away.

The guy went mental on me. It's not the SEE HOW FAR SHE HAS PUSHED YOU! ... as the way I would portray it, but SEE IT AS HOW FAR YOU HAVE LET IT GO... I was willing to take my life, or at least contemplating for a person who is not even capable of understanding someone else's feeling.

What does that say about me  lol

You sound wise and calm.

and this is after an hour after finding out she's calling the guy she's with her boyfriend now. i hardly got that title during all our shots at a r/s.

i feel like i'm making progress that i wasnt making after all the other breakups, and i feel good about that.

remember not to be hard on yourself, force yourself to do things, and take moments to be proud of your progress.

have a good support system. day by day it gets better if you stay committed.  

The disorder always wins.  

I'm going to remember this phrase for the rest of my life.

And we can't even blame them for it ...

hahah recoil,

that def. is a great thing to remember, and i appreciated it as soon as i saw that... .  

harmkrakow, maybe it's just my adrenaline high right now, though i dont think it's mean-spirited of my to say,

who cares if we can blame them or not for the disorder, i just know its not in my life, its not my responsibility to try to fix, and i just should worry about myself and my future.

If this is the conclusion that the events of the past few days have led you to, then it seems like a positive thing.  You have clearly been struggling recently with a great sense of loss, and I think a big part of this detachment includes realizing that what's been lost was not really so great after all.  I can't stand that I lost the person that I at one point believed my ex-wife to be... .  but to have lost the person that she really actually is... ?  Not actually a bad thing, really.

It took me a couple small forays into near recycle-hood to realize this, but I realize it now.  She is sick and disordered, and I am better off without her.  I hate that I still need to share the parenting of my children with her.  I wish I could truly divorce her out of my life and never look back, as you have the opportunity to do.  I don't pine for her anymore... .  other than physically sometimes, perhaps.  She is a mean person and a black hole, and I don't miss walking the tight rope I used to walk - always trying to convince myself that she actually did love me or something.  It's ugly and it's gross, and it's not healthy.  It's still not a great feeling for me now, but it's a lot better than the times I used to feel like I'd do anything to have our old life back.  Perhaps their greatest gift to us is that they do usually give us a chance to see their ugliness, if we are willing to accept seeing it.

How are you feeling now?  Any sense of relief compared to before these most recent events?  Better than before?  Worse?

I feel indifferent.

I've got 3 more days left at work, as I do banking, those are basically 24x3 hours left of work, seriously crazyness, so no time to think.

After that, i've got myself quite the realization to do.

I don't have friends to hang out on a regular basis, meaning, for that I have to start over again. i do have friends to hang out with on a monthly basis.

Other than that, my future path is completely empty. Completely... rather than enjoying that prospect i'm dreading it. Just the fear of not being accepted although I know my self-confidence got an enormous blow due to the BPD dilemma.

How are you doing HK? 

 Harm


Was wondering how it was all going. What's happening?

WWT.

Indifferent.

I regret my weakness that I still occasionally check her out, what is she doing, where is she, who is she talking to and is she having a good time, is she not forgetting about paying those and those bills. However, every time I speak to her, LC is still in place, it's pouring salt in my own wounds, or ... let me rephrase it, it feels like cutting open my arm, then put salt in it. It feels stupid still checking up on her, although she also still wants to remain in contact, however, her mood during the LC is sometimes superbly volatile. Either immensely passionate and then very distant.

I quit my job last friday, because I noticed the 80h a week I was working was purely 'flight' behavior. If I want to get out of this mess, I need some serious confronting of my own. There was 1 really dodgy moment last week where I was very close to pay the piper, literally shouting i've had enough and after hours of contemplating, already finishing the letter of letters, I called my T which calmed me down and prevented me from doing solving a, as you (and he) said, solving a temporary problem with a permanent solution.

I see people around me, and ask them, where do you get your strength from? Or what do you have to live for? Some tell me the moment their brother/sister got a child and they got to be an auntie, or an uncle at my age (25) or got kids themselves and feel like they want to show them something. Or they want to pay back what their parents have given them after years of unconditional love. Or a brother, or a sister who they are helping and have great bonds with. I don't have any of that. Not that I don't have friends, I certainly do have a few life long time friends who I can always rely on, always can give a call and if needed can sleep at their place if necessary. A thing i've been doing last few weeks besides work, but these people also have either full time jobs or busy and they don't live close to where I live. Others put strength out of religion, Islam, Christianity, etc. I am very happy for them and wish I could do so, but I can't. I regret to have studied so much science in my days that I question everything out of pure habit.

