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I was split black 7 months ago by my exBPDgf and she has never looked back. She went from loving me (wanting to marry me) to hating me (calling police/filing false restraining order, ruining my friendship with my best friend and dating him) just instantaneous. It is like a switch went off in her brain. It is hard to wrap my brain around her thoughts and actions. Even after all the lying and trying to ruin my reputation, no apologies, hence, no empathy. Can anyone with BPD explain how this thought process transforms? Sorry if I posted on the wrong board.

Splitting a person black essentially means repressing unpleasant thoughts, feelings and memories into a place that is deeply removed from the conscious mind. It's a survival mechanism used by them to help them deal with their disordered thoughts and overwhelming feelings of shame and imagined abandonment pain. Because we are unsuspecting of their mental condition we aren't even aware of "how" they are experiencing us and how our love, intimacy and feelings of vulnerability are triggering their disordered thoughts and feelings of engulfment. We aren't even aware of their internal unraveling as the relationship progresses because they are that good at hiding behind the mask.

So by the time the rug is pulled we are emotionally hemorrhaging trying to decipher what the hell actually happened to the person we believed we knew. Turns out we only knew their "representative."

The Black and White thinking comes from them not really having a core stable identity due to trauma and neglect they experienced as children. So white means all good, all perfection, zero flaws, everything is magical and black means everything about you is bad, ugly, evil and we become the enemy. White is idealization and Black is devaluation. They have a limited capacity for gray thinking because shades of grey are developed as we emotionally mature and develop a core self. This is why their behavior is so irrational and over the top.

Spell

Thanks Spell. So when she called the police and filed a false restraining order on me, did she actually think of me as EVIL and believe her lies, or was she faking it to punish me? Did she actually believe her lies in the courtroom? I observed her in the courtroom and she was not the same person that I knew for so long. I had never mistreated her and she wanted to make me out to look like the devil. It literally tore me apart. I didn't know if she was faking it to hurt me for not marrying her or if she actually believed me to be evil.

When you explain that she was repressing unpleasant thought and feelings from her own conscious, are you talking about unpleasant thoughts about me or about her childhood? I was definitely her punching bag from whatever she was repressing.

I don't know how it works, but I know it can be really extreme... . I had police threats made. Now she just treats me like I'm dead... . This can change. Being split black. You can be split white again. I know my ex used to hate her dad like he was a "pedophile" (her words), and now she views him as fine.

wow this totally sounds like my ex, I busted her cheating and lying and she took off and I haven't heard from her in a month, she has painted me black to her family and friends and I was sitting there trying explain my side to her sister, I don't want to be looked at like the bad guy. she has turned my world upside down and doesn't seem to give 2 poops about me. This is the worse thing in the world to go through, having to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence, because that's how I am feeling like I just exist... . everyday seems worse. It is true she has a horrible childhood, I knew that, and me trying to be the rescuer, the saver got it in the end. Hurt beyond belief. it doesn't help knowing that there brain works like this and that they will never be sorry or own up to there mistakes, because it leaves us without closure , like we were hit from behind and never seen it coming... . now what... .

I don't think people with BPD (pwBPD) are the only disordered people who exhibit "splitting" behavior (i.e. black and white thinking).  But I think there are several perspectives to understanding why they have such behaviors.

Like BPDspell wrote, pwBPD may have suffered a core trauma which interrupted their emotional development.  In a sense "splitting" is a very young (as in toddler level of psychological development) way of perceiving the world.  If you observe in an infant or very young child, when they lose sight of their primary parent, they wail and scream as if they have been abandoned.  But once their parent comes back in sight, then all is well again; "mother" is good.  This is the analogous behavior in young children.  When "mother" is out of sight, she is "split black", she is perceived as the "abandoner", etc... .  but once "mother" is in sight again, she is "split white", she is the nurturer, all is good.

Non-disordered people grow out of this behavior in early adolescence.  We become more confident that our primary attachment (mom & dad) will not abandon us when they are no longer visible.  We develop "object constancy."  As I understand it, pwBPD never develop past this point of their emotional development, they lack object constancy.

When you lack object constancy, you cannot tolerate having both good and negative feelings towards the same object (attachment).  So an attachment is only either "all good" or else "all bad."

Another aspect of BPD is that they are unable to regulate their emotions.  As though they might have the emotional development of a young child.  So emotions are always intense.  When they idealize or love you, it is a very power feeling of love, and it overrides any other feelings they might have had towards you.  Then again, when they devalue or hate you, it is also a very power feeling they experience, and again it overrides any other feelings they might have had towards you.

