BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I am not sure if you guys have experienced this but my exbf was always in hurry to be 'married'. Briefly, i believe my exbf is surffering NPD and a bit of BPD.

December 2011, 3 months into the long distance r/s, and our first long vacation he proposed marriage to me. He knew i was not a 'believer' due to the toxic marriages i witnessed (parents and a few friends) - but i also told him i needed time. The following months were a level up in 'Love bombing' - more calls, texts, emails, sweet talks etc. We did have a few arguements too but he always apologised immediately or cried saying it hurts him more to yell at me or hurt me.

On his visit to me on my birthday, i accepted his proposal. But it frustrated him that i asked him another 6-9 months, as i had to give an entrance exam and was preparing to go to Germany for my studies. He was even more angry that UK (he lives there) was my second choice. After 5 months since then he persuaded me to take him to my parents so we can get married atleast by early 2013. He always stated that 'he was not getting an younger' (33yrs) and wanted to have a family asap.

Fastforward, Jan this year he broke up with me as he was frustrated with this r/s. Although i was still working out on everything his way, postponed my dreams just to make his dream come true - to 'marry' him. May end he married someone new he met 3 months before his wedding.

Is 'marriage' of great importance to them? Is that all he wanted - marriage? Even if it meant to abandon the ones who loved him, who he loved (or so)? Is this their ultimate meaning for life long happiness?

My own personal take on this is that he believes that once he is married, he will be normal.  Settled, secure, safe.  He will be "fixed".

It's only once he has GOTTEN married, that he will realise nothing has changed... . that is why so many of BPDs run from their marriages after a few weeks/months, leaving the other partner reeling in shock. x

mango_flower,

A good possible reason - why they want a quick 'fix'. I think all the past 'futile' relationships have made his fear of abandonment stronger. Also, may be he thought all the pain he was in was due to the void he is in would subside drastically. The day he analysed my chances to marry him were bleak - he dumped me.

But this obsession about 'wife' was scary in a way. And as he turned 33yrs he believed any more delay he would not find 'good women' to marry.

My dxbpBPDexgf was desperate for us to get married, I never really saw the appeal. When I eventually proposed I think I began the end of the relationship - it had happened exactly the same in prior relationships.

She told me in the end she believed if someone 'truly loved her' it would fix her - the power of genuine 'true', 'pure' love, marriage for her was an extension of that. She genuinely believes this still I think.

Marriage was always incredibly important to her even when she was very young apparently.

It makes me sad to think she will most likely continue this pattern her whole life.

I agree with Mango Flower.

Many people hold the "mythical" belief that once married they will be happy, whole, acceptable, validated and normal once they cross the threshold of marriage. You don't have to be BPD to have this culturally conditioned ingrained belief.

In the case of your NPD/BPD rushing into marriage it may be his way of securing a permanent source of supply so that he doesn't have to go shopping for it as often. :)

What won't be the case is that marriage will cure his mental illness. He isn't getting married to be a good husband or a quality partner. Respect will not magically appear and happiness will not endure. If anything... . marriage will trigger his narcissism more profoundly because the projection of ugly only gets more intense with familiarity. They are miserable tortured souls and they need bodies to blame. Who not better to blame for your inner ugly than your wife or your husband?

On the receiving end of that will be the person who is wedded to this man. Not good. Not good at all. And nothing to be envious of.

I do think on some level they get weary of the cycles of damaging experiences they tend to accumulate so marriage can be viewed as some kind of "hope in a jar" cure all. Perhaps the "for better or for worse" vows make them hopeful that someone will somehow desire to stay with them in spite of their severe shortcomings due to their mental illness.

My BPD/NPDexbf wanted to be married for supply. It was never about me, growing together in unconditional love, respect and admiration, or having a desire to please and live in happiness. It was and always will be about securing permanent supply. To me marriage is the perfect hiding place for a mentally ill person to appear normal.

Hope this helps.

Great insight BPDspell, thank you!

I understand that most of us fear living alone for the rest of our lives. And I assumed he was right as he was 33yrs and single while all his friends and younger cousind were married or fathers already. He always cried about it, and said how envious he was of them. Towards the tail end our r/s by when he gave up on me  he said love is not prime factor in marriage and happines is just a fleeting moment