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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: recoil on March 27, 2013, 12:44:59 PM



Title: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: recoil on March 27, 2013, 12:44:59 PM
I found an interesting opinion of a therapist online about the duration of time spent in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  For some reason, another post here made me think of it.

They said a relationship with someone with BPD either lasts 18 months or 15 years.

A person with boundaries will spend up to a year trying to get back to the idealization phase (assumes six months of that phase).  After that, they give up (6 months idealization +12 months trying to get back = 18 months total).

Someone who doesn't have the same boundaries may stay until the BPD leaves (15 years on average).

I found this quite interesting.

What do you think?



Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: rogerroger on March 27, 2013, 01:16:13 PM
I stayed 15 years. In my case her condition became steadily worse over time. Part of it was worsening substance abuse on her part, but ironically I think another part was the fact that I kept hanging in and trying to help. I saw it as my role to be the strong one, the healthy one, the patient one, not seeing my codependency for what it was.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: Vegasskydiver on March 27, 2013, 01:30:16 PM
I stayed three years but there were several recycles during that time.  Actual time in active relationship=1.5 years


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: mtmc01 on March 27, 2013, 01:31:41 PM
14 months... . idealization ended about 5-6 months in in my case.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: laelle on March 27, 2013, 01:43:44 PM
In total the relationship lasted 3 years (friend to more than friends), but actually dating, the relationship was about 18 months.  

There were recycles in that 18 months and one or two phases of idealization.  I was however never Juliette to his Romeo again.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: dkman on March 27, 2013, 01:44:57 PM
12 months. idealization ended after 2-3 months. Recyceled 4 times during theese 12 months. Idealization about 1 month every time.

she was the one to run - Eventually i had to break-up as going on in the relationship would have led to more comprimises with my self. In the end, she gave me no choise. She wouldnt break up because she had done it 3 times before - And would not be seen as the one who couldent break out of the conflict. ( i assume )

12 months is for me clearly enough to see, that i lack in keeping my boundaries and self-respect - If i had been holding them up, and if she wasn't able to cross them. It may-be could have lasted. I dont know if i shuld thank the higher powers for that. Anyways, i loved her and her personality - and i could see a future.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: Lovingwife315 on March 27, 2013, 01:49:57 PM
Together in total... . 18 years...

 

First round was about 12 months, then a 2 month break (BPD left me) then he came back and we were together about a year, in which time I became pregnant and he was with OW by the time I gave birth.

I then left him for over a year and he followed me across contry... . persued me for 6 months... . vigerously, got engaged and stayed married for 12 1/2 years till he left again last fall... .

now in a relationship with another OW

.(our now LC is mainly due to our children who are 19, 15 and 6)   He always seems to know what to say or due to hook me (every 2 weeks or so we have been getting together, and each time I had hope that this time it would recycle... . but now starting to realize how unhealthy it is.

And I wonder if I had the stregnth to go NC would he have come back already.  it is so much harder each time!


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: momtara on March 27, 2013, 01:56:50 PM
I've heard that, too.

I stayed 6 years though. 


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: paperlung on March 27, 2013, 01:58:25 PM
My ex-girlfriend had three 'official' relationships before me. Two of them lasted a year and a half, the other three months. The one that lasted only three months always perplexed me in that he apparently just abandoned ship and was never heard from again. My relationship with her only lasted about a year and a half as well.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: TheDude on March 27, 2013, 02:09:06 PM
I don't know... . it seems odd to me to try and attach any sort of time frames to anything, not to mention that there seems to be - dare I say - a 'black and white' thinking about this. Either you have boundaries (= 18 months), or you don't (= 15 years). I just don't think it works that way, as there's too many variables and circumstances.

My deal was either 3 or 7 years, depending on how you look at it. Maybe I'm just a rebel.  :)


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: nylonsquid on March 27, 2013, 02:20:49 PM
The idealization was never void of question marks and signs, I just played along. To that extent, I'm not sure how long the idealization was because it starts as idealization but gradually turns incrementally. This happened twice for around an 'officially' 6 months period. That would make it a year altogether with about 5-6 months separation (her being with someone else). She's a predictable 6 month ticking time bomb.