This kind of "splitting" has probably been occurring since day one that you've known your BPD loved one.  It's just that early on, they can switch back and forth so easily that we probably selectively overlook this behavior.  But as their disordered behaviors intensify, and my understanding is that this happens because their feelings of intimacy and fear of abandonment intensify (i.e., they have more skin in the game), they have more reason to devalue us.  Whereas when they barely knew us, they had more reason (i.e. fantasy) to idealize us.


7 months ago, your exBPDgf split you black enough to call the police on you.  But I don't think that was the only time she split you black.  She probably split you black many many times before (such as when you were away) but then split you white when you were able to assuage her fear that you'd abandon her.  The thing is, her fear that you would abandon her, was never a product of your behavior, but rather a product of her disorder.  And as she felt closer and closer to you, as she has more skin in the game, her fear that you would abandon her only intensified to the point that you could not longer assuage her disordered fear.  And at that point, the switch stayed on black.

You see, when we have object constancy, we recognize that mother is always the same person, that we cannot suddenly expect another person to be our mother.  But when you lack object constancy, your attachment to one person can easily switch from one person to another person.  And when they see someone else as the "love of their life" they suddenly stop feeling the attachment that they ever felt towards us... . and they can do this for the same reasons why an abandoned infant can attach to another person whom they've never met before and perceive them as "mother" because psychologically they *need* to find another mother.

Another way of explaining why your exBPDgf suddenly started to hate you, is that as a child she never got over that abandonment-betrayal-denigration trauma that she suffered.  She has spent her whole life running away form and denying this trauma.  This is why, like a PTSD sufferer, every time she finds a relationship that makes her start to feel those early attachment feelings she felt as a child towards her mother/father, she is *also* reminded/triggered to recall the feelings associated with this abandonment-betrayal-denigration trauma she experienced.  And all those feelings overwhelm her, and she has no idea how to process it.  So she blames you for these feelings.  And she finds someone else who doesn't (for the time being) trigger these feelings in her.  So in essence she is hating you, because (for now) you are the personification of the person who abandoned/betrayed/denigrated her long long ago.


I think for her, her feelings are *very* real.  And her adult mind is struggling with trying to understand why she feels the way she does.  Her adult mind is probably so overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings, that her memories and perceptions will become *distorted*.  So they are not lies, so much as they are delusions.


I believe she does.  The problem is that her disorder is so specific to only intimate and familial contexts, that it is very hard to demonstrate from a legal perspective that she is disordered.


You have probably observed as aspect of their "identity disturbances."  Remember their early trauma interrupted a lot of psychological development that we take for granted.  :)evelopment such as stable sense of personality, or identity.  She probably does not have a fixed personality, but rather it shifts developing upon who she is primarily mirroring.


There is a good chance that she is not evenly consciously aware of her earliest abandonment/betrayal/denigration trauma.  For her, it could be just a wall of emotions that always threatens to topple on top of her.  And she is, in a sense, always running away from this seemingly insurmountable wall of emotions, by assuming different identities with different people to who see seeks as salvation from these feelings.  This is why she literally saw you as her savior when she first attached to you.

Her problem is, until she comes to terms with these repressed feelings/trauma, all her saviors will eventually become her abuser... . in her mind.

Hope some of what I write helps you.

Best wishes, Schwing

Just to give you some clarity to how dangerous being split black is! I have just had a text from my ex saying "you are physically abusive and I have told everyone!"... .

False allegations of abuse, are abuse man! I want to be sick 

Schwing, I'm speaking for me but I am sure my sentiments are equally echoed by many: you are THE BEST!   |iiii  

swimjim its important you make the distinction between the words "think" and "feel".  The first describes cognitive process that results in a conclusion.  The second is an experience.  Behaviour as a result of feelings is often dramatic, ill thought and reactionary.

Our brains are not wired to make feelings facts, we interrupt this process with thoughts... .

They "feel" we are dangerous... . for whatever reason.  It's real for them, in their reality.

swchwing, I agree with Wanna Move on. Thank you for your wonderful and so clearly phrased explanantion. It has been extremely helpful for me to read this today. Thanks a lot!

Thank you for your responses. Can you give me an example of thought and feeling which was just described. It is very interesting but complicated.

I'm confused by this myself.   My ex left me for an old ex.  While I am on this forum they are holed up in a cabin somewhere up North. 