Now since work is gone, i'm on my own, at home, actually got the flu so i've been laying in bed all day, basically not doing anything. The only social contact or interaction i've had was a private message from someone here on bpdfamily. How ___ing sad is that? It makes you realize how far i've sunk, no offence, but someone with 25 years old should be able to do better. And although I have this thought from time to time in my head, I don't deserve this. I seem incapable of change, only very slowly, consciously I seem to move myself in the right direction. When I came back from work last Friday it felt like I had to experience the break up all over again. Why? Because alone now ... is again ... alone. As work was basically 80% of my time 7 days a week, the other 20% was sleep.

I've had it with being a whiny b*tch complaining about life and mental pain, it's one the reasons why I wrote my last letter. My dreams have still been out going away. As some might have known, i've gotten to known 2 american tourists in a train when I was heading towards work, both are evangelists/church people and they invited me to America to stay there for a few weeks to 'come to terms with life' rather than being in the sole misery and despair of being home alone in The Netherlands, seeing the walls close in on you and contemplating suicide. I'm not sure yet what to do, I mean, people, I don't even have a plan for 2morrow, I don't have any plans atm.

I regret and feel ashamed of my weakness that I 1) can't cut of that cancerous growth and 2) can't kick my own ass and shout towards myself to WAKE THE F*** UP and start being pro-active again in life. As those 2 things were always the one thing I would tell MY friends when they came to me and shared me their stories...

I seriously hope you guys never have to witness to wake up every night around 2/3 and just literally shouting it out of the pain hoping for it to go away and hope that you won't wake up because the pain is to detrimental.

Hi HK

I was wondering how you were going. 

So sorry you are feeling this way. So sorry that it hurts this hard for you.

It is so hard knowing it will get better for you, but knowing that you feel so defeated at the moment. Quitting your job must have been hard on your routine, and your interactions too. It was a big decision to take, so you have already completed at least one big step towards your better future 

What are you doing this weekend? Are you concentrating on getting over the flu?

Feeling lousy with flu isn't going to be helping the situation.

Please look after yourself, stay warm and keep up those fluids.

I am mostly drinking tea with lemon and honey, and stories on how people fought suicidal tendencies and depression.

You play any video games?  I took my mind off things.

HK take GreenMangos excellent advice regarding video games.

Playing a lot of pc games got me through some dark days, as they do absorb your mind in an easy way, create a challenge, bring some small element of ambition into the mix, and while away hours and hours.

Hope the tea is helping. Hope the stories are helping more 

She isn't worth it HK, she really really just isnt worth it. 

I know that getting past this may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but it will be worth it. 

I've found that reading a lot and going to the gym have really helped. Exercising really helps when I feel the depression/anger coming on. I take it out on how long I run. I've been watching a lot of comedic tv shows as well. I'd try to set some personal goals and just work on yourself. One last thing that might really help would be for you to go travel somewhere. I find that traveling and meeting other travelers can be incredibly encouraging. Hope you are doing better.

Thats exactly what im trying right now. Trying a few video games and trying to succeed although ive never been much of the gamer. Always felt like it was a waste of time. Things like WoW or anything like that never had my interest especially after i saw pals at high school or uni destroy their social life with it.

Not much of gamer here but I got on an Angry Birds kick.  I was an angry bird  lol.  Burned some down time. 

Of course exercise, reading, vitamins all helped too.  But sometimes just some down time time doing something fun not too heavy thinking.

Getting past this, is by far the worst and difficult thing i've ever done in my life. Tomorrow will be Monday, normally I go to work, now I won't have to.

Every time, I feel suicidal contemplation, I watch this video. www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o80Q4pLvTE

And don't get me wrong I am in good physical shape, I eat healthy, vegetables etc. The bad thing I do is have a bit of vodka/melatonin/temazepam every night to push me towards sleep. I do run and do work out. But mentally i'm just worn out

@GreenMango

I just get annoyed playing that game when I can't get it done :P. I keep it more simple games, games which I know of, that I will pass, level by level :)

haha... . Angry Birds drives me crazy.  It seems like I can hit it in just the right spot, but the stupid birds just bounce off the wooden planks and don't knock anything over.  Stupid birds.

