BPDFamily.com

Okay all of you good folks I finally did it. Some of you know that I have been dealing with my BiP/BPDh and his possible Pedophilia. I just made a call to the sheriff department and asked them if the sites he has been visiting and masturbating to are illegal.

The reason I had to ask is because they are "non nude preteen model" sites BUT the whole problem is these girls are ages approx. 7-14 years old and they are dressed in lingerie, thongs and bikinis but you can see their breasts and genitals through the clothing. This is reprehensible to me but if these sites are not illegal then what good is it to call the police?

I also asked the officer if there was some way they could remotely monitor his pc and catch him viewing this crap? They can but it takes a of lot work and they have to be able to contact me at any time which is not a good thing because he will become suspicious. I have though just met with the Lieutenant who is taking my report and I gave him copies of the things I have found on my H's pc.

 

I am scared to death, sick to my stomach and shaking almost uncontrollably because this is about to open a HUGE stinky can of worms and my life is about to be turned upside down in worse ways than ever if this is illegal. Please pray for me but most importantly those babies don't deserve to be done that way!

I'm going to go puke now... .  

What did they tell you to do in the meantime?

Act normal and wait to hear from them. I'm nearly in tears for doing this and my stomach is knotted and hurting. I almost hate my H for putting me in this situation.

Bellamina, have you put together a safety plan?

Bellamina, this is very courageous! I hope the police offer you some means of support and protection if they proceed with an investigation.

No, but I am not being named in the report and I have been told that if H finds out there are things LE can put in place to keep me safe. I discussed it in length with the Lt and he promised me everything would be done to protect me if this leads to my H arrest. I just could not sit back and ignore this any longer. It has been eating at me and I have been physically ill as a result.

I agree it is courageous.  I believe you have done the right thing.  If what he has done is proved to be illegal, let the police handle it.

This is the time to keep your cool.  

Now it's time to watch after you, which means having your safety plan, and your wits about you and the police at an arms distance, if needed.  

Why don't I feel courageous? What I actually feel is sick, vengeful, mean and all other sorts of horrible things. If he is arrested then I will go into hiding immediately and file for divorce.

That is something only you can answer.  Part of it is the unknown.  You do not know what is going to happen, or how he will respond.  This is where you need to have some control, and KNOW what you are going to do if things go awry.  That is the only comfort now that may help, and is why we are asking you do you know exactly where you will go... .  you say 'into hiding'... .  where is that?  Do you have a place?

Bellamina, he has made some choices which gave you no option than to report it - you have done the right thing and while its a hard decision I would have done the same. This matter is not just one that affects you or him - he is looking at child porn - you are being diligent.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.msg1116991#msg1116991 - please right out a safety plan here in this thread and we can help to ensure you feel secure/protected.

I have nowhere to go but out of state to my sisters. I do not want to go to her because she has young children and if he gets out of jail he will try to find me there. I MAY have one place I can go for a short time that he would never look for me but I have to contact that person if this leads to my H arrest. I have no family but my sister and no friends at all to speak of.

Now is the time to be resourceful and plan - be alert but not alarmed.

This made me cry... .  If you feel something is wrong, it is smart to ask for help.  It does not mean you are weak, sick or stupid if you askd for help.  You are doing something positive for yourself.

I know I did the right thing but it still makes me feel horrible. I just re-read some of the things I have copied from his web searches and I am now feeling much better about making the call to LE. I still feel bad but not as bad and feeling better as I talk with all of you. I'm gonna get mad again before it's all said and done and that will be my resolve to walk away and never look back.

As long as if you getting mad does not lead to any irrational actions.  


I totally hear you, and understand.  Asking for help can be hard, but can be a break through moment, too.

Where is he now?

My becoming angry will only serve to protect me. My H is not home right now but will be in a short time.

I had to ask about the websites and stuff because it was eating me alive and when I called LE and told them my concerns the Lt informed me that he could not ignore the call and was in a position that he had to make a report. Because of that I gave him the information and evidence that I have so that he can make an informed decision on the legality of my husbands actions. I will not take responsibility for my husbands choices and I will not defend him I just felt ill because I know what is to come as a result of me "telling on him" if he does indeed get arrested.

Bellamina, you did the right thing and you are brave. You need a plan, as people pointed to you. Talk to a counselor, welfare agent or whatever you have in your country. Just in case. You need information for all possible scenarios.

Take care! 