I'm struggling with being told I was harassing her, that she would file a restraining order on me and that she would never be friends or intimate with me again... .

Yet she shows up to my spin class after saying she won't and is blocking and unblocking me every few days on Facebook. 

Am I split black?

Ok... . within the perspective of BPD... . say for example you plan a lovely evening out... . perhaps a night at the theatre, cinema, a picnic... . whatever... .

You "think" that will be a great experience for your partner... .

What if, the whole time you are experiencing that wonderful evening, your partner is "feeling" scared. ie... . "this is too good to be true, I'm not worthy of this special treatment, this can't last, he will find out about me and leave me".

Are you party to these feelings?... . no... . Are they real for someone with BPD?... . yes, and they will act accordingly.  Rejecting you when you least expect it in order to escape from their very real feelings of fear/abandonment.

It's really hard to get our brains around this... . it's just not how we live or perceive the world.

Newton, Thank you very much. She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 6 months dating but I held back because of My gut instinct. I went into damage control after I found out she gave up on me and got interested in My best friend so I finally bought her the ring she always wanted. That is when she called the police. What would have happened had I gotten her the ring when she still idolized me? What if I would have married her?

swim I haven't read your previous posts... . this experience sounds awful!... .

How are you coping?... .

Wanna Move  – Echo ... . cho ... . ho .o  

Yes, Schwing, you always make me sit up and pay very close attention.  But then again – we’re likely your only audience :)  Who else would/ could believe such a dimension exists ... . beyond those having entered and experienced it... . ?  The rare times I attempt to describe such behavior to my family or friends …they think I’m nuts!  

So thanks, yet again – we get it *)

 

Swimjim – good question; here was my attempt at the same: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201014.msg12252700#msg12252700

Newton, I have paid thousands in therapy and My therapist wants to focus on My codependent issues that drew me to her. I did not know she could be possible BPD until until I started searching through Google and came across BPD and she seemed textbook. Everyone says just move on ... . It's not that easy and I got huge anger issues towards My ex friend. I want to bust his chops so much that I fantasize about it daily. I want him to know My pain. He has been a friend for over 25 years and he knew she was pressuring me to marry her and told me to dump her. He is an alcoholic. He does not know anything about BPD. I am better now than a few months ago. My ex friend also suffered brain trauma from falling while drunk and still went back to drinking after rehab. Why she chose him? Because he is vulnerable. He knows he hurt me.

Swimjim, I can also relate to the ‘exfriend’ thing.  Mine’s still married, but that hasn’t stopped my exBPDgf from playing with him.  In fact, she’s always been drawn to my male friends, even my brother…  She’d glean all the info she could from me - then target them!  During our multiple splits, she’d be off drinking and carousing with them.  My brother got the drift, and won’t even look at her, but she keeps every other guy looking.

I’ve not talked for months to my longtime (married) friend (or his wife) who’s been drinking and hanging out with her, and after mentioning to her that she ‘broke up our friendship,’ she let loose a sly smile – is that also part of their MO? 

I just copied the following from Schwing’s post: “she is, in a sense, always running away from this seemingly insurmountable wall by assuming different identities with different people to who she seeks as salvation from these feelings.  This is why she literally saw you as her savior when she first attached to you. -- Her problem is, until she comes to terms with these repressed feelings/trauma, all her saviors will eventually become her abuser... . in her mind.”

To me, verifying that ‘it’s not us,’ it’s their need to mirror another in a constant attempt to run from their hollow feelings.  It’s not your friend, or mine (…I guess), they’re ‘just guys’ who, like us, have experienced the charm of a desperate BPDer looking for ‘her’ next victim.  So rather than punch him, or even warn him, if you really want him to hurt – let it ride   Everyone around here knows what he’s in for.

You suggested “Why she chose him? Because he is vulnerable.” 

That sounds real familiar…  So, do they see us as the same ... . vulnerable?  I suspect they haven’t the self esteem to seek anyone too far (in their eyes) above them.  Mine likely has an arms-length list of messed up guys she stays in contact with – including me?  Actually, I’m not all that messed up, and feel that my stability intimidates her.  But, there I seem to be, to pick up the pieces after she’d fled.  My last split was just over a weekend ago… She decided to spend Saturday evening (not night... . ) with some broken down ol’ guy fighting a brain tumor (?), cuz he kept buying her beers ~ 

Hey – I sure hope we deserve (far) better than that.  Keep reading, and posting – and do your best to move on.  If nothing else, you and your old friend will likely have even more in common when she’s split him down the middle    

@swimjim,


Your therapist is right about focusing on your codependent issues.  That's actually part of the reason why you're having such a hard time letting go.  There is a reason the woman (Melody Beattie) who wrote the book "Codependent No More" has another book called "The Language of Letting Go."  Part of the reason why you are more focused on your ex, is because it is so painful (perhaps more painful) for you to focus on yourself.  But the only way to get past the pain, is to focus on yourself.  That's your (our) catch-22.

