Please explain how splitting black works in the brain

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was split black 7 months ago by my exBPDgf and she has never looked back. She went from loving me (wanting to marry me) to hating me (calling police/filing false restraining order, ruining my friendship with my best friend and dating him) just instantaneous. It is like a switch went off in her brain. It is hard to wrap my brain around her thoughts and actions. Even after all the lying and trying to ruin my reputation, no apologies, hence, no empathy. Can anyone with BPD explain how this thought process transforms? Sorry if I posted on the wrong board.

[swimjim]

I was split black 7 months ago by my exBPDgf and she has never looked back. She went from loving me (wanting to marry me) to hating me (calling police/filing false restraining order, ruining my friendship with my best friend and dating him) just instantaneous. It is like a switch went off in her brain. It is hard to wrap my brain around her thoughts and actions. Even after all the lying and trying to ruin my reputation, no apologies, hence, no empathy. Can anyone with BPD explain how this thought process transforms? Sorry if I posted on the wrong board.

[bpdspell]

I was split black 7 months ago by my exBPDgf and she has never looked back. She went from loving me (wanting to marry me) to hating me (calling police/filing false restraining order, ruining my friendship with my best friend and dating him) just instantaneous. It is like a switch went off in her brain. It is hard to wrap my brain around her thoughts and actions.

Splitting a person black essentially means repressing unpleasant thoughts, feelings and memories into a place that is deeply removed from the conscious mind. It's a survival mechanism used by them to help them deal with their disordered thoughts and overwhelming feelings of shame and imagined abandonment pain. Because we are unsuspecting of their mental condition we aren't even aware of "how" they are experiencing us and how our love, intimacy and feelings of vulnerability are triggering their disordered thoughts and feelings of engulfment. We aren't even aware of their internal unraveling as the relationship progresses because they are that good at hiding behind the mask.

So by the time the rug is pulled we are emotionally hemorrhaging trying to decipher what the hell actually happened to the person we believed we knew. Turns out we only knew their "representative."

The Black and White thinking comes from them not really having a core stable identity due to trauma and neglect they experienced as children. So white means all good, all perfection, zero flaws, everything is magical and black means everything about you is bad, ugly, evil and we become the enemy. White is idealization and Black is devaluation. They have a limited capacity for gray thinking because shades of grey are developed as we emotionally mature and develop a core self. This is why their behavior is so irrational and over the top.

Spell

[swimjim]

Thanks Spell. So when she called the police and filed a false restraining order on me, did she actually think of me as EVIL and believe her lies, or was she faking it to punish me? Did she actually believe her lies in the courtroom? I observed her in the courtroom and she was not the same person that I knew for so long. I had never mistreated her and she wanted to make me out to look like the devil. It literally tore me apart. I didn't know if she was faking it to hurt me for not marrying her or if she actually believed me to be evil.

[swimjim]

When you explain that she was repressing unpleasant thought and feelings from her own conscious, are you talking about unpleasant thoughts about me or about her childhood? I was definitely her punching bag from whatever she was repressing.

[Undone123]

Thanks Spell. So when she called the police and filed a false restraining order on me, did she actually think of me as EVIL and believe her lies, or was she faking it to punish me? Did she actually believe her lies in the courtroom? I observed her in the courtroom and she was not the same person that I knew for so long. I had never mistreated her and she wanted to make me out to look like the devil. It literally tore me apart. I didn't know if she was faking it to hurt me for not marrying her or if she actually believed me to be evil.

I don't know how it works, but I know it can be really extreme... . I had police threats made. Now she just treats me like I'm dead... . This can change. Being split black. You can be split white again. I know my ex used to hate her dad like he was a "pedophile" (her words), and now she views him as fine.

