Hi tryintogetby,
I wish for the life of me that he'd just leave me alone. Why try to draw me into his life again? What possible benefit could it give him?
Why try to draw you into his life again? Free therapy.
If your brother is also BPD, then he gets to project all his real and imagined problems onto you. And probably then complain about you (and all the problems he's projected onto you) to the rest of your family.
My role in my family was simple. Joan Lachkar calls it the "toilet-breast." Someone to suck from, and dump all your crap into. Disconnecting with my brother was my last-ditch effort to not be a "toilet-breast" for family members any more.
By engaging your brother on his terms rather than your terms, you may still be the default "toilet-breast" by proxy. There is always the likelihood that he is triangulating between you and everyone else in your FOO. In a dysfunctional BPD family, so long as there is an assigned black-sheep, everyone can still dump on you even though you are not present.
Now, he's calling me over and over again about a new, life-changing development in his life. If we had a good relationship, I should really care. If we had a bad relationship, I should really care. The truth is, we have *no* relationship. None. I'm not a part of his life, apart from my old role. He's not calling me because he wants to share this new awesome or scary or traumatic thing with me. He's calling because he needs to suckle for comfort, and dump all his fears into me, even though I haven't spoken with him in a year and a half. Gosh, get some therapy, and get a freaking life.
Free therapy. Bingo.
I have some old friends (from middle school), who are more like acquaintances to me now, who I suspect of having BPD, that utilize me in a similar fashion. Infrequent phone calls start off with "this is what is great and new about me" and eventually segway into "how awful so-and-so has treated me and they are out of my life now". Very, very little reciprocity. I've stopped updating on my side just to see if there is any curiosity to inquire. Nope. I could be as interactive as a tape recording and I think that would be sufficient.
Before when I was younger, I thought that this was what "closeness" or "intimacy" was: other people sharing with you their feelings. And that could be good, if there were an iota of ability to return the favor and to be supportive to you as well. But in the absence of that reciprocity, it's just free therapy.
I hate feeling so cold towards him. I hate feeling so indifferent. I want to have a warm relationship with him, not play a "role." He's so demented that I know that will never happen.
You hate feeling cold and indifferent towards family. But if family treats you in a manner that justifies your feelings, listen to your feelings.
And grieve over the loss of that relationship that could have been but probably never will be. As a child you had no choice over your family. As an adult you can choose who you decide to invest your time into. You get to pick your "family" now.
Best wishes, Schwing