From what I understand, the Lieutenant is going to review what I gave him and then if he finds that it is illegal material he is going to notify our state attorney. They will then have to make a decision on whether they will prosecute him or not. This could take a few days or maybe even a cpl weeks for the Lt to review and make a decision to arrest my H or not I'm sure.

I will be okay and have spoken with my sister, she has told me that I am more than welcome to stay with her if I need to hide. I thanked her but I'm going to hide in place for now. I am not afraid of my husband and he knows that. He also knows that I will defend myself in any way necessary. The Lt told me that he is keeping the report confidential so my H will not know I made the report. I can also get an OOP to keep him away from me. I may have other resources for staying out of sight until I can make better plans but I am waiting for the final decision before I opt for those choices.

Bellamina

I just want to say I really admire you for this courageous act. You have absolutely done the right thing, a very important thing.

I wish you strength in the following days and I just wanted to add my voice to those behind you right now.

A few things about your situation, Bellamina, which is a difficult one - no doubt about that.

First, it sounds like there is something very off about what he has been viewing on the internet.  I do agree it's something that is a problem, even if it's because there seems to be some consistent pattern.  I do believe you had to do something to try and get and answer.

The question I want to ask you is what if the police come back and say they have found that what he has been viewing is coming up because he is doing random searches that bring up these type of sites, but that they believe it is not what he is looking for.  For example, I do searches on stuff sometimes, and sites come up that I'm not sure if they are what I want, so I click on them and realize it is not what I want.

So, is this a problem that regardless of the outcome with the police, that you can no longer tolerate and want to leave, or is this something that if they come back and do not do anything, will you stay?

I have been monitoring his internet activity since around April 7th. I installed a keylogger on his pc that also takes a screenshot of everything on his monitor every 60 seconds.

He is purposely typing in the website addresses and searches. No one types "prime ass teen" or "prime jailbait" into their search bar by mistake and what of the following link? Beautiful Young preteen models 9 - 15 y.o. www(dot)youngangels (or) Lolly List - young little 8-12yo lolly galleries of cute nonude girls! www(dot)lollylist... .  Would you click on that? And the photos I have seen that he has been viewing as evidenced by the screenshots tell me again that he is viewing them purposely.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I never go off half cocked on an accusation. I patiently gather my evidence and I then confront the person. These links and sites he is looking at now are nothing compared to the despicable photos I found on his pc 2 years ago.

Like I said in a previous post, he was able to explain away the reason they were on his pc last time because of the guy who had been living with us and had just moved out shortly before. He claimed the photos belonged to him. I believed my husband at the time because I had never had any reason to believe he would be involved in crap like that. I know now I was wrong.

What was on his pc before was photos of blatant child sexual abuse. One of the photos was of a nude little girl around 5 to 8 years old, posed on her hands and knees. Directly behind her on his knees and with an erect penis was an adult man who was taking the photos. One of the pages my H had visited during that time had a link showing photos of a 4 year old little girl being forced to perform oral sex along with other deplorable acts, on her pet dog.

And this is the clincher... .  one night around 3am I woke up and he was not in bed, which in itself is not unusual since we keep odd hours BUT, I walked into the living room and caught him masturbating to a photo of a girl in black lingerie. He clicked out of the photo too quickly for me to estimate her age but knowing what I know now? I'm 99.9% positive it was an underaged little girl because he jumped sky high and started stuttering when I just looked at him with murder in my eyes.

There is no way that he is NOT purposely looking for and viewing that trash and if the police do not have enough to arrest him this time I will continue to collect evidence until it is enough. I was sexually abused as a child by my own father I WILL NOT TOLERATE that from my husband or any other man in my life.

I believe it is a problem.  So do you see the only way out of your relationship is him going to jail?

No, not at all. I have been making plans to leave since I discovered his recent activities at the end of March. I am not using the cops as my escape plan, I have no desire to see my H possibly go to prison for years if not life, I have no desire to be a part of ruining his life.

The problem with my H is that even though I have shown him that I know what he is doing he continues to deny he has done it or has done anything wrong. If he is unwilling to admit to what he has done then how can he be treated for it?

I refuse to live with a Pedophile who could possibly or maybe already has crossed the line. Just for him to even think about searching for that crap is despicable but he has taken it too far and purposely searched for it, used it to masturbate and has saved the crap to his pc. I have no idea if he has ever sexually abused a child but, there was an incident when we lived in California that he was detained by the police and questioned for hours because he was accused of peeping into our neighbors 11 year old girls bedroom window in our apartment complex. He was also accused of peeping into the bedroom window of woman in the same complex.