Also, about boundaries, I usually give the other person to be whatever they wish and don't allow them to control me. I usually accept what they want but never obey or succumb. My understanding was very frustrating to her because I didn't count on apologizing for things she wanted me to. I focused on the issue and what we can do about it. My reason and logic I think was threatening to her and the fact that she felt I'm on to something made her frustrated at me and in turn at herself. She said this actually. The more she gets upset at me the more she felt bad that she's getting upset. It's perpetual.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: TakeFlight on March 27, 2013, 02:39:24 PM
Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: mtmc01 on March 27, 2013, 02:43:45 PM
Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

Yeah, there's something to this. At first, I was very patient and understanding with all of her "issues". I could calmly tell her it's alright, no reason to be getting so upset and emotional. "I'm ****ed up", she said, within the first few weeks. Even her sister said when we were engaged within a month, "does he know how ****ed up you are?". Then, I started getting angrier and angrier.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: imstronghere2 on March 27, 2013, 02:52:16 PM
22 years.   Fought like like hell for the first 2.5 until I finally got worn down and like an idiot, I married her.  She spent the entire 19 years of our marriage breaking down the rest of my boundaries until she crossed the only one I had left, which was adultery.  She cheated and I was done.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: expos on March 27, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

AGREE.  Once I put up walls and starting fight back a little... . it was like she just shut down and devalued me.  My BPD thought highly of her mother who coddled her, but far less of her unaffectionate father who often fought back with her and was a more realistic thinker.  

I often wonder who makes a better life partner... . the one who enables the BPD, or the one who doesn't enable?  

Thoughts?  


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: hithere on March 27, 2013, 02:58:45 PM
3.5 years with 6 months living apart


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: TakeFlight on March 27, 2013, 03:10:38 PM
Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

I often wonder who makes a better life partner... . the one who enables the BPD, or the one who doesn't enable?  

Thoughts?  

i think that depends on how much you the non/enabler is willing to put up with the BPD madness.  The other necessary assumption for this is that the "abusive", or enabling parteners tend not to stick around for long... .


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: FreeLizard on March 27, 2013, 03:36:35 PM
17 months!


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: HadEnough? on March 27, 2013, 03:57:11 PM
lol... . I am in it for over 30... . Yes, I am a sucker for crying. 


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: HadEnough? on March 27, 2013, 03:58:08 PM
Years that is... . not months.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: imstronghere2 on March 27, 2013, 08:21:35 PM
30 years?  Whoa.   Time to get out and find yourself before it's too late.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: j4c on March 27, 2013, 08:57:58 PM
i feel pretty small-time but mine only lasted 5 months! Strangely enough it took longer than that to recover from it!

Looking back at the duration of her other relationships i wasnt on my own. In the last 11 years - aside from a 2yr r/s (spent alot of it pregnant) and an 18 monther, shes had at least 14 boyfriends all lasting between 1 & 6 months! And to my knowledge it was her that ended every r/s except for one! (not me)

Would the experts out there class this as a severe case of BPD?  Shes been with this new guy 3 months now and i've already heard there at each others throats. I honestly couldnt ever imagine her lasting with ANYONE for as long as some of the r/s lengths mentioned on this thread!


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: free and happy on March 27, 2013, 09:01:36 PM
I knew I should have left after the first year, 2002. She hurt herself and I felt sorry and tried to help her. Then came the first child and marriage, idealization phase I suppose, 2003. Therapy for 4-5 years and another child, 2008. 10 years later, 2013, I finally filed for divorce and left her. So all in all 12-13 years of this crap. 


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: nylonsquid on March 27, 2013, 09:23:37 PM
Would the experts out there class this as a severe case of BPD?

This is the same girl I dated? Yea, for my pwBPD, the countdown is 5 months or 6 if unlucky. I don't know what classifies as severe but when I think of it, the best way to prolong it is to not question anything, live the illusion of happiness, be successful, be loved by everyone, start building a life, move in, get married etc. This is how I believe my exgf's relationship would prolong but it would never equate to happiness. Her last bf promised her marriage and they were going to move to another far away country speaking a completely foreign language! She bailed.