If you find yourself learning more and more about BPD, but still not accepting it, or expecting your pain to go away with understanding, you are only partially correct.  Understanding, will help you get past some of your pain, but understanding yourself is what you really want but don't know it.


Here's what I bet happened.  He knows what you told him about your relationship.  And none of what you told him squares with what *she* told him about your relationship.  And even though you have been his friend for over 25 years, you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.  That and, what she told him about you probably makes you sound like an extreme jerk.  Still it's his choice to believe her distortions over you.  He will understand your pain... . in due time.


I am certain she will drive him to drink.  And he will learn about BPD the hard way.


Why did she choose him?  Because he doesn't trigger her disordered feelings (yet).  


You probably won't feel this way for a while, but you should thank your gut instinct.  Marriage after 6 months of tumultuous dating is a very bad idea.  Sure you might feel like your on Cloud 9 for a while, maybe a couple of months.  But then slowly you'd realize you've made a terrible mistake.  Just read the posts here written by the people who got married to their BPD loved one after a very short courtship.


What happened after you gotten her ring?  You got a very clear glimpse of her mental illlness.


If you married her, maybe she'd stay with you for a while longer.  Because marrying her would be "proof" that you wouldn't leave her.  But then again, "proof" doesn't cure her disorder so you tell me what would have happened.

Best wishes, Schwing

yes, and it's terrible.

The explanations about splitting black really make sense.  It has been a year since I was split black. My mind was ruminating b/c the entire relationship did not make sense.  I had never experienced anything like it and felt like I was the victim of abuse.  Once I landed in therapy and told them the story, I found out - a month or so ago--that I was most likely dealing with a BPD male.

I was split black so many times that it makes my head spin.  Usually, it occurred after I had done "something" to make them feel insecure. We were in a LDR.

Split examples:

1. The BPD had to go abroad for some time. Prior to his departure, I flew out to spend several days with him.  It seemed great, until the night before he left.  I could not put my finger on it.  He arrived “over there” and texted, skyped for 2 weeks. Then went silent for three days telling me he was losing his connection to me.  Once I said I would not deal with this, he recycled.  This was the first time I was split--but I had no idea what was going on.  Frankly, I assumed that he slept with someone else and felt shame about it (and that could have happened also).

2.  After his return from abroad, I went to visit for a week.  All seemed fine.  I went back three weeks later to spend about 12 days with him (and attend a party).  I left for two days to attend the party.  When I returned, I was told that his feelings had changed for me and that he was going to sleep with others and not feel guilty about it.  I said that I wish you would have told me this before I returned, I would have just stayed away. Within an hour, he was "lovey" again.

3.  The following month, he came to visit me.  Things were ok--not great.  I said something and he shoved me off him in bed.  Silent treatment for an hour.  Then started to initiate sex with me. I was dumbstruck.

4.  For the next 5 weekes we texted, skyped, emailed, and I moved nearby (4 hours away) for the summer.  He came for the first 10 days.  All was good--he left, texting/skyping--saying how much he missed me.  Then, 100% detachment.  He needed space, time, etc.  His feelings had changed, blah blah.  Lied about his whereabouts and when I called him on it he phoned to end relationship. Then recycled.  Then went abroad for a month--missed my b-day for "time zone issues".  Pushed me away on his b-day, but a week after his b-day:

5.  Upon return from abroad and the week of his b-day, he then came to see me. Worst weekend of my life.  I was humiliated, degraded--not only by him, but by his narcissistic roommate (see other posts for story). 

6.  He came back two weeks later.  But could not tell me why he returned to see me.  Didn't know how he felt about me.  And, had no recollection of the humiliation and degradation of that prior weekend.  After all, it was all my fault that weekend.

7.  Summer ended, I left.  Texted, called.  One day I sent too many texts. Split black.  Nothing from him for a month.  Then a cheesy email saying it all got to be too much.  No word since.  1 year ago.