Maybe I'm just stupid but I did not believe that incident because it had never happened before or since to my knowledge. Peeping is not something that just occurs overnight it is something that begins in childhood or adolescence and my husband had never been caught doing anything like that in his life.

Since this new stuff has come to light I have been going back in my memory and remembering incidents that now appear suspicious to me. I am writing it all down and researching the links between incidents to see if there is some warning sign I missed through the years.

That is some disturbing evidence you have.

Since you have stated that these acts are a deal breaker for you... .  I assume that means you have a value based boundary regarding his activity.

Since you state that you have all the evidence you need to determine your boundary has been violated, what consequences come from violating your boundary... .  other than reporting it to the authorities?

If law enforcement doesn't enforce consequences for breaking the law (boundary) how will you enforce the consequences of breaking your boundary?  In other words... .  what are you going to do regardless of what any one else does?

Like I said before, I have already started making plans to leave him. I will not tolerate a pedophile in my life.

I'm glad you are making plans... .  and I hope you are also have an emergency plansfor a quick escape on a minute's notice. If the police do "something" it will obviously unsettle things in your house a lot... .  and "something" may not involve and arrest, leaving you to deal with the fallout--whether he blames you or not!

Hi GK,

He will of course blame me because there is no other way LE could find out about his activities unless someone told them and there is no one else in the house but me.

Surprisingly I'm just not scared. I stopped being afraid of him so many years ago and I'm so used to having to physically fight with him that it's just second nature to me. I know I shouldn't have to think about defending myself against him but if it has to happen then so be it. I'm resigned to it.

I really just want it all to be over with so I can get on with healing and living again. I have no choice but to stay here simply because I have no job, no money, no family and no friends. We exist on his disability of $700 a month so there is nothing left for me to save. Besides, he controls all of the money since it's his SSI. If I go to work he loses everything, his check AND his medical care. If that happens I WILL be in a mess because without his meds he is volatile, even more unpredictable and violent and borders on psychotic depression.

I'm screwed both ways to Sunday so I would rather tackle the lesser of his two evil personalities.

When you say this, what do you want to be done with?

Him, his lies, his abuse, this marriage. For all of these years all I wanted was a "normal" marriage with genuine love, respect, trust and honesty. I have fought and fought for that but it's never going to happen. Although in the past I had entertained the idea of leaving I could never bring myself to do it. I always felt guilty for wanting to "give up".

I always knew there was something wrong with my husband we just couldn't get anyone else to understand and help. Finally in 2002 he was dx with the BPD and put on medication and then in 2006 he was dx BiPolar. It has been an uphill battle to get him to the point he is now as far as mood stability. I know medication is just a bandaid and he needs talk therapy, the problem is getting him to follow through.

The discovery of the child porn 2 years ago made me sick but because he was able to justify why it was on his pc I was able to let it go. This newest discovery has destroyed any trust I still had for him. I know my husband is sick in many more ways than BiP and BPD and he needs help. I cannot help him, I cannot save him, I cannot force him to seek help and I will not stick it out this time. Not for this.

This sounds really positive to me Bellamina. It really sounds like you have recognised that you can't do anything to help his situation - only he can do that.

I went through a similar situation, watching BPD/Nxh grooming young girls on the internet and in our home but I never had evidence and he always managed to turn it into me being overly jealous and vindictive and trying to make him into something he wasn't, it was my sick mind etc.

I was called by a mother of a 14 year old girl who told me he was having a sexual relationship with her and she wanted my help to trap him and get him arrested. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and not thinking straight. I obviously told her I had no knowledge of what was happening and we were separated at the time. The girl was in love with BPD/Nxh and wouldn't give him up to police so no charges were laid. Furthermore, the mother "loved" BPD/Nxh and had sent him love notes and asked him to run away with her and I didn't know what was true and what was fabricated. He told me he loved her like a sister and felt sorry for her because her mother was crazy... .  

At the time I believed him, but years later, like you, I looked at it and the circumstances very differently and saw gaping holes in so much. I reported everything to police some years ago but no arrest was made or investigation completed to my knowledge. I fear anything happening as the kids dad will go to jail, but I fear nothing happening because it may place my daughter and others at risk. I feel sick each time I need to recount the story and I know that he is denying everything and getting away with it too. Horrible. Sick. Unjust.

The reason I told you that story is because no arrest was forthcoming, nothing happened, and I stayed in the relationship for 4 years beyond that first accusation. I became numb to to truth, started to question my judgement and intuition and allowed myself to be played.