Free and Happy, as I wrote above, what you did is probably what I would have done if I wanted to stay in it. I remember she told me referring to her crazy that "I was told that if I had kids it would go away".    red-flag    red-flag


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: fromheeltoheal on March 27, 2013, 10:00:53 PM
Thank you.  I heard in your post that those with boundaries wise up and get out quick, others hang around for a while.  It took me a while to wise up, and she did me the favor of making it far too painful to continue, and although I've got my issues, I always felt like the sane one, who would go insane if that kept up.  So thank you.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: bb12 on March 27, 2013, 10:08:42 PM
Wow! - yep, 18 months for me

bb12


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: chuckstrong on March 27, 2013, 10:10:46 PM
18 months exactly on April 7... . First 7-8 were phenominal... . The last 10-11 not so much.



Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: charred on March 27, 2013, 10:19:55 PM
I found an interesting opinion of a therapist online about the duration of time spent in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  For some reason, another post here made me think of it.

They said a relationship with someone with BPD either lasts 18 months or 15 years.

A person with boundaries will spend up to a year trying to get back to the idealization phase (assumes six months of that phase).  After that, they give up (6 months idealization +12 months trying to get back = 18 months total).

Someone who doesn't have the same boundaries may stay until the BPD leaves (15 years on average).

I found this quite interesting.

What do you think?

I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: GreenMango on March 28, 2013, 12:58:22 AM
I noticed a cycle over 5 years.  3 months okay, next 3 the neediness punctuated by paranoia and hostility, next 3 outright hostility and sabotaging, and 3 months crap.  Then back to 3 okay ... . Ad nauseum, ad infinitum for five years.

The breaking point when it was more painful to stay than leave, and the scary realization that this would become my normal and I wouldn't know it wasn't normal anymore.   

I think this stuff goes on as long as you let it.  There's is a pattern that's predictably unpredictable though, and there's also a lot of folklore around personality disorders.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: fromheeltoheal on March 28, 2013, 02:00:48 AM


I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.[/quote]
First time for me with her was in 1987, and then 25 years later she found me on Facebook.  Spooky similar.  And also refreshing; it feels absolutely awesome that we don't go through this alone, and there are folks here who can totally relate.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: VeryFree on March 28, 2013, 02:12:59 AM
My relationship continued for about 10 years.

At first there were excuses for her behaviour and, still living on a pink cloud, you want to help. After that, things got steadily worse and you grow into them.

Even when she breaks up after all those years, you're trying to save the marriage.

A few months apart, a lot of talks with other people, a lot of nasty things happening and the fog starts to clear: it is better this way!


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: charred on March 28, 2013, 07:41:42 AM
I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.

First time for me with her was in 1987, and then 25 years later she found me on Facebook.  Spooky similar.  And also refreshing; it feels absolutely awesome that we don't go through this alone, and there are folks here who can totally relate.[/quote]
God do I wish this resource had been available to me (and that I had realized I needed it) the first go round all those years ago. In hindsight, she was probably wanting to make me jealous and recycle and I was suicidal, left my home, my family, my successful business and all my friends, because I couldn't stand seeing her with someone else when I had honestly planned on getting married shortly.

These boards have helped enormously, I got on them after about the 6th recycle and was still on and off again with her, and it helped so much to realize it wasn't me, that she was compelled to do this stuff, and to clarify my understanding of what BPD is and how the drama works. Now I see her as a disordered person, the early stage as an act for my benefit, the clingy phase as how she is when she is needy, and the hater... . as her real true self. Harsh but each time I have doubted that view... she has reinforced it.

Creepy that you had same timing... on all this stuff I used to secretly hope I was the only one going through this hell.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: recoil on March 28, 2013, 09:03:06 AM
17 months for me.  The idealization phase was incredible, especially after the loss of my wife.  I kept trying to "get back there" after she started devaluing me.  I never could truly earn my way back.  I gave up.  I do miss those days.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: wowjer on March 28, 2013, 09:16:26 AM
My 10 years. 

Idealization for months, then we moved, then for 6 months was a struggle.  We moved back to our original meeting area.  We rented a house and as soon as we signed the lease, she left.  (august for another guy).  6 months late she returned.  Idolized me again and convinced a baby would be the best.  Said that she never could get pregnant so if it occurred, it was meant to be.  We got pregnant, she then wanted an abortion.  But chose to have the baby.  Next 9 months she went from white to black. 

Baby was born.  She idolized me for 6 months, then painted me black. 