[Tired68]

wow this totally sounds like my ex, I busted her cheating and lying and she took off and I haven't heard from her in a month, she has painted me black to her family and friends and I was sitting there trying explain my side to her sister, I don't want to be looked at like the bad guy. she has turned my world upside down and doesn't seem to give 2 poops about me. This is the worse thing in the world to go through, having to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence, because that's how I am feeling like I just exist... . everyday seems worse. It is true she has a horrible childhood, I knew that, and me trying to be the rescuer, the saver got it in the end. Hurt beyond belief. it doesn't help knowing that there brain works like this and that they will never be sorry or own up to there mistakes, because it leaves us without closure , like we were hit from behind and never seen it coming... . now what... .

[schwing]

The Black and White thinking comes from them not really having a core stable identity due to trauma and neglect they experienced as children. So white means all good, all perfection, zero flaws, everything is magical and black means everything about you is bad, ugly, evil and we become the enemy. White is idealization and Black is devaluation. They have a limited capacity for gray thinking because shades of grey are developed as we emotionally mature and develop a core self. This is why their behavior is so irrational and over the top.

I don't think people with BPD (pwBPD) are the only disordered people who exhibit "splitting" behavior (i.e. black and white thinking).  But I think there are several perspectives to understanding why they have such behaviors.

Like BPDspell wrote, pwBPD may have suffered a core trauma which interrupted their emotional development.  In a sense "splitting" is a very young (as in toddler level of psychological development) way of perceiving the world.  If you observe in an infant or very young child, when they lose sight of their primary parent, they wail and scream as if they have been abandoned.  But once their parent comes back in sight, then all is well again; "mother" is good.  This is the analogous behavior in young children.  When "mother" is out of sight, she is "split black", she is perceived as the "abandoner", etc... .  but once "mother" is in sight again, she is "split white", she is the nurturer, all is good.

Non-disordered people grow out of this behavior in early adolescence.  We become more confident that our primary attachment (mom & dad) will not abandon us when they are no longer visible.  We develop "object constancy."  As I understand it, pwBPD never develop past this point of their emotional development, they lack object constancy.

When you lack object constancy, you cannot tolerate having both good and negative feelings towards the same object (attachment).  So an attachment is only either "all good" or else "all bad."

Another aspect of BPD is that they are unable to regulate their emotions.  As though they might have the emotional development of a young child.  So emotions are always intense.  When they idealize or love you, it is a very power feeling of love, and it overrides any other feelings they might have had towards you.  Then again, when they devalue or hate you, it is also a very power feeling they experience, and again it overrides any other feelings they might have had towards you.

This kind of "splitting" has probably been occurring since day one that you've known your BPD loved one.  It's just that early on, they can switch back and forth so easily that we probably selectively overlook this behavior.  But as their disordered behaviors intensify, and my understanding is that this happens because their feelings of intimacy and fear of abandonment intensify (i.e., they have more skin in the game), they have more reason to devalue us.  Whereas when they barely knew us, they had more reason (i.e. fantasy) to idealize us.

I was split black 7 months ago by my exBPDgf and she has never looked back. She went from loving me (wanting to marry me) to hating me (calling police/filing false restraining order, ruining my friendship with my best friend and dating him) just instantaneous. It is like a switch went off in her brain. It is hard to wrap my brain around her thoughts and actions. Even after all the lying and trying to ruin my reputation, no apologies, hence, no empathy. Can anyone with BPD explain how this thought process transforms? Sorry if I posted on the wrong board.

7 months ago, your exBPDgf split you black enough to call the police on you.  But I don't think that was the only time she split you black.  She probably split you black many many times before (such as when you were away) but then split you white when you were able to assuage her fear that you'd abandon her.  The thing is, her fear that you would abandon her, was never a product of your behavior, but rather a product of her disorder.  And as she felt closer and closer to you, as she has more skin in the game, her fear that you would abandon her only intensified to the point that you could not longer assuage her disordered fear.  And at that point, the switch stayed on black.

