Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?

[VeryFree]

My relationship continued for about 10 years.

At first there were excuses for her behaviour and, still living on a pink cloud, you want to help. After that, things got steadily worse and you grow into them.

Even when she breaks up after all those years, you're trying to save the marriage.

A few months apart, a lot of talks with other people, a lot of nasty things happening and the fog starts to clear: it is better this way!

[charred]

I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.

First time for me with her was in 1987, and then 25 years later she found me on Facebook.  Spooky similar.  And also refreshing; it feels absolutely awesome that we don't go through this alone, and there are folks here who can totally relate.[/quote]
God do I wish this resource had been available to me (and that I had realized I needed it) the first go round all those years ago. In hindsight, she was probably wanting to make me jealous and recycle and I was suicidal, left my home, my family, my successful business and all my friends, because I couldn't stand seeing her with someone else when I had honestly planned on getting married shortly.

These boards have helped enormously, I got on them after about the 6th recycle and was still on and off again with her, and it helped so much to realize it wasn't me, that she was compelled to do this stuff, and to clarify my understanding of what BPD is and how the drama works. Now I see her as a disordered person, the early stage as an act for my benefit, the clingy phase as how she is when she is needy, and the hater... . as her real true self. Harsh but each time I have doubted that view... she has reinforced it.

Creepy that you had same timing... on all this stuff I used to secretly hope I was the only one going through this hell.

[recoil]

17 months for me.  The idealization phase was incredible, especially after the loss of my wife.  I kept trying to "get back there" after she started devaluing me.  I never could truly earn my way back.  I gave up.  I do miss those days.

[wowjer]

My 10 years. 

Idealization for months, then we moved, then for 6 months was a struggle.  We moved back to our original meeting area.  We rented a house and as soon as we signed the lease, she left.  (august for another guy).  6 months late she returned.  Idolized me again and convinced a baby would be the best.  Said that she never could get pregnant so if it occurred, it was meant to be.  We got pregnant, she then wanted an abortion.  But chose to have the baby.  Next 9 months she went from white to black. 

Baby was born.  She idolized me for 6 months, then painted me black. 

1 year after baby was born (girl) she left in (AUGUST FOR ANOTHER GUY).  She signed away primary care to me.  6 months later she sued for custody and got another day.  6 months later she was emailing me about how she changed, got on SSRIs and was seeing a counseler.  Sent me naked pics of herself.  Sucked me right back in (I MISSED NOT HAVE MY DAUGHTER). 

6 months later she wanted another child.  things were going ok.  We got pregnant.  9 months of hell.  She hated me.  I slept on the couch.  Our son was born. 

6 months after the baby was born, she was cold.  She had no interst in physicality and told me to have sex with another person.  Instead, she wanted to have a relationship with a girl.  I nixed these things.  6 months later I got a new job and we moved. 

6 months in the new area and the new job, she idolized me.  6 months after moving she told me she wanted to leave.  left for one night and came back. 

6 months later she wanted to get married.  we got married at the justice of the peace.  6 months later she painted me black and it was rocky.  6 months later she asked for an open relationship and I said no.  She went into counseling for 3 sessions and bowed out.  6 months later she changed her name to my last name after being married for a year.  3 weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce (AUGUST and left for another guy).  she signed away custody of our kids.  6 months later she sued me for custody just on friday and got one more night.  I kept primary. 

Oh what will happen 6 months from now.  guess we will find out. 


I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS STORY. 

[maria1]

My relationship lasted 10 months. I'm sorry but i seriously question the judgement of your therapist. What on earth has 18 months or 15 years got to do with anything?

Yes the idealisation generally lasts 3 to 6 months and goes in cycles. Idealisation happens in all relationships at the start but doesn't go in cycles of idealise/ devalue as it does in BPD type.

What cycle/ phase lasts 15 years in any relationship? Or 18 months for that matter?

If this comes from genuine research all well and good but it just seems a strange thing for a therapist to come up with to me.

[imstronghere2]

I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS STORY. 

We know man.  I just feel real bad for you and your kids.  I don't believe any of us would fabricate what we have to say about what happened to us.  The truth is just way too bizarre to try to think it could be made up since we've all lived it in one way or another.

Stay strong for those kids.  They need you.

[Mightyhammers]

5 months – 2 and a half months were great, but then the RS nosedived and it took the same amount of time to fade out ( I can pinpoint the exact moment she started painting me black ). I expect her to come back at some point, shes done it plenty of times before when we were just friends. Hopefully Ill be a lot better equipped if and when she does, as I only really found out about BPD when she finished it

[Setter Rob]

I've stayed 30 years, a frog in a pot of water heating so slowly I didn't notice or else thought I was the one causing the heat. Awake to it now a couple of years and withing a couple of weeks of ending it.

[BlushAndBashful]

7 years, from first date to last goodbye. Much of that time was broken up- so... . maybe 3 years net? 4? 