'Apparatus' is really good and interesting.  And 'Cut the Rope', 'Where's my Water', and 'Plants vs. Zombies' are pretty good, too. :)

Hang in there, Harm.

Failure at such a thing isn't making me feeling better :). And yeah, as addition to the initial reason I started this topic.

I spoke to my ex again today and I asked her if she paid a debt she had outstanding which HAD to be paid tomorrow otherwise it would go to court(!). She said; "oops, i forgot, and told me she had not enough money on her account'. I was stupid enough to say ... i'll pay okay? I just want this mess to be over with. And then she forcefully told me, show me the screenshot that you paid it (the lack of trust was a needle through the heart).

And yeah, so I feel ~ again so i'll try the games you mentioned.

So sorry to hear about the flu Harm.

Have you tried mixing lemon juice, honey and some cut up pieces of root ginger - then adding boiling water and leaving that to stand for ten minutes before drinking? It's really good for flu.

Chinese people often boil up root ginger with water for quite some time - maybe half an hour - to make an incredibly powerful and peppery tasting tea which is excellent for any kind of virus. You could try that and then sweeten with some honey if necessary. (There may be some Chinese people here who could actually give you more precise instructions - but that ought to be enough of a guide to make something decent!)

Also have you been able - in a gentle way - to stick to the idea of having routine activities you do each day? They can be really undemanding things that can be achieved even when you're ill - making yourself a nice tea (as you described earlier) would count as the 'pleasure' activity for the day  for example.

One thing I've learnt is that it's small, gentle, daily changes and approaches that can - surprisingly - help most towards solving massive and seemingly insurmountable problems.

You talked about going to stay with friends/family. I know people are busy - so when you get to someone else's house they may not have a lot of time to spend with you. But I still think it's worth going. That could be a good idea when you get over the flu a bit. Maybe schedule two or three different short trips to see people... . making sure of course that you work around your GP and therapist appointments. I did this a lot when I was at my worst. And I can remember sitting on the train to make these trips feeling horribly vulnerable and zombie-like and sometimes not quite sure I could keep it together to make it to the end of the journey. But I did keep going. And being with other people really helped when I arrived. It was good for me I think just to see some different countryside - to be in a less familiar place - to think for a short while about other people's lives. And of course I STILL felt awful and very grim every night as I fell asleep (or tried to fall asleep) - but over time it really helped and the pain slowly lessened.

There is a road out of this - you should never doubt that - there are many people here who can testify to that. But we also appreciate just how horrible it feels - so keep posting because people here really do understand.

Ginger! Awesome idea, (even had to look up the word in my own language) I know how it looks like and i've bought it before when I lived in London but can't remember the Dutch translation :P

I realize if I want to 'move forward' I need incentive to move forward. An incentive is a meet up or a trip with people. Because the moment you don't do that, as i've done last days, you feel like urges to live are slipping away.

And that feeling you described of being in the train, seriously, that described me to utter perfection. Vulnerable, wondering if you could hold it together ... all of that. And the moment you are there, it feels good again and the moment you hit the train, you feel crap again. I do wonder or might I say worry if quitting my job was the best idea, however as I do think that work didn't gain me anything besides benjamins and short night sleeps I still hope I made the right choice.

However, deep, deep inside me, very deep inside me, it still feels I can make my first real step forward the moment I cut her of completely notifying her what she did to me and that I can't live with this charade anymore.

Btw, that list you made, that list of, boring/new/fun is awesome. i mean that, next time I will see my shrink I will tell him and let him know he should say it to others as it's an effective way of giving yourself(!) the feeling that you did something, although very little sometimes.

Hi HK

I watched the video link, and it is really good. Thank you. Also it says it perfectly... . it isn't you!

I am definitely not a gamer, but I found that following a pc mystery game was like putting my brain on holiday. It was interactive enough for my mind not to wander, not hard enough to frustrate me, but seemed to suck me in. I much prefer reading, but I found that I would fall asleep more that I read in the hard early days and that would wreck my sleep patterns. TV made me feel like I was wasting my life.