You see, when we have object constancy, we recognize that mother is always the same person, that we cannot suddenly expect another person to be our mother.  But when you lack object constancy, your attachment to one person can easily switch from one person to another person.  And when they see someone else as the "love of their life" they suddenly stop feeling the attachment that they ever felt towards us... . and they can do this for the same reasons why an abandoned infant can attach to another person whom they've never met before and perceive them as "mother" because psychologically they *need* to find another mother.

Another way of explaining why your exBPDgf suddenly started to hate you, is that as a child she never got over that abandonment-betrayal-denigration trauma that she suffered.  She has spent her whole life running away form and denying this trauma.  This is why, like a PTSD sufferer, every time she finds a relationship that makes her start to feel those early attachment feelings she felt as a child towards her mother/father, she is *also* reminded/triggered to recall the feelings associated with this abandonment-betrayal-denigration trauma she experienced.  And all those feelings overwhelm her, and she has no idea how to process it.  So she blames you for these feelings.  And she finds someone else who doesn't (for the time being) trigger these feelings in her.  So in essence she is hating you, because (for now) you are the personification of the person who abandoned/betrayed/denigrated her long long ago.

So when she called the police and filed a false restraining order on me, did she actually think of me as EVIL and believe her lies, or was she faking it to punish me?

I think for her, her feelings are *very* real.  And her adult mind is struggling with trying to understand why she feels the way she does.  Her adult mind is probably so overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings, that her memories and perceptions will become *distorted*.  So they are not lies, so much as they are delusions.

Did she actually believe her lies in the courtroom?

I believe she does.  The problem is that her disorder is so specific to only intimate and familial contexts, that it is very hard to demonstrate from a legal perspective that she is disordered.

I observed her in the courtroom and she was not the same person that I knew for so long.

You have probably observed as aspect of their "identity disturbances."  Remember their early trauma interrupted a lot of psychological development that we take for granted.  :)evelopment such as stable sense of personality, or identity.  She probably does not have a fixed personality, but rather it shifts developing upon who she is primarily mirroring.

When you explain that she was repressing unpleasant thought and feelings from her own conscious, are you talking about unpleasant thoughts about me or about her childhood? I was definitely her punching bag from whatever she was repressing.

There is a good chance that she is not evenly consciously aware of her earliest abandonment/betrayal/denigration trauma.  For her, it could be just a wall of emotions that always threatens to topple on top of her.  And she is, in a sense, always running away from this seemingly insurmountable wall of emotions, by assuming different identities with different people to who see seeks as salvation from these feelings.  This is why she literally saw you as her savior when she first attached to you.

Her problem is, until she comes to terms with these repressed feelings/trauma, all her saviors will eventually become her abuser... . in her mind.

Hope some of what I write helps you.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Undone123]

Just to give you some clarity to how dangerous being split black is! I have just had a text from my ex saying "you are physically abusive and I have told everyone!"... .

False allegations of abuse, are abuse man! I want to be sick 

[Wanna Move On]

Schwing, I'm speaking for me but I am sure my sentiments are equally echoed by many: you are THE BEST!     

[Newton]

swimjim its important you make the distinction between the words "think" and "feel".  The first describes cognitive process that results in a conclusion.  The second is an experience.  Behaviour as a result of feelings is often dramatic, ill thought and reactionary.

Our brains are not wired to make feelings facts, we interrupt this process with thoughts... .

They "feel" we are dangerous... . for whatever reason.  It's real for them, in their reality.

[Matena]

swchwing, I agree with Wanna Move on. Thank you for your wonderful and so clearly phrased explanantion. It has been extremely helpful for me to read this today. Thanks a lot!

[swimjim]

Thank you for your responses. Can you give me an example of thought and feeling which was just described. It is very interesting but complicated.

[Pretty Woman]

I'm confused by this myself.   My ex left me for an old ex.  While I am on this forum they are holed up in a cabin somewhere up North. 

I'm struggling with being told I was harassing her, that she would file a restraining order on me and that she would never be friends or intimate with me again... .

Yet she shows up to my spin class after saying she won't and is blocking and unblocking me every few days on Facebook. 