1 year after baby was born (girl) she left in (AUGUST FOR ANOTHER GUY).  She signed away primary care to me.  6 months later she sued for custody and got another day.  6 months later she was emailing me about how she changed, got on SSRIs and was seeing a counseler.  Sent me naked pics of herself.  Sucked me right back in (I MISSED NOT HAVE MY DAUGHTER). 

6 months later she wanted another child.  things were going ok.  We got pregnant.  9 months of hell.  She hated me.  I slept on the couch.  Our son was born. 

6 months after the baby was born, she was cold.  She had no interst in physicality and told me to have sex with another person.  Instead, she wanted to have a relationship with a girl.  I nixed these things.  6 months later I got a new job and we moved. 

6 months in the new area and the new job, she idolized me.  6 months after moving she told me she wanted to leave.  left for one night and came back. 

6 months later she wanted to get married.  we got married at the justice of the peace.  6 months later she painted me black and it was rocky.  6 months later she asked for an open relationship and I said no.  She went into counseling for 3 sessions and bowed out.  6 months later she changed her name to my last name after being married for a year.  3 weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce (AUGUST and left for another guy).  she signed away custody of our kids.  6 months later she sued me for custody just on friday and got one more night.  I kept primary. 

Oh what will happen 6 months from now.  guess we will find out. 


I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS STORY. 


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: maria1 on March 28, 2013, 09:46:27 AM
My relationship lasted 10 months. I'm sorry but i seriously question the judgement of your therapist. What on earth has 18 months or 15 years got to do with anything?

Yes the idealisation generally lasts 3 to 6 months and goes in cycles. Idealisation happens in all relationships at the start but doesn't go in cycles of idealise/ devalue as it does in BPD type.

What cycle/ phase lasts 15 years in any relationship? Or 18 months for that matter?

If this comes from genuine research all well and good but it just seems a strange thing for a therapist to come up with to me.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: imstronghere2 on March 28, 2013, 10:43:48 AM
I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS STORY. 

We know man.  I just feel real bad for you and your kids.  I don't believe any of us would fabricate what we have to say about what happened to us.  The truth is just way too bizarre to try to think it could be made up since we've all lived it in one way or another.

Stay strong for those kids.  They need you.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: Mightyhammers on March 28, 2013, 11:12:35 AM
5 months – 2 and a half months were great, but then the RS nosedived and it took the same amount of time to fade out ( I can pinpoint the exact moment she started painting me black ). I expect her to come back at some point, shes done it plenty of times before when we were just friends. Hopefully Ill be a lot better equipped if and when she does, as I only really found out about BPD when she finished it


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: Setter Rob on March 28, 2013, 09:01:03 PM
I've stayed 30 years, a frog in a pot of water heating so slowly I didn't notice or else thought I was the one causing the heat. Awake to it now a couple of years and withing a couple of weeks of ending it.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: BlushAndBashful on March 28, 2013, 10:50:01 PM
7 years, from first date to last goodbye. Much of that time was broken up- so... . maybe 3 years net? 4? 

Why I stayed so long- well, I think a lot of different factors. I think because he was so HF. It wasn't like I was putting up with crap on a daily basis. He never raged, could hold down steady employment, and was beyond wonderful and extremely stable... . as long as he didn't dysregulate. Our r/s usually went from really great to sudden breakup.  Most of the time, it seemed like I was hanging out with a "normal" person.  For the first 3 years, if you would have told me he had a mental health issue (much less a PD) I would have laughed in your face.   


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: doubleAries on March 29, 2013, 12:15:06 AM
18 years total (16 1/2 of those married). And yes, I do see the direct correlation with boundaries. I got punched around relentlessy growing up and never learned any, and have this annoying belief that I have to fix someone in order for them to love me.

Enter stbx bipolar with psychotic features (paranoid delusions) with ASPD and NPD husband. I am finally extracting myself (filed for a divorce a couple weeks ago) and find myself now mired in the WW3 I thought I could avoid by staying.

Not going back though.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: mitti on March 29, 2013, 12:47:12 AM
4 years together with 2-3 recycles depending what counts as a breakup, one break lasting 7 months. Idealization phase ended after 5 months.