I hope you become strong enough to leave regardless of what happens and it spite of it. Be ready.

Kormilda,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, I know that was a very troubling time for you and has affected you profoundly.

I have dealt with so much BS from my husband and had accepted it as my burden to bear as his wife but this I cannot deal with. Being the victim of sexual abuse by my own father has made me ultra sensitive to that subject. When I found the child porn the first time I was so scared, sick and angry I could barely think or function. When I found it this time I was the same way but this time I KNEW he had lied to me and I set my heart, mind and soul on leaving.

It's one thing for something like that to be on your pc through no fault of your own, it's another thing entirely for it to be there purposely. It takes everything I have in me NOT to just kick the ever loving crap out of him but I refuse to go to jail because of him. He is a filthy, disgusting low-life and BiP/BPD be damned, there is NO EXCUSE for that behavior.

I find myself goading him about it as well while I wait for LE to make their decision. He will say something and leave himself wide open for ridicule and I take advantage of it. Should I? Probably not but he refuses to admit what he's done and is still doing and keeps denying he ever looked at those websites even though I have undeniable concrete proof that he did! I cannot understand the lying ESPECIALLY in the face of evidence! UGH!

I keep thinking back on incidents over the last 19 years that seem to point to his sickness. I feel stupid for being so blind but I was neck deep in the cesspool of his mental illnesses and there was no coming up for air or light at the end of the tunnel at the time. The first 5 months we were married he beat me EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was in survival mode, who had time to think?

He sure saw me coming from a mile away and I had "I'm a sucker, please abuse me" stamped boldly on my forehead.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that the naive, immature, trusting, forgiving person I was when I met BPD/Nxh doesn't exist in me anymore, but it's hard to look at yourself at the beginning with the "experienced" eyes that you have now. It always hurts to see the kindness abused in such a frightening way. He is the one that should feel shame, not you.

You asked if you should take advantage of things that he says - probably not because it only exposes you to more risk and it's more important than ever to lay low and take care of yourself. He can probably feel a shift in your demeanor and you don't want to let him know that you are getting stronger. It just triggers more abuse etc.

Can you walk away? I know that sounds feeble, but if you can hold your tounge and not engage it will probably bide you well.

I am sorry that you had to contend with terrible acts in your childhood and also as an adult. I really want happiness and peace for you and you really sound like you are ready for it.

Have you called a DV centre or church yet? Do you know what emergency help is available in your area if you need it urgently?

I will be the person I was before I met my husband, only now much wiser. I have a big soft heart and a very kind soul in spite of him. I have not been able to show that side of myself very often and most ppl think I'm just a b*itch on 2 feet but that is because of the constant stress I live under.

I am aware of the support in my community but I have pets that I will not leave behind and there is no support for them outside of our home. He will be cruel to them and possibly kill them as a means to hurt me, I hate him for knowing all of my weaknesses and he has none.

As for keeping my jibes to myself, I can do that and have been doing a better job as I think of how peaceful and happy my life is going to be once he's out of it.

He is definitely aware that my attitude has changed and he is right now "acting" sheepish. We know that with a BPD their feelings as such are typically insincere and they perform in ways that normal society expects them to instead of actually doing it out of true feelings. I don't mean to say they are robots and have no feelings at all but I honestly believe the only thing they CAN feel is anger and paranoia. They seem to have no genuine ability to feel happiness or joy and no genuine aptitude of responsibility, honesty, trust or loyalty.

I don't know what is available... .  have you really looked for places that could take your pets in temporarily while you are in a shelter? If you call resources like your local domestic violence hotline or shelter, they might have suggestions for you.

I hate the idea of something happening to your pets. I also hate the idea of something happening to you because you are worried for the safety of your pets.

Surely there is a safe way out for both. Staying in the medium/long-term while you look for a job is going to be very difficult for you!

No worries, I know how to "behave myself" to stay safe.

There really is no help for my pets and I just will not allow them to suffer. If that means I get hurt then I'll just get hurt.

I am determined to have a better life and I will die trying to accomplish that if I have to. I know that sounds crazy to most people and maybe I am but I am also determined to do this.

Well, if you do get hurt - as much as we don't want that to happen - and are able to call for help such as 911 for emergency responders, then you can seek extended protection.  If you are granted a protection order or restraining order, even if just for the short term, will force him to be the one to live elsewhere while it is in effect.  That would give you some time to make arrangements for yourself and the pets.