Am I split black?

[Newton]

Ok... . within the perspective of BPD... . say for example you plan a lovely evening out... . perhaps a night at the theatre, cinema, a picnic... . whatever... .

You "think" that will be a great experience for your partner... .

What if, the whole time you are experiencing that wonderful evening, your partner is "feeling" scared. ie... . "this is too good to be true, I'm not worthy of this special treatment, this can't last, he will find out about me and leave me".

Are you party to these feelings?... . no... . Are they real for someone with BPD?... . yes, and they will act accordingly.  Rejecting you when you least expect it in order to escape from their very real feelings of fear/abandonment.

It's really hard to get our brains around this... . it's just not how we live or perceive the world.

[swimjim]

Newton, Thank you very much. She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 6 months dating but I held back because of My gut instinct. I went into damage control after I found out she gave up on me and got interested in My best friend so I finally bought her the ring she always wanted. That is when she called the police. What would have happened had I gotten her the ring when she still idolized me? What if I would have married her?

[Newton]

swim I haven't read your previous posts... . this experience sounds awful!... .

How are you coping?... .

[Inside]

Wanna Move – Echo ... . cho ... . ho .o  

Yes, Schwing, you always make me sit up and pay very close attention.  But then again – we’re likely your only audience  Who else would/ could believe such a dimension exists ... . beyond those having entered and experienced it... . ?  The rare times I attempt to describe such behavior to my family or friends …they think I’m nuts!  

So thanks, yet again – we get it

 

Swimjim – good question; here was my attempt at the same: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201014.msg12252700#msg12252700

[swimjim]

Newton, I have paid thousands in therapy and My therapist wants to focus on My codependent issues that drew me to her. I did not know she could be possible BPD until until I started searching through Google and came across BPD and she seemed textbook. Everyone says just move on ... . It's not that easy and I got huge anger issues towards My ex friend. I want to bust his chops so much that I fantasize about it daily. I want him to know My pain. He has been a friend for over 25 years and he knew she was pressuring me to marry her and told me to dump her. He is an alcoholic. He does not know anything about BPD. I am better now than a few months ago. My ex friend also suffered brain trauma from falling while drunk and still went back to drinking after rehab. Why she chose him? Because he is vulnerable. He knows he hurt me.

[Inside]

Swimjim, I can also relate to the ‘exfriend’ thing.  Mine’s still married, but that hasn’t stopped my exBPDgf from playing with him.  In fact, she’s always been drawn to my male friends, even my brother…  She’d glean all the info she could from me - then target them!  During our multiple splits, she’d be off drinking and carousing with them.  My brother got the drift, and won’t even look at her, but she keeps every other guy looking.

I’ve not talked for months to my longtime (married) friend (or his wife) who’s been drinking and hanging out with her, and after mentioning to her that she ‘broke up our friendship,’ she let loose a sly smile – is that also part of their MO? 

I just copied the following from Schwing’s post: “she is, in a sense, always running away from this seemingly insurmountable wall by assuming different identities with different people to who she seeks as salvation from these feelings.  This is why she literally saw you as her savior when she first attached to you. -- Her problem is, until she comes to terms with these repressed feelings/trauma, all her saviors will eventually become her abuser... . in her mind.”

To me, verifying that ‘it’s not us,’ it’s their need to mirror another in a constant attempt to run from their hollow feelings.  It’s not your friend, or mine (…I guess), they’re ‘just guys’ who, like us, have experienced the charm of a desperate BPDer looking for ‘her’ next victim.  So rather than punch him, or even warn him, if you really want him to hurt – let it ride   Everyone around here knows what he’s in for.

You suggested “Why she chose him? Because he is vulnerable.” 