When I type this crap, it is crazy.  Yet, I still miss my abuser. Sad, isn't it.  But, I could never understand why he kept coming back or why just after he would see me that he would do a 180 and throw out crazy statements like "it will never work between us", "there are too many women to sleep with", etc.

Well, he is now in a LDR with his high school sweetheart (the one that got away). God help her.

This has been a very informative thread.When it comes to lack of object constancy, we have to imagine a baby that loses sight of it's parent, thus triggering abandonement fears and in essense, the baby cries and is fearful until the parent comes back. We have to imagine that scenario and place it in the adult BPD and draw it out over a much lengthier period of time. The baby gets relief by ANY parent coming to their needs which is commensurate with the BPD splitting us black and attaching to a new partner quickly.  Schweng or anyone, do I have this right?

Swimjim--this sounds right to me.  Do you want to know the crazy thing?   When I first started dating my BPD male, I actually used the following analogy with a friend of mine when I explained the early part of the relationship:

"I feel like he is a child who is taking steps away from me, but looking back to make sure I am there--like a mom.  You know, when a child is trying to do things on their own for the first time, but want to make sure the safety base is behind them."

I didn't know a thing about BPD when I uttered that... .

That's about right.

The only thing I would add is that this "baby" also has PTSD in which it associates a trauma with familiarity and intimacy -- which makes since if the source of the trauma was a person who was the model for the child's development of familiarity and intimacy.

And so whenever a "parent" starts to become familiar and intimate to a degree, the triggered recollection of their trauma causes them to act out in all kinds of upsetting ways, to the point when they feel too overwhelmed, they need to find a new "parent."

Schwing, Is there anything at all that I could have done to avoid being split black, like being a compliant appeaser? What if she got the ring, got the marriage, got the new car, got the new house, got the boat and got the cottage on the lake, and Rolex watch, would it never be enough? It would be good to know if that is the case. It helps in the recovery to realize you can't fix something that will always be broken.

Swimjim, there would always be something else, and finally, "You wouldn't get them." Mine split me right after our wedding shower. She was about to get all of her wishes... . a condo I remodeled to be a home, a good father for her baby, a nice wedding and honeymoon. I was the exact same guy after the wedding shower who "didn't get her" who just a short time before was the "best thing that ever happened to her." I still think of it every now and then, but mostly I'm very thankful I escaped from the frying pan!

Findingmyselfa, Wow! Can you elaborate if you don't mind? The shower! Oh, I want to hear more please.

My wife, diagnosed BPD almost 4 years ago described how she felt about splitting during an episode that her meds were actually working.  She described it as this:

Imagine that you are stuck on the side of a cliff with a lot of people.  There is a rain storm that is relentless happening and is gettng worse.  You look around and see a bunch of people that may or may not be able to help you.  You see people you can use to survive.  So, you start dividing up the group into people that CAN help and people that CANT help.  You SPLIT them up.  But, if one of the people that you trust shows any signs of NOT being able to help you (abandonment, etc.), they must be put into the group of people who CANT help you immediately because your survival is what is most important.

Little did she know, it was one big BPD analogy.  The cliff represented almost every situation she perceived her life as being in peril or the ':)RAMA' we all have come to expect.  The rain storm represented, in my opinion, a situation they could not control but knew they must overcome it or they would surely not survive.  The people were not representative of anyone in particular in her life.  They all became resources and even in her description of them, seemed unfeeling and cold.  But, it definitely gave me a simplistic insight into her thinking.  Now, take that to the extreme and you may be able to see how their extreme behavior builds over time.

Schwing, I’m (also ;-) attempting to use your wisdom to figure BPD out.  If so, I’ve the feeling that every time I think of my xBPDgf, I’ll be able to determine at what ‘stage’ of the BPD cycle we were in - and make ‘sense of it.’  If the puzzle comes together, I can hopefully view the entire picture, making it beyond obvious that I need to move on …and stay moved on.

With that, here’s my latest conclusion:  

They (pwBPD) glom onto and idealize someone they suspect will give them the unconditional love of a parent.  They are so relieved to have found that love, they ignore minor (if perhaps major) irritations while mirroring the behavior of their new parent figure.

Eventually, the irritations and familiarity build, until they are overwhelmed.  Then they test ‘your love’ by pushing a selfish agenda and throwing fits.  If you (their current parent/ lover figure) back away from such behavior, their fear of abandonment kicks in.  