Very important, if you do have to call, don't delay doing so.  Delay is your enemy.  Emergency responders will rush to help you as long as it's an emergency situation.  Once time has passed or the situation is no longer imminent, those same agencies may be limited in how much support and aid they can extend.

For example, not to make light of anything of course, if you called 911 and said, "Last week I felt in danger from XX, please help me." you could possibly hear a reply such as "Please call back when it's an emergency again."  It may not actually be like that, you may get some limited assistance or guidance, but I don't think I'm far off.  You have to call while it is still an emergency or as soon as possible thereafter.

That is very true and let's hope it doesn't get to that point. Believe me when I say that I have wracked my brain for a better solution but there just is nothing else available for me that will also benefit my pets. They are like my children and maybe no one can understand that feeling but I am not willing to sacrifice them any more than I would sacrifice my own child.

You say earlier in this thread that you are not afraid of him but in another thread you say you are worried he might try and kill you. I think you are deep in FOG and you should think about 2 things:

1) Your name is not on the report, but if he is investigated he will be pretty sure you initiated it unless he has been sharing his surfing habits with others.

2) You also say you "refuse to live with a Pedophile who could possibly or maybe already has crossed the line." Yet you are still there. Why (besides your cats)? This is something to ask yourself, you don't need to justify yourself to any of us of course.

I strongly agree with other posters here that you MUST have a safety plan in place. That means you can be out the door and know where you need to go given 2 minutes notice. Even having just a neighbor that is willing to hide you in their closet while the cops come and get you is better than doing nothing.

You're right, I don't have to justify myself to anyone and I'm not going to. I'm starting to regret even becoming a member of this site and trying to find answers and maybe some support. It seems that the choices I am making for myself don't meet with anyone's approval and I certainly didn't know that was a requirement to a be a member here. I won't apologize or justify my decisions and if anything I have said offends someone well, you'll just have to be offended.

I apologize for my bluntness Bellamina, I am not trying to judge you nor am I offended by what you say. I am just worried for your safety based on the things you have said. This is a good place with lots of supportive people, we just want to help. I don't think any of us want to pile on the huge stress you are going through. It took a huge amount of courage to call the cops, I know. My advice is tempered with experience of what could happen, not necessarily what will happen. Better safe than sorry though, as the sorry end of that equation runs deep. In the end only you can make any decisions, but please stick around and keep sharing your story.

If it makes everyone feel better I just spoke to the detective and this is what he told me;

"Child Erotica" is NOT illegal in Florida EVEN if the child is nude! As long as the child is NOT touching themselves in a sexual way, engaged in sexual conduct or showing their nude genitals then it is perfectly legal. So, according to the law in my state my husband is perfectly OKAY to view, fantasize and jack off to images of children no matter if they are nude or dressed and posed provocatively. Well, that just makes me feel soo much better. NOT! Whatever, it seems I'm the idiot for finding it offensive and immoral. I'm off of this board just thought you all should have some "closure".

Good luck to you Bellamina!

Take care, we'll be here for you if you change your mind.





lbjnltx

All the best Bellamina - we are certainly here if you feel you need the support.

Bellamina,

I do hope you pop back on the boards and give us an update on your situation and how you are doing.  I admire you for being able to open up and write your thoughts as they come to you without filtering them for the audience or for approval, there are several members that are just like you with your thoughts and I really appreciate the honesty, the insight, the realness of your situation.  I am 100% sure there are members on this board who have gone or are going through similar circumstances, for them and for those of us who paticipate on this board with our own experiences I am thankful that you are addressing the behaviors of BPD, BiP, and your reactions to being in this r/s with your husband.

Thank you. 

I have read articles that those with mixed dx's that are are on antidepressants can impact hypersexuality.  One said that BiP should only be given AD as a last resort when heavily sedated and or facing severe depression due to medications to help with major symptoms.  It seems to send a BiP individual into hypermania.  Not sure if that fits into your situation, but I wanted to write it in case he has had frequent med changes if he is medicated for his diagnosis.

Back to you, please pop back on the boards when you are ready. I understand you may feel like there is a judge and jury here, but please do not feel that way.  Many of us have stressful situations just like yours and when our main communication is writing, sometimes we don't come through as caring or concerned.  We are and I hope you find that here again.

Another approach to your pets and their safety might be to try listing a foster ad on craigslist and finding a foster parent to watch them for a few weeks.  Maybe you can say you will have to visit an ailing family member out of town soon and need to find a match for your pets as they can't come with you?  If you try that and are able to find a caring person to look after your pets, I think you'll have relief if you ever need to use them.

Lots of  .