That sounds real familiar…  So, do they see us as the same ... . vulnerable?  I suspect they haven’t the self esteem to seek anyone too far (in their eyes) above them.  Mine likely has an arms-length list of messed up guys she stays in contact with – including me?  Actually, I’m not all that messed up, and feel that my stability intimidates her.  But, there I seem to be, to pick up the pieces after she’d fled.  My last split was just over a weekend ago… She decided to spend Saturday evening (not night... . ) with some broken down ol’ guy fighting a brain tumor (?), cuz he kept buying her beers ~ 

Hey – I sure hope we deserve (far) better than that.  Keep reading, and posting – and do your best to move on.  If nothing else, you and your old friend will likely have even more in common when she’s split him down the middle    

[schwing]

@swimjim,

Newton, I have paid thousands in therapy and My therapist wants to focus on My codependent issues that drew me to her. I did not know she could be possible BPD until until I started searching through Google and came across BPD and she seemed textbook. Everyone says just move on ... .

Your therapist is right about focusing on your codependent issues.  That's actually part of the reason why you're having such a hard time letting go.  There is a reason the woman (Melody Beattie) who wrote the book "Codependent No More" has another book called "The Language of Letting Go."  Part of the reason why you are more focused on your ex, is because it is so painful (perhaps more painful) for you to focus on yourself.  But the only way to get past the pain, is to focus on yourself.  That's your (our) catch-22.

If you find yourself learning more and more about BPD, but still not accepting it, or expecting your pain to go away with understanding, you are only partially correct.  Understanding, will help you get past some of your pain, but understanding yourself is what you really want but don't know it.

It's not that easy and I got huge anger issues towards My ex friend. I want to bust his chops so much that I fantasize about it daily. I want him to know My pain. He has been a friend for over 25 years and he knew she was pressuring me to marry her and told me to dump her.

Here's what I bet happened.  He knows what you told him about your relationship.  And none of what you told him squares with what *she* told him about your relationship.  And even though you have been his friend for over 25 years, you haven't been methodically seducing him the way your exBPD loved one has.  That and, what she told him about you probably makes you sound like an extreme jerk.  Still it's his choice to believe her distortions over you.  He will understand your pain... . in due time.

He is an alcoholic. He does not know anything about BPD.

I am certain she will drive him to drink.  And he will learn about BPD the hard way.

I am better now than a few months ago. My ex friend also suffered brain trauma from falling while drunk and still went back to drinking after rehab. Why she chose him? Because he is vulnerable. He knows he hurt me.

Why did she choose him?  Because he doesn't trigger her disordered feelings (yet).  

She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 6 months dating but I held back because of My gut instinct.

You probably won't feel this way for a while, but you should thank your gut instinct.  Marriage after 6 months of tumultuous dating is a very bad idea.  Sure you might feel like your on Cloud 9 for a while, maybe a couple of months.  But then slowly you'd realize you've made a terrible mistake.  Just read the posts here written by the people who got married to their BPD loved one after a very short courtship.

I went into damage control after I found out she gave up on me and got interested in My best friend so I finally bought her the ring she always wanted. That is when she called the police. What would have happened had I gotten her the ring when she still idolized me?

What happened after you gotten her ring?  You got a very clear glimpse of her mental illlness.

What if I would have married her?

If you married her, maybe she'd stay with you for a while longer.  Because marrying her would be "proof" that you wouldn't leave her.  But then again, "proof" doesn't cure her disorder so you tell me what would have happened.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Billa]

Splitting a person black essentially means repressing unpleasant thoughts, feelings and memories into a place that is deeply removed from the conscious mind. It's a survival mechanism used by them to help them deal with their disordered thoughts and overwhelming feelings of shame and imagined abandonment pain. Because we are unsuspecting of their mental condition we aren't even aware of "how" they are experiencing us and how our love, intimacy and feelings of vulnerability are triggering their disordered thoughts and feelings of engulfment. We aren't even aware of their internal unraveling as the relationship progresses because they are that good at hiding behind the mask.

yes, and it's terrible.