Had he not worn down all my defenses and broken me I reckon our r/s would have lasted a year at the most.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: VeryFree on March 29, 2013, 02:18:28 PM
 @ Setter Rob

A frog in a pot of water heating up untill it boils

Fantastic description of how I feel about the last 10 year's!

|iiii


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: ramble on on March 30, 2013, 07:20:52 AM
Major red flags from the beginning that I ignored or passed over or did not comprehend. Going through separation/divorce stuff now after 25 years. In hindsight I should have pulled the pin 10 years ago but didn't for a variety of reasons. It wasn't until a couple of years ago during a time of what I thought was a low stress time that she raged at me for something insignificant and I "lost that loving feeling" for good.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: charred on March 30, 2013, 07:55:54 AM
I think it is a good idea to be truthful with yourself about how much time was idealizing, how much normal (like any other r/s), how much clingy and how much hater, overall. It was eye opening for me. I was with my exBPDgf about 18 mos, then 27 yrs later with her another 36 months... of that entire time at most 10 mos, probably closer to 8 mos was wonderful (idealizing), about 6 mos was normal, the rest was her being clingy or hateful. Mostly hateful.

In my case the idealizing phase got past my defense, and she got the kind of reverence you would have for your mom. She acted moral/moralistic... and often what she would get mad at me about sounded somewhat reasonable... so I would take it, and try to do better, and each time the bar went higher and higher. She would get mad and change from wanting me to only talk to my exwife for a short time, to only speaking of my daughter, then it was tell her everything said on each call or I was being secretive, etc... . and a sanity check would say that my folks, the government, no one demands that level of self-reporting and that would kick off a giant fight.

My demeanor changed... my exwife said I went from an alpha male to a whipped pup over time... I wanted to argue but realized as she was chastising me about it, I was shrinking and acting like a kid being bawled out... and I realized my exwife was right. My T says its PTSD and started working on it. Feel like I need permission to do anything... . and that in reality it was abuse plain and simple.

When you take in to account the small proportion of time that was so wonderful, the small amount that was pretty normal, and the vast majority that sucked horribly it makes you wonder why we stayed.

If you grow up around dysfunction, then taste unconditional love, the hope for it keeps you on the line, especially with the intermittent sex rewards... . and the parent like reverence you have for the pwBPD combined with the grain of truth in many things they argue about... gets you to denying to yourself all the  red-flag  that they are abusing you. They isolate you, and even if you talk to family/friends... you find yourself rationalizing taking the abuse... not agreeing that your pwBPD is way over the line.

I have concluded that whether we stayed 25 yrs, 10 yrs, 1 yr, or 6 months... given the situation... . it was too long.

We deserve better.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: findingmyselfagain on March 30, 2013, 08:10:19 AM
Mine technically lasted 9 months, but it was really over after our wedding shower, less than 8 months in. That's when she hung out with another man, a co-worker, for the first time. I believe that was when her extreme insecurity and fears took the spotlight from the idealized fantasy. It took a much longer time to figure out and get through the depression, but it's very much worth the lesson! Mine was married twice before she met me (at the age of 24 y/o! RED FLAG!). Her first H lasted 2 years, but her parents talked her into staying another year. The next H "accidentally" got her pregnant so they married b/c it was the "right thing to do". That marriage only lasted about a year and a half technically. When she was going crazy toward me, her parents kept saying she would just get back with her exH b/c that was her history. So apparently I should have been much, much more wary (if not just passing on her in the first place!). No matter what the length the r/s's do not seem to be happy or stable. We're truly the lucky ones!


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: JonnyJon42 on March 30, 2013, 01:09:08 PM
Almost 10 years

At this point have no idea why i stayed this long. Haven't been happy with her in like 2 years since she comes and goes as she pleases the last 2 years and mirrors new people all the time and changes her looks and attitude like every 2 weeks to a month. Its sad but i only like her when she is mirroring me which never last long.

Just a train crash i dont want to be apart of anymore.


Title: Re: Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?
Post by: healingmyheart on March 31, 2013, 11:36:41 AM
Stayed just over 2 years... . left due to emotional abuse towards my child and I and evidence of emotional affairs.  He did a good job trying to downplay the events hence I can see where it would be hard for some people to leave.  Had it not been for my child, I would have probably been tempted to stay and give him a second chance. 

Now that I've had a few months to look back at all the dysfunction and put the pieces together, I know I made the right choice albeit hard. 

He is still coming around trying to recycle me... . It's hard because I want to believe in the facade he presents and I do get pulled in initially but I know I can never go back to that craziness... .