Walks on the beach or in nature helped me by far the most. I remember taking one really long walk by myself and happened across a river where a mother duck had her ducklings in tow, lots of them, and watched in awe for ages. I sat down, and cried my heart out in the middle of nowhere in utter exhaustion, confusion, and resentment. I eventually wiped my eyes after I heard the birds around me chattering, and the wind blowing the grass, and realised the world is full of simple beautiful pleasures, and I am part of the bigger picture, one day at a time, one day at a time.

I also took sleeping tablets for months too, I figured that I was no doubt better with sleep, so it was the lesser of two evils.

Regarding contact with your ex, why are you bothering? Why are you bailing her out? 


I would tell her I'd unfortunately changed my mind, as I now don't have a job and have a few commitments coming up myself. That the court will likely be reasonable, and it would feel better to her not to be bailed out by her ex. Then go NC. Block your emails and phone. HK please nail the flamin' windows down and barricade the door if you have to. Hell I wish I lived close enough to bring you the nails lol

Look what contact with her has done to you so far. And now she wants a receipt! What the fruit-loop?

You seem a great, intelligent, caring guy with his whole life ahead of him. Once you are through the worst of these times, you will look back and shake your head at how bad it was for you. This girl is only out for herself and you deserve better. Much, much, much, much better.

Interesting video isn't it? I watch it over and over again when I feel suicidal tendencies coming up. Why? Because mostly when you go to friends and therapy you hear, it's not normal to feel depressed, but I like the attitude presented in the video. And I can relate to SO much in the video. Please god, let me die me in my sleep tonight. That thought was so much in my head last weeks, as a simple suicide ofc. is messy and would make other suffer, while dying in your sleep might prevent that. I use the video as my lucky charm in a way. It feels to me as well, that I have nowhere else to run. I can just, SO relate to it, I even feel ashamed for saying it. I also wrote a letter, just didn't send it.


You know, I have tried that. I do run, I do work out, but I do it for the endorphines, to feel a high. When I stand still, in the middle of nature, and I see the sun, flowers, etc. I get sad, I seriously get sad. I start crying (although tricky atm due to the anti depressants). I can't stand it. I mean it .


Because when we broke up, she said I had a lot of work ahead of me to make sure we would have a great friendship. Taking care of her issues, is a great sign of responsibility as an adult (why do I want to show her that I can live for myself?)... she says and this is what friends do (or should do), is what she says. She also said she really wanted to remain friends and she soo appreciated all the work i've done for her and also the lessons i've showed her in regards of love and intimacy as she got sexually and fysically abused with her previous boyfriend and I never touched her with any finger nor raged at her.

The main reason why I have not the guts to close it off is relatively simple, I am afraid that the moment I say no, she says, well, **** of then as she has threatened me many many times to cut me completely off her life, completely. And it's 'finally' over. As in completely over. That, i'm afraid off. Also because she calls me all out of a sudden or mails me then and says i'm an awesome person, will have an awesome life and that i'm just cool to hang out with.

And yes, seriously, I know, I re-read what I just wrote and again when I think about her, it's so freaking dysfunctional . I let friends slip because of her man! I let friends slip, I said to friends, sorry, can't meet tonight because (ex) wants a dinner or (ex) wants to see me tonight. I so, so soo regret it.

I just can't understand how someone wanted 1) marriage & kids now 2) wants nothing with you anymore within a short period. I simply from a rational point can't understand it.


Seriously, thank you :) If I get through this, my god, seriously, if I get through this, well, I just don't feel confident enough YET to say I will get through this. But if I will, IF, i'll make sure i'll be 1) fixed mentally and 2) when and if possible help others, however maintaining my own boundaries and making sure I don't get lost in the journey of helping others.

I keep going to T and hopefully the tendencies to end will decrease. I still feel, even as of this point, 25th of March 2013, the prospect of ending it today still feels more relieving than to battle this way for years and years to come. I just keep making appointments to make sure that I have a 'must' somewhere in the future where i'm expected preventing me from doing something stupid.

Big hugs to you HK. 

There is no right or wrong when it comes to getting through the BPD minefield, whatever works is a very personal thing, but please keep trying the things suggested here, keep trying till you find your path and it gets easier 

But the longer you hold open that door to her, the harder you will get kicked, that is when she can be bothered to even kick you. Paying her bills is above and beyond. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself everything.

I always think what would my best friend tell me? Why would I want less for myself than that?

If I was you, what would you be telling me? Then what would you wish for me?