[SockMonkey]

The explanations about splitting black really make sense.  It has been a year since I was split black. My mind was ruminating b/c the entire relationship did not make sense.  I had never experienced anything like it and felt like I was the victim of abuse.  Once I landed in therapy and told them the story, I found out - a month or so ago--that I was most likely dealing with a BPD male.

I was split black so many times that it makes my head spin.  Usually, it occurred after I had done "something" to make them feel insecure. We were in a LDR.

Split examples:

1. The BPD had to go abroad for some time. Prior to his departure, I flew out to spend several days with him.  It seemed great, until the night before he left.  I could not put my finger on it.  He arrived “over there” and texted, skyped for 2 weeks. Then went silent for three days telling me he was losing his connection to me.  Once I said I would not deal with this, he recycled.  This was the first time I was split--but I had no idea what was going on.  Frankly, I assumed that he slept with someone else and felt shame about it (and that could have happened also).

2.  After his return from abroad, I went to visit for a week.  All seemed fine.  I went back three weeks later to spend about 12 days with him (and attend a party).  I left for two days to attend the party.  When I returned, I was told that his feelings had changed for me and that he was going to sleep with others and not feel guilty about it.  I said that I wish you would have told me this before I returned, I would have just stayed away. Within an hour, he was "lovey" again.

3.  The following month, he came to visit me.  Things were ok--not great.  I said something and he shoved me off him in bed.  Silent treatment for an hour.  Then started to initiate sex with me. I was dumbstruck.

4.  For the next 5 weekes we texted, skyped, emailed, and I moved nearby (4 hours away) for the summer.  He came for the first 10 days.  All was good--he left, texting/skyping--saying how much he missed me.  Then, 100% detachment.  He needed space, time, etc.  His feelings had changed, blah blah.  Lied about his whereabouts and when I called him on it he phoned to end relationship. Then recycled.  Then went abroad for a month--missed my b-day for "time zone issues".  Pushed me away on his b-day, but a week after his b-day:

5.  Upon return from abroad and the week of his b-day, he then came to see me. Worst weekend of my life.  I was humiliated, degraded--not only by him, but by his narcissistic roommate (see other posts for story). 

6.  He came back two weeks later.  But could not tell me why he returned to see me.  Didn't know how he felt about me.  And, had no recollection of the humiliation and degradation of that prior weekend.  After all, it was all my fault that weekend.

7.  Summer ended, I left.  Texted, called.  One day I sent too many texts. Split black.  Nothing from him for a month.  Then a cheesy email saying it all got to be too much.  No word since.  1 year ago.

When I type this crap, it is crazy.  Yet, I still miss my abuser. Sad, isn't it.  But, I could never understand why he kept coming back or why just after he would see me that he would do a 180 and throw out crazy statements like "it will never work between us", "there are too many women to sleep with", etc.

Well, he is now in a LDR with his high school sweetheart (the one that got away). God help her.

[swimjim]

This has been a very informative thread.When it comes to lack of object constancy, we have to imagine a baby that loses sight of it's parent, thus triggering abandonement fears and in essense, the baby cries and is fearful until the parent comes back. We have to imagine that scenario and place it in the adult BPD and draw it out over a much lengthier period of time. The baby gets relief by ANY parent coming to their needs which is commensurate with the BPD splitting us black and attaching to a new partner quickly.  Schweng or anyone, do I have this right?

[SockMonkey]

Swimjim--this sounds right to me.  Do you want to know the crazy thing?   When I first started dating my BPD male, I actually used the following analogy with a friend of mine when I explained the early part of the relationship:

"I feel like he is a child who is taking steps away from me, but looking back to make sure I am there--like a mom.  You know, when a child is trying to do things on their own for the first time, but want to make sure the safety base is behind them."

I didn't know a thing about BPD when I uttered that... .

[schwing]

This has been a very informative thread.When it comes to lack of object constancy, we have to imagine a baby that loses sight of it's parent, thus triggering abandonement fears and in essense, the baby cries and is fearful until the parent comes back. We have to imagine that scenario and place it in the adult BPD and draw it out over a much lengthier period of time. The baby gets relief by ANY parent coming to their needs which is commensurate with the BPD splitting us black and attaching to a new partner quickly.  Schweng or anyone, do I have this right?

