BPDFamily.com

I wish for the life of me that he'd just leave me alone.  Why try to draw me into his life again?  What possible benefit could it give him? 

I disconnected myself from my (enmeshed?BPD?NPD? I have no way of knowing) brother after I realized he and his wife were a constant litany of drugs and drama.  I was already NC with BPD mom, NPD dad, and the enmeshed family.  Losing my brother was my last... . thread of connection to my family.  It HURT.  However, I realized my brother was so completely self-absorbed that he was potentially dangerous to my kids.  How do I explain, "Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Weirdo didn't *mean* it when he said someone was trying to kill him.  He just had too many grown-up drinks."  Every single word out of his mouth was frightening to the kids, full of life-or-death crises... . and he only called me or tried to have a relationship with me in the midst of a crisis. When he was high.  If I picked up the phone, I knew 100% of the time (not 99.9%) there was something HORRIBLE going on that I just HAD to deal with right-freaking-now.   From three states away. 

My role in my family was simple.  Joan Lachkar calls it the "toilet-breast."  Someone to suck from, and dump all your crap into.  Disconnecting with my brother was my last-ditch effort to not be a "toilet-breast" for family members any more. 

Now, he's calling me over and over again about a new, life-changing development in his life.  If we had a good relationship, I should really care.  If we had a bad relationship, I should really care.  The truth is, we have *no* relationship.  None. I'm not a part of his life, apart from my old role.  He's not calling me because he wants to share this new awesome or scary or traumatic thing with me.  He's calling because he needs to suckle for comfort, and dump all his fears into me, even though I haven't spoken with him in a year and a half. Gosh, get some therapy, and get a freaking life. 

I hate feeling so cold towards him.  I hate feeling so indifferent.  I want to have a warm relationship with him, not play a "role."  He's so demented that I know that will never happen. 

Gosh, I'm sorry for dumping all of this here.  Thanks for being there.

I don't think you're dumping - I think you need support.

I totally understand where you're coming from. The anticipation that when you pick up the phone that it's going to be another drama dumped on you. Now, if he really wanted your help, he would ask for that help, but he sounds like he just needs to dump. You're right. Has he ever asked how you are - and meant it? I know people like your brother, as well. They never want to know if you need any help, they just want to "dump". If you mention something about  yourself; it's dismissed as unimportant and uninteresting.

I'm all alone in a state that is far away from where I was raised. The only time I got a card or phone call (back home), it was a reminder that I was being a bad daughter. If I got a phone call from my mother after one of her angry weeks, I knew it was going to be a drama that I would have to deal with. Back then, all I wanted was some peace.

Now, I rarely get a phone call from anyone. No one really knows where I live - except my cousin who called me when my mother died. I really don't know why he called me. I guess he didn't think they called me. In reality, he doesn't want a relationship... . never did. He was often used as either the golden or blackened child. He has his own problems that he never discusses with me. I'm a stranger to him, although we were raised almost like sister and brother. But, for the most part, my life is so different from the drama days. Yes, it can get lonely but then I think back when all I was good for was being my mother's scapegoat and it feels better. The only dramas I have are my own - and I try to down play them.

After a while, it will feel better for you too. You just have to get around the habit of being his toilet breast (great term). I remember that feeling of being all alone and it hurt for a while but then I realized that any relationship that involved my mother's influence was not good for me. I had to do the right thing and I think you made the right decision too. 

Hi tryintogetby,


Why try to draw you into his life again?  Free therapy.

If your brother is also BPD, then he gets to project all his real and imagined problems onto you.  And probably then complain about you (and all the problems he's projected onto you) to the rest of your family.


By engaging your brother on his terms rather than your terms, you may still be the default "toilet-breast" by proxy.  There is always the likelihood that he is triangulating between you and everyone else in your FOO.  In a dysfunctional BPD family, so long as there is an assigned black-sheep, everyone can still dump on you even though you are not present.


Free therapy.  Bingo.

I have some old friends (from middle school), who are more like acquaintances to me now, who I suspect of having BPD, that utilize me in a similar fashion.  Infrequent phone calls start off with "this is what is great and new about me" and eventually segway into "how awful so-and-so has treated me and they are out of my life now".  Very, very little reciprocity.  I've stopped updating on my side just to see if there is any curiosity to inquire.  Nope.  I could be as interactive as a tape recording and I think that would be sufficient.

Before when I was younger, I thought that this was what "closeness" or "intimacy" was: other people sharing with you their feelings.  And that could be good, if there were an iota of ability to return the favor and to be supportive to you as well.  But in the absence of that reciprocity, it's just free therapy.


You hate feeling cold and indifferent towards family.  But if family treats you in a manner that justifies your feelings, listen to your feelings. 

And grieve over the loss of that relationship that could have been but probably never will be.  As a child you had no choice over your family.  As an adult you can choose who you decide to invest your time into.  You get to pick your "family" now.

Best wishes, Schwing