Though still pretending to be content, they continue to demand more from the relationship …while secretly planning their escape.  This ‘escape’ is not as much ‘from you,’ as it is ‘to someone else,’ someone who’ll provide them the unconditional love they seek, but will never appreciate.  

…I’m trying... . on this ‘four day weekend’ to distance my thoughts from her, too.  Though reading around here brings everything back in astonishing detail - it helps.  And so do you.  Thanks |iiii

Inside,

Well, I guess you must be onto something. I was getting tested during the first six months of our relationship which culminated with a marriage ultimatum. I pulled back (failed the test), entered the clinging stage of a merry go round up and down turbulent relationship while she was planning her escape. She picked my friend as her new '"parent" thus, discarding me. She was probably in the planning phase long before I was aware that anything was going on. To add insult to injury, she picked my close friend who she did not know other than helping me drag his soil stained passed out body into his own home. How pathetic do you think I feel that I was dumped by an alcoholic where the only knowledge she had of him is a lifeless, soil stained, passed out drunk that she witnessed in her first encounter of him. I just wonder two things; Did she choose him because she knew it would hurt me terribly and did she choose him because of his vulnerability that shows weakness?

Shieldedheart: “They all became resources and even in her description of them, seemed unfeeling and cold.”

So, that’s all we ultimately are to them, “resources?”  “Unfeeling and cold?”  Someone/ or thing they can use to absolve their pain … until we’re used up?

…I know, they’re ‘disregulated’… or something like that.  :)esperate childlike entities incapable of ever being rescued from their Lord of the Flies island ... . if pounding us over the head with a rock from behind out of a flawed mistrust  …after using our resources to stay fed and warm... . ?  Gerrrrrrr... .

It’s a good thing they ‘know how to pickem! (us)’ :)  If they were attracted to anything other than folks exhibiting unconditional parental love and near endless tolerance to abhorrently disrespectful and deceitful behavior …their numbers would likely dwindle due to violent attrition – cuz that kind of a victim wouldn’t be sitting here laughing :)   He’d be lookin to kill

…as I’ve mentioned before, though not perfect, the folks I’ve met around here are darn close to it   And hey – stay that way my friends, you’re very likely the kind of people everyone wants to spend time with, so make it so ~

Swimjim, “Did she choose him because she knew it would hurt me terribly and did she choose him because of his vulnerability that shows weakness?”

Seems only our names are changed!  As mentioned, mine targeted my brother, in the middle of an ugly divorce that obviously left him vulnerable.  And a longtime friend in a dysfunctional marriage, into some money, a chronic pot smoker, borderline alcoholic and caring for a unambulatory adult son…  Not counting her arm’s-length-list of other semi-functional guys she periodically uses for drinking dates and home repairs. 

But the targeting of those closest to me has also remained a mystery.  I do remember her hanging on every word as I described their plight…  And constantly insisting she ‘join us’ whenever I was out with them... .   That gave me the creeps.  But just as Schwing described above:

“He knows what you told him about your relationship.  And none of what you told him squares with what *she* told him about your relationship.  And even though you have been his friend for over 25 years, you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.  That and, what she told him about you probably makes you sound like an extreme jerk.  Still it's his choice to believe her distortions over you.  He will understand your pain... . in due time.”   

Key to me? “…you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.”  I did tell the friend she’s gone after (actually two of them) about her BPD, and he ‘understood’ my concerns.  He also suggested I ... . simply enjoy her benefits.  With that, I suspect he’s more than willing to ignore it.  …but, he’s married, for what that’s worth…  She did give me a sly smile recently after I described her ‘costing me his friendship,’ on our last recycle.  At least my Brother figured it out, if likely a greater loyalty factor. 

Let’s see… she assumes your friend’s are safe, cuz they’re ‘your friends.’  She’s got plenty of ‘inside info’ on their life conditions, so knows ‘what to mirror’ and ‘who to be.’  And, I think most of all - they’re a link to you.  So, (because no one knows better than her that it will fail) when it’s over, and even while it’s ‘on,’ she’s got a constant conduit back to you.  Likely much easier to jump between friends than between total strangers. 

What’s always weird (and Schwing’s obviously risen above ;-) is how we so easily get stuck attempting to frame their disjointed behavior within ‘normal parameters.’  Would you behave like that?  Of course not …and can you imagine how fast two BPD’s would clash *)   So we’ve got to put that puzzle together … recognize the big picture, plot our location – and hopefully find the exit!