That's about right.

The only thing I would add is that this "baby" also has PTSD in which it associates a trauma with familiarity and intimacy -- which makes since if the source of the trauma was a person who was the model for the child's development of familiarity and intimacy.

And so whenever a "parent" starts to become familiar and intimate to a degree, the triggered recollection of their trauma causes them to act out in all kinds of upsetting ways, to the point when they feel too overwhelmed, they need to find a new "parent."

[swimjim]

Schwing, Is there anything at all that I could have done to avoid being split black, like being a compliant appeaser? What if she got the ring, got the marriage, got the new car, got the new house, got the boat and got the cottage on the lake, and Rolex watch, would it never be enough? It would be good to know if that is the case. It helps in the recovery to realize you can't fix something that will always be broken.

[findingmyselfagain]

Swimjim, there would always be something else, and finally, "You wouldn't get them." Mine split me right after our wedding shower. She was about to get all of her wishes... . a condo I remodeled to be a home, a good father for her baby, a nice wedding and honeymoon. I was the exact same guy after the wedding shower who "didn't get her" who just a short time before was the "best thing that ever happened to her." I still think of it every now and then, but mostly I'm very thankful I escaped from the frying pan!

[swimjim]

Findingmyselfa, Wow! Can you elaborate if you don't mind? The shower! Oh, I want to hear more please.

[shieldedheart]

My wife, diagnosed BPD almost 4 years ago described how she felt about splitting during an episode that her meds were actually working.  She described it as this:

Imagine that you are stuck on the side of a cliff with a lot of people.  There is a rain storm that is relentless happening and is gettng worse.  You look around and see a bunch of people that may or may not be able to help you.  You see people you can use to survive.  So, you start dividing up the group into people that CAN help and people that CANT help.  You SPLIT them up.  But, if one of the people that you trust shows any signs of NOT being able to help you (abandonment, etc.), they must be put into the group of people who CANT help you immediately because your survival is what is most important.

Little did she know, it was one big BPD analogy.  The cliff represented almost every situation she perceived her life as being in peril or the ':)RAMA' we all have come to expect.  The rain storm represented, in my opinion, a situation they could not control but knew they must overcome it or they would surely not survive.  The people were not representative of anyone in particular in her life.  They all became resources and even in her description of them, seemed unfeeling and cold.  But, it definitely gave me a simplistic insight into her thinking.  Now, take that to the extreme and you may be able to see how their extreme behavior builds over time.

[Inside]

Schwing, I’m (also ;-) attempting to use your wisdom to figure BPD out.  If so, I’ve the feeling that every time I think of my xBPDgf, I’ll be able to determine at what ‘stage’ of the BPD cycle we were in - and make ‘sense of it.’  If the puzzle comes together, I can hopefully view the entire picture, making it beyond obvious that I need to move on …and stay moved on.

With that, here’s my latest conclusion:  

They (pwBPD) glom onto and idealize someone they suspect will give them the unconditional love of a parent.  They are so relieved to have found that love, they ignore minor (if perhaps major) irritations while mirroring the behavior of their new parent figure.

Eventually, the irritations and familiarity build, until they are overwhelmed.  Then they test ‘your love’ by pushing a selfish agenda and throwing fits.  If you (their current parent/ lover figure) back away from such behavior, their fear of abandonment kicks in.  

Though still pretending to be content, they continue to demand more from the relationship …while secretly planning their escape.  This ‘escape’ is not as much ‘from you,’ as it is ‘to someone else,’ someone who’ll provide them the unconditional love they seek, but will never appreciate.  

…I’m trying... . on this ‘four day weekend’ to distance my thoughts from her, too.  Though reading around here brings everything back in astonishing detail - it helps.  And so do you.  Thanks