Why I stayed so long- well, I think a lot of different factors. I think because he was so HF. It wasn't like I was putting up with crap on a daily basis. He never raged, could hold down steady employment, and was beyond wonderful and extremely stable... . as long as he didn't dysregulate. Our r/s usually went from really great to sudden breakup.  Most of the time, it seemed like I was hanging out with a "normal" person.  For the first 3 years, if you would have told me he had a mental health issue (much less a PD) I would have laughed in your face.   

[doubleAries]

18 years total (16 1/2 of those married). And yes, I do see the direct correlation with boundaries. I got punched around relentlessy growing up and never learned any, and have this annoying belief that I have to fix someone in order for them to love me.

Enter stbx bipolar with psychotic features (paranoid delusions) with ASPD and NPD husband. I am finally extracting myself (filed for a divorce a couple weeks ago) and find myself now mired in the WW3 I thought I could avoid by staying.

Not going back though.

[mitti]

4 years together with 2-3 recycles depending what counts as a breakup, one break lasting 7 months. Idealization phase ended after 5 months.

Had he not worn down all my defenses and broken me I reckon our r/s would have lasted a year at the most.

[VeryFree]

  Setter Rob

A frog in a pot of water heating up untill it boils

Fantastic description of how I feel about the last 10 year's!

[ramble on]

Major red flags from the beginning that I ignored or passed over or did not comprehend. Going through separation/divorce stuff now after 25 years. In hindsight I should have pulled the pin 10 years ago but didn't for a variety of reasons. It wasn't until a couple of years ago during a time of what I thought was a low stress time that she raged at me for something insignificant and I "lost that loving feeling" for good.

[charred]

I think it is a good idea to be truthful with yourself about how much time was idealizing, how much normal (like any other r/s), how much clingy and how much hater, overall. It was eye opening for me. I was with my exBPDgf about 18 mos, then 27 yrs later with her another 36 months... of that entire time at most 10 mos, probably closer to 8 mos was wonderful (idealizing), about 6 mos was normal, the rest was her being clingy or hateful. Mostly hateful.

In my case the idealizing phase got past my defense, and she got the kind of reverence you would have for your mom. She acted moral/moralistic... and often what she would get mad at me about sounded somewhat reasonable... so I would take it, and try to do better, and each time the bar went higher and higher. She would get mad and change from wanting me to only talk to my exwife for a short time, to only speaking of my daughter, then it was tell her everything said on each call or I was being secretive, etc... . and a sanity check would say that my folks, the government, no one demands that level of self-reporting and that would kick off a giant fight.

My demeanor changed... my exwife said I went from an alpha male to a whipped pup over time... I wanted to argue but realized as she was chastising me about it, I was shrinking and acting like a kid being bawled out... and I realized my exwife was right. My T says its PTSD and started working on it. Feel like I need permission to do anything... . and that in reality it was abuse plain and simple.

When you take in to account the small proportion of time that was so wonderful, the small amount that was pretty normal, and the vast majority that sucked horribly it makes you wonder why we stayed.

If you grow up around dysfunction, then taste unconditional love, the hope for it keeps you on the line, especially with the intermittent sex rewards... . and the parent like reverence you have for the pwBPD combined with the grain of truth in many things they argue about... gets you to denying to yourself all the   that they are abusing you. They isolate you, and even if you talk to family/friends... you find yourself rationalizing taking the abuse... not agreeing that your pwBPD is way over the line.

I have concluded that whether we stayed 25 yrs, 10 yrs, 1 yr, or 6 months... given the situation... . it was too long.

We deserve better.

[findingmyselfagain]

Mine technically lasted 9 months, but it was really over after our wedding shower, less than 8 months in. That's when she hung out with another man, a co-worker, for the first time. I believe that was when her extreme insecurity and fears took the spotlight from the idealized fantasy. It took a much longer time to figure out and get through the depression, but it's very much worth the lesson! Mine was married twice before she met me (at the age of 24 y/o! RED FLAG!). Her first H lasted 2 years, but her parents talked her into staying another year. The next H "accidentally" got her pregnant so they married b/c it was the "right thing to do". That marriage only lasted about a year and a half technically. When she was going crazy toward me, her parents kept saying she would just get back with her exH b/c that was her history. So apparently I should have been much, much more wary (if not just passing on her in the first place!). No matter what the length the r/s's do not seem to be happy or stable. We're truly the lucky ones!

[JonnyJon42]

Almost 10 years

At this point have no idea why i stayed this long. Haven't been happy with her in like 2 years since she comes and goes as she pleases the last 2 years and mirrors new people all the time and changes her looks and attitude like every 2 weeks to a month. Its sad but i only like her when she is mirroring me which never last long.

Just a train crash i dont want to be apart of anymore.

[healingmyheart]

Stayed just over 2 years... . left due to emotional abuse towards my child and I and evidence of emotional affairs.  He did a good job trying to downplay the events hence I can see where it would be hard for some people to leave.  Had it not been for my child, I would have probably been tempted to stay and give him a second chance. 

Now that I've had a few months to look back at all the dysfunction and put the pieces together, I know I made the right choice albeit hard. 

He is still coming around trying to recycle me... . It's hard because I want to believe in the facade he presents and I do get pulled in initially but I know I can never go back to that craziness... .