What’s really weird is attempting to ‘explain’ their behavior to family and friends …especially our shared friends (that’s how we met).  They either think you’re nuts, or really pissed-off and making up horrible stuff to hurt her.  …if they only knew the bundle of trouble sitting there looking all innocent and ‘high-functioning’ as they sip their drinks…  For the guys, it’s more like, ‘bring it on!’  For the women… cheap entertainment?  For us – H-E-Double L! 

What I envy are those who don’t share mutual friends… though mine’s slowly picking off my guy buddies     ... . time to move on ~

I have some thoughts on the subject of why they may target someone close to us. My BPDgf ran off with a guy that her daughter had dumped the day before her and I separated. It occurred to me that she picked a person to run off with that would validate her poor feelings about herself and ensure that we would abandon her for good. I remember saying to her, "It's like you picked the one person that would ensure we would never want you back in our lives. It didn't work. I love you unconditionally and despite what you have done I still love you." It broke her down and she started crying hysterically. She chose him with the expectation that I would finally completely abandon her and hate her and when it didn't work she couldn't handle the emotional storm it ignited inside her.

I recently spent some time on YouTube watching personality disorder videos.  One, of seven segments I believe, had the guy describe BPD’s as ‘having sex with their eyes,’ or something like that…  Maybe it’s just that every guy they’re around they come on to.  So the ones they see the most ‘get it’ most often.  Primed, they’re close and available instantly upon a break up? 

Maybe we’re giving them too much credit for thinking… but apparently they spend more energy on targeting their next relationship than keeping the one they’ve got!  But then there’s the factor of, ‘the closer they get,’ to anyone, the greater their fear of rejection and abandonment?  So even when ‘it’s working,’ it’s not

Mine made a weird statement recently, on a slightly different subject.  I told her I always feel as though I’m in competition with her multitude of ‘friends and events’ every time we’re together; she has a Histrionic aspect that craves attention.  So if I’d prefer a quiet weekend …she always seemed to be chomping at the bit to find a crowd.  Anyway, she then told me that she feared that if we weren’t constantly doing something exciting – I’d “discover how boring she is.”  I’ve never found her boring… but did find that interesting/ strange.  Now that we’re apart I’m left to speculate.

Shouldn’t love be a lot less work

I remember what these experiences were like.  We would be fine, everything would be 100% lovey-dovey, and then BAM!  He would stop talking to me for a few days, weeks, months... . whatever.  It's funny you mention him telling you, "This will never work out!"  BPDex and I were LDR.  His favorite thing to do to upset me was to devalue our relationship and say things of that nature.  One minute, he'd be telling me he was totally in love with me.  The next, "This means nothing because we aren't together, in person."  Or, "We'll never be together." Or, something similar.  I was often told that I was "clingy" and "crazy."  Well, when someone is mapping out this huge proposal of marriage to you and a subsequent life, and suddenly they vanish, you kinda worry.  It didn't matter to me how many times he went NC on me, I always thought the worst because he would get in these moods where he would make very frightening comments about committing suicide.  Told me, "You don't want to marry me.  You're gonna come home one day and I'll be hanging from the ceiling fan."  So, anyway, yeah, I'd call a lot and text when he'd disappear.  Then, I was crazy.  I was a psycho, then.  He always said the song, "CrazyB8tch" by Buckcherry reminded him of me.  I was severely gaslighted by this man.

SomebodythatIusedtoknow:  My BPD was not that scary in terms of gaslighting me or threatening suicide.  He was always the one doing the leaving. I really am sad that you had to go through that.  Devastating.

My ex never professed undying love.  He was careful not to use the L word, but would make other suggestions like, "i have never been this connected to anyone before" or "i hold you above everyone else in my life", blah blah blah

There is much debate about empathy and the BPD.  I'm sure some do feel it. I can't see where mine did.  You don't go NC on a person sitting next to their dying mother and then ignore them when they reach out to you to understand what is going on.   A simple, "i'm done" would have shown respect, courtesy, and empathy.   Going no contact randomly without a goodbye is cowardly.


I had been split black so many times that

Our exBPD's new partner would never believe that they would be split black becuase they are being idolized right now and in the fog. What do you think my ex friend would think if he saw all the emails that I saved of her professing her undying love to me? I saved hundreds of them. Maybe she recycled the same emails and changed our names for him.  Although he was seduced by her and believes her versions of the smear campaigns, wouldn't he be concered that maybe she isn't telling him the truth and that maybe he will end up some day on the chopping block?   

SwimJim--

I am sorry to hear that one of the facets of BPD is the smear campaign.  Since I do not live near my Ex, I do not have to hear what he is telling his closest friends or the new "victim".  I guess that is one "positive" I can take from this.

Also, I can't help but wonder if my ex was a little more contained in his BPD in the sense that he never professed undying love, has made no attempt to smear me that I can tell or smear me in a way that has any effect on me personally or professionally, and was never suicidal, etc. In fact, he only showed serious jealousy once and then quickly contained it, never showing it to me again. 

However, I did spend many months in mixed messages hell.  I'd get the following contradictions: I miss you/I don’t know how I feel about you; I’m going to spend the entire time I am not traveling with you/You are too far for me (4 hours); Text as much as you want—be who you are/you sent me too many messages in 24 hours; my feelings have changed for you/I just booked a ticket to see you; I have too much time on my hands/I need more "me" time; I will text you all day everyday if I want/but when you do it our communication patterns are unnerving ... . and the list goes on and on. 

Which ones was I to choose—the actions or the words? How does someone remain secure (or sane) within these contradictions?  I see the contradictions above as splitting me white/black, black/white, rinse, wash, repeat... .

Indeed.  I have no idea how he is love bombing the new GF.  Except that she is the high school sweetheart that got away b/c he said he had the grass is greener on the other side "itis".  Well, high school was 14 years ago for him.  Neither of them are the same as they were then.  Or, they are both the same brand of crazy.   I suspect he will be with her for a while given that she is "the golden one". 

But, I have no doubt that his crazy will start to shine through.  How could it not?

Swimjim,

The wedding shower was the last weekend we were together which seemed relatively "normal." It was only about 2 years afterwards that she let me know she was having "debilitating panic attacks" at the "mere thought" of marrying me around the time of the shower and afterwards. I  never had any idea anything like that was going on. We also went out of state to pick up her dream dog the weekend of our wedding shower. She went kind of crazy on me on my birthday, big shock now, right?, but for the most part we seemed to be on a major upswing and things were calm. We just talked to the pastor and everything seemed honky dory with her. Even my stepmom was talking about how much chemistry we had together and how amazing it was.

Suddenly! Only 2 days later she was at my place, seemed really nervous, wasn't interested in ripping my clothes off as had been the case the last 8 months. She was texting and emailing one of her co-workers and pretty much FLAUNTING it in my face. Since she was engaged to me, I wasn't that worried about it, so I didn't bite if she was trying to get me upset. She ended up going out with him 2 nights later and supposedly nothing happened, but I was upset. Who wouldn't be? After that she just went off the deep ending, saying she couldn't see any future with us at all, and she never seemed to fully recover. One day she'd be posting love songs on my FB and then suddenly she told me she was having panic attacks and soon everything was postponed... . and even sooner it was just all over! It was shocking how fast things went downhill. I've been in a major depression most of the last 3 years. I just didn't see it coming at all. I didn't go through the normal/abnormal ups and downs. It was all honeymoon and then BAM!

In her last scathing email she told me that because I didn't pay her daughter 100% attention or something at the wedding shower, she knew at that moment that she didn't want me to be the father any more. Of course, a rational person, would say, hey why don't you check on so and so, or try to have a rational discussion? We spent so much time together, and I spent so much time, gas, and money on clothes, food for her and the baby, and the wedding and honeymoon. I can't count how many hours I spent with her baby while she did whatever she was doing, hair, getting ready, or whatever. I also can't count how many times I helped bathe her and put her to bed... . all the time thinking she was going to be my daughter as well.

In a nutshell, it just doesn't make any sense and the best thing for me to do is to forget about it as soon as I can. She was divorced twice at the age of 24, and only about a month out when I started dating her. I should have definitely moved a lot slower. I did bring some childhood issues to the table, but I was also very naive and believed too much in "love".

Since then, I've had the chance to see her blow through 2-3 other men at least. I believe she was always honest with me about her feelings. The problem is that they change every 30 seconds, and at some point we are just plain split black because I believe they fear we will figure out how messed up they really are... . which is unfortunately true. I saw some of her social media since then and her mostly extremely negative posts, and I believe that she really is more of the girl who is depressed and upset, than the happy, sweet girl who was working hard to be with me. I just don't think she could do it, and I never saw that part of her fully until the end. I still think of it as a bit of a sad love story, but I know it wasn't love in the sense of something that could last and grow stronger. More of a teenage fling, but hey, take it for what good there was, and look to find something better this time.